1. Making Peace in a World of Violence:
Families and Congregations Participate in Healing Hurt Kids
T. Laine Scales, Hope Haslam Straughan, and April T. Scales
In FORMATION FOR LIFE:
JUST PEACEMAKING AND 21ST CENTURY DISCIPLESHIP
Book Editors: Rodney L. Petersen, Glen H. Stassen, and Timothy A. Norton
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Imagine a six year old little boy, crying out into the dark night: As he screams,
shouts cries, and whimpers, his legs flail, he tugs on his ears, and buries his head
deeper in the covers. The third ‘night terror’of the evening finds Mom racing
from her room to his side once again, quietly offering prayers and comfort for her
seemingly inconsolable son who cannot tolerate being hugged or even touched. In
two short hours, she’ll wake him to get ready for Sunday School. Can she really
do this? Was it really supposed to be this hard?

2. What this child is experiencing is not that unusual for a hurt child who has been adopted
into a family and has a history of trauma, abuse and neglect. Adoptive parents and
children are on a journey towards individual and collective peace due to the effects of
these early life events, and community found within a congregation can be a healing
component of this transformation.
Who are we and why are we writing this chapter?
Laine and Hope are longtime friends and colleagues and we are both adoptive mothers of
hurt children, that is, children who have been abused, neglected, and lost their birth
families. We are also Christians, who identify peacemaking as an essential part of family-
making and community-making. In graduate school, we were both students of Dr. Glenn
Stassen at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. We were deeply influenced by the
ways in which he taught and lived out a Christian call to active peacemaking. Since that
time, we also have come to appreciate the Sabbath mandate as we supported Rodney
Peterson and Tim Norton in their commitments to Lord’s Day Alliance. Further, Rodney
is a part of Hope’s congregation and has, along with his family and congregation, offered
the daily love and care for Hope’s family that we suggest is a part of congregational
support for families of hurt kids.
Through the editors of this volume and the organizations and schools they lead, we have
been greatly influenced to consider how peacemaking and Sabbath commandments
influence the families we are building. In addition, we are both college professors trained
as social workers, bringing our profession’s knowledge base to bear our family-building.
Our hope is to share with you our professional and personal knowledge about hurt kids so

3. that our readers may be inspired and equipped to assist these children and families within
their congregations.
April, our co-author, is Laine’s 16 year old daughter. She has contributed to this chapter
by offering experiences of her life as a hurt child living with Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder. We anticipate that as Matt and Billy grow older they will be able to articulate
their stories too. Listening carefully to first hand statements of hurt kids is an essential
beginning point and we are grateful to April for sharing her point of view in order to help
other kids and families seeking peace.
Hope and her husband Jay adopted Matt and Billy in 2002, at ages 3 and 4. Laine and
Glenn, partially inspired by their visits with the Straughan family and Hope’s guidance
through the CPS negotiations, adopted April in 2005 at age 11.
We shared in this chapter glimpses into our daily lives as a way to introduce some of the
needs and concerns of congregants parenting children hurt by violence. We hope our
stories will help readers involved in congregations and other communities of support to
empathize with and assist adoptive families. We could not have survived our experiences
nearly so well without the love of our congregations for our children and for ourselves as
parents.
Making peace with the past
To set a context for understanding the needs of hurt children and how families and
congregations can respond, we will provide a brief overview of how trauma affects
children. Specifically, we will explore Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), one of the
disorders our children live with daily. While many readers may associate PTSD with

4. soldiers traumatized by war, it is a common diagnosis for children reared in violent
families.
The American Psychiatric Association (APA) introduced PTSD as a possible diagnosis n
1980 when their diagnostic manual (DSM) defined a traumatic event as “occurring
outside the range of usual human experience.” The proposed revisions to the DSM
forthcoming in 2013 include additional criteria that refine the definition by addition two
additional criteria.: 1) “The person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an
event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the
physical integrity of self or others, and 2) The person's response involved intense fear,
helplessness, or horror" (APA, 2000, pp. 467-468). The forthcoming 2013 DSM
diagnosis may introduce a new diagnosis, “Developmental Trauma Disorder” which will
be important for children and teens as it points out how trauma affects physical,
cognitive, psychological, (and we would argue spiritual) development.
Children living with past traumas experience every day events in dramatically different
ways from the rest of us. In this way, hurt children are in a constant struggle to make
peace with their past. Greenwald describes a “ trauma wall” behind which a person
surviving trauma holds all the fear, anxiety, anger, and helplessness, rather than being
able to “ digest” it or process it along with other memories. This is especially true for
children and teens who were pre-verbal at the time of trauma. Having no language to
express or remember words or stories about what happened to them makes processing
and integrating their horrific memories even more challenging. Greenwald relates an
example of an everyday experience of a traumatized teen:

5. Most of us, when accidentally bumped in the hallway, will be slightly irritated,
perhaps make a comment, but forget about it five minutes later. Now think about
the twelve-year-old boy who has been routinely physically abused at home.
Behind the wall is piled-up fear of being attached, a sense of helplessness, and
rage. When he is bumped in the hallway, the “sore spot” reaction from the stuff
piled up behind the wall is so strong that he believes he is being attached.
Naturally, being angry and not wanting to feel helpless anymore, he defends
himself. When he is sent to the assistant principal’s office for “punching a peer
with no provocation,” he insists that the other kid started it. (Greenwald, 2005, p.
13)
The person experiencing trauma may not be aware of triggers as they are happening. For
example, a child who does not immediately understand how to do her math homework
may give up easily, when she may be able to do it with a little more effort. However, she
is already overwhelmed by constant sense of helplessness lurking in the “sore spot”
behind the wall. Students, parents, and teachers may not recognize how the sore spot is
affecting seemingly ordinary school tasks (Greenwald, 2005).
Making peace with oneself
At the same time a child is making peace with the past, she must move toward accepting
and making peace with herself. Children who have been told from an early stage that
they are “bad” or have been forced by adults to engage in behavior that our society has
rejected as bad behavior, must come to terms with what they have done. Self-hatred is a
common issue for hurt children who have internalized in their deepest core what their

6. early families told them with words or actions: “you are worthless, you are bad, it’s all
your fault.”
One of the important distinctions our professional study has helped us to discern is the
difference between shame and guilt. Shame involves emotions of disgrace, humiliation,
and self-blame. In healthy families, parents and children re-establish connection after
misbehavior; parents assure the child she is still safe and loveable. However, in families
with depressed, angry, neglecting, or rejecting parents, the child’s shame leads her to feel
worthless, inferior, and unlovable (Orlans and Levy, 2006, p.53). These children carry
their shame with them, even when they are behaving appropriately. In moments of
misbehavior, their shame reactions become extreme, leading them to defend themselves
in the face of obvious lying or other infractions. They may withdraw and hide out of fear,
refuse to apologize, rage against the person calling attention to the infraction, blame
others even when it is obvious the fault is theirs, or avoid the offended people. All of
these shame reactions are focused on protecting themselves and surviving.
Helping children learn to move toward guilt, rather than shame, when they have engaged
in wrong behavior is an important task in their healing. Attachment issues come to the
fore when describing a guilt reaction: the offending child or teen focuses on the behavior
itself and recognizes it as a behavior, not a character flaw. She is anxious to repair the
wrong and to restore harmony in relationship. Desire for reparation is increased if she is
attached. Apologies flow from guilt and remorse and right relationship can be restored
(Miculincer & Shaver, 2007).
Avoiding a shame response seems almost impossible at times. For example, a young

7. Matt & Billy, when committing even a common infraction for kids, such as taking a toy
from a playmate, were most likely to react to the situation with a deep shame response
instead of a more healthy and common response of guilt or remorse. Guilt and remorse,
when expressed and acted on by the person experiencing it, can often lead to a freedom
of those feelings, reconnection with those who have been wronged or hurt by the choices,
and an ability to move on with the day with a steady mood and countenance. However,
when small and large mistakes or missteps evoke shame, a child is internalizing a dark,
powerful emotion of blame, self-destructive and negative thoughts that make it
increasingly difficult to apologize, much less reconnect with the person interacting with
them around these choices and behaviors. It often becomes a cycle, which is unable to be
slowed down, stopped, or reversed.
For about two years, the primary goal we (Hope and Jay) were working on with Billy and
his therapist, was that most of the time, he would be able to make this terribly difficult
shift away from his shame, yelling and accusations to others which ultimately led to
destructive self-talk. Instead, he was to move toward a short apology and an ability to
reconnect with the rest of the family and re-engage in the evening activities, a response to
his guilt reaction, and not shame. This goal was set after years of his extremely difficult
behavior on most evenings of the week, which led to exhaustion, separation, and
destruction of much self-esteem, of material property, and a deterioration of relationships
between the family members. Billy would get sucked up in that dark cycle of shame and
self-blame, and often would miss dinner after stomping off to his room, yelling all the
way, and barricading himself in his room. He’d fall asleep in a disturbed, exhausted
state, without the relief of reconnected relationship, forgiveness and deep acceptance. To

8. further the cycle, this lack of resolution before sleep led to very challenging mornings, as
he’d awaken fatigued, embarrassed, and with inexpressible raw emotions.
Norah, Billy’s therapist, helped the parents introduce simple ‘interruptions’ to that
dark cycle of blame and shame, including offering Billy a small cup of warm milk, using
a squishy ball to throw, or squish to focus aggression and frustration in that contained
manner, or when his behavior was not threatening, introducing Simba, the family’s
golden retriever, into Billy’s path and allow Simba’s warm, loving, constant presence and
playfulness work its canine magic! It took well over a year and a half for Billy’s
successes to reach the level of ‘most of the time he’s able to separate himself if need be,
but then apologize, reconnect with people, and re-engage in the evening activities.’
Interrupting that dark and powerful shame and blame cycle remains one of the most
important goals as the parents assist Billy in making peace with himself, and coming to a
place of acceptance for who he is, as Hope and Jay have accepted and embraced him.
This example of Billy's growth and progress illustrates the miracles that the love of a
family can bring.
As is common with kids in foster care and adoption, Matt and Billy have
additional arenas to make peace with in terms of race and ethnicity. Their biological
parents were a mixed race couple: one parent was White and one parent was Black. The
Straughan’s are a transracial family now, as Hope and Jay are both White, and their two
sons are both White and Black. Matt looks fully African-American with beautiful, rich
dark brown skin, and hair that is currently growing out in twists-becoming-dreads. Billy
is much lighter skinned, appearing almost Latino in tone, with hair that is almost exactly
like Hope’s – full of body, brown, and full of loose curls.

9. A child moves toward making peace with himself in a context with those they are
closest to, the feedback they receive, and what they ‘see’ when they look around them. In
the Straughan family’s earliest days, Matt was deeply distraught because his skin was so
much darker than anyone else in his new ‘forever family.’ He cried over it, begged his
new parents to somehow change his hair so it could be more like Jay’s – blonde, straight
and very unlike his own! A year and a half later, Hope was stunned by a story his
kindergarten teacher graciously recounted, having overheard it one morning while she
was hanging Matt’s coat up and getting his school materials put away. Ms. Kremer heard
E.J. say, “Hey, Matt, why isn’t your mom black like you and me?” Matt reportedly
stopped his Lego building project, looked up to see Hope walking out of the classroom
door, and after a short pause, he said, “I don’t know, but her favorite color’s black!” and
they both went back to their building. It seemed that in a short time Matt had found some
level of peace with his own racial identity which allowed him to be completely open to
any connection he and his forever Mom might have about black-ness. Today, Matt’s
favorite color is black, as is Hope's.
Making peace in a new family
The primary tasks of a new family are to build new attachments and establish roles
within the family. This may sound simple, but these tasks are surrounded by years of
storming, confusion, and grief. As one of our children's therapist put it "the time you
need most to get away from your child, perhaps when they are pushing away, will be the
time they most need you to come near." How does one move toward a child who is so
rejecting? This is one area in which congregations and communities of support can help
families the most. In order to understand how children join families, we will briefly

10. introduce the idea of attachment.
Much of the literature on foster care and adoption points to the very difficult process of
attachment, which we will define here as “the deep and enduring biological, emotional,
and social connection caregivers and children establish early in life” (Orlans and Levy,
2006). As we began exploring the vast literature on attachment, we learned to distinguish
between bonding and attachment. We came to understand bonding as a quicker, easier,
but more superficial relationship often present in the early “ honeymoon phase” of
adoption. Attachment, on the other hand, is a much more complex human need which
takes years to develop within adoptive families. Orlans and Levy (2006) remind us that
attachment security has been shown to be the most powerful predictor of life success
because it directly affects learning, brain development, self-control, trust, and impacts
relationships throughout life. Hurt children have disrupted and damaged attachments
leading them to focus on self-preservation and survival rather than entering relationships
in more positive ways.
Studies on the developing brain demonstrate that an infant’s interaction with caregivers
actually shapes the formation and operation of the brain, including the Neocortex, Limbic
system, and brain stem. The parts of the brain most affected by neglect and/ or abuse are
the areas that regulate self control, the release of stress hormones, and the way genetic
material is expressed. Add to these negative effects the mental illness, alcoholism, drug
use, and other factors common among parents giving birth to hurt children, and the
obstacles to healthy living, beginning in infancy, seem insurmountable (Orlans &Levy,
2006).

11. Neglecting or abusive parents fail to respond, or respond violently to the normal
biological and social needs of their children. Setting up a situation where trust is replaced
by mistrust and fear, the infant may face a lifetime of disrupted attachments. Orlans and
Levy (2006) instruct adoptive parents of hurt children to practice what they call
“corrective attachment parenting” to build later in life the attachments that should have
been in place between parents and their infants.
These authors use the mantra “change the dance, change the outcome” to describe how
adoptive and foster parents create new relationship experiences for wounded children.
Through these new experiences of relating to parents differently, in positive and nurturing
ways, children can learn to trust and change their behavior. This is not an overnight
process; it may take years or decades. (Orlans and Levy, 2006). While they are traveling
this road, adoptive and foster parents need the support of congregations and other loved
ones.
When children have attachment disruptions early in life, an unfortunate outcome is that
the lack of affective attunement with a caring adult causes the child to have a distorted
understanding of self in relation to others (Hughes, 2006). Children often find it difficult
to discern a level of intensity or intimacy in relationship with others, such as between a
‘best friend’ and a child they’ve played with for 10 minutes at the local park for instance.
This often plays out in the home as well, but with far more challenging results. The child
with reactive attachment disorder (a rare, but very serious diagnosis), often reacts
strongly, intensely and negatively to the mother figure in the home. For example, a child
may bolt when going from the car to the school, from the church to the car. In extreme
cases, a child may become violent by hitting, pinching and throwing things along with

12. utilizing verbal assaults.
While children may be close to the mother in certain stages of attachment, the adoptive
mother may become a particular target as the child associates her with the birth mother
with whom they failed to attach. This phase is one of the most painful parts of adoptive
motherhood, and supportive congregations can help.
As professional social workers, we were both quite prepared cognitively for this
rejection, though nothing could have prepared us emotionally. We have spent our careers
studying about psychological processes and teaching human behavior and human
development courses. However, even that strong knowledge base could not prepare us
for the human experience of being rejected by the child you so hope will love you. It
requires a mother to transcend her own needs and emotions and continue to accept the
rejecting child. During this phase, adoptive children often are particularly loving and
preferential to the father figure, perhaps as a way to stay close to one adult, perhaps as a
way to attempt to separate the parenting team.
New roles within new families
As children begin to make peace within a new family, they are working simultaneously to
make peace with the birth family, and other families who have cared for (or neglected and
abused) them. Matt, who was the oldest of the three siblings abandoned at a police
station, a ‘safe zone,’ by their biological mother, was three years old when he took on the
very serious role of protector and big brother/parent to Billy (then almost 2) and their
youngest brother (almost 1). April played a similar parent role with her two younger
siblings until she was separated from them at age 10. Our older children had been the

13. ones to feed their siblings when their parents were drunk or absent: they found anything
from cereal without milk to crumbs on the floor to provide for brothers and sisters.
Naturally, living with constant fear and mistrust, they kept secret burdens at first about
their lives and about what had happened to them as a natural part of protecting
themselves and their siblings.
This parentification is typical of the oldest child in situations of neglect and abuse, and
though problematic on many fronts, this parentification often leads to the survival that is
possible for any or all children involved. However, once the parentified child joins a safe
family, “...the behaviors that once helped [the parentified child] now threaten his
placement and healthy development” (Schooler, Smalley, & Callahan, 2009, p. 7). Take
Matt, as an example: The ‘survival’ roles he took on, and the patterns he held to, were
unhealthy for him. He wasn’t free to be a ‘kid,’ to laugh, to be free of worry, concern, or
free from awareness of the bigger world as most 3 year olds are. This was evident in his
very serious demeanor, hyper-focus on surroundings, immediate assumption of gloom
and doom when any change or unexpected thing occurred, and particularly in his mono-
focus on the safety, well-being, and situation of his brothers.
As Matt, supported by his therapist and his family, began to learn new roles and skills,
allowing him to be a helpful, fun brother instead of a parent, he also began asking
questions about why his biological mom could not take care of them, and even why the
woman who was their foster mom for over a year didn’t want them anymore. Though it
is absolutely heart-breaking to hear these questions, the parent who engages in an
accepting stance, listening to what is being asked directly, and to whatever else might be
behind the question, has an opportunity to offer grace and mercy as this child is trusting

14. YOU enough to ask these questions that are often running through their internal voices
and doubts. Being careful to work age-appropriately, taking these rare opportunities to
share information that you do know can be an extraordinary gift to the child. For, as
humans are apt to do, Matt had created answers to these and many other questions, as no-
one offered explanations, particularly in response to his biological parents and their
sudden absence from his life. Research reflects that those child-produced ‘answers’ are
often grounded in self-blame and distorted beliefs about siblings, etc., which can cause
even greater grief, self-blame, and fragile self-esteem (Hughes, 2006).
Hope and Jay had been telling Matt why his biological parents were not able to take care
of him, as they taught both boys about what a forever family entails – a safe, loving
home where your needs are met, and which is free of violence. However, Matt needed
his new parents to say explicitly and repeatedly that his biological parents could not keep
him safe, and could not provide a consistent, healthy and violence-free environment. The
parents soon realized the repetition was important for the boys to really ‘get’ this truth.
Though the parents did not know WHY this was true, they did know that it was true, and
helping Matt hear, begin to believe, and accept that, was a significant step toward his
making peace with being in OUR family. It was soon after this conversation, that he
decided to share with his new parents three specific memories of his young childhood in
the biological family – it seemed as if he had consciously decided that he no longer had
to hide this information or protect his biological mother. And, of course, Matt and Billy
were both told numerous times that their foster mom and her family loved them deeply
and still cared for them, but that she was the very special family who had been able to
offer stability, love, and consistency for them while the social workers were looking for

15. their forever family. It wasn’t that she did not ‘want’ them anymore, it was that she had
fulfilled her role of care, support, and parenting, and had agreed with the social worker
that the best outcome for Matt and Billy was to become part of our forever family.
Both of our families kept in close contact with the most recent foster family, particularly
in the early years after adoption. Our intention was to provide for our children the gift of
on-going relationship, and avoid the feeling of loss associated with truncated
relationships. This also gave us opportunities to learn more about the children’s year or so
of shared life in this foster family and to express gratitude in front of our children for the
important roles these vibrant families played in our children’s healing. These early visits
helped our children draw a distinction between a “forever family” and a foster family.
Congregations can help children understand these transitions by providing rituals to mark
them and speaking publically in a ceremony about the series of families the child has
experienced. In a later section we will outline how an entrustment ritual may help
children understand more about their moves to different homes.
Storms will precede peace
It is not uncommon for children who lacked stable and consistent parenting from a young
age, to be impulsive, quick to anger, and easy to reach a point of out of control frustration
(Jewett, 1979). This has been the case in our families, particularly in the early years of
our family-making. When in the midst of one of these intense and terrifying episodes a
child can be so utterly overcome with fear of being intimately accepted, loved, and
deeply loved, that they do all in their power to ensure they will be rejected, sent away,
and proven right that they are indeed unlovable. Of course hurt children are not able to

16. articulate or even realize that this is in their thoughts. Instead, what they express is very
direct, painful and blaming thoughts and sometimes threats toward the parent.
We have experienced verbal assaults that range from self blame, accusations of us not
being a real family, threats or actual attempts to run away, or even attempts to wound the
self physically, all based in self-hatred. We thank God that our children have stayed safe
every day in spite of these internal threats.
As Keck and Kupecky (1995) point out, “One of the hardest things for many hurt
children to let go of is the dynamic of anger they often experienced and participated in
while in their birth family. They have an amazing ability to recreate this dynamic with
their new parents, who once considered themselves patient and loving” (p. 124). This
was certainly the case with us. Both of us have experienced intensely dark seasons of life
with our children. In order to keep peace, we made compromises that did not fit our
ideals for family life. Maybe we did not ask a child a second time to hang up a coat or
backpack, for fear of an escalated response. While trying to be consistent, maybe we
allowed a day of respite from chores in particularly stressful times.
As mothers, we would wake up each morning during these dark seasons and become
immediately tense, desperate to avoid our children’s wrath and outbursts, or their
ignoring us as if we were invisible. What we understand now that we are through this
darkness and on the other side of it, is that children who are fighting their hurt,
experiencing flashbacks, desperately trying to trust, and generally still in survival mode,
will battle for control using any means possible. These dark seasons are opportunities for
congregations to come alongside parents and help them stay grounded in reality. A

17. congregation that knows a child and family well can remind parents how far the child has
come and instill hope that growth can still occur.
Ironically, children behaving their worst are often starving and desperate for someone
else who is sturdy, strong, and consistent, to take over (Troutman & Thomas, 2005).
They fight for control at the same time they desperately want to relinquish control. There
is wide consensus in the literature on attachment that the adoptive mother bears the brunt
of the child’s anger, fear, and testing. In addition, children may perceive fathers as
strong, because they often have height, physical strength, deep and strong voices, and all
the stereotypical signs of strength for our culture. However, mothers often must prove to
scared kids that they are strong enough to protect their hurt children. When we pass the
hurt child’s many tests, we prove, not only our constancy, but our strength. They begin to
see the “lioness” that can protect them from all the outside dangers of the world at the
same time she is nurturing and loving toward them. By our repeated survival, even of the
most vile words, kicks, screams, or tricks our kids can throw us, we are proving to scared
kids that we are strong enough to keep our promises and, as White puts it, that we can
“withstand load and pressure” put upon us, from the world or from our children
themselves (White, 1983, p. 234). This is one of the hardest issues to face and work
through, in order to make any kind of peace with the new family, the biological family,
and ultimately with themselves. Our families should not face this alone; we must turn to
our congregational community for support.
In Laine’s family, the phase of April testing the attachment coincided with adolescence,
giving our family a double dose of the individuation/ separation task of adolescent
development, but complicated by the attachment process we were experiencing. Now

18. that we have passed through to the other side of this phase, April has the wisdom and
insight to reflect on what was happening. She writes:
Every adult had failed me from the day I was born. My birth mother gave me
away to CPS [Child Protective Services] when I was four, every foster family I
lived with was easily able to remove me from their homes without a second
thought, and my first adoptive family abused me for four years after having told
me myriad times that they "loved" me. My confidence had been shattered and my
view on the world was beyond pessimistic. All people did was hurt others. There
was no such thing as being able to love or care about someone. I came to learn
that I was the only person I could rely on and the only person I could trust.
Through much pain, I became an independent individual.
When I was adopted into Laine and Glenn’s family, I wanted to be able to hope
that they would never harm or leave me. However, I could not recollect a time
when an adult treated me properly and cared for my needs. I had lost the last of
my hope years before. Laine and Glenn told me that I could trust them and they
loved me, but I had heard that millions of times. They insisted that we would be a
forever family, but was there such a thing as forever?
Being a part of this forever family, I could no longer do as I pleased. I now had
two people that I had no trust in telling me what they thought was best for me.
Laine and Glenn would tell me to go to bed at a certain time or to do chores.
Now I can see that they meant to add stability in my life and keep me healthy, but
at the time I perceived the requests as ways to control me and strip me from the

19. only thing I had left; myself.
As I became a teenager, my urge to claim independence became overwhelming. At
fifteen, I was begging, pleading, and screaming to stay out until one a.m., be
driven from place to place, and to not have chores. I was blessed with many
privileges and opportunities that most teenagers were not. But I never believed it
was enough. I wanted my full individualism back. When it was not given to me, I
began threatening to move out or run away. My mom and I would spend hours
yelling at each other and arguing...sometimes over the silliest things. Despite all
the threats and curses I screamed out and the long arguments, my parents
remained strong, stable, and loving. This was exactly what I had needed my entire
life. Because of this, I am now a strong, wise, and mature teenager.
April’s story describes the process that families with hurt kids must pass through; there is
no short cut or way around it. Supportive congregations can help adoptive families by
simply staying attuned to parents who need respite, acceptance, or extra encouragement.
The hurt children and teens also need to be accepted and to have their behavior viewed as
a process that must occur on their journey to making peace with their new families. A
loving congregation can support the rejected parent(s) without being overly critical or
punishing of this hurt child who must pass through this process of testing and temporarily
rejecting the parents in order to make peace in the new family.
Being present with a child making peace
Daniel Hughes (2006), a clinical psychologist who specializes in child neglect and abuse
as well as foster care and adoption, has crafted a theoretical model to guide helping

20. professionals, parents, and other care givers in the healing work of helping troubled
children find peace within themselves, and among those surrounding them. The model is
based on the five principles of acceptance, curiosity, being empathic, loving and being
playful. When a child is railing against himself and talking about how little and how bad
he is, Hughes acknowledges that the natural response of most adults is to contradict the
child, and show how many ways that child is brave, strong, important, and loved.
However, this response, once again, proves to children that they are not listened to, that
what they feel so deeply is dismissed entirely. Instead, Hughes says that we should be
100% accepting of these statements, and in an empathic, curious manner, reflect back to
the child that it must be so hard to feel such despair and sadness.
This connection with hurt children around their very raw and real emotions is a great gift,
which can lead over time, to a letting go of some of that darkness, as they no longer have
to experience it alone. Through the spontaneous use of playful interactions, and
consistently loving communication, even in very hard and disruptive situations, a child
can begin to experience healthy relationships and a renewed belief in themselves, and
peace between themselves and others. We need to be reminded that change takes place
over time, and is sometimes barely visible. The disruptions, violence, and challenging
behavior found in many foster and adoptive homes often drives extended family and
friends away, and they are fearful and blaming at worst, or questioning of the extensive
shifts and new ways of interacting and disciplining that are often necessary to help these
children heal at best.
“Parents must pass the many tests their child may devise to see if he can truly
trust this new family. The tests lessen over time but may emerge when another

21. trauma, large or small, occurs for the child of family. Trauma leaves vulnerable
spirits.” (Schooler, Smalley, & Callahan, 2009, p. 8)
Orlans and Levy (2006) recognize that adoptive parents will have three primary
challenges, the child will push away love and support, the child will need help coping
with emotions and stress, and parents must find ways to manage their own emotional
reactions to this challenging process. In our view, congregations can play an essential
role in supporting adoptive families and assisting with these three challenges.
Making peace with God
While spiritual development may proceed differently for each child, the faith of hurt
children will be deeply affected by the multiple crises they have survived. While adult
onlookers may expect that children surviving trauma might be thankful to God for saving
or rescuing them into a new family, this may not be the stance of the hurt child. As social
worker and family ministry author Diana Garland reminds us:
... . crisis almost always creates questions about the meaning and purpose of
human life. Did we cause our own suffering? How can a loving God let children
get cancer? How can I be depressed if I believe in a loving, graceful God? And
on and on –for every crisis there is a question, a belief system that may be under
siege.. (Garland, in press).
Unfortunately, the unpredictable behavior of wounded children that stems from their
anger and hopelessness, may be labeled by others (even church members,) as immoral or
sinful. They are often more confused than other children about images of God as a loving
parent, the sinful nature of persons, forgiveness, grace, and other theological ideas.

22. Families and others working with hurt children may have difficulty suspending judgment
or frustration.
However, as Wayne Muller (1992) describes in his book, Legacy of the Heart, The
Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood, these wounds may ultimately lead to a
closeness to God and “a profound inner wisdom” as the child becomes an adult.
Deep within them [hurt children]—just beneath the wound—lies a profound
spiritual vitality, a quiet knowing, a way of perceiving what is beautiful, right, and
true. Since their early experiences were so dark and painful, they have spent much
of their lives in search of the gentleness, love, and peace they have only imagined
in the privacy of their own hearts. (Muller, 1992, p. xiii)
If hurt children and teens have this potential for the “profound spiritual vitality” that
Muller describes, how can families and congregations create environments to nurture this
kind of faith development? In this section we will address practical ways families and
congregations can nurture spiritual development within hurt children and teens.
Spiritual development in the home
While congregations have some responsibility for religious development, the home is
primary (White, 1983). Congregations can support and reinforce the experiences within
the family as they attempt to re-teach hurt children and teens about trust and
commitment. Ernest White points to the trust vs. mistrust continuum within Eric
Erickson’s model of psychosocial development as an important element within the child’s
religious development. This trust/self-confidence quality points outward as one learns to
trust others, and inward as one develops confidence in oneself. Anyone who has spent

23. time with hurt children recognizes their lack of trust in others and low self- confidence.
And yet, as White asserts, “Faith and trust are the glue of the relationship with God”
(White, p. 233). Jesus assured the disciples over and over again that they could trust
their loving parent God to care for them. Helping children within the home to develop
trust and self-confidence will serve as a foundation for developing trust in God.
However, for hurt children, this is a long road.
Commitment is another element of a child’s religious development and one that may be a
mystery to hurt children. As White points out, commitment is God’s creation of family
itself and the Genesis 2 account of creation describes “cleaving” as the glue of a
permanent family relationship. Hurt children have lacked permanence and commitment
from adults. Without commitment, relationships are temporary and risky. “Commitment
guarantees permanence in relationship,” says White (1983, p. 234). “This quality allows
a person to develop relationships which can withstand load and pressure exerted upon
them. A relationship with commitment has the potential to endure conflict, growth, and
change” (p. 234).
As you have seen the stories of the Straughan and Scales families, our permanence and
our continuing commitment are a constant question mark in the minds of our kids. We
call ourselves “forever family” – a term we learned in our adoption training. However,
since they’ve never experienced anything “forever-like” before they came to live with us,
the children’s belief in the concept is shaky, and understandably so. As parents, we have
been tested, accused, and pushed away. We understand what our children are doing:
these are very legitimate attempts to try to reassure themselves and increase their faith in
our promises to them. It is painful for us and for them, but each time we experience this

24. as parents, we prove our constancy and the children’s fears are assuaged; each time we
cleave a little tighter as a family. We are showing them the permanence of family and
providing a paradigm for the steadfastness of a God who loves forever.
Making Peace with the Church
Christian families parenting hurt children must be able to lean on their congregations for
support, tangible help, and guidance in spiritual matters. We have learned about this
experientially from receiving the good love of our own congregations. We did not know
what we needed and could not ask for it. However, our churches were sensitive to our
needs and responded.
When Laine and Glenn first met their daughter-to-be (April), she was 11 years old and
attended church regularly with her foster family. One of the most special moments of the
second visit with her was when she leaned her sweet blonde head against Laine’s arm
during the worship service. Her leaning was so tentative that she barely put her little ear
against Laine’s shoulder, seemingly afraid to rest her full head, lest she be rejected. Of
course Laine responded by embracing her; their first mother-daughter touch. Laine
recorded the memory in a few lines of a poem called “Love Decides.”
Little ear on my shoulder in church
Arms open to surround you and
Will never close
Forever family is born (Scales, 2008).
The journey of this new family included church services right away as a time to be close

25. and to love. In fact, the church pew was always a special place where they sat together as
a family of three: girl in the middle surrounded by a loving parent on either side. That
December, as a way to celebrate this new family, the pastor invited them to light the
advent candles, recalling Christ’s coming. This newly formed family of three mirrored
Mary and Joseph welcoming the new baby.
In addition, the new family created a religious ritual together to celebrate their
beginnings. At the suggestion of social workers from Buckner Family and Children’s
agency, their adoption consultants, they wrote a family covenant that became the center
of an “entrustment ceremony” in which the foster family and others entrusted the care of
April to her new parents. The covenant spelled out promises to April from her parents:
they promised to stay with her, to help her remember her families of the past, to be
present in her joys and sorrows, and that she will always have a place in their home and
in their hearts, even after she is grown.
The parents drafted the ceremony and asked April to edit the manuscript. They invited
the adoption case workers and therapists to attend the ceremony and affirm that they
trusted this would be a good family. The current foster family articulated a “letting go,”
noting how much she had grown healthier and stronger during the year she spent with
them. April’s friend from her current church, Anna, came to the ceremony. The parents’
church provided a candle arrangement and the family lit candles to represent April’s past
families, her siblings, and others she would continue to love and remember. The ritual
closed with the foster parents and nine foster siblings reading a benediction to April; a
prayer from the parents’ wedding ceremony. Each year the family celebrates Entrustment
Day with special treats and family togetherness.

26. The Straughan family ritualized their entrustment in a similar way and both families
celebrate these anniversaries with special treats and family togetherness. By ritualizing
and celebrating yearly our transitions with promises and prayers, blessings and
benedictions, our families have created special memories (and DVD recordings) of our
lifelong commitments that we can return to as we wish. While we did not hold these
ceremonies in our church’s buildings, our current and former congregations were present
in the candles, the blessings, and the friendships represented in the ceremony (Lieberman
& Bufferd, 1998; and Mason, 2002).
Spiritual Trauma
As a preschooler, April had never been part of a congregation as she floated through a
series of foster families, some that abused her further emotionally and physically. When
she was 7 years old she went to live with a family that held what they called “home
church” along with home school. In reality, neither religious nor academic activities took
place in these home events. She understands now that these claims of academic or
spiritual education were designed to cover up the family’s plan to isolate April and her
siblings so that their abuses could not be discovered by caring congregations and school
teachers.
It was in this family, during some of her prime faith development years (ages 7- 10) that
our daughter experienced violent spiritual abuses from which she has yet to recover. For
example, she was told regularly that she was a child of the devil and was going to hell.
When she did something perceived to be “bad,” she was told that God did not love her
and that she was unlovable. At the same time, she was confused about the family’s

27. spiritual commitments as she was given an expensive leather bible, had a poster of the 10
commandments hanging by her bed, was taught to sing along to Christian music on the
radio, and told to pray. Her younger brother was treated in a similar manner as he grew
older, and the family staged an exorcism designed to “get the devil out of him.” A few
days after the ritual was performed, he was told it had not worked because his faith was
too weak; the devil, the parents proclaimed, was still within him.
How does one heal from this kind of spiritual torture? Answers don’t come easy; six
years later, at the age of 17, April still struggles with all of this as her story continues to
unfold. The family’s congregation has been important in supporting the parents. When
April first came to live with her new family, her parents insisted that she attend church
with them weekly and participate in the children’s activities. One particularly touching
statement she made after being a part of the children’s class for about 6 months was this:
“I told my class about my siblings tonight at the prayer request time.” Separated from
and worried about her siblings, she shared her most urgent prayer concern with the other
children and they all prayed together. In addition to regular church involvement, her
parents prayed at home as a family when we tucked her into bed.
She gravitated to the strong women in our church, both laywomen and clergy. A loving
children’s minister involved her in choir, in church camps, and in weekly Sunday School.
Our preacher, a strong and joyful young woman, caught at least some of April’s attention
as she laid her head in my lap or drew pictures during the sermon. No one hassled us
about her sleeping in church or being too old to lie down in the pew. A church friend who
facilitated a knitting group to create comforting shawls (called prayer shawl ministry)
taught April to crochet and invited her to be the youngest member of this

28. intergenerational knitting circle. All of these activities gave April and those of us loving
her opportunities and contexts for expressing both faith and doubt.
One day, when she was about 12, an older woman in our knitting circle declared that the
blanket she was creating was for her foster family from childhood days. April had met
children in foster care, but never an older adult whose foster family had raised her years
ago. The knitter explained how she had been a difficult teenager in their care and how,
looking back, she felt repentant for her misbehaviors. The blanket, meant to keep this
couple warm as they aged, was intended to thank them for their care. I watched April as
she listened to this story; she was obviously moved by the connection between the
woman and her foster family. She was learning that foster families can be caring, and can
still be in touch many years later. This had not been her experience so far. We witnessed
an impromptu and fleeting connection in which a young girl saw how a person with a
traumatic childhood similar to hers could grow up, become a functioning adult, surround
herself with loving people, and carry on. These experiences in the knitting circle would
form the foundation of a special ministry with older kids in foster care that we would
develop in the coming years.
Reaching out to other hurt kids
These church experiences and bedtime prayer rituals are memories now. As she
continues to search for peace from the spiritual violence she has experienced, April seeks
it outside any formal congregation. Since she is a teenager, we allow her the space and
freedom to make this decision. She wonders, as many wounded people do, why God was
not there in her time of need: if God had been there, how could he allow her to be

29. abused? It may take a lifetime and more for her to be able to find peace about that
question, but as her narrative reveals, she is seeking:
The day I lost my faith in God is a day I will never forget. It was the day I finally
realized that the B’s, my first adoptive family who kept me for 3 years before
tossing me back to CPS, did not love me or care about me. That was the day I
finally realized that no one did or ever would care:
Tina slammed the pantry door closed. Darkness. Vomit mixed with Horseradish
and bits of blood covered the tiny, tiled pantry. My adoptive mother was forcing
me to sleep with my head in the vomit. I turned my head to face the ceiling. The
smell was revolting. I had been taught by this supposedly “Christian” family to
listen to Christian music. I began singing Call on Jesus.
"When I call on Jesus,
All things are possible...
...Cause he'll move heaven and earth
to come rescue me when I call
la la la..."
My voice faltered and tears welled in my eyes. My heart felt as if someone was
squeezing it as hard as they could. Anguish. Who was I kidding? I had prayed for
years and no one had ever listened. What kind of god would let me suffer so
much? My body tensed as I tried to keep my cries inside. All I allowed out of my
mouth was air that struggled to be released. I began hitting and clawing my body.

30. Why couldn't I just die? No one loved me. No one would miss me or care. I was
just a mistake. I cried until my body was worn, tired, and could no longer produce
any more tears. I laid there feeling numb and cold. Finally, I closed my eyes and
drifted into an uncomfortable sleep. I was all alone.
After I moved in with Laine and Glenn, we attended church every Sunday and
some Wednesdays. During Sunday School, I was fine. We didn't talk much about
God. Instead, we did art projects, sang, or prayed. But I dreaded going to the
sermons. Not because the preacher wasn't good, but because I was horrified by
the God-talk. The sermons were tragic reminders of what the B's did to me and
why. During the service, I would lay on my mom and sleep or I'd read; anything
to get my mind away from reality for that hour. I would constantly ask what time
it was and when church ended. I'd count down how many items we had left on the
bulletin.
As I got older, I asked my mom if I could attend Sunday School only. For awhile,
this worked. But once I became old enough to enter the youth group, almost all
we did was talk of God. My mind would wonder off and when the youth minister
requested I read a passage, my body would tense and my mouth would become
dry. I really felt like God was being shoved at me when what I needed was space
and time to heal. I couldn't heal when I was constantly being flashed into the past
and reliving all the memories I had gone through with this family that claimed to
be Christians.
Eventually, I moved to a different youth group in a new church, hoping that they

31. might be different. But, they weren't. It was the same every Sunday morning. So I
stopped going Sundays and only attended the Wednesday youth activities. Slowly,
I even removed myself from that and quit church all together.
For a couple years, I avoided anything related to God. I allowed myself the time
and space I needed to heal. I was given the opportunity to work through all the
horrors I had experienced.
Now, I am still in between the lines of Atheism and Christianity. However, a few
weeks ago, I was able to give the most sincere and heartfelt prayer I had given in
six years. I have had a renewed interest in God. A different God than the one the
B’s told me of. This God is a God that does not believe I am a mistake...A God
who forgives and loves all people. The steps I must take are tentative and shaky
today, but with time, they will become strong and confident.
One of the opportunities for April to work toward some resolution to her questions is
embodied in the ministry she and Laine started together through their church. Creating a
satellite of the prayer shawl ministry, they gathered young people and taught them to knit
and crochet, producing blankets for foster kids in transition to new homes. Noting that
much charitable attention is given to adopted babies while older children often go
unnoticed, their group focuses on children and teens age 10 or older. Kidz Komfort offers
opportunities for April to pay it forward as she once received a homemade quilt from a
group of church women in one of her new foster homes.
While meetings are held outside of the church walls, this ministry offers a venue for April
to share her story at whatever level she feels comfortable with and to do something

32. tangible, comforting, and meaningful in the context of her own journey. She shared a
few thoughts with her congregation one Sunday morning about the uses of a blanket:
At night, when they are in a strange place, kids can pull the blanket close to them
and know “someone was thinking of me.” It lights a spark of hope in the kid’s
heart....God stitches our lives together, putting us together like a crocheted
blanket. You still have mess ups, some holes are bigger than others. We are not
perfect. But the blanket can still be useful and keep you warm. Also, some kids
don’t like to be hugged by people, but they enjoy being cuddled by a blanket. I
felt that way sometimes; I didn’t want to hug or be close to a person because I
knew I’d just have to leave them in a few weeks or , at the most, a couple of
months. But being hugged by a blanket is like being surrounded by God’s love for
you. You always have it.
Families and congregations can encourage and facilitate this type of ministry that blesses
the giver as much as the recipient. And hurt kids need to give; to see themselves as
worthy of being a giver and strong enough to share something of themselves without
threatening their own survival. April had an opportunity to describe the ministry in the
church newsletter and several church members donated yarn or joined the group.
Congregations can help
From our own experiences as adoptive families, we have compiled the following list of
suggestions for how congregations can support adoptive families and our children have
added to the list. We believe you will recognize how the suggestions relate to the stories
we have shared in this chapter. The list is not exhaustive; your congregation will imagine

33. additional ways to help hurt children and families on their journey together toward peace:
Supporting individual children and teens
1. Understand delayed or unusual expressions of psychosocial development. An
older child joining a new family will want to cuddle, lay in a parent’s lap, and do
other things similar to a toddler. Behavioral issues in the nursery or in Sunday
School may mirror that of children younger in years.
2. As children and teens begin to consider church membership or confirmation,
recognize ways in which prior spiritual traumas may affect their perspectives.
They may be exceptionally reluctant to trust, or overly eager to join the church
without full understanding of their long term commitments.
3. Create art. Art has been shown to be therapeutic for children experiencing trauma
during a pre-verbal stage of life. Sunday School, Vacation Bible School, and
other artistic opportunities for children and youth are essential. This focus should
continue into the teenage years.
4. Create sound and movement. Children recovering from trauma must have
opportunities to sing, play instruments, dance, and join in other creative activities.
Watch for what is being expressed and be available for discussion as needed.
5. Create opportunities for dramatic expression. Plays, pageants, musicals, and other
opportunities offered in churches provide excellent opportunities for hurt children
to express themselves and try on new or different roles and identities.
Supporting adoptive and foster families

34. 1. Find ways to help families ritualize their life transitions while acknowledging
God’s blessings. Some examples include entrustment ceremonies, adoption-day
celebrations, child dedications, or families leading worship in song or scripture
readings.
2. Offer respite care to adoptive families of hurt children. Families in the
congregation may take the children for a weekend or even a Saturday offering
parents needed rest.
3. Protect private stories. Children and youth may tell stories of their past in an
effort to bond with their congregation or youth group. Members should be
warned of the personal nature of these (often dramatic stories of abuse or violence
so they are not repeated. The child needs a safe space to tell his or her story
without it being repeated.
Support from the entire congregation
1. Join faith communities from across the country in the Children’s Defense Fund-
sponsored Children’s Sabbath, in celebration of children as sacred gifts of the
Divine. This communal celebration provides the opportunity for houses of
worship to renew and live out their moral responsibility to care, protect and
advocate for all children. This celebration is part of a broader movement to
improve the lives of children and families, while working for justice on their
behalf (“National Observance,” 2010).
2. Encourage children and youth to minister to others. For example, April and
Laine's Kidz Komfort became a featured ministry in the church newsletter and

35. members supported the ministry by donating yarn.
3. Work through local agencies to advocate for abused children. When the church
reaches out to address child abuse, hurt children of the congregation learn
productive ways to express their anger and frustration at a world where innocent
ones can be violated. The church’s advocacy combats the hopelessness that hurt
children and youth may feel. In addition, hurt children, if they are comfortable,
can be excellent sources of information for others in the congregation who do not
understand trauma and abuse. Proceed with caution.
4. As ministers and lay workers work with children and teens, they must recognize
and respect the various ways in which a child’s trauma may affect spiritual
development. Ministers, social workers, and others in the congregation can help
identify readings and resources to enhance a layperson or minister’s knowledge
base regarding abuse.
5. Adopt children as a congregational effort. This requires a large and well
considered, long-term commitment, and can range from supporting multiple
families within the church who have adopted children, supporting families
financially who seek to adopt. (“Church Adoption Funds,” 2011; and “Our
Church to Church Model,” 2011).
Conclusion- Making Peace for a lifelong journey toward healing and wholeness
Children and teenagers who have been hurt in violent homes may spend the rest of their
lives trying to make peace: with themselves, their past, their new families, and with God.
Peace is the theme of this chapter and this collection of readings, and we will repeat what

36. has been stated by several authors throughout this volume: peace, as described in the
New Testament, is not passive, it is active. Foster and adoptive families, along with their
congregations, must assist hurt children to make peace.
In describing the psychological and spiritual lives of all children and teenagers,
developmental psychologists such as Eric Erickson point to conflicting inner urges as
well as external demands that are at work to form the personality. As a child pushes away
the parts of her life that are “unacceptable” and “not me” those darker parts still remain to
be integrated and dealt with in development. This integration may be called “peace” or
harmony and according to White, the achievement of peace “becomes a pressing issue for
every child but is, perhaps, the least recognized need” (White, 1983, p. 235).
If inner turmoil and the pushing away of the darker “not me” is the developmental task of
every child and teenager, imagine how insurmountable this task can be for a child who
has been told she is the embodiment of the devil. How impossible might this task be for
the boy who has been raped; he knows instinctively that the sexual act has to be “not me”
and yet remembers being present during the rape? One of the common symptoms of
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a common diagnosis of abused and hurt children, is
disassociation. This is an exaggerated “not me” reaction as a child tries to deal with
horrendous and unspeakable acts. The disassociating child tries to escape being present
using the mind and spirit to remove her “self” until safety returns. How hard it must be
to find peace in one’s lifetime under these circumstances.
White describes the biblical peace as “one which finds its center within the person as that
person relates to Christ” (1983, p 235). However, peace does not stop there, because

37. from that center the Christian develops peace in her relationships to others. For White,
the home provides “the greatest power in the development of peace in any person’s life.”
For hurt children, their earliest homes often held the chaos and battlegrounds that
destroyed their families. In their new foster or adoptive families, a child may be able to
move toward peace as she experiences the trust and commitment described above, along
with discipline and limit-setting that is loving and consistent (White, 1983). As we have
tried to demonstrate by sharing our own stories of adopting hurt children, the spiritual
development of the child as well as the support of the adopting family, can be an essential
part of the congregation’s ministry to families. The church is called to lift up, support,
develop, and instruct families as they seek to nurture peace within children whose prior
homes have been destroyed by violence. The church is also called to advocate for peace
on earth and freedom from violence for every child. Our prayer is that the peace that
passes all understanding may come to the world’s children, including our own hurt, but
healing kids.

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