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Elders' Development 2 Elders and Pastoral Care in the URC
- 1. Pastoral Care andMission Elders’ Development 2
- 3. Pastoral Care .. . . ?
- 4. What is PastoralCare? Who does it? Who gets it? Aim of Pastoral Care Definitions? 4
- 5. Why Pastoral carematters The Old Testament shows God to be like a compassionate parent Hosea 11:1-4 Love is at the heart of Christianity ... ...”as God’s chosen people, holy and loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility” Col 3:12 ... “A new commandment I give to you, that you lo ve one another as I have loved you ...” John 13:34 Jesus’ healing ministry shows that pastoral care can and does transform lives just as mi
- 6. Pastoral Care URCmanual gives function 3 of Elders’ Meetin g “to ensure pastoral care of the congregatio n ...” What is the difference between ensuring and d oing pastoral care ...? Former is about Elders’ responsibility .... ....while latter is about an appropriate strategy. => Elders (& minister/s) not only ones to do it. GOOD PRACTICE ensures appropriate methods to be used for young people & vulnerable adult
- 7. How do youfeel about it ... ?
- 8. What Does PastoralOversight Me an? To have an overview & give consideration to the needs of the whole C hurch and individuals. To make sure that an effective system of pastoral care is put in place. To take responsibility for the outworking of the system (not necessarily being the ones carrying out the care directly). To make sure that individuals and/or groups do not fall through the net. To check and evaluate that things are being done well. To support the work that is happening and those doing the work. To make sure that communication works well, so that the needs of people are not missed and that people feel affirmed. To discuss matters of policy which affect pastoral care e.g. What do we mean by confidentiality? What have we got to do about child protection? To pray for those in pastoral need and for those who do the caring. To be aware of agencies for referral eg Social Services, Counselling, Medical Centres, Citizens Advice Bureaux.
- 9. Bible text –John 5:1-15 Healing of man at pool Jesus sees the man & knows his condition Jesus deals with the problem not the circumstances Jesus does some follow-up 9
- 10. Pastoral Care .. . aspects to consi der Caring is first & foremost an ATTITUDE – and it is a task of the WHOLE church. Aspects of caring by Elders: 1. Taking care of yourself 2. Caring for each other as Elders 3. Developing a ‘Pastoral Strategy’ for the church Caring is both ‘reflective listening’ AND respon ding.
- 11. Taking care ofyourselves … feelings of inadequacy – have reliance on God’s guidance. responsibility – you are there as a pastoral visitor NOT a social worker! praying for yourself growing your own faith knowing your church managing your time working with others when possible?
- 12. What is Communication? What is “communication”? What “forms of communication” do we co mmonly use? What % of our communication is verbal? In what ways do we use non-verbal comm unication?
- 13. 5 Levels ofCommunication 13 Time Complete Emotional and 5 personal truthfulness Sharing of emotions & feelings 4 Exchanging ideas/judgements 3 Reporting facts about others 2 Cliché conversation 1
- 14. Blocks to Communication Some blocks to communication .... Use of particular words Being defensive and not open Judging a person or being critical Attempting to solve people’s problems Avoiding the issue or being dismissive Being unaware of your verbal and non-verbal communication. Being a poor listener
- 15. Listening Skills Listeningmeans hearing words, but also pi cking up what is beneath the words So what are we listening to? Their words Their tone of voice Silences Thoughts & themes Emotions
- 16. Guidelines for listening Enable and encourage the SPEAKER to sha re and work on what she/he is sharing, by LISTENING to the words & pauses between the m SHOWING that you are listening, using few wor ds but especially with your "body language“ RESPONDING in an accepting, non-judgmental way. ASKING questions when you do not understand REFLECTING back to the speaker SUMMARISING every so often
- 17. Pastoral Care andDiscipleship Read the encounter by an Elder from visits an d chats with a church member and then discuss in small groups: As a visitor how comfortable do you feel discussing matters of faith, God and discipleship? What would you feel you were offering in this situation and what would you expect to receive from the encounter? Are there particular Elders you would see as
- 18. Practical suggestions forvisitin g Clearly state your name & that the visit is on behalf of the church and ask “May I come in” Establish how regular future visits should be. Be prepared to receive—even a cuppa is a gi ft If you state you will do something, then DO it. Keep things in confidence unless permission is given to share the information. If someone has a criticism encourage them t
- 19. ... more practicalsuggestions .. . Phone calls or note through the door can b e a substitute for a visit but not all the time! When appropriate an Elder can invite peopl e to their home. If you feel conversations are moving into ar eas you feel uncomfortable with say so .... ... then refer this to your minister or those with
- 20. Advice on Visiting Keep records of each household names, relationships, occupations, interests, skills church involvement (past and present) special events: birthdays, anniversaries, deaths dates you have visited matters for referral: e.g. minister, home group leader Timing -> about 20-30 minutes. Have an aim for each visit e.g. topic of conversation Make an effort to raise the spirituality of the congregation20
- 21. Types of Visiting “Ordinary” Contact Visits Advance preparation Getting into the home The visit Concluding the visit 21
- 22. Types of Visiting Special Visits Prospective members The Sick The Housebound The Alcoholic The Dying The Bereaved
- 23. Pastoral Care .. . . Some ‘Mod els’ 1. Some Elders working together to care for people in a ‘sector’ 2. Appropriate members of the congregation forming ‘Pastoral Care Teams’ with an El der 3. From amongst the Elders some are set a side for Pastoral Care without any other d uties.
Editor's Notes
- #4 Just an opening “fun slide” idea is not to take ourselves too seriously even though we are engaged in a serious task and calling.
- #5 Some opening discussion questions for Elders to consider: Who does it? Who gets it? Aim of Pastoral Care Definitions?
- #6 Working in the whole group, ask the question “In the Church, why do we do pastoral care at all?” Record participants’ responses on the flip chart. Use one or two examples from scripture to illustrate that caring for people mirrors the nature of God and is the will of God. Love is the very nature of God so that pastoral care is “of God” – as shown below. Possible examples might be: - See Hosea 11: 1-4 for the image of God as a compassionate and loving parent. In reality all people need to be cared for physically, emotionally and spiritually. At different times we are all called upon to either offer care or be a carer. Love is at the heart of the Christian faith. Love of God and love of each other was shown to us in Jesus Christ. The life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ shows us that God’s love and care of humanity is without limit. In turn God calls on us to show the same love, care and compassion to those we live with and have contact with. Pastoral care is seen in Jesus and expected in his followers - See Colossians 3:12 where Christians are encouraged to be examples of and demonstrate God’s compassion for others. See John 13: 34-35 “… love one another. Just as I have loved you…” For Jesus, pastoral care comes before religious duties - See John 5: 1-18 - Jesus heals a man on the Sabbath. See Luke 8: 40-56, Jesus heals the woman who has been haemorrhaging for twelve years, makes her declare what he has done publicly, and then visits the home of Jairus, a leader of the synagogue. Technically, Jesus has made himself unclean by his contact with the woman but pastoral care came before religious rules. Say, in summary of this section: The Church is the body of Christ, equipped by Christ particularly in terms of Word and Sacrament and in terms of pastoral oversight. This is the theological basis for the Eldership’s work in this area of caring. Based on the God we know as Love and the example and commandment of Jesus to love one another, the Church is obliged to care, and needs to create a structured way of making sure that the pastoral care and love we see in the Gospels is enacted in Church life. For reflection and discussion at an elders meeting Take some time to read and reflect upon the hymn Brother, Sister let me serve you. (Rejoice & Sing 474). This is a well-used and loved hymn in many United Reformed Churches. It has much to say about how we may offer and receive pastoral care and of our expectations of it. Once reflected upon take time to discuss the implications for pastoral care in your setting. By caring for people the church mirrors the nature of God and plays out the will of God for us.
- #7 The United Reformed Church manual states function three of the Elders Meeting being: “to ensure pastoral care of the congregation, in which the minister is joined by elders having particular responsibility for groups of members” This statement can be a course of great joy to some elders and put fear into others. This module will look to explore the real meaning of the statement and to offer some thoughts and ideas to help the pastoral care of people be the best we can offer. The first thing that needs to be said is that there is a difference between ensuring pastoral care takes place and doing it. It is the former for which the elders meeting has collective responsibility, whilst the latter is a matter of appropriate strategy, agreed by both the elders meeting and church meeting. Whilst it is the responsibility of the elders meeting to ensure that accountable pastoral care takes place ,and that each member of the congregation has a defined access to a serving elder, this does not necessarily mean that serving elders and the minister(s) are the only ones who exercise that care. Churches have become increasingly aware for the need of a wide range of gifts to be shared in the elders meeting in order to best represent the interests and needs of the local church. This will mean that some elders will be better suited to pastoral care and visiting whilst some will have their gifts lying elsewhere. However by accepting the role of elder all of an eldership will be involved in the offering of pastoral care and will benefit from taking time to ensure pastoral skills and good practice are a natural part of the elders relationship to the church and its members and adherent’s. Good practice will ensure that we offer pastoral care in appropriate ways to children and young people and vulnerable adults and that the care we offer is the best that it can be.
- #8 Use the “Blob picture” as a discussion point for Elders to share in small groups (2-3) how they feel about and relate to Pastoral Care in their church. If possible write main points on a flipchart to see how many feel similarly .... What can be done to alleviate anxiety about this important aspect of Eldership?
- #9 Talk through the Overhead asking for comments and questions. Say that this is probably not a comprehensive list. Ask participants to add any other points they may wish to make. To have an overview & give consideration to the needs of the whole Church and individuals. To make sure that an effective system of pastoral care is put in place. To take responsibility for the outworking of the system (not necessarily being the ones carrying out the care directly). To make sure that individuals and/or groups do not fall through the net. To check and evaluate that things are being done well. To support the work that is happening and those doing the work. To make sure that communication works well, so that the needs of people are not missed and that people feel affirmed. To discuss matters of policy which affect pastoral care e.g. What do we mean by confidentiality? What have we got to do about child protection? To pray for those in pastoral need and for those who do the caring. To be aware of agencies for referral eg Social Services, Counselling, Medical Centres, Citizens Advice Bureaux.
- #10 Ask the Elders to gather in 2s or 3s to read through the text and share some insights of how Jesus interacted with the man ... .... Pay attention to who said what and how the other responded .... Tease out ideas and note them on a flipchart In particular draw their attention to how Jesus demonstrates his compassion ... Jesus sees the man & knows his condition Jesus deals with the problem .... not the circumstances Jesus does some follow-up Ask to what degree this could serve as a model for how Elders could interact with members of the congregation. How does this story reinforce or change the way that as Elders and a church we offer pastoral care? What are our expectations when we offer pastoral care? Do we see it as life changing and missional both for the visitor and those being visited?
- #11 Caring is first & foremost an ATTITUDE – and it is a task of the WHOLE church. God's plan is that we should all be part of the solution and not just part of the human need. So we exercise pastoral care as part of God’s plan – refer to Saint Theresa’a prayer about us being the hands of Christ; us being the feet of Christ, etc. Elders and pastoral visitors are, therefore, not poor substitutes for a busy minister, but people whom God has called in their own right to share in the responsibility for shepherding the flock. God has made some very wonderful promises to His people through the ages. As you go visiting you do so in the knowledge that these promises this power - this strength is yours. Think about the men in the New Testament who seemed unsuited for important roles in God's plan for the redemption of the world. Jesus chose fisherman, tax-gatherers and the like to make up his closest followers - no one with special skills for this particular job. This is not our present-day method of assessing greatness, and yet our Lord entrusted these men with the most important job in the world. Their strength lay in their dependence on the All-Sufficiency of God. That's the only starting point for any of us. Aspects of caring by Elders: Taking care of yourself – if you don’t then you won’t be of help to others (almost like on an airplane where in the case of oxygen masks being deployed we are asked to first ensure our own is fitted before assisting others with their masks). MORE ABOUT THIS ON THE NEXT SLIDE Caring for each other as Elders – Elders need to operate as a team and one of the most important aspects of team work is mutual support (and care) Developing a ‘Pastoral Strategy’ for the church – remember the work of the elders is to ensure pastoral care is undertaken and not necessarily for it all to be done by the Elders. This implies a strategy or plan of sorts to make sure pastoral care is operating within the congregation. MORE ABOUT PASTORAL STRATEGY AND MODELS LATER Caring is both ‘reflective listening’ AND responding. One of the most important aspects of being a pastoral carer is to be able to truly hear what somebody is saying to you and to be able to hear without bringing your own agenda in to play in how you respond. Do not monopolize the conversation, a great help in visiting is to ask relevant questions. Not too many, one after the other, a few. Use questions which help the person talk about themselves and their situation.
- #13 What is Communication? Communication is when two or more people share information. We might be sharing our feelings or ideas. Or, we might be trying to understand someone else’s ideas or feelings. We could also be questioning something, giving information, or warning people about something. Communication comes in many forms. It can be positive or negative and verbal or non- verbal. You can be positive verbally or non- verbally, or you can be negative verbally or non-verbally. Get folk to name the various ways we communicate ... How we communicate. 7 % of communication is done with words 20% of communication is done through our tone of voice 23% of communication is our facial expressions 50% of communication is through our body language or posture Verbal Communication The most common way that we communicate is through words. But other ways we verbally communicate include: • Sighing • Laughing • Screaming • Crying • Tone of voice Can folk think of two more ways that people verbally communicate? It’s important to understand how using your voice or sound can carry your message. For example, when someone raises their voice while speaking you may think they’re angry or excited. By changing just the tone of your voice or the way you stress certain words you could say one thing but represent it in a totally different way. Non-Verbal Communication Just because we know how to talk doesn’t necessarily make us good communicators automatically. People can express all kinds of information by the way they communicate without using words. Here are just some of the ways we can communicate non-verbally: • The way we dress • Waving, hand gestures • Winking • Interrupting • Turning red • Posture-slouching, sitting or standing straight • Fidgeting-picking nails, playing with hair • Smiling Can folk think of other non-verbal signs to add to the list? The next time you’re with some people, watch what they are doing. Look for non-verbal messages that are getting communicated to someone else. Pay attention to how they are standing or sitting? Do they look interested or bored by the conversation? How do you know this? They might be bored if they are staring off into space or looking away from the person who is speaking. But, could they also be shy or uncomfortable in a group or maybe preoccupied and nervous about an upcoming test? What are all the messages they could be communicating without words?
- #14 LEVELS OF COMMUNICATION Every minute that you spend with someone you are communicating. Even though we think that it is easy to talk and communicate, it’s actually very complicated. Have you ever had someone just not “get it” when you were talking to them? And, you were not sure why they are having such a hard time because it seems so clear to you. Or, have you ever had someone get really mad about something you said but you didn’t think what you said was mean or hurtful? Sometimes the problem is that your message is not being received or understood by another person in the way that you had intended it to be. At other times it might be that the other person is not listening. A misunderstanding can happen when people are not communicating well. Because Pastoral Care is about how we relate we should look at how we communicate with others: In a good book about communication, Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? (Argus Communications, 1969), John Powell talks about the five levels of communication: The first level–cliché conversation: The following little catchphrases are examples of cliché conversation: "Hello. How are you?" "Good to see you." "I’m fine. How are you?" "You're looking well" (we usually reserve this one for older people who really don't look very well.) • The second level–reporting facts about others: These are the words and conversations that are designed to keep us separated and removed from people. We talk about others but avoid getting ourselves in the middle of the conversation in any kind of personal way. This is still relatively ‘safe ground’. • The third level–ideas and judgments: We are finally beginning to tell someone about our ideas, thoughts and judgments. This is ‘risky ground’, and if we meet with disapproval we sometimes will modify our thoughts and judgments more to the other person's liking. We appear to back off and take a more palatable stance on an issue or one that might be designed to seek the approval of the other person. We try to stay out of the way of criticism at all cost. • The fourth level–feelings and emotions: We begin to share the feelings that are underneath the ideas and judgments expressed. We are sharing our very ‘essence’ when we allow others to know our heart which is a risky business. Actions and words tend to be part of this level so that there is a ‘demonstration’ of the sentiments being expressed. • The fifth level–complete emotional and personal truthfulness in communication: Aspired to as the requirement for ‘full’ communication in a marriage or ‘committed relationship’. We must develop an openness and honesty within our relationship that says, "I can tell you how I really feel without you judging that feeling." This level of communication is very difficult because of the possibility of our being rejected. Communication is a difficult concept for us to master. Most of us stay at a superficial level. And yet, if we don't make an attempt to deal with the important things in life and in relationships on a strong, intimate communicative basis, then those we try to relate to are not going to share themselves openly with us.
- #15 Blocks to Communication Get folk to suggest some blocks that they are aware of....(they could be listed on a flipchart) then show the list and mention others below if they have not been mentioned in the group: • Blaming others for your problems • Lying or not disclosing the truth • Stereotyping • Complaining • Judging others, being critical • Gossiping • Being bossy or aggressive • Saying “yes” when you want to say “no” • Being unaware of your verbal and non-verbal communication • Being a poor listener
- #16 Listening means hearing words, but also involves picking up what is beneath the words. Ask folk to reflect on a time when somebody listened to them. How did they achieve that? How did it make you feel? Now think about a time when someone did not listen to you? What were the signs of poor listening? How did that make you feel? So what are we listening to? Their words The words & phrases people use will often say more than they realise. This is true when struggling to put things into words and can come out in three ways:- inner conflict — the person is trying to come to terms with what seems like impossible choices: ‘I suppose I ought to....', 'I keep telling myself....' avoidance — the person is not coping with difficult feelings, so they talk in general or intellectual terms, or 'forget' to avoid the pain of remembering. 'people get upset when....', I can't remember …. poor self-image — `I'm only...', It doesn't matter about me..'. Their tone of voice Will give you a clue to their inner state. A depressed person will often sound monotonous, a yawn tells you something! Anxiety may come out as a high pitched voice, with words jumpy & rapid. Silences There are different kinds of silence which can mean different things. Silence of despair Sullen silence, refusing to speak Reflective thoughtful silence Stunned silence, no words can express feelings Mid-sentence silence, groping for words Silence that holds back tears Retreat into oneself We need to learn to interpret silence. We also need to respect it & not fill!! Thoughts & themes Also behind their words will be assumptions; their ways of thinking of themselves & the world. By reflecting back those ideas, like a talking mirror, we give people the opportunity to re-evaluate. Listen for themes in what is said to, so you can feed those back too. Emotions Words are important, but people express themselves in other ways to. E.g. Body language Summary These skills can be practised until we carry them out without direct thought. And most of all, listening is about what we don't say, rather than what we do say.
- #17 Guidelines for listening Enable and encourage the SPEAKER to share and work on what she/he is sharing, by LISTENING to the words and the pauses between them; thoughts, attitudes and feelings behind the words; tone of voice; non-verbal communication. COMMUNICATING that you are listening, using few words but relying more on your "body language", especially your facial expression and the way you use your eyes. Your body ought to be relaxed but ready to respond. RESPONDING in an accepting, non-judgmental, caring way. ASKING questions about anything you do not understand. REFLECTING back to the speaker, the content of what she/he has shared and the feelings communicated. SUMMARISING every so often, so that the main strands of what is being shared are kept in front of the listener and the speaker. CHECKING OUT from time to time that the message you heard was what was communicated and that the picture in your head is similar to the picture in the speaker's head.
- #18 Pastoral Care and Discipleship The modern world is awash with thoughts and ideas about personal wellbeing and spirituality. This comes from a widely held fascination with spirituality. We find all manner of spiritual issues discussed in magazines and celebrities speaking about the ways in which they are searching for inner peace and well-being. Recent surveys have shown that people of faith are generally happier, more contented and live longer. Alongside of this the big questions of life still remain. Why am I here? What is the meaning of life? Where is God in pain and suffering and how should we treat each other and our planet to lessen climate change? As pastoral care is offered and trust and friendship grow these questions can often come into a conversation. The elder has now moved into the area of having a faith and discipleship discussion, which may either inspire or fill the elder with dread. What follows is a case study and a bible study to help your eldership think further about responding to questions around discipleship To help - a case study (Make copies and allow folk in small groups to discuss the following) “A young divorcee in our church often talks with me about her life story and about the many sad and in some cases tragic events that have happened in her life to date. Her faith is strong despite life being difficult, both financially and in working long hours and with two children to care and provide for. She has a very limited social life. She has many questions to ask when I visit about big issues such as why does God let bad things happen to good people? and why is life not fair?” To discuss As a visitor how comfortable do you feel about discussing matters of faith, God and discipleship? What would you feel you were offering in this situation and what would you expect to receive from the encounter? As a result of this discussion are there particular elders who you would see as being particularly gifted to listen and discuss faith matters? If not do you need to have other people you can call upon?
- #19 Some Practical help for pastoral visitors It is important to remember that a helpful visit and conversation does not depend on theological qualifications, or even being very articulate, indeed sometimes silence is what is needed. What matters is “being there” for the other person as a fellow seeker after truth and meaning. Folk may find the following advice helpful: Ask “may I come” and do not outstay your welcome. State clearly that the visits are on behalf of the church Work out with the person how regular the visits will be (do not take on more than you can manage) Be prepared to receive – even a cup of tea is a gift If you say you will do something, make sure you DO it Keep things in confidence unless you have permission to share the information If somebody has a criticism encourage them to speak for themselves rather than through you
- #20 More suggestions.... Phone calls or a note through the door can be a substitute for a visit, but not all the time For those who find the opening conversations difficult taking the church flowers or magazine can offer a good opening When appropriate an elder can invite people to come to their home If you feel the conversations are moving into areas you feel uncomfortable with or beyond your understanding say so … always ensure you share this with the pastoral leader/minister and have matters passed on to those with expertise in the areas needed. Synod’s offer training and information on Safeguarding. It is important to protect both visitors and those visited so make sure you have seen the information pack when setting up pastoral care systems. Remember that you are a church visitor not a social worker or state carer. Do not start offering levels of support that are not sustainable. If possible help the person to access the support they need
- #21 SOME PRACTICAL ADVICE & GUIDELINES ON VISITING Keep a notebook. Keep records of each household: names, relationships, occupations, interests, skills church involvement (past and present) special events: birthdays, anniversaries, deaths dates you have visited matters for referral: e.g. minister, home group leader Take enough time, but not too much The main thing about visiting is the need to keep in close contact with our members. Timing -> about 20-30 minutes. Consider your objectives for each visit Try to let your visits focus on different issues — the family situation, the life of the congregation, or wider, local or world issues. If you have no aim every visit will tend to be the same. Have an aim for each visit e.g. topic of conversation Remember your calling, “office” and responsibility is a spiritual one Make an effort to raise the spirituality of the congregation ADDITIONALLY BEAR THE FOLLOWING IN MIND: Respond to personal events We expect members to respond to church events, such as Communion, special occasions or the Christmas Fair. Similarly respond to the events in their life, such as graduation, a 90th birthday, new babies, illness, promotion, youth awards and so on. These mean a lot to people, and we do not always notice. Take Care of Church Workers Office-bearers and leaders are important people who can be taken for granted. It is worth making a special effort to keep in touch with our active and committed members. Spot Talent It is for you to seek out the gifts needed for the nurture of the church, and there is a place for everyone.
- #22 THE TYPES OF VISITING: CONTACT VISITING. The routine call underlies all types of pastoral care. The Elder or Visitor, if he or she is to be in a position to help during times of trouble, must also be a friend and confidant during the times when no apparent spiritual or physical needs are evident. ADVANCE PREPARATION: DO pray for yourself and those you visit. DON'T rely on your own strength. Only the Holy Spirit can give you the ability you need as you visit. You are simply allowing God to use you. Pray for just that; that God will use you. Pray also for those you will visit, remembering that prayer has opened more hearts and minds and brought more real comfort than we can ever hope to do by our efforts. We have, however, no right to rely on the Holy Spirit to take the place of careful preparation. It is often helpful to make an appointment for a specific time (and a specific length of time). GETTING INTO THE HOME: DO look friendly and say who you are. DON'T discuss important matters on the doorstep. Expect to be welcomed into the home. Say who you are and that you call on behalf of ........................Church. Have your introductory remarks properly prepared. Having introduced yourself and reminded the member of why you are calling, do not leave it at that. There are four most important words that provide an opening through doors that would otherwise remain closed: `May I come in?' You will soon know then if it is not a convenient time and you can make an appointment for a later date. THE VISIT: DO carefully prepare your lead in, DON'T apologize for taking up the person's time. The visit is intended to help you build up relationships - your relationship with the person you visit; their relationship to God and the Church. You are there for important reasons. Do not begin by apologizing for taking up time. Be prepared to begin the discussion with a few comments or questions to set the person at ease Eliminate distractions where they can be avoided. e.g. If the TV is on ask whether they would mind turning it off for a short while, or if it is their favourite programme watch them then have it turned off. Do not spend the whole time talking about irrelevancies. Be prepared to move on into a discussion of the church and then further (more importantly) to talk about the person's relationship with Christ and for any need they may have. This kind of depth will obviously not be reached right away. Depth of sharing takes time. You will need to build the relationship to a point of trust where these personal things can more easily be discussed. CONCLUDING THE VISIT. DO offer to pray with the family. DON'T overstay your welcome. Some people find this most difficult. Perhaps the best advice is to have one or two carefully rehearsed exit lines - thanking them for their welcome - saying that you will look out for them on Sunday. Length of visits will vary, but the average should probably be about half an hour. This allows enough time for an unhurried discussion but protects against overstaying your welcome. To pray or not to pray; usually it is a good thing to pray very briefly before you leave - if you feel free to do so. Don't be afraid of rejection - that is seldom the reaction. Pray briefly, confidently, to the point, naturally, in ordinary language. If you are embarrassed the other person will also be embarrassed. Remember you represent the King of Kings - take courage, be confident. Do not ramble as you pray. Beware of the last minute "bombshell". e.g. Where the person being visited suddenly, at this stage comes up with something of major concern. Weigh up the situation, but, if possible do not be drawn into a renewed lengthy discussion. Rather, offer to make another appointment to discuss the concern more fully. Offer your support. This will give you time to review your own position so that you will be ready to help with the new issue.
- #23 SPECIAL VISITS (i)The Prospective Member People join the church mainly because of personal interest shown in them by existing members. Keep visiting but take care not to make a nuisance of yourself. (ii) The Sick Illness brings a sense of isolation. You, as a visitor will symbolize the concern of the Church and the love of God for the sufferer. Some suggestions. Find out when it will be convenient to call. On entering the sickroom try to be neutral in mood quietly cheerful, but neither 'hearty' nor over sad. Speak in a natural tone of voice. Shake hands only if the sick person puts out his hand to you. More than two people is a crowd. Enquire how things are going but do not ask what the diagnosis is. The patient may tell you. If the conversation lags or the patient becomes restless in the least, prepare to leave. When you are ready to leave, stand up, express your best wishes and go. (iii) The Shut-in. This is the person whose physical activity is limited to a bed, a wheelchair, a room, or a house. The problem of such a person is very often an emotional one. This requires: Accepting the handicap emotionally, and then, Putting effort into the compensation. One of the worstthings that can happen to any person is to be overprotected through compassion, pity and fear. (iv) The Senior Citizen. Problems may be economic, health, housing, boredom or loneliness, or a combination of these. The person often needs three things from the Church: Group contacts with people of his age and temperament. Hope, that is the heart of religion renewed through worship services. Regular contact with someone who comes from the Church and with whom he can develop a relationship. Is the sacrament of Holy Communion taken to those who are unable to leave their home? And is there regular contact such that these old people will recover a sense of usefulness and of being wanted? (v) The Alcoholic. The difference between problem drinkers and alcoholics is one of degree. People drink to excess often for two main reasons: They are discouraged and depressed. They need the effects of alcohol to face life. People suffering from alcoholism need understanding, encouragement and patience. (vi) The Dying. Dying if often a slow and tedious experience, characterized in its early stages by discomfort and pain, and, often, by anxiety. As death comes closer, the suffering person is often irrational and sleeps a great deal of the time. If you have built up a good relationship you will be welcome in the room of a dying person, not to say or to do very much but to sit quietly by, so that when the patient opens his eyes he finds someone is there. Also he will gain comfort from knowing that someone is with his loved ones. The ability to size up the needs of the anxious family and make plans with other friends on their behalf will be of great help in this most trying of human situations. (vii) The Bereaved. Most people believe that God decides when each one will die. When death comes it is natural to ask 'Why?' and to feel strongly resentful towards God. Allow the suffering person to get such feelings of resentment out into the open. Do not be shocked by these reactions; they are perfectly natural. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DEFEND GOD!! The average grieving person should have from six to twelve hours of someone's time. The early calls should normally be made by the minister; carry on from there.
- #24 Use the heading to get folk to think of models that can be used to ensure adequate Pastoral Care is offered by the church. Consider: Who will undertake it The regularity of visits The form the visits could take—one-one; Elder and A N Other; in groups; etc. The best place for visits to occur The best “medium” to use and when—telephone; visiting cards; email and/or letters etc.