Counselling final document


Published on

Published in: Spiritual, Health & Medicine
  • Be the first to comment

  • Be the first to like this

No Downloads
Total views
On SlideShare
From Embeds
Number of Embeds
Embeds 0
No embeds

No notes for slide

Counselling final document

  2. 2.  INTRODUCTIONA brief orientation of the process:  Forms and Questionnaires.
  4. 4.  What are yourexpectations for the premarital counseling?
  5. 5.  What would you like to see accomplished during the premarital counseling?
  6. 6.  If I were to ask you to describe your finance what will you say?
  7. 7.  Describe yourpersonal relationship with Jesus Christ?
  8. 8.  How would you describe your courtship withrespect to length and type?
  9. 9.  In what way will your courtshipcontribute to your marriage?
  10. 10.  Is there anything from your courtship that you would like to change after you are married?
  11. 11.  whatconvinced you that you love this person? (to one)
  12. 12.  Please describe the love that you have. (to the other)
  13. 13.  Whatis the extent of your sexual expression?
  14. 14.  Whomakes decisions in your family?
  15. 15.  Whatis there about your parents’ marriage that youwant or don’t want in marriage?
  16. 16.  Is there anything about yourself thator your past that youthink might seriouslyaffect your marriage?
  17. 17.  Inlight of what is happening tomarriages today, why will yours be different?
  18. 18. Which of you handles disappointment best?Describe what you have experienced and how you have handled these?
  19. 19.  Whatare your fears and concerns about marriage?
  20. 20. TWO ASSIGNMENTSGive ten reasons why you would want to marry your partner
  22. 22.  MARRIAGEMarriage is the unionbetween a man and awoman after they havegone through all thelaid-down procedures inthe society
  23. 23. and are thereforeloyally, religiouslyand customarilyrecognized ashusband and wife.
  24. 24. Itis also seen as social commitment or contract because it involves two persons from different families who have agreed to give themselves to each other.
  25. 25. they come togetherto work at mutualpeace, love, respectfor each other,enjoyment andhappiness.
  27. 27. All these kinds ofmarriages havetheir peculiarcharacteristics andprocedures
  28. 28. TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE:This forms the basis of all marriages in Ghana.
  29. 29. Intraditionalsocieties, themarriage isbetween individualsas well as theirfamilies.
  30. 30. Parents could offertheir daughters formarriage longbefore these girlsgrow for marriage.
  31. 31. However, there is achange in thispractice. Now mostparents ask for theapproval of theirchildren.
  32. 32. Though there aredifferences invarioustraditionalmarriages,
  33. 33. Yet,they all passthrough certainprocedures andhave the sameobjectives.
  34. 34. These includeselection of partners,family negotiation,marriage ceremonyand handing over ofthe bride to thegroom’s family.
  35. 35.  MATE SELECTION:This is whereprospective couplemake a choices ofpotential partners.
  36. 36. This is done intwo ways, thearranged andfree-choice.
  37. 37. Under the arrangedmethod parents of theman and woman maychoose the spousewith or without theconsent of thepartners concerned.
  38. 38. There are situationswere young girls havebeen betrothed atbirth to men with orwithout theirknowledge.
  39. 39. They are forced into the marriage when they are of age.
  40. 40. However, the free- couple have freedom to select their partners of choice after a long period of courtship.
  41. 41. Inspite, theconcern ofboth familiesare necessary.
  42. 42. Itis important thatafter selection, thefamilies of bothpotential husbandand wife areinvestigatedthoroughly.
  43. 43. This help to check the backgrounds of partners as well as their respective families to be sure that there are no genetic disease like epilepsy, lunacy and leprosy.
  44. 44. Afterconductingthese investigationsand outcome issatisfactory, a formalproposal is made toengage the hands ofthe girl in marriage.
  45. 45. Aperiod of atleast four weeks isrequested to“think” over theproposal.
  46. 46. Inthis case thewomen’s family alsouses it as anopportunity toinvestigate the man’sfamily.
  47. 47.  FAMILY NEGOTIONS:Afterthe woman’s family agrees to the marriage, the head of the man’s family then proceeds to go in for the woman’s hand in marriage.
  48. 48. The proposal isaccompanied by atleast a bottle oflocal Gin.
  49. 49. Inthe NorthernRegion kola isused. This is whatwe call the“knocking fee”
  51. 51. During the marriageceremony variousitems like drink andcash are presentedthis is referred to asthe Bride Prize.
  52. 52. The purpose of this isthat the man and hisfamily are hardworkingand are capable oftaking good care of thebride and seals themarriage contract.
  53. 53. Itis after the brideprice is paid thatthe womanbecomes the wife ofthe man.
  54. 54. Itthen qualifies thetwo partners to havelegal sexual access toeach other and givebirth to children.
  55. 55.  HANDING OVER OF BRIDE TO GROOM FAMILY:The final phase of every customary marriage is the official handing over of the bride to the groom and his family.
  56. 56. Intraditional Africansocieties, a white bedsheet is often laid onthe bed for the newlymarried couple to havetheir first sexual union.
  57. 57. CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE: The Christian marriage normally has elements of traditional system of marriage.
  58. 58. Itusually involvesintensive praying andfasting prior to theselection of the spouse,family negotiations,courting,
  59. 59. and payment of brideprize (engagement)wedding and formallytransfer of the brideto the bridegroom.
  60. 60. Unlike the traditional marriage were parents choose for their children, Christian marriage allows suitors to choose their spouses. In spite of this parent’s have influence of the selection of spouse.
  61. 61. The man and the woman dothe selection after intensiveprayers, seeking God’sguidance in the choice of ahumble and well manneredpartner no criminaltendencies or diseases likelunacy, leprosy etc..
  62. 62. FAMILY NEGOTIATION: After careful consideration the woman’s parents may request for drink which in modern Christianity is represented by cash as a symbol of acceptance of proposal.
  63. 63.  COURTING AND COUNSELLING:Courting is very important in Christianity marriage. During this period the prospective couples take the opportunity to study each other.
  64. 64. The couples are counseledduring this period, they arethought the do’s and don’tas well as challenges inmarriage. A Christian who isan experience marriagecounselor often handlesthis.
  65. 65.  ENGAGEMENT: The most important stage of Christian marriage is the payment of the bride wealth or prize, this differs depending on status, religious affiliation etc. Soft drinks, cash, engagement bible, ring, a hymn book, trinkets, sewing machine,
  66. 66.  clothes,wristwatch and a pair of shoes form the basis payment of most Christian marriages in Ghana. It is termed engagement because it is expected that there will be wedding or blessing of marriage by pastor before the marriage is consummated.
  67. 67. WEDDING:It is the final stage of everyChristian marriage. Is theconsecration of the union bya priest or religious Minister.
  68. 68. Before consecration the marriage is expected to be registered in court or District Council. It is normally signed in the course of the wedding ceremony in the church.
  69. 69. The wedding is publishedand announced to thecongregation. In most casesthe test for virginity is notdone in Christian marriage.
  70. 70. CIVIL MARRIAGE OR MARRIAGE UNDER ORDINACE: Under CAP 127, marriage under the ordinance through the registrar’s certificate is mainly conducted in the offices of Registrar. They are through:
  71. 71.  The Registrar’s Certificate The Marriage Officer’s Certificate and A special License from the Government
  72. 72. Under the CAP 127, marriage under the ordinance through the registrar’s certificate is mainly conducted or solemnized in the offices of the Registrar-General or a Local, District or a City Council.
  73. 73.  NOTICE OF MARRIAGE AND MARRIAGE NOTICE BOOK: One of the parties in the proposed is expected to inform the Registrar General’s office in the district in which the marriage is going to take place by providing and following information.
  74. 74.  The names of the prospective bride and bridegroom Their civil state that is whether they are bachelor and spinster, widower and widow.
  75. 75. Their occupation.Their age and place of residence and A guarantor to consent to the marriage.
  76. 76. On receiving these pieces ofinformation, the registrar isexpected to enter theproposal concerning theintended marriage in theMarriage Notice Book.
  77. 77. Copy of this information issupposed to be affixed on anotice board so as to afford thegeneral public the chance toread..
  78. 78. Besides, the publication is intended to prevent incest, for marriage between close relatives is not only a taboo, but it also constitutes a violation of the laws of Ghana
  79. 79.  MARRIAGE UNDER THE ORDINANCE THROUGH THE OFFICER’S CERTIFICATE Themarriage that is conducted under the Officer’s Certificate is what is commonly known in Ghana as Church Marriage.
  80. 80. This form of marriage is similar to the marriage under the registrar’s certificate, except that most of the activities under this one are done through the church.
  81. 81.  Some of the information includes Personal Information, Publication of the Banns and the Celebration of the Marriage. After the Marriage Officer’s Certificate, the marriage can now be solemnized by any recognized Minister of the Church or religious denomination in accordance with the rites of marriage practiced in such a church or religious denomination.
  82. 82. This is to be done in the presence of at least, two witnesses besides the officiating Minister.
  83. 83. ORDINANCE MARRIAGE UNDER “SPECIAL LICENCE FROM THE GOVERNORThis is the third form of marriage under the ordinance. The President grants a special license to the parties who want to contract the marriage after meeting all the requirements.
  84. 84. Thisform of civilmarriage is however,not very common inGhana today.
  86. 86. Marriage is a divine institution which provide for intimate relationship between husband and wife along with a feeling of security because there is a climate of love and because a personal commitment has been made by each mate.
  87. 87. As God felt it was not goodfor the man to live alone hecreated woman as hishelpmate. From this onecan deduced that the estateof the marriage life is wellpleasing to God himself.
  88. 88. God’s creative work was not complete until He made woman. He could have made her from the dust of the ground as he made man but chose however, to make her from the man’s flesh and bone.
  89. 89. In so doing He demonstrated that in marriage the man and the woman are symbolically united into one.
  90. 90.  This is a mystical union of the couple’s heart and lives. The goal in marriage should be more than friendship, it should be oneness.
  91. 91. When establishing marriage,God did so not only toprovide a close companionwho would be a complementof man but also to makeprovision for producing morehumans and doing so withina family arrangement.
  92. 92. MARRIAGE WAS CREATED FOR RELATIONSHIPSNo Christian life is worthliving without a goodrelationship with God andothers. This is why in thecreation stories, Godinsisted on getting Adam apartner.
  93. 93. In His words it is notgood that the manshould be alone. Goddid not want Adam tojust have a relationshipwith Him alone so Hecreated Eve for him.
  94. 94. God created Adam and Eve so they might also learn tolive and to love each other. CHRISTIAN MARRIAGESREFLECT CHRIST’S LOVE FOR THE
  95. 95.  The Bible suggests that the marriage relationship between a husband and the wife should reflect the relationship the relationship between God and Israel, and selflessly sacrificed for her, so St. Paul expects husbands to love their wives. (Ephesians Chapter 5) Marriage is based on love which must not be merely sentimental, but as expressed in 1Corinthians 13.
  96. 96. Love is patient and kind; Love is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its way, It is not irritable or resentful;It does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.Love bears all things, believes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. So faith, hope and love abides,
  97. 97. MARRIAGE AND LEGAL REQUIREMENTMost Christians will ask whether it is really important to get married in accordance with legal requirements, hence the registration of marriage.
  98. 98. The answer is simply yes God teaches us in his word that as Christians, we should continue to be subjected and be obedient to the governments and authorities as rulers (Titus: 3:1) when we heed these instructions we save ourselves of the danger disobedience.
  99. 99. Also,legal registration of the marriage safeguards the property rights of family members in the event of death of one of the mates.
  100. 100. Legally,registering a marriage relationship that is acceptable to the Christian congregation is required wherever possible.
  101. 101. Were there any legalformalities when AdamEve began to livetogether?
  102. 102. In Genesis 2:22-24, God after creating the rib of Adam, he proceeded to create Eve also from that same rib and he blesses them to be fruitful and multiply.
  103. 103. The statement “for this reason” as found in verse 24 is a legal statement. This means that God have instituted marriage upon His own principles and that He expect that all those who enter into it must consider His principle very carefully.
  104. 104.  God gave marriage as a gift to Adam and Eve. They were created perfectly for each other. ToGod, marriage was not just for convenience nor was it brought about by any culture but was instituted by God and has three basic principles.
  105. 105. i.the man leaves his parents and, in public acts, promises himself to his wife
  106. 106. ii.The man and woman are joined together by taking responsibilities for each other’s welfare and by loving the mate above all others.
  107. 107. iii. The two are united into one in the intimacy and commitment of sexual union that is reserved for marriage.
  108. 108. Successful marriage demands all these three principles
  110. 110.  (i) Aspects of LEAVING  spiritual  Emotional (this have to do with our HEART or Feelings).  Psychological (this have to do with our MIND or our way of thinking)  Physical
  111. 111. (ii) CLEAVE / UNITED / JOIN TOGETHERPatchingor gluing togetherInseparableCompromises are neededAdjustmentsContainments
  112. 112.  (iii) ONE FLESHonenessunityno secretsSharing (aspiration, dreams challenges, victories) etc.
  113. 113. REASON/ PURPOSE FORMARRIAGE (biblically). At this session we shall belooking at the reasons for the institution of marriage as the scriptures reveal.
  114. 114. Theman needs a help mate (Gen. 2:18 -24)
  115. 115. For Companionship: opposite of loneliness. (Gen. 2:18 -24)
  116. 116. Forreinforcement (Eccl. : 4: 9)
  117. 117. Forsharpening(Prov. :27 : 17)
  118. 118. For purity(I Cor. :7: 1-2) (Heb. :13:4)
  119. 119. ForProcreation (Gen. : 1:28) (Mal. 2:15)
  121. 121. The Holy Scriptures teach that married life has been instituted by God Himself. And it is known that God is a God of order and he desires to be praised in orderly and most holy conducts of our married lives.
  122. 122. At this session, we shall discuss the roles of responsibilities for the man and the woman in the marriage and God’s order for the marriage in terms of priority.
  123. 123.  The great Apostle Paul admonishes the Christian couples to fulfill their duties to each other (1.Cor.7:3). To him the man should fulfill his duty as the husband and the woman should also fulfill her duties as a wife,
  124. 124. so that the partners in marriage assist each other faithfully in all things that belong to the needs of this earthly life. This means that in marriage we are called to satisfy each other.
  125. 125. There are two categories ofmarital roles (i) GENERAL ROLES (ii)SPECIFIC ROLES
  126. 126. GENERAL ROLEThis a role assigned to all the partners- SUBMISSION (Eph. 5:21)“Submit yourself to one another because of your of reverence for Christ”
  127. 127.  Submitting to another person is an often misunderstood concept. It does not mean becoming a doormat. Our savior Jesus Christ at whose name “every knee bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth” (Phip. 2:10) – submitted his will to the Father, and we honor Christ by following his example.
  128. 128. When we submit to God, webecome more willing to obey hiscommand to submit to others,that is, to subordinate our rightsto theirs. In a marriagerelationship, both husband andwife are called to submit. For thewife, this means willingly followingher husband’s leadership in Christ.
  129. 129. For the husband, it means putting aside his own interests in order to care for his wife. Submission is rarely a problem in homes where both partners have a strong relationship with Christ and where each is concerned for the happiness of the other.
  130. 130. In Paul’s day, women, children, and slaves were to submit to the head of the family. Slaves would submit until they were freed, male children until they grew up, and women and girls their whole lives.
  131. 131. Paul emphasized the equality of all believers in Christ (Galatians 3:28), but he did not suggest overthrowing Roman society to achieve it. Instead, he counseled all believers to submit to one another by choice.
  132. 132. Wives to submit tohusbands and alsohusbands to submit towives; slaves to mastersand also masters to slaves;children to parents andalso parents to children.
  133. 133. This kind of mutual submission preserves order and harmony in the family while it increases love and respect among family members.
  134. 134. Although some people have distorted Paul’s teaching on submission by giving unlimited authority to husbands, we cannot get around it. Paul told wives to submit to their husbands.
  135. 135.  The fact that a teaching is not popular is no reason to discard it. According to the Bible, the man is the spiritual head of the family, and his wife should acknowledge his leadership.
  136. 136. But real spiritual leadership involves service. Just as Christ served the disciples, even to the point of washing their feet, so the husband is to serve his wife.
  137. 137. A wise and Christ-honoring husband will not take advantage of his leadership role, and Christ-honoring wife will not try to undermine her husband’s leadership. Either approach causes disunity and friction in marriage
  138. 138.  Why did Paul tell wives to submit and husband’s to love? Perhaps Christian women, newly freed in Christ, found submission difficult; perhaps Christian men, used to the Roman custom of giving unlimited power to the head of the family, were not used to treating their wives with respect and love. Of course both husbands and wives should submit to each other (5:21), just as both should love each other.
  139. 139.  Some Christians have thought that Paul was negative about marriage because of the counsel he gave in 1Corinthians 7:32-38. These verses in Ephesians, however, show a high view of marriage. Here marriage is not a practical necessity or a cure of lust, but a picture of Christ and his church! Why the apparent difference?
  140. 140.  Paul’s counsel in 1Corinthians was designed for a state of emergency during a time of persecution and crisis. Paul’s counsel to the Ephesians is more the biblical ideal for marriage. Marriage, for Paul, is a holy union, a living symbol, a precious relationship that needs tender, self-sacrificing care.
  141. 141.  SPECIFIC ROLE (MAN) The husband should be a copy of our real Head, which is Christ, and should love his wife heartily in conformity with the great love which Christ has shown to us, having giving himself for our sake. Thus St. Paul says in Ephesians 5: “Husbands love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.
  142. 142. Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife love himself.” He should feed, protect, guide and comfort her, and not be bitter against her, in accordance with the word of the apostle:
  143. 143. “Do nothing from selfishnessor conceit, but in humilitycount others better thanyourselves.” The man shouldwork industriously in hiscalling so as to maintain hishousehold honourably.
  144. 144. God is a God of order anddesires to be praised in theorderly and holy conduct of ourlives. Therefore He desires thatthe partners in marriage assisteach other faithfully in all thingsthat belong to the needs of thisearthly life.
  145. 145. He expects them to growinto deep fellowship as onesoul and one heart andthus being sanctified bythe Lord, grow into allperfection.
  146. 146. SPECIFIC ROLE (WOMAN) Again,the wife should be subject to her husband in the Lord. She must not try to rule over him, so that the peace of the home is not disturbed. “Let her adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable jewel of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”
  147. 147. (1Peter 3, 4) she must be a help to her husband in all good things, look after the household and the children, and conduct herself in humility and love, in discipline and orderliness, so that she may be an example of true godliness to others.
  148. 148. The order of God in thefamily unit May not bevisible physically but onecannot deny the existenceof God’s master plan formarriage.
  149. 149. GOD’S ORDER FOR MARRIAGE(i). my personal relationship with God(ii). my nuclear family (spouse and children)(iii). my church (the local assembly)(iv). my job (work)
  150. 150. SESSION FOUR:
  151. 151. LOVE &FRIENDSHIP
  152. 152. What is love?Love is giving to theother person whathe/she needed mostwhen s/he least deservesit (Rom 5:8)
  153. 153. LOVE IS EROS:This is a need love based on physical attraction and fulfillment. This kind of love is necessary for marriage to succeed. However, marriage cannot be sustained by Eros alone. It is out of the word we have the English word erotic.
  154. 154. This kind of love is not bad per say. (pro. 5:18) it is intoxicates, that brings euphoria, sensual, it is romantic.
  155. 155. This is a very important aspect of love and we must not lack it if we want to have a lasting relationship
  156. 156. LOVE IS PHILEOThis is a friendship love based on reciprocal sharing of time, activity, the home, hobbies, games and other object of common affection.
  157. 157. This is honour devotion, sharing companionship, reciprocity and serving each other. This is doing what the other person want you to do but you would not like to do but because of love you will do.
  158. 158. This is companionship, comradeship, partnership, participation and friendship
  159. 159. Erotic love is about being lovers but phileo love is about been best friends (pro. 17:17) (Rom. 12:9-10)
  160. 160. This is learning to care and be best friends doing life together
  161. 161. LOVE IS AGAPEThis is the supernatural love it is giving love and can be unilateral in that one love even when the other does not respond (Rom. 5:8)
  162. 162. It is self giving. Meeting the real need of the other person with the purpose of helping that person become better or more mature individual. This is the kind of love that take initiative of energizing the other two kinds of love (eros & phileo)
  163. 163. This is Gods love being kind hearted, being generous, walking in forgiveness, tender heartedness. This is the love that gives the other person what they really need most when they deserve it the least.
  164. 164. This is the kind of person who forgives even when s/he is being wounded . He does not bring up your past against you though he knows your history he refuse to use that against you.
  165. 165. We have alwaysemphasize on eros when itcomes to marriage buteros alone is not helpful.
  166. 166. 50-75% of first timemarriages either ends up indivorce or unfulfilled25% of them lives unhappyand miserable lives.
  167. 167. The foundation of love is tolove people the same wayGod love them. BECOME BEST FRIENDS
  168. 168. MEANING OF FRIENDSHIPFriendship is a state of mutual affection or regard for another person.A friend is a person whom one knows well, likes and cherishes.
  169. 169. A friend is a person whois not hostile but ratherhelpful to another person.
  170. 170. Afriend is an island ofsafety where you feelsecure and communicationmay be without sound ormotion.
  171. 171. Afriend is a personwho multiplies your joysand divides yoursorrows.
  172. 172. Afriend is a person whocomes in when the wholeworld has gone out. For amarriage to work each partnermust make a conscious effortto demonstrate the aboveingredients of true friendship.
  174. 174. FRIENDSHIP LEADS TO MARRIAGEGenesis 2:18 “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone, I will make for him a helper suitable for him”.
  175. 175. The word helperrepresents your spouse: A friend, confidant, sister/brother,mother/father or a shoulder to cry on.
  176. 176. Every marriage begins as a relationship, which develops through various levels of friendship: An acquaintance A companion A lover A wife/husband.
  177. 177. • Our marriages started first and foremost as friendships, which grew through courtship till we committed ourselves to one another in a covenant at the Altar of the Lord.
  178. 178. The purpose of the covenant was to assure each other that we would continue to love each other, till God separates us by death. Pledging to love each other means that we are pledging to remain as special friends for life. Malachi 2:16- “…God hates divorce.
  179. 179. Matthew 19:5-6“And he said, ‘for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.
  180. 180. MARRIAGE IS BASICALLY FRIENDSHIP Marriage is the highest from of friendship between two persons of the opposite sex. Thus, we should allow God’s spirit living and working through us to help us to do acts of love to each other in order to sustain the friendship
  181. 181. • The most valuable commodity we own in this world is our relationship with our spouses. We should assign to this significant relationship the highest priority.
  182. 182. THE CHARACTERISTICS OF FRIENDSHIP Friendship is a process with three phases, namely Relaxation, Rapport and Revelation.Psychologists say these phases involve sharing on successively deeper levels:
  183. 183. • RELAXATION:It is the time when you learn to be comfortable with each other. such a period may involve a form of activity that provides a change and relief from effort, work or tension and give pleasure.
  184. 184. RAPPORT:An emotional bond or friendly relationship between people bases on mutual liking, trust and a sense that they understand and share each other’s concerns.
  185. 185. It is the time when you are ready to share aspects of yourself that are precious and vulnerable.
  186. 186. REVELATION:The period of mature and steadfast understanding of each other.
  187. 187. At this stage, you are expected to recognize your lover’s uniqueness while discerning what will best meet your beloved’s needs.
  188. 188. FRIENDSHIP IS LOVE IN ACTION1 Corinthians 13:4-7 describes love as good deeds done to one another. This is different from the wrong notion that most people have that love is merely a feeling. Such an idea makes a person love the spouse only when they feel like it.
  189. 189. • True friendship is mutual love that is expressed in very practical term. Love is seen in friendship.
  190. 190. • Like love, friendship has two important parts: the action part and the feeling part.
  191. 191. ACTIONS OF LOVE BETWEENFRIENDS (SPOUSES) SHOULD INCLUDE:Being thoughtful of and patient with each other.Showing respect and speaking graciously.
  192. 192. Forgiving, helping, thankingand complementing eachother.Doing things to make theother person happy.
  193. 193. Loving Actions Lead to Feeling of LoveMost songs and poems have been written about the wonderful feeling of love. The songs of Solomon contain romantic expressions of love between friends-lovers:
  194. 194. SONGS OF SOLOMON 4:9“You have ravished my heart my sister, my spouse, with one look of your eyes, with one link of your necklace.”
  195. 195. Songs of Solomon 5:4“My beloved put his hands bythe latch of the door and myheart yearned for him”
  196. 196. The wonderful feeling of love comes and goes. It may be high in one moment and low the next moment: It is like all human emotions-anger, sadness, pity, happiness, etc. the feeling of love in friendship may disappear altogether.
  197. 197. One may be tempted to say, “I don’t love him/ her anymore”, when one really means, “My feeling of love for him/her is gone.”
  198. 198. Less actions of love on your part will lead to diminishing feeling of love on your part. Similarly, more actions of love on your part will lead to increasing feeling of love on your part.
  199. 199. FRIENDSHIP GROWS THROUGH TRIALSProblems and trials that we encounter in our relationships are some of the means God uses to make our love grow. Relationships are tested through trials.
  200. 200. Many little things happen each day that can be unpleasant and if not appropriately handled can destroy the friendship between couples: for example:
  201. 201. An unkind word;unrepentant attitude;a nasty remark;
  202. 202. a little good deed not done;an apology not offered;anact of kindness notappreciated.
  203. 203. These unpleasant momentsin our friendship with ourspouses should remind usthat our friendship is underoath, with God as our witness(Malachi 2:14).
  204. 204. Hence, we should do everything possible to keep the relationship growing.
  205. 205. At such unpleasant moments, we may choose to show our fear of God by choosing to do love actions, to bring back our feeling of love.
  206. 206. This means removing the barriers of love that make you treat your spouse like a bitter enemy.
  207. 207. Barriers are anything or negative attitude that separate and keep you apart, they hinder and impede progress.
  208. 208. If you want a marriage full of love, you cannot afford the luxury of resentment, anger and self-pity
  209. 209. • Changing to your bad feeling will cripple your marriage relationship and also take it toll on your physical health and emotional well-being.
  210. 210. PRACTICAL WAYS OF ENHANCING FRIENDSHIP IN MARRIAGEShow Love to Your Spouse through Practical Ways Some practical ways to build and sustain friendship in marriage are:
  211. 211. l SAYING WORDS OF APPRECIATIONEveryone needs appreciation and will like to hear words of gratitude. If we do not receive appreciation for our efforts, we sometimes feel hurt.
  212. 212. Alady once said to us, “Myhusband doesn’t seem to noticethat the house is clean and hisshirts/trousers have been washedand ironed. When he comeshome from work, he only says.‘Yaa, is supper ready?” He neversays ‘thank you’ for what I do forhim.”
  213. 213.  Appreciationshould not only be shown in private but also in public.Proverbs 25:11 “The right word at the right time is like precious gold set in silver.”
  214. 214. DOING ACTS OF KINDNESS HUSBANDSSpend time sitting, walking, talking and praying with your wife.Cultivatethe habit of telling your wife how much you love her.Let her know your thoughts and feelings.
  215. 215. Bring her little gifts once in a while.Be gentle with her, even when you are angry. Show your children that you love their mother and they will respect her.
  216. 216. WIVESWelcome your husband from work with a smile and some cheerful words.Say “thank you” for his kind acts.
  217. 217. Look for his good qualities and mention them oftenTellthe children how much you appreciate their daddy.
  218. 218. ACCEPTING YOUR SPOUSEAccept your spouse for who he/she is. This means accept your partner in spite of certain imperfections, such as “sinless habits” you may notice.
  219. 219. CREATE AND ENJOY MUTUAL LEISURE TIMESPlan to spend your free times together as a couple.Make time to spend time alone with your spouse.
  220. 220. Take time off your busyschedules at work to bewith your spouse.
  221. 221. Prioritize your activities and make resources available for yourselves.Plan to let your annual holidays coincide or at least overlap.
  222. 222. Leisureactivities that may be undertaken together include:Sports/Games; Keep-fit activity;Shopping spree; Market and trade shows.
  223. 223. Tourism and Sight-seeing; Retreats and Picnics.Going to the theatre to watch movies, drama or musical shows.Playing, Resting and Gardening
  224. 224. WORK ON YOUR MUTUAL ATTRACTIONWork on your physical appearance.Work on your inner beauty.Work at your language.
  225. 225. GOALSA goal is a dream in action, with purpose. “If we make it our first goal always to please God, it solves many problems at once” Philip E. Howard JrGive each hour an assignment. Mike Murdock
  226. 226. Success equals goals; all else is commentary Brain TracyA goal properly set is half way reached. Zig Ziglar
  227. 227. You have to have a dream so you can get up in the morning. Billy WilderGoals in writing are dreams with deadlines. Brain Tracy
  228. 228.  Committing your goals to paper increases the likelihood of your achieving them by one-thousand percent. Brain Tracy Goalsthat are not in writing are not goals at all. They are merely fantasies. Brain Tracy
  229. 229. PLANNING Planning is bringing the future into the present so you can do something about it now. Setting a goal is not the main thing. It is deciding how you will go about achieving it and staying with that plan. Tom Landy
  230. 230. “Control starts with planning”If you fail to plan then you are planning to fail.
  231. 231.  If you plan for a year, plant a seed. If for ten years, plant a tree. If for a hundred years, teach the people. When you sow a seed once, you will reap a single harvest. When you teach the people, you will reap a hundred harvest. Kuan Chung
  232. 232. Plan your work and work your plan. Have a back-up plan.Plan your work and work your plan. Have a back-up plan.
  233. 233. THE 7 STEP GOAL-SETTING FORMULAIdentify the GoalListyour personal benefits for achieving the goal.Identify the major obstacles you must overcome to reach the goal.
  234. 234. Determine what skills or knowledge are required to reach this goal.Identify the individuals, groups, companies, and organizations you must work with/for to reach this goal.
  235. 235. Develop a specific plan of action to achieve the goal.Decide on a realistic time limit for achievement.
  236. 236. 5 BRAIN STORMING TECHNIQUES2. Focus on one clearly defined idea, problem or goal.4. Build on previous ideas6. Generate a large number of ideas
  237. 237. 1. Let one idea lead to another3. Record your ideas.“Ideas come from space” Thomas Edison “Ideas come from God”
  238. 238. “SMART” GOALS Let your goals be S – Specific M – Measurable A – Attainable R – Realistic T – Time bound “Clear definition of goals is the keynote to success.” Edison Montgomery
  239. 239. EXAMPLES OF “SMART” GOALS Reada chapter of a book a day or, Read a book a week. Buy 50 – 100 cement blocks every month towards a building project. Make a friend each week at church or work.
  240. 240. Talk to one person about Jesus Christ every week.Savean amount of money each month.Get a new customer every week.
  241. 241. LIFETIME GOALS STATEMENT What are your lifetime goals?Without a lifetime goal, you would find it very difficult to set andachieve daily, weekly, monthly, or year goals.
  242. 242.  The lifetime Goals Statement helps brings your future into the present by giving you a clearer view of what your ideal future looks like. NB: Your lifetime goals statement should grow as you grow.
  243. 243. 5 QUESTIONS THAT WILL HELP YOU SET LIFETIME GOALS Q1. Who am I? (IDENTITY) Q2. Where am I from? (HERITAGE) Q3. Why am I here? (PURPOSE) Q4. What can I do? (POTENTIAL) Q5. Where am I going with my life? (DESTINY)
  244. 244. NB: You need to spend time with God and find answers to these searching questions before you begin to set goals in life. “Man know thyself”
  245. 245. MERITS OF WRITTEN LIFETIME GOALS STATEMENTWill help you discover what you really want to do.
  246. 246. Help motivate you to do it.Givemeaning to the way you spend your time.It will give a direction to your life.
  247. 247.  It will help you feel in control of destiny. It will provide a measuring stick against which to gauge alternative activities as they come along. You’ll be better able to balance the many aspects of your life.
  248. 248. You’llreduce unnecessary conflict over how to use your time.Writing goals down tends to make them more concrete and specific.
  249. 249. REVIEWING YOUR LIFETIME GOAL STATEMENTSLifetime Goals statement is not static it should be revised periodically. A good time every year to re-evaluate your statement is on your statement is on your birthday. Yourlifetime goals should grow as you grow.
  250. 250. CATEGORIES OF GOALS There are basically 3 categories of Goals, Namely: Long-term goals (5 years and beyond) Medium-term goals (Between 3-5 years) Short-term goals. (2 years and below)
  251. 251. LONG-TERM GOALA long-term goal is like the Northern Star; it is a constant factor or point of orientation that gives you a sense of direction.A long-term goal is the “big picture” of the long view of what you want to accomplish.
  252. 252. It is true that life offers no guarantee but if you have a long term goal, you have decided your destination before setting out.
  253. 253. The clearer the picture ofyour long-term goal, theeasier it is to identify thebig and little steps it takesto achieve it.
  254. 254. Long-term planning and goal-setting must therefore be complemented by short-term planning.
  255. 255. When you have plannedon both long-term andshort-term levels, thengoals and activities fittogether like well-meshedgears.
  256. 256. A long-term goal can belinked to a short-term goalthrough a medium termgoal.
  257. 257. Sub goals/Activities/Strategies (Mid-term goals)The mid-term goals help achieve your dreams by allowing you to:Keep on the right roadMeasure your progress.Anticipate future obstacles.
  258. 258.  Make necessary correction. Build momentum as you work through a project. Increase confidence that you will achieve the goal. Eg. MAIN GOAL – build a house (long term goal(10 year-plan)
  259. 259.  Sub goals/Activities/Strategies 1stYear – Get a building plan drawn for you and hang it inyour room (This is to keep you focused daily) 2nd Year – Save money to acquire a plot of land
  260. 260. 3rd Year – Build a protective wall around the plot.4th Year – Buy a number of cement blocks monthly depending on your finances.5th Year – Buy all iron rod for the project.
  261. 261. 6th Year – Buy all woods and roofing sheets.7th Year – Buy Sewage fittings, pipes, sinks, water closets, PVV, e.t.c.8thYear – Buy electrical fittings, doors locks e.t.c.
  262. 262.  9th Year – Buy stones/gravels/sand for the project 10th Year- Buy cement, save money for labour, take your annual leave and supervise your own project. NB: You can combine 2 or 3 of the sub goals in a year depending on our finances.
  263. 263. MID-TERM GOALSMid-term goals are the billboard that guide you to your destination.LEAP into Action, and you will begin your Journey>
  264. 264. LEAPL – List as many mid-term goals as you can think of.E – Evaluate the mid-term goals.A – Ascertain missing mid-term goals.P – Prioritise mid-term goals.
  265. 265. HOW TO ORGANIZE YOUR TIMEDefine your goals.Work out a definite program.Set up time tables.Concentrate on essentials.
  266. 266. Define your goals Determine what exactly you want and commit yourself to Success. Dramatise your goals.
  267. 267. Work out a definite program Have a monthly worksheet, a weekly worksheet, then a daily worksheet (i.e. break your goal into sub goals). e.g. building a house. Save periodically to first acquire a plot of land.
  268. 268. (c) Have in mind work which must be accomplished within a certain time and make sure you do it by that time.(d) Reward yourself for having done it.
  269. 269. Set up time table Always list the jobs you have to do in order of importance daily. Do it for everyday prior to the actual date.
  270. 270. Set time limit for the jobs.Make your deadline realistic.Check up your estimate and re-adjust your deadlines.
  271. 271.  Concentrate on essentials Don’t waste time getting started on a job. Just start with an alarm.
  272. 272. ABC PRIORITY SYSTEM List goals in order of importance HighValue = A Medium Value = B Low Value = C
  273. 273. SubdivisionBreak the A into A-1, A-2, A-3, A-4, A-5, etcB into B-1, B-2, B-3, B-4, B-5C into C-1, C-2, C-3, C-4, C-5
  274. 274. HOW TO LIST ACTIVITIES TOWARDS YOUR-A-GOALSTo determine the rightactivities for achievingyou’re a-goals you must:
  275. 275.  List the possible activities for each A-goal. Set priorities to allow you select the most effective activity to do now.
  276. 276. SHAKE OUT TIME WASTERS IN YOUR LIFE1. Facing a confusing choice?-Get it on paper.2. Eliminate distraction.3. Anticipate the tools needed.
  277. 277. Always looking for things? Keep things at strategic places where you can always get them.5. Discourage interruption.6. Clap down on idle conversation
  278. 278.  Learn to say ‘No’ to other commitments which are not actually necessary. 8. Listen carefully the first time by getting all the facts the first time around i.e. who, what, where, when, why,you avoid costly errors back-tracking-(doing things over)
  279. 279. Get rid of unwanted papers, searching through them only wastes time.10. Solve minor crises in advance. e.g. have your small coins for changes.
  280. 280. Vary your jobs.12. Take breaks to recharge, stretch and breath in.
  281. 281.  FORMS OF GOALS What kind of person do you want to become Spiritually? Financially? Educationally? Recreationally?
  282. 282. DIVISION OF GOALSOne-Year GoalsFive-Year GoalsUltimate Goals
  283. 283. SESSION SIX
  285. 285.  Planning is bringing the future into the present so you can do something about it now. Setting a goal is not the main thing. It is deciding how you will go about achieving it and staying with that plan.
  286. 286. Planning is like setting a goalA goal is a dream in action, with purpose. “If we make it our first goal always to please God, it solves many problems at once” Philip E. Howard JrGive each hour an assignment.
  287. 287.  Success equals goals; all else is commentary Brain TracyA goal properly set is half way reached. Zig Ziglar
  288. 288. Budgeting isplanning how much money you will spend on something.It is the philosophical frame work of your resource and how you intend to use it or to accumulate it.
  289. 289. ESSENTIAL ELEMENTS FOR PLANNINGDEVELOP OBJECTIVESEstablish overall objectives of what you want to get done, why you want to do what you want to do.What do you want to achieve
  290. 290. EXAMINING ENVIRONMENTAL CONDITIONSVisualize the end result. Endeavour to anticipate or foresee possible problems to be faced / apportunities to be taken advantage of. Be aware of trends in the world around you - INFORMATION
  291. 291. EXAMINE ALTERNATIVE COURSES OF ACTIONFind out the assess the various approaches for the achievement of the desired result (s).
  292. 292. SELECT THE BEST FROM THE AVAILABLE ALTERNATIVE  SET UP CRITERIA LIKEC) What have you agreed to doD) EfficacyE) Feasibility (technical and resource)F) Predictable consequences
  293. 293.  Acceptability Cost Time Congruence – in terms of overall consistency Parsimony i.e. cost-benefit Cost – effectiveness considerations
  294. 294. The process of selecting the basic approaches will bring various CONSTRAINTS into focus. Examine each carefully to determine its nature, weight and relevance
  295. 295. PLAN YOUR FAMILY PATTERN Givenwhat we wish to do and when to do it, we should be able to determine, the sequence of actions and plan a sensible organisation to accomplish it.
  296. 296. ASSESS COSTSHow much will the plancost? – ie Budgetaryconsiderations should beworked out.
  297. 297. PLAN A SCHEDULESet up a schedule of activities (i.e. Timetable) with target dates for putting the varius parts of the plan into effect.
  298. 298. SET OUT EVALUATION POINTSBuild in evaluation points before initiating the plan so that changes can be made, if necessary. Plan should be flexible enough to meet changing needs.
  299. 299. ESTABLISH CONTROLA way of checking results against standards and taking corrective action. Controls should reveal: progress in the plan and Deviations from the plan to facilitate determination whether or not the plan is really leading toward the stated objectives
  300. 300.  Asa manager of your home, your regular job must be planning if you find yourself over-engaged in so-called “regular work”, then you are indulging in non-managerial work – doing tasks that should be delegated to your subordinates.
  301. 301. SESSION SEVEN
  302. 302. COMMUNICATION AimTohelp counseleesunderstand theimportance ofcommunication in ahealthy marriage.
  303. 303.  To explore the patterns of communication of each counselees family and how these may effect the couple ‘s patterns of communication
  304. 304.  To help the couple learn and practice skills for better communication in marriage.
  305. 305. Note: Goodcommunication is one ofthe most important factorsin a successful marriage.
  306. 306. Communication is any process in which people share information, ideas and feelings.
  307. 307.  It involves not only the spoken and written word but also body language personal mannerism and style and anything that adds meaning to a message. It is also the process of transmitting and receiving information.
  308. 308.  The word communication comes from the Latin word “communis” which means a shared understanding in an idea or event. It is basic to every human activity, indeed we can not talk about life itself without making basic assumption about communication
  309. 309. It is a fundamental human process and the tool that makes human societies functions properly. It’s also verbal (things we can see and touch) and verbal symbols (things that can not be seen).
  311. 311. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT THE MESSAGE TO SAY What do you want to accomplish; To inform To sell Motivate, Discipline etc
  312. 312. KNOW TO WHOM YOU ARE SAYING IT Relatethe message to the intended “audience”. Their interests, expectations, levels of knowledge or understanding should influence the content and delivery of your message
  313. 313. MAKE THE MESSAGE SPECIFIC AND COMPLETE All necessary information a receiver needs to fully understand about the message should be clearly stated in the communication
  314. 314. USE THE RIGHT APPROACH OR MEDIAIsthe message to be delivered orally or written?
  315. 315. GET THE OTHER PERSONS ATTENTIONMake the messageinteresting and deliver withenthusiasm
  316. 316. KEEP YOUR VERBAL AND NON VERBAL MESSAGES CONGRUENTFace to face communication involves both verbal and non verbal messages. Communication problems arise when the two contradicts.
  317. 317. WATCH YOUR TIMINGEvery message has a right and wrong time Right time will ensure favourable attention or greatest impact.
  318. 318. OWN YOUR MESSAGEBelieve in what you haveto say and express ideasand feelings withconviction
  319. 319. LISTENING AS A COMMUNICATION SKILL Oddly enough listening is often neglected in communication yet listening is a key element in effective communication. Good communicators are effective listeners and effective listening encourages inter personal relationship
  320. 320. It is estimated that most people spend their communication time as follows:45% Listening30% Speaking
  321. 321. 16% reading9% writingPoor listening habits can therefore be a great liability
  322. 322. BENEFIT OF EFFECTIVE LISTENING Good listening improves morale Effective listening make better communicators Effective listening saves time Effective listening avoids confusion
  323. 323. SOURCES OF POOR LISTENINGIn attentionPeople who let their minds wonder don’t hear the entire message
  324. 324. Destructions and interferencesNoisy backgroundenvironmental factors eg temperature of a room, uncomfortable chairs, offensive odours etc
  325. 325. EMOTIONAL STATESFeeling upsetAngryHungry can all cost people not to listen well
  326. 326. BIAS Pre-judging a speakers appearance on the basis of cloth, hair cut, skin, colour, stature, or other such irrelevant variables can negatively influence listening ability.
  327. 327. POOR ATTITUDEPeople with wrong attitude feeling superior or opinionated turn to black out incoming messages
  328. 328. EXCESSIVE TALKINGDoing all the talking in a conversation, hardly giving the other person a chance to speak
  329. 329. PRE-OCCUPATIONWhen people rubthemselves in their ownfeelings, need, problems,and activities they areunlikely to listern to others.
  330. 330. BEING JUDGEMENTALPeople don’t listen well when they pre judge, evaluate or disapprove the statement of others
  331. 331. HOW TO IMPROVE LISTENING ABILITY Listen to ideas and central theme Listen with empathy Listen with objectivity Listen with correct attitude Listen to understand
  332. 332. NON VERBAL COMMUNICATIONSThis have to do with the way we perceive and respond to others as against what we say verbally
  333. 333. The fact is that the toneand inflection of ourvoices, are facialexpressions are bodyposition and gestures allspeak clearly
  334. 334.  Theimportance of the need to be concious of non verbal communication lies in the fact that there is evidence to suggest that only 7% of a message is transmitted by words and 93% of a message is non verbal therefore to focus on words is to miss a huge proportion of the communication.
  335. 335. CLUES TO NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION FACE: This is the most visible indicator of our emotions and feelings. With other hundred possible expressions the face accurately express our feelings, reactions, towards others and provide feed back on others comment.
  336. 336. Perhaps the part of the face most likely to yield information is the eyes
  337. 337. GESTURESThis can express ones message or an entire language. Note that deaf- mutes converse using a sign language or gestures.
  338. 338. The folding and unfoldingof arms crossing orincrossing of legs, sittingposture, upright , leaning,forward or re-clining in achair can all speak.
  339. 339. POSTUREThe way we stand , sit ,walk, recline or lie downetc can express feelinginterest involvement ortension
  340. 340. Posture can tell whether one wishes to include or exclude other people in ones thought or conversation or whether one is open or close to certain ideas.
  341. 341. It tells whether one is warm towards certain people or whether one likes or dislike certain idea or better still whether one can become emotionally involved.
  342. 342. BODY SHAPEThere are three general body typeECTOMORPHY (frail, thin, and tall)
  343. 343. ENDOMORPHY (fat, roundand short)MESOMORPHY (muscular,athletic & tall)
  344. 344.  Peoplehave tended to stereotype this physique E.g Ectomorphous people are seen as tense, suspicious of others , nervous, pessimistic and quiet.
  345. 345. Endomorphous: people areseen as talkative, oldfashioned, sympathetic,weak dependent, andtrusting
  346. 346. Mesomorphous: people arestereotype as handsome,adventurous, mature, andself reliant.
  347. 347. PHYSICAL APPEARANCE Physicalattractiveness is a factor in non-verbal communication. Body colour, Spell hair length and clothing influence the quality and quantity of communication that occur among people. That is why in the marriage setting one must keep his physical attractiveness to his partner.
  348. 348. SPACESpatial relationship also affect quantity and quality communication among people
  349. 349. Distant between people in daily interruptions or arrangement of furniture in a home or office may enhance or inhabit understanding.
  350. 350. Space is often referred toas territory which assumecertain ownership rightover an area without anylegal basis.
  351. 351. Examples of territoryThis may include special chair in the room or classroom or even in the church pew.Particular packing spaceSome easy chair in the home
  352. 352. Generally any invation of someone’s space or territory is likely to be treated with suspicion and even arouse attack if perceived as an aggression
  353. 353. TIME Although time is culturally defined, certain aspect of it can be a language saying something. For example being on time, ahead of time, or behind time communicate certain meanings in some societies.
  354. 354. Deadlines are a way of life and people who don’t place emphasis on the clock can be viewed skeptically.
  355. 355. The language of time isvery eloquent and canevoke hostility or warmthadmiration.
  356. 356. VOICE Vocalqualities such as: PITCH ARTICULATION RESONANCE TEMPO etc produces certain response from others
  357. 357.  Vocal characteristics such as: LAUGHING CRYING WHISPERING YAWNING SINGING etc also conveys meanings which can provoke certain actions
  358. 358. SESSION EIGHT
  360. 360.  Song of Solomon 2:15. This is handling the little foxes that will ruin the marriage.
  361. 361.  SOME THREAT (FOXES) TO WATCH. INTRUDERS: (Friends, Best man, maid of honor, old friends) etc. IN-LAWS : (Mother, Father, Sisters/ Brothers). DISTANT RELATIONS –
  362. 362.  PASTORS,GROUP LEADERS, CHURCH ACTIVITIES FORMER RELATIONSHIPS: (Ex-Boy friend, Ex-Girl friend, opposite friends of the couple). ROUMOR MONGERING: (“Ear say”) WORK (OFFICE) – Business.
  364. 364.  1. Nations of conflict - Collision on incompatible forces within a “life – space” In marriage setting the relevant “forces” could cover range eg. Inherent in the “gender” factor differences that is masculine/ famine co-existence and implicit psychological, emotional social cultural dimensions.
  365. 365. Marriage being basically two individuals interacting within the limited confines of the bond holding them together, for the purpose of achieving a mutually accepted GOAL, it become almost inevitable that some points of conflict can rise between the two.
  366. 366. Most likely sources ofmarital conflict mayinclude:- Respectablefamily background
  367. 367.  - Personal values- Role perception and- Personal expectation
  368. 368. - Behaviors in terms of upbringing of children- Personal attitudes towards money, in –laws etc.
  369. 369.  - Inordinate pride on part of either partner for example if one to social origins or financial status one feels superior to the other, this pride could develop into a tendency to magnify the perceived faults on the -weaknesses of the other
  370. 370. - Problem of ambivalence that is latent hostility and the love-hate factor.NEED FOR RESOLUTION MEASURES Any conflict is potentially destructive at many different levels and degrees of importance.
  371. 371. The problem becomeseven more serious whenone partner can gain onlyat the expense of theother.
  372. 372.  NB:This becomes a sum – zero game in which there must be a loser. This can be very precarious in a marriage because any WIN-LOSE proposition is band to generate conflict. Conflict generates perceptional error and biased judgments; and if allowed to reach the boiling point it will be difficult to cool it off therefore.
  373. 373. It is much better * To foresee it * To read it off * Not to require either partner to lose face
  374. 374. 6. OVERCOMING CONFLICTMarriage partners must understand that, combined; they form one superior entity (Eccl. 4:9) for instance, if they have some important task to do together OR to face some common crisis requiring their combined effort.
  375. 375.  Ifa Win – Lose conflict leaves no room for COMPROMISE or MERGER, then a MERATOR may have to impose a solution ( a family elder, respectable Minister, chief etc) NB: Role of a MEDIATOR can be truly depending on how he “performs” Either the couple in conflict will see him as practical, fair open – minded, impartial, honest etc
  377. 377.  Definition and origin Temperament is the unseen force underlying human actions It’s the combination of the inborn traits that subconsciously affect our behavior. These traits which are passed on by our genes are based on hereditary factors which are arranged at the time of our conception.
  378. 378.  At the time of our conception, we all inherited basic genetic temperaments that contains both our strengths and weaknesses this temperament is called severally in the Bible.  the natural man  the flesh  the old man  corruptible flesh
  379. 379.  Our temperament is the basic impulse of our being that seeks to satisfy our want It is a person’s temperament that makes him or her outgoing and “extrovertish” or shy and “introvertish”.
  380. 380.  Similarly it is a temperament that makes some people art or music enthusias whiles others are sports or industry- minded.
  381. 381.  There are good musicians whose siblings are tone deaf and there are great footballers whose brothers will never watch them play even if the stadium is built in their home.
  382. 382.  1. TEMPERAMENT Is the combination of the traits we are born with 2. CHARACTER: It’s the real you. The Bible referred to it as the hidden person.
  383. 383.  It is the result of your natural temperament modified by childhood training education, basic attitudes, beliefs, principles and motivations.
  384. 384.  It is sometimes referred to as the soul of the person (Mind + Emotions +Will =Soul) What you really are when there is no one else around you.
  385. 385.  What you do when you have the freedom to do what you want to do is an expression of yourself. YOUR CHARACTER IS YOUR CIVILIZED TEMPERAMENT
  386. 386.  3. PERSONALITY: The outward expression of one’s self, which may or may not be the same as a person’s character depending on how genuine that person is.
  387. 387.  Many are acting a part today on the basics of what they think they should be as a person. YOUR PERSONALITY IS THE FACE YOU SHOW TO OTHERS
  388. 388. THREE THINGS THAT CAN AFFECT YOUR TEMPERAMENT 1. TRIBE: 2. GENDER Men and Women may have the same temperaments but the extent of emotional expressions may vary.
  389. 389. 3. BELIEFS Temperament traits whether controlled or not is for a life time. The older you get the softer it becomes. When you repent the Holy Spirit controlled your weakness but does not change your temperaments.
  390. 390. Two major temperaments are Introverts and Extroverts. The breakdown of the two Sanguine Choleric Melancholy Phlegmatic
  391. 391.  Temperament Extrovert IntrovertSanguine Choleric Melancholy Phlegmatic
  392. 392. EXTROVERTISH: -SANGUINE The warm, buoyant, lively and fun-loving temperament. A sanguine is receptive by nature, and external impressions easily find way to his or her heart, where they readily cause an out-burst of responds.
  393. 393.  A sanguine has an unusual capacity to enjoy himself and usually passes on his or her hearty out-going nature.
  394. 394.  When this person comes into a room of people, s/he has the tendency to lift the spirit of everyone presence by his/her exuberant flow of conversation.
  395. 395.  This person is a thrilling story teller because his/her warm, emotional nature almost makes his/her relive the experience in the very way of telling it.
  396. 396.  Sanguine never lacks friends, his/her naive, spontaneous, genial nature opens doors and hearts to him/her.
  397. 397.  The sanguine can genuinely feel the joy and sorrow of the person s/he meets and has the capacity to make that person feels important as though the new acquaintance were a very special friend, which he or she is until he meets the next person who then receives the same attention.
  398. 398.  A sanguine always forgets resolutions, appointments and obligations. S/He is unstable. S/he is on the next exciting adventure.
  399. 399.  He loves to be surrounded by friends and has an endless repertoire of interesting stories that he tells dramatically, making him favourite with children as well as adults and usually gaining admission at the best parties or social gatherings.
  400. 400.  This person is never at lost of words, though s/he often talks without thinking.
  401. 401.  This person is open and sincere which however has a disarming effect on many of his listeners, causing them to respond to his/her mood.
  402. 402.  This person life styles make him/her the envy of the more timid temperament type.
  403. 403. BIBLICAL EXAMPLE The Apostle Peter, anytime he appeared in the Gospel he will be talking in the gospel, He talked more than all the other apostles put together.
  404. 404.  Everything he said in the gospel was wrong except in his confession of Christ in Matthew 16:16. His sinful betrayer and easily repentance with tears is typically sanguine. They always feel bad for wrong doing after they get caught but that is not the end of the story, he became the strong resolute leader of the early Church. In Acts of the Apostles, everything he said was right because he was filled with the Holy Spirit.
  405. 405. SANGUINE BEST CAREER They are very charismatic They usually make excellent sales people. They will even sell a refrigerator to Eskimos.
  406. 406.  Actors, Entertainers and Preachers, particularly Evangelist. They are outstanding master of ceremonies, leaders sometimes, Politicians
  407. 407.  In the area of helping people, they excel as hospital workers, doctors, health attendance and so on.
  408. 408.  Sanguine should choose carrier that allow them to extensive exposure to people. Their chief contribution to life lies in making over people happy.
  409. 409. -CHOLERIC This is the hot, active, practical and strong-willed temperament. This person is often self-sufficient and very independent.
  410. 410.  This person turns to be decisive and opinionated, finding it easy to make decisions for himself as well as for others.
  411. 411.  This person thrives on activity; in fact, to that person life is activity.
  412. 412.  This person does not need to be stimulated by his environment. S/he rather stimulates his/her environment with his/her endless ideals, plans and ambitions.
  413. 413.  This person has an endless activity for s/he has a practical keen mind capable of making sound, instant decisions or planning worth while, long range projects.
  414. 414.  This person does vacillate under pressure of what others think. S/he takes a definite stand on issues and can often be found crusading against social injustices or unhealthy situations.
  415. 415.  A choleric is not frightened by adversities, they rather tend to encourage him or her.
  416. 416.  A choleric has a dogged determination and often succeeds where others fail, not because his/her plans are better than others but because s/he is still pushing ahead” after others have become discourage and has quit.
  417. 417.  Most cholerics are born leaders, and always land on his/her feet.
  418. 418.  The emotional nature of a choleric is the least developed part of his temperament.
  419. 419.  S/he does not sympathize with others easily or does s/he naturally show or express compassion.
  420. 420.  He or she is often embarrassed or disturbed by the tears of others.
  421. 421.  This person has little appreciation for fine art; his/her primary interest is in the utilitarian values of life.
  422. 422.  The choleric is so optimistic, really anticipating failure.
  423. 423.  Love is not usually high on choleric priority list.
  424. 424.  This person is quick to recognize opportunities and equally as quick of diagnosing the best way to make use of them.
  425. 425.  Cholerics have well organized minds, though detailed usually bored them.
  426. 426.  This person tends to look at the goal toward which s/he is working without seeing the potential pitfalls and obstacles in the path – once s/he has started toward a goal s/he may ran roughshod over individuals that stand in his way.
  427. 427.  A choleric tends to be domineering and bossy and does not hesitate to use people to accomplish his/her ends. S/He is often considered on opportunist.
  428. 428.  The choleric’s attitude of self-sufficiency and willfulness make him difficult to reached for Christ in adulthood. You need to win them during their childhood.
  429. 429. CHOLERIC BEST CAREER Leadership careers, motivations and productivity, provided they do not to require too much attention to details and analytical planning;
  430. 430.  Committee meeting and long range planning bore the choleric. Surgeon, dentist, philosopher, inventors, watch makers.
  431. 431.  Although not usually craftsmen they supervise craftsmen. They usually enjoy construction work, and if so productive may usually end up being foremen or project supervisors.
  432. 432.  This person is developer of nature, city planning, gardening, etc.
  433. 433.  They are not good delegates they always end up doing what they asked others to do.
  434. 434. BIBLICAL EXAMPLE OF A CHOLERIC The Apostle Paul – He was the Prime Persecutor of the early Church before he was saved.
  435. 435.  He pushed himself relentlessly until he had preached the gospel around the then known world, who, but a choleric would crawl under the rock pile and then the next day walk miles to preach the gospel.
  436. 436.  When he was filled with the Spirit he exhibited gentleness and compassion that was contrary to his natural temperament.
  437. 437.  The Holy Spirit can control even choleric who seems to find it hardest to realize what Christ meant when he said without me you can do nothing (Jn 15:5)
  438. 438.  There is no limit to what a Choleric can do when he learns to walk in the Spirit and to abide with Christ.
  439. 439. INTROVERTISH -MELANCHOLY It’s often referred to as black or dark temperament. Actually this is the richest of the temperament.
  440. 440.  Melancholic is an analytical self sacrificing, gifted, perfectionist type, with a very sensitive emotional nature.
  441. 441.  Even though an introvertish, this person’s nature does not give him/her stable mood.
  442. 442.  This person is sometimes happy and sometimes moody, during these times s/he withdraws him/herself and can be quiet antagonistic.
  443. 443.  This person is a very faithful friend but does not make friends easily.
  444. 444.  This person will not push himself to meet people but let people come to him/her.
  445. 445.  This type of person is the most dependable among all the temperaments, for his perfectionist tender care. Does not permit him/her to be a shirker or let others down.
  446. 446.  This person’s natural reticence to put him/ herself forward is not an indication that he/she doesn’t like people.
  447. 447.  A melancholy does not only like others but s/he also has a strong desire to be loved by them. Since disappointing experiences make him/her reluctant to take people at face values. S/he is prone to be suspicious when others seek him/her out or shower him with attention.
  448. 448.  A melancholy usually finds greatest meaning in life through personal sacrifices.
  449. 449.  This person tends to be very thorough and persistent in the pursuits of a chosen goal and s/he is more than likely to accomplish great good.
  450. 450.  As a general rule, no other temperament has a higher or more creative or imaginative mind than a melancholy and no one else is as capable of such a high – quality “perfect work.
  451. 451. MELANCHOLY BEST CARREER Composers, artists, musicians, inventors, philosophers, theoreticians, theologians, scientists and dedicated educators.
  452. 452.  One vocation that seems to attract the melancholy surprisingly enough is acting even though we tend to identify this profession with extroverts.
  453. 453.  Once the stage is set, the Melancholy can adopt another personality no matter how much extroversion it requires, but as soon as the play is over s/He reverts back to his own introvertish personality.
  454. 454.  Almost any humanitarian vocation will attract melancholy. Dr.
  455. 455.  No temperament has much natural potential when energized by the Holy Spirit as the Melancholy.
  456. 456. BIBLICAL EXAMPLE Many outstanding Bible characters had strong melancholy temperament. All the prophets were melancholies as well as Solomon and John the apostle.
  457. 457.  Moses – a gifted introvert filled with self doubt who eventually trusted God to make him one of the greatest leaders in all history
  458. 458.  Yet Moses never had victory over his anger, which limited God’s use of his life and resulted in him dying without entering the promise land.
  459. 459. PHLEGMATIC They are said to have a body fluid that produced a calm, cool, slow easy-going well balanced temperament
  460. 460.  Life for phlegmatic is a happy, unexcited, pleasant, experience in which he avoids as much involvement as possible.
  461. 461.  They never seem to get ruffled, no matter what the circumstances (disturb) upset.
  462. 462.  A phlegmatic has a very high boiling point and seldom explodes in anger or laughter, but keeps his/her emotions under control.
  463. 463.  This is the one temperament type that is constant every time you see this person.
  464. 464.  This person is usually kind hearted and sympathetic but seldom conveys his/her true feeling (not often)
  465. 465.  This person feels more emotions than it appears on the surface and has a good capacity to appreciate fine art and the fine things of life.
  466. 466.  This person does not lack friends because s/he enjoys people and have a natural dry sense of humor that others enjoy.
  467. 467.  Phlegmatic has a retentive mind and is a good imitator.
  468. 468.  A phlegmatic usually delights in watching the other temperament S/he desires the plans and ambition of the choleric.
  469. 469.  This person turns to be spectator in life even though s/he is very good.
  470. 470.  A phlegmatic does not try get too involved with the activities of others. In fact it is difficult for him or her to be motivated to move beyond his or her daily routine.
  471. 471.  This person is merciful but is not sympathetic
  472. 472.  When one aroused to actions s/he proves to be most competent and efficient.
  473. 473.  This person tends not to take leadership on his or her own but when it is entrusted upon him or her, s/he can be a good leader.
  474. 474.  Secretly phlegmatic aspires for promotion but s/he will wait and wait until everything is in mess before s/he assume the responsibility only after its forced on him/her.
  475. 475.  This person is a good delayer, s/he will like to wait and wait until s/he is encouraged
  476. 476.  They are very good peace makers in the world.
  477. 477.  This person does not usually take risk, s/he can stay in a bad job for years without complain even though s/he knows s/he is being cheated.
  478. 478.  This person does not take risk, s/he can stay in a company for years through out his or her entire life.
  479. 479. PHLEGMATIC BEST CAREER: They seem to draw to the field of education.
  480. 480.  Most elementary teachers are phlegmatic in temperament.
  481. 481.  Sanguine – will tell stories all day.
  482. 482.  Melancholy criticizes them and they will be afraid to read allowed
  483. 483.  The students who will leap at the wonders are choleric.
  484. 484.  It takes the gentle phlegmatic to assume the ideal atmosphere for such learning in seconds. They are good at physics, grammar literature and languages.
  485. 485.  Engineering, sanitation expects chemical engineers, draught men mechanical or civil engineers. They are so good merchants crafts men, carpenters electricians, watch and camera repairers.
  486. 486.  They don’t take risk; they can stay in a company for years through out their entire life.
  487. 487. BIBLICAL EXAMPLE Abraham Abraham fear, worry
  488. 488.  More space was allocated to Abraham in New Testaments than any other character in the Old Testaments.
  490. 490. THE FAMILY (IN LAWS)
  491. 491. Family may be defined as a group of people linked together either by blood, marriage or adoption.
  492. 492. INLAWS are the the relativesand family members of yourspouse
  493. 493. Mother in-laws – 2Father in-laws - 2Brothers and SistersOther in-laws (Extended families)
  494. 494. WHAT ARE THEIR ROLES Consultants on certain issues eg. Baby seatinginterventions on bereavements. Spokes persons for the respective families.Intermediaries in settlement of conflicts.Absorption of mates in the case of death.Paying of dues during bereavements. Ect.
  495. 495.  HOW TO LIVE WITH THEM (a). set boundaries for your in laws and always remind them of those boundaries (b).channel your grievances through the line of authority stated in the bible. (Mat. 18: 15 – 20)
  496. 496. (c).don’t discuss your spouse with your in laws during his absence.(d). try as much as you can to protect each other so that a third party will not distract you.
  497. 497. (e).don’t try please all of your in laws: this is not possible. Avoid hypocrisy and be yourself.
  499. 499.  DEFINITION: Responsibilities of the man (husband Responsibilities of the woman (wife) Challenges of parenting today.
  500. 500. PARENTINGIs a process of caring foryour child or children. It isthe skill and responsibilityof being a parent.
  501. 501. Parenting involves Nurturing and teaching of the child.
  502. 502. Nurturing means to carefor and protect somethingwhile they are growing anddeveloping. It also meansto help something developand be successful.
  503. 503. Nurturing is bringing up something the way you want it to be or prefer. It is to take great care of something.
  504. 504.  TEACHING is to lead someone to understand or do something (leadership by example) It also means to impact skills or knowledge to someone through explanation and guidance.
  505. 505. THE NEED FOR PROPER PARENTING Anything that is not train is “caricature.” Children training is a command from God (Prov.22:6).
  506. 506.  It is profitable to train our children especially the adolescence (investment)
  507. 507.  It is easier to train adolescence than when they grow. Handle them with prayer.
  508. 508. Use constructive words and not destructive words when you are talking to them. Bless them with your mouth. Don’t punish them for things they haven’t done. Our words are important as parents
  510. 510.  DEFINITION: This is n attempt, to first of all, space child birth and to limit the number of children by the couple either through a natural or chemical means. The consent of both parents is very important.
  511. 511.  WHY FAMILY PLANNING? Spacing: this is creating a space between births. Spacing has health implications on the mother. It will enable the mother to get adequate rest after birth.
  512. 512.  Medically, the woman is supposed to stay for about two to three years for her body to be ready for the next child.
  513. 513.  (ii). limit: planning to have the number of children you can cater for. Financially, planning for a limited or sizable family is very helpful. It helps the couple to give adequate care for their children. This includes quality child education and training.
  514. 514.  NOTIONS A lot of people are against the family planning methods and not the concept.
  515. 515.  (a). The background of the individual couples. If couples are from homes where they have more children they may want to have more children. Therefore family planning may not be necessary for them.
  516. 516.  (b).The religious background of the individuals. If the individual belong to a faith that does not agree with family planning concepts, there is the likelihood that they may not accept family planning in their marriage. Therefore by virtue of religion or believe some people may be against family planning.
  517. 517.  (c). the educational background of the individuals. An educated woman would not want to have more than five children, looking at the current economic situation of the country.
  518. 518.  Sometimes too people may want to reduce the number of their children because they want to do further studies or to take on a newer adventure in life.
  519. 519. (d). the occupation of individuals. Some people’s job or work can influence the number of children they may want to have.