Soft Leadership Skills

Austin Peay State University Gray Kane, Ph.D.
APSU Center for Teaching and Learning 2015-2016
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Soft Leadership Skills
“Soft skills get little respect but will make or break your career.”
– Peggy Klaus, The Hard Truth about Soft Skills
develop personal capacity
To become leaders, people routinely assume challenging, but not overwhelming responsibilities.
They might accept leadership roles in professional organizations, pursue grants for a new high-
school or community-college bridge program, co-develop an online degree concentration, or
serve on the Senate Executive Committee. Whichever responsibilities they pursue, prospective
leaders are seeking opportunities not only to broaden their awareness of how higher education
operates, but also to develop and display their initiative and soft skills.
The term “soft skills” refers to what many mistake for personality traits: personal habits, attitude,
interpersonal skills, communication skills, …. In combination, they form a person’s professional
image. They create an aura of trustworthiness and respect.
Not everyone develops his or her soft skills. Take for example Dr. Tina Lopez, Associate
Professor of Languages and Literature. Dr. Lopez has been successful enough to acquire tenure,
but she feels at her wits’ end. During the tenure-track process, she revised her dissertation into
several presentations and publications, basically extending the thought process and productivity
levels she had cultivated in graduate school. During her first six years, she taught the same ways
her professors had taught her, while struggling to accommodate Austin Peay’s unique student
populations. She never has refused a chair’s request or a committee assignment, but would like
to learn how to say “no” or otherwise make time for ideas she always puts on the backburner.
Dr. Lopez feels overwhelmed. Not only does she struggle to balance her roles as professor,
daughter to aging parents, wife, and mother to two young children, but she also conveys a
stressed demeanor, with rare but nonetheless occasional outbursts at both work and home. Dr.
Lopez despises these less positive aspects of herself.
She aspires to be instead more like Dr. Riya Khanna. Starting at Austin Peay only two years
before Dr. Lopez, Dr. Khanna is an Associate Professor from the same department who already
has served as a leader in professional organizations, coordinator of the graduate program, and
Faculty Senate President. She played an active role on the Presidential Search Committee,
currently serves on the Executive Committee, and has accepted the position of Associate Dean.
Like Dr. Lopez, Dr. Khanna remains current in her research and has two young children, but in
general, she doesn’t appear overwhelmed. Rather, she exudes an aura of likeability and
confidence while consistently demonstrating competence. Dr. Khanna is both a positive and

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effective representative of their college and university, with rapid ascension in the university’s
hierarchy.
Dr. Lopez refuses to accept their different trajectories as being the byproduct of mere personality
differences. She knows she can change and grow as a productive member of her department, and
she aspires to be a campus leader.
To expand personal capacity and create a professional identity that colleagues would associate
with leadership, people like Dr. Lopez actively develop the following soft skills:
 time-management skills
 stress-management skills
 interpersonal skills
 conflict-management skills
 teamwork skills
time-management skills
Highly effective leaders organize their complex schedules to decrease strains on their working
memories and increase their workflows, with scheduled times to reflect.
Strategically, productive people eliminate or automate insignificant decisions. Multiple studies
show that low-value decisions, like what to do next or how long to spend on it, exhaust mental
energy and lower the effectiveness of more important decisions (Tierney, 2011).
No matter how insignificant, a decision depletes mental energy because it relies on multiple
mental operations. In order to decide what time to set the alarm for waking up the next morning,
a person has to recall the day’s schedule (children’s arrival at school by 7:15 a.m., 8 a.m.
meeting with the dean, class at both 10:10 a.m. and 1:25 p.m., and a grant proposal’s deadline at
5 p.m.), comprehend obligations (prepare the kids’ breakfasts, make their lunches, grade the
remaining exams for the class at 1:25 p.m., and edit the grant narrative), calculate variables such
as likely interruptions (manage moody kids, navigate excessive traffic, respond to emails, answer
her mother’s phone calls, address panicked students’ needs, socialize with colleagues), and
personal productivity (the time it takes to make the kids’ meals, how long it takes to grade each
exam, the time it takes to complete last-minute revisions on the proposal), analyze how to
streamline the process (apologize and excuse oneself from friendly colleagues, close the office
door, grade the essay sections all at once, and ignore emails until submitting the proposal),
imagine resulting scenarios (what happens if the dean requests an assessment summary for last
semester’s course redesign, due by 4:30 p.m.?), and ultimately compare and contrast those
scenarios for a decision (wake at 5 a.m., drive children to school by 7 a.m., and grade at least
three essays by 7:55 a.m.). No matter the topic, each decision requires recollection,
comprehension, application, analysis, synthesis, and evaluation. Low-value decisions can
exhaust a person’s day by wasting valuable time and energy.

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Excessively busy people have no choice but to eliminate or automate low-value decisions or face
failure. President Obama revealed he wears suits in only two colors to reduce the number of
insignificant choices he has to make. “I’m trying to pare down decisions. I don’t want to make
decisions about what I’m eating or wearing. Because I have too many other decisions to make,”
President Obama explains; “You need to focus on your decision-making energy. You need to
routinize yourself. You can’t be going through the day distracted by trivia” (Lewis, 2012).
Many CEO’s and VIP’s often rely on personal assistants to tell them where to go, whom they are
meeting, and the meeting’s purpose, as well as when to leave the meeting so as to stay on
schedule. Some assistants not only organize schedules, but also make business decisions their
bosses would consider menial. For example, Elon Musk—the co-founder or founder of such
companies as PayPal, SpaceX, and Tesla Motors—relies on his personal assistant to manage “the
flow of business in Musk’s absence” (Vance, 2015, p. 119). Assistants free executives from
having to exert mental energy on anything other than truly executive decisions. Without
assistance, executives would become overtaxed, overwhelmed, and ineffective.
Most people do not have personal assistants. But they can establish routines that pare down
decisions, and a growing number of people have smart phones with alarms, not to mention
access to digital calendars and free productivity apps, like to-do lists and other workflow
applications. Regardless of which applications they service, alarms can notify people of where to
go, what to do, and how long to do it. With only five minutes each day of programming time,
alarms can preserve mental energy and improve efficiency enough to save maybe an hour in a
day and possibly multiple hours in a week.
But alarms aren’t enough. Productive people also prioritize their responsibilities. By tackling the
most important projects first, they accommodate last-minute impediments to their schedules that
otherwise might thwart their success.
Every work environment has fires to extinguish. People do not have to let extinguishing a fire
also extinguish their most important project—because the fire and deadline happen to overlap in
time. When programming alarms, people instead can prioritize, with the goal of finishing the
most important projects first, way before their deadlines.
Highly productive people also schedule their most complex work during their hours of peak
productivity. Early-morning people tackle their most demanding jobs in the morning; afternoon
people, in the afternoon; night people, at night. This is true for personal projects, too. Faculty can
arrange with their department chairs for schedules that maximize their workflows during their
peek productivity hours.
Effective leaders accomplish, but they don’t forfeit their lives to do it. They schedule their
meditative, reflective, creative, familial, and social opportunities just as they would other
opportunities. In other words, “Work-life balance” is a false dichotomy; it suggests work is not
part of life. More accurately, highly effective leaders live to accomplish in diverse aspects of
their lives, and as a result, they achieve fulfilling lives.

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By scheduling reflection time, meditation exercises, or rewards after difficult tasks, as well as
fun activities throughout the day, week, month, and year, people can increase their motivation
and avoid the burnout that plagues their exhausted peers. Schedule family. Schedule fun.
Schedule time for everyone. There is more time than most people realize, if they manage it right.
Perhaps equally importantly, time management is attitude. Rather than bemoan a task, effective
people liberate their time by completing annoying tasks quickly and moving-on with their lives.
By routinely taking the time to manage their schedules, responsibilities, and tasks, people can
accomplish more, spend more quality time with friends and loved ones, and get more out of their
lives, one calendar alarm at a time.
With this understanding, Dr. Lopez has adopted a routine for going to sleep and waking up and
designated times and alarms for her semester’s tasks, like preparing lunches or taking her kids to
school, as well as for intellectual activities, such as course planning, grading, research, and grant
writing. She also has allocated flex time for reflection, socializing, participating in activities with
her family, and catching up. Based on the previous day’s accomplishments, she dedicates five
minutes each day to modifying her schedule. To streamline her ability to read the calendar, Dr.
Lopez color-coded her different responsibilities.
She already can see that with practice in time management, she can achieve Dr. Khanna’s
productivity levels that she so admires and then possibly rise, too, in the university’s hierarchy—
if only she can garner the trust from her colleagues that Dr. Khanna has achieved.
stress-management skills
Effective leaders first and foremost apply intentional strategies to reduce the likelihood of stress
on the front end, scan for early warning signs, and then have tactics ready to lower stress in the
moment.
Although inevitable and often intentionally pursued, change increases stress. Studies suggest that
when people have to accommodate multiple significant changes over a year, the stress can lead
to illness, even when those changes are positive (Davis et al., 2008, pp. 4-7). Leaders recognize
their inescapable relationship with change and hedge their bets.
Develop Routines
As part of a daily strategy to improve their resilience, many leaders engage in positive self-talk,
particularly when encountering difficulties. By reframing emotionally exhausting thoughts into
positive ones, such as the rethinking of “working” as “accomplishing,” leaders increase their
motivation and circumvent the unnecessary additional stress that negative self-talk produces.
Positive thinking not only helps people cope with difficulties, lessens anguish, and reduces the
likelihood of depression, but also enhances their immune systems, strengthens cardiovascular
health, and increases their lifespans (“Positive thinking,” 2014).

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Most negative thoughts are flawed, anyway. Presuming to be the central cause of others’ words
or actions, some people take personally what others say or do. As if they could read minds and
know others’ motives, they attribute negative intent. Some reduce their expectations for others to
a series of “should” or “must” statements and experience excessive disappointment in their
relationships. Others overestimate the likelihood of a catastrophe. Many filter the positives from
their perceptions and overemphasize the negatives. When something bad does happen, they
overgeneralize, as if something bad “always” happens—or the counterpoint, that something good
“never” happens. Some people adopt an “all or nothing” attitude and thereby deny themselves
the various successes in life’s many failures.
Positive thinking not only improves a leader’s attitude or resilience in stressful situations.
Positive thinking also increases opportunities. For instance, when people exchange the words “I
can’t” with the thought, “I can find out how,” they eliminate dead-end thinking, develop their
capabilities, and overcome obstacles. They also attract more colleagues to work with them,
instead of encouraging people to circumvent them when tackling difficult problems.
Faith plays a role, too. Those who use religion or spirituality to manage stress recover more
quickly from illness and have better health (Lee, 2010, p. 159). Additionally, they boost their
abilities to cope (ibid). Some of those benefits derive from the sense of community. Studies
reveal that people with higher levels of “community connection” achieve greater emotional
wellbeing (Schwartz et al., 2012, p. 263). Close communities offer a venue to receive support
and, perhaps equally importantly, provide others with support; in the words of one psychologist,
“the altruistic activity promotes better health” (Borchard, 2010). Even beyond creating a support
system and motivating altruism, a strong sense of community enables people to attribute
significance to life’s moments, structure their behavior, and stabilize their beliefs—all of which
are important to emotional wellbeing (ibid).
Faith has other benefits. Although leaders have to take responsibility for actions, no one can
guarantee outcomes. Prayer enables people to defer responsibility for results to a higher power,
which helps them accept whatever is beyond their influence. Many ask for forgiveness. That
simple act not only improves humility, but also creates mindfulness of when and how their
character defects might come into play. It promotes self-conscious behavior and patience with
oneself. Also, by praying for others, particularly for those who bring difficulty into their lives,
leaders can raise their awareness of others as more than facilitators of desires or obstacles to
goals; in other words, they decrease the self-centeredness that leads to unwarranted stress and
conflict. Last but not least, routinely expressing gratitude can encourage leaders to focus on
positives more than negatives and adopt a healthier outlook.
Those without faith can achieve similar benefits by parsing religion or spirituality into certain
practices and incorporating those practices into their routines. They can actively participate in
local, regional, or national organizations and similarly cultivate a strong sense of community,
with the goals of creating a support system, motivating altruism, attributing significance to life’s
moments, structuring their behavior, and developing their beliefs. Prospective leaders can
meditate on how their attitudes and behaviors have impacted their day in order to develop

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mindful behaviors and patience. They also can reflect daily on others, especially on difficult
people, as more than enablers of their wishes or obstacles to their objectives, with the aim of
decreasing the self-centeredness that drives unnecessary stress and conflict. Additionally, they
can write daily gratitude lists to emphasize the positive aspects of their lives.
The American Psychological Association (APA) promotes similar strategies for resilience. The
APA recommends people learn about and appreciate themselves, cultivate close relationships,
embrace change, think long-term, act decisively, and routinely take steps towards realistic goals
(“The Road to Resilience,” 2015). Self-discovery and self-appreciation encourage mindful
behaviors and patience. Quality relationships are the building blocks of support systems and
motivate altruism. Embracing change can grant leaders with a sense of stability in chaos. By
thinking long-term, they can recognize the insignificance of setbacks that otherwise appear
catastrophic—or even better, seize the opportunities in them that can yield greater overall
success. Acting decisively can help leaders avoid floundering with indecision in stressful
situations. By establishing realistic goals, dividing them into clear steps, and routinely taking
each step, leaders can alleviate the stress that derives from uncertainty or stagnancy. When
developed into routines, all of these strategies build resilience.
Exercise and entertainment also can improve resilience (ibid). According to the Anxiety and
Depression Association of America, “… regular exercise works as well as medication for some
people to reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression, and the effects can be long lasting. One
vigorous exercise session can help alleviate symptoms for hours, and a regular schedule may
significantly reduce them over time” (“Exercise for Stress …,” 2015). Frequent exercise not only
lowers stress and elevates people’s moods, but also improves focus, energy, and brain activity
(ibid). However, “frequent” is the operative word; fifteen minutes daily improves resilience more
than three hours once a week can (ibid). Exercise needs to become a significant part of a person’s
routine in order to have an effect.
Entertainment like a movie or show can lower stress, but only as long as people do not perceive
their watching to be a symptom of procrastination (Sifferlin, 2014). In other words, leaders can
lower stress with scheduled breaks and rewards. When linked with procrastination, however,
entertainment increases stress and fatigue (ibid). Instead of dedicating themselves entirely to the
entertainment, procrastinators battle guilt or worry about insufficient progress towards deadlines.
Finally, leaders can routinely smile and laugh to develop their resistance to stress. Even forced
smiles improve interpretations, lower blood pressure, strengthen the immune system, release
endorphins that kill pain, and boost serotonin levels, which elevate mood (Kleimen, 2012).
Laughter forces the body to consume oxygen, expands the lungs, contracts and relaxes muscles,
raises heart rate, regulates blood pressure, circulates blood, releases neuropeptides that fight
stress and illness, improves mood, and assists with coping (“Stress relief …,” 2013). In short,
smiles and laughter make life better. They also improve likability, which is essential for today’s
leaders.

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Scan for Early Warning Signs
To assist with fight or flight, a stressed human body engages in shallow breathing, constricts
blood vessels, raises its heart rate, releases adrenaline, increases blood sugar, suppresses the
immune system, redirects blood from less essential organs to the muscles, and shuts down the
digestive system. Without an appropriate outlet, the body sustains these reactions and develops
greater susceptibility to colds, skin disorders, hair loss, headaches, jitteriness, weight
fluctuations, high blood pressure, blood clots, strokes or heart attacks, menstrual disorders,
premature ejaculation, impotence, or other problems (See Davis et al., 2008, p. 23; Hall-Flavin,
2014; Moisse, 2012; Klein, 2013; Reardon, 2014; Stoppler, 2015; Karriem-Norwood, 2013).
By focusing exclusively on the external environment and what they have to accomplish, many
people overlook the internal tensions associated with stress. Raising bodily awareness can help
people identify and release internal tensions before they escalate and result in debilitating health
problems. Shallow breaths, a quickened heart rate, or a tightened muscle—for instance, in the
face, neck, shoulders, or back—can reveal otherwise unacknowledged stress. So too can mood
swings or emotional outbursts. The key, however, is self-awareness.
Prepare Tactics
After identifying early warning signs, people can intentionally apply tactics to lower stress in the
moment. If the warning sign is a tightened muscle, merely closing one’s eyes and focusing on
relaxing the muscle for a couple of minutes can provide immediate relief. Here is a brief list of
additional techniques:
 Deep Breathing. Between two and seven minutes, a person breathes deeply through the
nose by filling the entire lungs past the chest for three counts, holds the breath for three
counts, and exhales from the mouth for three counts (Virtually Free Ltd, 2015).
 Mindfulness. A person redirects attention from thoughts to immediate sensations and uses
curiosity and appreciation to focus exclusively on the present moment (Bishop et al.,
2006).
 Visualization. After finding a comfortable position, a person focuses on relaxing muscles
(Davis et al., 2008, p. 65) and imagines a pleasant setting with all five senses (p. 67).
 Power Poses. Whereas narrowing shoulders, folding forward, and generally occupying
less space will increase the stress hormone cortisol, expanding the shoulders and opening
the rest of the body for two minutes lowers cortisol levels and boosts confidence (Cuddy,
2012).
To overcome her sometimes debilitating stress, Dr. Lopez has adopted new routines. On the way
to campus, she actively thinks about the personal struggles of challenging students, colleagues,
and family members and prays that God help them and their loved ones through their difficulties.
Along similar lines, she willfully resists her inclination to interpret others’ negative attitudes or

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behaviors as pertaining to her. To promote a more positive attitude, the first and last thing she
does in the office is scribble gratitude lists into a tiny notebook. Finally accustomed to her
phone’s calendar and alarms, Dr. Lopez has programmed fifteen minutes of office yoga into her
morning schedule, two minutes of power poses before meetings and class, and two minutes of
meditation into her afternoon schedule. While walking across campus, she silently recites a
positive mantra. Also, she actively seeks lunch and coffee dates with colleagues to improve her
sense of campus community. Several of those colleagues have noted how relaxed and peaceful
she looks.
Still, Dr. Lopez knows that time and stress management alone won’t get her where she wants to
be. To become a valued member of her department and the university, she has to develop her
interpersonal skills.
interpersonal skills
In order to feel good about a person, people have to feel good with that person. Highly effective
leaders encourage others to enjoy interacting with them. They smile, laugh with those around
them, and interact positively with people, even when disagreeing with what they say.
To accomplish these attitudes and behaviors, leaders develop interpersonal skills on a foundation
of assertiveness. Assertiveness refers to the relaxed confidence one displays in discussions or
productive conflicts. On the one hand, people see a passive person as being more interested in
getting along than in getting to an optimal solution. On the other, they see an aggressive person
as more interested in being right or dominant than in collaboratively discovering the truth or best
option. But people trust an assertive person. They appreciate when someone at the table values
their perspectives and evaluates fairly, openly, and appreciatively.
Sure, particularly after years of practice, stress-management skills help leaders maintain an
assertive disposition in potentially frustrating situations, but too many people blindly reduce
assertiveness to stress management. Yes, stress management correlates with assertiveness, but
no, stress management does not cause it. In fact, more often than not, the reverse is true. Certain
strategies and techniques for assertive behaviors can improve situational stress management.
For instance, prospective leaders can connect their positions with the needs of others. By
speaking on behalf of others’ needs instead of their own, they can muster greater resolve to reach
the best option. This strategy also prevents a counterpart from dismissing their position as being
selfish. And both facets of this strategy reduce situational stress.
Additionally, by mentally reframing a meeting or negotiation into a collaboration, prospective
leaders can shift from a hierarchical or adversarial mindset to a flat organizational structure with
common goals. This strategy enables people to speak more comfortably—free from competition,
unwarranted power struggles, and of course, needless stress. Instead of a meeting or negotiation
with VIP’s, the conversation becomes a brainstorming session between two or more peers. Then

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the prospective leader can solicit buy-in by ensuring everyone has a voice, role, and stake,
simply by appreciating differences and emphasizing commonalities in pursuit of co-authorship.
Sounds great—but how do we do that?
To reframe an event, prospective leaders can socialize prior to discussion or negotiation, thereby
mentally separating ideas from people or judgments from identities. Simply put, we have to
recognize people for who they are—as human beings, not positions of authority or antagonism—
before we can separate them from what we or they are trying to accomplish. That mental
separation between the people at the table and the ideas or goals at stake allows people to assert,
“I disagree,” without thinking negatively of the person who articulated the idea or quivering
under fear of judgment.
Note that this strategy also helps others at the table disentangle prospective leaders from their
ideas. In other words, socializing works both as a method for achieving assertiveness and as a
means for promoting it.
As another strategy for assertiveness, prospective leaders can actively broaden their perspectives
in preparation to accept alternatives. This strategy requires that they dedicate considerable effort
to knowing the principles and goals behind their requests. Rarely do any of us want specifically
what we ask for. Far more likely, we want what we presume our requests can achieve. Do we
want the pay raise, or do we want the value of that raise, in time or purchasing power or even
status—as we alternatively might achieve through more travel money or release from a low-
value responsibility, or even a new title? Such knowledge enables us to relinquish rigid demands
and collaboratively explore alternatives with the people at the table.
When entertaining alternatives, highly effective leaders discuss facts and opinions from multiple
points of view, including their counterparts’, to model and encourage objective thinking. Rather
than argue a side, they generate scenarios, openly explore other people's suggestions by focusing
on how to before why not, and whenever possible, refer to objective measures for their
evaluations. In addition to displaying and encouraging objective thinking, a prospective leader
who adopts this strategy exhibits openness and adaptability, two leadership dispositions people
appreciate, particularly amidst social calls for transparency and within a tumultuous economy.
Highly effective leaders also go out of their way to truly understand what others need and want.
Instead of arguing points of disagreement, they actively listen for statements they can support.
Many use questions and conversational cues like smiling or nodding to keep a counterpart
talking about topics they can support. When a counterpart steers the conversation in
unproductive or, worse, disadvantageous directions, astute leaders interrupt and redirect—for
instance, by saying, “You have some interesting ideas. But I want to better understand this other
idea you mentioned.” Then, at the end of the meeting or in follow-up email, if not periodically
during the meeting, they can summarize those points of agreement in order to ensure everyone is
on the same page and to remind everyone of what that same page is. Simply practicing these
listening skills and behaviors can build a person’s reputation for working well with others and
seeking consensus.

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Far more important than steering the conversation, great leaders go out of their way to identify
the principles and goals behind a counterpart’s requests or demands. That knowledge enables
them to say “no” to the demand—but “yes” to satisfying the principles or goals in some other
capacity. When leaders truly comprehend a counterpart’s values, needs, concerns, and goals,
they can significantly impact if not direct the terms of agreement—especially if they frame the
options in value-laden language their counterpart can appreciate.
However, some people have trouble determining others’ motives or discerning where or how to
draw the line on entertaining demands. As a stop gap, many leaders adopt the “no, but, if”
technique. This simple tactic involves firmly saying “no” to the request or demand, followed by
“but,” with a condition that enables a reasonable alternative: “No, my department can’t pay for
food, but if your department can cover the catering, I can do all the planning and coordinating.”
This method helps a prospective leader assert boundaries without threatening the collaboration or
relationship.
Still, understanding everyone’s principles and goals will take a prospective leader much farther.
To assist with this process, people can borrow from Neil Rackham's unfortunately-named SPIN
approach. SPIN thankfully does not refer to spinning other people's words, but rather stands for
Situation questions, Problem questions, Implication questions, and Need-payoff questions.
Situation questions are those that help people understand who everyone at the table is—including
their roles, backgrounds, skills, or resources—and the context of their meeting, with relevant
data such as performance indicators or industry benchmarks. Prospective leaders should relegate
situation questions to the pre-meeting research process as much as possible. Situation questions
enable a person to comprehend at least cursorily who has the vantage points, skills, resources, or
dispositions to identify, evaluate, or act on relevant problems or opportunities. Key words on a
stakeholder’s LinkedIn page or in a blog post might cue a prospective leader into that person’s
values. In short, know who you’re sitting down with and why.
The rest of SPIN assists with collaborative exploration. Problem questions are those whose
answers reveal issues that stakeholders at the table, or their associates, can address. Problem
questions would help everyone speculate, for instance, what obstacles prevent a preferred venue
from becoming available for a high-profile event, or why department heads are unwilling to
share information or otherwise accommodate each other for a project. Next, implication
questions unravel the extent to which such uncovered issues impact human or other resources,
efficiency, operating costs, opportunity costs, etc. Implication questions peek people’s interests
by drawing attention to the stakes. Need-payoff questions encourage a person to explore what-if
scenarios and their impact on the problem. Based on the above examples, here are a couple of
need-payoff questions: “If turnaround time is the only obstacle to our using the venue, how
might extra manpower affect that turnaround time, and how skilled would that labor have to be?
Could we organize the extra manpower to expedite the breakdown and setup process?”; “If these
two department heads were to develop institutional thinking, not just departmental thinking,
would they still withhold information from each other that could benefit institutional goals? Can
we design a retreat or some other sustained engagement that fosters institutional thinking about

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this project?” Rackham emphasizes the importance of not only asking such questions, but also
encouraging others at the table to fully articulate the answers. Their generating both their own
problems and solutions fosters their psychological investment in the process.
Rackham developed SPIN as a research-based sales technique, and in his examples, the other
stakeholders are professional purchasers or others similarly involved in relationship-building,
long-term contracts, and large sales. The approach posits the salesperson in the position of
facilitator and the prospective client in the role of brainstormer and problem-solver in order to
build the client's active participation. Also, because the prospective client generates the problems
and solutions, the client simultaneously would construct a prepared argument for soliciting
additional approvals or funding sources. In other words, the method breeds buy-in, but equally
importantly, it cultivates articulate champions for the cause.
All leaders depend on buy-in and champions for their causes. Rackham's SPIN approach enables
leaders to bring others into the problem-solving or change process in ways that can lead to
sustainable contributions, even in the leader’s absence.
Thus far, we have discussed interpersonal skills in terms of assertiveness and collaboration. By
connecting their positions with the needs of others and reframing meetings or negotiations into
collaborations, prospective leaders can develop greater resolve to pursue truth or the best option,
lower stress, and build a social identity of trustworthiness. By socializing prior to discussion and
learning the principles and goals behind their own and others’ requests, they also can disentangle
everyone’s perceptions of each other from proposed and potentially contentious ideas, transform
debates into brainstorming sessions, and help everyone generate alternatives. By asking
questions that encourage everyone else at the table to articulate problems and solutions,
prospective leaders can simultaneously cultivate buy-in and inspire champions for the cause.
Assertiveness provides the foundation for interpersonal skills, but there are plenty of additional
interpersonal skills to develop. For instance, prospective leaders can practice attributing even the
ideas they personally devise to others in the room or their constituencies, whenever possible. In a
world where colleagues fight for credit and recognition, this approach seems counterintuitive, if
not dangerous. However, highly effective leaders know not only that buy-in outweighs credit, but
also that their early articulation of an idea does not mean they were the first to think of it.
When senior colleagues recognize they can defer authority without forfeiting recognition, they
not only desire to work more with such a trustworthy person, but also are willing to provide
opportunities which increase that person’s experience and visibility. On the one hand, they are
delegating responsibilities in order to lighten their own loads. On the other, they’re consciously
or unconsciously positioning that person for upward mobility. By publically aligning the person
with even informal authority, senior colleagues encourage others to associate that person with
authority. So long as the person acquires and demonstrates the requisite skills, most people will
view her as a perfect fit for formal leadership.
Prospective leaders also can practice involving every stakeholder in discussions. Most leaders
recognize that relying solely on vocal contributors can cause misconceptions. Many people

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silently process new knowledge and require someone else to actively solicit their ideas. Some
people quietly nod even when they disagree. Highly effective leaders encourage and welcome
objections to broaden awareness and understanding, as well as to facilitate cathartic articulations
that open discussions which can assuage fears. Agreements without clearly engaged stakeholder
ownership can devolve into poorly debated ideas with insufficient follow-through.
Involving every stakeholder in a discussion is not always easy. Some people do not want to
contribute. When faced with stubborn silence, prospective leaders can cater SPIN questions to
those who need prodding.
Note that some people’s statements might require management. Some people contribute in
inarticulate, negative, or excessively personal ways. Prospective leaders can paraphrase poorly
articulated ideas to confirm understanding or rephrase negative or excessively personalized
statements into positive or relatable terms.
After acquiring people’s ideas, prospective leaders can search for opportunities to openly
recognize, praise, and incorporate those contributions in order to promote an inclusive
environment and encourage buy-in.
Regardless of what happens in a meeting or an interpersonal exchange, highly effective leaders
focus on people’s strengths, never inadequacies, and complement those strengths regularly, both
publicly and privately. Highly effective leaders treat all people as their people and every
communication with them as special. A person who develops these skills, attitudes, and
behaviors should rise quickly in any organization.
At least, that’s what Dr. Lopez hopes. Having dramatically improved her time and stress
management, she now actively strives to make every meeting special. She dedicates more time to
preparing for meetings by looking up the participants, trying to decipher their values, and
reflecting on the true motives for her own desires. Whereas she used to wait for others to initiate
conversation and otherwise sit quietly before meetings, now she asks colleagues about their kids,
pets, or classes and strives to identify with them outside of their beliefs and objectives. During
discussions, she actively solicits everyone’s input and vocally recognizes people for their
contributions. Instead of searching for how to contribute, Dr. Lopez listens more carefully when
others talk, in search of any motives behind their preferences that can align with her own, and
quickly rephrases other people’s poorly stated ideas to prevent the conversation from getting
derailed. Rather than argue, she asks questions that keep people focused on shared interests, that
draw attention to the consequences of issues she would like to resolve, and that encourage
colleagues to develop what-if scenarios which address those issues. At the end of every meeting,
she verifies responsibilities and deadlines, attributes credit to others, and thanks people for their
ideas—even if she’s not chairing the meeting. Dr. Lopez has noticed that her colleagues respond
better to her now, and more people are interested in collaborating.
But she recognizes that she still has problems with conflict management.

13
conflict-management skills
Highly effective leaders manage the conflicts that can yield positive changes and either mediate
unproductive conflicts or coordinate more productive arrangements.
The factors that influence people’s attitudes or behaviors extend far beyond the bargaining table,
workplace, classroom, or even household, and not everyone achieves the requisite emotional
intelligence to recognize one’s own attitudes or behaviors or how they impact interactions and
relationships. Even fewer people have the skills to modify their attitudes or behaviors for
different audiences and circumstances, let alone transform them for personal wellbeing and
success.
Under the headings of “stress-management skills” and “interpersonal skills,” we touched on
strategies and tactics for decreasing both overall and momentary stress, as well as techniques for
developing and sustaining assertive behaviors even in tense situations. Just as stress-management
skills improve interpersonal skills, the two skills work in tandem and form the baseline for
conflict-management skills. Still, there’s more to conflict management than managing stress or
interpersonal interactions.
So what are some ways an assertive up-and-coming leader can mitigate, manage, or otherwise
handle conflict?
For meetings, some leaders bring paper as a prop. Paper enables a person to switch people’s
focus from each other to the paper, where the leader can outline facts. The paper keeps everyone
honest. Not to mention, focusing on the facts for problem-solving can help everyone escape from
interfering emotions. The paper also provides an excuse for a person to move around the table
and sit next to a counterpart, so that at least perceptually, they no longer are on opposite sides.
When a conversation gets heated, people can divert focus to a different component of the
discussion, like a common problem or action steps in the process. If necessary, they might even
return to socializing or take a break.
Sometimes a person can deescalate a situation by avoiding the word “you” or any imperatives or
accusatory-sounding language, adopting and accentuating “I” statements to draw attention to
oneself as a human being, expressing appreciation whenever possible, and emphasizing facts
instead of interpretations. People also can focus on only one problem or aspect of a problem at a
time to simplify the overwhelming nature of the discussion.
Not all conflicts require de-escalation, though. Some conflicts motivate participants, quickly
disseminate alternative points of view, and foster new insights.
Moreover, some conflicts can have political consequences if they’re not played-out. Let’s say a
counterpart challenges a prospective leader’s credibility or competence. If that counterpart
destabilizes her in front of others, he can disempower her voice in the discussion. An assertive
person can bypass defensiveness and calmly ask the counterpart to explain his dismissive
comment. If the explanation sounds ungrounded, she can ask for supporting examples. In such

14
political conflicts, the goal is to remain assertive and use questions to let the counterpart unravel
himself and his authority in the discussion.
Obviously, this goal is easier said than done, but a person can avoid emotional contagion by
imagining everyone is playing a role in a script. Here’s Archie Bunker. This is the part when he
gets visibly agitated and expresses his frustrations like a childishly offensive sitcom character.
Insert canned laughter here. Strategically, the person establishes psychological distance from the
conflict, simply by changing the interpretive frame to one that’s less threatening, perhaps even
comical.
Notice the difference between the above approach and aggressiveness—or worse, passive
aggressiveness. Highly effective leaders remain positive and friendly as the default. This means
ignoring even personal slights or, if they create an impasse or undermine authority, calmly
opening them to objective evaluation.
Note that not all conflicts are immediately manageable. In fact, many leaders have an exit story
planned before they engage in discussion. If the discussion irrevocably derails, they can use the
story to escape before they finalize an unfavorable deal or end-up in an unproductive conflict.
After all, they always can reinitiate the discussion another day.
After reading about conflict management, Dr. Lopez now takes notes during every meeting. She
uses a notebook to hone her active listening by documenting observations, ideas, and value-laden
words. One particular day, that notebook came in handy.
In a selection-committee meeting for the institutional grants that support the university’s Quality
Enhancement Plan, three colleagues became visibly agitated. They insisted one proposal was for
a project that already had institutional funding. While vocally supporting the project’s idea, they
accused the project leader of seeking funds merely to free up his department’s budget. Others
doubted the program already existed; they refused to let such a vital program go unsupported.
The disgruntled committee members argued that surely such a program had to exist, but no one
knew. Worse yet, this uncertainty spilled over to some of the other proposals. Several people
expressed frustration that they might finance projects which already had funding. Meanwhile,
only thirty more minutes remained, and the committee was too large to coordinate the members’
busy schedules for a second meeting.
The conflict revealed problems with the process. The grant proposal template lacked an area for
project leaders to identify whether their projects already existed or had lost prior funding. The
committee was too large to meet easily, and the selection process did not include time or an
expectation for the committee to communicate directly with project leaders about vital questions.
While her colleagues argued ever more heatedly, Dr. Lopez scribbled a list of these procedural
problems in preparation to divert their attention. She listened for the first micro-pause in the
debate and quickly interrupted, “I recognize that this is a new and different kind of grant, and
that it’s only natural that problems are going to arise, but I want to make sure I’ve written these
problems down right so we can resolve them for next time.” She read the list. Her colleagues
nodded enthusiastically. Some added to the list. While Dr. Lopez jotted down their observations,

15
a few resumed their agitated discussion. She interrupted again, “Let me read this back so I know
I’m not leaving out anything.” She read the revised list, and they listened attentively. Now that
she had their attention, Dr. Lopez quickly added, “Since we can’t overcome these problems for
this round, I don’t think we can exclude any proposals. I think we have no choice but to vote on
them.” She turned to the committee chair, “What do you say? Should we just go ahead and
vote?” The chair seized the momentum and called a vote.
After the meeting, a colleague stopped her to continue his argument, as if she were responsible
for silencing his opposition. He frantically waved his hands and over-emphatically argued his
side. Dr. Lopez recognized that although directed at her, his behavior had nothing to do with her.
She imagined he were a cartoon character. She smiled and nodded and at one point had to refrain
from laughing. Rather than respond directly, Dr. Lopez diverted his attention back to the process,
while leading him away from the conference room so at some point they would have to go their
separate directions: “Yes, you’re right. The whole process was flawed. We had no way of
knowing those answers, but we’ll get it straightened-out for next time.” She thanked him for his
pointing out these problems and acknowledged that if he hadn’t, they would have gone
unnoticed. She apologized for having to hurry to another meeting. As Dr. Lopez walked away,
she smiled and wished him a good day.
teamwork skills
Highly effective leaders utilize their personal strengths to complement the strengths of others.
In Strengths Based Leadership, Tom Rath and Barry Conchie list four domains that might be
helpful for thinking about one’s own and others’ leadership strengths: relationship-building,
strategic thinking, influencing, and executing (2008, p. 23). An effective team needs all of these
skillsets.
 Relationship-building is “the essential glue that holds a team together” (25). Among other
characteristics, it involves empathy, adaptability, and relatability (24).
 Strategic thinking transforms an unknowable future into realistic goals with achievable
benchmarks. It requires contextual awareness and analysis (ibid).
 “Influencing” refers to “selling the team’s ideas inside and outside the organization” (25).
It necessitates confidence, attention to significance, and communication skills (24).
 “Executing” means “[knowing] how to make things happen.” It involves responsibility,
focus, and discipline (ibid).
The above domains are not the only ways to think about people’s strengths, but they provide a
good starting point for ascertaining and leveraging skills and personality traits. People can reflect
on recent engagements in each of the four domains and identify which ones energize or motivate
them, or in which activities they feel the most comfortable. We all have multiple strengths, and
we can develop all of these strengths, but certain ones come more naturally to us than others do,
so much so that we can rank them.

16
Once people know their own, they can look for signs of other people’s strengths: frequency of
behaviors and corresponding body language, intonation, and attitude. What animates colleagues?
Where do they appear to be in their element? Knowing others’ strengths enables us to select team
members and delegate responsibilities. It also helps us discern which of our own strengths to
bring to the forefront.
The goal is not to compete with others’ strengths. It is to complement them. But that doesn’t
mean if two people share the same strength, only one should use it. Rather, knowledge of others’
strengths can inform a prospective leader’s decision of when or in which ways to utilize a
common strength, or how otherwise to step-up to the plate and improve the team’s efficiency.
For instance, the team may need relationship-building that a prospective leader can provide, even
though relationship-building is only a secondary strength. Understanding one’s own and others’
strengths empowers people. It enables us to coordinate diverse personalities into an effective
team.
Dr. Lopez agreed to work with a team of colleagues on revamping English 1010. Although she
had served on committees, she never before had worked as a member of a team. Unlike a
committee, this team demanded more than research and conversations, with an end product far
more concrete and nuanced than selecting grant recipients or proposing a recommendation. Her
graduate program had been a highly solitary process of reading, writing, and ultimately isolating
herself in her apartment to finish the dissertation. It did little to prepare her for working closely
with others to accomplish an objective. Yes, Dr. Lopez had developed her interpersonal and
conflict-management skills, but she only read about teamwork skills. She lacked practice and
confidence.
Before the team’s first meeting, she dedicated ten minutes to ranking her own strengths. Her
degree program may not have prepared her directly for teamwork, but the extensive discussions,
numerous essays, comprehensive examinations, and dissertation did help her develop influencing
skills. Clearly, they were her primary strength. The dissertation process also built her capacity
for strategic thinking, enough for her to list that as a secondary strength. She was still learning
the diverse players and processes for executing an idea, so she chose relationship-building as her
third strength.
During the team’s first meeting, Dr. Lopez took notes not merely on observations, ideas, and
value-laden words, but also on her teammates’ primary and secondary strengths. One colleague
overtly demonstrated relationship-building skills, but also showed aptitude for influencing. A full
professor knew whom to contact and what to do in order to acquire funding or otherwise get stuff
done. He also outlined multiple strategies for tackling the project. By the end of the meeting, Dr.
Lopez had detailed where people’s strengths overlapped, which teammates would work well
together, and where conflicts might arise if no one managed people’s similar strengths.
Although not the team leader, Dr. Lopez recommended people pair for responsibilities that
required multiple strengths. She also reserved her strategic-thinking skills to offer only questions
and what-if scenarios to the full professor, who otherwise took the lead in strategic planning.
Whenever strengths overlapped and people argued, she listened attentively to ensure the conflicts

17
remained productive. Whenever they ceased to be productive, she asked questions that would
allow each participant to utilize a different strength and shine in unique ways.
Several times over the course of the project, colleagues expressed their gratitude for her
involvement. One teammate referenced in particular her “leadership.”
Dr. Lopez smiled.
conclusion
Too many people buy into the myth of the natural-born leader. What this pervasive belief shows
us, however, is not the innate aspects of leadership, but rather the importance of soft skills. They
improve a person’s productivity, professional image, and capacity. They enhance professional
and personal satisfaction. Soft skills increase likeability and respect.
People are never born great leaders. They become effective leaders by assuming challenging
responsibilities that encourage them to broaden their institutional or professional awareness and,
equally importantly, to develop their soft skills. They learn to organize their complex schedules,
decrease strains on their working memories, and increase their workflows, with scheduled times
to reflect. They apply intentional strategies to reduce the likelihood of stress on the front end,
scan for early warning signs, and prepare tactics to lower stress in the moment. People who
become great leaders develop their capacities to smile, laugh with those around them, and
interact positively with others, even when disagreeing with what they say. They learn how to
manage, mediate, or deescalate conflicts, and they practice using their strengths to complement
the strengths of others, which builds rapport, improves team efficiency, and advances one’s
professional identity.
From the perspective of an observer, like Dr. Lopez’s colleagues in her team project, these skills
seem intrinsic, as if such admirable people were born that way. They’re not.
Great leaders develop these skills. In fact, the will to develop is what makes leaders great.

18
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