10. 1 | G i n a !
Disclaimer...
Before I even get started, let me get this straight. This story narrated in this book is a
very personal collection of moments or actually a long one particular moment picked
out from an incredibly interesting chapter of my life. All the names, characters,
moments depicted in the book have been played around quite a bit and a
resemblance with any real life name, character or moment would purely be a
coincidence. Even in a case where the most coincidental thing happens, I would
advise you to mind your own business as in this big world, there are slim chances of
two random incidents being similar to each other. In the end, you should feel lucky
that the book got you some fame, even though indirectly.
It is going to be hard for anyone to find my writing style similar to anyone since I am
not a fan of such work personally. Science fiction, sports, biographies, these are the
sort of books I generally like to read but the flavour of my writing is completely
different.
The language used in the book is casual, pretty casual as per my standards and there
has been an occasional use of the F*** words but in a very sensitive and respectful
manner (my ass). In a case where someone finds the usage of language or certain
aspects of the story obscene or overboard, well, maybe that person should alleviate
his/her standards and accept it or go and read children books instead.
11. 2 |Gina!
With all the warnings given and shots fired, you need to hold yourself responsible for
buying this book if it hurts your sentiments in any manner whatsoever. I have done
my job, now you need to shut up and enjoy what’s inside!
12. 3 |Gina!
Acknowledgements
I am not quite sure who to thank for and on what basis as this little love story
of mine has only been playing in the background since the beginning. Though
there are a few people who did sense that something was ‘cooking’ between
Gina an me, we ourselves weren’t sure as to what we had put on the stove
(metaphorically speaking), hence there aren’t many chances that someone else
would understand.
Yet, I do have to thank the organisation we both worked for that gave me this
opportunity to meet this wonderful person who sent butterflies into my
stomach every time I saw her. There were a few fielders in this love story who
unknowingly helped us get closer to each other. The managers, other
employees in the team and most importantly the fate, which as per her is a
very crucial aspect to anything and everything a person does in this form of the
life on Earth. Yes, seriously!
There’s one more aspect I have to thank although things would’ve been better
for the world had that aspect not taken place at all. It’s the Coronavirus
(COVID-19). Apologies in advance, but the work from home scenario gave me
the opportunity to work on this book. Understand my feelings towards Gina
better get the book ready (only partially at that time) ready to give it to her on
her 25th
birthday.
13. 4 |Gina!
Most importantly, I want to thank her for looking into my eyes where I was all
lost and showing me the warmth that is going to stay with me forever! That
was the poetic side of me which you all can choose to ignore, I will keep doing
it though as Gina loves it. I hope so, at least!
14. 5 |Gina!
“I met you when I was at my most vulnerable state. But falling in love with you
was the bravest decision I made in my life. Although I’ve said it a few times that
you mean the world to me, the entire universe isn’t large enough to fit how
much I am going to love you for as long as I have.”
Happy 25th
birthday to the love of my life.
15. 6 |Gina!
Delayed Introduction
The first chapter of the book, yes it normally starts with an introduction, but since I
am slow at everything even the introduction was delayed. Gina had been there in the
office sitting in the opposite row, only a few seats away from me but damn it I had
not even noticed her. Well, in my defence, I had not noticed anyone. Things were
beyond the usual 5 senses for me, they kind of weren’t working at all.
The past 8 to 10 months had not been the best for me. Something I thought was
going to last forever had come to end. The path I had been traversing hoping to
reach a certain destination had vanished. There was no end product, no target to
reach, the entire process went in vain. Enough of the pessimism, since I see myself of
an optimistic one!
As they say, there’s always that bright light at the end of the tunnel. I was on the
cusp of the end of that dark tunnel. It was no one else but Gina who was the bright
light that finally got me out of that tunnel. She wasn’t the same, not like the others!
She was peculiar, so special that I couldn’t resist myself from going up to her. Well,
actually I did resist a few times as I was (or rather I still am) a shy person.
She sat at the end of the row behind me, in the far corner. I would look find reasons
to go that way, just to get a good glimpse at her. Sometimes I would pass by her
hoping to say high and start a conversation, but the shy boy in me would kick in and
ruin everything. Not a single word said, literally and I would return to my seat. In my
16. 7 |Gina!
mind, all I am doing is abusing myself. What a stupid, fucking idiot I am, is this how I
am going to start something with her?
I am not sure if she had noticed me, but she was all over my mind. I wanted to know
her. The aura was charismatic, although I didn’t know much about her but
sometimes all I wanted was to speak to her all day.
One fine day I got the courage! It was in December only a few days before Christmas
when we were all supposed give presents to our ‘Secret Santas’. Of the belief that
that the girl I was supposed to give the present to was Gina’s friend, I went up to her
and asked if she could help me understand what I should get based on her friend’s
likes and interests. The poor fate played into me and Gina told me that she isn’t
really a friend of hers and advised me to get chocolates as every girl loves them.
Well, I was hoping to have a longer conversation with her but my first talk was cut
short. The day came when we were all giving presents. I saw that Gina got a journal
and some stationary material. The look on her face said it all. She wasn’t amused.
That day I told myself. There’s something I have surely learned from this little
adventure which is to never get her any stationary material. Unlike some others, she
isn’t into it. Peculiar again!
I couldn’t help noticing her. My eyes would constantly roll around to get a look at her
in the corner. She was like a kid out in the garden, not a worry in the world. Would
often play with her hair, sometimes yawn on her seat while stretching her arms and
then suddenly would get glued into her laptop with the focus that would make even
17. 8 |Gina!
Einstein wonder. My focus, well it was all on her as I was only looking to come up
with ideas to start a conversation with her.
I had seen her making slides and presentations on her laptop, all through those runs
around her seat when I had been trying to say hello/good morning and stuff like that
to her. Yes, such acts had not been successful, but I was hoping this plan of mine will
be.
It was early January! I was given the task of making a presentation for the new year
highlighting the things that we as a team would be doing that year. I had prepared a
rough draft of the content I want to put in the presentation and then a brilliant idea
struck me. Why not ask Gina for a presentation template that has all the logos and
designs of the company? I went on to implement the idea and asked her the same.
“Hey! Can you help with a presentation template? I need to make one for the bosses.
Have all the content with me and had seen you work on a few slides before so
thought to ask you if you could help me with the same,” I asked.
“Sure! I have only one basic template on which I usually work. I can forward you the
same if you want,” she replied.
“Absolutely! This one has all the company’s logos on it, and hence, it works the best,”
I responded as she asked me to give her my e-mail and soon there was a mail in my
inbox.
18. 9 |Gina!
Is that really a victory? I am not sure many would describe it that way but for me it
surely was as I had taken one step closer to getting her number and laying the
foundation of a casual work friendship with her.
Yes I did make a presentation but on a completely different platform and didn’t really
use the templates Gina had sent me. I am sorry Gina! But you get that there was a
larger aim in the whole thing right?
That was one day where I was finally feeling good to be looking to start something
new but it just wasn’t enough. More such barren spells as I still continued to look up
at the ceiling while cursing my fate as to why it is so tough. Guess, good things are
always difficult, that’s the gyan I kept giving myself.
I took me two months more to come up with one, yes two fucking months! It was the
1st
of March. Although I was always interested in numbers and statistics, since she
was taking care of the same in my department, I had a brilliant plan to strike a
conversation with her and possibly, get her number. No, I am still a good boy,
nothing bad in getting the number of a girl you like right?
I went up to her with a masterplan in my mind. Although a part of me was wondering
how can I be so good in something like this since I am kind of a loser when it comes
to these aspects of life. Hey, was obviously my first word as I stuttered for a bit when
I sat down and started speaking to her.
I wanted to sound confident and impress her, but only I know how nervous things
were inside. Instead of speaking to her there at her seat, I decided to ask her if she
would want to come downstair outside the office for a bit. There were too many
19. 10 |Gina!
people around her and they were only making me nervous. She agreed and we both
went downstairs for a brief chat.
“Can you help me with some data for the Sports beat for the last month. I wanted to
understand as to where do we rank when it comes to the competition country wide,”
I asked.
She replied, “We do share the same with the managers of all beats and although I
have the access for the same, I am not really trained on it to extract that data and
don’t have my own rights either”
“My boss doesn’t have the beat-wise data either, he only has the overall. Can you get
me the same if possible?,” was my response.
“I can ask my boss Mukul for the same, he has the access to the portal which has all
such statistics and data with him,” she replied.
“Sure! That works for me,” I replied but the entire objective of the conversation was
up next. “Can I get your number? Maybe you can text me whatever the statistics or
data is at the end of the day.”
Her response was in affirmative and our numbers were exchanged. What a victory! I
had a smile on my face all throughout the day.
My phone buzzed. It was somewhere between 8 and 9.
“Hi Sahil. I spoke to Mukul about it and he is saying that yes we can share the date
with the team leads. There is no problem,” the text read. I didn’t care much about
20. 11 |Gina!
the whether we are going to get the data or not. All I was excited about that the
conversation had finally started. That is what the devil inside an otherwise saint
wanted.
It was a morale victory for me but the challenges had not ended. How do I take it on
from here? I mean, things began on professional note but what needs to be done to
twist all of this into a personal and casual direction. This time it didn’t take long for
me to figure out. Just short, simple and straight forward, it was the end of
awkwardness and little did I know that the floodgates would now open.
“Do you like to read?”, I texted her the next morning. “If you can suggest me any”,
came the response. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Is this really happening to
me? Well even those ‘Sakht Laundas’ would find it difficult to not melt at this
moment. I have been wanting to speak to her, to begin something for months and it
all seems to be happening now. Things might not look as difficult now that they have
started to unfold but only I know how much I have eaten my own mind to reach
here.
We were chatting throughout the weekend, day or night. I had not enjoyed so much
for a very long time. There were butterflies all over my stomach, a happy feeling that
I had forgotten about. Well, things were about to get more interesting as I was to
meet her in the office after the weekend. She was the same girl to me but things had
changed, for the good obviously.
As she arrived in office, my eyes were glued to her. Probably she noticed it too but I
couldn’t stop looking at her. The butterflies were buzzing more, they felt happier
21. 12 |Gina!
that day and everything seemed more colourful. Well, enough of the Yash Chopra-
like build-up to this love story, but there was a lot more still needed to be done.
Although things had been quite slow until now, it all accelerated at a pace I couldn’t
imagine. No awkwardness, no dilemma, we talked, and talked and talked. Sometimes
we would go downstairs in the office, sit and share things we valued, opinions and
takes on subjects varying from what we want from life to as small as an office gossip.
The most beautiful thing in that early phase for me was our 4’O’Clock get together.
My shift would end at four and although her’s wouldn’t, she would come out to
spend some time with me. Those roller-coaster of conversations were soon about to
become a major part of our lives. Be it breakfast or lunch breaks, or random timeouts
that we took during the day, we were becoming buddies and neither of us knew how
and why these things were happening. Though I was glad they were, and probably,
she was too!
22. 13 |Gina!
Two Stories of a Coin!
How often does it happen that you see you connect with someone on a level that
makes you see yourself in them? No, it had never happened with me before. Gina
told me stories of her, her family – which is the most important thing for her than
everything in this entire world – a very special friend of his, her college life, the past
two years of her life which probably were the hardest.
She wasn’t the kind of person who took everything casually. Sometimes she would
try to find meaning in everything that was happening around her. Sometimes she
would try to hide behind certain things that she didn’t want her life to revolve
around. The good, bad and ugly, she narrated all there was to in front of me.
We both opened our hearts out to each other, telling things that I personally had
never shared with anyone. In turn, I think she also shared some of the deepest
insights from her life. Yes, we both had our own different journeys, different
struggles, different challenges, but there was a sense of similarity which pulled me
closer to her. And maybe, her to me.
Post-college time wasn’t the finest for Gina. Losing some very dear friends had hit
her hard. Whereas, I had lost someone that I was expected to spend my whole life
with. The relationships were very different but while the losses had instilled a sense
of fear in her perspective of such deep friendships and relationships, I had no idea
about what my life was all about. Yes, I tend to put all my eggs in basket, make one
person my entire life and just didn’t know what to do what that world collapsed.
23. 14 |Gina!
I don’t quite know what I brought to the table for Gina. How much of help I could be
to lift her up but she was all I needed. Though I had never expected to have someone
like her who is so much more full of life than I am, in my life.
As I began to know her, I realised how Gina and I were similar in many ways. One day
were talking about relationships in general. That was when she told shared her
perspective of the entire subject with me, which was, to be honest, was as peculiar
as she is.
She believed that most people get into relationships just because they want to,
without really knowing if that person is the person they want to be with. It was the
feeling of being in a relationship that mattered to people more than being happy and
content with themselves.
In times where people jump from one relationship to another, Gina found solace in
herself. It was more about finding herself and creating her own identity than to find
comfort in another person. She would often tell me that her parents and family
members – and that includes a large number of people btw – would always treat her
as a kid. Yes, she did act like children on many occasions but her understanding of
life, the way she valued relationships, the way she cared about people close to her,
was very that of a mature person who had seen a lot in life.
Gina is an absolute chatterbox. Yes, I do talk less and find it difficult to moult my
feelings and stories into words but she could go on and on and on. During one such
24. 15 |Gina!
conversations, she told me that she doesn’t want to have kids. The reason behind
this decision was as beautiful as the person she is.
Even during the 2-year-spell after college where she wasn’t quite at her emotional
best, Gina continued to do one good thing. Which was to teach underprivileged
children. Gina was a top student who got over 90% marks mostly, except in college
but that is a completely different story.
She is of the opinion that instead of creating more children, one should take care of
the ones who already exist. Adopt, give a homeless child a family that he or she
otherwise has no scope to have.
Now, tell me something! How would my heart not melt hearing this? How would my
heart not start pounding for her? Yes, my heart hadn’t fully repaired but I think this
was the moment it had found someone to ‘move on for’. Found someone who is so
compassionate that even the coldest of hearts would melt.
But, you know what? I didn’t want to have children either. Yes, my believes weren’t
so determined and even though I have been against ‘producing’ more children, the
girl that was earlier in my life had persuaded me to change my belief as she want to
bring a life into this world. Of course, I loved that girl and I couldn’t let this condition
become the reason behind use parting ways.
After hearing what Gina had to say, I had one of my quirky little chats with the God.
FYI, I do not believe in the concept of God as we know. But I did have my own
definition of the supernatural power with whom I talked a lot since I didn’t have
25. 16 |Gina!
many people in my life with whom I could share things as I felt. One more FYI, this is
not sad, just my kind of stupid.
Coming back to the point where I had my special little conversation with the God, I
did ask the superpower if it was all planned, if this what I was being directed to. Of
course, there wasn’t an answer and honestly, I didn’t need one either. I was enjoying
seeing things falling into place. Seeing someone being so similar to me in terms of
things that mattered to me so much. I didn’t know what the future held for me but I
was happy, so happy that I had not been for a long, long time.
The connection we had was blossoming and there was one moment where Gina also
showed keen interest in knowing my bucket list. The things I wanted to do in the
future. She asked me to create a list and share with her. I asked her to do the same
but she said that she herself didn’t know what she wanted. But, maybe after reading
my list she would get some clarity and she could create one herself.
At first, I only created a travel list but then I really put a thought into things. My dad
was in town and we had gone to a Gurudwara after we had done some shopping for
his shop.
There was one item in the list, “to get back something that I had lost as a child”. Gina
didn’t really ask me upon the first glance at the list as to what it was but that
question popped up a day later.
At first I told Gina that I wasn’t really comfortable sharing what it was on the phone
and insisted on the matter being discussed when we next hung out. A few days later,
that moment came!
26. 17 |Gina!
This was probably the memory from my childhood that I held the closest to my heart.
My family had lost its home when I was in third standard due to financial setbacks. I
remembered how it was leaving that place, my grand parents as well as my cousins
who lived nearby. I am not sure whether I would ever be able to fulfil this dream but
before I die, I want live in that same house again.
This is a part of my story that only one other person knew and Gina had now become
the second one. I didn’t have the most pleasant experience of sharing this with the
other person (my ex-girlfriend) but the look on Gina’s face was totally different.
She took me damn seriously, more than anyone ever did. It was back then that she
said this but a few months later that she told me that it was THE MOMENT that she
wanted to tell me, “She loved me for this”. Yes, Gina didn’t believe in sharing such
things with me as it would set wrong precedence for the future. But yes, just the fact
that she would accept me for feeling this sent me to seventh heaven.
27. 18 |Gina!
A ’Classic’ Love Story
Gina and I often used to spend time with each other during breaks in the office. Since
our shift timings were a little different – I worked from 7 AM to 4 PM while she
worked from 11 AM to 7 PM – we struggled to hang out together post work. Then,
sometimes, I would deliberately come late to work (in a different shift) in order to
accompany her post-work. Sometimes, she would try to leave a little early so that we
could spend time together.
Yes, I didn’t mind waiting for hours for her to get free either. Of course, because it
was her. But she would really get angry seeing me wait for long durations. But what
did we do after work? Where did we go? Well, Gina had a special place of which she
had some fond memories. Coincidentally, I didn’t have many fond memories of that
area in general.
There was this Ice cream parlour named ‘Classic’ in Fantasyland. Yes, that place was
fantasyland to me as Gina and I used to have our small, little dates there. The girl I
was seeing before and was also close to marrying her, lived in the area and I wasn’t
all comfortable going deboarding the metro in that area when Gina first took me
there.
We had gotten free from work early. Gina had about 2 hours to spare before she had
to head home. She took me the ‘Classic’, the ice cream parlour. She used to come
there quite often, sometimes with her family members and sometimes with her
28. 19 |Gina!
college friends. It had been long since she had been there. Now, it was me standing
in front of her at a place which she absolutely adores.
BTW, she loves chocolates, chocolate ice creams, pizza, fries, Maggie (not atta
Maggie, the originally one, Maida). I wasn’t too keen on such food items as she was
but I always had a smile on my face whenever we went there. I guess, it was all
because of Gina.
Classic soon became our go-to place after work. It was where we had the most
personal conversations of our lives. But, it was our first visit there that got me so
close to Gina.
When I came to know that we were deboarding the metro at ‘fantasyland’, I was a
little apprehensive since the girl who was no longer in my life lived in that area. This
was the area I used to come to meet her. But, I had not been to that area for about
8-10 months since it gave me all those vibes and that a rush of emotions would make
me really uncomfortable. Gina, of course, didn’t know this.
We went to Classic, a place I had never been to with my ex, and the storm inside me
had calmed. It was so easy to talk to Gina, get to know her world. Her stories, they all
fascinated me. But most importantly, the light I saw in her eyes. We opened our
worlds to each other at ‘Classic’ and upon our return to the metro station, we had to
go to different platforms since we lived in opposite directions.
We said goodbye to each other. I got a fine little hug from Gina but it just wasn’t
enough. Something was lacking! I don’t know what got into me but I went to Gina’s
29. 20 |Gina!
platform after seeing her get ready to board the train from mine, but I didn’t really
have anything to say to her.
I don’t clearly know what had happened to me back then. Gina also asked me but I
didn’t quite have an answer. I hugged her again and once again returned to my
platform. We talked on the phone after boarding the metro which is when I told Gina
that coming to that area with her wasn’t something I was looking forward to because
of the past memories but after being to the Classic with her, the emotions inside me
had changed.
I no longer feared coming to that area. In fact, I was looking forward to coming there
again. Those feelings of butterflies in my stomach had just gotten stronger. After I
narrated the story of what that place was to me, Gina also started to wonder, “Why
it had to be this place? It’s the only place common as far as our personal lives are
concerned. Was it fate? Is that how this all works?”
Well, I am not a firm believer in the concept of fate but she is. Even during our
conversations whenever a question over our future would pop-up, she would say
‘fate’. “Agar fate mein hoga, to ho jayega”. I didn’t quite look at things that way but I
wanted the ‘fate’ to be in my favour this time as I was IN LOVE WITH HER.
Well, yes we both had different concepts and ideas about the ‘love life’ in general
but this relationship or whatever it was was prospering. Classic was becomes used to
hosting us. She would have her favourite chocolate ice creams, waffles, sometimes
even fries and I would get a scoop of (actually it hardly mattered, as all I wanted was
to be there and spend time with Gina). Of course I was more into her than she was,
30. 21 |Gina!
but the warmth of her company was just too comfortable. I was finding a friend, a
very close friend, a home in Gina and she could see that in my eyes.
Gina and I enjoyed each other’s company, that was clear. But as we spent more an
more time with other, we shared more of our live with each other. Gina knew I was
in love with her and the feelings were only growing deeper. Yes, she sometimes
feared what would happen in the future when would need to drift apart.
Yes, she had made it clear to me that a future together is nearly impossible. Her
parents had different plans for her and I didn’t quite fit in them. Even when she told
something as hard and heartbreaking as this to me, I didn’t really matter to me. I had
a smile on my face constantly, yes constantly. Something inside me just didn’t want
to give up and at such an early stage, no, not at all.
Gina would tell me stories about her family, especially her father who is the most
important person in her life. Gina is incredibly close with her family, which to her is
the most important thing in the world. She made it clear to me that she would never
do anything that goes against her family’s wishes. Yes, these words are terrifying but
something kept telling me don’t give up, see this phase out and who knows what
happens in the future.
She lived with her father and mother. Her brother was in college, away from home
and would only come home on festivals, special occasions and holidays. Then there
was her grandparents, uncles and aunts.
The strong bond she shared with her family was something that I was still trying to
understand. I lived away from my family. Would only get to see my parents 2-3 times
31. 22 |Gina!
a year. I didn’t quite share a good rapport with relatives. Quite a few of them were
superficial. When I first returned to the city after spending 9 years in the mountains
where my family is permanently settled, things had turned a lot different from how
they were when I had left as an 8-year-old.
I didn’t know what it was to be cared for by close friends and relatives. My parents
went through tough times when they first moved away from the city to the
mountains. It was all about making ends meet. Sometimes I would help my mother
teach young students. We did everything we could to make ends meet. The tough
times we spent together had gotten us really close to each other but also quite far
from uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents.
I lost my grandad when I was probably 10 or 11. We didn’t even get to attend his
funeral. When I came back to the city, those uncles and aunts were quite welcoming
at the beginning. One of them took me in when I had returned as a 12th
standard
student. The warm welcomes became quite cold in a short span of time. I moved
from one relative to another and hardly anyone was willing to let me stay for more
than a couple of months.
One day, sitting at the Classic, I told this story to Gina. This was a part of me that I
had never told to anyone in my life. But, as I had said before, with Gina, things were
so easy that I kept opening up.
32. 23 |Gina!
Gina would open her arms for me, give me hugs, wipe my tears, hold my hand,
comfort me. I had missed people being so close to me. There was hardly anyone to
guide me when things got tough. Sometimes the lone fights were quite taxing. Gina
gave me the emotional comfort I had not experienced before. Yes, I was falling
more and more in love with her…
The day I told here about all these things, she gave me the longest hug. So far, I had
only known that I was a sort of burden on people. That feelings like these are what
took people away from me. But, contrary to others, Gina embraced these feelings in
me. And I, in turn, continued to open myself to her.
When it was time for us to head home, we crossed the road and Gina put her arms
around my neck and tried to comfort me. I was too deep into all those feelings that
were buried inside me. I kissed on her hand and hugged her for her mere existence.
She, however, had a complain. “You don’t even know how to hug”, were the words
from her mouth as she looked in my eyes and probably wondered how in the world a
guy like me came in her life.
Being one of those traditional romantics that I consider myself, I even once told Gina
how I envisioned her falling in love with me. Yes, I am a story teller who fantasises
quite a bit. Ever story teller does it, right? Otherwise how would that person write
fascinating stories…
After one of our visits to Classic, Gina and I were discussing about the feeling of ‘love’
and our own little interpretations of this emotion. I told Gina, “You know what, I
have even thought about how you would confess your feelings to me, if in case you
33. 24 |Gina!
ever do”. It was just this comment and we didn’t delve into the details. Later, while
talking to Gina on phone, she asked me, “You were saying you have envisioned how I
would confess my feelings for you. How exactly?” That is when I told her
“It would be right there, outside Classic. We would cross the road after having ice
cream, waffles or whatever to go home. You would stop me after we have crossed
the road, put your arms around my neck and kiss me on the nose as you would say
‘I LOVE YOU’”.
I don’t know whether Gina blushed a little or not but her response to this tale of
mine was: “Why would I kiss you on the nose, it would be on the lips as we are
adults”. Well, actually I blushed a little on hearing that and then I told her, “You can
improvise if you want to but that is how I have thought of if such a scenario ever
arises.”
Gina didn’t really share how and what she felt for me but there was one occasion
where she did admit that I was becoming an important part of her life. I was sharing
with Gina how I felt about her and the kind of things I though of about future. She
would often get annoyed whenever I would talk about the future as she had
maintained that it’s nearly impossible for anything to happen between us because of
what her family’s perspective on the entire subject.
She sort of scolded me as I shared the kind of life I dreamt of with her. As I looked
sideways with a little sorrow on my face. We were sitting right outside Classic when
this happened and she quickly said sorry, I didn’t mean to say something like this and
she hugged me from the side.
34. 25 |Gina!
She kept her arms around me for a minute or so as I asked her: “Does Gina never
want to lose me?”. She nodded with the cutest of looks on her face. I knew even if I
didn’t have a chance with this girl, I still had to give my all. She was all I ever wanted
and I was not going to go down without a fight.
Such cute little moments and conversations kept happening. Those visits to Classic, I
thoroughly cherished. I would often get Gina gifts, chocolates, whenever I could.
Whenever I would go out of town, I would call Gina to the Classic, meet her there
and give her the gifts I had brought along.
Once, I had brought an anklet and a few pairs of earrings for her. Yeah, my taste in
earrings was horrible. I didn’t quite understand what to give but the look that Gina
would have on her face when receiving those gifts would be very interesting. I had
this fantasy of putting the anklet I had brought for her on her ankle myself.
We were sitting at the Classic when I gave her the anklet. And guess what, Gina let
me put that anklet on her ankle. Oh my my, it could all be a little funny but it was just
too romantic to me. Yes, it was all quite filmy and I just hoped to have many more
such moments with her.
I knew what went through my heart whenever as we would return home from Classic
but Gina kept her feelings to herself. I could only guess what she had in her heart for
me as putting things into words wasn’t something she was confident about. The past
experiences and apprehensions about the future probably made her see things this
way. But for me, Classic would go on to become a place of love. A fantasy land where
which became the centre of this little story of mine!
35. 26 |Gina!
Not Just Poems
There were quite a few interesting conversations that took place between me and
Gina very early in ‘our journey’. She had jokingly told me how love makes people
turn into writes, poets and musicians. Grow beard and become artists in love. She did
not know back then that I used to write poems and had a knack for writing creative
passages.
Yes, I went on to write quite a few poems and passages for her. Some like an
amateur and some deep inside from the heart where I took my own sweet time. Gina
didn’t react on most of them as she would giving a reaction “against her perception
of our relationship”. There were, however, a few moments where my poems did
touch her heart, and there were a few hints I could catch. Nothing concrete though.
The first thing I ever wrote for her, however, wasn’t a poem but a detailed
description of how I saw her as a person. Gina had asked me to send her what I had
observed about her in the first few interactions we had had. I asked for a few hours
to put my thoughts together and then I sent her a text describing what I observed
about her.
The most special poem for me from the lost was, “You and me, maybe!”. I wrote it
on the plane on my way back to India from a vacation in Malaysia. Why that poem is
so special to me? It’s probably because it encapsulates the relationship Gina and I
had beautifully.
36. 27 |Gina!
There were never any sureties over she and I ending up together. Neither did we
know as to how long what we have would last. There was that hope inside my heart,
that vision of things could be if we did end up together.
I tried to put this feeling into words and I can confidently say that this was also the
poem that GINA LOVED THE MOST. But ofcourse, she wouldn’t say it as that once
again went against her belief system.
37. 28 |Gina!
The Description
Innocence: The way you talk to people, the child-like approach towards things (no hatred,
nothing fake, no arrogance).
Simplicity: Have never seen you trying to be something you are not. That's the most beautiful
thing about you.
Positivity/Liveliness: I wasn't in very positive state when u arrived. It can be said that your
liveliness triggered something positive in me.
Cute Devil: Although you would already know this, but you are cutest devil there could be. If
you don't, see yourself smiling (yes those dimples are lovely)
The Friend: You are the sort of friend everyone should have, not just because you are nice
but also because you are mad. And madness is needed in everyone's life.
You made me feel valued in times I felt disconnected from my emotional self. (All is not bad,
there's still a long way to go).
Maybe some day I will express better, but you do not know how beautiful you are. You are a
form of happiness. No one can be sad around you.
Just know that, if there could be troubles ahead, you are worth them all.
This was the first thing ever I wrote for her. A small representation of who she was
according to me. Roughly two years from that day, I stand by every word I had
written after my initial judgement.
38. 29 |Gina!
There were a few more texts I wrote for her over the next months but there was this
mail I draft that was really special to me:
The Scouting Department of Gina Football Club
It is with great pleasure that I wish to tell you how much I have been wanting to play
for your club. Although I was thinking of booking a ticket to the space and find a club
among stars myself but I am glad to have come across your club instead.
Delving into the real topic and not fooling around much, I wish I could tell you how
the past couple of months have been for me. From being not wanting to talk to
anyone to willing to bare my soul in front of you. Because of you, I have realised (still
work to do though) the importance of knowing people (especially Kranti Sambhav).
Having of the opinion that by shutting myself, I will end certain feelings forever, you
have made me understand the importance of realising things and moving forward, in
a way that the past never returns to haunt you in future.
I do not have to behave in a certain way or be afraid of being judged with you,
everything comes out easily (even the lamest of jokes).
Hanging out with people is difficult for me as I don't think they would understand me
and hence I would have to pretend being someone else. When I am with you, I don't
39. 30 |Gina!
fear a single thing. It's as If the stars smile from distance and cast their protective
spell when I have you beside me.
It would be an absolute honour to get selected to play for your club. While I
understand the selection criteria, I can assure you of scoring goals like Messi, winning
trophies like Barcelona and making you smile every I step on the football pitch.
Someday, if I become good enough to play for the Gina football club, it would be one
of the finest days of my life.
40. 31 |Gina!
The interpretation of all these texts, mails or whatever people may call it would wary
from person to person. Of course I am not Jon Bon Jovi of this world but whatever
has come and will come was straight from the heart.
Over the next year or so, I went on to write a lot of stuff dedicated to Gina.
Obviously, I am not going to share everything I wrote but the work that required the
most hardwork, the Poems.
The “Girl in the Corner” was the first-ever poem that I wrote for Gina, as she sat in
the corner right behind the row where I sat. Every poem had its story, every poem
had its reason. Some filled my heart with the utmost joy, some even had tears rolled
down by cheeks.
There was another poem that I didn’t complete. I had thought of its title as ‘Like Your
Dad’. I had planned this poem as a proposal. When I would ask Gina to marry me. I
hadn’t written a lot just ideas, bits & pieces. I didn’t quite reach that stage. Mario
didn’t quite get his queen. So that one remains mostly inside my heart. But the rest
of them, here they go:
41. 32 |Gina!
The Girl in the Corner!
“A hundred faces and thousand words, everyday’s story inside my office..
Wondering how it all happened, still questioning my fate I promise!!
Stuck in a loop chasing infinity, until one holy presence decided to appear..
Anonymous once, now hard to describe how her absence I bear!!
As the clock ticks 11, I see her in the corner
Those giggles and chatter, the vibes that make my heart murmur!!
That aura is magic, so much to say but I often retreat..
The warmth of her essence, sometimes my heart skips a beat!!
Telling me of her flaws, says she is still like a child..
A glance at her face, I witness the innocence that nature couldn’t bind!!
Those hours at work never were so rewarding..
How to tell her of feelings that I’ve been hoarding!!
Crossing the noisy roads holding her hands..
One moment here, another I am in fairylands!!
What would I not give to hold that hand forever..
With her by my side, even hardships would be cherished endeavours!!
The night sky and stars, scripting a story still unknown..
Story with the one I want to scale every milestone!!
42. 33 |Gina!
From one to another, every thought of her makes my heart warmer..
As the clock ticks 4, it’s time to meet THE GIRL IN THE CORNER!!”
43. 34 |Gina!
Love, not so subtle!
“The one I could open up to, reveal all of my flaws
No fear of judgement, though I wish some moments could pause
No drama, no chaos, you entered my life like an early morning breeze
Time flies with by my side, no matter how much I want it to freeze
The one who brought me back ashore, in you I’ve found my north star
The one I wish to go the distance with, no matter how far
Words aren’t enough to describe how I feel
Wish I could express the wounds that you heal
Sometimes I ask myself, where were you before
Yes, I love you today but tomorrow it will be much more…”
44. 35 |Gina!
Repulsive Attraction!
Good stays good unless negatively paired
If it is the law of nature then why despair?
Not a single stone unturned, such is the hunger of Bad
Craving for Good’s blood, that’s what it never had
Such infectious is the touch, filling doubts and blames
Dreadful to see those souls engulfed in negative flames
How do we reverse, the damage already done?
What are the chances, surely not zero to none.
Feeding off the Positive, Bad continues to prosper
If given of its own medicine, will it still stay stronger?
To go like for like, is it the only resolution?
Mirrored with it’s own self, even negative gives a positive solution
45. 36 |Gina!
Don’t let me go!
Unaware of your arrival, my surroundings were still all dark
The girl who would go on to light my Universe, but I needed a little more than a spark
Days went by, without me knowing of your world
I was all lost, until one day I came across a beautiful chirping bird
Saw the prettiest smile their could be, as I looked over my shoulder
Still unsure how to say, you are the one with whom I wanna grow older
It was easy to love you, but not as much to express
Ask my pounding heart, it has so much to confess
Dreaming of a world with you and fearing the one without
Imagination weaving fairytales, sometimes day in, day out
Standing in the middle of mountains, waiting for the rain to end
How beautiful life would be, with you if I got it to spend
Waking up early everyday, and serve you breakfast in bed
Sometimes just to watch you sleeping, then bring up the morning with a kiss on your
head
I’m so in love with you, and I hope you know
I want to be with you forever, promise you’ll never let me go
46. 37 |Gina!
Smitten by your smile!
A smile is the most beautiful thing you can wear, goes the proverbial saying
I am all smitten by yours, a beautiful unending loop that just keeps playing
I know it’s triggers, they are ice cream, chocolate and cake
The purity of a smile so real, it makes me feel the entire world is fake
It’s so infectious, caught my heart like nose catches flu
The day you smiled at me, the entire week I was smiling too
How often you downplay your smile, don’t you know it’s worth?
I wish sometimes is to take it with me, and travel all around the Earth
Not sure if I have the best comedy timing, but all I want is to keep seeing that smile
Know my jokes are are lame, but I wish to continue as I have all this while
Hrithik, Virat, Messi and Dr. Anshuman they don’t know what they have in you
The power to trigger that smile, I wish, I so wish to have it too
Maybe sometimes I don’t make sense, but you know I would always persist
It’s your Smile I promise to preserve, for as long as I exist
Wish to go the distance with you, not just cover a mile
I know you’ll call me crazy, but I’m just smitten by your smile
47. 38 |Gina!
You & Me, Maybe!
Change the only constant, life’s parameters not always rhyme..
But maybe things will turn out just fine!!
A dreamer I am, not just when awake, can see you with closed eyes too..
Sometimes wondering maybe everyday I’ll wake up next you!!
They always say, it all turns out for better. .
Does it mean maybe you’ll be the one to annoy me forever?!!
So much I want to do with you, some I even expressed in the blog..
Suspicions I have, maybe you’ll be the one spoiling our naughty dog!!
Hard to quantify love, but I want to do so much more..
In a certain destiny, maybe you’ll be the one I’ll make breakfast for!!
Telling you’re the one, the universe has whispered time and again..
When the clouds hover, maybe you’ll be the one I’ll dance with in rain!!
Yes the odds are slim, but you never say never..
No maybe this time, you’re the one I want to love forever!!
48. 39 |Gina!
Beyond words and expressions!
Many ways to express, not just those three magical words..
Not a single person, you’re for me the cluster of 7 worlds!!
Wandering in emptiness, sometimes I wonder..
The mysterious arrival of sunshine, from what was all rain and thunder!!
What do I have to give you, than the depth of my love..
With your hand in mine, take you beyond those skies above!!
Didn’t know I had it in me, to welcome this feeling again..
Like the wreck of a sunken ship, no ability to feel anything else but pain!!
Since the day I met you, every moment I’ve loved no matter which you pick..
No, not the first sight, it was the ease with which we click!!
Fairytales I don’t know many, but I keep writing one in my dream..
Going through phases of the life, but with you always in my team!!
Like the freshness of flowers, with a little morning dew..
My whole world blossoms, with just a mention of you!!
Sitting next to you, I keep thinking different ways of confession..
But I have for you, has gone beyond words and expressions!!
49. 40 |Gina!
My Angry Bird!
Like a bird she wants to fly, exploring forests away from her beautiful nest!
Measuring the lengths of distances, wondering if it’s for the best!!
Collecting pieces here and there, trying fix all that’s broken!
The said and unsaid, she has heard beyond what’s been spoken!!
Finding missing pieces of the jigsaw, but shapes and sizes she no longer remembers!
Telling herself how far she’s come, but deep within the feelings still ember!!
Awaiting another dawn, as the Sun shows first ray of its light!
Proving it to the world again, she prepares herself for another flight!!
With every passing day, the harder she tries!
What she’s hiding from the world, I’ve seen in her eyes!!
They all notice her little birdie chirps, but I’ve also seen her sing!
Touched by her voice, even rough seasons turn into beautiful spring!!
Away from the sight of this world, she’s fighting her own battle!
Has suppressed emotions, she no longer knows how to channel!!
Sometimes cold and abrupt, but she never intends to harm!
Those who really get to know her, get lost in her charm!!
Playful, cheerful and the most beautiful, she isn’t part of the usual herd!
The world sees her differently, for me she’s my angry bird!!
50. 41 |Gina!
To Grow Old with You!
Different languages to express, only a few words I want to say!
Entire world I wish to travel, but home is where you will stay!!
Still struggle to describe how I feel, but everyday you take my breath away!
Knew it was love, when the Moon kissed you with its first evening ray!!
With your hand in mine, sometimes I lose sense of time and place!
Somehow climbing up through your balcony I wind up in outer space!!
Strolling through chaos, it’s your face that brings me peace!
Deep in my dreams, it’s for you I have imagined getting down on my knees!!
It takes a single vow, to stitch together two hearts!
How lives merge into each another, and a new one starts!!
Yes, I want you and it’s no longer a secret I try to hide!
Maybe someday you’ll want me too, and our hands won’t be tied!!
Wish to explore with you, the beauty of night sky!
Re-writing destiny, through the stars when we fly!!
Letters, poems and songs, it’s a subtle feeling with which my heart composes!
Hoping one day you’ll tell me, I’m all yours and no-one elses!!
My jokes are poor, but all I want is to make you smile!
At every phase of life, just want to hold your hand and say you are mine!!
51. 42 |Gina!
When we are old, and that back pain is bad!
Promise I’ll be there to comfort you, never make you feel sad!!
It’s just one thing I wanna say, no matter how I twist or mould!
It’s you with whom I wish to grow old!!
52. 43 |Gina!
Mann Karta Hai!
Ek tu hi hai, jise dekhne ka mann karta hai..
Chup chap ya shor mein, bas teri hi palkein padhne ka mann karta hai!!
Hath mein hath thamey, naye raston se guzarne ka mann karta hai..
Chahe manzil tak pohchein ya nahi, bas tera sath rahe yahi mann karta hai!!
Har wo pal jo tere bina ho, usse khafa hone ka mann karta hai..
Nayi subah ki talaash mein, har raat tujhse rubaru hone ka mann karta hai!!
Kaise tujhe naraz dekhun, khud ko saza dene ka mann karta hai..
Teri khushi ka zikr hota hai har dua mein, tere liye us khuda se bair karne ka mann
karta hai!!
Faasle se ho jate hain jab tujhse, haunsle aur mazboot karne ka mann karta hai..
Wajah ki zaroorat nahi mujhe, kuch lamhe bewajah khayaal karne ka mann karta
hai!!
Ye dhadkan ab bas mein nahi mere, bas tere paas hone ka intezaar hota hai..
Seene se laga loon tujhe, par dil aur pyaar karne ka karta hai!!
Kisse sab yaad hain mujhe, par nayi kahaniyan banane ka mann karta hai..
Kaisa bhi ho sama, har manzil saath taiy karne ka mann karta hai!!
Nahi pata kitna pyaar krta hun tujhse, par aur karne ka mann karta hai..!!
53. 44 |Gina!
Five Minutes More!
Those hours on our way home, where I sometimes hold your hand!
Hate the time you go, only for a few minutes more if you could stand!!
Somedays I want the journey to pause, and witness the Sunset with you!
See the transition of day and night, how stars in sky erase all that was blue!!
The eyes run dry, those days when I don’t get to see you!
Counting days, hours and minutes to go, till one again my surroundings will be you!!
For this precious time we spend together, don’t care if I have to travel miles!
Tell you those numerous stories, that I’ve been holding all this while!!
The first time I held you in my arms, made the Universe a vow!
You’re the only star I ever want I said, and someone whispered ‘I know’!!
The distinct behaviour of time, one with you and other without!
How your absence feels like eternity, but your presence quickly runs out!!
Wonder if I could arrest the passage of time!
To admire that dimple on your cheek, just once more if I could see you smile!!
That point arrives where you head to your home and me mine!
Hope someday our destinations will be same, and a feeling that’s divine!!
Want to hold your hand, everytime I see you go!
To ask for a rew minutes more, just a few minutes more, but you know I am slow!!
55. 46 |Gina!
Wahi Bekarari, Aaaj Bhi!
Kuch alfaaz zuban pe aake baithey hain, kaise bataun ye bekarari kaisi hai..
Hazaron dafa dekha hai tumhe, par ye bekarari aaj bhi pehle jaisi hai!!
Wo din yaad hai mujhe, jab pehli baar nazrein mili thi..
Yun hi guzarte hue kareeb se, tujhmein kuch meri si jhalak dikhi thi!!
Kaise, kab, kahan, pata nhi, par kuch anmol se lamhe main ji gaya..
Kabhi nazdeekiyon se darr lagta tha, kaise bataun kitne paas mere tu aa gaya!!
Kabhi zikr aasmanon ka, kabhi guzarte hue waqt ka hota hai..
Manzil chahe jo bhi ho, ab mera har rasta tujhse hoke guzarta hai!!
Kuch panne purane jab bhi palat ke dekhta hun..
Yun hi kabhi akele mein tujhe yaad karke muskurane lagta hun!!
Har wo pal hai mushkil jo tere bina beeta karta hai..
Bheed chahe jitni ho, ye nazrein tujhe hi dhoonda karti hain!!
Kaash tu paas hota mere abhi, ek baar aur ummeedon ki raah chalte..
Aankhon mein ankhein dale, kuch dil ki baatein karte!!
Kaise bayaan karun ye pyaar, alfaazon ki jung mein hum uljhe hain..
Hazaron dafa kaha hai tumhe, par ye bekarari aaj bhi pehle jaisi hai!!
56. 47 |Gina!
I Fall For You, Everyday!
Every single day, that I look at you..
The glitter and giggle, everyday I find something new!!
The glow on your cheeks, the shine in your eyes..
Wish I could sit all night, kiss them under the starry skies!!
Those special moments I spend with you, esecially the ones in my dream..
My eyes open up hoping, you’ll be sleeping right next to me!!
Something that’s in my heart, in simplest of words I wish to say..
It wasn’t love at first sight, but I fall for you everyday!!
I wonder how you would look, when the first sunlight will fall on your pretty face..
Brightening that dimple on right, glorifying the innocense no one can erase!!
Don’t know how much I feel for you, yet to see what’s imprinted on an infinite scroll..
The world sees certain parts, but I love you as a whole!!
Even in the darkest hours, a mention of you makes it all right..
Would be a lie to say, I don’t kiss your picture before calling it a night!!
A new time, a new life, I wish to spend it with you, if you may..
It wasn’t love at first sight, but I fall for you everyday!!
57. 48 |Gina!
This Night!
Your hands on my chest, and head on my shoulder..
Wanna live this dream everyday, as I get older!!
You are mine, all mine but this heart just doesn’t believe..
Can you hear the beat? It’s racing in disbelief!!
This burning flame in your eyes, swear I’ve never seen such fire before..
Just tonight if I could love you, doubt if there’s anything else I’ll ever ask for!!
Dreams are where I’ve held you, cherished these moments before..
When you made me your pillow one night, I smiled entire day even though my arm
was sore!!
Are these the same lips I’ve been wanting to taste?
This night we have to ourselves, I promise the morning won’t be in haste
The room’s all silent, just you and me in this hour of evil
You are the angel of my universe but tonight I want you to be the devil
I’ve been waiting for that first kiss, could it all happen tonight?
It’s not just a feeling that I have, but you, me and this night!!
58. 49 |Gina!
Parallel Universe!
Space and stars fascinate me, but not as much as you..
All the struggle in this world, but maybe in parallel universe I’ll be with you!!
A world built from love, where there’s no scope for hate..
My nights will be wrapped in your arms, mornings will begin looking at your face!!
My heart would be pounding, thinking how this dream came true..
To wake you up from the sleep, all I plan is to kiss you!!
In family we’ll welcome two new guests, a German Shepherd and a Labrador..
With little Kazama and Murphy, our house won’t be empty anymore!!
When it will be time for football, you may wear jersey of the opponent team..
Wins would end in celebrations, but losses with my head in your lap and tears in
extreme!!
Chocolates and ice creams cheer you, but that’s not what I’ll be in need of..
Nothing else would lift my mood in sad times, other than your love!!
We’ll build one house in the forests, through the glass roof gazing at the starry skies..
Making love to each other deep in the woods, in midst of howlings and cries!!
Together we’ll travel the world, the tallest of mountains and deepest of oceans..
Weaving the tales of our love, just like a poetry in motion!!
59. 50 |Gina!
Everyday building on this adventure, we’ll paint our sky pink..
All I ever want is to hold your hand, and we’ll pass all obstacles without a blink!!
Unaware of my fate here, but in parallel universe it will all be true..
That’s a world I dream of, where for me you’ll express your love too!!
60. 51 |Gina!
Naraazgi Teri!
Rootha hua sa dekha jab tujhse, khud se khafa ho gyi nazrein meri..
Wajah talaashti nigahein ye, kaash dur kar skti naraazgi teri!!
Din guzarte jaaane kaise, raatein tera intezaar karti hain..
Un lamhon ko kya matlab dun, jo adhoori si raahein bayaan karti hain!!
Jab yaad krta hun wo baatein, hui thi jo guzare hue us waqt mein..
Panne palat ke dekhun jo purane, muskurane si lagti hain ye aankhein!!
Yaad nahi ab is mann ko, kab dekha tha aakhri baar tujhe..
Tasweerein jab tatolta hun teri, jaise dekhti hain wo bhi naraazgi se mujhe!!
Baithe hue kabhi raat mein, sochta hun jab tujhe manane ke tareeke..
Khudse hi baatein karne lagta hun, kabhi apni kabhi teri awaaz mein!!
Chahe na ho yahan mere qareeb, iss waqt mein tu..
Ek aisa din nahi beeta, jahan na tujhe main yaad karoon!!
Jaane kis mod pe aake ruki hai raahein ye meri..
Shayad intezaar mein hain us mauke ki, jo dur kar de ye naraazgi teri!!
62. 53 |Gina!
The Move Across Time(s)
There had been a few hiccups in the relationship Gina and I had while she was
working in the same office as me. We regularly used to go out to Classic but there
was one incident where Gina said she didn’t want to and it’s not certain that we
would go out every week.
I was quite amazed as to what had happened. She didn’t give me any reason then
but we spoke on the phone later that night. It was then that she told me about
certain fears she was getting. Going out with me regularly, talking so much on the
phone. All of this was getting us extremely close to each other.
That night Gina told me that she was scared of getting closed to me. I was becoming
a big part of her life and daily routine and all of this scared her as she didn’t see a
future. I explained it to her that there wasn’t anything to be scared of. Yes, we were
closed to each other and but that something to celebrate and not fear. Overthinking
what may happen in the future would only ruin what we have and that’s not good.
She understood and her mood dramatically changed. She asked me to come over so
that she could hug me. No, I didn’t have her address and no, I didn’t go to her place
to hug her. There was virtual hug and the exchange of that warmth between us
which was enough.
A few of such mild cases happened in the future too but then that time came where
she told me that she was moving on from the office where we worked to a different
one. The new office was only across the building but the news broke me into tears.
63. 54 |Gina!
We were having lunch when she told this to me and I was quite possibly the first one
to whom she had given this news. I tried to control me tears but a few still came out.
Gina was visibly upset seeing me crying but I explained it to her that these aren’t all
sad tears.
Of course I was happy seeing her getting a better profile at a better organization but
that fear of me losing her activated again. I have been afraid of losing her since the
day I realized what I felt for her and I lived the same fear again.
I am an extremely emotional person and even Gina knows it. Seeing my weep, she
said that she would withdraw that plan and stay at the same office (all in an angry
tone). This attachment is what Gina has been afraid of for since the beginning and
she was righto be upset.
A few days before she was to join the new company, I had even asked her if her
going there would change things between her. The answer I got was: “I don’t want to
think about ‘Love Life’, this is the time I need to focus on what I need to do
professionally”.
And, she was absolutely right. My insecurities, my fears should only be handled by
myself and shouldn’t feel that pressure. I somehow made myself understand and
didn’t ask that same stupid question again. All I asked from her was a few days to let
the feeling sink in!
There were obvious challenges of her working in a new office. Though there was this
common cafeteria where we continued to have lunch together most of the days, the
fact that she was no longer ‘The Girl in the Corner’, was a hollow feeling.
64. 55 |Gina!
I missed her, I missed her so much I don’t have the right words to explain the feeling.
Since my shift started early, I would always see her walking in. My heart would
immediately start pounding as she would walk in. She had had vibrant energy that I
could sense from a distance. It was a magical feeling.
Now, however, there was a void, a big void that I struggled with. Sometimes I would
go and stand outside my office from where I could see her building. Once or twice, I
even got a glimpse of her walking in. That was enough for me, I had to get used to
this feeling of her absence. She wasn’t gone from my life but this new reality was
something I needed some time to adapt too.
Gina was also a little tensed seeing me behave the way I was, and I do not blame her.
I had become so used to her presence that overcoming this feeling was tough. Gina
and I would go for breakfast and lunch together, it too me a little while to adjust to
this normal.
The work, the people, the environment at Gina’s new workplace was engaging, a lot
more than it was at the my organization. She was always a workaholic who gets
herself engrossed in her work, shutting out the outside noise on most occasions. I
could see how good she was finding the new place. But there was this one instance
which where I figured the sort of problems I was causing her.
Yes, I would always look to spend more time with her, wait for her after my shift is
over hoping to accompany her on her way home. The time we spent together was
65. 56 |Gina!
reducing and I was trying harder to create more opportunities wherein I could spend
time with her.
All that led to Gina telling me one day, “All I am thinking about is you. Most of my
day goes about thinking about what has been happening”. It was once again a
comment that didn’t lead any discussion but one thing was clear. The thoughts of me
and how things were between us was making it hard for her to concentrate on her
work.
That was probably the first moment, I now realize, that I should’ve understood
where she was coming from. But the insecurities and fears of losing her made a little
more pushy. There would be times where we would not talk after work (something
that we hardly used to miss earlier), and this would make me upset at times.
Whenever I would ask Gina to call me or meet me, and should would not be able to, I
wouldn’t say it to her but I kept craving more of her time. She would not hear the
same from me but she also understood all that.
Yes, I blame myself for all these things too but at that point in time I didn’t really
know what else to do. It was becoming harder for me to concentrate on my work too
as I lived in the Gina-shaped void inside the office. Our conversations on WhatsApp
were also getting shorter. Yes, we were not school or college going kids, we needed
to be mature. Well, she actually was but I wasn’t.
About 3-4 months before Gina’s 25th
birthday, I had decided to something special for
her. She loved the Indian cricket team captain Virat Kohli. I wanted to give Gina a
Virat Kohli jersey, signed by the man himself. I didn’t have direct way to contact him
66. 57 |Gina!
so I started looking around, spoke to a few people who could get me in touch with
him or just get a jersey signed.
Things were in process but nothing could’ve been done at least a month before
Gina’s birthday. Since Virat was in New Zealand, it wasn’t logistically possible for me
to get a signed jersey from him. Then, this idea struck me. Although I knew that the
chances of me establishing a contact with Virat through social media were negligible,
I decided to give a shot!
“Sir! First of all best of luck for the series in New Zealand.
I am a big fan of yours and my girlfriend is absolutely crazy about you.
Her birthday is coming up and I want to present her a signed jersey of yours.
Maybe I am asking a little too much. But is there a way this can happen? I can buy
one and send it to you for your autographs wherever you will ask me to.
Love is very important and you know it better than anyone else. Please help. Her
name is Gina!”
That was the message I wrote to Virat. I sent a few follow-up messages too but didn’t
get a response.
Once, Gina and I were having lunch in the cafeteria when the topic of her birthday
popped-up. We discussed the idea of me getting her a jersey (not a signed one, as I
wanted to keep that a surprise). Her response was, “You better get me one or there
are people at here (at her new office) who could get her one”.
67. 58 |Gina!
This statement of her pissed me off a little. Out of disappointment I decided to show
her what I was actually planning. I grabbed my phone and started to show her the
message I had sent to Virat a few days ago but then I decided no, that wasn’t a good
idea. Gina had realized there was something. She asked me to show what I was trying
to and I gave in. Gina looked at the entire message and looked flabbergasted. She
didn’t say anything but the look on her face said a lot.
I was also planning to go on a short trip the next day and I asked Gina if she would
meet me after the office for a bit. This had become a sort of custom where I would
also see her for a bit before departing for a trip. This time was no different. But Gina
outrightly refused.
As we were walking back to office from cafeteria, I asked her what was wrong. She
said nothing. I asked again as she looked lost in her thoughts. As I put pressure on
her to tell me what had happened, she said that I did something really big and she
needed some time to digest what had just happened.
We didn’t meet that day, but later Gina told me something very important. The fact
that I was doing everything possible in this sort of relationship but she can’t do
anything, made her feel bad.
“There is one person in a relationship who is doing everything he can, but there is
another person who can’t even if she wants to”, these were the words that Gina said.
This section should probably be named the mistakes I made, but I’ll let it be for now.
68. 59 |Gina!
Fortunately, Gina wasn’t angry with me for long. When I was on my trip, she sent me
a photo of her with ‘Hugsy’, a stuffed-toy that I had gifted to her on Christmas.
Also, since I have mentioned the foolish mistakes I had made here that got Gina
angry, there was also a time when I had kept half-a Karvachauth fast for her. No, I
don’t even wish to get into the details but it took about a week for things between
Gina and I to get normal after that happened.
69. 60 |Gina!
‘Un’Certainity
As narrated before, I was sort of living in an uncertainty as to what the changes
meant for what Gina and I had. Gina wasn’t talking to me the way she used to. It all
started probably a month before the lockdown began. It was as if I was chasing her
to talk to me or spend time with me. She didn’t even share with me what was
keeping her so occupied. We were barely even having lunch together. But, as poor as
I was in handling situations like these, I let things be the way they were this time.
Soon, the ‘Work From Home’ system started and we were all asked to start working
from home. Nothing bothered me as much as the fact that the distance between me
and Gina was even going to become bigger.
Even at times we spoke, there wasn’t that comfort in Gina’s voice that I had gotten
used to. I still don’t know what it was. At times when I even tried to ask Gina what
was happening, she would tell me that “she wasn’t speaking to any people”. The
Work From Home thing had gotten into everyone’s mind. I thought maybe that was
what Gina was struggling with too.
Connecting the dots wasn’t the best thing I could do at that moment. So once again, I
let things be.
Days passed by, weeks passed by, months passed by! It was an extremely weird
feeling. First, having to stay indoors the entire day without seeing anyone, living
hundreds of kilometers away from your parents, seeing them worry about your
health day-in, day-out. There was a lot going on in my head but the girl I usually used
70. 61 |Gina!
to talk to about virtually every aspect of my life, reaching her was becoming tougher
and tougher.
The problem, as I see it wasn’t exactly the fact that we weren’t talking much but the
uncertainty I was living under. Months had gone by I didn’t know what exactly was
the matter. Once, Gina had mentioned that she wasn’t talking to anyone. On another
occasion, she said that it’s the fact that I keep saying “I miss you” that is making her
not respond to my calls or messages.
I limited myself from texting her or calling her but then I made the mistake of writing
another poem for her. This was an emotional one.
“Just when I though you have understood things, you come up with this”, was Gina’s
response to the poem. It all seemed far from my reach and beyond my
understanding. Yes, I was struggling to repair things between me and Gina but the
problem was I didn’t even know what exactly was broken.
In one of her texts, Gina told me that I had to work on ‘THIS’ myself. I didn’t know
what ‘THIS’ was but there were enough hints for me to think about and work on.
I asked her that I needed to understand what was happening. All of this has been
going on for way to long. I only had questions in mind and absolutely no answers.
Everything I was trying to bring things back to normal between me and her was
working against me. Be it having casual conversations or something serious, Gina
hardly was responding. Why? I don’t know but I needed to find my answers.
We had a phone call one evening and things started to get clear.
71. 62 |Gina!
I do not even recall most the conversation that took place, but one specific part.
During that call, Gina shared the possible reasons behind things not being the same
between us. The biggest one that she gave me was “Maybe I like someone else,
maybe I like someone else, maybe I like someone else”, these were her exact words.
I didn’t react to what I heard immediately and tried to deal with things calmly.
The fact that Gina ‘maybe’ liked someone else should’ve let me all broken and
bruised right? But the shock of hearing this from her was probably too big for me to
realise what was happening.
I instead told her that even if she did she should tell that to me. We do not have
anything binding us to each other. We spent whatever time with each other because
we wanted to. Now if she likes someone else she should be comfortable in telling me
that. We have shared a great bond and understanding and that should remain the
same.
Gina didn’t really clear that ‘maybe’ aspect. During that conversation she also said
that she ‘didn’t want to hurt me’. Again, I didn’t know what and how to interpret as
the flow and sequence of the information I was getting was jumbled.
There was another reason she had mentioned. We knew well before that a future
together was hardly possible but there were times where we would talk about
getting married (only jokingly). On the phone call, I told Gina that I know it’s 99% not
possible but she said no 100%.
She then explained what ‘No 100% meant’. “I have already been fighting with my
parents on a few levels for a few other things. Those fights are sort of creating a
72. 63 |Gina!
distance between me and them. I don’t want to bring in another reason that takes
me further away from them. I can’t fight for you. Maybe the last girl who ended
things with you didn’t give you a precise reason but I am”.
Gina also told me that she was losing sleep thinking about me. I was constantly in her
head and this was causing troubles in her work as well as her sleep. Both, she loved
btw! And that is why things had to change. I said that I didn’t know all of this and I
absolutely don’t want her to suffer. And hence, things had to change.
She also advised me to do things for people ‘who actually loved me’. The people who
deserved my attention more than her. Before we hung up the call, she said that I
shouldn’t text her asking to call me or to talk to me. When she feels like doing that,
she would do that on her own.
I did that. No phone call, no texts. About a month later, it was my birthday when she
texted. We spoke briefly and I could sense that awkward feeling between us. Since
our last phone call, those words “Maybe I like someone else”, were buzzing in my
ears.
I began to question myself, why would she say something like that to me? Does she
have anyone else in her life now? Why the ‘maybe’? Is there someone she likes but
she afraid to tell me as that would ‘hurt me’?
It was the last question that connected a few dots and made some sense. Maybe she
does like someone and that is why things have been weird and distant between us all
this while. She hasn’t been able to clear this with me as she is probably afraid what
this was going to do to me.
73. 64 |Gina!
Yes, I was struggling but this complexity was making her struggle too. I had to do
something to ease things up and there was just one thing I could do, to tell her I also
want to be in the space she is, that I also want to move ahead of this feeling I was
holding in my heart. That was the only way we could co-exist peacefully. That’s all I
could think of and I told her that I want to talk and ‘move ahead’.
Gina called the next day I had sent this message. She asked me to open my laptop
and get on a Hangout call. Not a video chat but she wanted to access to my laptop
screen. What she had in mind was absolutely crazyyyyyyyyy!!
She got me log into the Desktop version of WhatsApp and asked: “Will you do
something I will ask you to without asking questions?” My response was in the
affirmative. She asked me to delete all the chats I had of her on WhatsApp and even
the backup. I got numb for a few seconds but then I told her: “Fine, if that is what
you want, I’ll do it. It doesn’t matter much to me whether I have your chats or not”.
I did it. Then Gina explained: “Since you want to move on, this is something that
needs to be done.” In fact, she told me that she had done the same when she ended
things with this guy she was sort of seeing before me.
We continued to talk and my biggest question to her was “what changed?” Things
were going well for us and soon I became this ‘headache’ to her that she last told me
about. I told her that I saw her the same way, I feel for her the same way but ‘what
changed?’. She said that nothing changed as she also saw me the same way but she
can’t really explain ‘what changed’.
74. 65 |Gina!
But she did confirm that that she can’t be the way she had been with me. “I can be
the person I was to you for the first 10 days we had met but not the one I was after
that. I am there if you need any help but I can’t be with you the way I was.”
What do I make of this? Only one thing, that we can’t be how we were. That was it
for us. Isn’t it? When I asked her if we could remain friends, she said that she didn’t
feel the same as she did with her other friends. I struggled so much to get a grasp of
things there. How come two person who spent so much time with each other could
be talking like this?
We spoke for a bit and agreed to remain friends and keep things casual between us.
It’s been that way since then. But that night where we had this conversation, it was
all heavy, really heavy.
The subsequent weeks, a few months went by in tears. I would often dream about
Gina. Yeah, I know I am not supposed to be saying this but I missed her. Missed her
so much. The only thing I kept wondering was what could I have done different to
not be in a position I got into.
I think we all have certain what ifs in life and the beauty or maybe the sorrow of
those what ifs is that we’ll never know the flip side.
75. 66 |Gina!
I do, I do, I do…
There were plenty of things I wanted to tell Gina, express how much I love her in
different ways and such times too where I missed her. But there were restrictions.
Gina didn’t want me tell her that I loved her or express similar feelings as they made
her feel bad as she couldn’t say the same to me. She would always be like, “You
would never understand how it feels when you tell me all these things”.
That was when I decided that I would tell her all those things but in a way that she
would not know. Yeah, I had an idea. I started to create a log in my phone where I
would write whatever I wanted to tell her. Good things, bad things, everything.
Once Gina and I were hanging out at restaurant where I shared the same with her. I
told her, see I would not be tell you these things but I can’t keep them inside too. So,
I will be putting all those things in this log.
I maintained that blog, even in those times when things weren’t going good between
Gina and me. In times where I craved communication with her, had no option but to
write in that log what I felt and that I needed her, that I missed her.
July 31st
2020 was the day I put my last entry in the log as that was the day we had
decided to ‘only be friends’. That wasn’t of course my wish but that was what it was.
There was one exception though. On January 24, 2021, I was really, really missing
her. I still don’t know why but I just couldn’t stop thinking about her. I did put
another entry in the log that day. Here’s how they go:
1. I love you - 12:41 pm August 10
76. 67 |Gina!
2. I love you idiot, bas aur kuch nhi -3:15 pm August 11
3. A Facebook post - This reminded me of you. 4:32 pm, August 14
4. I love you - 10:45 pm, August 18. I wish I could hug you right now
5. I love you so much - 10:40 pm August 20
6. Love you Gina - 10:17 pm August 21
7. I know you need a hug right now and I wish I was there. Sleep well, love you. -
10:40 pm August 24.
8. Sorry if I got you in some trouble today. I love you so much - 10:01 Aug 27.
9. You know, how much I enjoyed the day today. One thing that I wanted to do
but couldn't was to hold your hand, look into your eyes and say I love you --
Aug 31 9:58 pm
10.Haan, I was really missing you today. I wish I could hug u before sleeping. But,
fir kabhi. Love you!!! - SEP 2 10:09 pm
11.I was wandering here and there the whole day, but I kept thinking of you. How
much I wanted to have lunch with you and go to places with you. I know you
know it deep down, how much I love you. - Sept 4 6:12 pm
12.Office mein maza nhi ata when u are not there. I am missing you - Sept 07,
1:00 pm
77. 68 |Gina!
13.You know my imagination is strong, and while finishing that poem, there's a
lot I imagined. Specially how much I love you. - SEP 10 11:14 pm
14.In office today, Jaya was sitting on your seat. She dropped her water bottle. I
immediately looked towards her thinking you were sitting. I missed you the
whole day from there on. Love you my idiot - SEP 13 12:15 pm
15.Gina, this reminded me of you. Maybe when you'll have a dog, I'll record your
video like this. Cute girl! Love you... – A Facebook post
16.We sat down after quite some time and I cannot tell you how happy I feel. I
wanted to hold your hand throughout and say I love you while looking into
your eyes. - SEP 21 10:25 pm
17.My cutie pie, I want more of those boomerangs and pictures. I love u bohot
Sara - SEP 23 10:45 pm
18.I want to be there when you are sick, see you fall asleep in front me and kiss
you on the head to say good night. Manage kr lunga main kuch time. Get well
soon! - SEP 26 5:03 pm
19.Aaj TV pe Kabir Singh a Rahi thi. Yes, maine dekhi. I started to miss you. Idiot!
Bas hug kar ke love you bolna tha. -- SEP 29 5:45 pm
78. 69 |Gina!
20.You know I get awkward around you sometimes and heart starts to pound
rapidly. We'll, here's an example - Oct 02 7:24 am (Two Facebook Posts that I
wanted to share with her)
21.Ye ladka Gina ko bohot pyar krta hai. Bohot. Sacchi mein. - Oct 06 4:09 am
22.Sometimes we don't realise how important some people become in our lives.
You've been someone very dear to me for a long time and with every passing
day, I love you even more. I know sometimes I annoy you but there's a lot love
that I want to give you. -- SEP 08 10:13 pm (A Facebook post)
23.Yes, I hope you were here today. I really missed you. And I know u wanted to
come too. Maine kafi kuch plan kiya tha. But, sometime else may be. Love
you!!! - Oct 15, 1:04 AM
24.I won't do it again Gina. It just happened. My love for u is above these stupid
things. Don't let this spoil the beautiful relation that we have. You won't have
another reason to complain. I promise -- Oct 19, 10:15 pm
25.I have so much to say. Just want to sit in front of you and don't take my eyes
off you. The past few days have been hard. I miss you. -- Oct 22, 4:15 pm
26.Diwali ke time pe we couldn't talk but that call was enough for me to tell that
someone that this girl is family. She is one of my dear ones who I love bohot
Sara. -- Oct 28 12:32 am
79. 70 |Gina!
27.I had decided that we'll talk about some fun things today. No work stress. But
Gina ne call hi nahi kiya. Ye ladka hamesha available hai waise jab bhi Gina ko
hug chahiye. Love you - Nov 02 1:20 am
28.I wanted to call you. Have not spoken to you theek se the past few days. If you
also wanted to call karna tha na. Gina idiot hai. Sahi mein. But meri favourite
hai, sacchi mein. Love you -- Nov 07 10:45 pm
29.Maine Gina ko bohot yaad kiya trip pe. I don't know main kyun itna stupid
hun. Shayad Gina ka hug utna often nhi milta na isliye. But this stupid Me
loves Gina a lot.
-- Nov 16, 11:55 pm.
30.Was just feeling the urge to hug you. Maybe someday... Love you!!
-- Nov 24, 9:41 pm.
31.Even when I don't want anyone, I want to talk to you.
-- Nov 27, 11:28 pm
32.I don't know how and when I fell so in love with you. But i did -- Dec 02, 5:41
pm
33.You said you were missing me. It was the first time ever you said that you
know? I know. Love you!!
-- Dec 06 10:40pm
80. 71 |Gina!
34.Aaj maine Gina ke liye pulao banye hain. Zyada acche to nhi bane hain, but I
hope she eats it. -- Dec 12 7:26 am
35.(A Youtube video) - This just made me think of you. I love you!! -- Dec 14
5:51 pm
36.What I feel for you is much bigger than someone wanting to take you out on a
date. Seeing you happy makes me happy. I love you, sach mein!! -- Dec 21
9:07 am
37.Can't see you sad. Just can't. You take your time and sort out whatever it is.
Love you!! - Jan 06 3:05 pm
38.I missed you the whole day. Call karne ka mann kiya but I know you want
some time with yourself. I'll be waiting for you - Jan 11 9:47 pm
39.I am happy for you. The tears said something else, but that's normal. Sach
mein. I am going to miss you for sure. - Jan 15 4:56 pm
40.I am so so happy today. I love you - Jan 18 10:08
41.I just want to get a signed jersey for you. I want it to be special. Isliye!! -- Jan
24
42.Wish you were here with me, under these stars -- Jan 26 10:13
43.I have loved you for a long time and I am going to that for as long as I can. --
Jan 31 11:17 pm
81. 72 |Gina!
44.Pata nhi kya hota hai weddings mein. Chahe kisi ki bhi tere sath hone ka mann
karta hai. Tera haath pakad ke. I love you! -- Feb 08 11:01 pm
45.I love you when you are happy and more so when you are sad. I love you har
cheez mein -- Feb 15 10:21
46.I can't go even half a day without talking to u. You don't know ho much I miss
you. I need u to hug me. Hug me tight. -- Feb 24 12:39 pm
47.I am really missing you. Yahan aja -- Mar 08 3:09 pm
48.Idiot, understand that it's not easy for me to not see your face for days, not
speak to u for long. I miss you. -- Mar 16, 4:05 pm
49.It's been so long since I've seen your face. Ek video call kar le na idiot -- Mar
24, 5:33 pm
50.Hum jab Germany jayenge na to I will kiss you like this. Match dekhte hue. You
and football together. What else do i want? (A Facebook Video) - 6:33 pm
March 30
51.You know how many days have been since I've spoken to you? Me neither.
Gussa ho jaunga ab main -- 5:08 pm April 09
52.Aaj raat ko to Gina would be 25. I hope I will be with you wishing you your
50th, 70th and 100th birthday too. Love you! -- April 16, 5:30 pm
82. 73 |Gina!
53.You told me ke agar main tujhse naraz ho gaya to tu mujhe manaygi. Kab
manayegi? Kitna wait karna hai aur mujhe? -- Apr 25, 4:00 pm
54.Ab main Gina ke liye poem likh raha hun. Jismein main bohot sara pyaar dalne
wala hun ok? -- May 04, 12:52 pm
55.Everyday I am dreaming about you. Aaj to happy wali thi. We spent so much
time together. I miss u so much -- May 07, 8:22 am
56.You know main tujhse baat kiye bina nahi reh skta. Merko teri bohot yaad aati
hai. Bohot. -- May 10, 11:09 pm
57.I had four different dreams about u today. Sleep kept breaking. Aisa nahi hua
pehle kabhi. Idiot -- May 11, 9:34 am
58.Aaj fir dream mein I saw you. We were so happy. Where have u been? I miss u
so much -- May 17, 10:04 am
59.You know I want to share this video with u. But am I doing? No, not today --
June 04, 3:22 pm (2 Facebook videos)
60.I am starting to write a new poem for you today. I won't share it with u kyunki
tu mujhse baat nahi kar rahi hai. Sadu. But I still love u -- June 20, 3:49 pm
61.Gina and Gina ke dad (Facebook post) - Jun 21 7:42 pm
62.Romantic movies bilkul nahi dekhni chahiye. Pata hai how much I am missing
u in watching Kabir Singh? Idiot -- July 3, 10:56 pm
83. 74 |Gina!
63.You know, people were talking about India vs New Zealand 2019 wc semi-final
but I remember that day because I was sitting with u in Domino's watching the
final moments and then I started crying. I don't mind feeling that again as long
as I get to do it with u. -- July 14, 10:41 pm
64.Saduuuuuu! I still can't stop thinking about u. Subah teri picture dekh ke
uthata hun. Sone se pehle bhi dekhta hi hun. I hope someday main subah
uthun and your new picture will be in my whatsapp. Ab goodnight! -- July 20,
11:38 pm
65.You know, aaj Tarak Mehta ka Ulta Chashma shuru ho gaya. Cousin aur
brother dono subah se uchal rahe they. Uhrrrhrhhrhrhhr -- 8:49 pm, July 22
66.I had a dream that u injured yourself. In the dream I was there to carry you
and everything turned out fine. I hope you are ok. -- 10:18 am, July 31.
67.Aaj bohot miss kar raha hun tujhe. Bohot mann hai baat krne ka. Call kr skta
hun? -- 5:23 pm Jan 24.
84. 75 |Gina!
Happily, Whatever After!
There was always this huge chance of things ending in a way between me and Gina.
She always used to tell me ‘if we remain friends forever’, yes she would only say
friends, then you will have to get used to ‘these thigs’ of me. I would often get her
gifts, plan something, write some for her birthday and give her presents on occasions
like Christmas. She would tell me, this is the last thing you are getting for me, nothing
this year, nothing next year too.
Hearing all of these things, I would always smile inside. I just wanted to tell her, girl,
just don’t leave my hand. You have no clue how happy you make me. Just the
thought of being there with you, even the way I am today, gives me so much joy. But
of course, I couldn’t say all those things to her face. I did express a few things along
the way but it was only a drop as compared to the ocean of feelings that I wanted to
share, things that I wanted to do for her.
I had started this book as a present for her 25th
birthday and I am finishing as a
present for her 26th
birthday. Along the way, whatever I have not been able to share
with her or make her understand, I have tried to explain through this book.
Not long after we met, we became buddies with each other and used to spend a lot
of time together. I fell in love and I always felt she too loved me in some manner or
the other. Probably not in the most convention way but she did in her own Gina way.
I remember going out shopping with her, talking about ‘us’ at times, teasing each
other, even gossip sometimes. All of these things were magical to me.
85. 76 |Gina!
There was this one occasion where I had to go on a trip to Southern India. I am a big
travel maniac, btw. A sort of rare Lunar Eclipse was happening but since the time I
came to know that it would be happening so far down the country, my heart sort of
sank. The money that was needed for the trip and the entire process, was too much
for me.
As soon as Gina came to know about it, her mind started to tickle. She didn’t say it in
front of me but as soon as I reached home, she texted me, “Do you mind if I give you
this much money? You know I don’t use it anyway but you want to go on that trip
and this can be really useful to you”. I was stunned in a way. That was a lot of money
for me and she offered it to me as if it was nothing. How can someone who has only
known me for less than a year offer something like this?
I was very grateful for the offer but I declined. She told me once more that it isn’t a
big issue for her, that I can take that money without thinking much. But, I couldn’t.
So, I declined again. She was sort of a little angry that I am not taking it. I have never
taken money from anyone, even in more difficult circumstances and taking money
for leisure was simply not possible.
But that entire incident made me understand as to how right I was about this girl.
How much special she was, what a beautiful soul she was. Why wouldn’t I want to
spend the rest of my life with her? Unfortunately the question always was, “would
she?”
I know she had always maintained that a marriage between us was nearly
impossible. But, I have fought such odds on a number of occasions and this one
86. 77 |Gina!
wasn’t going to deter me. It was only when she told me ‘100% Not possible’ on that
phone call that skewed the equation even further.
She hasn’t been wrong on her part. I know how know that with every passing day,
my feelings for her were getting more and more intense. And this is what sacred her.
She always maintained that she doesn’t want to break my heart, that she doesn’t
want to see me all broken when things don’t turn out to be the way I want them to.
She tried to make me understand this thing in every manner possible, by telling me
things politely and practically, by not talking to me for days, by ignoring my texts, by
even shouting at me at times. But for me, the fear of losing her was to big to
understand how scary all of these things were for Gina. She didn’t want to lose me
either, she didn’t want to see my sad either but the situation was beyond her
control. And for me, my love for her was beyond my control.
In the end, I faced the consequences of my own wrongdoings. I lost Gina in a way.
There came those times where she refused to talk to me. My worst fear had become
a reality. I had lost Gina. That feeling, that day, was of emptiness, stillness, hollow.
The person who was closest to me, the person with whom I shared every damn
moment of my life, the person whom I thought of first every time I woke up and
before I slept off, was far, far away from me.
If I knew this is the day, this is the feeling I would have to face, I probably would’ve
never even confessed my feeling to Gina. I loved her more as a person, a lot more for
what she brought into my life. I could stand the idea of she and I not ending up
87. 78 |Gina!
together. I could even learn to be fine with the guy she eventually ends up with. But I
couldn’t stand the idea of coming to a point where she was beyond my reach. Where
even I wanted to, I couldn’t contact her. That feeling was like being stuck in an
infinitely long dark tunnel with no idea about when it’s going to end.
I forgot this second was titled ‘Happily Whatever After’. My apologies! Well, that was
the state of my mind but I didn’t lose Gina entirely. The relationship framework
changed but she was still there in my life which was a huge, huge relief.
Gina didn’t know this but I had convinced myself quite in the beginning that a
‘forever’ thing isn’t quite possible. What I probably failed to make her understand
that I am with her just being there in my life. I do not demand much, I didn’t need
anything from her. She made me feel ‘home’. In a world where so many people were
mean to me, she offered me things that I would never even ask someone for.
She used to talk a lot about her family, which as I had mentioned before, meant the
world to her. Her niece, who btw Gina told me was exactly like her, brought me so
much joy even though I had never met her. Hearing Gina’s stories of how her family
looked after each other, stood by each other used to make me wonder why did I
have to face such a hard time? Why couldn’t I have such relatives?
I told this to Gina too that she and all those people she talked so much about were
becoming like a virtual family to me. Listening Gina talk about her family and
whatever was happening with them was like a parallel universe for me. About Gina,
she had become family to me, just like my real family and she still is, no matter what
has happened between us.
88. 79 |Gina!
The past few months have made me think, “what now?”. Since that all-important
conversation between me and Gina, I have had to change a few things about myself.
To be honest, yes, concentrating on things had become difficult for some time but all
this while there’s something that Gina had told me, that sort of helped me re-focus.
During that phone call, she asked me to “do things for people who actually love me”.
This statement was sort of a wake-up call, a moment of self-introspection that made
me wonder if I have forgotten my path? I would not say entirely but yes, all of what
had happened did have its impact. The only way out for me was through.
I was not going to be unhappy for the rest of my life if things didn’t materialize with
Gina – this was something I had told myself way before. She wasn’t sure things
would, so I had to prepare myself for that eventuality.
We always have things in life that we want to do, targets we want to hit, dreams we
want to fulfill. If one thing doesn’t turn out the way you expected it to be, doesn’t
mean you stop chasing the other things, right?
Anyway, what brings this section of the book and indeed the book a conclusion is the
fact that. We should be happy, she and I, no matter how and where life takes. In an
ideal world, she and I would live together forever, wake up next to each other. Have
those Goodnight and Goodmorning kisses. But, how often do things turn out to be
ideal? Well, it hasn’t happened with me yet, so I can’t answer that question.
Do I weep over what I could not get or be thankful for this wonderful, wonderful
person being with whom I learned so much?
89. 80 |Gina!
Gina once showed be this quote that someone had written on a book she was gifted.
“Only two things change a person, a bad breakup or a good book”. Well, I had
already had a bad breakup and Gina meant more to me as a person that I gratefully
met than a possible ‘girlfriend’. And guess what! Whatever I had with her got me into
completing this book, good or not so good I don’t really know. But this came straight
from the heart.
HAPPY 26th
BIRTHDAY GINA!
90. 81 |Gina!
“LOVE, it is a beautiful thing. Gives you the sort
of joy probably nothing else can but also puts
you into situations you will find hard to come
out from. I think what I have learned from
loving GINA is that when you love someone so
much that you want that person to ALWAYS be
a part of your life, it’s probably better to stay
friends until you are sure that the other person
can travel that distance with you.
Else, you end up losing that one person you
wanted to be your FOREVER”
