A short comedy script featured on the Six-Page Scripts podcast.

1. ALCOHOLICS AND

2. INT. FEDEX WAREHOUSE - LOADING BAY - EVENING
SAM (50’s), sporting a 5 o’clock shadow and bags under his
eyes, scans a package on a conveyer belt and pushes it along.
WAREHOUSE WORKER #1 (20’s) in the background takes a box from
the conveyer belt and squares his body and PUNTS it into the
back of a truck.
Sam turns to repeat the process but there is no parcel on the
conveyer belt yet.
He looks up at digital clock on the warehouse wall. It’s 6:12
P.M. He looks annoyed...
SAM
Let’s go, DeSean. Let’s finish up.
I have my meetings on Wednesdays.
DeSEAN (early 20’s) struggles with a heavy box and PLOPS it
down on the conveyer belt.
DESEAN
(annoyed)
I’m going as fast as I can.
(then)
What kind of meeting?
SAM
Alcoholics And.
Desean waits for him to finish his sentence. A beat.
DESEAN
And...what?
SAM
No, just...Alcoholics And.
DeSean looks perplexed.
DESEAN
I thought the second “A” was for
anonymous.
SAM
(smug chuckle)
Oh thats AA. Completely Different
group.
(then, gesturing)
Our logo is a lowercase “A” and an
ampersand.
DeSean looks skeptical and nods slowly.

3. (MORE)
2.
DESEAN
What makes Alcoholics And
different?
Sam scoffs, and scans a package and pushes it along.
SAM
Well, we don’t meet in Church
basements like societal Lepers. We
meet out in the open just like
everybody else.
DESEAN
That’s cool. You get to work on
your sobriety while destigmatizing
Alcoholism.
SAM
(rolls eyes)
Brother, temperance is for Prudes.
AA teaches you that you’re
alcoholic and that’s all you’ll
ever be.
(shrugs)
I’m an Alcoholic and a Youth
Minister. And Sometimes I bartend
for my cousin’s Event Planning
company.
Desean gives Sam a look.
DESEAN
Sounds like a lot emphasis on the
and; not so much on the little
“a”.
SAM
After she left I was in a bad
place. I was cooped up in my
childhood bedroom drinking a six
pack everyday...and a fifth of
Jameson every other day.
(then)
Alcoholics And saved my life.
WAREHOUSE WORKER #2 (20’s) nods approvingly to the Imaginary
Catcher. Warehouse Worker #1 is a the plate with a Louisville
Slugger.
DESEAN
Do alcoholics keep track of these
metrics while they are destroying
their lives? Or can you backdate
the logs?
(MORE)
2.

4. DESEAN (CONT'D)
(MORE)
3.
I just like to get fuck up
sometimes...I don’t want to keep
score.
The Pitcher wind ups. A small box with an Amazon logo is
hurled towards the Batter and then KNOCKED into the bak of
the truck.
Bat flip.
SAM
(mockingly)
I just like to get fucked up.
(then)
That’s how it starts. Next thing
you know you’re at a Swinger’s club
watching your soon to be ex-wife go
Airtight.
DeSean stops working and gives Sam a look. Sam notices his
look and schools him.
SAM (CONT'D)
Oh...Double Penetration plus a cock
in the mouth.
DeSean is taken aback.
DESEAN
That’s a big leap.
SAM
It’s a slippery slope.
(then)
First thing you notice is her
dildos get progressively bigger and
blacker.
DeSean is disgusted. Sam is still oblivious.
DESEAN
It’s probably not healthy to
connect your Alcoholism to your ex-
wife’s sexual prowess.
(then, sarcastically)
It’s not like you got blackout
drunk and woke up at an orgy.
SAM
That’s exactly what happened.
Except “orgy” implies I
participated or that there were
other women besides my wife
involved.
DESEAN (CONT'D)
(MORE)
3.

5. SAM (CONT'D)
4.
(beat)
Neither was the case.
DESEAN
(worryingly)
Do you have a sponsor?
SAM
Sponsors are bullshit. It’s just an
acronym.
(beat)
Sober Person Offering Newcomers
Suggestions On Recovery.
DeSean thinks about it and the word math checks out.
SAM (CONT'D)
I have a Wingman.
DESEAN
A Wingman?
(bruh)
Sam, where is your meeting?
SAM
You know McGuire’s Pub on 7th
Avenue?
DESEAN
Yea...
SAM
They have half off Apps from 7 to
8.
DESEAN
Dude, that just Happy Hour.
Warehouse Worker #1 is in full Skeet Shooting attire: Vest,
Goggles, and ear protection. He raises his SHOTGUN...
SAM
Oh, it’s definitely a good time.
(checks clock)
Come on, let’s go!
WAREHOUSE WORKER #1
Pull!
Warehouse Worker #2 pulls a string and another Amazon package
flings through the air...
Warehouse Worker #1 FIRES a shot. Small pieces of the package
float in the air.
SAM (CONT'D)
4.