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Are kangaroos the spawn of the devil?
Russell Grenning
Maybe itis abouttime we all had a goodlongthinkaboutkangaroos.
Almostsince DayOne of EuropeancontactwithAustralia – CaptainCooktooka specimenbackto
the UK withhimin1771 - the kangaroohas been,touse that trendyword “embedded”,inour
popularculture.
Beginningwiththe NationalCoatof Arms,the kangaroois featuredasa logo,emblemormascotfor
everythingfromQantas,the RAAF,coinsandsportingteamsandhasbeenfeaturedinsongs,poems,
architecture andart.
There are aboutfortymillionkangaroosinAustraliaandwhile Caucasianshave beenobservingthem
for more than twocenturiesandAboriginalsforaboutfortythousandyears,itisonlyrecentlythat
the discoveryhasbeenmade thattheyare left-handed–well,left-pawedanyhow.
Talk aboutdiscoveringwhatshouldhave beenthe blindingbloodyobviousand,to addinsultto
injury,thisdiscoverywasmade bya bloodyRussian –Associate ProfessorYegorMalashichev,a
zoologistatSaintPetersburgState University.
I wouldhave thoughtthatMother Russiahadmore thanenoughto provide richfieldsof studyfor
zoologistsbut,noitseems.ProfessorMalashichevandhisteamcame all the wayto Tasmaniato
have whathas obviouslybeenamuchcloserlookatour national iconthan anybodyelse wholives
here everbotheredtohave.
“Handedness” isthe term usedtodescribe apopulation-wide trendinwhichthe majorityof
individualspreferone handoverthe otherformosttasks. While abouttenpercentof humansare
left-handed, itwasthoughtsuch “handedness”–withthe huge majoritybeingright-handed- was
unique tohumans.
“What wesee in kangaroosisthesamestrength of handednessweseein humansbutthedirection
of this handednessisoppositeto humans.They usetheir left forelimb to wipe their snout,orcollect
food and so on,”the good professorexplained.
ProfessorMalashichevbelieves –andwhocan denyhim? – that since ourbipedal marsupialsstand
on twofeetlike we do,thiscouldexplainwhytheyhave developed “truehandedness.”
Nowthat the scaleshave beenliftedfromoureyesaboutthe goodoldkanga,we can now only
begintoappreciate whatcunningandsubversive animalstheyare.Frankly,we have beenseduced
intothinkingthattheyare nice whenthe exactopposite istrue.
Bible scholarswill tell youthatthose whoare left-handedare tobe avoidedbyall right-thinking(and
righteverythingelse) Christians. Justthinkof the parable of the sheepandthe goats – the sheepare
on Christ’srighthandand the goats onthe leftanditis the sheepthatinheritthe Kingdomof God
while those onthe leftdepartintoeverlastingfire. Nodoubt,the kangasgoto hell also.
It wouldnotsurprise me if itwas revealedthatthisRussianmeddlingwithourkangaroopopulation
isa directresultof theiron-again,off-againandbackon-againbanonkangaroo meatimports –
imposedbytheirPresidentPutininretaliationoverbansimposedbecause of Moscow’ssupportof
rebelsinUkraine.Before thisban,the trade wasworth$120 millionayearto Australia.
OnlylastSeptember,aBrisbane meat processingcompanytoldthe Kremlintohopoff withits
kangaroomeat bans.Theyjustweren’tworththe trouble,the ficklebastards.
The devil isleft-handedandevilspiritslurkoverthe leftshoulderwhichisprovenbythe factthat
careful folkthrow spilledsaltovertheirleftshoulderstowardthemoff and itis the righthand that
givesthe blessingandmakesthe signof the cross.
I can do no betterthanquote Psalm118 verses15 and 16: “The righthand of the Lord doeth
valiantly,the righthand of the lord is exalted.”If it’sgood enoughforthe Lord, thenitis good
enoughforme.In any case,I have enoughtoworry aboutwhenI getto the PearlyGatesthan being
left-handed.
I’mno conspiracytheoristbutconsiderthis:There have beeneightleft-handedAmericanPresidents.
The country got alongjustfine with19 right-handedleadersuntilJamesGarfieldcame alongin1881
and thisfirstleft-handedPresidentservedonlysix monthsbeforesuccumbingtoan assassin’sbullet.
The forcesof darknesshave consolidatedtheirgriponWashingtonwithfive outthe lastseven
presidentsleft-handed–GeraldFord,RonaldRegan,George H W Bush, Bill ClintonandBarack
Obama.To his credit,Reaganwhowasborn left-handedvaliantlyfoughtthe devil andlearnedto
write right-handed.
Andalsothinkof this – EnglanddefeatedAustraliainthe 5th
testin1902 at The Oval by one wicket
and the match endedon13 August.Significantly –andthiscouldnot be a coincidence –
International Left-HandedDayis,yes,August13 justto rub that defeatinourfaces.
It’snot too late to wake upto the enemywithin –yes,thatagent of evil,the kangaroo.

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Are kangaroos the spawn of the devil

  • 1. Are kangaroos the spawn of the devil? Russell Grenning Maybe itis abouttime we all had a goodlongthinkaboutkangaroos. Almostsince DayOne of EuropeancontactwithAustralia – CaptainCooktooka specimenbackto the UK withhimin1771 - the kangaroohas been,touse that trendyword “embedded”,inour popularculture. Beginningwiththe NationalCoatof Arms,the kangaroois featuredasa logo,emblemormascotfor everythingfromQantas,the RAAF,coinsandsportingteamsandhasbeenfeaturedinsongs,poems, architecture andart. There are aboutfortymillionkangaroosinAustraliaandwhile Caucasianshave beenobservingthem for more than twocenturiesandAboriginalsforaboutfortythousandyears,itisonlyrecentlythat the discoveryhasbeenmade thattheyare left-handed–well,left-pawedanyhow. Talk aboutdiscoveringwhatshouldhave beenthe blindingbloodyobviousand,to addinsultto injury,thisdiscoverywasmade bya bloodyRussian –Associate ProfessorYegorMalashichev,a zoologistatSaintPetersburgState University. I wouldhave thoughtthatMother Russiahadmore thanenoughto provide richfieldsof studyfor zoologistsbut,noitseems.ProfessorMalashichevandhisteamcame all the wayto Tasmaniato have whathas obviouslybeenamuchcloserlookatour national iconthan anybodyelse wholives here everbotheredtohave. “Handedness” isthe term usedtodescribe apopulation-wide trendinwhichthe majorityof individualspreferone handoverthe otherformosttasks. While abouttenpercentof humansare left-handed, itwasthoughtsuch “handedness”–withthe huge majoritybeingright-handed- was unique tohumans. “What wesee in kangaroosisthesamestrength of handednessweseein humansbutthedirection of this handednessisoppositeto humans.They usetheir left forelimb to wipe their snout,orcollect food and so on,”the good professorexplained. ProfessorMalashichevbelieves –andwhocan denyhim? – that since ourbipedal marsupialsstand on twofeetlike we do,thiscouldexplainwhytheyhave developed “truehandedness.” Nowthat the scaleshave beenliftedfromoureyesaboutthe goodoldkanga,we can now only begintoappreciate whatcunningandsubversive animalstheyare.Frankly,we have beenseduced intothinkingthattheyare nice whenthe exactopposite istrue. Bible scholarswill tell youthatthose whoare left-handedare tobe avoidedbyall right-thinking(and righteverythingelse) Christians. Justthinkof the parable of the sheepandthe goats – the sheepare on Christ’srighthandand the goats onthe leftanditis the sheepthatinheritthe Kingdomof God while those onthe leftdepartintoeverlastingfire. Nodoubt,the kangasgoto hell also.
  • 2. It wouldnotsurprise me if itwas revealedthatthisRussianmeddlingwithourkangaroopopulation isa directresultof theiron-again,off-againandbackon-againbanonkangaroo meatimports – imposedbytheirPresidentPutininretaliationoverbansimposedbecause of Moscow’ssupportof rebelsinUkraine.Before thisban,the trade wasworth$120 millionayearto Australia. OnlylastSeptember,aBrisbane meat processingcompanytoldthe Kremlintohopoff withits kangaroomeat bans.Theyjustweren’tworththe trouble,the ficklebastards. The devil isleft-handedandevilspiritslurkoverthe leftshoulderwhichisprovenbythe factthat careful folkthrow spilledsaltovertheirleftshoulderstowardthemoff and itis the righthand that givesthe blessingandmakesthe signof the cross. I can do no betterthanquote Psalm118 verses15 and 16: “The righthand of the Lord doeth valiantly,the righthand of the lord is exalted.”If it’sgood enoughforthe Lord, thenitis good enoughforme.In any case,I have enoughtoworry aboutwhenI getto the PearlyGatesthan being left-handed. I’mno conspiracytheoristbutconsiderthis:There have beeneightleft-handedAmericanPresidents. The country got alongjustfine with19 right-handedleadersuntilJamesGarfieldcame alongin1881 and thisfirstleft-handedPresidentservedonlysix monthsbeforesuccumbingtoan assassin’sbullet. The forcesof darknesshave consolidatedtheirgriponWashingtonwithfive outthe lastseven presidentsleft-handed–GeraldFord,RonaldRegan,George H W Bush, Bill ClintonandBarack Obama.To his credit,Reaganwhowasborn left-handedvaliantlyfoughtthe devil andlearnedto write right-handed. Andalsothinkof this – EnglanddefeatedAustraliainthe 5th testin1902 at The Oval by one wicket and the match endedon13 August.Significantly –andthiscouldnot be a coincidence – International Left-HandedDayis,yes,August13 justto rub that defeatinourfaces. It’snot too late to wake upto the enemywithin –yes,thatagent of evil,the kangaroo.