The document summarizes and comments on various Christmas-themed horror stories and oddities. It describes a book called "The Christmas Tree That Ate My Mother" about an evil Christmas tree that eats family members. It also mentions a book where pet guinea pigs turn into psychotic dragon monsters if not cared for properly. The document provides sarcastic commentary on disturbing or unsettling aspects of various Christmas movies, TV shows, and traditions.

1. Remember when you used to stare longingly at that Christmas tree, conjuring up the bounty that Santa’s going to be
stuffing underneath for you? Well I don’t. A hohoing fat elf who circles the globe in one night and slide down all the
chimneys? Oh please. I mean, really, chimneys? But after consuming a book called The Christmas Tree That Ate My
Mother, my unbelief in the magical was shaken. I mean, I won’t say I “believed” in an evil Christmas tree that
disappeared unsuspecting family members —it’s just that you wouldn’t have left me alone in the room with that
spiky, tenacled pine plant for all the presents in the world.
So even though tis the season to be jolly, you better watch out. As these classics and classical horrors remind us: there’s
always a waft of ill-tidings —real or imagined—just beneath the mistletoe.

2. The Christmas Tree that Eats Mothers
Amazon surfing as bought me back in
touch with this Scholastic title that
was part of a holiday-themed
Goosebumps knock-off. The young
and sole reviewer proclaims: “This
book was awesome. I've read it over
100 times. It just reminds me so
much of Christmasses at my house.”
Oh, and I thought it was just my
house!
While people-devouring currently
isn’t at the top of my tree-related
worries, I was grateful to Intern
Jackie for sending along this handy
guideline for making sure they won’t
be instigating other horrors.
Oh Christmas Tree!

3. What’s cute, cuddly, ancestor to the
Furby—and bent on multiplying
before turning into hordes of
psychotic, dragonish monsters?
Why, did you only get a guinea pig for
Christmas?
Surely a contender for the worse pet
ever prize, Gremlins seize on the fear
of the demonic lurking inside our
furry friends. So if you don’t read
this pet first aid care guidebook
diligently –lapping Rover will start
getting really hungry at night.
You think I look cute now?

4. Poor kitty, he only wanted to play
with the pretty lights.
Unfortunately, the lights wanted to
be left alone.
Although you probably won’t need to
restrain yourself from biting into the
labyrinth of light cords you’ll be
untangling this holiday season, do
inspect for bare spots, gaps in the
insulation, broken or cracked sockets
along the way. Cats and humans will
be grateful.

5. It’s the stuff of nightmares: the urban
legend that came true, the dare that
went wrong, the tongue forever
joined to the school telephone pole.
And what with the
ladders, shovels, and other heavy
oblong objects we’ll all be dealing
with this winter, you know someone
is one their way to a painful
encounter.
So why not take that first aid class
you’ve always been meaning to?
Unsticking tongues aren’t in the
curriculum—but I’m sure they’ll tell
you anyways if you ask.
I double dog dare you!

6. The Gift that Keeps on Crying
Mad TV (2006)
This angstier, more self-dramatizing
cousin of the hotly coveted Tickle Me
Elmo debuted to much delight on the
now cancelled Mad TV. When Tickle
Me Emo is not gazing dejectedly into
a window or sighing on a couch: he is
found spouting gems like: “If life is
beautiful then, why do roses have
thorns?” And in case you didn’t get
the message: “I hate you! I hate
you!”
No wonder junior started having
serious issues of his own after that
Christmas.

7. Muppets
A Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
Okay, I’m aware that Muppets are a
cherished national institution and
their take on the perennial classic is
as stubborn a holiday tradition as
honeyed ham –but the uncanny with
which they defy the fundamental
laws of physics, fecklessly break the
fourth wall, and beget human-flesh
offspring gives me the beejebees.
Go ahead and join me and Michael
Cain in muttering: Bah humbug!
Fa la la la Bah!

8. Department Store Elves
The Santaland Diaries (1992)
Now that the Bad Santa has become
a staple of the holiday cultural
landscape, let’s take a moment to
remember the original nasty Elf.
When David Sedaris donned his
tights as “Crumpet” in a New York
Macy’s department, children and
parents were in for more than candy
canes and a cheek-squeeze. The
reluctant, passive aggressive elf took
revenge on his often less than
appreciative charges by dispensing
sarcasm-laced missives that go
straight to the heart—or more
likely, straight over their heads.

9. Even worse than being mocked by a
department store Elf is getting
mugged by your customers while
punching the clock as the Big Elf
yourself. That’s right, those tiny tots
don’t want a cuddly toy or a jigsaw—
they just want to turn out those puffy
red pockets and go straight for the
change. Kids these days—do they
have respect for anyone?
Keep your pouch and your other
pouch safe, whether you’re amongst
violent children or alone on a quiet
silent night. The Arlington, Virginia
Police Department has this pithy
checklist that all should commit to
memory.