The document discusses patterns that can develop in relationships when offenses occur between two people, referred to as X and Y. It describes how Y may react by keeping silent to maintain peace, growing bitter towards X, or attacking and accusing X. Alternatively, Y can practice debt cancellation by remembering their own faults, forgiving X as they have been forgiven, and lovingly confronting X, which may lead to X admitting wrongdoing or refusing to confess. The document advocates for forgiveness over anger and outlines insights about anger, forgiveness, and exercises for reducing grudges through gratitude.

1. Debt Cancellation in Marriage

2. Pattern of Debt Accumulation
X commits offense against Y
(based on "What Did You Expect?" by Paul David Tripp, chapter 6)

3. Pattern of Debt Accumulation
X commits offense against Y
Y remembers Y remembers
past hurts X's past wrongs
Y keeps silent to keep peace Y attacks and accuses X
(based on "What Did You Expect?" by Paul David Tripp, chapter 6)

4. Pattern of Debt Accumulation
X commits offense against Y
Y remembers Y remembers
past hurts X's past wrongs
Y keeps silent to keep peace Y attacks and accuses X
Y grows more bitter toward X
(based on "What Did You Expect?" by Paul David Tripp, chapter 6)

5. Pattern of Debt Accumulation
X commits offense against Y
Y remembers Y remembers
past hurts X's past wrongs
Y keeps silent to keep peace Y attacks and accuses X
Y grows more bitter toward X
Y mentally compiles a list of X's wrongdoings
(based on "What Did You Expect?" by Paul David Tripp, chapter 6)

6. Pattern of Debt Accumulation
X commits offense against Y
Y remembers Y remembers
past hurts X's past wrongs
Y keeps silent to keep peace Y attacks and accuses X
Y's sense of self Y's sense of self
affected by affected by
X's reactions X's reactions
Y grows more bitter toward X
Y mentally compiles a list of X's wrongdoings
(based on "What Did You Expect?" by Paul David Tripp, chapter 6)

7. Pattern of Debt Accumulation
X commits offense against Y
Y remembers Y remembers
past hurts X's past wrongs
Y keeps silent to keep peace Y attacks and accuses X
Y's sense of self Y's sense of self
affected by affected by
X's reactions X's reactions
Y grows more bitter toward X
Y mentally compiles a list of X's wrongdoings
Y is overwhelmed by all this and needs to find escape
(based on "What Did You Expect?" by Paul David Tripp, chapter 6)

8. Pattern of Debt Cancellation
X commits offense against Y
(based on "What Did You Expect?" by Paul David Tripp, chapter 6)

9. Pattern of Debt Cancellation
X commits offense against Y
Y remembers Y's own wrongs
and how Y was forgiven
by God
Y gives the offense to God
(based on "What Did You Expect?" by Paul David Tripp, chapter 6)

10. Pattern of Debt Cancellation
X commits offense against Y
Y remembers Y's own wrongs
and how Y was forgiven
by God
Y gives the offense to God
Y decides to forgive X, and lovingly confronts X
(based on "What Did You Expect?" by Paul David Tripp, chapter 6)

11. Pattern of Debt Cancellation
X commits offense against Y
Y remembers Y's own wrongs
and how Y was forgiven
by God
Y gives the offense to God
Y decides to forgive X, and lovingly confronts X
X confesses/admits the wrong
(based on "What Did You Expect?" by Paul David Tripp, chapter 6)

12. Pattern of Debt Cancellation
X commits offense against Y
Y remembers Y's own wrongs
and how Y was forgiven
by God
Y gives the offense to God
Y decides to forgive X, and lovingly confronts X
X confesses/admits the wrong X refuses to confess
(based on "What Did You Expect?" by Paul David Tripp, chapter 6)

13. Pattern of Debt Cancellation
X commits offense against Y
Y remembers Y's own wrongs
and how Y was forgiven
by God and by X
Y gives the offense to God
Y's sense of self Y's sense of self
defined by defined by
God's actions Y decides to forgive X, and lovingly confronts X God's actions
X confesses/admits the wrong X refuses to confess
(based on "What Did You Expect?" by Paul David Tripp, chapter 6)

14. Anger vs. Forgiveness
• Ephesians 4:31-32:
31
32

15. Anger vs. Forgiveness
• Ephesians 4:31-32:
31
32
31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor
and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.
32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each
other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

16. Insights about Anger
• Anger, as a feeling, is always valid. But it may not be
justified (e.g. anger caused by misunderstanding).
• Anger, as a motivation for behavior, is seldom valid.
• Anger is like a boomerang: if you throw it out to hurt
someone, it will come back to hurt you.
• No matter how horrible things are, always greet your
spouse with a smile.
• Anger can be unlearned as a conditioned response.
(based on Fuller Seminary CN705 class notes: http://readingreport.blogspot.com/2011/01/insights-from-day-5-at-cn705.html )

17. Insights about Forgiveness
• "Forgiveness is surrendering my right to hurt you back." - Bishop
Tutu, South Africa
• Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Forgiveness is not a feeling.
Forgiveness is a personal ethical decision that does not require
the other person's confession or apology as a condition.
• God has forgiven us before we confess our sins. Confession is a
requirement for reconciliation, not forgiveness.
• Don't tell the other person you have forgiven him/her unless they
ask for it. Instead, you can write a "forgiveness letter" to yourself.
• When you truly forgive, you have to let go of the grudges that you
might continue to feel (over the course of time), and the hurt will
assume less importance in your life.
(based on Fuller Seminary CN705 class notes: http://readingreport.blogspot.com/2011/01/insights-from-day-5-at-cn705.html )

18. Debt Reduction Exercise
1. On a piece of paper, draw a circle in the center. Inside of the circle,
write a few words capturing the essence of your grudge.
2. Fill the rest of the page with 10 to 15 circles.
3. In each circle, write a word or phrase describing something about
the person for which you are grateful.
4. Hold the piece of paper at arm's length. Reflect on how the grudge
gets lost in a sea of gratitude.
5. Reflect on whether your feeling toward the other person has
changed, even just a little? Does the inflow of gratitude dilute your
anger and weakened your grudge? Has your perspective
broadened?
6. Destroy the piece of paper (or file it in a confidential place).
(based on Dr. Karen Reivich's positive psychology exercise mentioned in "Thrilled To Death" by Archibald D. Hart)