My piece in Hello! India (March issue) regarding lives of celebrities on Twitter

1. CELEBRITY TWITTER
TUTORIALS
G KHAmBA, THE fEARLESS BLOGGER/TWITTERER Of OUR
dIGITAL UnIvERSE, HOLdS fORTH On WHY CERTAIn CELEBRITIES
nEEd A CRASH COURSE In SOCIAL mEdIA nETWORKInG
Ifselection, human to meetleft in and the
you have any faith
ability of our species
intelligence
natural
key challenges
Rohatgi – whose brilliant marketing idea
of gifting a MacBook Pro and a date to her
10,000th follower (while still being at 4,000)
make one yourself?” line which is bullshit
– a chef doesn’t tell a paying a customer
to make their own food just because they
thrown up by the 21st century – I urge you is used as a case study in self-defeating don’t like it. The second is dismissing a
to look at Salman Khan’s Twitter feed. What campaigns at business schools. Given that follower by attributing jealousy (This is
you will read is the equivalent of hearing the everyone is waiting till the count hits 9,999 especially hilarious coming from those
sound of hope being crushed like a rabid before clicking on follow – there’s a higher whose own careers have tanked but survive
elephant dancing on dry Amazonian twigs. statistical possibility of the wooly mammoth because of their father or mother’s legacy).
Not that Salman isn’t fun – you do a double being brought back to life than there being This notion is grossly incorrect. More than
take when he updates his timeline with a winner. The jokes write themselves. jealousy what the medium highlights is the
“Going for shooting” – just that thousands vivek_oberoi Vivek Oberoi demographics reaction against present day
of people re-tweeting his “Hello” makes you celebrity culture. Because Twitter is a great
wish 2012 comes early. The pain I feel is very deep and personal leveler – no one allows themselves to be
19 Nov
In social media parlance, what we’re talked down to. If nothing else, those who
seeing is an Orkutisation of Twitter. With But beyond the inanities like common are cocooned or have not engaged with
Bollywood stars embracing the medium, threads that bind most celebrity accounts such large audiences directly get a major
celebrity hungry junta that couldn’t get on Twitter, there are also the downsides. reality check.
enough despite the industry infiltrating The first among these is trolls. Most soon Celebrities also stick within the same
every aspect of our culture and daily lives realise that along with great adulation camps on Twitter that they’re supposed
found a new way to ‘feel connected’ with comes its share of intense criticism – the to inhabit in real life. Amitabh Bachchan
their idols. The follower count – like an likes of which many just can’t handle. For is the elder statesman who everyone pays
AIEEE ranking – has created another every fan who pings a star ten times a day respect to, Shah Rukh Khan talks to people
metric to determine which Khan is number showering them with praise is another associated with Dharma Productions and
one, and the media – bored with reporting group that hates their very existence. For even online, no one talks to Vivek Oberoi
political sex scandals – can do national every fan who wants to know what one had except Ram Gopal Varma. While following
interest stories about what a certain star had for breakfast is another wondering anyone only other celebrities defeats the purpose
for lunch. Truly, for those who claim their why would give a damn. And beyond those of social networking – it is perhaps not as
only ambition in life is to get a response who hurl abuses for no rhyme or reason are bad as just using the medium as a broadcast
from their favourite celebrity – at which activists, journalists, comics, critics, bloggers service. It’s rather pathetic to see celebrities
point you should take a step back and and a multitude of others waiting to pounce sign up only to promote something and
contemplate killing yourself – it is like the on the slightest bit of irreverence. Like disappear right after they’re done without
fall of the Berlin Wall. society, Twitter slots you into specific roles them realising the damage it does to their
Being Salman Khan Salman Khan and expectations very quickly – and reacts standing for taking their audience for
viciously if you don’t meet them. If you’re granted. One wishes Nira Radia was online
Mein toh aisa he hoon a comedian – you must always crack jokes 24/7 to school them on PR.
18 Oct
and never be serious. If you’re a journalist shahidkapoor Shahid Kapoor
And while the elitist in me gets pissed – you must always give incisive commentary
at Twitter being consumed by Bollywood’s about the distraction of the day and not sar dard aur insomnia......
24 Jan
overreach and millions of users joining to seem flippant. If you’re Shahid Kapoor
do nothing but send incoherent messages – you must learn to spell before the next To be a celebrity on Twitter needs a thick
to stars (including abusing and trolling) Hailey’s comet. Individual accounts are in skin, serious social media management
the comedian in me can’t get enough. How effect – public property – because people skills and most importantly, a focus on how
else would I know that Aftab Shivdasani is a from across cross sections feel emotionally and what you want to use the medium for.
spiritual individual who loves inspirational invested and thus expect those celebrities It’s not easy, and it’s better to assess whether
quotes? (Frankly I would look for solace in to behave a certain way. the return on investment is worth it rather
these things too if my movie track record It has almost become a pattern. Celebrity than getting burned, mocked or involved
was similar). That Suhel Seth loves his own X joins Twitter to a wave of good cheer, starts in a public relations disaster. But whatever
jokes and can’t finish a sentence without tweeting with enthusiasm, begins getting you do, stop using mwaaah. We’d be able to
an exclamation mark (Pro tip: If your joke tired of the criticism after three months and buy anti-malaria nets for every child at risk
is funny, you don’t need to add a LOL at confesses the same, declares that s/he is in Africa if someone donated a nickel
the end). That Ayesha Takia’s life revolves taking a break – but eventually has to shrug every time a celebrity said so. H
around drinking tea alone, with family, it off or issue an apology simply because
friends, at restaurants, beside the windowsill their livelihood depends on investing in Blogger, stand-up comic and human rights
(Surprised no brand has signed her on yet) those very people. The best examples law student Gursimran Khamba can be followed
and Dolly Bindra’s BB Pin. (No seriously. are movie directors. Most come up with on www.gkhamba.com and www.twitter.com/
It’s on her profile). And then there’s Payal the “if you hate it so much why don’t you gkhamba
2
HELLO! MARCH 2011