1) The author discusses how a child's emotions can influence a caregiver's emotions, known as co-regulation, where a child in an upset state can push a caregiver's buttons and cause them to also become overwhelmed. 2) Staying calm as a caregiver is important for co-regulating a child; the author provides examples of how reflecting on situations that cause stress can help develop strategies to remain in a calm state. 3) The attachment process involves cycles of rupture and repair between a child and caregiver; mistakes can be recovered from through explanation, reassurance and repairing the relationship.

1. RIDING IN TANDEM – THE ART OF CO-REGULATION – Jane Mitchell AUK
trainer
I chose to call this article “riding in tandem” because so often it seems to be the case that
your emotions ride in tandem with your relationships, whichever dyad you are thinking
about, and I believe this interdependence to be a feature of attachment and therefore
crucial in our relationships with our adopted children.
There is an interesting thing about stress and co-regulation – how many times has your
child been in a rage or upset or generally overwhelmed state and been able to effectively
push your buttons so that you engage in that upward spiral until you too are out of control
– or does that only happen to me? Or have you noticed a situation where your child
follows you into a hyper state – for example – my daughter was following me around as I
got the house ready and did catering for a large family gathering. She became more and
more hyper and disruptive as the morning went on, and I had in the end to take her out to
walk and let off steam, but afterwards on reflection I realised that she had taken her lead
from me – I was whizzing around, so she started whizzing with me, but had nothing
productive to do with all that energy so it fired off in a series of incidents which certainly
did not help the agitated atmosphere in the house! My husband and I made contingency
plans that in future similar situations, he will take her out so that she does not follow me
up into a hyper state. Similarly, when my daughter was very stressed before this
Christmas, becoming disruptive at school, losing friends (literally the child in the
playground everyone was running away from as another child informed me) I became
extremely stressed too, phoning round trying to get support, speaking to school, and
getting very upset. Again on reflection at the end of term I realised I had got quite manic,
and that this was because I had engaged with my daughter’s stress levels. And then of
course there are all the times they press your buttons seemingly just because they can….
now I believe there are two golden nuggets hidden in all of this – firstly, these situations
occur because you are bonded, there is a connection between you. I say this, because I
can look at any number of children displaying aggression or tantruming etc in the
supermarket or at school, and I smile sympathetically, but it does not engage my stress
response because I am not bonded with them, and all of that behaviour is not directed at
me. In effect, I believe you need to be affected by your children’s behaviour – that
emotional empathy is due to the attachment between you. Secondly, if you can co-
regulate to a hyper state, then you can co-regulate to a calmer one. In fact, this kind of
connected behaviour is what happens during the attachment process when you become
attuned to each other – ideally, your baby’s distress distresses you, and the process of
relieving that stress calms you which calms the baby. Our children’s needs are not
always baby needs, so we have to seek attunement in other ways. Therefore it is useful
to match your child’s excitement, empathise with their fear, anger or sorrow – if they feel
you are attuned to their emotions you will be able to use that connection to regulate them
back to a calm state. Remembering as well that unmanaged feelings can be
overwhelming is helpful – if you are planning a day out, make sure there are calming
down opportunities.

2. Of course there are times when this all spirals out of control leaving us feeling
overwhelmed, ineffective and despondent; when our reactions are not ideal, and our fear
catapaults us into uncontrolled and angry states. For me, touching that state is sometimes
the trigger I need to mentally step outside of the situation and calm myself. Before
Christmas my daughter’s state of stress and the strain of managing at school whilst
feeling overwhelmed was such that she frequently came out of school and got home
being disruptive to the childminded children that were round. These were unpleasant
evenings when she was manhandled into the kitchen to be with me (time in) and simply
screamed for half an hour or more, whilst I tried to cook tea and field her attempts to
escape/grab knives/upset cooking pots and so on. As my own fear and palpitations
subsided, and my calming response became more real, so her own level of arousal
reduced, until invariably she asked for hug and dissolved into tears. In the end, I just
catered for the fact that she needed a good scream after school, which made life much
easier as it became part of a process. (hard on the ears, though!) After Christmas as
usual all this adverse behaviour disappeared – until we got two foot of snow…. but that’s
another story!
Another thing to remember when you have hit that all time low is that a huge part of the
attunement process is the cycle of rupture and repair. Normally this is where a child is
chasitised, suffers the anxiety of a rupture in his relationship with his attachment figure,
which is then repaired by the attuned parent. This is a simple process that happens again
and again – think of a two year old being told “NO!” and bursting into tears, after a little
while there is a hug or cuddle, explanation, reassurance. These incidents are important
and help build a child’s resilience – mistakes happen, but can be recovered from. If a
child has not had this experience, then the pain and anxiety of a rupture can be
overwhelming and send them into panic states expressed by anger and aggression. We
can remember this and use even the most damaging of situations to ensure there is repair
of the relationship (as well as appropriate consequences). We all lose our rag sometimes
( hopefully I am not alone!) but if we use these situations as opportunities to reflect,
develop strategies and most importantly repair and rebuild the ruptured attachment, this
can still add up to a positive outcome.
In the parent support programme delivered by AUK (Piece of Cake) we talk about anger
or stressed states in terms of traffic lights – so that green is calm, relaxed – a regulated
state where you may be alert but are able to stay in control of your own feelings and help
your child with theirs. The next step is amber - a stressed state where you are leaving a
fully regulated “green” state, and are entering a state where you are not relaxed but
stressed. You may be feeling agitated or worried, or distracted. You may find you have
reduced tolerance – a “short fuse”. Your ability to help your child regulate their feelings
is reduced, as is your ability to recognise either your state or theirs. The final state is red
– stress overload. This is a purely emotional state – a reactive state. You are
experiencing emotional overload, whether this be anger, fear, sorrow or pain. It is
interesting that in America this state is described as “Mad” – a very accurate description!
Your fuse has disappeared and you are not in control of either your feelings or reactions.
Your heart rate will be increased, and you may shout, cry, lash out or feel very
destructive as you attempt to alleviate these feelings and discharge that emotion. This

3. can be a key to understanding our children’s behaviour – my daughter, for example, is
rarely in green, she lives mainly in amber. This is shown by inability to concentrate,
hypervigilance, low tolerance to stressors, impatience, restlessness, disturbed sleep
patterns and scared and defensive behaviour. She easily moves into a “red” state where
she is harder to reach or impossible to reach. But how can this help us? In order for us to
co-regulate our children, we need to be in a calm place ourselves, so sometimes this can
take planning or a process of reflection. For example if there is a situation which often
causes stress in your daily life, reflect and see what you can change to help yourself
remain calm so that you are able to be effective. A good example of this for me was
getting ready for school. I was frequently driven to distraction by my daughter’s
disruptive behaviour which prevented me from getting ready in the morning, meaning
that we were frequently late for school. My solution was to get up half an hour earlier
and shower and dress, so that when she got up, I could concentrate on getting her and her
older sister ready, breakfasted, dressed etc. This worked because once I am ready, I do
not mind whether my daughter is dressed or not – I will leave the house in time to get her
sister to school. I did have to hide school clothes in the car once or twice and calmly take
her out in her vest and pants, but generally speaking my mornings are far less stressed
and it is well worth losing half an hours sleep over! Also I can be aware of her stressed
times and have strategies in place – letting her have a good scream after school,
making sure there are snacks available because she gets very stressed when hungry. If all
else fails, a favourite of mine is to get her into a lavender bath and leave her to calm
down – if I put enough lavender in, the smell gently wafts through the house, having a
relaxing effect all round!.
As well as being aware of our childrens’ emotional states, we should be aware of our
own. Is our base state “green”? or are we so stressed that we are living in “amber” and
therefore less able to regulate our children because of our own emotional status? There
are so many ways in which outside influences can stress us and keep us in an “amber”
state – finances, marital disputes, our jobs, concerns about family, battles with schools –
add your own to the list! Unfortunately, adopting does not stop the usual run of stressors,
it just adds to that rich tapestry! Also of course there is our own child’s behaviour – but
as I have said, our children are regulated by us, therefore when we are stressed, they will
also be stressed – let us not forget that in a large number of cases this sensitivity to a
parent or carer will be part of their survival technique. Therefore our stress will be likely
to produce stress reactions in our children – and then we can see we have a spiral that is
likely to escalate into a “red” state on both parts. So we need to find ways to help
ourselves, which is why at AUK we emphasise self care - so what can we do to help
ourselves?
Deal with your own feelings first. Identify triggers – both for yourself and your child;
reflect after the event. Think about what episodes could have triggered the response.
What is the child trying to tell you? What state is being demonstrated via their
behaviour? What does the incident tell you about your own issues? In Dan Hughes book
“Building the Bonds of Attachment” both the mother and foster child are in therapy, but
the mother’s emotional state is given precedence. If she is having a tough time, the
reasons why are explored and this is central to her ability to understand her own response

4. to her child and the impact this has on the whole situation. I believe this kind of holistic
approach to be essential to managing the complex relationships in adoption.
Deal with the situation – try and stay calm, literally take a deep breath. You need to be
calm to calm your child, but the good news is that if you get angry first and then calm
down, it does still work, just takes longer! (at least that has been my experience).
Remember that when in a highly emotional state you cannot reason, so do not try and talk
when a child is in a highly stressed state – shouting, lashing out etc, concentrate on giving
them space and calming them down by talking and reassuring in a relaxed voice. I
sometimes speculate about what is going on with my daughter, or sometimes just shush
and remind her to calm down, sit down, its OK. As they calm down, if they will allow
you, initiate physical contact as this will help due to hormonal exchange via the skin. My
daughter sometimes gets overwhelmed when out walking or at shops, and I always then
insist on holding her hand until she feels calm again. I have also had occasion to use a
holding technique to prevent her harming herself or others – this is controversial but if
managed safely can be very effective, and has been very necessary from time to time.
Once you have achieved calm, then you can try and unpick the situation and see what
happened.
Finally, help your child help themselves – identify and clarify feelings with them.
Empathise. Remind about appropriate and inappropriate response. Help them reflect,
ask them how they feel. How were they feeling? Why? What can they do to help
themselves? What could they do differently next time.
I just wanted to add a footnote to those who feel their children constantly reject them,
although they seem to have good relationships with other adults such as teachers. I
believe that often this is not the sign of a failed attachment, but the beginning of a secure
one. If a child has experienced frequent moves or rejection, then their default is to expect
rejection. If they feel attached, I believe they will feel vulnerable and scared and do
anything in their power to stop that feeling to protect themselves. Seeing your child’s
rejection as an expression of vulnerability might make it easier to empathise with them
and take the tiny steps to allow them to accept you. I had years of rejection from my
daughter (adopted age 3, now nearly 9) however 5 years on I feel we have turned a corner
and she does now trust herself to love us, but I remember incidents where if we felt we
had drawn close to her this would produce a torrent of rejecting behaviour and language
as she tried to protect herself. She still demonstrates her vulnerability by her need for
reassurance if she feels she is in trouble, but what a long way we have come.