A broken heart now mended

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A
BROKEN
HEART
NOW
MENDED
BY: LORI JUSTICE
Dedicated to Our Father in Heaven, Jesus Christ and Everyone.

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A BROKEN HEART NOW MENDED BY: LORI JUSTICE
Introduction
In my last book entitled
" They didn't believe her until"
It ended in 2008.
But, I was sick when I wrote it (I GUESS)
so I must back up and finish my story with
this " A broken heart now mended ".

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I ended the book with the truth as I seen it at the time. Did the best I
could do. It was all true; but as far as being one of the two witnesses I
doubt that. I'm merely of the elect and will witness against the anti-Christ
{ Satan} when I am delivered up to testify and the Holy Spirit will speak
through me at that time and I believe it will be very soon. If you read " They
didn't believe her until" you remember Marc that I met in 2002. We dated
till 2004. He ended up being a flirt and had many girlfriends besides me. I
had thought he was the one for me; but no way! In August; I ended up
getting pregnant and when I told him he lied " I am not the father!!! I can't
have kids!!! I have been clipped." He has had kids since. Besides, I found
out from his brother that he was a perfert and fell in love with his own
dauther ;when she was fourteen years old! So thank God he lied to me.
Anyways... we broke up and I moved out. Back to Logan County on the
mountain, off highway 22 on Momma's mountain. My Uncle Melvin gave
me a Revcon Mobil home. I just had to pay 100 for electricity, and took care
of myself.
I knew the name of the baby soon as I took the test. When it was
positive. I wrote down the names, if it was a boy; I would name him Sam. If
a girl, ( A daughter which I have been waiting for since I was eighteen years
old) would be named Sara Michelle Justice.
I was not alone on the mountain. Mom still lived in the small trailer, just a
short walk, from where the Revcon rested. On the mountain. Where she
still after thirty something years, was taking care of my oldest brother
Johnny. He got in a bad wreck and is disabled. She is so strong, the
strongest woman I have ever known. I believe I picked her in heaven to be
my Mom. I love her so much! Every time I hear that song " The most
beautiful girl in the world" I think of her.

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During my pregnancy my Doctor took me off Depakote and put me on
Lamictal one hundred milligrams. And it was working. I think. I don't
know? You can judge that; by what goes on from here. When I went to the
doctor, I found out I was two months pregnant. So every month I would
buy things for my baby. Clothes, blankets, diapers, bassinet, swing, bathtub
etc, etc.
When I was four months along... I was watching my seven inch t.v. that
was my grandmas. Man I miss her. She is in heaven now. Anyways, the
news was on and they were talking about a man molesting a three year old
little girl. I cried to God
" I changed my mind. I don't want a little girl. I am scared!”
To which I heard in my heart
" KAY 'SARA"
Which made me hear this song in my head
KAY Sara! Sara! whatever will be ... will be...
The futures not ours to see...
KAY Sara Sara...!

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Five or six months along, in my pregnancy; my Mom went with me to
the doctor appointment. It was time for the ultrasound, that would more
than likely, let me know the sex of my baby. The Doctor lady put the
slippery stuff on my belly; while Mom stood near. The Doctor did the
ultrasound. After awhile she ask " Do you want to know the sex?"
I said "Yes! " Mom was quiet and listening as we heard together " It's a
girl."
"Are you sure? We usually make boys" Mom said happily. I didn't say a
word. I couldn't speak tears were caught in my throat;and by the sound
in Moms voice hers too.
" Absolutely sure." The Doctor said pointing it out. I was finally gonna
have my daughter thank God ! Now I'll have three sons and a daughter!!!
When we got back to Moms, she called Maggie my sister that lived in
Oklahoma. She told her " It's a girl ! " Maggie had two sons and was elated
when she talked to me. She told me that she would be sending me a box
of baby clothes. I told her thanks. I went back to my Revcon home and
Thanked God for my baby girl. Sara Michelle Justice.
At eight months along; in my pregnancy My youngest son Willy and I
went fishing. My other sons are Andy the oldest . Tommy my
middle son. Willy was now eight years old. He loves fishing a lot. I was the
first to ever buy him a fishing pole when he was five years old. It was a
tweety bird fishing pole. It matched the rambler I gave to Tommy when He
was fourteen. Tommy was now seventeen. In high school and was doing

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mechanic work too. Andy was in college; to be a Professional
Engineer. He was now nineteen. He worked and was putting himself
through college on his own. I'm blessed.
One day when I was visiting Mom, my sister called and as I was talking
to her and thanking her for the clothes she had sent. She said " I can't
believe your having a girl."
She kind of whined " I always wanted a daughter! You can have
more kids I can't!!! I had a hysterectomy when I was only twenty-three it
aint no fair !!! Then believe it or not seriously she said this... And I quote
"Can I have that baby ? You can always have another one!"
To which I replied
" Your crazy!!! I love my baby!!! I will never give her up!!!!!!! "
Needless to say that was the end of that phone conversation. At least
for me. Mom was now talking to her, because I handed her the phone. I
just talked over them talking and said " Bye Johnny and Mom I'm going
home. " And I did; Panda and I headed back to the Revcon. Where we had
a veenie weenie and chip party. Missy(Panda's sister)( Pebbles other baby.)
missed out she wants to live with Mom again. Then I ate a half of can of
pinto beans. Then we took a nap.
Time goes on...

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My Dad helped me buy a car! He paid half down! I paid the payments
every month; till it was mine! I also moved out of the Revcon into a small
cute house that I called " The dollhouse "!!!
So I was about eight and a half months pregnant; and I had it going on!
Tommy came to live with me, in my two bedroom house. He had his own
room. Sara and I had our room. Willy was getting to come see me.
Things ... were getting so good. I went out one evening, onto my front
porch. The sky was so black.. My sisters trailer was right down the road
from my house she had moved back to Arkansas. I couldn't even see her
house it was so dark and it was not even near sunset. I couldn't see the
sun. I looked into the sky and told God " Thank you " for all my blessings.
Just then; the sky opened, where I could see the sun. It was shining a
light, onto my front porch, and all over me. It was beautiful !!!!!!! It only
lasted a moment but it blessed my heart. Then it got really, really dark
again. Later night came. It looked like a storm was coming. Little did I
know then, it was...
I had the house clean and ready to bring Sara home. It was nearing
time. I was on food stamps to help me, cause the rent and my car payment
took most my money. I had signed up for HUD housing where they would
make my rent cheaper. Then I could get off of food stamps I was so broke
that I couldn't afford satellite or cable and when I called to see how much it
would cost me, the man on the phone just about told me off ! When I said "
Never mind I can't afford it right now." He said smartassedly " So your
telling me you have a seventeen year old son living with you and about to
have a baby and you have absolutely no form of entertainment whatsoever?

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" What a jerk is all I have to say; about him. There is more to life than
watching television and playing on the internet. What about living?
One day my sister came to see me. She looked around at my job well
done on the house. She didn't say anything about it. She ask me " Do you
need anything from the store? I'm going, so I can pick up what you need."
So I wrote her a quick list and gave her; it and my food stamp card and
surprised said " Thank you! "
While Maggie was at the store; my Mom came and visited me and Sara to
be. In a little while Maggie came back. Mom and I looked out the window
and she was unloading bags out of her car.
We went out to help carry the bags of food in when Maggie said
" Wait let me separate mine from yours."
She had about four or five brown bags for her and a few for me. She said " I
got me some makings for burritos tonight if you wanna come eat."
I said amazed " Okay thank you."
" I figured you would so I used some of your food stamps I didn't have any
money." Maggie finished which made me mad because I only had enough
for me and Tommy to make it this month. And I thought she was just doing
something nice for me ya thanks.
" Maggie you didn't ask, now what am I gonna do for the rest of the month?
"
" You still have a little left on the card. " Maggie reported.

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I heaved and with my new adrenaline, got my bags and me and Mom carried
them in and Maggie went home.
Well enough to say I didn't join her, for burritos that night. In fact; me
and my sister were never really close. I didn't ever go visit her or call her,
nor she me. The only time we seen each other is when I was at Moms and
she'd show up for a few minutes. I have never known sisters that were so
opposite each other. She is tall I am short, she has brown hair and brown
eyes, I have light hair and blue eyes, in fact so opposite one day long time
ago I said that I was gonna marry Jesus and she told me
" Ha I'm gonna marry Satan."
I do love my sister but we just have never been like sisters should be.
Close.
I was scheduled for a Cesarean section on April 28th 2005. I was now
thirty-eight years old.
I would finally see my Sara and could hold her. I could hardly wait. Finally
the day came and as every time before when I had babies. Maggie wanted
to be the one, in the delivery room ,with me. So she could be the first to see
and hold the babies. I was so ready to see her and hold her and take care
of her for the rest of her life. Sara was coming home!!!!!!!

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At the hospital was Mom and Maggie and Maggie's boyfriend. Maggie
had a camera but the only picture she took of me was my dirty feet at the
end of the hospital bed, the rest was of her holding my Sara.
The picture in my head of her being born was the Doctor who delivered
her picked her up like the lion king baby above the sheet that they had up so
I wouldn't see the operation. She was a living doll. I cried tears of joy when
I seen her. Then they took Sara to the nursery and me to recovery. The
next thing I knew it. I was in my room and their was another young girl who
had just given birth.
I called the nurse to bring in my Sara and they did while I held her I had
many visitors. Andy looked at her and was smiling with tears in his eyes. He
said “ Mom she is beautiful!” His own little sister twenty years younger
than him. He turned twenty on April the first. I was too drugged up to
remember seeing Tommy see her and his response but I do recall him saying
to me " Mom she's beautiful! You done it! You have a daughter finally."
I took pictures of Willy holding her. My cousin Tammy came and gave
me a pink beautiful diaper bag. More appropriate than my Winnie the pooh
bag from when Willy was born. Though it was sentimental to me. For I had
it for nine years and it was in great shape. Thank you Tammy. Dad sent a
giant thing of flowers, to my room. I received many gifts from everyone.
My youngest brother Chris came and was holding Sara and saying " Aww
she's perfect! "

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After all my family had left; I called the nurse, for pain meds. She came
in and it was time, so she gave me a shot. While telling me...
“ I have to take the baby back to the nursery; so you can get some rest.
The next thing I remember;, is another nurse came in and without moving
the sheet back, where she could see that I had a ceaserian. She started
pushing very hard on my stomach and pushing down it hurt so bad that I
was crying and screaming and she said " I'm sorry but we have to do this."
Then she looked over at the other bed which was empty; the girl was out of
the room. Then the nurse looked scared! I think she realized her mistake.
For then she quit pushing and immediately got me some pain meds. I fell
asleep.
Never to see that nurse again. ( I probably should of reported that. )
When I awoke. I was hurting so bad inside! I could feel my stomache
swelling I ask for more pain meds. But they said “ It's too early” so I ask the
young nurse if I could go smoke. She let me. She even gave me a cigarette
cause I had cut way down, while I was pregnant and didn't bring none with
me; she even loaned me her lighter.

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I made it outside barely...Took a drag, to try to help ignore the pain.
It didn't work. I was so lightheaded and dizzy ;that I was about to pass out.
I dropped my cigarette and wobbled; into the hospital. Going toward the
wheelchairs. I told the man, behind that desk... " I'm bout to pass out."
He quickly helped me into a chair and that's all I know about that...
Seven days... into my hospital stay; I awoke. I Had an tube in my nose
and there was a bag a big bag of my blood in an hanger by my bed. I found
out that the nurse had ruptured me and I had internal bleeding. I almost
died. It was now the seventh day. It usually only takes three and you get to
go home with your baby. That evening, another Doctor came in and told me
" Your baby girl is doing great you on the other hand weren't doing too well.
We thought we lost you for a moment. Are you feeling okay now? "
“Yes. “ I answered him. Whom, I found out was Sara's Doctor.
" Well if you sign this release we can let you and your baby go home today.
Do you have someone who can come take you home? And a car seat."

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" Yes, my sister is taking me home. “ So I signed the paper and Maggie came
got me and Sara and took us to the dollhouse.
She helped me carry stuff in the house and then held Sara for a little while,
then Maggie went home.
Just me and Sara cause Tommy was at high school. Sara started crying so I
checked her diaper, and made her a bottle. After I fed her I gave her baby's
first bath at home. It was easy. Sara was so good. I noticed her flailing her
arms and crying cause she was scared. So I put a warm rag over her chest
and she relaxed and stopped crying. I washed her and rinsed her and then
wrapped her in a towel and went to the couch where I had already sat out
her diaper and clothes. Then I sat on my bed and held her close to me.
Tears fell from my face onto hers I flat adored my little girl Sara.
God told me to say as I wiped the tears of mine off Sara's forehead
" SAY IN THE NAME OF JESUS " so I did. Then I rocked her, till she fell
asleep. Then I took a well needed nap and a pain pill they prescribed.
When Tommy got home, he looked at and held his little sister. It was a
beautiful site to say the least. Time for another changing and another tiny
bottle and when she got sleepy I rocked her to sleep and laid her in the
bassinet I ask Tommy to keep an ear on her so if she cried while I took a
quick shower.

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After the shower. I checked on Sara she was still asleep. So I went and
visited with my son awhile in the living room next to Sara and my room. I
fixed him something to eat and a cool desert we both like. A concocktion he
and I made up ( Flinstones cereal, whip cream,and chocalate syrup)
Then I heard my little ladybug make a noise. I went in and picked her up
to which Tommy replied smiling... " You sure your not waking her up just so
you can hold her are you? "
I laughed carrying her into the living room saying " Nope, just don't want her
to think I'm not here." I held her awhile and let Tommy again then I put her
in her swing. She is so beautiful.
About a week later it was time for me to take Sara on her first outing to
get some groceries and baby formula. Before I left I fed her and changed
her and dressed her appropriate for the weather which was a tiny pink dress
and a diaper. Made her a bottle just in case and took wipes and a couple
diapers. And her pacifier. I then loaded her in the car, in her car seat and
went grocery shopping. My joy was immeasurable for my daughter Sara.
And Tommy living with me and Willy's visits that were every weekend. My
life was becoming the best it has ever been.
I went to my usual store Harps in Dardenelle. On the way there I
realized I didn't have a blanket to cover Sara's seat, from any germs ,at the
store . I thought about going first to the dollar store to get one. But
decided she'd be okay; that I would be in and out in a few minutes.

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Got Sara and her seat out and placed her in the shopping cart and started
down the isles quickly as I could without driving dangerously. When up the
fifth isle I met up with a women about my age with dark hair and she was
ahead of me and Sara. When she looked back at us; she couphed, without
even covering her mouth! So I passed her and went on our way. To get
away from her germs and rudeness. When I got to the outer lane, an older
couple was there and they were couphing like crazy. So I skipped that lane
and went to another. Quick as I could, without disturbing my Sara. I got
her formula and forgot on purpose, the chips on Isle rude woman. While I
was getting the formula a little boy( about the age of ten) was at the end of
the isle looking right at me and he couphed, but he had his face in his elbow
as it should be. I smiled and he dissapeered from sight. I went to check out
and was in line, at the cashier. When a young couple, on the next isle check
out ; were looking at me and Sara. They were not smiling at all. Then the
male couphed without covering his mouth. I became enraged at his
rudeness and the rudeness of the others and told him to cover his mouth
when he couphs. They just smiled at me and I paid and got out of there and
we went back to the dollhouse. That is what I called this home for it was
perfect and cute and I had many dolls in the living room and me and Sara's
room.
About a month later I was feeling strong again so I called Mom. Invited
her and Johnny and Chris and his girlfriend; over for a cook out. I invited
Maggie, but she didn't want to come. Tommy was there. It was my first
cook out. It turned out good. All played with Sara while I cooked
hamburgers and hot dogs for everyone and some fish for Mom. The fish
didn't turn out good; so it got left on the grill ,for then. I made everyone a
plate and we all enjoyed the visit.

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Sara was now about a month and a half old. And all was going well. I did
have to ride a non-emergency van to Childrens hospital to get her kidneys
looked at. They said Sara had a little problem emptying her bladder. I
would have to come back for a follow up apt. After I had already took her
twice to Little Rock on that van.
Then after the second trip to Little Rock Childrens hospital; Maggie came
by to see what they said and to hold her. That was about it on her visits to
my house and I never went to hers but once for a minute and she took
pictures of Sara. All over Maggie's house was signs that she was expecting
to baby sett allot or something. A baby bed even. I didn't need a babysitter
so I never let her.
Two months of age Sara was growing from her birth weight of six pounds
and nine and a half ounces. My smallest baby of all. Andy was first at
seven pounds five ounces, Tommy was second at seven and fourteen
ounces, and Willy was a eight pound and four ounces.
One day into the second month. Maggie called and said “I have nothing
to eat. “So I told her come over, Mom and Johnny are here and I will gather
you up some groceries that I can spare. “ When she got there I went into
the kitchen where Johnny was rinsing out his Dr. Pepper can in the sink; to
get the food. When we both overheard Maggie say while she was looking
at Sara in her bassinet asleep " Little does she know what I want."

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Johnny said as my eyes opened wide while gathering the foods " She's
gonna steal your baby."
" Really?" I ask Johnny quickly...and scared.... to which he laughed
" No way! "
I almost had all the food I could spare bagged up when Maggie had said
that, but immediately when she said that... Sara started screaming loud as I
ever heard her cry. I ran in there and Maggie had awakened her to hold her
and I had just fed and changed and rocked her to sleep moments earlier. I
let her hold her but she kept crying so I put her in her swing and she went
back to sleep. Mom and Maggie talked a few words and then Maggie took
the food and left.
That night I couldn't get Sara to quit crying I tried everything bottle, diaper
change a bath, comfortable sleepwear, singing, rocking ,pacifier. Nothing
worked and it was a loud high pitched cry like she was in pain so I called 911
cause I can't drive to Little Rock and I was scared something was wrong with
her kidneys or bladder like the hospital had told me.
I told 911 I can't get her to stop crying no matter what I do and that she
might have some problem with her kidneys or something. I told them the
address and my name and phone number.

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Within 8 to 10 minutes or so an ambulance arrived but not only that!!!
Sirens were loud and many. There were two fire trucks, three cops and an
ambulance. It was hysteria. Maggie's boyfriend also was there as they put
Sara in the ambulance, to look at her and see what was wrong. Maggies
boyfriend was dispatcher of the fire department. Apparently he had heard
it on his scanner. I was very scared and a nervous wreck. I remembered
Maggie's " Little does she know what I want" ( meaning Sara) and got one of
my dolls and threw it out the door toward him and said " Tell Maggie she
can have that! " Well being that I am Lori Justice and have been taken to
many institutions, for thirty days of food and rest. In these many years ;that
was enough, that the cop hand cuffed me and put me, in the back, of his
police car. Even though I begged to see Sara; and be in the ambulance with
her. They took me to Saint Edwards Mercy hospital and held me for
observation. No one would tell me how Sara was and if she was okay. I
waited in the hospital room a long time before anyone would come talk to
me. All of the sudden I heard Sara crying from way down the hallway from
me. So I went quickly to the sound of her voice. When I heard a nurse
excitedly nervous say " It's the mother get her quick!"
Two female nurses came and took me by the arms and were taking me
back to the room I was in, I pulled my arms away and said " I want to see if
my baby is okay! "
" You have to wait in your room right now! " They said as they again put
hands on me and led me back to the room. This time they locked me in.

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I was in the room so long: I was wanting a cigarette pretty bad. I had cut
way down while pregnant just one every now and then but the stress was
terrible. So I laid down on the hospital bed and covered my head with the
sheet.
Finally after about twenty more minutes the door opened and I uncovered
my head and seen it was a Doctor and nurse. With just my head uncovered
at first glimpse of me the Doctor said
" Peek a boo! "
" Stop treating me like a child! " I told him upset!!!!!!!
" You don't like being treated like a baby.? I am sorry .
Your sister said you like being treated like a baby.."
" It's okay. Is my baby gonna be alright? " I ask him.
" They are still looking at her it will be awhile." Doctor informed me
then he ask " Do you smoke? " Yes I said.
" Well I will send someone in to take you out to the smoke area so you can
have a cigarette how does that sound.? "
" Good, I need one. Thanks."
They left me then with it'll be just a few okay? "

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Okay I told him and I waited just about five minutes and a man came in
and walked me out and he and I lit up. He was some type of staff. ( I do now
know what he was. As I write this) We sat quiet smoking till he said " This is
a tough thing I know. But we are gonna send you to where you can get
some rest. "
" I'm fine, I will rest when I know Sara is alright ! "
" I'm sorry we have to do this but we will be with you. You will recognize us
in the eyes."
Where am I going? I ask him to which he replied
" The State Hospital."
" Why!!! There is nothing wrong with me!!! I just want my baby to be
alright and go home."
" I'm sorry we can't do that." He told me.
" Well I don't want Maggie taking care of my baby while I am gone I want
DHS to take care of her till I get out." I told him
" I don't know anything about all that. All I know is what I told you." He
then said adding " Come on your ride is here it's time to go.
I loaded up in an ambulance and was transported to the State Hospital in
Little Rock.
I knew I had to remain calm to prove I was alright. Even though I
wasn't.

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I was worried to death over my baby and every time I ask the nurses no
one would tell me anything at all. So I did the best I could to hold myself
together. I played the games with other patients, read and walked around
outside when they let us out.
One day this young boy about in his early twenty's was standing by the
table we were playing a game of uno. He didn't play he was just starring at
me when all of the sudden he jerked toward my face with a pen aimed right
at my eye and was saying while darting the pen toward me
" You got pretty eyes I think I will take one out! "
" YOU BETTER NOT ! " I yelled at him while he continued to jab the pen
toward my eye. The nurse seen this and yelled at him “ Get away from her!”
Then she came got him and during my stay I didn't see him anymore.
Probably took him to wear they keep dangerous patients I don't know but I
was glad he was gone.
One evening about the twentieth day they gave us some coffee and it
was good. I sat at the table and sipped it and thanked God with my heart.
Then as I sipped the bitterness I began to weep into my cup as I sipped and
then I got angry and bit the foam cup and spit the piece out on the table and
cried loudly. I couldn't contain myself any longer. About three minutes
later the door, to the room we were in opened, that staff used with lock and
key. I looked up and it was the man from Saint Edwards Mercy hospital that
had smoked a cigarette with me. Apparently he is a phsiciatrist and he was
looking directly at me.

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He came over to my table and ask me to come talk with him a few.
So I did, Somewhat of just another interview but this time when I said " I
don't know where my daughter is or even if she is alright no one will tell me
anything! "
" Well I am sorry but we have some things we need to take care of here;
You. Then you can go home and take care of your baby. Okay? " Does that
make you feel better? "
" Yes , thank you. One more thing Doctor I have to be out of here by the
first so I can pay my rent on time."
" Well looks like you got ten more days till you can be released and then
you can take care of that too. Good deal? "
" Yep! but what is today? " I ask
" It is Saturday the twentieth will that work." Doctor ask to which I
responded cheerfully.
" Yes, that is perfect I get paid on the first so that will work."
" Okay then you just keep your head up and keep doing good and you will be
home before you know it." He told me then he shook my hand and left.

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But that is not what happened at all.. I got driven to my Moms. In a
non-emergency van. Before I got out I seen my Chrysler LaBaron sitting at
the end of the yard. It had a caution tape all around it and weeds in the grill
like it had been head first in a ditch or something.
It scared me cause I had... been letting Tommy borrow it; and now I was
scared he was in a wreck while I was gone. I got out of the non-emergency
van and ran into Moms trailer and ask " Is Tommy okay? Did he have a
wreck in my car? !!!"
" No Maggie's boys drug it up the hill something is wrong with it."
" Why'd they bring me here and not home? " I ask Mom.
" You don't have a home anymore. You were evicted. Your gonna have to
stay with me awhile till you get yourself together."
" I'm fine I just want my baby! " I said as calm as I could.
" Well , I don't know where she is so don't ask me." Mom said sounding sad.
" Can I have a cigarette? " I ask needing one like crazy.
" They said you were doing good and not smoking at the hospital." Mom
said then to which I responded " Yeah cause they won't let you smoke
there. I still wanted one."
" Well I'm out and I don't get paid till the third so I don't know what your
gonna do. Maggie called she hasn't got any cigarettes or money either."
Mom finished.

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" Well I can fix that! " I said and ask for the keys to my car.
" I don't think it is safe to drive that thing something is wrong with it. What
are you gonna do anyways? " Mom ask.
" Go to the store and get me and you and Maggie some cigarettes and
Johnny a Dr. Pepper and a Hershey bar."
To that Mom gave me my keys and said " You can try to start it but I don't
think it'll run."
" It will run it just needs my touch." I finished and went outside with my keys
in hand. Mom watched out the window while I messed with it. It did take
awhile and I almost ran myself over doing what I did to get it going but I got
it started yee haw.
When it did Mom came out Panda, and Missy my dogs came out with her.
" I don't think you need to be driving that thing." Mom said to which I
responded " It's good I will be okay, I will be right back and I'm gonna let my
girls ride with me I have missed them."
" Come on girls let's go! " I said happy to be back with most my girls. They
loaded up as usual fast and in the backseat. I pushed the button and the
top went down. Mom went back into the trailer.

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I heaved a breath of air. Thinking... One step at a time! Forward
march!!! I backed out of the drive and started the incline of the mountain
when I was on top and about to decline I put my foot on the brake; but it
was hard and wouldn't move at all. It was locked up. Within a moment I
was descending off the mountain with no brakes at all, and the gas pedal
was hard and wouldn't move either and speed was catching me fast.
" Hold on Girls!!!" I hollered back as I tried to maneuver the mountainside
going downhill very fast.
As I got near the bottom of the hill I started loosing control; my car went
right toward trees to the left of me so I steered back, now I was facing the
right hand side trees head on so...
I counter steered again, to the left... too much,heading straight toward
the trees.... to the right....... too much well this is where I could of ended.
But instead my car straightened up and the brakes started working and the
gas. I didn't wreck thank God and my girls didn't fall out I noticed then
when I had a chance to slow down and look they were hunkered down
scared in the seat.
" We made it!!!! YEE HAAAAAAAAAA " I whooped out and the girls calmed
down and were now looking out wagging their tails. I went on to the little
general store. I bought me and Mom and Maggie three packs of cigs each
and Johnny his candy bar and coke. The general store is past the doll house
and Maggie's just a little ways from it so on my way when I past I looked at
my no more mine home. It was empty I was sad.

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Anyways, I went to where Maggie's trailer was and something very
strange had happened... No one lived there anymore either. (Maggie and I
had the same landlady) When I knocked on the door, no one answered
and I looked in the window, cause everything was gone ,out of the yard and
the trailer was empty.
So I went back to Moms and gave her the cigs and gave Johnny a hug and
his stuff.
" I see that you made it." Mom said and we lit up sitting at the kitchen table
as we often have and had a cup of coffee together that was nice.
" Yeah I about didn't. But somehow praise God I made it safe and sound.
Where is Maggie? She moved."
" She don't want you to know." Mom informed me still sad.
" I am not mad at her what is she scared of me for?"
" She is not scared, she said it's just better till you get all well to leave her
alone.
" Mom! I know when I am sick and I am not sick. I just called 911 for help
for Sara and all this happened I don't understand this. Where is all my stuff?

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" All I know is there is a couple glad bags, of your clothes, under the garage."
Mom told me so I finished my coffee and went outside, to see what I had
left. There were three big glad bags, of clothes and a couple of pictures, in
them. One was of my Dad and I looked at it and cried to him of everything
that was happening...
When I went back inside; I carried a change of clothes and had already
washed my face with the tears outside but needed a bath.
Panda wanted to be close to me, so I let her in the bathroom with me; while
I bathed. She jumped right in with me and I washed her too, she had never
done that before but she does love a bath and me more than any dog in this
whole world ever has loved me. Pebbles is her Mama and Missy is her
sister. Missy goes back and forth between Mom and me the other two are
always with me. Pebbles got run over not long before I got pregnant with
Sara. I loved her too she helped me through the divorce with my boys dad.
A couple days went by and I didn't know who to call; about Sara. I was
lost ...I didn't know what to do. So I couldn't eat. I had no appetite
whatsoever. ( contrary to Moms asking me to please eat something. )
All I wanted was Sara. Eventually I could no longer sleep. I was still taking
my meds as prescribed but sleep could not find me.

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I was beginning to deteriorate quickly. I started getting physcotic.
After three or four days with no eating nor sleeping. Getting scared even
of Mom and Johnny. ( two of the sweetest people in the world.)
My ex-husband ended up picking me up and taking me home with my
boys. Andy was not living there but Tommy and Willy were. It blessed my
soul to see them but still I could not eat. They watched over me that day
and night and again I couldn't sleep. I laid in bed with Willy as I was
instructed but I just watched Willy fall asleep. When I was sure he was
asleep I began to weep.
It was a silent sound for the most part but Willy woke up from the trembling
bed.and ask...
" What is wrong Mommy?"
" I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you. "
" It's okay mama tell me what is wrong why are you crying? "
" Nobody will tell me where Sara is at I think she might be dead and they
just don't want to tell me."
" Mom she is okay she is with Maggie in Paris." Willy told me.
Then I cried voicing tears of relief and then I told my son go to sleep now
Mommy's okay now. I love you goodnight."
Willy hugged me and kissed my cheek and ended up falling asleep soon after
and I laid there awake.

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The next morning everyone got up to get ready for the day. My boys
dad took me and Willy to his Moms for the day while he worked and Tommy
went to school.
Me and Willy played on the game boy; racing cars. Grandma read the
bible which to me looked upside down. When I went to the bathroom it
smelled like hells gate was coming from underneath the sink it smelled like
many, many dead bodies. I used the bathroom anyways cause I had smelled
death before. I heard Grandma say " Shower curtain" and I thought she
was trying to smother me by making the shower curtain get me. So I ran
back to Willy after rebuking the shower curtain. He apparently heard me
and said " Mom you can use the other bathroom if you are scared of that
one."
" NO it's okay now. I confirmed the smell is gone now let's play some
more.” I told Willy having fun with him.
" Dad called to see if you were okay he said tell you he will be here to get
us soon as he gets off work okay? " Willy told me.
" Okay! " I said adding " It's fun playing huh."
" Yep." Willy answered and we played till his Dad came got us and took us
back to his place. Where I use to live for sixteen years of my life. But when
we got there my ex explained to me that he couldn't watch over me
anymore but that his girlfriend was nice and she said I could go stay with her
tonight. I liked Debbie I had met her several times.

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So when she came I gave the boys a hug and kiss and went with her, to
her house.
I had never been there ...
and the way my mind was racing... I didn't know where it was ...when we
got there. Panda was with me at my ex's and grandmas and now at
Debbie's. By then it was dark and after Debbie introduced me and my dog
as she put it to her Mother; she said you can sleep there on the couch here's
you a blanket if you need me just holler okay?"
" Okay. I said adding thank you for letting me come here.
After everyone went to bed... I got scared and started calling Debbie's name.
She wouldn't answer at all... after many calls to her. Her Mom got up but
she couldn't walk good and I seen her coming toward me and it scared me
that she was gonna get me.
She said " I'm sorry I don't mean to scare you I just wanted to see if you are
okay."
" I'm okay!" I told her but my heart was pounding furiously in my chest.
She went back to bed. I laid there on the couch mind going a thousand
miles a minute.
I called 911

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" Hello my name is Lori Justice and I don't know where I am but I think all
the people in this house are dead." I whispered to the lady on the phone.
" Stay where you are and we will send you some help okay? "
" Okay." I whispered back.
I laid there and held Panda close.... Only a very little while passed, just a
very few and I saw lights flashing from outside. I was too scared to move so
I didn't. I just was frozen stiff with fear. The cops knocked on the door and
were knocking on the bedroom windows . I answered the door finally and
I heard the cops saying “ There is no movement from inside the house. “
They told me to come with them while they took a look around. I didn't
want to leave Panda so I said loud " NO I WON'T LEAVE PANDA AGAIN!" To
that Debbie got up and so did her Mother. The cops talked to Debbie in
confidence and then Debbie came to me and said " Here Lori let me hold
Panda I will take care of her you got to go with the cops and she can't go
okay?"
I kissed Panda and handed her over and left with the cops. I was taken into
protection custody into a dungeon under the jail. Where I walked around
and around the tiny empty cell. Which had no bed, no toilet no light, it was
so dark in there I could only see slightly through a tiny window covered with
something so I could barely see out, to the light in the long hallway of the
detention center. No one came checked on me for a long, long time. Finally
a girl named Laura came and there was a male cop. He was bald and huge.
He wore black sunglasses and never took them off...

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They opened my cell and told me to come and sit in that room, so I
could have an interview with someone from Counseling Associates. When I
was out in the hall.... I looked to where they were walking me; toward it
was a glass room with a few chairs. Immediately I thought back to Hitlers
Chemical killing of the Jews Thinking that it was a gas chamber. I refused to
go any closer. I stopped walking altogether and said " I'm not going in
there! "
Laura said " Yes you are!" Trying to force me to walk toward the room.
I pulled away from her and the bald big man grabbed my arm and twisted it
way high behind my back; it hurt. Felt like he almost broke it and he shoved
me back toward the cell door and Laura shoved me in. They locked the door
and left. For two days and two nights I walked the floor. This last day made
my seventh day and night with no sleep. I was like a spirit UN-rested. I
wanted my baby girl back! My Sara Michelle.
Finally they escorted me out to a old cop car in handcuffs. I ended up at
another institution in Malvern. where I had been once before. It was right
next to a mortuary. As we passed I got scared, that was where they were
taking me. I was wrong they took me into the institution. I remembered
most the workers there. As they also remembered me.

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One of the workers looked like a saint he was black and had totally white
hair, and beard and mustache. Mr smiles I call him was still there too he
was nice. He remembered me and even whom I had a crush on last time I
was there. He remembered the name of the cop that had handcuffed me in
the detention center that I had told him about. I didn't remember his name
I had thought it was Jesus in disguise; here to save me.
Mr smiles said to me " Lori do you remember that guy you had a crush on
last time you were here?"
"No." I replied
" David Smith." He told me then with another sweet smile.
There was a patient there, that was carrying a bible tightly in his arms
all the time. But when someone would ask him to share. He would keep it
closed upon his chest and say " No it's all mine, no one can see it but me!!!"
I couldn't believe he wouldn't share the bible. But we were in an
institution.
One night there I got up in the middle of the night. Something told me to
“ Go into the little room down the hall” where I found paper and some
crayons on a table. The janitor was in the hall, but he didn't stop me or say
anything as I sat at the table to write.

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One piece of paper per word I wrote and dropped each page to the
ground. GODS
WILL
BE
DONE
IN
JESUS
NAME
AMEN
All the pages on the floor... then as I was finishing with a picture of a
happy face and a tear in the eye. The janitors voice sounding like a deep
dungeon voice very evil and scary. Said " That's my baby!"
I looked over across the hall at him and his eyes were totally black and
blankly staring at me. He had an evil smerk on his lips. It scared the heck
out of me! I ran to my room and covered up my head until I fell asleep.
That is the only time I didn't rebuke in Jesus name something that scared
me.

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I stayed there about thirty days or so and went against medical advice
and walked away. At discharge; they gave me my old pocket knife, and let
me go. I walked down the road. While I was walking I found a name tag and
on it was Andy's name it said “ Andrew” I kissed it and put it in my pocket
and walked ; till I found a gas station, that was next to a laundry mat. I
called my boys Dad to come get me, and had the lady at the gas station tell
him where I was.
" Wait where you are at it is too cold to be walking we will be right there
as soon as possible." He told me so I waited there.
I was talking to the gas station lady and told her I didn't have any money
then I showed her my cool antique knife asking her to please trade it for a
cup of coffee and a pack of cigarettes.
Believe it or not she did and she even gave me some matches and said I
could go wait in her laundry mat. So I did, it was warm in there. Pretty
soon maybe thirty or forty minutes later my ex and Tommy and Willy were
there to get me. Ya! Saved again. They first took me to their home in
Russellville. Tommy showed me a surprise; he had told me about, on the
trip from Malvern. He and Willy walked me to the back yard and blessing to
my eyes beheld most of my personal belongings were there boxed and
bagged.

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Even allot of my doll collection and film, clothes , picture albums and
nick naks. I dug through it and was elated at this because I thought it was
all gone.
As I dug I noted that everything of Sara's was not there.
Tommy told me when I remarked about it that " Maggie was there grabbing
everything and that he had got all he could possibly get ." I thanked my son
with a hug and a kiss, on the cheek. Telling him " You did good son, thank
you so much! They all helped load my things; into the van and they took me
back up the mountains, to Mom. Once there ...we all unloaded my stuff
into Moms storage building. With hugs from my boys I went into Moms
trailer and hugged her and Johnny.
Some time passed with me just doing all I could do. Read the bible and
drink coffee. Barely eating not much of an appetite for food just for Gods
words. I made me a place to rest and be alone. In the storage building
using fifty candles to try to make it warm so I could listen to music and read.
One day soon after my Mom told me that Maggie was bringing Sara over
and that I get to babysit her till Maggie gets done in town. I was finally
gonna see my baby girl.
She was now four months old.

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Maggie pulled into the driveway, as I was watching, out the kitchen
window. I seen her getting out and going to the back seat, of the car.
My heart whelmed within my chest but I didn't cry. I remained calm, cool
and collected as I could.
I went outside, to carry the car seat, with my daughter in it, into the
house but Maggie stopped me with " I got her!"
She carried Sara in and I followed ;trying to see what she looked like. As we
got inside, Maggie sat down the car seat and took Sara out and handed her
to Mom saying " Don't let her do anything stupid like try to run off with
her."
When Maggie left Mom handed me Sara. My tears then could not be
stopped. I held her close and danced and sang to her...
When Sara smiles... the worlds a better place...
When Sara smiles...everything's alright............the song sounded pretty but
sad.
Mom wrapped her arms around me and Sara and we danced together as I
sang now with no more tears …

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Hey... If you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world...
Tell her I love her... Tell her I need my baby... Oh won't you tell her that I
love her... I woke up this morning... Realized what I had done... I stood alone
in the cold gray dawn and knew I'd lost my morning sun... I hushed couldn't
sing the rest. And I didn't know what in the world I had done wrong.
Got into my Sara's pink diaper bag that Tammie had bought me. That
Maggie had took and was using.
Dug in and got out a diaper and changed her and redressed her and fed her
a bottle. While I was feeding her the bottle, the phone rang.
I heard Mom " I'm babysitting Lori babysitting Sara." to whomever was on
the phone. It hurt my feelings but I didn't say anything; for at least I was
finally getting to see my baby.
A couple hours later Maggie came in and took Sara from me without a
word to me. Except " Give me her." so I did. There was nothing I could do
she had ( as my Mom had explained to me; that she had temporary custody
of Sara.)

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Johnny took some pictures of me holding Sara and I took some of her too.
I dressed her in a cute dress and hat that had been on one of my dolls. It fit
her perfect... my living doll.......
After that; I was allowed to see Sara, at Maggie's house; but only with
Mom and Johnny with me. And only one day a week. For a very short visit.
Meanwhile what was about to happen changed my life forever.
After Marc had dumped me; I told Mom " I am done with men! If God
wants me to have one he can bring him to my right front door.
I had been single now for over a year. When one evening as me and Mom
sat at the table drinking coffee. A knock came at the right front door.
When I answered the door my heart jumped inside my chest, when I
looked into the eyes, of the stranger. He had blue eyes and kind of long
blonde hair. Standing around the height of my puppy love Kevin DeWayne
Hedrick whom I will always love. I loved Kevin since I was ten and he was
twelve. He died when I was sixteen. He flipped his truck and it rolled over
and over and ended up on top of him. I will never be over him.

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" Hello can I help you? " I ask the not so seemed to be a stranger to me.
Some what familiar somehow. He reminded me of someone I just didn't
know who.
" Yeah, I was wondering about that piece of property, right up the hill from
you. Is it for sale? " He ask.
" It is my Uncle Melvin's place. Want me to go show it to you?" I told him.
" Yes please would you? " He stated nicely.
" Let me get ready and I will walk you up the path to it." I replied.
So I went back inside and told my Mom " Look out the window at him. He
is kinda cute don't you think so?" While I pulled on my boots.
" If you say so. What are you gonna do?" Mom ask
" He wants to see the Melvin's land I think he wants to buy it or something.
I'm gonna go show him."
" Just gonna go out in the woods with a total stranger. Don't you think that
is a little dangerous? " Mom tried
I replied now heading out the door " Na "

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As I stepped outside... I put out my hand to shake his with "Glad to meet
you my name is Lori Justice."
His big hand took mine respectfully and shaked with " I'm Jimmy D."
" Come on follow me I take you up the path." I said and took off in a
relaxed stride.
" I'm coming." Jimmy D replied and walked right beside me up Mommas
path to the land he wanted to see.
Half the way up the path was my resting rock. A huge boulder that
looked like God had run his fingers down and all over it. I had run my
fingers through it many times because I use to live on that piece of property.
In My Grandma's vacant trailer. Everyday going up and down the path to
visit with Mom and Johnny.
" Here is Gods resting rock." I told Jimmy D pointing at it and he stopped
and took a closer look at the rock.
" See where it looks like God run his fingers all around on it! "
I exclaimed as he touched it.
" Yeah, I can see where you could say that." Jimmy came back with mutual
respect for God. I liked that.

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" It's a nice rock." he added
" I've spent many moments on that rock." I was honest he didn't feel like a
stranger at all.
" Want to sit on it now?" Jimmy D ask
" Yeah that be cool." I replied so we both sat upon it. It was that huge.
" Sometimes I wonder how it got here on the mountain. There are no rivers
close enough to of done this. I think it was the flood." I went on a bit
more...
When I finished he said " That makes sense"
" Okay you ready to go see that land you want to see." I spoke while
jumping off the rock in a leap.
"Whenever your ready." Jimmy D said and simply put his foot down and
stepped down easily and rejoined me in the hike up the path.
That made me notice how tall he was so I ask " How tall are you Jimmy D? "
" Six feet." He answered adding " How tall are you? "

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" Five feet." I told him continuing up the path almost there I pointed "
There it is. I use to live her when my ex-husband kicked me out in 2000."
" You did?" Jimmy D sounded curious.
" Yep. My sister lived in that house that is burned down and I lived right
there... ( I pointed to the dense part of the trees) I lived in my Grandmas old
trailer."
"She is in heaven now."
" I'm sorry." Jimmy D sympathized.
" It is okay; she is happy! I am okay, although I do miss her. Her name is
Pearl." I finished.
" My Grandma is named Grandma Daisy. She is ninety years old ! She is the
neatest, best-est Grandma a man could ever ask for."
" You still have her here? Your blessed!" I exclaimed joyfully.
" I know." Jimmy D was then quietly inspecting the land.
" You don't want this land it is not good land." I told Jimmy D explaining
on.... " When my Grandma lived here something killed all her chickens.
And my sister Maggie lived in that burnt down house. It's just not good
land."

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Adding
" Something told me to anoint the land so I did a while back. But that was
before the house burnt down, so I don't know about it all."
" Hmm that is weird." Jimmy D stated confused sounding.
I told him more about it then and we walked back down the path to Moms.
When we got there Jimmy D said " Well it was nice to meet you there Lori
Justice. I'd like to talk some more with you ,but I got things I got to take
care of. Is there anyway I could see you again?"
" Sure! I'd like that." I affirmed.
" Is tomorrow okay for you?" he ask
" Yes. I will be here. It was nice talking with you Jimmy D."
" See you tomorrow then little lady." and he drove away in his white 1964
Comet.
I went back into Moms trailer " He is cute! " I told Mom and Johnny
overheard and said " Who was he? "
"Jimmy D. " I exclaimed with a twinkle in my eye.

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Johnny had on his Johnny smile that only if you knew him you would
understand how he smiled with a sense of great humor.
" Don't worry I'm not in love! But he was cute." I explained to my eldest
brother.
" Yeah right; we will see. " Johnny finished and then returned to
watching Jeopardy on t.v. Knowing most every answer first. Johnny is super
smart he was a Marching Band Director. Choir Teacher. Also;teacher of
instrumental music. Before his accident. Two weeks away from his
Masters Degree.
I made me a cup of instant microwave coffee in my favorite cup. Joining
Mom at the kitchen table. She too was drinking coffee. We both lit up a
cigarette. Both Marlboro light 100's. Both had a white lighter. Somehow
we have had this happen to us often when I buy pink when I see her she has
pink. Same thing often black, black, dark blue Mom dark blue me, Same
thing with light blue. Weird coincidence I guess.
" Well what did he want? " Mom ask.
" He was interested in that property Maggie use to live at. He wanted to
buy it at first. But I told him it was not good land."
" Why did you say that? "Momma ask me.

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" Cause it is the truth." I explained going on with " We sat on the resting
rock awhile and talked. He believes in God!!! "
" What is his name?" Mom ask
" Jimmy D." I told her with a lift in my spirit.
" What kind of name is that? " Momma ask taking a sip of coffee and waiting
for my answer which was " That is what he calls himself. I think that is cool!
" I answered Momma.
"Jimmy D is coming back to see me tomorrow"
"How come?" Mom ask
" Cause we weren't done talking to each other."
" Oh I see! " Mom smiled like an angel.
I slow danced to the bathroom to use it. Singing as I went... I met him at my
right front door...Cause that's what I ask God for...
Later on Johnny got sleepy and went to bed. I took my coffee cigs and
ashtray to join Mom in the living room. Which was only a few steps away
from the kitchen and open unto it. That is where I was sleeping; in Johnny's
recliner. Dayshavoo been there before.....

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Anyways, I then got my bible and read to myself while Mom watched
the news. I can't believe how much evil is going on in this crazy world.
That's when part of a song came to me it goes...
I think the worlds going crazy... It's even crazier than me...
cause everybody I see now... Seems as crazy as me...
Yeah I think the worlds going crazy ...
It's even crazier than me ...
cause everybody I see now...
seems as crazy as me...
I sang it out as it came to the which Mom said easily " I don't think
I would be telling just anybody everything.
" I don't." was my answer.
I fell asleep soon after. The next morning Maggie showed up with Sara.
Saying " Here keep her till I get back. And you need to change her." So I got
my pink diaper bag off her shoulder and she handed me my daughter. I
kissed Sara cheek and held her close to me. " Don't get too carried away I
will be right back." Maggie finished and left without a word to Mom.

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" No hi bye kiss my ass nothing huh. " Mom said about that and I laid Sara
down and changed her. Made her a bottle and fed her.
Talked to her
" Hi my little doll Sara Michelle. I am your Momma."
Sara smiled...When Sara smiles the world's a better place...
When Sara smiles, everything's okay...
When she smiles I can live again...
Cause when Sara smiles ... the world's a better place... I rocked her to sleep.
Laying her on Mommas bed it was getting late in the evening and Maggie
wasn't back still. Who knows what she was doing. Anyway
I ask Mom to keep an eye on her while I shower real quick. She did, so I did.
Even brushing my hair out and primped for five minutes.
Being the first time in months. A little mascara and light layer of
pink lipstick and I was done. Shaped my fingers into my hair parting it in my
usual way.
Sara was still asleep so I drank a cup of the coffee. Out of the pot that
Johnny had made for Mom. He always likes to make her coffee. He is the
sweetest man I know next to Jesus.

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As I was putting my coffee mate, in my cup standing up, by the sink; I seen
Jimmy D pull up and again park, in the end of our turn around spot. I ran
out to meet him and walk him to the door excited to show him my Sara!
Before I made it all the way to him or him to me I exclaimed happily "
Wanna see my baby girl she is five months old."
" I would love to see your baby." Jimmy D replied so he followed me; as I
turned back toward the trailer and headed to the front porch. With a bound
and a few leaps I was up the stairs. He strode close behind ,as I opened the
front door. Pointing to where Sara laid still sleeping as babies do.
" That's Sara my daughter!" I talked quietly to Jimmy D.
Whom was soft spoken back with " She is a beautiful baby."
" Her whole name is Sara Michelle Justice. " I continued until Mom said
" Here is Maggie pulling in, you better step out the door."
" Who?" I ask Mom.
" Both, I wanna talk with her a minute alone." Mom told me so we
stepped outside. Passing by I neither introduced Jimmy D to her nor her to
him. We passed each other. Us out and her in; with as much distance
between us as we could get.

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" Wanna sit on my tailgate and talk? " Jimmy D ask as we were headed
toward his 1990 red Nissan pickup truck.
" Yep." I said kind of quiet for me. Jimmy D put down his tailgate with his
big, calloused but gentle looking hand out " Need help?"
" Nope! Thank you though." I said while boosting myself up onto the
tailgate easily.
" Who was that?" Jimmy D ask
" My sister Maggie." I answered flat.
" What is she doing with your daughter?" he ask
" She stole her from me." I told the truth.
" What a bitch!"
" Yep." was all I said cause here came Maggie carrying Sara away.

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I jumped off the tailgate to say goodbye and kiss Sara. Maggie
stopped me, as she was already putting her in the backseat and buckled her
in quickly, shutting the door in my face with " She is asleep leave her be." I
didn't have a chance to respond she jumped in her front seat and drove
away leaving me standing there with tears in my eyes.
" Come here babydoll." Jimmy D requested gently.
Quietly I joined him back on the tailgate. I wiped my tears away with my
hand and washed my face and neck in my tears not missing the forehead.
( Very good for the skin ).
" You sure seem to be having a hard time right now. Where is Sara Dad?
Why is he not helping?" Jimmy D ask to which I answered truthfully ..." She
doesn't have a Dad."
I cried then with weeping and he held me close to his chest. Comforting
me with " It will be alright. I will help you get your daughter back. I know
something is not right here."
" I really don't know what happened. All I know is I called 911 for help and
this is what I got." I opened up to Jimmy D.
" I got court next month. I should get her back then Jimmy D.
But thank you it will be alright." I added
" Can I go with you to court?" Jimmy D ask with caring eyes open looking
into mine. Blue on Blue.

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" Thank you. Yes I would appreciate that very much Jimmy D."
" I'm just an ole Kansas farm boy come down to Arkansas when I was
eighteen. I left home to work in the oil field like my Dad Budjo. But I will do
anything I can do to help." Jimmy D was very serious.
" Thank you." I told him again.
" Your welcome babydoll."
That made me smile and now my face was dry now; but Jimmy said to me "
Your face is shining like a little angel." I replied " Thank you! I always
wanted to be good. But I haven't always been. I don't like when I mess
up." I finished and Jimmy D replied " Nobody is perfect little doll; only God
and Jesus. adding " But it's good that you want to be good. The sun was
setting across from the pond. The pond was on the other side of the dirt
road. It was about to get dark but we stayed on the tailgate and kept talking
...
" Wanna beer?" Jimmy D offered .
" Yes please." I said realizing that I did indeed want a beer.
" What kind do you drink?" he ask as he went to the beer.
" Whatever you got. I don't drink very often I can't hardly stand the taste of
alcohol for some reason. Never could. Beer kind of taste like what I would
imagine Cow pee would taste like."

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Jimmy D laughed handing me the Busch lite which I opened like a pro
and put the tab in my pocket of my blue jeans.
With " But it sounds good now!" I replied after a big long swig and a burp "
Excuse me.
" Your excused." Jimmy D said now making sure my tears were all gone. I
seen him examining my eyes.
" Wanna hear some music?" Jimmy D ask to which I lifted quite a bit with
" Yeah! Please! "
Jimmy D slid off the tailgate and went toward the drivers door.
" See what you think about this." he said and dissapeered into the truck
momentarily. When Darlin how I'd love to lay you down came to my ears
yeah Conway Twitty. One of my favorites.
Jimmy D came around the truck and got another beer with " You ready for
another?"
Noticing I had already downed the beer I said " Yes please."
strange how fast and easy it went down. I guess I needed that.

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Song played on as Jimmy D ask me " Wanna dance cutie?"
Amazed I looked up to where he stood in front of me with his hand taking
mine as he ask. I couldn't remember the last time I had danced the only
thing that came to my mind was " Yes." So I stood up and we swayed to
the music and held to each other I was falling in love with him... ( I call that
Love Magic )-something I learned at a very young age from the Holy Spirit.
Darlin how I'd love to lay you down...
Lay you down and softly whisper , pretty love words in your head...
Lay you down and tell you all the things a woman loves to hear...
I'll let you know how much it means just having you around...
Oh Darlin how I'd love to lay you down...
When the dance ended Jimmy D kissed my forehead with a sweet kind of
compassion, and thanked me for the dance.
We both jumped back onto the tailgate and drank a few more beers
together talking , sharing, laughing and every now and then crying. It
mattered what song was playing.
There goes my reason for living ... there goes my everything by Elvis
Presley came on and as we danced again I cried in his arms reliving watching
Maggie driving Sara away. Jimmy D held me so much the closer I felt one
with him. For he was crying too.

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It was getting late and I was getting quite tipsy when Jimmy D said
" Well babydoll. I got to get up early and go to work."
He got up and so did I not knowing whether to shake his hand or hug him I
said " You can hug me if you want to."
Immediately his strong arms went around me and he hugged me and I held
him. Our spirits felt so right togetther. All I could think in that moment was
(This could work).
The hug was probably the longest in history. Neither letting each other go.
When out of my mouth came " You can take me home with you if you
wanna."
" For real?" Jimmy D ask like he would like that.
"Yep. I ain't got anything holding me here." I told him. I just gotta let my
Mom know. Oh and can I bring my dog Panda she goes with me everywhere
I go.
" Yeah that will be alright. She seems like a good dog. She has been
watching my every move." Jimmy said then.
" Yeah she is my protector." I affirmed and ran in Panda close behind to tell
Mom what I was doing.

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When I did she said " Gonna run off with a perfect stranger? How many
times do I have to tell you something bad could happen to you just running
off all the time."
" He is no stranger. We talked allot I like him Mom I'm going."
" Go then. Mom said giving in adding " Are you taking Panda?"
" Yes! He said she can go!" Kissing Mom and then Johnny on the cheek to
leave. I said " See you tomorrow." Then me and Panda joined Jimmy D in
his truck and we headed oh about five miles away to his place.
When we got there; there was a huge white beautiful dog on his front
porch that ran to greet him at his door. I didn't even start to get out but
instead ask " Is she mean?"
" No she is gentle as a lamb. Even though she is half wolf and half German
Shepherd. It's safe she won't hurt a fly." Jimmy D spoke while petting his
beautiful white dog.
Getting out and helping Panda down keeping her close; I said
" What is her name?"
" Rosy" Jimmy D stated now watching as I neared to pet her head. She
didn't do anything except wag her tail at me and my Panda. So we went to
the door and Jimmy D unlocked and went inside his little white house,
inviting me and Panda indoors we joined him.

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His little house was very tidy. Looked to me like a hotel or something. Kind
of bare plus a few pictures of his kids on his wall.
He told me whom was whom. He had three. Two boys and a girl. They
were all grown; good.
Then since it was late he showered and so did I and we went to bed and
did it. Now we were one. I couldn't help it Jim bo de ne! Came out of my
mouth. My Jimbodene!
" My Lori Lori!" came out of his mouth and we soon fell asleep. Holding
each other close.
The next morning at four-thirty am the alarm went off a beeping. Without
griping or mumbling a bit. In fact; glad to meet the morning. I liked that a
lot laughing as he crowed like a rooster.
Flapping his arms up and down acting like a rooster. He is funny.
" Good morning good looking." Jimmy D then said holding me tenderly.
" Good morning handsome! " I said back without hesitation, looking up at
him.

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" Is there anyway you might want to hang out here today? I'll be late to
work, if I take you home; and I hate being late." Jimmy D stated honestly.
" Yep! That'd be fun! Then I can see you when you get off work!"
" Okay, let me show you how to work the t.v. and radio, then I must be off
to work."
So after he put it on cartoons, at my request. ( Been a long time since I had
cartoon day. My mind needed a rest.) When I explained I liked the oldie but
goodies. He put it on Tom and Jerry.
He kissed me and went to work in the oil field. I watched cartoons all
day. I would of cleaned up his house but it was already clean. Real clean
and I didn't see any nasty magazines around the place. That was good! But
when I looked in the fridgerator all there was, was some cheese, milk and
Miracle whip I said when I seen that “ Uh oh this may not work afterall.” I
am a Heilmans only kind of gal.
When Jimmy D came back he was carrying a pizza. I opened the door and
he was saying " Sorry I didn't even think I don't have much in the kitchen to
eat."
" That is alright. I didn't even think about food yet. I've not had much of an
appetite since they took Sara. Panda ate some of Rosy's food.

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“ Good deal! Let's munch I'm hungry.” Said Jimmy D.
We sat on the couch and watched the news and ate pizza and drank some
milk. He liked my favorite kind five meat thin crust pizza!
When the news was over Jimmy D ask " When is the court date?"
" In two weeks on a Friday." I told him wondering if he really was gonna go
with me to court. So far up to now it's been me against the world.
" Well I will take a vacation day that day. I want to be with you for this."
Jimmy D made my heart melt with his words. A song came through my
heart...( I got two strong hands ...I can help...
If your child needs a daddy ... I can help..... And he did just that from the
day we met we haven't failed to be together everyday either in person or on
phones.
First court hearing came. Sara was now six months old. I was 39.
Jimmy D picked me up at Moms. We went to Paris Court House. Where I
was handed some paperwork from my Public Defender which had been
appointed by the court.

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All I remember is reading that my sister Maggie reported that she didn't
believe I thought the baby needed diapers, food and clothing. ( What a lie!)
and that I was living with a known drug addict . ( Same thing she said about
my ex-husband when she tried to take my boys from me. The first time I
was put in the State Hospital with a nervous breakdown because my
grandma died and my brother killed himself ) That was back in 1997.
I showed Jimmy D the paperwork and as he read it his face looked aghaust
and upset as he said " She don't even know me!"
" She lied about me too! I had enough diapers for a year and lots of pretty
clothes for my Sara. I had everything she needed and more!"
" Who said all that?" he then ask me to which I responded with all I knew I
pointed to where it read " her sister Maggie reported..."
" Lieing bitch! Jimmy reported.
" Yep." I said sadly as we entered the courtroom and sat down beside each
other and listened. He held my empty hand as I clinched the paper full of
lies with the other. My hands were trembling and I was so sick to my
stomach I thought I was gonna get sick.
Jimmy D leaned near my ear and whispered " You'll get your baby back.
Don't worry."
" Yep, truth always wins in the end." I told him with renewed strength.

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But no one ever called me up to the stand to speak. I didn't get to tell the
truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God. So being
who I am I remained quiet until ask to speak.
I merely got to listen to strangers tell me; that I had to take parenting
classes. But that I would start getting supervised visitations with Sara at the
Department of Human Services. Every other weekend for an hour. Do
random drug testing. Until court resumes again on this issue in six months.
That was allot better than not seeing her at all or at Maggie's
In the meanwhile Jimmy D showed me a cute little old fashioned house. It
was on the bottom of Mommas mountain. 707 Nichols lane. I loved it at
first site. It needed a lot of cleaning and some work but I love work. That
would do good to keep missing Sara off my mind. So also the time till court
would come sooner.
" Do you like it?" Jimmy D ask as I took a look around.
I quickly turned to him with " I love it!"
" Would you want to live here with me?" he ask
" Yes! I would love to! "
" It's a done deal then. I will tell my friend we want it." Jimmy D finished.
" Cool we can have a farm here." I added then looking at the huge
pasture the house sat inside. With a large running creek in the very back
yard.

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" Look we already got cows!" Jimmy teased pointing at his friends herd of
cattle that grazed freely in the pasture.
" Yeah neat our own cows that we can play with and someone else takes
care of yee haw!"
" Yeah we'll let our hands take care of that." Jimmy teased on.
" Yes sounds divine." I laughed out.
So we moved into 707. I cleaned and remodeled and Jimmy D did
construction and wiring and plumbing and carrying everything in that we
owned. I put it where it goes. There was a big back room for a bedroom,
that was Jimmy Ds and my room. The smaller room we made into Sara
room. It turned out quite perfect home sweet home. With a big yard for
Sara to run and play in, and I could show her all about the outdoors and the
creek. I couldn't wait! Her room was ready and waiting with a baby bed
fully decked out with sheets and blankets, a dresser with some clothes that
will fit her now at six months and a few for when she is a little bigger. Over
150 doll collection hanging up and in shelf's and toy boxes. She also had the
two riding horses I had for her, don't know how they didn't get taken like
most everything else I owned of Sara Gone.

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I wish I could show you a picture of how sweet a place Jimmy D and I had
together made. I hadn't felt this at home in forever. Now I could finally dig
some roots. So too and be still and live life. Soon as I get Sara back.
Everything would be right for once in my life.
Jimmy D worked seven on and seven off. It was fun when he was home all
the time. We get along like best friends. He introduced me to NASCAR
racing and I love it. I have missed out being so busy all my life' to busy to
watch much t.v. at all.
Finally the weekend came to go visit Sara. So Jimmy D took me with him to
the motel, where he stays when he works in the oil field. It was in
Booneville, where I was to see Sara the next morning. The Booneville D.H.S.
office. Without Jimmy D I wouldn't of been able to see her. I didn't know
where Booneville was much less knew how to drive to it. I still get lost in
Russellville where I grew up.
That night me and Panda went to the motel with Jimmy D. He bought us
supper and we ate at the motel. Then he took me to the store and bought
me new pants and shirt and a little doll for Sara.
When we got to the young cashier; I told her I wanted some lighter fluid for
my lighter. She said " Your Daddy will have to get that."
Oh my gosh!!! He is only seven years older than me. lol but I did have two
ponytails on and was buying a doll. lol lol lol

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When we got back to the room I tried on the pants and shirt.
" Me like!" Jimmy D smiled at me looking in the mirror at my new clothes.
" Me too! Thank you so much!"
" Your quite welcome and thank you." Jimmy D stated and confused me so I
ask " For what?"
" For coming into my life." Jimmy said.
" Thank you for being in my life! You came just when I needed you most." I
told him honestly for my world had fallen apart. ( I couldn't understand it
cause I didn't do anything wrong.)
I couldn't hardly sleep. Which wasn't uncommon lately I was still like a
spirit unrested. I wanted my baby back! God gave her to me! Sara is my
daughter!"
The next morning...
" Wake up babydoll. You get to see your daughter today!"
" I'm awake." I said and got up and got ready.
Then looking at her doll I spoke without thinking " I hope Sara likes this doll.
I do she is cute. She is blonde I would name her Cynthia".

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" Here is a twenty. There is a dollar store right next to the D.H.S. office
maybe you can buy her something there."
" Okay? Thank you Jimbodene."
Jim took the day off to take me to see Sara. When we got there he said "
I will wait here with Panda in the van for you okay?”
" Okay." I said kissing him and grabbing the doll and my purse going into the
office. When I told them my name the lady handed me a cup and said for
me to give her a urine sample. So I did.
Finally a woman came and called my name so I went toward her..." Lori
Justice?" she ask as I neared her.
" Yes." I answered and she led me toward a room and said "Wait here."
There was a couple little chairs and a table full of books in the tiny little
room. And a double view mirror where I could see my D.H.S. Worker, sitting
in the other room adjacent the room I was in.
Her name is Sherry. I like her alright. But I don't like the parenting teacher
woman. Even though I did get my certificate. I still got a bad vibe from her.

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I looked in the mirror at my reflection and at Sherry. She got up and fixed
her hair and smiled at me. I smiled back then and sat on one of the little
chairs and waited.
Finally the door opened and Sherry carried Sara into the room. My heart
lept. I didn't cry. I wouldn't let me. Sara wouldn't understand. I had to be
strong. So I took her and Sherry left with
" Enjoy your visit."
I sat Sara down, in a little chair and sat opposite her. Picked up a little
five or six page baby book about shapes and colors. I showed Sara the
shapes and told her the colors she touched each one with her tiny little
pointing finger. Though she uttered not a sound except the cutest laugh I'd
ever heard.
Then I dug into my purse and pulled out her little doll. " La La" came out of
Sara mouth. Aw she calls dolls la las. That was the first word I ever heard
her say. After a little while Sara wanted to do something else. I could tell so
I went to the mirror and looked in at Sherry. Sara was confused as to why
when we looked in the mirror we could see us and somebody else. How
could I explain to a one year old that I had to have supervised visitation only
right now. I couldn't understand that myself. So I just tapped on the
window to get Sherry's attention off her paperwork a minute and I
motioned for her to come here. She did when she walked in I said " Sherry
can I take her outside and play? It is a real pretty day."

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" Mmm yes. But I'll have to go with you okay? "
" Okay thanks." I told her
" Give me a minute and I will be right back to walk with you and Sara
outside." Sherry said then returned to her paperwork a few minutes and
then she came walked us out of D.H.S. Me carrying Sara and purse, her
holding the la la.
When we got outside we went to the side of the building next to the
parking lot. I sat down on the grass and sat Sara down next to me. Sherry
remained standing for awhile, then she too joined us on the neatly cut grass.
Sara was starting to take a few steps so I held her hands in mine and she
managed a few steps. I looked up at Jimmy D smiling like a proud mama.
When Sherry ask " Who is that?"
" My boyfriend Jim he brought me here. I couldn't of seen Sara without
him."
" Sounds like a nice guy. Where did you meet him?" Sherry ask so I told her
" At my right front door on Mommas mountain where I was living."
" Yes I heard you were living with him. Where does he work?"
Sherry ask more...
" For Nabors drilling. " I told her without hesitation.
" Good job." Sherry remarked and then was quiet for a moment.

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Then she said while I was in between words with Sara " He can get out and
visit if he'd like."
So I waved at him to come here and join us; he just waved me to himself.
" Can I take Sara and show him how big she got?"
" Don't get in the vehicle. Just stand by his door and let him see her."
Sherry told me so I said " Okay thanks" and carried Sara on my hip toward
the driver door of the van.
" Look how big she got!!! So fast!!!" I said holding her close to Jim's
window which was open.
" Yeah I seen her take a few steps for you there." Jimmy D stated now
holding Sara hand and gently shaking it hello.
" How ya doing there little Sara?
Long time no see." he finished and patted her head.
Sara smiled at him. Just then Panda barked once to get my attention. " Oh
yeah you got to see Panda. She wants to see her Sara. So I said to Jimmy D
" Why don't you and Panda get out and come visit with us."
Jimmy D replied " I don't want nothing to do with them people I will help
Panda out." and he did and I thanked him aloud as she ran to me and Sara.

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I played on the grass a little while and let Panda and Sara visit too. Panda
kissed Sara cheek once just like she kisses me. Sara pattted Panda gently
and smiled a lot.
Then I noticed the dollar store and remembered the twenty and ask Sherry
" Can I take Sara to that store and buy her something? "
" Yes but you can't take that dog. And I have to go with you." Sherry told me
so I said " Okay let me tell Jim and put Panda back in the van."
" Leave Sara here with me while you do that, okay?" Sherry said so I replied
“Okay." and did.
I told Jim “ I'll be right back, going to the store for a minute. “ He said " Me
and Panda will be right here take your time enjoy your daughter."
" I will!" I said and then went and got Sara from Sherry and we walked to
the dollar store a few feet away. When we went in, I put Sara in the
shopping cart and started to get the belt to fasten it; when Sherry said
“Hook the belt around her."
" I am." I told her and did.

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As I pushed Sara around the store I told her " Show me what you want."
She looked around and when I got to a little doll that had a bottle and
pacifier she pointed at it. So I got it and handed it to her. Sara hugged the
box. I paid for it and we went back to D.H.S. to the yard and I opened the
doll and handed it and the bottle and pacifier to Sara. She put the pacifier in
the baby's mouth and it started crying like crazy and loud. Sara dropped
the doll and was scared. I picked up the doll and said' Maybe she wants her
bottle." So I put the bottle to her mouth and she made a drinking sound and
then burped. Sara liked that. Me too.
" Okay time is over. Say goodbye to Sara I got to take her back now.
So I kissed and hugged and handed over my little girl. Sherry took her and
carried her back into the building. I waved goodbye with clear eyes as I
could muster. Then when they were out of sight I rejoined Jimmy D and
Panda in the van.
I wiped my eyes with my hand and said " She is so cute." with a smile on my
face.
" You ready to go home now?" Jimmy D ask me and I responded with a yes.
So we did.

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Supervised visitation continued until court which came six months from
the last one. Before court came Sherry and the parenting class woman and
a man came and looked at our home.
I was proud to show them, that it was safe, clean and ready for Sara to come
home finally.
But when court time came Jim again took me and sat by me in the court. I
again didn't get to speak on my behalf " That I wanted my daughter back
now!" Even my public defender didn't allow me to speak. So I remained
silent. Not a word came out of my mouth as the court then stated ... That
my home was not ready. That Sara room was a little cubby hole or closet.
( Strange but that is exactly what Maggie had her in when she had her)
anyways they decided if I find somewhere else to live without Jim, that I
could have supervised visitation with Sara at my new residence.
So seeing as Mom was depressed living with Maggie. I talked her into her
and Johnny and me getting a place together. So we did it was a trailer not
very far from 707 Nichols lane. Maybe four miles or so from it. Jim is the
one that told me about it his friend Dodie owned it. So I could still be with
Jim when I couldn't see Sara. On the weekends that they let me see Sara; I
was at the trailer with Mom and Johnny. Just because they didn't approve
of Jim and 707 I did. But I did what D.H.S. told me to do.

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I fixed up me and Sara a little room. Hoping D.H.S. would approve of this
place. I unpacked Mom and Johnny too and made us a home. Knowing
when I get Sara back we would go live with Jim at 707. It was a much better
place and I loved Jimmy D. It was not their business to mind my life. But,
for the time being they were. I found out much later how much Maggie was
keeping them informed of my every move.
One weekend I was finally able to see Sara. The grass was kind of tall
where I wanted to play with her under a large shade tree. So I cut the grass
with scissors. It took awhile but I made us a perfect play place. As I was
finishing up someone showed up with Sara.
I took her and they said " We need to see your home." So I carried Sara in
and they followed behind. When I opened the door Mom and Johnny were
watching t.v. I explained to Mom " They got to look at the trailer."
Mom just nodded.
I showed them the kitchen the bathroom, pointed out Johnny and Moms
room. And showed them me and Sara room. It was very cute. I had a small
bed for me and a baby bed for Sara set up. With stuffed animals and dolls
all around the room. Some diapers and wipes, and other things I needed
for Sara.
They said " Looks good. Now just one more thing we need your Mother and
brother to fill out some paperwork.

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I took the paperwork to Mom and gave Johnny his.
Mom said " What is this about?"
" I don't know. They said you and Johnny need to fill it out. " I guess it was
a background check. To make sure Sara would be safe here.
" This is ridiculous!" Mom said but began to fill out the paperwork and
Johnny was reading his when I said " Is that it?" to the two people who
answered me " Yes. But for this visit we will be staying and watching you
with Sara."
Mom looked at me like Too much...
So I said " I want to take her out to play."
" That will be fine." The two said and followed me outside and sat on the
porch with " Go ahead and visit. Forget we are even here."
So I did... I took Sara to the shade tree and was showing her how to walk
better. She still couldn't walk alone. I held her hands and she walked all
around the tree. When I thought she was tired I laid down on the grass and
sat her on my stomach facing me. Talking and singing to my little doll Sara
Michelle Justice.
Hey if you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world...
Tell her I love her... Tell her I need my baby... Oh won't you tell her that I
love her... Sara listened to me singing and then as I watched her reaction
she looked into the heavens. Her eyes so blue and smiling.

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Then I carried Sara around showing her flowers and trees and stuff
outside. Until Mom came out and handed the people the paperwork all
filled out. The people stood up and called to me.
" Okay Lori! Time to say goodbye to Sara until next time."
So I kissed her cheek and returned her. They drove off. I sat alone under
the tree for hours; just thinking about all this. Jim showed up and we went
in the trailer he wanted to say hi to Mom and Johnny.
When he got indoors he said friendly " Hi Mom! How are you feeling?"
They had got close seeing each other often over the last year and a half. "
Howdy. I'm okay I reckon!" Mom smiled at Jimmy D whom then turned his
attention to Johnny who was watching The price is right.
" Hey there brother! How bout we go skydiving ?"
" I don't think so!" Johnny answered grinning that smile of his.
" Come on bro we can get you up there in your wheelchair and hook a
parachute to it and we could hit the skies!" Jimmy playfully chided Johnny.
" No thank you ass whole ha ha!" Johnny talked to him like he talked to my
brother in heaven when he ( Donnie ) would tease him as Jimmy D was now
doing. Hey Jimmy D is the same age as Donnie. Two years younger than
Johnny. We all laughed at his joken round.

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We visited a little while and then Jimmy D and I went home. It was
appropriate that I lived in two places; for I was torn apart. Jimmy drove the
van and I drove my Chrysler La baron
" What's wrong with your right arm?" Jimmy ask as I got out of the car at
707.
" I was carrying Sara for quite awhile today. " I told him adding " I showed
her some flowers and trees and bugs."
" Why didn't you take her indoors so you could set her down some." Jimmy
D ask and I answered...
" Because people were watching me and Mom didn't want them in her face.
So I led them outside to watch me play with Sara. They said they had to
supervise this visit but next time I get her to myself at the trailer! In two
weeks!"
" That will be good. Finally they are seeing that she needs her Mother."
Jimmy D stated.
" I hope." I said wondering why it was taking so long to get her back. I
couldn't understand ! I didn't do anything wrong.
Although I did test positive for marijuana the first time they tested me but
I quit completely Because I had too, to get Sara back. Besides that is not a
felony! (That was never brought up in court. )so far. They had nothing
against me or at least nothing they told me in court hearings.

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They just wouldn't give me back my daughter! They kept nit picking my
every move. Telling me what to do and I done every thing they said to do.
What in the world was going on... Why were they keeping my daughter from
me. All I did was call 911 for help for her cause she was crying so hard, and I
couldn't get her to stop. No matter what all I did; she kept crying! And at
Childrens Hospital they said she might have something wrong with her
kidneys. So I called for help and it continues on...
Two weeks go by time to visit Sara. Jim had already gone to work at four-
thirty am My car wouldn't start. So over thinking and not knowing exactly
what to do I quickly started walking toward the trailer. It was only a few
miles and by my timing I would get there pretty darn close to perfect. When
I was just about to turn onto the dirt road about five minutes from the
trailer. A truck passed me flinging dirt onto my face. But that aint what
made me mad it was that it was Mary contrary (The woman who did the
parenting classes) driving and I could see an evil smile on her face when she
recognized me. I could also see Sara in her car seat Mary just flew by and
didn't even slow down. I turned and watched her go to the stop sign wait a
second and leave.
I continued my walk to Moms broken hearted. I missed my chance to see
Sara. By five minutes.
Going into the trailer with a knock knock knock and a
"It's me. I missed Sara."

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"Well you should of been here like your suppose to be. Instead of worrying
about a man." Mom said
" I'm not worried about a man. I have the right to have a relationship! And
have my daughter!"
" Don't yell at me little girl!" Mom said calmly
" I'm sorry I'm just sick of all this shit!"
" Well who aint sick of all this shit!" Mom ask
" Maggie! She keeps telling on me." I went on
" Well quit doing what your not suppose to do. And do what you are
suppose to do." Mom informed me.
" I am and I have been! Why can't Maggie just leave me alone and quit it!"
" She happens to love that baby!" Mom took up for Maggie.
" I love her too! And God gave her to me!"
I whaled loud then " I didn't do anything wrong and they took my baby!"
" Oh you little holier than thou!" Mom freaked me out with her words she
never said anything like that to me before. Mom never even griped at me.
" I never said anything like that!" I came back.
"Yes well you act like it!" Mom kept on.
" I'm leaving!" I said and grabbed my purse.
" Good!" Mom said as I slammed the door and walked back to 707.

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When my Jimbodene got off work he took me to the Nublane General store.
Jimmy D bought a bottle of wine. When we got home We sat at the creek
and drank together and talked.
" Say? Are you okay?" Jimmy D ask as I stared quietly off.
" Yes." I answered.
" What is on your mind?" Jimmy D ask.
" I was just daydreaming that we got Sara back and we were living here and
we all had a horse." I told him
" Sounds good to me!" said Jimmy D.
Jim gave me the van that day so I would have transportation and he drove
the F 150 truck that he traded for his car.
We talked and drank the bottle of wine. Then began to play in the sand in
the front yard. It was perfect playing place. Two feet deep sand about 40
feet wide and 80 feet long. Where I had a kiddy pool to get wet in on hot
days. Like this day.
Jimmy D jumped into the small pool like he was diving in head first but he
didn't . It looked funny all 6 feet of him in a 4 foot pool.

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And it looked fun so even though I was wearing my white summer dress. I
jumped in with him. He made room for me what he could.
I was barefooted he was sandaled. After we played around awhile and got
good and wet; we got out of the pool. Jimmy D went and sat on one of our,
outside fold up chairs, as it started to rain. Even though it was sunny.
I ran and got my umbrella and gave it to my Jimbodene. He opened it and
held it up over him. Even though we were both soaking wet. IT was funny.
I laughed at him.
Till he stopped me with " Be serious. I want to ask you something."
" Okay?" I said now being still for the moment.
" Lori Lori I love you and I love your daughter Sara as if she were mine and
yours. I promise to take care of you both forever.
Will you marry me?" Jimmy proposed!!!!!!!
" Yes!" I said without hesitation.
Jimmy D then said " Right now. Right here and now in front of God and all
the heaven will you marry me right now?"

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" Yes!" I took off my wedding band from off my married finger and handed
it to him. ( It was a set my Mom had given me years ago. I had put them on
as soon as I found it after I had first been with Jim. For in my heart when
two lie together they are no longer twain but one flesh. To me in Gods eyes
we were already married.
But this was wonderful...
" Lori Michelle Justice I take you this day to be my wife in Jesus name
amen."
" Jim you are my husband and I do! In Jesus name amen."
We kissed and it quit raining. It was beautiful.
Then we had a honeymoon in the woodshed.
Luckily we got done in time for soon after we were dressed someone
pulled into our driveway. Got close to the house and stopped. Sherry got
out. With her was the bitch I couldn't stand.
The other Social worker the one that did the classes of Parent teaching. I
raised three sons for sixteen years! Till I was kicked out on July the
sixteenth of 2000. And I did a good job being a house wife and mom. But
Mary thinks she knows it all and acts like I know nothing. Bitch!!!! They
walked up as Jim and I were ringing out our wet clothes in the front yard.
" Did we interrupt you two?" Mary quite contrary ask.

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" No!" Is all I said to her.
" Hi Sherry!" I then said trying to see what was up.
" Hi Lori and hello James was it? Sherry said holding out her hand to greet
him.
He shook her hand with " Yes mam."
Then Sherry said " We heard that you two were still together and were living
here. So we thought we would come hear your side.
Can we go inside and talk a minute?"
I got angry and screamed " You can but that bitch aint going in my house! I
have nothing to say to her! " My middle finger pointing at Mary Mary quite
contrary.
Her eyes opened wide like ( How dare you! )
Jim said to Sherry " She don't want to talk to her."
" Okay she won't come in!" Sherry told me so I showed her the way into the
living room and offered her a seat on the company couch. Jim and I sat on
the other facing her.
" Let's see how can I put this?" Sherry began adding It had been let known
to us; that you have been living here with James not at the trailer like you
said.”

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" I live both places. That aint against the law! I live her on the days that I
don't have Sara and I live at the trailer when I get her!" I sounded upset
cause I was sick of it!
" So you think when you get her back you can just live here; with her if you
want?"
" It is a free Country! And Yes! That is my daughter and I want her back!!!
Now!!! It is nobody's business where I live! "
" It is our business if you want your daughter back." Sherry advised. ( But
that just couldn't be right. How could that be, that they can tell me where
to live. It all boils down to this ... My sister wanted my daughter... She got
me put into an institution when I wasn't even sick. For thirty days. They let
me out after observation saying I was neither homicidal nor suicidal. She
got me illegally evicted before I got out by telling my landlady that we were
smoking in the house. ( We smoked on the front porch) and she so far has
succeeded in taking my daughter from me.
" Sherry I don't want to talk to you no more either!" I spoke up.
" Okay, I'll leave but I'm the only one on your side."

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" It don't seem like it to me!" I told her no longer trading her, to be my
sister, instead of Maggie. As I had told her, when after a D.H.S. Visit, with
Sara;... when I was upset and trying not to cry... Sherry drove through Mc
Donalds and bought me a Chocolate shake. She was nice and cared that I
was hurt and so I told her that day...
" Sherry I'm trading You are my sister now instead of Maggie." But now
things changed she was not my sister at all just another stranger helping to
take away my daughter.
She left; she wasn't nothing to me but another enemy.
Jim said " You shouldn't of done that."
" What tell her the truth?"
" Yeah, you should just tell them whatever they want to hear."
" That is bullshit! So I messed up being honest? "
" Kind of crazy but yeah.
It will be alright Jimmy told me and held me close comforting me.
I stayed with Jimmy D at 707 till it was my weekend to see Sara. When it
was time I went back to the trailer with Mom and Johnny.
They brought Sara to me. I took her to our room and showed her all the
dolls. They were mine but now they were hers.

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I gave her a bath and as I washed her I sang to her Rub a dub dolly.
She was so cute. Her hair was growing and was almost halfway down her
back. I washed and conditioned and brushed her hair. Then I dressed her
and played with her all day. She loved the dollhouse. She was so tiny
standing up in front of it. I can still see that in my mind today. Something I
will never forget.
Maggie ended up showing up. I didn't speak to her, nor her to me. She
didn't even acknowledge Sara at all. She borrowed Moms tweezers and sat
plucking at the table looking at herself in the mirror. She wasn't even
talking to Mom. I don't know why she even came here... I thought to
myself. It wasn't like she ever visited Mom unless she wanted something.
So as Maggie plucked I played with Sara and made her something to eat
and fed her. She wasn't too crazy about my eggs so I gave her babyfood
She liked the bananas mixed with pears. And some big fluffy Cheetos!
" She needs to eat something better than that." Mom told me trying to help
but it only tired me out. I had enough of everyone telling me every move to
make with my daughter.
" I know. Maybe she will eat lunch better." I told Mom.
" It wouldn't hurt to try something else now." said Mom.
" She is full. She won't eat anything else right now. I will feed her later." I
told her.

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" Whatever." Mom said kind of not very nice adding " You know it all don't
you!" I couldn't figure it out my Mom was never like that to me. Somehow
Maggie seemed to have a evil spell on her.
" Yes! I know how to take care of my daughter!" I was upset then and had
raised my voice to Mom. Maggie looked up but still no words she just
looked at Mom who was looking at me with not so good a look in her eyes.
Me and Mom usually get along great but lately it wasn't going so well. It
was like Maggie's presence just made it worse between Mom and me. Plus
all the stress I was going through for what seemed like too much and for too
long.
" That's why you have her huh?" Mom went on then making me really
mad.
I blew up and yelled " It is Maggie's fault! I didn't do anything wrong!"
" Yeah your little miss perfect aren't you?" Mom added made my ass want a
dip of snuff as my grandma would say.
" I'm just as good as you! Fuck you bitch! " fell out of my mouth.
Mom got in my face and I flung the dry coffee from my spoon toward her
saying " You better leave me alone!"
" Or what?" Mom got in my face.

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" You just better!" I told her now sweeping up the coffee grounds. When I
went in the kitchen area, to put up the broom. Mom was right in front of
me in the way. She didn't move but stood chest out toward me, eyes daring
me...
I had all I could take; out of my mouth came " Touch Me!" And I bared my
chest back toward her eyes flaring That was my thing when I got really mad
to the point of fighting; if I said " Touch me" and if they did I would generally
go off completely on whomever.
Mom took her pointy finger and touched me with a slight poke.
I returned the gesture; with the same intensity. Right then if Maggie cared
she could and would of spoken up but she still said nothing at all. She was
probably hoping to witness something she could hold against me.
Mom touched me a little harder in the arm. Her long fingernail was felt.
Instead of touching her back again I stopped myself with
" This is ridiculous. I am leaving!"
" You better leave Sara here!" Maggie then spoke. It was as if Maggie had
put a spell on Momma to make us fight. Maggie is a practicing witch for
real.

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" Fuck you! No!" I said and gathered Sara's diaper bag and my purse and
got in the van and headed to 707. When I got there Jim was not home yet
and as I sat in the driveway ; I realized I wasn't suppose to have Sara there.
Maggie would just love to get to tell that on me. So I headed to where my
son Tommy was staying at his Dads trailer. While his Dad was doing a little
time away from home. In Jail ha ha he got five years. Ha!!!!
When I got there Tommy and his girlfriend Nike was there working in the
yard, cleaning up. I got out and got Sara out and let Tommy hold her a
second and then I held her the rest of the time. Except when I put her down
to play. We ended up staying the night there. I didn't have anywhere else I
could go.
I stayed there until it was time to return Sara. To D.H.S. who then
returned her to Maggie. Court time was approaching I was sure this would
be the time I would finally get my daughter back.
But I found out in the meantime that Maggie had taken Sara back to D.H.S.
looking like a pup unwanted just dropped her off there one day with " If I'm
not gonna get her for good. I'm not just gonna babysit her anymore!"
Sara was now two and court time had come. This time when Jim and I got
there and went into the court room the first thing we heard, was the judge
telling Maggie “ You don't seem to care for the baby!
You just had just dropped her off like a rag doll to D.H.S.
I'm gonna have to ask you to step out of the court room right now!”

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The judge told her to leave. I looked at her leave and then at Jim, with a
little hope coming; that finally; this could all end and I could get my
daughter back. Finally they were seeing some truth. This time in court I
got to get Sara for three days a week. Even though most my time was
having to give her to the friendship school that Maggie had got her signed
into. Claiming there was something wrong with Sara; trying to get a
disability check on her.
So I was at the trailer more than at 707. Jim visited everyday playing and
getting to know Sara our little girl. For what is mine is his and what is his is
mine. We are one. Without Maggie around Mom and I got along fine as
usual. Neither mentioning our earlier dispute. That went on for a little
while... But then
One day when Jim, Sara and I came back from our ride. Panda of course
with us. We had gone and got something to eat for Sara and ourselves and
Panda was happy her favorite Chicken strips from Kentucky fried Chicken.
Sara ate good she liked it too.
Then we stopped at the Nublane store cause Jim wanted some beer. When
he parked and went in I just looked into the back seat at Sara. She was
asleep in her carseat. She is perfect God thank you for my beautiful baby
girl. Jim came out and put the beer in the back and ask me “ Can I go show
Jeanie my baby girl?” “ Yes” I told him pleased to hear him say that.

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Jim carried the carseat in and showed Jeanie our daughter Sara. Then he
carried her still sleeping and I helped hook the seatbelt back around her.
When we got back, to the trailer; Mom and Johnny were gone. The trailer
wasn't locked. so we went in. Jim and me and Sara stayed there that night
together as a family. It was wonderful.
The next day I had to give Sara back again. So I did.
Jim had gone to work and I was alone. So I cleaned house noticing things
were missing. Not my things or Sara but of Moms and Johnny's. There
wasn't much left here of theirs What was going on I wondered as I looked
around.
Then I found out. Maggie backed into the driveway, with Moms station
wagon and began loading it up.
I could of died. What was I gonna do now? Without Mom and Johnny I
couldn't afford this place by myself. And without this place they wouldn't
let me see Sara. There was nothing I could do.

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" You could help load Mom and Johnny's things they need!" Maggie
informed me. So broken I did. Without a word I loaded and Maggie loaded
until the station wagon was packed full. The trailer was near empty; except
for Sara and my room.
When Maggie left I went into our room and cried laying on my little bed. I
knew no good would come of this. I just didn't know how bad yet.
I called Counseling associates and tried to make an appointment to see Dr.
Sunderman, so I could tell him what was happening, but the receptionist
told me that I couldn't see Dr. Sunderman. I really didn't know why as yet.
Jim called after work and I told him all what happened and that I couldn't
live here anymore. He told me to gather my stuff and come home then. So
I did.
When next time to see Sara came I went in the van and waited for
someone to bring Sara. I waited almost an hour and was there early so I
knew I hadn't missed them so I just kept waiting until...
Maggie pulled in with Moms station wagon. She ask " What are you doing
here?
" Waiting to see Sara." I told her. To which Maggie remarked...

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" They are not gonna bring her here! The electricity is off. That reminds
me...Give me the key to the trailer. And seeing as you have nothing better
to do; help load the rest of Moms stuff there hardly anything left but I have
already done a load and I'm worn out." Maggie informed me. So I helped.
After Maggie left; I sat on the front porch. of the now empty trailer and
wept. Thinking about the last visit when I took Sara for a ride in her stroller.
I took her down the muddy road and back to the front porch and pushed
her around and around the porch. She leaned her head back with a smile
and gave me a kiss. I knew right then she loved me too. Then I went back
home to 707.
Next thing I know I'm in court fourth time Sara was two and a half years
old now. The court ask Jim to step out that this would be a closed hearing.
It was then me against a whole courtroom of people. About sixteen or so in
all. Counting the social workers and all.
They brought Sara in and handed her to me. I held her and she played
with the van keys. That Jim left in my hand to let me know he would be
right outside waiting for me.
After about five minutes Mary contrary came took her from me. I was
trying so hard to be strong and not cry that I forgot to get my keys to the
van from her as Mary carried her away.

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Then in court I heard this...
Sara deserves a chance to have a normal life.
The judge ask the people what did they think and ask Sherry did she think
that I would comply. She freaked me out when she looked away from me
and turned her head away saying "No."
Then another lady was ask her opinion and she said " I know she loves her
little girl your honor but this just scares me!"
The judge looked at me and still ask nothing of me and I didn't want to yell
out showing I couldn't control myself saying what I wanted to say " I haven't
done anything wrong! I done everything I was told to do! Give me back my
daughter now! I command you in Jesus name!"
Instead I heard the judge rule " We hereby terminate your parental rights.
I jumped up and leaving the courtroom I finally spoke up
" Fuck you all!!! God is pissed!!!” I flipped them the bird and left.
When I got out I seen Mary with Sara and a couple. I ask for my keys.
Kissed Sara on the forehead. Going outside, before I done something, to get
arrested. I was enraged! I took more than most could even get near to
taking. Now it was over. Sara was gone forever. I felt like I was gonna pass
out or die. I didn't know which. I headed toward the van and on my way
there was a trash can and I threw away all the paperwork in my hand.
Jumping in the van I told Jim.
" They terminated my parental rights!"

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" What was their reason?" Jimmy D ask confused.
" They said Sara deserves the chance for a normal life and that I wouldn't
comply!" I done everything I was suppose to do it aint fair!"
" No it is not. That stupid bitch ruined everything." Jimmy D said.
" I don't understand why that one woman said " I know she loves her but
this just scares me." What in the world could of scared her about letting me
have my daughter back. What they should be scared of is taking her from
me. I done nothing wrong!"
" Well, I know you didn't. What do you want to do now?" Jim ask.
" I don't know!" I cried out.
" Come on, lets go for a ride. We will go pick up Panda and go somewhere
and get away from all this krap." Jimmy D offered and I accepted " Sounds
good to me I can't believe this!"
" Me either." Jimmy D concluded and we went home and got Panda and
we stopped and got a case of beer and headed to the woods back on top
our mountain. I sat on the ground not speaking and drank like I was born
drinking. Soon I was super buzzed or drunk and I said " I give up! I don't
want to live here anymore, I want to go to heaven."
" Na girl, you can't just give up. Think about your sons. And even Sara will
need you one day. She can find you when she is eighteen. "

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" What would I want to do with an eighteen year old girl that I neither
raised nor know. " I ask then.
" She will always be your daughter! No matter who raises her." Jim
continued.
" Yeah but she won't be who she would of been if I would of raised her. She
was gonna wear boots and blue jeans with her name on the back of her belt.
And I was gonna write songs and have her sing them. I was gonna teach her
to be a little lady. Now She is gone forever."
" Not forever babydoll." Jimmy tried to make me feel better. But the only
thing that made me feel better was when I passed out. All I know is Jim
carried me in the house and I slept till the next morning.
When I awoke Jim was gone to work but he had left me a sweet love note
on the table next to the coffeepot. I read it while I drank my coffee.

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Dear Wife
I love you. Everything will be alright.
Take care and be good and I will see you tonight.
Your Husband Jim
I gathered myself together and started going through all the paperwork
that I had saved throughout the last two and a half years. Minus the last
ones where my rights were terminated. I began to read everything trying to
piece together what went wrong and what I could of done differently. I
couldn't see how they legally took my daughter from me, when I did nothing
wrong.
One piece of paper that read " Sister called Counseling Associates stated
that her sister Lori said she was going to marry Jesus and that she was going
to sacrifice her daughter" I didn't find that until about six months after the
last court date.

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When I found that paperwork I called Mom and ask her to come see
me. She and Johnny came. I showed her the paperwork, but she just said
" Who said that? I never heard anything about that!"
" Maggie did Mom! Look there " I pointed it out " Sister called Counseling
Associates saying sister Lori said that she was gonna marry Jesus and that
she was going to sacrifice her daughter."
Mom didn't believe me, even though it was right in her face, on paper. Or
she was in denial; but now I knew what the lady was scared about. Oh my
God! I would never hurt my little ladybug. I adored her. Besides why would
Jesus want me to kill my little girl that was a crazy accusation And a lie! And
sacreligious! Jesus is the only sacrifise we will ever need he paid the price
on the cross.
Now it was 2007.
One day when Jim and I went to Paris to go shopping first at Wal-Mart
and at the grocery store. At Wal-Mart I took a little longer than Jim. So he
said he would wait for me, in the van with Panda.
I was in line to pay when from behind me a cart went by that caught my
attention A woman was pushing a cart with the prettiest little girl I had ever
saw. I was gonna say " Pretty baby."

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But out of my mouth came " La La".
All of the sudden the little doll looked at me and said pointing her tiny
little pointing finger at me said " Mom."
It was my Sara!!!!!!! She said Mom!!!!!!! Sara had never said that before!
Immediately an older woman,; that was walking beside the woman that
had Sara slapped Sara's hand. And told her " No!" Real mean like.
Sara pouted, sticking down her bottom lip dropping her head down. I
responded the same there was nothing I could do. I would get arrested.
They went two lines over and paid to leave. I paid glancing over at Sara
as much as I could to make sure she was okay. When I got outside I went to
the van and told Jim...
" I seen Sara!"
" It probably wasn't her. How would you know she's gotten bigger since you
last seen her." Jimmy told me trying to calm me down noticing my
trembling hands.

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" No it was her she called me Mom!" " Hey there they are! I will be
right back." I ran out of the van and Panda followed me. Toward the little
car ( Which I had noticed that the woman put Sara in the backseat.) When I
was walking quickly, up to the car, the fake mother, seen me and put her
face in her hands and shook her head back and forth. Like she couldn't
believe her eyes.
I went right to Sara door and opened it and said " Sara!"
Sara looked up and smiled and blinked her eyes in acknowledgment of me
and then of Panda.
" You still remember Panda!" I told her then " I love you! See you soon!" I
shut her door and went back to the van.
" See I told you it was her."
" Well maybe it was? Let's go get groceries and head home, okay?" Jim
said and I agreed mind now racing thoughts in my head . This was a set up.
They are gonna give my daughter back to me. Is what I started thinking.
And to make that worse; when we got to the grocery store, they were
there! Jim went in the store. I was sitting in the driveway with Panda when
they pulled in the Paris grocery mart. I got out while they were getting Sara
out of the back ,of the car, and began to carry her, into the store. I hurried
up just in time to say to Sara " I can't go in I'm smoking and Panda can't
go in the store." The two women didn't say a word to me. The door shut
behind them and I jumped back into the van with Panda.

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" Panda! That's our Sara! They are gonna talk to Jim and give her to
him so I can have my daughter back finally. Thank you God!!!!" I said
delusional.
When Jim came back he didn't have Sara. But I didn't say a word to spoil
the surprise. I thought they were gonna follow us to our house and give us
her there. All the way home I was quiet and watching, out the rear view
mirror, for their car. I didn't see it, but was sure they had talked in the store
and Jim had told them the way to 707.
When we pulled in they didn't. And they didn't show up that night nor
ever after. Day after day I got deeper and deeper into myself and out of
reality. Waiting for Sara to return. Drinking and smoking more than ever in
my life.
707 on 7-7-07
I cleaned house perfectly. Today was the day Jesus was coming back!!!
Everything that had been taken from me, would be returned including Sara.
Also; since Jesus was coming back, so to would come Donnie my brother in
heaven, my Grandma and even Kevin DeWayne Hedrick whom I lost when I
was sixteen and have never stopped loving. I told him when he died that I
would love him forever and I will.

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While Jim was at work I worked myself to a frizzle. My cousin Autumn
came by for a few and I told her some of my thoughts.
She said " Sweetie, Jesus isn't coming today."
" Yes he is he comes on the seventh trump and seventh seal and seventh
vial." I told her and added " That is today!"
" No one knows when Jesus is coming baby." She then said
" I do." I told her
" Have you been taking your medicine?" She then ask.
" Nope! I don't need it!" I told her.
" I think you do. Your saying things that don't make sense to me." Autumn
then finished.
" You will see!" I told her and hugged her goodbye. She left, to go see my
Mom, on the mountain.
But Jesus didn't come. And Sara didn't come and neither did Kevin or
Grandma or Donnie. Just Jim after work and he didn't have much to come
home to. I was really out there.

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Still yet Jim took care of me the best he could. Everyday. He even
stopped working in the oil field because he had to be home with me every
evening so he got a job not far from home at Shwarts Stone.
December 2007
Jim and I went Christmas shopping. Paris Wal-Mart. I was hoping to see
Sara again. But I didn't. Jim bought something for all my boys, and Mom
and Johnny and even Andy's wife Michelle and Nike Tommy's ol lady. Willy
was too young to have a girlfriend he was just nine. We got the girls a
gingerbread house and the boys some gloves and hats and I went through
my pictures of them as babies and little boys and it was a good Christmas.
2008 came I made no resolutions. I wasn't' gonna change a thing. I
spent all my life sober and not drinking hardly ever. I had been going to
Counseling Associates every two weeks for over an hour at a time every
since 1997 till 2006 when they took Sara. I quit all that then with " Fuck
everything! I'm not going to see my Doctor and I'm not taking that stupid
medicine either!" That was my resolution to it all.
" We will see how it goes?" Is all Jim knew to say about it. He never
knew me off medication. And I was sick when he met me. Sick with a
broken heart.

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He tried all the time to keep me happy, and if that meant drinking al ot
and smoking pot that is what it took. He started calling me Penelope
pothead. Even though I have never chased a joint in my life. He was not a
smoker ,nor a drug dealer, but he had a friend that could get it. So he made
sure I had what I wanted and needed.
We drank a lot together. At home mostly, sometimes we would ride
around on the mountain and visit with Mom and Johnny. I thought I was
gonna pull through but I was wrong...
By November I was so sick I didn't know it. Again I was thinking any
day Jesus would come save me. And that was almost all I could think about.
One day I was staring into the sky and talking to God. I ask " Can I have her
back little as she was taken?"
" THAT IS NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK." Came to my spirit.
I started talking to spirits that seemed familiar I felt moved to play with
them. I heard in my head like telepathy.
Kiss the bear. So I kissed the giant bear I had tied to the tree.

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Throw the chair as far as you can. So I threw the fold up chair into the
pasture outside the fence of our yard. I threw it very far.
Then I felt moved to play Red Rover. I felt spirits all around me on my
side of the fence and I looked out into the pasture and out loud said " Red
Rover Red Rover send Grandma right over...
Red rover Red rover send Donnie right over...
Red rover Red rover send Kevin right over..."
As the days went by I had begun to hear and feel spirits around me that
acted and seemed like my Grandma, and Donnie and Kevin. I talked out
loud to them while Jim was at work. I began to believe; that Jim would turn
into the man I have always loved Kevin or Jesus.
So every time Jim would come home I'd be expecting to see him
change into looking like Kevin or Jesus.

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Each time he looked like himself I didn't understand. I just waited patient as
I could. With a little disappointment every evening when he again was Jim.
Eventually that month I was no longer eating or sleeping. I had become
psychotic and didn't even know it. I started to believe Jesus was in Jim and
so when I cooked for Jim I was cooking for Jesus. Everyday entertaining the
spirits around me. One day I was outside and was told by the spirits to just
let it go.
I had to pee so I just let it go. I peed all over myself. Apparently I was on
my period because the next thing I heard was " Touch it here touch it there
put the evidence everywhere. So I slapped my you know what with my
hand and now it was covered in blood. My baby making evidence I slapped
here and there all over the kitchen floor and table and refrigerator Then I
heard God say "NOW CLEAN IT UP."
So I did.
I jumped in the bathtub that was full of cold water,fully dressed and
rolled over in it. I dripped water all over the house from being soaking wet.
Then I mopped the floor... Just then Tommy showed up and seen me
through the open living room window. And he winked at me and smiled as
he seen that I was dancing with the mop.
He knocked on the door and I opened it with " Kevin?"

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I thought souls were playing hide and seek with me and I didn't know whom
was whom.
" Can I come in?" Tommy ask now confused.
" Yes." Then I realized he was my Tommy. I talked out of my head to him
something about Kevin being his Dad and Andy's and Willy's and Sara's. He
didn't know what to do so he pacified me with " Whatever you want
Momma."
He stayed a very little while and then hugged me with " I'll bring the baby to
see you tonight okay?"
" Okay, that will be great!"
I thought he meant Sara. Still not registering that I was a Grandma now.
That he and Nike had a baby girl 7-14-07.
When Jim got home; I was at first afraid to open the door to him. I had
him locked out. He said at the door " Hey let me in, it's me Jim."
I didn't answer I thought it was the devil in disguise.
Finally he said the magic words " Lori I love you please let me in."
So I did now thinking again he was Jesus.

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That evening Tommy and Nike came by they brought Maddisson. She
was tiny and beautiful. I thought it was my baby girl wrapped up new as she
was taken from me. Tommy realized this quickly and said holding her close
" No Momma this is Maddisson your granddaughter"
I tried to give her a heart shaped Jewry box. That I was saving for Sara.
It was one my Dad gave me as a little girl. Tommy said " No Momma she is
too little you keep that. It is yours."
So I did. They left and a few more days of craziness went by...
It was not yet Thanksgiving but it was getting close.
11-14-2008
Jim called and I told him what I was doing. I don't know now. I don't
remember. He has told me since; that I was talking way out of my head; so
he came home from work early. That he had called my Mom, to go check
on me till he could get there.
Mom and Johnny came I was telling Mom that we were gonna see Donnie
and Grandma soon. ( She told me later when I got well that I also was
talking to my cat rug,. that I had have since I was ten years old. Donnie got
me when he was in the Army. I remember I thought one cat was me, the
other was Kevin, one was Donnie and the man in the mirror on it was God.

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Jim showed up, he came in and had a bottle of wine. I poured me a glass of
wine in my long stemmed wineglass. Mom and Jim were talking and I seen
Johnny sitting in the car alone.
" I'm gonna go see if Johnny wants to come in?" I said and left them.
Going outside Johnny smiled and kind of looked concerned at me.
" Why don't you come in brother? It is cold out here." I said as he opened
his door. Johnny stood up saying " It is not that cold."
Just then a very strong wind came blowing on me fiercely it was freezing
cold. I tried to hurry Johnny in with " Hurry Johnny it is freezing!"
" I'm not cold I have my coat on." Johnny said and was walking slowly
toward the house. It was freezing me out and I tried to climb into Johnny's
jacket with him and still had my wine in my hand. It spilled on his sleeve.
" Knock it off." Johnny said then still heading toward the house.
Mom came out then and ask "What are you doing Lori? "
I told her " Trying to hurry Johnny in it is freezing cold out here!"
" It' s not that cold Lori." Mom told me, but I had never been so cold in
all my life. The wind was going right through me.

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The next thing I know is Mom told Johnny " Get back in the car." and she
started up the stairs. I was right behind her; cause immediately I heard
" She's gonna touch Jim and they will both get you! So I ask her " What are
you doing?"
Mom said " Going to get my stuff."
I reached for her hair to pull her away from the front door. My glass broke
on the rails of the stairs as I did. I pulled her off the stairs and hit her in the
stomach still holding the wineglass to strengthen my hand. I held it
sideways by the stem and hit her with my fist, when I hit her she fell onto
the wood pile. I hit her again in the stomach to keep her down. I was on
top of her and I climbed up and looked into her eyes. I seen her pupils were
very little in the sunlight. So I climbed off her and went indoors and began
wiping blood prints all over the floor. Somehow I had cut my wrist pretty
bad.
Jim seen and grabbed the toilet paper and quickly wrapped my wrist
and then went to see what happened. I had about as many bloody hand
prints on the floor, in the kitchen, as I had that day when I heard leave the
evidence.

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Next thing I know Jim is driving me quickly to his friends. Not knowing
what to do with me. He first thought about hiding me out for awhile. I was
in the back seat and him and Mike were talking.
Next thing I know they drop me off at Tommy and Nike's house alone. No
one was there, but the door was open.
Next thing I know... my younger brother Chris and Tommy were there. I said
something to them about taking care of two dragons. Chris told me later. I
didn't remember then I was totally out of my mind. The next thing I recall is
a cop came tazed me and took me to jail.
I was there naked, thirsty and confused and freezing for four days. I never
once went to sleep. On the second night there I heard whom I thought was
Kevin though it didn't sound like him ( It had been so long since I had heard
his voice that I took for granted it was him.) I felt it standing tall in front of
me with it's back up against me saying " Hold onto my back and I will fly you
outta here." So I held on but didn't let go until I heard louder in my head "
Your hurting me!" I let go and fell head first off the top bunk onto the
concrete below. When I landed I thought ( Hmm I should be facing the
other direction from that fall. Plus my neck should be broken or at least
hurt somewhere. Something helped me. Thank God. The cops ended up
putting a thick rubber mat down on the floor. If I would of died that day
everyone would of thought that I had committed suicide for all you could
see is me lean over and drop off head first to the floor. I didn't get any sleep
until on the fourth night a man walked in and said " Do you trust Dr.
Sunderman to give you a Zyprexa so you can get some rest?"

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" Yes " I told him sitting Indian style on the top bunk of the jailed
I had no mattress and no blanket and wet black and white jumpsuit that
smelled like ten men had peed on it. That is why I was naked.
That night I slept for the first time in weeks.
The next morning five women gave me a shower and they loaded me in a
cop car and took me to Little Rock State Hospital. But I had never been
there before, I was taken somewhere in the forensic part of the hospital;
locked behind many, many doors. I forgot first they took me to a court
house me in handcuffs and feet cuffs and a chain around my waist When
the judge came out she looked like Judge Judy. So I said out loud in court "
Hey Judge Judy!" They took me then to Little Rock.
So there I was the first month I don't remember anything. The second
month I was coming back into my own mind. That spirit that had been
making me bend my back and stand still left me and I seen my roommate
bend over and stand still just like I was doing. Whatever had me, had her
now. Weird.
I didn't remember Thanksgiving.
But Christmas was hard. I talked to Mom on the phone as soon as I was in
my right mind. One of the Staff that worked there gave me a phone card
and told me " Your fiance sent this for you."
So I called Mom...

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" Mom I'm sorry. I never want to hurt you. I love you." I cried as I
spoke.
" Don't worry. I don't even need to forgive you. That wasn't you." Mom
told me. She ask how I was doing and I said Okay. We talked a little longer
and I felt a lot better afterward Thank you Momma.
My hair was a tangle of a mess, it was long enough it reached past the
middle of my back, but now it was so tangled and braided into tiny knots
that it looked like a bun. The nurses kept telling me, I needed to go to their
beauty shop and get that fixed. That it looked bad. So I went... They ended
up taking five minutes to whack it off my head. I hated my haircut. I wish
they would of took a few minutes and untangled it somehow. Instead my
hair was now to the top of my neck. Like a short bop. Come to find out that
they spent two hours braiding in long hair on Yamean; a black girl that was
there because she tried to kill her two year old son. I was locked in with
Murderers, child molesters, thief's and all of them crazy it was very
dangerous to be there is all I will say. As I write this it is now March 2016
and I still have bad dreams about being institutionalized. It's horrifying.

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January 2009 I was use to getting to go back home, to my family, after
about thirty days . But this time there were charges against me. So I had
to stay; till I went to court about it all. I also had to talk to a forensic lady
that tested my sanity at the time of the incident they found me to of been
out of my mind at the time. But now was ready for court.
Though Logan county wasn't in any hurry to get me to my hearing. I was
at that crazy horrible place trapped with the worst of the worst for eleven
months. I cried everyday to God that I was there. He comforted me always
but still I wanted to go home.
Jim came seen me as often as he could and sent me clothes to wear
and other things that they would let me have. Such as spending money and
phone card. I never went without. Jim called me four times a day. Early in
the morning, after lunch, after work then right before bedtime. He kept me
from becoming a drooling mess, that might never would of made it out of
the hospital. God knows. Because to be able to stand all the stress there
without him I would of had to be over medicated. I might of never made it
out alive. But knowing my Father in heaven; somehow I would of made it, I
thank God and Jim for being there for me. I knew everyone in my family
loved me and that comforted me too. But they all had to live their lifes
without me for awhile.

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Jim didn't hardly recognize me on the first visit. It had been about two or
three months. I don't know ;all I know is I went from 92 pounds and kind of
long hair to 162 pounds with super dorky short hair. I couldn't see what he
seen in me. But he never gave up on me. A day didn't go by without at least
four calls from him he was the highlight of my every waking moment.
I made a couple of friends there one eyed Willie and Big Tim. We
played checkers a lot and some other games. But the best thing that came
out of the whole thing was; they finally found the right medication for me.
Or whatever.... That evil spirit leaving me helped immensely.
One day while I was on the payphone talking with Jim, Ya mean grabbed
the phone which was still in my hand and she tried with all her might to
slam me in the head with the phone. My arm stayed straight up; not
nearing my head, as she had planned her attack. She was mean to allot of
people. She got a shot, in the behind and put in the quiet room, as she had
done sometimes many times a day. I told Jim what happened.
" When are they gonna let you out of there Babydoll?" he ask.
" Soon as I go to court I guess." I told him
" Well what is the hold up?" Jim ask.

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" I don't know the people that work here, told me the other day, that Logan
County was sure taking there time on this."
I never got bothered by Ya mean again she stayed her distance from me,
from that day on. I found out why they took so long on her hairdo. It was
because that was her therapy; because that was the only time she was
good, was when they fixed her hair. ( Maybe I should of been mean. Maybe
they would of got the tangles out of my hair instead of whacking it off like
they done.
I definitely didn't get a fast and speedy trial. In fact I was there eleven
months when the staff finally told me to get ready for court that I would be
leaving tomorrow that Logan county only had thirty more days in which they
could trial me.
The next day a cop came and took me to the Logan County Jail. Where
I was to wait for my court date .
I was put in a jail cell this time not alone but with another girl. I can't
remember her name but we got along good. Sometimes our cell would
have up to eight women at a time crowded up with mattes all over the floor.
But they were short stayers me and my little friend were long timers . The
other girls would come and go in a day or two.

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Visiting time came and I was called out to the visitation room.
I waited in the chair where there was a glass wall and a phone on either
side. I sat in the chair and bless my soul. Jim walked in and sat opposite me
and picked up the phone so I did too.
" Hello there babydoll. Are you okay? Are they treating you right?"
" Yes, I'm okay, this is a lot better than the State Hospital."
" I miss you." He told me.
" I miss you too. Have you heard from my kids are they alright?"
" Yes, they are alright. They just want you free." He told me.
I teared up and Jim put his big hand on the glass. I put mine on his through
the glass. It looked like we were touching and in a way we were.
" Be strong." Jim told me.
" I will." I said and wiped my eyes dry and washed my tears all over my
face. I kissed my hand and blew him a kiss and he returned it with an air
smooch. Then we said goodbye. Our time was over.

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Back to my cell. We were let outside for a little while everyday in a small
high fenced with barbed wire on top. To get some fresh air. The lady jailer
told me that I was so different from the last time I was there. She couldn't
believe the difference medicine could make.
No longer was I naked or crazy. But instead quiet, shy and very co-
operative. I would not even take a shower till all the others were done and
out of the shower area. I didn't let anyone see me naked.
When I was naked before I was too sick to know it. I didn't even know I
was naked. I didn't feel naked when the lady jailer had ask me to put my
clothes on; back then, I just looked at her like I'm not naked.
I didn't see Jim on visitation days anymore. I just read books and
wrote him letters. Sending them in the envelopes that some church women
had given me on their visits with us. I sent them to 707 Nichols lane.
He had put twenty dollars on my book and me and my roommate had a
candy party. Thank you Jim. I never got a letter back. I made me a
calendar of days and realized I was there for forty days before I got took to
court.

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I can't remember my long-timer friend ,that I celled with that forty
days. But, I remember I felt sorry for her; because she said she was going to
do time in prison from here; hard time. I thought my hard time was near
over. I had just done a year of a living nightmare at the State Hospital
Forensic Unit. But I was wrong this was just the beginning I found out soon
enough. Little by little.
911
In Court it was September 11th
2009. The judge was the same one that
had taken Sara from me. He didn't seem to want to convict me. But the
Prosecutor told him I would just have to go to Counseling Associates. So I
was equitted and was made what they call a 911.
Put on probation for five years. I cried as I heard the verdict. It wasn't
over still.
Back to jail after court. Just to be returned to the State Hospital
Forensic Unit. Apparently it wasn't an easy thing to leave, where they were
keeping me. The first night there someone called my name. I left the Ward
from where I was watching Sheperds Chapel. To find out that Jim had called
and wanted to talk to me. My heart began to pound within my chest as I
said Hello?

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“ Hey there sweety. Long time no see. I'm sorry I didn't come back to see
you while you were in jail. I just couldn't stand to see you in there.” Jimmy
D told me to my delight. He wasn't gone forever; not yet anyways.
“ I sent you some letters.” I said wondering still why he hadn't written back
to me.
“ I never got a letter. I moved from 707 about a month ago. I'm staying
with a friend for now. Our landlady said you are not allowed to come back
there when you get out. So I left.” Jim informed me.
“ Oh, I see. Why won't she let me go back home ?” I ask not understanding.
“ She is scared. Her brother is bi-polar and she doesn't even allow him to
go to her house. He won't take his medication.” Jim told me.
“ Oh, I see.” I confirmed. Feeling bad I don't want to be scary to anyone.
“ All my friends tell me to let you go. That you could have stabbed me.
But I love you. I am not afraid of you. I miss you . I want you home with me
where you belong.” Jimmy D spoke to my broken spirit and I was listening
with all my heart and soul.

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“ What happened in court and when will you get out of there?” Jim then
ask.
“ They equitted me and made me a 911. I'm on probation for five years.
Also I have to do daytreatment three times a week. But what the treatment
team told me, is that I have to go to a place called Birchtree. A group home
for six to eight weeks then I can go home.” I tried to explain what I really
didn't understand.
“ When does that start?” Jim ask.
“ I have an interview with someone from there this week. Treatment
team said if I pass the requirements I would get to go to Birchtree then
home from there.” I told him what they had told me.
“ Well if we can handle being apart a whole year. We can sure handle six
to eight more weeks.” Jim said giving me strength.

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“ Thank you! My Jimbodene! I love you.”
“ I love you! We will be okay.” Jim said then he gave me a number for
a phone card he had got me. He is so sweet and caring.
August 26th
2009 I had to be taken to the hospital. I had a bleeding
polyp and had to have a colonoscopy. I was in handcuffs all through the
whole deal. A cop watched me during the whole procedure from about
fifteen feet away or so. When I was in recovery, a nurse came in and told
me “ Lori Justice? “
“ Yes”
“ Your son Andy just called he said tell you that you just had a grandson
named Ethan. Congradulations!”
“ Thank you.” I told her and finished recooperating and then was taken back
to the Forensic Unit.
The next week I met with a woman and did an interview. They
accepted me for Birchtree! So September 16th
2009 I was finally out of the
State Hospital.
Some lady picked me and my belongings up and took me to Clarksville,
Arkansas. I was so much closer to home sweet home. But still miles away.

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Birchtree Communities was a small establishment where disabled
people like me stay for awhile. Till they can get out on there own. It is a
grouphome. With much staff workers and Therapists, and Case managers.
I was shown my room, when I first got there. I had a room mate
named Christine. She was a big woman. All I could do was hope she was
not mean. The room was large and there were two beds and two dressers,
and four closets. Two for her and two for me. Immediately I could tell it
was better than the State Hospital. For now I could go outside anytime I
wanted. That was nice. Also I could smoke. I hadn't smoked in over a year
but only because I couldn't. I wanted a cigarette every day. Stress is hard.
Jim came after work the first day I was there.

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Dear Diary
September 2009 9-18-09
Jim just left. Wow I love him so much! We kissed and held each other so
close and intimatly and super romantic. I never felt so loved by a man in all
of my life. He brought me some candy, coffee and mate, my cowboy hat,
notebook, the cat rug, cigarettes and lighter and some pictures of everyone.
Except him. But he brought some film and we had a nice girl named Kathy
take some pictures of us together. So when we get it developed we will
have a picture of each other. Tommorow morning he is bringing Panda!
It is gonna be a beautiful day.
As was tonight. I'm falling so in love with Jim. Thank you God for him
and my family and Panda.
Today earlier I went with the Birchtree van and everyone to the library. I
checked out four real good books. But I don't feel like reading anymore
tonight. I'm just gonna put on my jammers, climb in bed and hold his shirt
and daydream about him till I fall asleep. I hope I'm with him in my dreams
tonight. My side of the room looks good with the cat rug, pictures taped by
my bed on the wall. Jim grey taped the tears in my cat rug and made it look
good as new. Thank you Jim. God bless us to be together, even closer super
soon in Jesus name I pray. Amen.

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P.S. Zzzzzzzzzzz
I miss my family.
9-19-09
Today Jim came over about 10:30 am and brought Panda. It was a
beautiful reunion. We ate lunch together and Panda got her share of pork
chops; she cheered way up after she was here just a little while. I showed
her my room and she checked out with everyone she came in contact.
Not barking once she was very friendly and good all day. Jim is coming back
over in the morning and said he will stay till 9 pm. I wish we could make
love. I miss being with him, he turns me on so much with just a kiss and his
touch. Maybe we can find a place to hide together tommorow and not get
caught. I hope so I need him and I know he needs me. It's so hard to be
here away from everyone! But I'm so much closer than I have been for
more than a year.
Jim is going to get me a phone then I can talk to the boys and to Mom
and Johnny, and Jim. That will help so much! Thank you Jim I couldn't
make it without you. I can't wait till we are able to live together again. I
miss being home with him so much.

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9-20-09
Today Jim came over about 2:30 and stayed till almost Six. He said the
altenator belt broke and he had to go back early enough to fix it so he could
drive the car tommorow. He said he was coming back tommorow too. We
had a nice visit even though we had very little privacy. Everyone here likes
him and like to talk to him which is cool.
Maggie told me she died yesterday on the phone, how scarey. She said
she didn't remember anything, but that the Doctor said she was clinically
dead for three minutes. I told her all she needs to do to be saved is ask
Jesus to forgive her for her sins, and I told her that I forgive her. She said “
Okay.” I'm glad I got the chance to tell her that. I hope and believe she will
do it. I talked to Nike. Tommy and her and Zachary her son and Maddisson,
might get to come see me this Saturday . Tommy wants me to see how big
his baby girl is getting.
Man I miss him and them! I hope Mom and Johnny and Panda come
too. My day would seem not to be worth greeting if it weren't for my loved
ones. I stay in my room a lot so I don't have to be around anyone here.
When I smoke I find a spot off by myself. Most thing I do is think about
everything.

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9-21-09
Today started out better than usual. I didn't wake up sick to my
stomache, for the first time in years. I got my good morning call from Jim.
Today I found out that someone at the State Hospital named Guila lied
about being here for six to eight weeks, that I was apparently looking at
more like about nine months. That is what my therapist Ron Bush informed
me.
It broke my heart but I can handle nine more months I don't know about
Jim. When I told him; he told me “ It will be okay, we will be alright and that
he didn't want anyone else.” We'll see; whatever is meant to be will be.
In daytreatment we just all talked for about thirty minutes and drank
coffee. Daytreatment wasn't so bad. It did kind of suck to be locked out of
the dorm from nine am till three-thirty. Jim came about 4:oo and ate
supper with me at the picnic table. We have a date planned tommorow
night. In the car in the rain- I hope it works out and we don't get seen.
I haven't heard from Mom in a couple of days, she may call tonight and I
might of missed her call I know she is worried about Maggie, no doubt.

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I understand that it's hard to lose a daughter. I sure hope she gets well I
can't imagine the other. My poor Tommy he loves her so much and the
whole family is having to see her so ill. I haven't seen any of it. Maggie
knows I forgive her about Sara and I told her I love her today when Jim let
me use his phone. He rode his motorcycle today and had to leave at almost
six, so he could fix the car and feed Hershels horses. I love him so much.
He looked so cute all dirty from work, he smelled good too. Man I hope
we get to be together. We have not been able to make love for more than a
year. Soon we will be able to leave here for a date. We might just wait till
then. I just miss every part of him and want to make him feel good.
P.S. I hope Tommy and them get to come Saturday. If not they will come
soon. I haven't seen anyone except Jim in over a year. Now I have two
grandchildren. One I seen a couple of times and one I've yet to meet. My
grandson Ethan.
God please bless it in Jesus name I pray amen.

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9-23-09
The other people here and I all went to the gym. We just drank coffee.
And smoked cigarettes outside. Nice quick outing. I got what they call a
fast train job at birchtree. Dissinfecting doorknobs three times a day.
There was a lot of doorknobs there. But I didn't mind, a little excersize was
good for me plus the fifeteen dollars a week helped.
The next day Jim was off work. He came at 6:20 am and brought me
cigarettes and had a cup of coffee with me. Plus a hug and some kisses...
Good Morning.
9-22-09
Jim didn't get to come. Tree down on Hershels house after working
late. We had a thunderstorm with 60 mph winds. Jim called to make sure I
was alright. It took him three calls till I woke up and answered; it was ten-
thirty pm. It was an awesome storm.
P.S. The treatment team said I have to get an apartment and prove I
can make it on my own for at least six months before I get to go home with
Jim. Bummer but oh well I can handle it.

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9-23-09
Mom called she is overwhelmed. ( Dear God please help her, Maggie
and Chris my brother he loves Maggie so much. Tommy and everyone in
Jesus name I pray.) amen...
I haven't heard from Tommy yet. I hope everything is okay with him. Jim
said he would go by and get them Saturday. I hope they at least Tommy and
Maddisson come and Panda.
Jim and I have a date Friday night. I hope we get to be together alone.
9-24-09
Good day. We did art and I went out to eat Pizza at Larry's with Faith
my case manager. We had a staff meeting for my goals with Pat the main
man, Faith and the Nurse. My goal is to get married and spend more time
with Jim, my family and Panda. I'm trying to see if Panda can stay here and
be our mascot that would be awesome if she can. I will find out soon. Jim is
gonna be here after work, about five oclock. He just called and told me.

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They are trying to make it where we have our own rooms and so Jim and
I can have privacy times. I hope they hurry; it hasn't happened yet. I want
him all the way. I miss being one with him.
Jim came on the motorcycle. He said tommorow night will be our night
together. I can wait. I'm not horny I just miss him and want to be as close
as possible. We kissed though and it was good. I love his kisses.
Tommorow Jim said; we will call and see if Tommy wants him, to come get
them, for a Saturday visit. I hope all goes well; between them and Jim. They
need to treat him good because he treats me good. I hope Tommy's alright
he hasn't called yet.
Andy said he would use his GPS travel scanner and come bring Willy and
Ethan when he gets a chance to get over here. He is sending me some
pictures.
I haven't talked to Dad yet since I've been here. Don't really know when
was the last time I talked to him.
NOW
Surrounded by people now, so different than before; going places, doing
things, more than ever. Still getting to hold Jim. Need more. Which will
come with time and patience all will work out just fine. Seperated from
many loved ones. Holding onto hope; for our future and clinging to
memories of times past. A happy new beginning coming soon. In Jesus
name I pray.

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Goodnight.
9-25-09
Yay!!! Friday.
Tommy called this morning they are gonna come see me tommorow.
Yeehaw! I'm gonna take some pictures. Jim is coming tonight between six
and seven pm.
Jim came at a little after six. We went and sat in his car. I had found
two white rubber bands I already had mine on my married finger. I gave
him his and he put it on his married finger. We kissed and made out like it
was our first time together. I wore a dress on purpose and when it got dark
and no one was around I sat on his lap underneath the steering wheel.
I laughed if anyone sees us I can just say your teaching me how to drive.
We made love right there.
Wow it was beautiful!

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Saturday 9-26-09
Tommy, Nike, and Zachary and Maddisson and Jim came. The kids
spent all day with me. Jim stayed and him and Tommy got along good.
Jim was here about an hour, then he left to go do some welding at Hershels;
then he is coming back to spend late evening with me. It was a beautiful
and perfect day.
I can't say how happy it made me, to visit with Tommy and his family. I
have missed them so much. I took pictures and Jim said he would get them
developed for me. My heart was singing a song....
Skip ed de do da day...Thank you Lord for making him for me!
Jim didn't get to come tonight but that's okay. I loved seeing him earlier
today and him and Panda will be here tommorow. Yee haw! He called and
we talked awhile it was a good talk. He told me how much he loves me and
it is; as much as I love him-that is awesome!

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Sunday 9-27-09
Woke up at six thirty-eight but didn't get out of bed till Seven-thirty. Jim
called about fifeteen minutes till Eight am. He said he was having a hard
time waking up too. He said him and Panda will be here about Three pm
and stay late.
It was a little later than that when he got here and he didn't get to bring
Panda this time. He said he ran into Scotty Brown in Fort Smith and they
had a cook out. We had a cook out today too, hamburgers. When he did
get to come we made love again in the back seat of his car and he kissed
“his boobs” it was hot and good. I'm so glad we can be together again.
Well; all is well and I'm gonna go eat my hamburger and drink my tea and go
to bed. Tommorow is back to classes for me and back to work for Jim.
Thank you God Goodnight.

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Monday 9-28-09
Woke up 6:30
Got up ten till seven. Jim called and we said our good mornings. Today I
was in Nigels class twice at ten and eleven. Re-learning how to shop and
prepare healthy meals. Then we went for a walk on the trails at the
Clarksville park. It was a pretty good day. There was a garden, at the group
home and no one was taking care of it. So I ask my Therapist if I could pick
the tommy toes off the vines before they wasted he said yes. So I picked
them all that were good gonna give them to Momma.
Pat ask me if the book I wrote had anything to do in it about bi-polar.
I said “Yes” Maybe they're gonna help me get discovered. Cool huh.
I just talked to Jim he is coming tommorow night with Panda and giving
Mom the tommy toes from me. He is so sweet.
Tuesday 9-29-09
Today was a good day. I got to call Author House and Xlibris. Found out
I still owe 299 on the production of my last book entitled “ They didn't
believe her... Until” So I called and ask Judy my step-mother if Dad could
invest the money for me. She said he was napping call later so I will.

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Jim called “ Good Morning.” and he called around 3:oo pm. He didn't
know, if he was gonna have to work till 5:oo pm.if so he wouldn't be able to
bring Panda but he said he would still come see me.
To Jim
Your love amazes me
Your soul captivates me
When you hold me I know
I'm loved and in spirit
we are always together
when we make love
I've never been so free
before you the women in me
was never touched
I was lost within as a child
So I know true love is ours
I have never had that before
Thank you sweetheart for everything you do for me
But mostly thank you for loving me

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I'm yours forever if you will keep me
I know you said you will
I'll be so proud when we marry
But in God's eyes and mine
You are now and since we met
the husband I prayed and waited
for so long.
Still tuesday 9-29-09
Jim and Panda came and visited for an hour and a half. Beautiful, happy and
fun. Jim ate; I was too excited to eat. Then we walked and I showed him
our names inscribed on the rock; I had done earlier today after class. When
he left I sent Mom the tommy toes and a pic of me.
Neal(a staff member) told me while Jim was here that we could leave
together now for off campus visits-yee haw! So Jim made a date for this
Thursday. It will be a fool moon. So romantic. I love a fool moon night.
While Jim and Panda were visiting Panda caught a wishy on her nose. So I
made a wish for her; that me and her and Jim get to get a home together
soon.

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P.S. Jim said Mom and Johnny might come this weekend to see me.
I hope so. I miss them so much.
Wendsday 9-30-09
Half-way through with the week already and tommorow is art day.
I started my period this morning “Waaa” Well maybe only five to eight more
to go till apartment time. Today my Therapist Julie said that I was high
functioning and that would help me get an apartment sooner. I wonder
how soon. I was sad about starting my period because of Jim and my first
date away from here but this morning on the phone when I told him he said
“ That's alright” I love him so much he made it all better.
P.S. That reminded me of when I told Marc (the seed of Sara)perfert,prick
when I was in love with him ;I thought anyways. That I couldn't come see
him that weekend. And when he ask me why I said “ Cause I started my
period.” To which he said “ Okay see you later then.” He was a jerk that
was why I cut all my hair off back then because I was sick of men. That
didn't stop them all from flirting with me though I recall......anyways....
Talked to Mom and Johnny on the phone and Panda too. For quite
awhile it was nice. Mom is sending me a comforter-that is so cool I was
wanting one. Thank you Momma.

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I got my first 15 dollar Wal-Mart gift card today. From working my fast
train job. I meet with Liz my 911 monitor next tuesday- hopefully that
weekend I'll get an overnight pass!
Jim said since I get to stay later on the date than we first thought that
we'd do it Friday instead so we can go see Uncle Junebug and Grandma
Daisy that'll be nice. I can see the doll she has that looks like Sara. I hope it
is not cloudy so we can see the full moon.
Octobler thursday 10-1-09
It was another good day. Cloudy but not cold. Art day I made Grandma
Daisy a card from me and Jim, and taped a heart shaped rock( that I found
today) onto it. The class ,went to the library and I re-checked out the book I
had “ Prophecy of ancient Israel” by J. Jindblom.
It looks like it wants to rain 80% chance. But it hasn't yet. I think it is
just blowing away it's 7:oo pm and no rain.
Jim just called he ask me “Do you still love me?”

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“ Yes! Very much I love you more everyday!”
10-1-09
There was an 8 point earthquake in Western Indonesia then a Sunome
at Sonaoma and American Sonoma yesterday it was on the news.
Earthquakes in divers places, famine , war and rumors of wars, pestilence
and disease. Yee haw Jesus is coming soon!
Man that was beautiful it rained for a few minutes which washed away
the dark clouds. I was laying in my bed when I heard Jesus say “ Come
outside and look. I started to stay and just do it in spirit. When I heard “ For
real” so I got up and went outside. I was looking for the full moon and seen
in the night. A silver lined cloud and watched, as immediately; the cloud
moved, out from in front, of the almost perfect full moon-It was awesome!
Thank you Jesus! It was beautifull I love you. I love you God and Thank you
Holy spirit.
Friday 10-2-09
Good day a little longer than usual so far. Jim and I are going on our
date tonight. He got here at 6:30. We drank a cup of coffee together here
and I opened my presents he brought me candy, tweezers, hair clips, cigs,
batteries and the radio alarm clock that I was wishing I had. Thank you Jim.

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We first went to Wal-Mart to get the film developed, then to Lake
Spadra park. We sat on a cliff of rocks overlooking the water. The moon
was full. We kissed and hugged and talked.
Jim turned the radio on in the car and we slow danced. He is so
romantic.
Then we went and picked up the pictures and I got to try to win a
Raggedy Ann doll. I didn't win but it was fun trying. Yum first Dr.Pepper I
have had in over a year. I only drink soda pop very occasionally but it was
good made me think of Johnny. ( He loves Dr.Pepper) Then we went back to
the group home. I went in and made us another cup of coffee. Then we
kissed and hugged goodbye and he made a date with me, for tomorrow
night. He said we will go somewhere and be alone and make love. I had
stopped bleeding so that was good timing.
Very nice date. I'm thinking about taking the kitchen job I was offered.
I think that alarm clock, that I didn't ask for; but got, is a sign that it's the
right thing to do. Plus Jim agrees it is a good thing and I can pay for my book
to finish production and get a laptop eventually. And like Jim said “ It might
help you get into your apartment earlier and we can get married earlier.”

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Saturday 10-3-09
Woke up to krap rap. Thanks to Jim I was able to drown it out with my
radio headset. I wasn't able to go to sleep till 3:oo am this morning. So I
napped after Jim called this morning till 11:20 when Jim had called again.
I didn't get to talk to him the phone didn't work. It's one-fifeteen and I'm
waiting for him to call. It is pretty warm but not hot.
It's been a pretty rough day today with Tracy screaming all morning and
noon. Also Gwen confronting me over nothing I did; because of her illness
she yelled real bad at me. After awhile she apologized that helped some.
But I was so tired of being surrounded by sick people. I wasn't sick anymore
and that makes it harder.
Jim called and we are going out. Yeehaw! Bless his heart he mended
mine again. On the phone while we talked, he comforted me from today's
stress and tonight were making love.
We are back from our date. It was perfect he kissed me in the
moonlight and told me he loved me over and over. We made love in the car
and it was awesome we came at the same time. It was a beautiful night.
Before the night had ended he ask me” Will you marry me?”

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“ Yes!” I answered with tears in my eyes.
Tomorrow Jim and Panda are coming to see me. Goodnight.
Sunday 10-4-09
Well it rained so far all day. It finally quit at 4:oo pm. I don't know if Jim
is bring Panda or not yet. We both were tired and took a long morning and
evening nap. Jim just called we were taking a shower and washing our
clothes at the same time. We would see how we feel afterward. It's getting
kind of cold outside. There is no smoking indoors here. So I always sit
somewhere by myself to smoke.
Mom called she said Panda hasn't been outside all day. So she wouldn't
mind getting out in the rain to see me. She said she seems depressed.
It hurt so bad not being able to explain all this to her. I talked to Panda over
the phone and Mom said her ears perked up and her eyes looked better.
Jim didn't come; but I understood, he had to go to work early and I had to
get up for classes in daytreatment.
I called Tommy and gave him my number. I feel so much better now that I
heard his voice.
Jim called and we talked till we got sleepy then we said goodnight.

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There came a song at around eight on the radio that was saying...
Let's run away home...We are going home...On our way back home...made
me cry myself to sleep.
Monday 10-5-09
Got the job in the kitchen, don't know when I start yet though. I will find
out tomorrow. Speaking of which Jim just left, he brought me cigs and
made a date with me for tomorrow for 6:00 pm till 8:30 pm. He held me on
his lap and it felt so good to be close to him. Man I miss those loving arms
being around me every night. This Saturday we get to be together from 9
am till 9 pm. Unless he has to work still we will get 8 to 12 hours.
We are going to the storage building. Jim has kept all my stuff in, since
he moved from 707. Just to get what I need. Then we are going to where
he is staying at Hershels. Where I hope we can make sweet love. Like I bet
we will tomorrow night. I need him now and forever.

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Tuesday 10-6-09
Got up at five-thirty. Practicing getting up early... so I can work in the
kitchen. Today I won 12 dollars in a guessing game. Mom just called at four
pm we talked awhile. Her electricity was off; it came back on before we
hung up. I told her we'd come see her Sunday. I'd like to see her and
Johnny and Panda.
I told her I was afraid Panda would try to follow us when we had to leave
and she said “Just make sure she is in when we left and she should be
alright.”
Best news of the day, my first weekend pass is this weekend. Jim can
come get me six pm Friday and keep me till nine pm Sunday. Yee haw!
And we are going on a date tonight to Lake Spadra park for a couple of
hours.
The night was beautiful. Jim and I sat on the bank, of the Lake awhile.
Then at the picnic table, it started to rain a little and we got in the car and
made love it was perfect. He called when he got back to Hershels to let me
know he made it safe, now I'm going to bed.
Thank you God for everything especially for love. Goodnight.
In Jesus name I pray amen.

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This place was like being in prison without bars. If it wasn't for my loved
ones the mountainside off in the distance is where I would have ran away
too. I would of just became a wilderness woman and live off the land. But I
stayed where I am loved. And where I love. Close as I can to my family and
pets.
Wednesday 10-7-09
Day okay! Evening roommates fighting over coffee. I just went to my
room and then outside for a cigarette. It ended okay.
Suppertime Jim came ate with me. We had chicken strips and mashed
taters, roll, corn and applesauce. Jim gave me cigarettes; he always made
sure I didn't go without anything. Then we sat in the car and talked awhile,
then he walked me back to my dorm door and we hugged and kissed
goodbye. He said he may come tomorrow; but I kind of don't think so 100%
rain tomorrow and next day. But we will get Friday, Saturday and Sunday
together!

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Thursday 10-8-09
Art class was fun. We got paid our monthly allowance of 60 dollars. The
rest of our check from disability went for room and board here. The
weather was wrong it is sunny, bright and hot. Jim's working late he said he
will call me again later and see me tomorrow.
I talked to Mom she said Maggie has Lou Garrets disease and something
else. She wanted to know when I was gonna come see her; hopefully
Sunday. I just hope Panda don't get confused by it. Hopefully she can ride
with us and see Jim drop me back off here so she don't go looking for us.
Jim called said Saturday we will go to the storage building. Then to see
Mom and Johnny. That we would take Panda with us. That we will call
Andy and schedule a time to see Willy and our grandson Ethan. For Jim and
I are one and what is mine is his and his is mine. In God's eyes and ours.

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Thursday 10-8-09
Couldn't sleep at all; too exited about tomorrow. Stayed awake and
watched the storm. Thought about seeing Willy, Andy and Ethan. Mostly
thinking about someday being home again and getting my life back.
Friday 10-9-09
Fun Friday just played Monopoly for two hours then had lunch. We got
back in the dorm early usually we were locked out till three-thirty or four.
Today it was at one-thirty so I took a shower, packed and curled my hair
then slept for two hours. Was awakened at four-thirty by Tracy braking the
kitchen window.
Jim got here ten till six pm. We got my medication and signed out and
left. On the way to Hershels I ask if we could go by and look at 707. Jim said
yes and we did. It looked so good to me made me cry a little. Made love
that night it was wonderful. Slept in Jim's arms all night. He said “ You
know how long it has been since I got to hold you like that? It felt good.”

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Saturday 10-10-10
“ That was the best sleep I had in more than a year.” I told him.
“ Me too.” Jim added.
We had awoke at the same time. Got up and had coffee with Hershel. I
made breakfast sausage, eggs, fried biscuits and gravy. It was easy and they
said it was good.
Then we went and visited Mom and Johnny. Panda, Jim and I then went
for a ride. He took us to a place he likes to go when he rides his motorcycle.
It was pretty. Then he took us through the drive-through to eat. Panda and
I had chicken and taters Then we went to visit his Grandma Daisy and that
was nice. She is such a neat lady. Then we went to see his Uncle Junebug.
He gave me a jar of homemade jalapeno peppers.
When the day was done we took Panda back to Moms. On the way
there Jim said call Mom and tell her we are bringing back her grandoggy.
When I did she said “ Oh goody!”
Then we went back to Hershels and I rolled two packs of cigarettes.
Then I showered and so did Jim and then of course we made love.
Then I gently scratched his back and he fell asleep and then so did I .

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Sunday 10-11-09
We got up at 8:00 am and drank coffee. Went picked up Panda and
headed to Heber Springs to see the boys. On the way we ate, talked and
went to Wal-Mart. We bought Ethan a pretty blue bib that said
“ Thank God for little boys” I got the bible for Willy and gave him a picture
of me and Panda, and one of the Tommy Justice family.
When we got there Willy came out to greet us. He had grown two or
three inches taller. Since I last saw him more than a year ago. He gave me a
big hug and shaked Jim's hand. When the door opened Andy was holding
Ethan. He is adorable. I told Andy. And I always tell the truth so help me
God.
Willy and I played Wii baseball and golf it was fun!
Then Willy gave me and Jim some cantelope that he grew. Then we fed the
rines to the horses. I love horses.
Andy then made us some coffee while I held Ethan. Jim held him too.
When I gave Michelle (Andy's wife) the baby Andy gave us our coffee.
We sat at the kitchen table in their big nice house. I told the boys that Jim
and I are gonna get married as soon as we could. I want you all to be there
if that would be possible. ( Andy is a Professional Engineer and very busy)
But he said with a wink “ I'm sure if your getting married we will find a way
to be there.”

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Andy told Jim “ Thanks for taking good care of my Momma.”
“ Well it isn't the easiest thing in the world but I love her.” Jim teased Andy
with that and a wink and nod. Soon we left after I got a hug from Andy and
two hugs from Willy. He shook Jim's hand like a big man. It was so cute.
While I was putting Panda back in the car Andy ask “ How old is she now?”
“ Seven years on Valentines Day.” I told him. We said our goodbyes.
On the ride back Jim said “ Nice visit.”
“ Yeah it was. Thank you for bringing us up here.”
“ No problem. I'm glad to see them too.” Jim said back.
We got back to Mom's and had to leave Panda. I hugged and kissed her
and Mom and Johnny's cheek and we headed back toward Clarksville.
When we were almost there Jim ask “ Did you remember your medication?”
“ Krap no!” I said dreadfully.
Jim didn't get mad he just went back and got it and took me back after
stopping for coffee and mate and hairspray. It was a beautiful weekend.
I forgot to mention the pretty waterfalls Jim showed me on our ride.
I noticed Mom had a purple lighter so did I.
Main thing I want to mention is Jim got me a cellphone!

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Monday 10-12-09
Drizzled all day. Not too cold though. Mom called said Ethan was very
cute but not as cute as Andy was as a baby. Same thing I thought.
Tuesday 10-13-09
Class was good today I'm learning a lot about my illness bi-polar. Also
learning how to recognize early symptoms ;so I hopefully never get sick ever
again. It is a terrifying thing to be out of your mind. It is like living in a real
nightmare. Seeing things and hearing things no one else can see or hear.
We loaded up in the van and made a trip to Wal-Mart I got me a phone
card and some mascara. With my Wal-Mart gift cards I'd saved up.
Wednesday 10-14-09
I talked to my treatment team today. Pat the administrator. Faith my
case manager. And the therapist Julie today about getting to leave with Jim
every weakend. So I could spend more time with my Fiance and getting
married and going back home. My threrapist Julie said “ It sounds like a
good idea.”

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She told me she would talk to Pat. She told me to talk to my 911 monitor
Ceseli next tuesday. God be for us on these things in Jesus name I pray
amen.
Tomorrow is library day and Art day!
Jim was gonna come see me after work and stay till nine. But he had a
flat and didn't make it till seven. We went to Lake Spadra.
Talked awhile and made love. Talked some more about everything.
Then he dropped me back off. He ask “ Do you want me to walk you back?”
“ Na, I'll go check in.” We kissed goodbye for now and he left.
His face was very neatly shaved. He is so handsome! I am falling more
in love with him everyday.

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Friday 10-16-09
Free day! Got to get the dorms open at one.
2:oo Doctor apt. Brain scan took about five minutes will know the results
Monday. I'm going with Jim at 3:00 pm tommorow till Sunday night-we
have until 9 pm to get back. Jim called to check on me he said he hadn't
heard from me yet- that was because I slept from one till he called at four. I
feel rested and a lot better. Tracy is back she is driving me crazy screaming
all the time like she does, oh well I talked to Tommy last night he sounded
like he was fine. I hope so. Jim said we could watch the races that'll be cool.
Maybe we can go through the storage building too so I can get back in my
boots. I miss them. I've wore boots all my life that's part of who I am. I
have been stuck in sneakers since before Thanksgiving of 2008. That is not
me.
Just talked to Jim 7:14 pm he said I sound a lot better and that earlier I
was slurring my speech and he was worried about me. Jim has helped me
through many ceasers. Talked to Tommy earlier at six or so he sounds tired
and said his back hurts my poor baby I ask him did he pray he said yes. I am
glad and relieved. Jesus save my family in Jesus name I pray. Amen!

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Saturday 10-17-09
Jim came got me at 300 pm. We went to the tobacco shop and he got me
some cigarettes. Then we went to Hershels. We stayed up till about 9:30
watching the races then we went to Jims room. Jim fell right to sleep
holding me so close. While he slept and I watched Jimmy Johnson win the
race! Then I fell asleep when we woke up the next morning we smiled at
each other good morning love and had coffee together.
Sunday 10-18-09
I made all of us breakfast because Hershel said make yourself at home and
ask me to. After we ate Jim and I went to Moms and after a little visit with
her and Johnny we took Panda for a ride driving down country roads. She
sat on my lap most of the trip. We found the Artisien well it was beautiful.
Then we went to Hershels again. Hershel showed me how to make
koolaid pies I made two. Cherry and Lemon they were good. Then we took
Panda home, then Jim took me back to the group home. It was a beautiful
weekend. I love Jim so much we made love before he took me back.
Perfect as always. Love makes sex divine.

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Monday 10-19-09
Well two thirds done with this month. It's going fast. Had Nigels class
today talked about excersize and health. In the dorm early today at two.
Met with 911 monitor and ask if I could have every weekend with Jim.
Didn't get every weekend but rather once monthly with two weeks notice
first. That upset me but Jim said “ We will be alright and will enjoy whatever
time we get together. He is right and we get long holidays!!!
Jim told me that him and Hershel just watched two ducks hatch out of the
incubator. He said he liked it that it was cool and he want to get some
chickens when we get home. That will be fun. I love taking care of animals.
I mainly can't wait to get Panda back with me and be home with Jim. It is
hard to be apart like this.
Wendsday 10- 21-09
Went to Pat's depression class it went pretty good, didn't get too sleepy.
That was the only classs I had today. Nigel went home after lunch sick. So
free day spent time with my case manager named Faith. I have to spend
time with her pretty regular part of my deal. She has to get so many units
on me a week. She is nice. I like her. Jim is coming to eat with me then we
are leaving here for a few hours. Going to Hershels to see baby ducks. I
thought but while I was writing he called and said he had to work late so he
doubts he can come tonight so I let big Christine have his plate at
suppertime.

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Jim said he is coming tommorow night rain, snow whatever happens he will
be here cause he said “ Four days apart is enough!” That he misses me I
miss him too! He is tired gonna shower and go to bed me too.
Thursday 10-22-09
Art day and library. Fast day. Jim is coming at 4:30pm. Chedcked out a
book at the library entitled “ City of God the coronation.” Good book!
Jim came at 4:30 as he said; when he knocked on the door, I opened it and
we hugged hello. We went to Wal-Mart got a phone card came back and
ate together in the kitchen. That was nice of Birchtree to let me have a
guest at supper for free. We had pork chops and stuffing and applesause
and I also had a salad. Jim don't eat salad. Then I showed him my paintings
He said they were very good;then we said goodbye, until tommorow; when
were going on a date.

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Friday 10-23-09
Jim came at six thirty pm. Went on date got tobacco, donut,cheetoes,
and made beautiful love after we talked for over an hour. He has to work
tommorow so I don't know if he is coming; but he said Sunday we can take
Panda with us and drive around and look at the leafs changing colors. Also
he said we will get Panda some mineral oil for her dry skin. He is so sweet
and handsome ! I'm so in love with him and always will be.
Saturday 10-24-09
Jim worked awhile today then rode his motorcycle. It's 6:15 and I
haven't heard from him yet so I guess he is still riding. I don't blame him it is
a beautiful day. Might be the last pretty day this year. Next weekend I get
to be with him we are gonna watch the race. It's the big one! We both love
Nascar. We are spiritually a lot alike in many ways. I felt one with him
since our first hug. His spirit just felt so right next to mine.
7:20 pm Jim just called and ask was I mad at him. I told him I would only
get mad at him for cheating or lieing to me. Tommorow him and Panda are
coming!

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Sunday 10-25-09
Got up at 6:30 am by Yolanda banging on my door accussing me of taking
her cream and sugar that she took from the kitchen. I told her I don't steal
never have never will. That was that she left me alone.
10:25 Jim is on his way to get Panda, then come over here a little while
then we are going to Hershels for however long we can. I haven't ask Neal
yet. When I ask Neal he said” We could stay till eight pm. “ But we neither
one were feeling good. Came back at 3:30.
We went to Mc Donalds and Jim got me and Panda chicken sandwiches
then we went to Lake Spadra and laid on the grass together. Then we laid
in the car together because it was chilly. Jim fell asleep for a very little
while. It was nice being with Panda and Jim I love them so much can't wait
till were back home together.
Jim had to go back kind of early so he could fix his bare tire before work
tomorrow so I said goodbye to him and Panda for now. I'm glad we get next
weekend together.

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Monday 10-26-09
Dad called ask me to pray for Jackie my half brother. I did.
Jackie is in operation to cut out all the cancer it is a seven and a half hour
operation. God be with him in Jeus name I pray. Amen.
Tuesday 10-27-09
Got the EEG done. Was sleepy all day because I had to get up at four
am. With no coffee so I would be sleepy for the test at the hospital. So I
found me a hiding spot on campus out of sight of everyone. I had many
hiding spots at Birchtree. I needed much time alone. Everyone trusted me
at Birchtree and knew I would not leave the grounds. Although I can't say
how sometimes I just wanted to run away. Head for the hills and
mountainside I coud see in the short distanse away from me. But I have
family gotta stay put not run away. So I stayed in my prison without bars.
Wendsday 10-28-09
Sunny finally, started my period hopefully it is over by the weekend I
miss Jim. One of my teachers said today “ One thing I know about Lori is
she really loves and cares for her boyfriend and fiance.” That is so true!

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Thursday 10-29-09
Art day! I drew my youngest son Willy a giraffe. We got rained out of
getting to go to the library today. Had a nice kissing date with Jim. Man it
was hot; and good. We first went to Wal-Mart and I got a phone card so I'm
gonna call Tommy.
Two classes today. Pretty day, Dad's birthday. I get to go with Jim
tommorow morning until Sunday 9:00 p.m.
Jim came got me at ten in the morning we went to the store. Then we
went to Moms and seen her and Johnny, for a few minutes, then we took
Panda and went to Hershels. I gave Panda a bath and put the medicine on
her that Jim got for her and put on her flea collar. Made fried chicken,
bisquits and gravy for supper. And two lemon pies. Hershel called them
Kool- aid pies when he showed me how to make them. Jim and I sat next to
each other at Hershels bar and we all visited. We were watching t.v. And
the incubator when Hershel ask me to c-section them that it was time.
So Jim carried the eggs outside to a truck tailgate and placed them there
so I started opening them gentel as I could. Out of ten two made it. The
others were already dead. It was kind of grose to do, but fun saving the
two. One duck and one chick.
Then after we put the duck and the chick, in a safe pen. Jim and I went to
bed and made sweet and passionate love to each other.

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Sunday 11-1-09
Woke up at seven am. Made tators and gravy and drank coffee with Jim
and Hershel at his bar, in the kitchen. After breakfast Jim took me to go pick
up my youngest son Willy. Jim took us to Mc Donald's and bought us all
breakfast. Willy and I thanked him and we enjoyed our breakfast together.
It was nice seeing Willy it had been so long since I had seen him and been
able to spend some time with him. Then we went to the Russelville City
Dam.
Willy found scissors and a knife! I found a hook and string with a
hook on the end it even had bate on it! I tied it to a stick and Willy fished
with it for while. That was fun. Jim skimmed a rock almost good as my Dad.
So Willy and I joined him skipping rocks across the water.
Then Jim sat and watched as Willy and I see sawed and swung on the
swings. Slid on the slide and rode the tire swing. All of which Panda rode
with me. Then we took Willy back home. To Andy's whom got custocy of
His little brother when my ex his dad went to jail in 2008. Then Jim and
Panda and I went back to Hershels. Jim and I cleaned out the refrigerator
together it was easy. I made two more pies both lemon this time. Then we
took Panda home to Moms , then me then Jim.

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Good weekend except three guys fought Tommy. But he is okay. Thank
God!
Monday 11-2-09
Day went okay-Had one class, Rons. Got in dorm at two thirty. Slept(kind
of) till 4:30. Woke up to Tracy bitching loud. She is moving soon thank
goodness. She stresses me out. Being around sick people is hard
exspeciallly when your not sick. But whatever must be; must be.
The EEG came back normal buy they are sending me to a Neurologist. Jim
said he is coming to see me tommorow! He said the moon was full and
pretty.
Tuesday 11-3-09
Nigels class
Watched a movie about “ The lost boys” really good show. Jim didn't get to
come after work; at Hershels, made it too late. Jimsaid he will come here
straight after work tommorow; so we can have more time together. I am
glad I have him to look forward too. Even if every now and then he can't
come. He said something got the two babies I helped hatch, in the pen.
Sad.

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Next Monday I go see the Neurologist.
Wendsday 11-4-09
Jim and I went on an hour date, to Lake Spadra. Sat on the grass together
looking at the stars. Then we made love, came together as usual. It was
beautiful. When I got back the clock read 7:07 It makes me sad I wish I'd
quit seeing 707. I miss the way it was. I love Jim so much and want to be
home with him and Panda. But I will keep my head up! Forward march!
We will be home someday.
Thursday 11-5-09
Art day and visited with Faith (casemanager) pretty good day.
Talked to Mom, she said Maggie's going in the nursing home and has
everyone except my aunt Lorece mad at her being her self serving self.

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I talked to Panda, on the phone and Mom said she knew what she was
doing laying there listening to me. I told her “Daddy will come get you not
tommorow but the next day. And I washed her dress and she can come see
me at the dorm and I got that medicine for her...” Mom said Panda got up
then, she was done talking. Panda is so smart and cute. Best dog in the
world. My other daughter. She also is whom I think about when I hear the
song the most beautiful girl in the world. I love her so much and miss her.
Thank God for Jim or there would be no visits with me and Panda, Willy,
Andy. Tommy came here to see me! Hopefully; he will come to Hershels
to see me on the 13th
or 14 of November or maybe we can go see him. I
hope so. I'm gonna call Jim now.
*** A physiciatrist in the army killed 13 army people here in America.
Because he didn't want to go fight in the war.

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Today Birchtree took us to the park. We were walking on the trail that
people walk on and this poem came to me because of what happened.
Was it her?
I think about her often
she is rarely off my mind
when she was two
I seen her and I knew
from across the room
she pointed and said “ Mom”
for that her tiny hand was slapped
and there was nothing I could do
time past she grew
Now four years old
The other day a couple was pushing a stroller
walking on the Arkansas trails
from a distance
I wondered

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Is it her? No piggy tails
they got closer
she looked like her
big enough to be four
her hair was long
her eyes were blue
she looked like I use to
I looked as they got closer
and said
“ She is cute” wanting her to look at me
then I would know for sure
that it was my girl
but she never looked up
I wish I knew for sure
was it her? To Sara love Mom.
Have you seen her? Tell me have you seen her? Someones song I sing in my
heart.
To sad to sing about her.

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Friday 11-6-09
Long boring day at the grouphome Birchtree In Clarksville, Arkansas.
But beautiful whether. Jim's coming over around 7 pm for about an hour
and a half. He said he can't stay long got to work tommorow. At least I get
to see him.
Jim called back told me he was gonna start coming over on Thursday
instead of Friday on the days he had so much running to do. I told him I
have plenty of cigarettes to last till tommorow, he said “ I don't want you to
be mad.”
I said “ I won't be.” and so he's gonna bring Panda and see me after
work. Yee haw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jim also said he wants to get an apartment suite here in Clarksville. I
think that will be great. He said he'll get one where he can have Panda
there. So I will get to see both of them everyday. And when I get the
weekends off from daytreatment we can be alone together. I hope we find
one fast. Maybe even before Thanksgiving holiday. Because then I can sign
up to spend the weekend at his place. We could be together all day and all
night and wake up together. Bless it God in Jesus name I pray amen.
P.S. Gods will be done in Jesus name amen.

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Saturday 11-7-09
Jim came by on motorcycle he said Grandma Daisy might not make it
through the night and he had to say goodbye. He hugged me real close and
held me up and kissed me several times. I sat on the back of the motorcycle
to see if I'd fit. I did. He brought me tobacco and filtered papers. I have
been rolling my own since I started smoking again.
Jim said “ Grandma Daisy was in bed and she told him “ I'm okay just
tired.”
Jim went to eat lunch with his Mom and his Uncle Junebug in Paris. Then
he's getting Panda and coming to spend time with me. 10 till 1:00 he will
be coming soon. He said about two oclock. I'll be happy to be with him and
Panda.
2:35 Jim just called he broke down on motorcycle Dodie (His friend)
came got him. He's gonna splash off his face and he'll be on his way;
hopefully Panda too.
Panda didn't get to come because Jim said no one answered the phone at
Moms. Mom probably went to see Maggie or Chris. (my sister and big little
brother.)

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Jim's on his way … he said Tommy called looking to work at Swartz
stone. Jim told me he would talk to Bill the boss tommorow. ( Good luck
and God bless Tommy please in Jesus name I pray.) amen.
Jim will be here at about three-thirty. I'll get to see Panda all next
weekend! And sleep with Jim two nights Friday and Saturday! Come back
to the group home Sunday.
Jim came we signed out and went to Wal-Mart and got a phone card, he
already had bought me some candy and chips. ( And don't worry I tell him
thank you everytime.) We sat and talked in the car a couple hours. Then we
laid in the sleeping bag and held each other.
Then we got in the car because it was getting cold. We talked awhile
then we made love. First time I didn't come but it sure felt good. And felt
good to be one with him.
We got back at 7:30
His eyes looked tired when he said “ That got rid of all his stress from the
weekend”. I'm glad I love him so very, very much. He is gonna call me
when he gets home to Hershels. Goodnight.

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Monday 11-9-09
Went to Neurologist and that's all important to say about today.
Tuesday 11-10-09
Had my therapists Ron Bush group today. Then Woman's group with
someone named Sara. Then lunchtime where we all line up outside the
back kitchen door of Birchtree and wait for the church bells to ring out
lunchtime. Wherein soon after the door would be opened unto us and
lunch served beautifully by the staff there.
Then we all loaded up on the Birchtree transportation van whomever had
signed up early morning meeting to go to Wal Mart. I bought two frames
and a lighter and a box of chocolate malt balls.
Jim and are are meeting with the man at the apartment tommorow at
five fifeteen. Jim called and ask me for a date tommorow. He's going to see
his son Adam tonight and I think get my car. Yee haw! He said he might get
it thursday.
Wendsday 11-11-09
Rons class and womens class. I can't stand womans group cause I don't like
the therapist Sara. Jim is coming over tonight after work.

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I'm getting him a supper plate then we will probably hopefully go to
Lake Spadra. We did and we made love!
The apartment sucked he aint getting it. He is gonna check out
Clarksville Real estate probably Monday.
Thursday 11-12-09
Art day!!!
I have a warrant for my arrest but they let me go with Jim anyways. We
are going to Clarksville Budget Inn with Panda! Tommorow afternoon.
Saturday November 11-14-09
Jim came at 2:00 pm. We went to the tobacco store and Freds. Then
we got a nice motel room 222 and ate out. Panda ate a lot of the
hamburger and even some fries. I put her medicine on her and we watched
a couple movies then went to sleep. When we awoke Jim said “ That was
the best sleep I have had since we last slept together.” We got up and had
coffee together.
Sunday 11-15-09
We had a flat so Jim walked and got some fix a flat; and fixed the tire.
Then we got breakfast and went to Lake Spadra for a couple of hours.

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Then he took me back to the group home. Because I was sleepy and he
was gonna talk to Robbie. Our old landlord at 707 Nichols lane. We might
be getting to go home! Thank God!
Monday 11-16-09
Okay day, Nigels health class and woman's group. Cold today gonna get
colder. Jim was gonna go check on my warrant today but he got called into
work. He told them he is not working Friday which will be better anyways
since Pat will be back then.
Jim called after work said “ I'll come get you tommorow right after
work.” I'm glad I miss him right now. I thank God for him being in my life.
Tuesday 11-17-09
News and coffee 10:00 till 11:00am
11:00 Tims Rights group. I had begun to try to get some people here to sign
a petition for the right time for the crime... For all of us got five years to do
as a 911. No matter what we had done from words of mouth to murder. It
did not make sense to me. But everyone was afraid to sign and join me to
fight for their rights. So I gave up and just did my best for me.

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Jim's coming over straight from work! It was cold today. Being locked
out of the dorms from morning till around four everyday was hard. No place
to be warm except the class rooms and I liked being alone. So I laid on the
ground in many different hiding places all over the grounds of Birchtree.
The sun helped to warm me. But the ground was kind of hard on my body.
The concrete was cold too. So I lay in the grass if it was dry. Nature is a
healer of sorts. And being away from sick people helped for I was not sick.
Just in trouble for getting in that fight with my Mom. When the familiar
spirits had finally got to me. I was doing time for their evil crime and it
wasn't fair. But I had hope and faith that I would be free someday.
Jim called said “ Robbie wants to talk to him about 707 Nichols lane. So
he probably won't come tonight; rather tommorow right after work. God I
hope we get to go back home sweet home!
Wendsday 11-18-09
Same ol' day of classes. Jim came and we ate a hamburger at Spadra
park and hugged. I lost my keys to my room at Birchtree. Thank God
though I found them before we left.
Thursday 11-19-09
Art day!!! I painted a picture of Panda. It came out reallly good.

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I hope Jim comes tonight I need to make love I'm stressed out about
being here. They have hinted around that I might have to do the whole five
years here. Jim said we will get a lawyer if so. I think I couldn't handle five
years here. Just the thought of seven more months makes me sick.
My physciatrist Dr. Right said “ Your looking at around nine months. “ So I
will believe in June. Jim aint coming tonight he said “I will come see you
tommorow. I love you my Lori, Lori.” I told him I love him too and we said
goodnight.
Friday 11-20-09
Staff meeting today. Progress made in all groups of goals. Jim got a
turkey for us for Thanksgiving. He is not coming over tonight but
tommorow him and Panda are coming and we are gonna sign out and leave
for a few hours.
Thank God I get to leave Wednesday till Sunday! Sleep study that next
Monday or Tuesday.
Saturday 11-21-09
Jim and Panda came at 1:30 pm. We went to Lake Spadra and I gave Panda
a shower. She liked it. Jim got her a happy meal. She got chicken nuggets
and she ate them all. She loved it!

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We visited till 3:30 and then Jim got me cigs and pringles and dental floss
and candy and detergent and fingernail polish (pink my favorite) and some
remover. He is so sweet. I love him so very much. He is bringing the tent
tommorow and we will get to make love at Lake Spadra. Yee haw!
Jim rode his motorcycle for a few hours then came and we sat up the
tent at Lake Spadra. We watched the sun set. Then we made sweet love.
Then he took me back to the dorm. He returned to Hershels where he was
staying for now. Tommorows Monday.
Monday 11-23-09
Nigels health and nutrition class. Then nothing so I visited with Faith
awhile then lunch. Then the dorm and took a thirty minute nap. Then I
rolled tommorows cigs. Then I stayed in my room most the evening till all
the other woman went to bed and when the living room was empty I
watched some more Shepherds Chapel. He is the smartest teacher I have
ever known beside the Holy Spirit and Jesus. Doctor Arnold Murry!
His words of wisdom and truth gave my spirit the lift it needed. Everytime I
listened to him teach the word of God. He teaches from the original King
James version bible. The true word of God.

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Tuesday 11-24-09
Today was kind of cold. Ron my therapists group. It went okay we all
shared stories about out favorite christmas we could remember. Mine was
when I was about five or six when Mom got me a Baby Crissy doll and
stroller. I loved My baby Crissy! I had her till I was nineteen when a bad guy
I was dating that threatened my life and tried to kill me. Had beheaded her
and painted her face white and I never found her body. Last time I talked to
her I was fourteen years old. I remember telling her...
“Baby Crissy I'm sorry I don't hardly talk to you anymore but people will
think I am crazy. I will always love you.”
Then I had womans group. Boring. Then lunch then Wal-Mart on the
birch tree van. It was slightly embarressing getting off that van in front of
other people in the world. But luckily once out of the van we were all on
our own in the store. Except the ones whom didn't know how to budget
what little money we had. The case managers walked with them and helped
them. I took my oldest son Andy's graduation picture of me and him. I
made two copies and framed them one for Mom and one for Andy. I kept
the original for myself. We look a lot alike, same expression and smile on
our faces. Tommorow get to leave with Jim until Sunday night!

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Wendsday 10-25-09
Day went well. Ron's group; then spent time with Faith had to give the 911
monitor a urine sample so they could make sure I wasn't using drugs and
was taking my meds. Part of the deal with being on probation. Today is the
day I get to go with Jim!
Jim got here at six pm we got Panda from Mom's and I hugged and
kissed Mom and Johnny ( my eldest brother) whom is disabled and the
sweetest man next to Jesus I have ever known. Except for the fact that he
really gripes Mom out when she tries to care for him. That is because of the
brain injury he sustained when the diesel truck almost killed him when he
was twenty-six. Mom is so patient and strong I don't know how she does it
and has ever since she was in her early forties. After we got Panda and
went to Hershels.
Shaylana (Hershels handicapped daughter) Hershel, Jim and I and Panda
all visited sitting at his kitchen bar. Hershel had me give Panda a bath she
loves baths. Then Jim and I and Panda went to his room. We made
pationate love to each other. Good thing too cause I started the next
morning.
Thursday 10-26-09
Thanksgiving day! Jim cooked the turkey and gravy. I made kool-aid pies.
And Jim and I together peeled and made mashed tators. Tommy (my middle
son now 22 years old )and his new girlfriend( that he knew a few years ago)

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came by and visited for a little while. Tommy said “ I got court next week
and I might have to go to jail.”
.
“ Why ?” I ask
“ Some unpaid fines is all. I will probably just do three months or so.”
Tommy told me and Jim.
I didn't sound to happy about it so Tommy said “ Don't worry Momma I will
be alright. I will just come out healthier and buff as hell.”
“ Okay?” I said and was relieved at his words.
That night before Jim and I went to sleep.
Jim and I prayed for Tommy to just get a real job that pays better than be
a self employed mechanic. He is good very good at it but he don't charge
what his knowdedge and mechanical engineering is worth. In a way that is
good but in a way. Not; for he needs more money. It is nice he helps people
who can't afford to pay a sufficient amount; but he needs to get paid what
he is worth .. He has a family to support. And he is the best mechanic I will
ever know. After Jim and I prayed together that night we ended
rythmically as one at the same time “ In Jesus name amen!”
Friday 10-27-09
Tommy brought Maddisson ( My first grandchild born 7-14-07) and Zachary
her step-brother. They all ate turkey and tators and gravy and pie. I loved
being with my family and loved ones again. Jim worked on the car. He fixed

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some of the problem but said “ I have a little more work to do on it.”
So later that evening when the kids left Jim and I slow danced together
again. It was so fun and romantic! I love seeing Jim smiling like that.
Saturday 10-28-09
Jim took me and Panda to go see Willy ( my youngest son now age 13). He
was at his grandmothers house Rosanne. ( My ex-mother in law)
Tommy and his girlfriend were there too when we got there. We had
stopped on the way there and Jim had got a rootbear float and Willy a m&m
ice cream. Panda wagged her tail real fast in the back seat looking at me
thinking she was gonna get a happy meal again. I could tell ;so when I told
Jim that; he bought her some chicken as well. We all visited awhile.
Then when it was getting late so Jim, Panda ,and me, said our goodbyes.
I got hugs and Jim got hand shakes by both my sons. All my sons admire
and respect Jim for loving me and taking such good care of their Mom.
Jim drove me and Panda back to Hershels. We ended the evening
watching television at the kitchen bar. That faced the living room area.
Then as Jim and I sat next to each other his hand holding mine and caressing
me into wanting him and when he seen the look in my eyes . He yawned
and streched and said “ Well Hershel it's been nice but I think we will retire
for the night.”
I smiled raising one brow at Jim and told Hershel goodnight and Jim took

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my hand and led me to his room down the hallway. Panda of course
followed she is and always been right by my side. She follows my every
step. When I go to the bathroom she waits outside the door. But now sad
to say I cannot have her everyday. But soon I will in Jesus name I pray
amen!
Jim and I made crazy love but it was still sweet. I love him and know he
loves me too. He always tells me. I love to hear it everytime. But the best
thing is he shows it in everything he does. Always faithful!( Semper fi )
You see he is a Marine and he is a gentleman and kind. He is my hero!
He has saved me many times. I too have saved him. Literally we both have
saved each others lifes.
Now I have to tell you about that … Back when we lived at 707 Nichols
lane on the bottom of the mountain we had met on; in September 2005.
When Sara had been taken in 2006. When it was 2007 and I had been
institutionalized after getting sick that Jesus didn't come 7-07-07 to 707.
My laungish was so that my spirit became weakened my faith had been
harmed. By my own delusional thinking. But looking back it truly wasn't
delusional at all. For Jesus does come back on the seventh trump and
seventh seal and seventh vial. I just missunderstood that that wasn't a date
but a seal that soon will be revealed at Jesus Christ's return.

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I did thirty days at Living Hope Institution and got rest and ate and got
well and went back home to 707.
So any the wise … At this time I wasn't able to see Dr. Sunderman I don't
remember why. So I went to my regular physician un gonna mention. Told
him I couldn't eat or sleep. Told him what medicine I use to be on which
was Depakote for bi-polar disorder 2500 mg a day. He prescribed Seriquel
5000 mg a day.
That evening at 707. As I was making tuna salad for Jim and I ...I took
my two pills that Doctor had prescribed for at night. Within just a few
minutes I was so dizzy I thought I was gonna faint and I was falling backward
when Jim caught me in his arms. He had been watching and had seen me
take the tuna in my mouth because I thought I had needed food and was
weak and that was what was wrong. So Jim put his fingers in my mouth and
pulled out the tuna. Jim kept me from choking to death on the tuna salad.
Carried me and laid me on the couch in the living room.
I was completely paralized and puking and peeing and pooping all over
myself. I was dieing. I couldn't move. Jim kept my head sideways and kept

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me from choking to death on my own puke. He wiped my nose and mouth
continually. So I could breathe Until I finally quit puking. A roaring in my
head that was all I could hear and everything was in double vision real bad.
Jim cleaned me up as I lay there weak. Trying to come back. I seen him
look so worried. And I couldn't talk yet. But I was getting better; I reached
up and took his hand. I whispered “ Thank you Sir!”
There are two times I saved Jim's life. Once in his dream at 707 that
he told me then was that I was his “ little Joan na varc and in his dream that
I had saved his life.”
The other time is real life event. But it happened in a latter year that I
haven't gotten to yet as per this writing so I will tell you later on …
Sunday 10-29-09
Back to Hershels and to the rest of this story of my life.
Jim and I awoke together around 8:00 am. We drank coffee and visited
with Shalayna and Hershel. Panda never leaving the floor beneath my feet
which were placed on the bar stools bottom bar. About twelve inches off
the floor. Except when she would go to the door and bark once to go out.
Then once to get back in. The smartest dog I have ever known. One of my

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nearest dearest friends.
Hershel ask “ Hey Lori your a little country girl can you c-section a duck?”
“ What do you mean?” I ask not knowing.
“ Those eggs in the incubator are overdo. The shells are too hard see
they are pecking but can't get out. They need help.” Hershel told me.
So I said “ Yes I can try to help them. “
Jim gathered all the duck eggs and I followed him and Panda followed me.
Outside to the bed of a truck that was down.
Jim gently placed them on the tailgate. And watched as I carefully
opened each one. One after one was a fully developed duckling. But dead.
They stunk terribly. But then I opened one and one came out alive and
quacking. It was beautiful! The last three were dead. Jim cleaned up the
mess and I held the quacking darling in my stinking hands. Panda wagged
her tail at this just watching it all.
Before I forget to mention this later on .. That little duck had grown a
beautiful crown upon his head. He was gorgeous!

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Anyways....
It was now Sunday and time for me to report back to Birchtree. So I
said my farewells and thank yous to Hershel for letting me and Panda stay
with Jim. He said “ Your welcome any time young lady!
Your a good cook. And I like to eat. And he laughed out loud.
I joined him and so did Jim. Panda wagged her tail.
Jim drove me and Panda back to Moms and I knocked and heard my
brother Johnny the Great say “ Come in.”
We sat at the table with Momma and Johnny was in the living room, in
his recliner.
Mom ask “ Do yuns feel like a cup of coffee?”
“ I do I will make us some!” I said I love having coffee with Momma.
“ Yeah I'll take a cup there little lady.” Jim replied to me as he watched me
get up to do it.
Then Jim spoke to Johnny... “ Hey there bro? What's new?”
Johnny bright heartedly said “ Nothing.” and he smiled at Jim.
Jim then said “ Hey you like Jeapardy too!”
Johnny whom was champ at it said “ Yes it's pretty good.”
“ Johnny is good at it !” I told Jim and Johnny at the same time.
Johnny smiled at me saying “ I could be better.”

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“ Your smart Johnny! One of the smartest men I know.” I told him then
handing Mom and Jim their coffee, as I know the way they like it. Sitting
down with my cup then.
Mom ask “ How are the people at Birchtree treating you Lori?”
“ They are all nice to me, Momma. I'm doing okay. But I will be glad
when this is all over.”
“ Well be good and do what you need to do to get free.” Mom nicely
instructed. “ I will Momma. I will do the best I can.” I told her honestly.
“ Good girl. “ Jim smiled saying.
“ Yep.” was all I said to that. We finished our coffee and I kissed Panda
on the forehead and told her “ Panda I got to go back to the group home. I
will see you as soon as I can. Be a good girl for your Nana. I love you
Panda!” She licked my cheek once. Then I kissed Mom's cheek and Johnny's
and Jim took me back to Birchtree in Clarksville. It started raining on our
way. We stopped at Fred's store and Jim went in and got me a year's worth
of couph drops. I ate them a lot because they helped me not feel so sick to
my stomache all the time. He also got me some pringles, chocalate
pretzels. When we got to the group home Jim carried my big bag to the
door of my dorm. Then we hugged and kissed. Jim told me “ We will be
home together soon.”

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I signed myself back in at the office and gave my urine sample as I
always had to do upon returning from an off campus visit.
I went to my room and unpacked and washed a load of clothes. Getting
ready for the week ahead.
Monday 10-30-09
Nigels health and wellness. Ron's class. Lunch day went pretty good.
Sleep study starts tonight. I go to the hospital till 4:30-5:00 tommorow
night. When Jim called he said “ I'm coming Tuesday night and we can sign
out and go to Spadra.”
Slept at hospital all wired up on my head.
Tuesday December 1, 2009.
I do have some type sleeping disorder the nurse at the hospital; said I
will know soon what and what can be done about it.
Jim said he was gonna go talk to Robbie the owner of 707 Nichols lane.
I told him it would be better tommorow cause I was worn out and looked
pitiful ( hair glue from eeg) hard to get out of hair. So he is coming
tommorow night. Tommy has court tommorow. Chris ( my big; little
brother) gave Tommy the twenty five bucks he needed for the probation

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officer. Thanks Chris. I pray Tommy only gets fines and doesn't have to go
to jail. In Jesus name I pray. Amen!
December 2, 2009
Wendsday
All of the residents of Birchtree and the staff decorated the program
room for Christmas. I was a little blue at the start wishing to be home. But
it ended up being kind of fun and pretty. Exspecially the tree. The staff gave
each resident a ornament that we could decorate with our name or
whatever for the tree. On mine I put “ Jim and Lori”.
Jim is coming over after supper and I'm glad. I miss him. Tommy didn't
go to court he said “ I will take them two hundred dollars next month and
that would make it a misdemener.
Well Jim is not coming tonight. The CV joint is going out on his car and
he is gonna fix it, then come see me after work tommorow.
Got my glasses today. The eye doctor said I had what they call “
Welders eyes” my pupils had burns on them from looking to long at the

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sun. I should of known better because my Mom always told me “Don't stare
at the sun.” Jim came after work and we went to Lake Spadra.
We made love and talked. When he left he said “ I will come Saturday
early and we will go to the tobbaco store, Wal-Mart and Fred's. Making love
was immensely good. I'll be glad when we are really all the way back
together again. Like at 707. I miss living with him and us being together.
Friday December 4th
2009
Tim's class twice.
Jim is paying bills tonight and gonna go pay Robbie the rent for 707 Nichols
lane. Our home sweet home. I get to see him tommorow. Tommy has got
court next Thursday.
Saturday December 5th
2009
Three arguments in dorm today. There are eight woman that live in this
dorm. Two residents per room. Four big rooms per dorm. A bathroom on
the west end in the hall and one on the east hall. Which is where Christine
and I shared a room. Christine was nice enough. But was Scizophenic and
always was paranoid that someone would get into her locked closet and
take her snacks. I told her “ I have never stolen anything in my whole life.”
Still she checked her closet every fifeteen minutes of the day when we were
allowed in the dorms. She was a very large woman. I'm glad she never

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tried to take me on. Oh she tried to scare me a few times but I never let
myself cowar to her words when she yelled at me. Eventually I gained her
respect. Somewhat. She had even began confideding in me about all the
bad things that happened to her; in her life. I felt sorry for what she went
through it was sad. I can't belief people abuse sick people and take
advantage of them. It is not right. Jim worked on his car all day so I will
hopefully see him and Panda tommorow.
Sunday December 5th
2009
Long boring day. Then Jim came he got the car fixed and got here
around two. He couldn't bring Panda it was too late. Oh well maybe next
time. Anyways, we went to Wal-Mart Jim got me a phone card and
cigarette tobacco and filters. We made quick love at Spadra. I can still feel
him ahh... I think I am almost over my cold. Yay!
December 8th
2009
Tuesday
Staff mistake. Wrong apt went to Doctor 9:30 am. Got back at twenty
till eleven am. Next tuesday is my appointment. Then I had Ron's group.
My favorite group. Good class. Everyone talked about their favorite
Christmas memories. I told them about when I was five and Mom got me
my baby Crissy doll and stroller. That was my favorite gift as a child. I had
her till I was nineteen. When I was beaten near to death by Roger Brown.
Whom also tore to shred's Kevin's brown cowboy snap shirt that I was given

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by my sister Maggie when he died when I was sixteen. He was eighteen.
My first puppy love. Whom I will never cease to love. Roger Brown whom I
call “ Richard” in Searching Jodie's eyes beheaded my baby chrissy doll and
painted her face white. When I got my stuff out of the woods where he
threw all my belongings. After he had tried to kill me and I got away from
him. I couldn't find her body. I loved my baby Crissy. To me she was alive
and real. She was my friend I talked to her often. Now she is gone.
I teared up a little in class talking about this but many comfortors came
to my heart with “ I'm sorry that happened to you.”
“ You will get her back in heaven.” to which I thanked them and said “ I
know.”
I called Roseanne my ex mother in law. She told me “ Tommy will just
be charged with a mistamenor.” Thank you God!
When I told Jim he said “ I will call my friend Dodie and ask him to get on the
internet and find out what Tommy is up against.” He is gonna call me back
when he finds out.
Tommorow is Tommy's twenty-second birthday! I hope Jim comes to
see me tommorow. I found another white rubber band and put it on my
married finger today.
Jim called and said “ It is a Class A mistamentor and Tommy will get

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thirty days in jail and a five hundred dollar fine. That is a relief. Jim told
me … “ I'm coming over tommorow and we will go to Lake Spadra for
awhile. I'm sending Tommy's birthday card with him.
OUR FATHER WHICH ART IN HEAVON
HALLOWED BE THY NAME
THY KINGDOM COME
THY WILL BE DONE
ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVON
PLEASE GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY BREAD
AND FORGIVE OUR DEBTS
AS WE FORGIVE OUR DEBTORS
AND LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION
BUT DELIEVER US FROM EVIL
FOR THINE IS THE POWER AND THE GLORY
AND THE KINGDOM FOREVER
IN JESUS NAME …....AMEN!!!!!!!

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December 9th
2009
Wednesday
Ron's group twice. Rights group and anger management. I get fifty-
seven dollar Wal-Mart card for Christmas from Birchtree. So I can get Willy
and Tommy something for Christmas! I'm giving Andy( My eldest son) his
graduation picture of me and him. Some stranger took of us after we found
each other in the crowd after his graduation. I had it framed. That was so
cool to find him in the huge crowd. I was blessed to be the only one to see
him after his graduation. In fact; I had been dropped off there by my at the
time boyfriend Marc. I didn't have a ride home to the apartment I was
living at then in Russellville with Marc. I would of walked but Andy gave me
a ride. That was so awesome. He drove me around the Arkansas Tech
University grounds in his truck. Celebrating he drove right through the
grounds of the tech. Illegal but we didn't get caught it was fun!
Today is Tommy's birthday! Jim went to see his kids at his Grandma
Daisy's. I hope to get Tommy coveralls and gloves and Willy that robot
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Jim came had coffee with me, in the car. I gave him Tommy's card.
Cause he is free and has much more a chance of seeing my son than I do.
I thank him so much for getting it to my Tommy. I love my family so much.
It hurts sometimes.
December 10th
2009
Thursday
Pat the administrator's class called Depression class. He taught lessons
on how to deal with depression. He is a smart man. And right in many areas
of what he taught. But for me my main hope was in God and Jesus. I so
wanted to be saved set free to be with my family and loved ones again.
Jim gets to come get me tommorow. Yee haw!!!
December 11th
2009
Friday
Jim didn't come get me. He said he has to work till noon tommorow.
Said he was gonna get a kitchenette here in Clarksville so we won't have this
distance problem.
December 12th
2009
Saturday

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Jim is not coming tonight he is going to a seminar tommorow. But he
called Panda and told her he'd come get her to see Mommy tommorow.
And he is going to see Robbie our old landlord. To talk to him about us
getting our home back at 707 Nichols lane. Dear God please I want to go
home. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
December 13th
2009
Sunday
Long boring day. But now it is three and Jim is on his way to get Panda
and come here. He was in Little Rock at a seminar so he will gt here around
five pm. Mom's not home so I won't get to see Panda. Jim is so sweet he
said he will call Mom again when he gets closer to Mom's on way here. I
wish Mom would be home. I miss Panda. But at least I get to see Jim.
Jim and I went to Wal-Mart. He got me a calling card and tobacco and
filters. We first ate at Birchtree in his car. Chicken cor don blue, then we
went to Lake Spadra and made love sweet love.
When I had gotten back to the grouphome Mom had called on our
payphone I was told so I called her back. She told me “ Chris's trailer had
caught on fire and it burned pretty badly. Him and his kids are at Tommy's
trailer, then when she got back home from checking on them she
accidentally hit one of her dogs Sparky with the car; but it just hurt his back
leg. I was glas he was alright Mom loves her animals as if they all were her

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other children.
Monday December 14th
2009
No morning class. Then Sara's group ( Womans group) Then spoke to
my therapist Ron Bush. Talked to Jim on the phone, took meds, went to
bed.
Tuesday December 15th
2009
It was movie day “ Angels and Demons” but I missed it cause I had an
appointment @ clinic. Saw my cousin Bo there. We spoke just long enough
for me to find out his ankle was shattered. I wished him well and that was
that.
Birtchtree had to give everyone there own room to themselves a new
law had been written... Ahhh my own room. Feels nice. As time marches
on things just keep getting better and better. Wish I was home with Jim and
Panda though... Everyday is a day closer to that coming true.

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Me and Ester a nice lady here are talking to our treatment teams about
getting an apartment together.. So far so good; we got a yes all the way up
to the 911 monitor Liz. And court to go. Wow, I don't know what to think
about the door to my room, not being opened every minute. Gonna be
nice. I liked Christine alright but she was loud in everyway. I won't need to
wear earplugs anymore, nore cover my head with my blanket to breathe.
Wednesday December 16th
2009
Got a N1 H1 shot today. Then some of Ron's group. Jim didn't come
but he is coming tommorow after work.
Thursday December 17th
2009
Art day!!! Then lunch, then early in dorm at 2:00 pm. Jim came we
went to Lake Spadra and made love and came back.
December 18th
2009
News and socialization groups. Boring long day. I hope Jim and Panda
come tommorow. Jim went for “ a spin on his motorcycle” at 7:00 pm.
Couldn't get ahold of him all night.
December 19th
2009
Saturday

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Didn't sleep last night till 4:00 am, upset. Sick today. Jim said he can't
bring Panda today that he will tommorow. He stopped by and dropped of
tobbacco and filters for me. He said he went to his friends Gary and
Williams last night. Said he might come tonight if I want him to. I said “ Yes
if you want to.”
A cold front is coming in it's cold outside. We can't smoke indoors but it
sure it nice to at least be able to smoke again. I couldn't smoke at all the
year I was at the state hospital. And man, did that place make you need a
stinking cigarette! I have been rolling my cigarettes ever since I got to
Birchtree and they are much cheaper and way better than store bought FSC
packs they sell nowadays. Over five bucks a pack! It is ridiculous to say the
least. I wonder where all the revenue of all that money goes to...
I got to eat supper. Only ate an apple today and I still feel sick to my
stomache as usual. I have had nausea since I was 23. My only complaint at
the Doctors office over the years been on every stomache medicine made.
Lately I just help myself some with couph drops ( many of them) and pepto
bismo. But I'm still sick. I got to eat something and try to keep it down. I
puked twice this morning. Usually I just have dry heaves. Jim didn't come
but I will see them tommorow maybe hopefully!
Jim and Panda came! We went to Mc Donalds and Jim bought what I
ask for “ a happy meal“ and me and Panda shared it. After that date ended
and Jim took me back to the dorm I signed myself back in peed in cup. Then

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while I was kissing Panda on the head goodbye Jim said “ I will be back
tommorow so we can be together” . And we hugged goodbye.
Me to my room in the group home dorm. Panda to Moms. Jim to Hershel
McConalls. Where was his room.
Monday December 21st
2009
Nigel's health and wellness groups. Lunch at noon. Right after the
sound of the nearby church bells chiming out that it was noon. It was a
beautifull sound to hear. Early into dorm at two-thirty. Jim came by I rolled
him a pack and a half of cigs. We ate fish and fries and beans and had tea.
Then we went to Lake Spadra made love. Got back to group home when Jim
said “ I was right you are starting your period.” So I kissed him goodbye
with “ Well I better go shower and put on a pad. Waaaaa.”
Tuesday December 21st
2009
Couldn't sleep last night till after midnight. I dreamed I was driving a train.
And a old man was walking real slow on the track. So I had to slow down
and stop. Good thing cause the track had run out. I got out to report the
train on the tracks and I had two monkeys, a little baby, Willy, Andy and
Johnny( My eldest brother). When I would say “ boy” the people would say
“ Girl” and visa versa.

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Last night Ester came to my bedroom door about ten pm with “ Lori can
you help me?” She sounded frantic so I hurried up with “ Yes” and opened
my door and found her wrapped in a towel hooked to a strong string from
the towel that was hooked on her nose ring. She said “ It hurts real bad!”
so I said “ Let me grab a cig and lighter” I hurried as did she to the back door
She wasn't dressed only wrapped in a towel. So I stood outside and lit
the cigarette and reached in the open door where she stood in pain.
Ester said “ Don't burn me.”
I burned loose the string and she was free. Next morning we were laughing
about it. She sais she was wondering ….( What is she doing with a cigarette
at a time like this!)
l laughed back what do you do when something goes wrong. Light a
cigarette and think about it.
We had a good morning laugh about it cause it worked out fine.
Today we get our Wal-Mart gift cards. Fifeteen bucks for a week of little
chores on weekdays called fast train job. My job was still disenfecting many
doorknobs three times a day. With Lysol wipes. Helped to keep the germs
down.
Andy and his wife Michelle fed Ethan for the first time last night. Andy
told me on the phone that Ethan ate Rice cereal and drank pear juice. It was

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nice to hear my son's voice on the phone and know that they are all doing
well. Ethan was now five months old.
Wednesday December 23rd
2009
Rons class went well. Then spent time with new therapists named Julie.
Very sweet lady. Then back to dorm. Jim is coming to get me at 5:30.
Packed and ready to go.
Jim came and we signed out for the holidays. We went to Mom and
Johnny's and got Panda. Then went to Hershels. Spent the 24th
at Hershels
and Christmas. I gave Hershel a little elephant for good luck its trunk was
up. On the 26th
we went to Roseannes my childrens grandmother. Seen all
three grandchildren and Andy and Willy. It was nice being with everyone.
Seen Tommy on the 27th
. He came to Hershels to see me and had his
daughter Maddisson with him she was so cute and little.
Then my time was up Jim had to take me back to Birtchtree. We held hands
all the way to Clarksville. Then I went back to my room and he took Panda
back to Moms. Then he returned to Hershels.

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My loved ones were seperated, as far as where we resided; but together
in spirit. Forever. Thank you God. In Jesus name amen!
December 28th
2009
DJ's class twice almost fell asleep in second class. Then lunch, then
sound off ( where all residents and staff meet in daytreatment room) we all
discussed our conserns and whatever we wanted changed or fixed in our
dorms. Then we got let in our dorms.
Jim told me last night that Junebug ( Jim's favorite uncle) is ate up with
cancer and un-conscious. He is going to see him after work today. I wish I
could go but don't have time to ask permission. The administrator Pat was
not in today. For I love Junebug too. I love every part of Jim and everyone
he loves. What is his is mine and what is mine is his. We are one in Gods
eyes. And in our eyes. I don't care what man says.
December 29th
2009
Ron's group twice. Went well was fun. Ron has a great sense of humor.
Me like. Didn't get sleepy all day which was nice, for a change. God I want
to go home and stay with Jim so bad. I pray and hope we make it. I miss
him and Panda so much. And the freedom to live my life. To go see Mom

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and Johnny and the boys our grandbabies.
Tommorow I go to Fort Smith with my case manager; for follow up on
the sleep study. Thursday pap smear and mammagram. At least I will be
done with that for a year. Yay
December 30th
2009
Wendsday went to Fort Smith to get results from sleep study- all is well.
Changing medication geodon 80 mg to pm instead of am. Apparently it can
cause drowsiness.
January 9th
2010
Haven't written in a while. Had a mammogram done last Friday,
uncomfortable to say the least. Today at 4:30 pm Jim came and he got a
huge bag of tobacco and a box of filters . Enough to make a carton. Then
we went to Lake Spadra and watched the sun go down. And talked, then
made magically fantastic love.
Jim is coming tommorow afternoon with Panda. And we are gonna go
for a ride. I haven't seen Panda since December 27th
and I miss her very

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much.
January 11th
2010
Went to Health Department for TB test, then lunch then excersize at the
gym. Know this every where I went I was taken by staff at Birchtree on a
white van. Or with Jim. I walked five times around the gymnasium which
only equaled one half mile then sound off then in the dorm.
Janurary 12th
2010
Ron's group twice- good day. Pretty nice weather, not cold at all after
morning. Jim's cutting wood at Hershels all day. Thank God my TB test will
be read tommorow been worried about that having to be stuck with all sorts
of sick people now since November of 2008.
I can't hardly wait till Friday. Jim's gonna come get me for the weekend.
I had signed up for it two weeks earlier and I get to go with him. Yee haw!

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January 13th
2010
Wednesday Ron's group co-occurring and anger management.
Pretty day. Mammagram and Papsmear and TB shot all normal thank God!
Back in dorm @2:30.
Talked to Tommy yesterday morning all is well. Thank God!!!
One more day till I get to go with Jim. The week has gone by fast.
Jim said “ I talked to Robbie about us moving back to 707. But his wife said
“ No way!” She said I was still welcome but not you.”
When I ask why he said “ Her brother is bi-polar and won't take his medicine
and she is scared of him. She doesn't even allow him to visit her.”
I said “ That is dumb. Abraham Lincoln was bi-polar and he didn't take
medication and he was the best President of all times.”
“ Yes Lori but you got sick and hurt your Mom when you were off your
medication remember?”
“ Well she hurt me first. I wouldn't of been afraid of her and thought she
was gonna get me; if she hadn't wooped my ass two years earlier. I have
never been a danger to anyone!”
“ Well you were this time Lori. You cut her with your broken wine glass.
You could of killed her!”
“ I hit her twice in the stomache! I only kept the glass sideways in my hand

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to strengthen my hand. The only reason she got cut was in self defense.
When she was trying to block my punch. That is how she got glass in her
hand!”
“ Well let's try to stop thinking about it okay. It is over now.” Jim reported.
“ If I hadn't been talking to those “ familier spirits” the evil ones that lied
none of this would of happened! I am doing time for their lies they told me.
They told me she was gonna touch you and you and her were both gonna
get me! It ain't fair!!! “ I began to cry remembering hurting my sweet
momma.
“ Lori Lori, please calm down. Your Mom knows you didn't mean to hurt
her. Everything will be okay. “ Jim spoke to my ears and heart and soul.
“ Yes Momma always told me that when I was upset “ everything will be
alright. “ and she loves me and I love her and now that is all that matters.
Someday I will get my life back. I hope I do before I lose you. I told Jim.
“ You will never lose me my little Lori, Lori I love you and have since the first
time I laid eyes on you when you were pregnant with Sara. And I always
will. All my friends told me when you were at the State hospital that you
could of stabbed me. They told me this was my chance to get away from
you. But I am not scared of you. I love you! We will be okay and we will be
together again.”

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“ Thank you Jim! I love you!!!”
This brings to my mind a poem I wrote in 1990.
To somebody
Somebody please hear
though in words I do not speak
Look into my eyes when opened
and see that I am weak
Take hold of my shaking hand...
and walk with me awhile
My past I'll leave behind
Then when it's time and I'm sure
to you I'll open up
Then all will return blessed for you
When you are weak

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I'll be there still holding your hand...
Somebody please understand...
1990
Jim and I smooched toward the phone. And said our goodnights.
I lay in bed that night thinking … I don't know if I can do this five years on
probation is a long time. I wouldn't be free till 2012. And I felt as if Jesus
would come before then; as bad as the world has gotten. And so many
prophesies being fullfilled... after Satan and his seven thousand fallen angels
fight against the Arch angel Michael and his angels; wherein there will be
found no place in heaven for Satan and his fallen angels anymore and they
would be kicked out of heaven down to earth to deceive the whole world
into worshipping him thinking he is Jesus or God. For Satan comes disguised
as The Lamb (Jesus) but speaks as a dragon.
“Revelation 6:13
And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her
untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind.”
God is going to shake heaven and earth. Satan will have a short season
as of the time of a locust. Causing all who do not have the love of the truth
to worship him thinking it is Jesus or God. For that is whom he claims to be
coming in peacefully and prosperously. But when Mark 13 happens and the

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seven thousand very elect are delivered up for a testimony against Satan
with the Holy Spirit which is God; speaking through them. Then Satan has
the two witnesses killed and their dead bodies lie in the arena three and a
half days. They do not get buried because Satan wants to prove that they
will not ressurect. But on the third and a half day they will rise and be called
up to heaven. As they ascend Jesus descends with his Saints.
Then Jesus will come and save us. We will begin The New Beginning. That
is the next book I am writing I am gonna be a teacher for Jesus Christ in the
millenium and will write and teach and be so happy from then on. And I will
get my daughter back forever. My little Sara Michelle. As I write this it is
2015 of July. I just turned 49 on the twelth. Sara is now ten years old. I
haven't seen or heard from her since she was two. I miss her; my crying is
somewhat subsided on the outside but within my heart still aches.
Back to where I was...
January 14th
2010
Pat's group Depression group and how to deal with it. Class went okay it
ended a little early for inspection. Birchtree was being inspected by
someone in the government for medicaid. They ask me to speak to them so
I did. They ask me “ Do you feel as if Birchtree is helping you to get your life
back.” I said “ Yes.” and that was that.
Then we had Art day! I painted the Birtchtree emblem. It is a full moon
with a tree in it. It turned out pretty good.

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January 15th
2010
Met with Julie my woman therapist @ ten. Then met w/ Faith and had
lunch with her. Then played Skip Bo till Jim got here ten after 1:00pm.
Pretty and sunny day. We picked up Panda at Mom's. I gave her and
Johnny a kiss on their cheek and Panda kissed Mom too. She knew we were
taking her with us for awhile.
Then we went to Hershel's. Cleaned floors in shop and listened to music.
Then we went to bed and made love. Next morning, we had breakfast I
cooked. Then went back to Hershels shop. When Hershel left we went in
and made morning love. Right after I started my period. We both could tell
it was on it's way. This was Saturday 16th
2010.
Then Jim worked on plumbing in the shop. While I made two kool-aid
pies, and tators and pork steaks. Sunday I made a cherry pie. For lunch I
made tators and fried eggs. Jim worked in the shop, then we laid down
together an hour or so. Then he had to return me to Birchtree. After we
took Panda back to Mom's. Goodnight Sunday 17th
2010.

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I wrote a petition for Panda to live at Birchtree and be our Mascot.
Where she could live on site with me. To be a friend to all. I had fourteen
signatures that wanted her here too. But the administator told me when I
gave her the signed petition. “ Health issues wouldn't allow Panda to live
here but that she could visit as often as possible.” She also said that I could
have a pet that was in a cage. Like Tracy had a cute, fat guinna pig named
Strawberry. Eventually a friend of mine was tired of taking care of her two
parakeets and she gave them to me. She had silly names for them so I didn't
tell her but I named them Bonnie and Clyde. That was nice. It was nice
having pets again. Another thing I was missing in my life.
Whenever I get my own apartment I can get my Panda back. I can
hardly wait.
I made up a paper to change the 911 Law. Which gives all mentally
people five years probation, no matter what they've done. From saying
something wrong to someone in a threatening manner to actually killing
someone. I called it “ The right time for the crime.” I was trying to help the
mentally ill. I got some signatures on the paper I wrote up and I gave it to
Tammy. Who's gonna send it to the other Birchtree communties and send it

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to Congress.
Later I got a call from David somebody high up. He ask me to get people
here to write their own letters. But nobody would stand up for themself's
they were afraid it would get them in more trounle to speak up. So I just
have to take care of myself; and hope to get outta here ASAP.
Monday 1-18-10
Martin Luther King day- no classes. Go Martin Luther King!
Tuesday 1-19-10
Wal-Mart trip on Birchtree van. I bought hair conditioner, twix,
snickers, fingernail polish( pink my favorite) pony tails, pringles, and cracker
jacks. Had thirty dollars spent it down to the last 2 cents. LOL
Wendsday 1-20-10
Seen 911 monitor Liz she said that me going home is up to the
treatment team and court. Doctor Right I seen too; he said there was
nothing in my chart to keep me from going home. Pat the administrator
said we will talk about it in our next staff meeting on February 19th
.

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I hope Jim gets a home and my car soon!!!!!!!! I can't wait till were together
again!!!!!!! Jim said his check should come tommorow so hopefully he will
come see me.
Thursday 1-21-10
Jim still didn't get his check, hopefully I'll get to see him tommorow.
Friday 1-22-10
Nope. Didn't get to come.
Saturday 1-22-10
Jim came right when I ran out of cigs. He brought tobacco and filters for
me. He took me away from site awhile and bought me an oreo ice-cream.
From Mc Donald's. Then we went to Lake Spadra and made love, we both
thanked each other.
Sunday 1-24-10

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Jim said he will come over tommorow @ 3:00 pm and we will go look for
him a place to stay that is closer to me. And that he will come tuesday too.
Monday 1-25-10
Ok day but Jim broke down on the way here. He had to reset the
computer on the car.
Tuesday 1-26-10
Jim's coming we're going to Wal-Mart and tobacco store and Spadra!
We got some fried chicken at Wal-Mart and made love then ate. There was
a halo around the moon when I got back to Birchtree. I feel happy for being
with Jim and talking to Mom everyday. Also I talk often to Tommy and
sometimes Willy and Andy. When I talked to Panda Mom told me she was
opening and closing her mouth like she was trying to talk but nothing was
coming out. I told Panda “ I know you love me too! She jumped onto
Momma's bed and barked once. So cute and smart. The best dog I ever
had. I have never been without at least one dog in my life. But Panda's
Mom Pebbles and her are my favorite. A long time ago Pebbles saved my
heart from being so broke after the divorce from my ex. And her and Panda
went everywhere I went. One day when Panda was just a pup a girl I met

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told me “ One day that Panda would take Pebbles place.” I said “ Don't say
that.” to her. She said “ It's the truth.” And it was back in the time that I
went to Oklahoma with them. And got lost. With no money to get back
home on. I called the police for help. They helped me all right. Because I
am Lori Justice.
When they came they inpounded my cool 77 five speed Toyato
volkswagon that I had just put in large letters above my front window the
words COUNTRY GAL. They took Panda and Pebbles to a place to keep pets
safe and took me for a mental evaluation at Oklahoma Physiciatric place
and gave me a thirty day evaluation. Not there fault. I was bald headed
and had a cracked open forhead and turkey blood on the front of my shirt
when they found me lost at the gas station when I called for help.
It was back in about 2003. When I had cut my hair all off because Marc
had broke my heart. I was done with men. When they inpounded my car in
it was a five subject notebook full of notes for the book I wrote entitled.
They didn't believe her... Until.” Veinna weinees, little toy ponies I had
bought for Willy...a brand new black stetson cowboy hat. And a beautiful
head scarf blue with white daisies on it. Sucked but what sucked the most is
when my ex and my two sons, Tommy and Willy came got me. I had already
let Maggie send Pebbles and Panda back to Mom. When I got back to
Mom's the day I got back and right before I got back. Pebbles had gotten
run over. I didn't see her dead but I did see the buzzards on the
mountainside where I knew her body must be. That was sad. And the girl
was right. Panda more than took Pebbles place she never left my side.
Everyone that seen me seen Panda with me from then on. Up till this

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seperation had to be.
Enouph of that back to where I was at...
Wensday 1-27-10 ….Nothing to say.
Thursday 1-28-10 ….Nothing to say.
Friday 1-29-10 No class. Ice. No Jim.
Saturday 1-30-10 Snow.
Sunday 1-31-10 Jim tried to come. Ran out of money then out of
gas, he is coming tommorow at noon we are gonna go see Uncle Junebug.
Monday 2-1-10
Jim didn't get to come. But he said he was proud of Tommy cause he
came gave him the ten dollars he owed him on his own. Jim helped Tommy
know where to get a backhoe or bulldozer that he needed for hopefully a lot

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cheaper then what he paid. I hope and pray so and that other man gives
Tommy back his money. Jim is coming over tommorow he gets paid and he
promised we'd spend some time together. I love him so much!
Tuesday 2-2-10
Jim came at five pm and came into the dorm. We ate hamburgers and
french fries and a Dr. Pepper. Then he gave me a bunch of snacks and
tobacco and filters. Then we made love in my room. It was perfect.
Then he laid in my bed and held me awhile then he had to go.
Before he left a song came on my radio as we were kissing goodbye in my
room. It was “ Together Again”... My tears have stopped falling the long
night's are done... cause were together again... I ask him excitedly
“ Will you dance with me please?”
Jim held me close and we danced to the song. It feels so good to dance
with him. So romantic. Then when the dance ended he kissed me goodbye
and left. He has a physical tommorow I hope he passes so he can get that
job that is closer to me and us a home. Will be done with this place soon!
Wednesday 2-3-10

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Okay day got a little sleepy in last class of the day. Jim didn't come we
talked on the phone he said “ I will see you tommorow my love.”
Thursday 2-4-10
Rons group it was fun... He told jokes all day. And I told the only joke I
could ever remember “ What did Pink panter say when he stepped on an
ant? No one knew so I answered with the song to the sound of dead ant...
dead ant... dead ant... dead ant … dead ant … dead ant! Everyone laughed
at that it is a silly joke but the only one I have ever been able to remember.
LOL!
Then we had Art!!!!!! Okay day. Jim tried to come was on his way but
it is sleeting there so he turned back. He said tommorow at 3:30 he'll be
here no matter what and that he'll stay till 8:30. Said he will bring some
popcorn and we'd have a date. And that Saturday he will go let me meet
his Mom Arletta. I hope the snow don't come Saturday.
He was passing Nichols lane when he called and said “ I wish I was
coming home to throw a log on the fire at 707.” I told him “ Me too. But
where we will soon be will be even better than 707 Nichols lane on
Momma's mountain.” Jim agreed and said “ That is why he's waiting for me
he knows this too and he loves me” “ I love you too Jim!”

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Friday 2-5-10
Jim came a little begore seven at night and stayed about an hour and a half.
We ate hamburgers from Birchtree kitchen then we made love.
Saturday 2-6-10
Jim is coming around noon and were going to Grandma Daisy's! And I
am gonna meet his Mom for the first time. We went first and ate
hamburgers and fries then to see his Mom and Dad Budjoe and Grandma
Daisy. It went good. Best thing of all we got two new puppies from his
friend of many years that he worked on the oil rig with. They were
adorable. I named them Scotty and Joey. We came back to the dorm and
took the puppies to my room. And played with them.
Then we made love. Jim said “ They are cute! I like them” he is so
perfectly sweet and I love him more everyday. I love our new babies. I
can't wait till were all home together with Panda.
Sunday 2-7-10
Slept and rested all day. Playing with my parakeets Bonnie and Clyde.

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Monday – No Jim.
Wednesday Jim dropped off tobacco and a kiss.
Thursday- Jim didn't get to come, no tires. Tommy is getting him some.
Friday- Started my period this morning.
Saturday- Rested and talked to Jim on phone. Many times per day as
usual. Also still talking to Mom everyday keeping her informed of
everything. Saying hello to Johnny. He is so cute. He always says hello to
me sounding like Mickey Mouse. LOL me love.
Sunday Valentines day. 2-14-10
Panda's birthday! She was born in my closet from Pebbles on Valentines
Day in 2002. I had told Pebbles that I wanted her to give me a black and
white little girl that I could name Panda. Which Pebbles did along with five
other puppies that I gave away all but the one I gave Mom which was Missy.
Jim came and brought Panda at 11:30 am. We ate lunch from the

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Birchtree kitchen. That was so nice of them to serve Jim a plate when he
came for free. We went through the line and had left Panda in my room
while we went and got our plates then we joined her and ate together in my
room, of course Panda got some too.
Then we seen that the Dorms living room was empty and he and I
watched the Daytona 500!!! Panda sitting next to me on floor by my feet.
Jim and I held hands almost all the time. Race ended at 6:40 pm. Jamie
McMurry won! We kissed goodbye and I walked him and Panda back to
the car. Kissed Panda on her forehead and told her I would see her soon.
Very romantic day together!!!!!!!
Monday 2-15-10
Free day in dorm all day except to go eat in kitchen dining room and to
smoke outside periodically. President's day. I went to the movies for the
first time in years and seen “ The book of Eli”! It was great!!!
I have only been to the movie theater about five times in my whole life. It
was fun. I went on the Birchtree van with the other residents that signed
up to go. Birchtree people get in free. Yee haw!
Tuesday 2-16-10
Pat and Ron's groups and Julie's Womans group.

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Wendsday 17th
2010
Ron's co-occurring group. Jim's coming!
When he got to Birchtree he knoced on the dorm door and I opened the
door and he came in so I could get my purse and phone. And pack of cigs I
prerolled earlier. We went out to eat at Lake Spadra. Food to go from
Kentucky fried chicken. Me love! Made love then he left so his tires
wouldn't go flat.
Thursday 18th
2010
Staffing! Pat said it was possible that I will go home with Jim within the
next 90 days!!!!! Pat said “ We think you would be better off home where
you can continue your writing. We have read your books and they are very
good.” “ Thank you!” I told them all exitedly.
March, April, May …!!!!!
Jim said we might get land near Trapper John's on Momma's mountain.
Nichols lane. Yay!!! Amen!!!!
Friday 19th
2010

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My weekend away from Birchtree that I signed up for going with Jim to
Hershels.
We stayed in the shop. For Jim had made the room very nice and kept a
fire going. We had music and danced and talked and enjoyed each others
company. We stayed out there with Panda to be alone together most of
the weekend. Slept till 10:00 am. Made love Friday night Saturday night
and Sunday evening it was super romantic and fun. Panda was with us till
Sunday evening. I had to report back to Birchtree before 9:00 pm. So Jim
took me and we took Panda back to Moms kissed her and Johnny. Gave
Panda a kiss on her forehead with “ I'll be back Panda.”
Monday 22nd
2010- my twelth week at Birchtree.
Tuesday 23rd
2010- Jim went to get a job at the oil rig in Booneville. Pat
ask me to do a via television converance to the whole Birchtree commuties.
I am gonna! And show them my books and tell them about my writings.”
Wednesday 23-2010
Fine day a little cold, but classes went well. Hershel went to Oklahoma to
gamble. Jim told me he had a hard time worrying about him. Hershel is
kind of old and not in very good health.

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Thursday 24th
2010
Jim came we went to Wal-Marts to get some barretts for me my hair
was finally growing a little longer and I needed them to keep my bangs out
of my eyes. He was gonna get me another phone card but they were out.
We came back to my room and made love we both came as usual even thou
he wasn't feeling well. He said “ I think I am just tired.”
Sent him home with Cor don blue plate I had gotten from kitchen that
he was too ill to eat at the moment. 11 weeks to go!!!
March 3rd
2010
Wednesday Last weekend Tommy and Nike brought Maddisson and
Zachery( Nikes son) to see me. We visited for two or three hours had a
picnic in the dorm they took pictures on a disposable camera.
Sunday 7th
2010

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I watched the race Kurt Busch won!!!
March 9th
2010
Johnny's birthday. I was with everyone else in morning meeting and I
ask if anyone would like to sing my sweet oldest brother happy birthday.
I told them he was a band director and choir teacher but that he got
disabled when he was twenty-six years old. Everyone said “ Yes !” So I
dialed my Mom and ask her to get Johnny so we could sing to him. She did
and Johnny answered with his cute Mickey voice “ Hello?”
“ Johnny listen everyone here wants to sing you happy birthday!”
“ Okay!” Johnny said not really knowing whom I was talking about but was
pleased I could tell in his voice.
We all sang together... Happy Birthday to you....Happy birthday to you...
Happy birthday Dear Johnny!!! Happy Birthday to you... And some along
with me added “ and many more!!!!” When the song ended everyone
clapped and I ask “ Did you like it?'” To my brother whom was touched by
this and answered with a whelm in his throat “ Sounded good!”
Bout made me cry to hear his happiness at such a small gesture. “ I love you
brother, talk to you later. And I will see you soon.”

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“ Okay. Tell everyone thank you for me. And you take care. “ Johnny told
me and I hung up with tears in my eyes as I thanked all the people with
“ Johnny said “ Thank you you all!” He loved it Thanks everyone.
Wednesday 10th
2010
!
Regular day of classes and me hiding in one of my various hiding places
enjoying nature, and being alone. That was my therapy. I needed time
alone. Time to heal and think things through. And to stay away from the
crowds. Nine and a half weeks to go! I promised God today the next time
Jim asks me to marry him I would. I am going home !
God spoke to my heart to not doubt but have faith so I am!
March 16th
2010
Barbara kept trying to start a fight with me. When I would get up early
every morning and the living room of the dorm was empty I would turn on
the t.v. And would watch Doctor Arnold Murry my pastor on the Shepherds
Chapel. Listening to God's words strenghthened me everyday. Barbara
seemed evil. She didn't watch t.v. She was schizophrenic and whatever I
don't know. But she would come in without a word and turn off the t.v. And

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leave. So I would just wait for her to leave and turn it back on. Watching
till it was time to get ready for daytreatment. And classes.
One day she yelled at me “ You owe me a cigarettes bitch!”
I told her “ I don't owe you anything! Barbara!!! But if you need one I can
give you one. She smiled finally to that and I gave her one and joined her
outside to smoke. I sat on the picnic table underneath the landing port.
Barbara just walked around alone bitching aloud and smoking the cig.
That day later on after we had been locked out of our dorm and I only
had enough cigs rolled to last me till four. When we get back in the dorm.
Barbara came up to me and again yelled “ You owe me a cigarette! Bitch!!!”
It was cold and I had my coat on and as she yelled in my face; I held my
thumb in my clenched fingers to comfort myself. As I do when in awkward
situations. Holding my own thumb was like someone was holding my hand.
We were in the day room when Barbara had gotten in my face again for
the humptienth time. Then she yelled while getting right in my face...
“ Hit me bitch!!!”
“ I'm not gonna touch you! But you better get outta of my face right now!
I command you in Jesus name to leave me alone!”
She just kept staying in place but quit yelling at me. But, one of the staff
ladies overheard the whole thing and came out of her office and said...

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“ Barbara you go outside, now! Lori come with me. “ So I did and followed
her to her office and sat down opposite her with fingers trembling of the
Holy spirit in me.
She ask me “ Lori are you alright?”
“ Yes. “ I answered adding but I'm getting sick of her krap.”
“ Well don't touch her no matter what Lori. You will get in trouble
and nothing will happen to her. She is sick. Just inform staff and try to
avoid her as much as possible. I know it is hard, because you two live in the
same dorm. But please your are a good girl and I don't want to see you get
in trouble over her. “
“ Me either. “ I told her then she handed me a piece of paper and a
pen and said “ Here you fill this complaint form out on her and I will sign it
as a witness. I heard the whole thing and I know how mean Barbara is.”
“ Okay, thank you. “ I told her and rejoined the daytreatment room.
Sitting at the table I filled out the form. Turning it in to the Daytreatment
teacher Melissa.”
Melissa was a young girl in her early twenties. She was very sweet and

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made morning meeting fun and morning class lifting. She always has a
smile on her face. I really liked and respected her for that. I have always
tried to keep my head up to and smile no matter what.
No matter what I was going through in my life at the time. When
someone would ask me “ How are you doing Lori?”
I'd answer with a smile “ Good and how are you?” The light of Jesus Christ
and of my Father in heaven and the Holy Spirit in my eyes.
That evening I signed up to go to the movies with Birchtree. We get in
free at the Picwood theater. I watched Alice in wonderland. It was good.
I got to see Tommy, Nike and the babies got four hugs and Tommy bought
me a pack of rich girl cigarettes. That is what I always called Marlboro light
100's.
Then Jim called while I was at the movies in the back row as always. In
a corner by myself. For Tommy and them weren't there for the movie they
had drove by and seen me walking outta of the parking lot and Tommy
reved his engine to catch my attention before I went indoors. With a
broom! Broom!! Broom!!!!!.............. I was excited to see them and
thought they were here to watch the movie. But they weren't they were
just passing through to see what was playing. Tommy told me it cost too
much to get in. For him today he just seen me and wanted a hug. And to let
the babies Maddisson and Zachery ( whom Jim and I self adopted because
Nike was Tommy's ol women. And he was her son. ) We believe in sharing
the love. Since we met September 29th
2005 and once we lay together we

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were no longer twain but one flesh married in the eyes of God. I speak
often to Jim “ What is mine is thine. What is thine is mine. We have a big
family.
Two Moms each. Two Dads each. Four grandmothers. Seven children
between us and now three grandchildren to share. It is wonderful. Jim and
I are definitly evenly yoked for we both love God our family and Jesus.
Anyways when Jim called he told me “ I passed the physical and now I
am heading to Longview Texas for safety classes. I got the job at the oil
rig!”
I was sad about it. I didn't want him to be that far gone and for so long.
I didn't care about the money he made I just wanted him and me and Panda
to be home together everyday like before at 707 Nichols lane. Happy
sharing our lives together. But I replied with what sounded like a lift in my
voice … “ Congradulations my love! Drive carefull love you.”
“ I love you too my little Lori Lori!”
Jim made a smooching noise and with a tear in my eye I smooched back
over the phone. And we said goodbye for now.
After the phone call I went and got a drink of water then went to the
Picwood parking lot to smoke a cigarette. While outside in the dark I looked
up and could see pretty many stars in the sky. Unlike when I was at the

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Forensic Unit of the State Hospital for a year and could never see the stars
at all. For it is in Little Rock and in big cities you just can't see the beauty.
While dragging hard on the cig I heaved a breath of a sigh into the
starry sky above me with a silent “ Thank you God for the stars they are
beautiful. Thank you for letting me see Tommy and the babies tonight.
Thank you for Jim's love. God's will be done. In Jesus name amen.
I returned to the movie and my spirit was lifted from almost all the
above. Everything except Jim going back to the oil field.
March 18th
2010
We all sang happy birthday to Mom she said “ Hmm sounded pretty
good.” Then she told me “ Maggie had a heart attack and you need to
expect some bad news anytime now.”
“ I'm sorry Mom. Are you alright?”
“ I reckon.” Mom said with a broken heart. But strength in her words.

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“ I will talk to you later Mom I was in class and stepped out to answer my
phone I love you.”
“ Love you too.” Mom said and I rejoined the class.
Ron ask as I walked in with my eyes downcast for a moment as I entered
not looking no one in the eyes. I looked up to him sitting in his chair and
answered “ Yeah, I'm fine.”
March 19th
2010
Jim came at 12:30 right after lunch and took me to Wal-Mart where he
got us phone cards; before they ran out of time. Then we went to Lake
Spadra and talked and walked. Then we came back to Birchtree.
“ Want a cup of coffee?” I ask Jim as we sat at the picnic table under the
landing mat or whatever it is called “ a place with lots of concrete picnic
tables with a canopy over it.”
“ Sounds good.” Jim said so I kissed him with a quick smooch and went
inside and made us some coffee in the coffee maker Andy and Willy had got
me for my room.” I loved my coffe pot. It was so ironic that they got me
one because I didn't even mention to them that I would love to have one.
So anyways... I carefully carried out the two cups of coffee. And joined Jim
when my phone rang. Jim said “ Your Mom?”

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I just shrubbed my shoulder like don't know and said “ Hello?”
It was Luke asking me about if I could get those letters from the other
residents here. I told him “ No one will. They are scared too.
They are afraid that they will get in more trouble than they already are
now.”
Luke told me “ Well, don't give up. There is always hope.”
“ Yep!” I said and then he said “ Thank you for trying Lori”
“ Your welcome Luke....goodbye.”
“ Goodbye take care.”
:” Kay thanks!” I said and hung up. Jim was curious so I told him all about it
as we drank our coffee.
Then Jim and I made love in my room with the radio playing country love
songs; both our favorite. It was beautiful we fit together perfectly.
March 22nd
2010
Maggie went to heavon. I prayed that God give her the pebbles doll that
was hers when she was a little girl that was bald and had her hair on it, how

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Momma fixed it when she was little; cause Maggie loved her and had a long
time ago ask me “ When I die. Will I get everything I loved back?” I told her
the truth back then I remember with a “ Yes! We get more than that!
We get more than the heart can ever imagine in your whole life. “
I also ask God to give her a violin. Because I knew she loved violins and
wanted to learn how to play one. In Jesus name I ask these things amen.
After Mom told me that Maggie had passed I thought back to the day
before when I was sitting outside on the grass by myself. Enjoying the
sunshine. And a dustdevil formed way down the lane from me, catching
leaves in a whirl. And their was no wind at all. The flag lay unwaving. As
the whirlwind continued I watched it in awe. It was the stangest thing so
strong and continued toward me on the opposite side of the road from me
just a small distance away from me. I could of thrown a rock right into it
from where I sat. But I didn't I just watched curiously as it came to wear it
swirled right across the street and stayed swarming still in one place
opposite me, now only about ten strides away from me. The leaves blew up
and down in it. Then it moved again and went past me to the power line
and went straight up spreading leaves all around. It went so High up I
wondered at it......
Also earlier that day in the Birchtree van on a trip to the tobbacco store
in which I went for Melissa was driving and she was fun to take a ride with

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even in the Birchtree transport van. When we were in town a dustdevil
formed in the middle of the street in front of us... Melissa laughed and said
excitedly “ Look everyone what were about to go through!”
Melissa drove right through it!!! It was fun... Leaves were all around the
van I just witnessed this in amazement and joy. Looking out the passenger
seat near the window... With a joining in with the small crowd that were all
happy and I said my usual .. “ Yee Haw!”
I had been gone so long I hadn't seen Maggie in bad health as everyone
else in the family had too, and for that I was thankful. I will always
remember her as a strong, and kind of awnry big sister. She did hurt me a
lot by stealing Sara from me; but I forgive her. How could you not adore
Sara and want her for yourself she was perfect. And I know I will have her
back someday and will have Three sons and a daughter forever. In Jesus
name amen!
April 1st
2010 Andy twenty-fifth birthday!

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January the second
Friday 2010
My weekend off. Jim couldn't come get me so Tommy did! I stayed
the night with him and Nike and Maddisson and Zachery and Chris my
youner brother, and his kids ( Christopher and Brittany) also he now had
custody of John-John because Maggie left him to Chris. My big little brother
to take care of after she parted. All the grown ups stayed up till two am.
Watching movies and talking. It was a blast! I enjoyed being with them all.
I hadn't seen my brother since 2008. Chris is a good brother one whom
would defend anyone in the family at all cost. He was helping Tommy
whom Chris told me is his favorite nephew of all. I could see why for he is a
very good young man. With a lot on his plate. Two kids and a wife and
himself to take care of. His job is being a self-employed mechanic and it
would be good enough except he doesn't charge even near what he is
worth. He is very skillful and smart. His carisma gets him all the work he
needs everyday. But he really needs a job that pays better and has
insurance where he can get medical help for his pain of joints and messed
up back. He also needs dental insurance. Someday he will I am sure. He is
a good hardworking man. No Doubt about that! Tommy has always been

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one of my closest friends ever since he was a young boy. So too are all my
kids and family. The only friends I want or need. I like my world small. Me
love!!!
Nike got me some new red and black cowboy boots! Thank you Nike for
that. She also gave me a sundress and bra. Chris and Tommy and I talked a
lot we had a lot of catching up to do. For I had been gone from everyone
for a year and fourty four days at the Arkansas Forensic Unit State Hospital
in Little Rock. Then now I am in Clarksville and they all live in Russellville
and Dardanelle. Except Jim he lives wherever at the moment that he can.
With friends.
Chris gave me twenty dollars for my birthday! And to help buy Willy's
Easter basket. My Wal-Mart card covered it so I was able to pay Tommy
back for the gas it took to come get me. Which at the time was his last ten
dollars. He is so sweet.
Saturday- I napped a couple hours at Chris's. Then Tommy took me to
Mom's so I could visit her and Johnny and Panda. Me and Mom had coffee
together and talked a lot. Johnny was watching Jeapardy as usual. He also
loves watching The Wheel of Fortune, and The price is right and the news.
But this day his attention was on Tommy's baby's he is so good to
babies. He held Maddisson in his lap and she smiled at him a lot. Johnny
talked calmly to her and she liked him. Johnny was now a Great Uncle.

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I gave Johnny a Hershey's candy bar his favorite and Tommy gave him a
Dr. Pepper. Also his favorite. I gave Panda a bath and put medicine on her
back and she slept at my feet while I sat at the kitchen table with Mom.
Tommy left me there for the night to stay with Mom, Johnny and Panda
till in the morning. I walked them outside carrying Maddisson on my hip;
and hooked her up in her carseat. Nike hooked Zachary's. Tommy did the
broom... broom...broom !!! With a smile and opened his arms for a hug
goodbye. I went to his open door and we hugged with I love you's to each
other. Then I bent down and looked into his vehicle and to all said “ Love
yuns all.”
That night after Mom and Johnny went to bed. Panda and I laid on the
daybed in the living room. Momma's little new dog that was born while I
was away that she named Dixie ( little black and white terrior chiuawua
mix)jumped on the bed with us and Panda didn't even get mad. Dixie laid
next to me and Panda laid at my feet as always. I hugged Dixie because she
was so gentle and sweet. Another pup jumped up and Panda told it no to
get down off the bed in a snappy bark. It did lol.
Next morning when I got up me and Mom had coffee. She was drinking
outta a cup that read on both sides “ My favorite friend” I told her that is a
cute cup. She said “ This was your Grandma Pearls, now mine and I want to
give it to you if you can take care of it.”

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“ Yes I can take care of it! Wow three generation cup. My favorite
Grandma and my Momma now me! Thanks Mom I will cherish it!'
Easter Sunday
Broom...Broom... Honkety honk honk Tommy was here to pick me up. I
gave Mom and Johnny a kiss on the cheek, then Panda. Dixie was watching
me wagging her tail like she really liked me a lot so I bent down and kissed
her forhead too. With “ Mom when I get my apartment since you have five
other dogs can I have Dixie? She loves me and Panda likes her too.”
“ Sounds fine to me. One less thing to worry about.” Mom said so I
thanked her and told Dixie “ I will see you next time my new little girl.”
“ Bye brother Johnny the Great! You take care. I love you.”
“ Same here. And you take care too.” Johnny replied and I ran out and
climbed in the vehicle.
1-4-2010 Easter.......
Tommy drove to my ex-mother in laws Rossanne. To see Willy!!!!!!!
He had grown three inches and his voice was starting to change. Willy took
Tommy and Zachary fishing at Grandma's pond. I went in to visit Roseanne
and drink a cup of coffee with her...A knock came at the door and grandma

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opened the door. It was Andy! ( My eldest son ) and with him Michelle his
wife and Ethan my first grandson. I held Ethen for a minute; he smiled so
cute. Andy said “ You look good Mom. Happy and healthy!”
“ Yep thanks I am!” I told him with a smile in my eyes. Andy smiled,then he
played guns with Zach and Maddisson.
It was a beautifully blessed Easter Sunday! Thank you God and Jesus
and Holy Spirit. And Tommy for coming and getting me.
We all said our goodbyes with hugs and love you's to everyone. Except
I don't hug my daughter in laws. Michelle nor Nike. Just don't I don't know
why. Just don't feel the need. I tell them I love them though; cause I do
because they gave me grandchildren through my beloved sons. And they
love my boys.
I am not crazy about my ex-mother in law ( Because of the past) but I
am respectfull to her. For we have a lot in common. And always will.
After all the goodbyes Tommy, Nike, Zachary, and Maddisson took me
back to Birchtree early at my request for I was tired. Emotionally built
up inside but worn out physically and I had to get ready for classes the
next day. And I had to unpack my stuff in my room and take a shower.
When I unpacked I looked at all my new stuff. Placing my coffee cup
from Mom and Grandma Pearl on my bedside table. I made some
coffee in the coffeepot. And made myself a cup and went outside to
smoke before I unpacked the rest of my stuff. I took my pretty new
purse Mom gave me and my lighter with a red 1953 Chevy pickup on it
that Tommy gave me. For my upcoming birthday in July. And carefully

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carried out my coffee cup that I pray and hope never gets broken. In
Jesus name amen.
I sat down at the picnic table opened my purse got a cig and the
lighter and drank my coffee heaving a breath of fresh air and renewed
spiritually. I thanked God for the best Easter ever.
I remenissed over the new memories of the weekend for I seen
everyone I love except Jim. And I will see him this tuesday. He told me on
the phone “ I will pay Mom back the twenty she gave you next time I see
her.” He is sweet to..
While I was drinking my coffee and smoking ...Tracy, and Ceaser and a
couple other people ask for a cigarettes and I shared my blessings and gave
them all one... Jeff Black my favorite person here came after they all left me
alone. And ask “ Do you want a dark cigarette Lori?”
I was half done with my coffee and needed to roll some; for now I was out
of cigs. And said “ Yes please Jeff I like a dark one every now and then
thank you.” l
I slowly finished my coffee and smoked that cigarette and relaxed and
talked with Jeff. He ask “ Did you have a nice home visit this weekend with
your family?”
“ Yes Jeff... The best time I have had in so long I can't remember....
“ I'm glad to hear that I was worried about you. I thought a giant snake was
trying to get you I was afraid you weren't coming back.” Jeff added to which
I replied....

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“ I had to come back Jeff. Remember I am a 911. And I was safe don't
worry about me so much Jeff God has got me. I will be fine no matter
where I am. But thank you for watching over me all the time I am here.”
“ What about when you get to go home?” Jeff ask.
“ When I do get to go home Jim will take care of me. So please don't worry
about me Jeff I will be alright I promise. I just worry about you too; when
are you gonna get to go home to your family?”
“ I lost my wife and family. I had a daughter...You remind me of her. So
sweet and little. She was a good girl. But I messed up and cheated on my
wife once and she left me. I haven't seen my baby girl since. I'm never
leaving here. I have people to protect. And the only family I have left are
my Mom and Dad. And they are better off with me here.” Jeff confieded
with me.
“ I'm sorry Jeff. But yes this place is a good place but you watching over
everyone and helping keep them safe is good Jeff.”
Jeff was quiet then and stareing off in the distance........I finished my coffee
and cigarette.
When I told Jeff I was going in now he didn't hear me. Or at least didn't say
a word he was still in his warrior stance in a trance.
So I went to my room and finished unpacking and then took a shower.
Talked to Jim on the phone telling him all of the happenings of the weekend.

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He told me that he had called Tommy when he knew he wouldn't make it
this weekend. He was glas I seen the family and that I was happy. I rolled
two packs for the next day. Because at the latter part of the month
everyone almost was outta money and cigs. So it took two packs to last
from eight am. Till four pm. To share what I had with whom I could.
It was hard to make it for me. I only get 60 dollars a month outta my
disablility check and without help I wouldn't of had enough to share and
more than likely not even enough for myself. But Birchtree did provide all
the nessesities, room and board, good food, electricity, basic toiletries even
pads, underarm deoderant, toilet paper, paper towels, shampoo and
conditioner...toothbrush and toothpaste, hand towel and rags. They also
took us once a month to the Angel closet ( a freewill church) that gave free
close to anyone who needed they also had other things there free like shoes
, socks, underwear and you could get all you wanted and needed,
everytime. After I had everything I needed I started getting my
grandbabies a little bit of clothes to give them when I seen them that was so
fun to pick out dresses for Maddisson and tell her I got it at the Angel closet.
She looked so beautiful and smiled and spinned round and round in it. I
sang as she did “ Around and around and around... She goes … around and
around and around she goes... round and round and round she goes …. all
around the world!!!......Same song I sang when once I got to rock my Sara
when she was one and a half on one of my supervised visitations at me and
Mom and Johnny's trailer. The one I moved into to try to get my daughter
back; in 2006. Everytime I think of that place I remember Sara so tiny and
perfect standing holding onto the dollhouse I got her then... She loved the
little dollhouse. I will always cherish those memories...I hope and pray she
remembers me and mostly I pray she clings to Jesus and God and the Holy

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Spirit for then; no matter whom raises her she will still be my little ladybug,
my little living doll....a good girl that I can love and respect.
*** La La La...La...La...La.........La, La, La , La …..Have you seen her?.....
*****
If you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world …
Tell her I love her....
Tell her I need my baby....
Oh, ….Won't you tell her … that I love her...
I woke up this morning ...New I lost my morning sun...
I stood alone...In the cold, grey dawn... Knowing it was so very wrong...
When she was taken my spirit died, then Jesus came and touched my life...
I 'll get her back... and when I do.... I'll be good as new....
So If you happen to see the most beautifull girl that walked out on me...
Tell her I love her.... Tell her I need my baby … Oh.... Won't you tell her...
That I love her.... Sara!!!!!!!!!

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Kay.... Sara.... Sara... Whatever will be; will be...
The future's not ours to see....K Sara …..Sara Michelle..................
Love always Mom Lori Michelle................
Sorry I took words of others songs but that is the songs in my heart......
Sara Michelle turns five this year on 4-28-2010. I don't have to hardly
imagine what she looks like she is the spitting image of me. I pray for her to
not believe those lies that were said about me “ Sacrifising her,( not only is
that sacreligious) but I adored her and always will.”
Monday- We got paid today! Yee haw!!! Sixty bucks for the month.
Birchtree van trip to Wal-Mart, Tobacco store and dollar store... I bought a
big bag of tobacco and two boxes of filters enough for two cartons and had
a few dollars left over and got me a new ligter so I could save the one
Tommy bought me with my truck on it.
Jim's first day at his new job on the oil rig. He called me this morning.
Also I talked to him after lunch. He called again at five p.m. After work siad
all went well at work and his boss was impressed with his work.

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Tuesday I got a painting I done in the art show! Art show is on April
29th
.
Willy won second place in his whole school for of picture of art he done!
4-11-2010
Jim came for a little visit.
4-12-2010
Jim said he is going to check on a trailer on highway 22 tommorow!
That is the highway we used to live off at 707 Nichols lane. Momma's
mountain. Yay!!! I will be close to Momma and Johnny! Thank you God in
Jesus name amen!!!!!!!! And I will be not too far from Tommy and them!
Gods will be done in Jesus name amen.
4-18-2010

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Sunday
Jim came by for a short visit. He was on his motorcycle. I gave him his
jacket that I won in playing Bingo! It was a nice, nice jacket... Ron held the
bingo games for all residents of Birchtree and told me he was glad that I was
participating and that I enjoyed it.. . His Mom owned the storage building
place and donated stuff people left behind.
It was all cool stuff! And it was fun playing Ron always told funny jokes
during the game. And nobody that played left empty handed for Ron's rule
was if you play and don't win, you get to pick something at the end of the
game for participating. I always won... sometimes a few things like dolls and
cool nik nacs, and other things for gifts for the family... Sometimes I won so
much I could barely carry it all. Everyone loved bingo, a lot of people were
lucky at it. It was nice having fun!
4-20-2010
Jim just called and told me two possible places one that trailer and the
one he liked best was on Highway 22 a little farter up from Mom; but not
but a few miles at Delaware past Momma's postoffice. He said it was a two
bedroom house near the creak!!! Sounds good to me too. 30,000 dollars
and they will finance it too. We may have a home soon! He said he has me
a car at his friend Mikes too but it needs some work done on it before he
can give it to me. Peice by piece my life is coming back together!
Thank God, I need my life back in Jesus name I pray amen!!!!!!!

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4-21-2010
Andy called and told me “ Ethan started crawling the other day!
Jim called said “ I'm a homeowner! “
We got us a home thank you God ! I thought within and just told Jim “ Yay
home again home again jiggity jig!” and a big Yeeeeee Hawwwww!!!
That night when I prayed to God to thank him for all his blessings I ask him
for more patience in going home. I was anxious I have been gone for a year
and a half.
4-22-2010
Jim came over said “ I have the keys to the house.” and showed me and I
smiled my happy smile looking up into his eyes... We hugged in celebration.

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Jim brought me tobacco and filters. We made love in my room; we both
came at the same time as ususal. It never takes long but is always perfect.
For God has blessed our love. Christians have the best sex lifes. It is
heavenly to me and apparently to Jim too. Woo ...ooo...Woop!!!!!!!!
Then he left he was on the motorcycle said he'd bring the car tommorow
and we'd go to Lake Spadra and grab a burger and fries on the way.
I'm asking Pat McNutly for permission for a home visitation for the 7th
of
May to the 16th
. I hope I get it.
It is nice being here well a lot nicer than the State Hospital and jail in Logan
county. So many less people and plenty of places to hide away from
everyone; and be in nature. This is all bringing my spirit back to feeling
strong and safe again. But I want to go HOME.... SOON!!! In Jesus name I
pray amen.
I still call Mom everyday and talk to her about all that is going on. Telling
her tell Panda “ Lori Said Hi and she will see you soon as she can.”
4-28-2010
Sara's fifth birthday. I spoke not a word about it to anyone. Only to
God and to Jesus. I didn't cry I don't think. .. Can't remember, I might of...
But I know I did not show any sadness on the outside. I kept my head up
and my spirit high with God's love and grace. With Jesus and God and the

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Holy Spirit in your life you can with stand anything life throws your way.

A broken heart now mended

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