The document is a collection of short passages describing various horror stories and cautionary tales related to Christmas traditions and activities. It warns that beneath the festive atmosphere of the holiday season lies the potential for real or imagined dangers, referencing stories about killer Christmas trees, dangerous pets, holiday injuries, and traumatic experiences working as department store elves. The summaries aim to capture the ominous or unsettling tone regarding common Christmas symbols and rituals.

1. Remember when you used to stare longingly at that Christmas tree, conjuring up the bounty that
Santa’s going to be stuffing underneath for you? Well I don’t. A hohoing fat elf who circles the globe in
one night and slide down all the chimneys? Oh please. I mean, really, chimneys? But after consuming
a book called The Christmas Tree That Ate My Mother, my unbelief in the magical was shaken. I mean, I
won’t say I “believed” in an evil Christmas tree that disappeared unsuspecting family members —it’s
just that you wouldn’t have left me alone in the room with that spiky, tenacled pine plant for all the
presents in the world.
So even though tis the season to be jolly, you better watch out. As these classics and classical horrors
remind us: there’s always a waft of ill-tidings —real or imagined—just beneath the mistletoe.

2. The Christmas Tree that Eats
Mothers
Amazon surfing as bought me
back in touch with this Scholastic
title that was part of a holiday-
themed Goosebumps knock-off.
The young and sole reviewer
proclaims: “This book was
awesome. I've read it over 100
times. It just reminds me so much
of Christmasses at my house.”
Oh, and I thought it was just my
house!
While people-devouring currently
isn’t at the top of my tree-related
worries, I was grateful to Intern
Jackie for sending along this
handy guideline for making sure
they won’t be instigating other
horrors.
Oh Christmas Tree!

3. What’s cute, cuddly, ancestor to
the Furby—and bent on
multiplying before turning into
hordes of psychotic, dragonish
monsters? Why, did you only
get a guinea pig for Christmas?
Surely a contender for the
worse pet ever prize, Gremlins
seize on the fear of the demonic
lurking inside our furry friends.
So if you don’t read this pet first
aid care guidebook diligently –
lapping Rover will start getting
really hungry at night.
You think I look cute now?

4. Poor kitty, he only wanted to
play with the pretty lights.
Unfortunately, the lights
wanted to be left alone.
Although you probably won’t
need to restrain yourself from
biting into the labyrinth of light
cords you’ll be untangling this
holiday season, do inspect for
bare spots, gaps in the
insulation, broken or cracked
sockets along the way. Cats and
humans will be grateful.
And then there was none

5. It’s the stuff of nightmares: the
urban legend that came true,
the dare that went wrong, the
tongue forever joined to the
school telephone pole.
And what with the ladders,
shovels, and other heavy
oblong objects we’ll all be
dealing with this winter, you
know someone is one their way
to a painful encounter.
So why not take that first aid
class you’ve always been
meaning to? Unsticking
tongues aren’t in the
curriculum—but I’m sure they’ll
tell you anyways if you ask.
I double dog dare you!

6. The Gift that Keeps on Crying
Mad TV (2006)
This angstier, more self-
dramatizing cousin of the hotly
coveted Tickle Me Elmo debuted
to much delight on the now
cancelled Mad TV. When Tickle
Me Emo is not gazing dejectedly
into a window or sighing on a
couch: he is found spouting gems
like: “If life is beautiful then, why
do roses have thorns?” And in
case you didn’t get the message:
“I hate you! I hate you!”
No wonder junior started having
serious issues of his own after
that Christmas.
Existential crisis

7. Muppets
A Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
Okay, I’m aware that Muppets are
a cherished national institution
and their take on the perennial
classic is as stubborn a holiday
tradition as honeyed ham –but
the uncanny with which they defy
the fundamental laws of
physics, fecklessly break the
fourth wall, and beget human-
flesh offspring gives me the
beejebees.
Go ahead and join me and
Michael Cain in muttering: Bah
humbug!
Fa la la la Bah!

8. Department Store Elves
The Santaland Diaries (1992)
Now that the Bad Santa has
become a staple of the holiday
cultural landscape, let’s take a
moment to remember the original
nasty Elf. When David Sedaris
donned his tights as “Crumpet” in
a New York Macy’s
department, children and parents
were in for more than candy canes
and a cheek-squeeze. The
reluctant, passive aggressive elf
took revenge on his often less
than appreciative charges by
dispensing sarcasm-laced missives
that go straight to the heart—or
more likely, straight over their
heads.
Somebody snitched on you

9. Even worse than being mocked by
a department store Elf is getting
mugged by your customers while
punching the clock as the Big Elf
yourself. That’s right, those tiny
tots don’t want a cuddly toy or a
jigsaw—they just want to turn out
those puffy red pockets and go
straight for the change. Kids these
days—do they have respect for
anyone?
Keep your pouch and your other
pouch safe, whether you’re
amongst violent children or alone
on a quiet silent night. The
Arlington, Virginia Police
Department has this pithy
checklist that all should commit to
memory.
Don’t let this be you