1. Dear Counsellor,
After your visit last morning, i felt headache the whole day. That is usual
as my defense mechansim I employed when I first know my sexual
identity at age 10 is working automatically and intensely. (object relation
therory - interpersonal relationship) You may wonder why I drifted from
two previous social workers. In introspect, i understand the trigger of such
defense mechanism evoked severe anxiety so that commuting to the
counselling centres becomes a daunting task as my defense peels off.
Secondly, you are much younger than they are and elicit my lifelong
yearning for being hugged by sporty boys when i was studying in
secondary school. In other words, your presence brings back flashback of
my secondary school days when classmates speculated about my sexual
identity. I felt extremely nervous; Denial is one defense mechanism; next
comes repression. Sexual fantasy intrudes my mind that fixation becomes
inevitable. Shame stepped in when i had no way to dislcose my secret or
drain the sewage via nullah (mentor). There is no role model to follow; all
are negative examples on mass media. Similar to obsessive-compulsive
disorder, the intrusion of thoughts, or more precisely sexual fantasy,
becomes incessantly harassing. To direct my attention elsewhere from this
surging urges, I can only control it via immersing myself in
intellectualisation, like studying hard. The more I encountered such
impulses, the more i study hard. (antecedent->
behaviour->consequence). Obviously, i become an addict for knowledge to
avoid my confrontation with sexual impulses towards sporty males.
Luckily, my focus on study is positively reinforcing so that my gaze dwells
on books to escape such impulse. In order to adapt and survive, i
unconsciously adopt the self-placating stance from Virgina Satir's model, in
which the self component is omitted. Creatively as the mind functions, i
need to score good grades (intellectualization) to share my academic
homework with male peers. They keep copying my homework and praise
me for my diligence. This serves as positive reinforcement to attract male's
attention, and more importantly, recognition from male peers, besides
phsyique. Self-sacrifice (in form of other-directedness) is eulogized in the
name of being compassionate in buddhism and empathetic in counselling.
That is why I am attractred to knowing or delving into the inner secret of
all distaught minds , just to hold my defense intact to sustain my
repression of sexual impulse and lifelong yearning for a boyfriend.
The more i yearn for males, the more i feel anxious, the more my physical
activities suffers, the more i becomes incapable physically, the more i feel
inferior in sport, the more i yearn for recognition being a sporty
extrovert male, the more i admire my male peers, the more i feel sexually
attracted to them. This is the inner working of a viscious cycle sustaining
my anxiety upwelling in my psyche. To escape, the more diligently i study,
the more i get good grades, the more i attract my male peers into copying
my homework, the more positively reinforcing the whole process becomes.
Another vicious cycle is created. Both reinforce and support each other
along maladaptive routes of developing anxiety disorder, generalised and

2. social.
Below comes my present feeling in my mind:
'I hope that you become sporty so that you can hug me and let me
lean over your shoulders.' Obviously, to escape such
obsessive thoughts, i want to switch counsellor again to a female
one, due to transference.
To balance my positive love or warmth i feel for you, I need to
demean you (like u are an incompetent social worker as you not only
fail to alleviate my anxiety but enhance it instead.) Alternatively, i
need whatever derogatory labels to deride you so that i can tame the
beast (sexual impulse) inside. That is why I make in my mind a
Pandora's Box storing repressed thoughts for males festering for
eons! Your coming invites me to revisit my secret gardens, eulogized
in the name of whatever literay devices to keep the whole system
afloat and my mind functioning normally to cope with jobs etc. The
intellectualisation serves as rationalization to sit atop my pent-up
emotions so that i need watch whatever cues popping from my
unconsciousness are translated into unconscious actions, just to stay
in control or my sanity. I am on the brink of lunancy! I sense my
female sissiness surface (Me in secondary school). "Once it captures
my sanity (executive control), i wonder whether i can contain it or
not!"
Right now, my defense is weakening; the first stray thougth is "I
dare not tell my sporty male peers that i like them romatically
and sexually." Luckily, you are not a basketball player whom I like
most! The second thought is "I dare not tell straight males that i am
gay even though i have no fantansy towards them."
Another point is, "I dare not speak to you these facts or thoughts so
that i write to you in this email." That is why I scored an A in
HKCEE English writing but a D in oral, obviously due to the inner
working of the Pandora's Box.
I know that the counsellor will leave after brief contact with me but
what I experience is extreme anxiety to be experienced each time I
meet a new person. Is it better to reconcile my wants and desires
(my attributes) with another person so that mutual lifelong support
empowers me to lead my life onwards.
Or you may teach me how to lead an openly gay life in a straight
world so prevalent in homophobia.
Revealing in the aetiology of my anxiety disorder, I envision the
following points:
Gay must demean straight males to reduce their yearnings sexually
and romantically (balance); imbalance leads to split personality
pending integration; likewise, straight must demean gay to suppress

3. their own seuxal impulses towards gay. Discrimination against each
other is inevitable!
Gay-straight alliance seems a utopian dream as piloted in British
school curriculum. (political power)
Empowerment seems an illusion as long as the societal status quo
remains unchanged. Worse still, it serves as an excuse to pacify the
downtrodden gay in the name of providing resources to cater for the
need of the disadvantaged with the hidden agenda of keeping the
power elites in control of resources. Effecting social change is a farce!
Without such discrimination, what job can the mental health
professionals work?
I don't want to love you or tap into uncontrollable fantasy with you or
repeat some naive stupid rountines that i relished in my secondary
school days!
Shame steps in when intruding thoughts emerges and surfaces into
awareness, particulary intense in your presence!
Guilt complicates the situation when morality is concerned.
Anxiety triggers anger towards self, others, world and future.
I hope you can help me to address all my these concerns in coming few
sessions. Obviously, these are blindspots that I cannot cope no matter
how many times i thought over it! (fixation)
"SO, it is better to enjoy a good meal than to deal with it." My inner voice
is speaking to me again! (avoidance)
Cheers,
XXX
(Luckily, when i am alone, i am aware of all these and categories them
into different boxes in my mind so as to tame the beasts inside. Slay the
dragon before it feasts on me! hahah) Daily purging helps cleanse my
mind and keep my psyhe to stay afloat functioning!)
In retrospect, gay males are subsititues for straight males in my mind with
reason as shown below:
I yearn for manly gymfit men as my boyfriends or dream lovers but I
refuse to recognise that the development of gymfit manly guys
requires intense homophobia so that I desire the most desired guys
who despise me (the feminine part, aluminus) the most.
Gay refuse to disclose their personal particulars to other gay men
obviously because they fear that once their partners disclose and
discover their inner psyche filled with feminine fantasy, they will be
rejected by their partners in advance. To protect their self-worth,
they prefer the animal way to copulation. Journeying into inner self is
painful for both gay partners as they heed most despised parts to
themselves and others. To make self aware of the most despised
feminine part generates much anxiety whereas leaking into others’

4. awareness of our most despised parts drives others away.
Compartmentation into split selves is key for survival and becomes
unbearable until integration of split parts occurs after their
relinquishing their desire to find their dream me.
The most handsome cum gymfit males are 0. The more they yearn
for muscular straight-acting 1 but to no avail, the more they train up
their physique to attract 1 into having sex with them. In other
words, their yearning remains unsatisfied with faking 1 and drives
them endlessly for muscular bodies, hoping that their manly
appearance corresponds to their masculine mentality. Tragically, their
dream will never realise due to incoherent correspondence of body to
mind.