Non-violent

1. Non-violent Communication
Toolbox of Agile Practicioners
How to turn personal conflicts into trust and deeper
compassion
Ari-Pekka Lappi (@ilmirajat)
CC-BY Andrew Magill

2. After this presentation
everyone has at least 3
useful NVC tools they can
use in their everyday work.
NVC is a great framework, but
also difficult apply in practice.
My goal is to make it a natural
part of your agile toolbox.
• About me
• A real life story
• 7 NVC tools for agile
practitioners
• Discussion (limited time)
• After session: ~3 weird
advanced tools (ask!)

3. Who am I?
• Hybrid philosopher-engineer
• Developer, ScrumMaster, architect
• M.A. majoring theoretical
philosophy from Helsinki University
• Entrepreneur
• Big fan of functional
programming (F# and Clojure) -
and philosophy of Nietzsche
• There is surprisingly much
similarities between NVC and
Nietzsche’s philosophy
Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Atanas Botev.
Oil on canvas/collage 2004

4. Story

5. Once opon time there was a
developer, who had gotten an
opportunity to develop
awesome software with the
coolest available technologies
at that time.
CC-BY 2.0 JD Hancock

6. The first demo
Finally all the main pieces were there: Database, business logic,
services and service calls, UI...
There was still a lot of work to do, but nonetheless our developer
hero was satisfied and proud.
CC-BY 2.0 JD Hancock

7. UX specialist was
disappointed and angry
”This doesn’t look at all what it
should, and its not functioning as I
have planned.
There’s missing a lot of thing from
UI. And this is ugly.
I’m very disappointed!”
CC-BY 2.0 JD Hancock

8. What was the moment things turned awry?
My great plan is ruined.
They don’t respect me and
my work.
This is simply ugly!
The other person does not
understand but thinks only
her own narrow domain of
speciality.
She is undue and expects
too much from me!

9. Afterthoughts
This was a proof of concept for
the overall architecture. It makes
a lot of sense to validate that
before finalized UI.
In web site development it was
common at that time to start from
visual appearance and implement
backend stuff last.
CC-BY 2.0 JD Hancock

10. A solution?
Let’s educate each other and add information
Hasty, volatile
interpretation
”I was right! HAH!”
”I was wrong, sorry!”
Being right
become more
important
that the other
as a person

11. The conflict was mostly about…
• Valuation and respect
• Ownership and authority
• Value of own work
• Reputation and gratitude
It was more only little
about information per se.
CC-BY 2.0 Steve Evans; CC-BY-NC 2.0 Michael Kappel

12. Frustration #0:
This is insane!
I want to do cool stuff with competent and motivated people!
Why collaboration is so damn
hard every now and then?

13. Solution?
• Non-violent communication (NVC) is
psychological framework developed
by Marshall B. Rosenberg.
• It aims to:
• Improve our ability to listen and
understand the other
• Clearer and more accurate expression
of (own and other’s) needs and values

14. It was surprisingly hard
to make NVC work for me!
CC-BY 2.0 Alex Proimos

15. Tool #7: OFNR-loop
O
F
N
F
Observation without evaluation
Clearly expressed feelings
Needs and values
Actionable request
CC-BY 2.0 Lee Nachtigal

16. Tool #7: OFNR-loop – The basics
4. Requests
2. Feelings
Strongly influenced by:
- Needs & values
- Trust
- Opportunities
- All emotions
3. Need 1. Observation
2. Demand,
violence…
1. Feeling
Strongly influence by:
- Fear
- Unsafety (protection)
- Distrust
- Constraints
- Injustice & unfairness
1. Need 1. Observation
No clear distinction  Collision,
Danger of radiation sickness
Clear distinction  Connections,
Self-awareness

17. Lets add then another person to the picture…
4. Requests
2. Feelings
1. Observation 3. Need
2. Demand,
violence…
1. Feeling
1. Need 1. Observation

18. …and the actual communication loop
R
N N
O O
F
R
F

19. Tool #7: OFNR-loop as a whole
R O
O
N
N
F
R
F
D
F
N O
R
F
O N
D
F
N O
R
F
N O
Me You

20. There must be a shortcut!
It cannot be this complex!

21. Tool #7: OFNR-loop as a whole
R O
16 boxes (each enclosing a complex algoritm)
2 potentian nuclear blasts
A lot of asyncronous processing.
3 vague background workflows
Insanely thight schedule & presure
O
N
N
F
R
F
D
F
N O
R
F
O N
D
F
N O
R
F
N O
Me You

22. Frustration #1: Usability
As such NVC might be a bit
too complex to everyday life. CC-BY 2.0 Lee Nachtigal

23. R O
(Conflict  stress hormones
 negative impact verbal skills)
+ Framework that requires linguistic sensitivity
Bandwidth limits
O
N
N
F
R
F
D
F
N O
R
F
O N
D
F
N O
R
F
N O
Me You

24. (Conflict  stress hormones
R O
 usually negative impact to memory)
+ A lot to remember in overall
+ A framework to remember
Memory overflow
O
N
N
F
R
F
D
F
N O
R
F
O N
D
F
N O
R
F
N O
Me You

25. (Conflict  stress
R O
 negative impact to analytical thinking)
+ complex psychological framework
+ some problem solving
110% Processor
utilization
O
N
N
F
R
F
D
F
N O
R
F
O N
D
F
N O
R
F
N O
Me You

26. Frustration #2: Scale
Small conflicts are potentially as
devastating as big ones but in the
long run. Because they are small,
they are often ignored and let
unresolved.
”By the book NVC” is often
overkill.

27. R O
Good start but I need
something more
O
N
N
F
R
F
Tool #7: OFNR-loop
D
F
N O
R
F
O N
D
F
N O
R
F
N O
Me You

28. Tool #5: NVC templates
When/as <observation without evaluation> I
feel <clearly expressed feeling> because
<expression of need or value>.
OR
I-template
Do you feel <clearly expressed feeling>
because <observation without evaluation>
and because <expression of need or value>?
You-template

29. Tool #5a: I-Template
When/as <observation without evaluation>
I feel <clearly expressed feeling>
because <expression of need or value>.
“As you say “its’ not going to work” I feel annoyed and sad
because this idea really inspires me and in my opinion we
have not yet tried all options. I would like to use some time
in exploring other way to implement this.”

30. Tool #5a: You-template
Do you feel <clearly expressed feeling>
because <observation without evaluation>
and because <expression of need or value>?
”Do you feel angry and frustrated because the demo didn’t
look like what you expected to see at this phase of project
and because it’s important to you that you can be proud of
the solution we deliver to the customer?”

31. Frustration #1½: Usability
NVC has great potential, but
NVC may make you talk like a book.
CC-BY 2.0 Lee Nachtigal

32. Tool #3: NVC Canvas as a Kata – An observation
How systematically you have
practiced non-violence?
How systematically you’ve
been trained for violence (incl.
critical attitudes, blame,
judgement, resentment,
martyrdom…)?

33. Prepare! Pratice!
It takes thousands of repetitions to
learn technically correct right jab.
Why would non-violence be any easier?

34. Tool #3: NVC Canvas as a Kata
4. Possible requests (person A) 4. Possible requests (person B)
3. Needs (A) 2. Feelings (A) 1. Observations 2. Feelings (B) 3. Needs (B)
Clues (A & B)

35. Tool #3: NVC Canvas as a Kata - in action
4. Possible requests (Developer) 4. Possible requests (UX Specialist)
3. Needs (A) 2. Feelings (A) 1. Observations 2. Feelings (B) 3. Needs (B)
Clues (A & B)
UX specialist said this is ugly
and asked are you going to
follow my plan
Developer wanted to demo
a “successful” PoC of new
technology
Angry
Dissatisfied
Confused?
Confused
Proud (in the
beginning)
Frustrated
Appreciation &
respect
Appreciation &
respect
Valuation of own
work
Relatedness
Reputation
Would you like to help me to tweak details in UI when
We have a bit more finalized version of it?
I feel confused because this demo was not what I expected.
I want you to clarify what is happening and are you
going to follow my plan?
Business unit director and many other persons with high status attended the demo

36. Tool #3: NVC Canvas as a Kata – Getting started
Kata A:
Employees don’t trust managers.
Management don’t trust
employees.
Kata B:
A manager tries to do his/her best
to improved things. Employees still
keep on complaining.
Kata C:
I person in team don’t like agile
patterns and practices and refuse
to participate.

37. Frustration #3: Focus
Conflicts are not the point in NVC.
The goal is to get beyond conflicts,
toward win-win-mindset
CC-BY 2.0 Ada Be

38. Frustration #3: Focus
You don’t want to resolve conflicts!
You want a better community!
You want to achieve your goals!
CC-BY 2.0 Ada Be

39. Tool #1: Attend to folks’ needs!*
Dev UX
* Antimatter principle by Bob Marshall
”This does not look what is
should look like! This is ugly!”

40. Tool #1: Attend to folks’ needs!*
R O
”This does not look what is should
look like! This is ugly!”
Dev UX
O
N
N
F
R
F
D
F
N O
R
F
KEEP IT SIMPLE
O N
D
F
N O
R
F
N O
* Antimatter principle by Bob Marshall

41. Tool #1: Attend to folks’ needs!*
R O
”This does not look what is should
look like! This is ugly!”
Dev UX
O
N
N
F
R
F
D
F
N O
R
F
START HERE
O N
D
F
N O
O
R
F
N N
* Antimatter principle by Bob Marshall

42. Tool #1: Attend to folks’ needs!*
Dev UX
Why she feels angry?
What is important for her?
* Antimatter principle by Bob Marshall
”This does not look what is
should look like! This is ugly!”

43. Tool #1: Attend to folks’ needs!*
”This does not look what is should
look like! This is ugly!”
R O
Dev UX
O
N
N
F
R
F
D
F
N O
R
F
LEVEL UP!
O N
D
F
N O
O
R
F
N N
* Antimatter principle by Bob Marshall

44. Using ”Attend to folks’ needs”
in non-conflict situation
• Problem:
• Sharing information is very important, but not the most important
• Time is the most scarce resource
• How to use time in meetings in optimal way?
• Solution:
An agenda
item by X
How to fulfil X’s
needs? Why
discussion is
important…?
Discussion
Did everyone
got what they
needed?

45. Tool #2:Who-what distinction
”Mice are ugly!” ”An elephant thinks that mice are ugly”
Vs.

46. Tool #2: Who-what distinction
”Dear Elephant!
Your claim that mice are ugly is
completely absurd! What is wrong
with you?
Mice are tasty and good for playing!
Best regards,
Cat”

47. Tool #2: Who-what distinction
”UI is simply ugly!” ”An UX specialist thinks that UI is ugly.”
Vs.
Reality

48. Tool #2 Who-what distinction
Bad feedback is injustified
criticism
I’m good
in this
Feedback
I suck
Feedback
sucks
Bad feedback is a learning puzzle
I’m good
in this
Feedback
I learn!
An alien
mindset

49. Tool #4: Yoda Principle
Do a change in the system or do not.
There is no try! CC-BY 2.0 angelo - Yoda Franklin Institute Museum, Phialdelphia

50. ’Try’ smells…
• Obsession
• Fear
• Dishonesty
• Denial of
ignorance
• Dismissal of
discussion
© A. Lipson 2003 http://www.andrewlipson.com/escher/relativity.html

51. Proposal
Won’t Try Will
Didn’t
It’s
complicated
Did
Actionable, Proposal
clear &
real options
Request
Won’t Will
Didn’t Did
Complex, slow and nasty Simple, painfully honest and straightforward

52. Actionable, clear & real options
No real options! 
“I want you to stop drinking”
Real options 
“I want you to tell me what needs
of you are met by drinking and
discuss other ways to meet those
needs.”

53. Actionable, clear & real options
No real options! 
“I want you feel free to express
yourself around me.”
Real options 
“I like you to tell me what I might
do to make it easier for you to feel
free to express yourself.”
CC-BY 2.0 Jessica Flavin

54. Actionable, clear & real options
No real options! 
“Lets try this-and-that, because
we have to do something…”
Real options 
”I don’t know what to do. The only
option I see is this-and-that. Doing
nothing is not a real option. Shall we
experiment this or do you have
other options?
CC-BY-SA 3.0 Sven Dirks

55. Proposal • Only real options
Request
Tool #4: Yoda Principle
Won’t Will
Didn’t Did
• ”Try” smells a failure
• ”Try” may postpone a
resolution to problems
Do a change in the system
Or do not
There is no try

56. Tool #6: Language smells
• Identify violent “Jackal’s language”
• Absolutes: Always, never, all the time,
necessity, no options
• Judgemental language: right, wrong,
evil…
• Vague expression (e.g. “I feel like a
failure…”)
• Feelings white list
• Etc.
• Worked only partially for me
Lucas van Valckenborch (1535 or later–1597)

57. NVC Toolbox for Agile Practitioners
Tool #1: Attend to folks’ need! (i.e. Antimatter principle)
Tool #2: Who-what distinction
Tool #3: NVC canvas as a kata
Tool #4: Yoda principle
Tool #5: NVC templates (I-version and You-version)
May work for you (did not work for me):
Tool #6: Language smells
Tool #7: OFNR-loops

58. Tool #1: Attend to folks’ needs!
It’s not hard.
(1) Stop. (2) Identify the needs. (3) Address them.
CC 2.0 BY-SA Adriagarcia - Superman @ Saló del Cómic

59. Tool #2: Who-what distinction
Observation = Observer + Observed

60. Tool #3: NVC canvas as a Kata
Prepare! Practice!

61. Tool #4: Yoda Principle
Embrace ”YES” and embrace ”NO”
It’s “TRY” that hurts you most!
CC-BY 2.0 angelo

62. Tool #5: NVC templates (I- and You-template)
My feelings and needs.
Your feelings and needs?
CC 2.0 BY José Luis Mieza - Lovers of Teruel

63. Tool #6: Language smells
Words without empathy are empty,
empathy without concepts is blind.
Lucas van Valckenborch (1535 or later–1597)

64. Tool #7: OFNR-loop
“Ill seen, ill said” –Beckett
CC-BY 2.0 aussiegall

65. Build-Measure-Learn
Was there at least 3 NVC tools you find
useful in your work and for your
organization?

66. NVC Toolbox for Agile Practitioners
Tool #1: Attend to folks’ need! (i.e. Antimatter principle)
Tool #2: Who-what distinction
Tool #3: NVC canvas as a kata
Tool #4: Yoda principle
Tool #5: NVC templates (I-version and You-version)
Tool #6: Language smells
Tool #7: OFNR-loops

67. Thank You!  Discussion
Twitter: @ilmirajat
Version 1.0 of NVC Canvas:
http://outofscopeexception.wordpress.com/2014/05/17/canvas-for-nonviolent-communication/