Calling to report what happened is one of the more difficult things we have to face in grief. As if grief is not bad enough - calling just makes the painful just that much more.

1. Calling.
From Volume 3 - Essay #17
Written Wednesday, November 6, 2019 / Day 86 / Morning

2. Of all the awful elements that are a part
of the world of grief, there is one
that is particularly difficult.
There is no way around the task.
It is just as inevitable as the moment that
brought you into the world of grief.

3. Calling to report what happened.

4. For me, it is distasteful
in so many ways.

5. One of the most distressing is having to
talk about the most destructive, gut-
wrenching and debilitating event in your
life to a rather clerical person.

6. It’s not their fault, I know.
They are just doing their job.
But the job is rather sterile.

7. Rather clerical.
Rather procedural.
And there you are trying to compose
yourself as you
tick through the data that
relates to the situation.

8. Getting the courage to make the call
is one thing. I am amused at myself
that I thought I would be
able to do this sooner.
In my case, with my unique situation -
doing this any earlier than today was
just unthinkable.

9. So when the moment finally
comes and you are resolved
to take action - there is the
next hurdle you have to face.

10. Making the actual call.

11. These days your call is received by an
automated system.
There you have to listen to the options
and make your choice.
Once there - the next obstacle
presents itself.

12. Music on hold.

13. Here you must listen to some generic -
often bouncy little pieces of music.
Mine was a mix of bouncy music,
followed by some stylized
classical items most likely
to try to keep you awake.

14. In my case, while on hold, I am in full
anticipation mode. Awaiting the moment
when I have to launch my dialog.

15. Oh good, a pause in the music,
here we go.
No, the music just shifted
to another selection.
And there we sit.

16. Sitting in a nether-world of
pent-up emotions awaiting
our moment to step out on
the stage to state the
reason why we are calling.

17. That is the beginning
of the difficulty.

18. Finally, a person, here we go.

19. “… I’d like … to report
… a death …”.

20. Stinging words at one level,
verbalization of the thoughts that
you have been struggling with.
There they go.
They are out.

21. Then we go through the
details of the call.
What I need to do.
What they are doing.

22. It all went well. I had not had
to make too many of these
calls - this was the first.

23. There is an additional call I will
have to make. But I think that
will be on tomorrows agenda.

24. For all we have to deal with in
grief, the majority of it
is in our heads.
We struggle every day
with whatever we
are struggling with.

25. At this stage of the timeline
- the immediate
conversations about
our situation have
long been over.

26. We are in the
“How are you doing?”
portion of the program.
It is a project in itself - to
communicate that information.

27. But to have to call, that takes
you back to ground zero.

28. When was the date of
death? - they ask.

29. And there you go - right
back to it.

30. But not for long.
I refuse to stay there if I’m
forced to repeat the date.

31. No I will not allow that to
make me sad.
There’s enough here in the
present date to do that.

32. The only good thing is that I
will not have to make too
many more calls.

33. I want to leave that time
and deal with where
I am at the present time.

34. Just a few more calls
and then I’ll be done.

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From Facing Grief - The Essays — Volume 3 - Essay #17

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