Art of Listening Page 1Esateys: Hey, hey, hey. Hi everyone, this is Esateys and here we are on Day 12, “The Art ofListening.” How many of you would love to learn a massive tool to help you create success inevery single area of your life? And, how many of you are willing to use these tools to changeeverything in your business and in your personal relationships?YESTERDAY: One thing I know, for sure, is they‟re not going to work if you don‟t use them,which bring us back to yesterday, Day 11 when we spoke about “Scripting.” Did you write yourscript last night? Did you start reading it?I‟m not here to bring you to a place of feeling guilty, but I‟m here to bring you to a state ofaccountability. I‟m here to bring you to a state of mastery in your life. You came to this coursebecause you said you wanted something to occur that was different than what it is that you had.So I am going to constantly be asking you about how accountable you are being.And, your accountability or not accountability, and your excuses and your non-excuses are goingto be the answers to your priority-less. It doesn‟t make it good/bad, right or wrong. Remember,one of the main core learnings in this entire program is about having awareness. And thenmaking choices with your awareness about what direction you choose to go with what it is thatyou see.Today’s Lesson: So, let‟s talk about the “Art of Listening.” This is such a powerful tool. Bynature, people either want to like speak and roll in or they‟re shy and they are inward and theydon‟t speak very much, at all.See, we don‟t usually have a lot of awareness about what we are even saying and we have littleawareness, most of the time, about what‟s happening with the other person. This is just ingeneral communication. Most, everyone is living in their own little world. They don‟t really paya lot of attention to what is going on over there, if you will.And, for the people who are very, very chatty they just keep on speaking and speaking. And, Iam seeing this more and more every single day, not just in business but in my personal life,people that I interact with. You can‟t even get a word edgewise. People are just like so engagedin wanting to speak, speak, speak and talk, talk, talk and they don‟t even know that you are there.In fact, you wouldn‟t even need to be there actually, most of the time.Rafael, my husband and I went to India several times, actually. And, we were in silence one ofthe times that we went for three full weeks. This was an experience that changed everything forus.When you can‟t speak, you start to listen not just to those that are speaking around you but youalso start to listen to what‟s going on inside of you. Our society is a data overload society.Anyone who can do the most and the fastest is the winner. We are not encouraged to be still andlisten or even be present.
Art of Listening Page 2Most trainings that you hear out there in the world are on how to speak and much less on how tolisten. You can find lots and lots of courses on how to be a better speaker. You don‟t find quiteso many on how to be a better listener, because listening takes being present with yourself and ittakes being present with the other person.If you want your business to succeed, if you want your life to succeed, you are going to have tohave a true sense of caring inside of you. Being present and really listening is a sign of caring. Ifyou want more people to feel good around you, you must become a great listener.Communication was not meant to be a one way event. When you are attentive, we actually hearwhat the other person is saying, instead of using that time where they are speaking and they arejust going like crazy and you are over here thinking, “Okay, I‟m going to respond with this. I cansay this. Oh, you know that, that‟s right. I can say this.”And the truth is you don‟t even really have much of a clue of what it is that they‟re saying. Whatusually happens is we kind of come back into our body in about the less sentence or so and wepick up from there and we acknowledge or not, and we immediately go into our own dissertationabout how it is that we want them to hear what it is that we have people and lives, what‟s goingon.Communication was never meant to be a one way event. When we are attentive we actually hearwhat the other person is saying, instead of using the time that they are chatting to think about,“Okay, this is what I‟ve got to say to them. Oh, I remember this. I can fill that in there too.” And,you are having your own dialog with yourself. It‟s really quite comical when you become awareenough to observe this, and then you kind of tap in, and in about the sentence or two. And thenyou pickup and you start dumping everything that you want to say without them ever knowing,perhaps, that you weren‟t even present to what it is that you were saying.Have you ever spoken with someone and they actually respond to you with something that hadnothing to do with what it is that you just said? I have that happen all the time with people. It‟spretty interesting. You can be talking to somebody on the phone and you know that they areworking on their email or working on their computer and they go, “Uh, yeah. I got it, mhm.”And then you ask them a question and it‟s an actual question. You might say, “When is the lasttime you went to the movie” and they say, “You know, I felt that same way too. You are right. Iam so glad that you shared that with me.” Hello, not even on the same page. Maybe not even onthe same level of awareness, of course not.We have this idea that communication is just about getting what we want out and over there, butthe idea is to have an exchange, a cohesive inner change that is relative to what someone isexpressing to you. That means you have to listen to them. That‟s a concept, isn‟t it?
Art of Listening Page 3I am going to give you an example. Husband comes home from work. He‟s had a really hardday at work. He worked hard. He worked hard. He had all these things occur and he just reallywants to express.Now, what‟s exciting about this is that many men want to come home and go under their caveand forget about expressing. So from one perspective, this is like a really awesome thing. Mostwomen are looking for their men to be expressive and to share.But on this day, your husband comes home and he just starts ranting and raving and dumping andtelling you exactly what happened. And his boss criticized this and this person quit, and twopeople in his team made mistakes that were really, really awful and he goes on and on. And youare sitting there just taking a lot of deep breaths, because what he doesn‟t realize is that you justgot back from the emergency room with your son, who had fallen off of his bike and had to havea couple of stitches and you left your cell phone at home and couldn‟t even call him.So you swooped up your son, threw him in the car, ran to the hospital having no way tocommunicate with him. So, he doesn‟t even know what‟s happened. Did he stop for a minutewhen he walked in the door and said, “Hi honey? How was your day?” or any of that kind ofstuff or even looked at you so he would see that you had been in such stress. Or, even notice thathis son was sitting there with a major patch all across his arm where he lacerated his whole armwhen he fell off of his bike. He didn‟t notice those things. Just came in the door with his ownagenda, “Oh my God. My boss did this. The people quit or this whole report that I did got lost onthe internet and I don‟t know what happened to that. And I don‟t know how this is going tohappen.”And after a few minutes, he pauses and he looks at you as you have tears coming down your faceand he says, “What‟s the problem? I am just telling you how my day was. I‟m a little upsetbecause I had this happen and this happen and this happen” and the tears start coming even morestrongly. And he‟s going, “What the heck? I come home and I am just trying to share with youand you are sitting there.” And you put your hand up like, stop, like just stop. And he goes,“Okay, what is it? What‟s going on? And then you proceed to tell him what it is that‟s going onwith you.Wow! Does he feel bad? Does he realize that he better have listened to that self talk tape that wejust talked about a few days ago, because now he‟s got all kinds of programs going on withhimself? His lack of presence to his environment, to the person that he was connecting with, tohis son, is screaming very loudly in his face and he has the awareness now that there wassomething that he really missed here.People, this is not a rare occurrence. You know, as I am speaking to you right now, that yourmind is probably already gone back and thought of two or three incidences where you feltunheard, not present, invisible. This is common.
Art of Listening Page 4And when you recognize that you have not been a good listener, and you recognize that had youbeen present when you walked in the room, you walked in the house, you recognize that thedepth of your relationship would have increased by 1000 fold had you been there to have aninterchange instead of an unload.See, this story really underscores something very profound in our present age. Transactions arehappening in milliseconds, be that the loading of a webpage, response from an ATM machine,text messages, responding to emails, staying in touch by using your Smartphone, or like havingsome whatever impact on human consciousness and patience. Do you think that could behappening?Well, hello? As soon as the email hits your inbox it‟s sealed with this innuendic expectation ofgetting a prompt reply back. But, I think this is even more so with text messaging. On my phoneI have a little (whistle), gives a little whistle that tells me there is a text. I mean, I find myself likerunning to the phone or going to the phone immediately to find out, what was that? Who‟s gotsomething to say? My emails have actually decreased tremendously because now I am texting allthe time.So, we are caught up in a very, very intense technological era. And technological advances arenot bad. In fact, I really love my technology. I love having the latest and greatest. Ask myhusband about that. He knows what it is that I would like to have next in the technologicalindustry.So, they‟ve got a really great upside. But they also have robbed us of our time, of our awareness,of our presence, of our time to think, time to contemplate, time to cogitate, to plan, but they don‟tgive us time to listen. The value of really stopping and being with the person who is speakingwill change everything. It helps build and nature relationships tremendously. All we need to feelthat we‟re being heard and understood comes from a place of listening. It‟s a human basic needthat is primary, a need as having as much food and water and air to survive, that‟s how intenseand that‟s how important it is.It‟s important that we slow down. There is a reason that for years we have lost our ability tolisten because for one thing, it feels too passive and we are in a very, very doing part of life. Likethe opposite of action. It‟s much faster to move into a decision based decision, a decision basedinformation instantly coming up with something.But when we do that we miss important considerations and we sacrifice the opportunity to reallyconnect. We don‟t make very many phone calls now. We email or we text. We don‟t here eachother‟s voices very much. We don‟t do things in person like we used to. Understand that as youbegin to change your listening style to a more empathic one, to a more connected one that youmight actually feel inefficient.
Art of Listening Page 5See, it takes time to truly here someone and replay the essence of their thoughts back to them, soboth parties are clear on what was being said. The payback is dramatic, but it comes over thelong run.Remember the words that that ancient Greek philosopher said, that are going to really helpimprove your listening skills. Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so that we could heartwice as much as we speak, since listening is as important as speaking in the communicationprocess. And, you know you want to improve your relationships in your business and in yourpersonal relationships then you‟ve got to practice these ideas.Exercise active listening skills. Ask more questions. One powerful tool is to give feedback orparaphrase what you‟ve heard. Are you saying such and such? What I heard you say is this. Isthat what you meant? Stay present; ask a question of interest to demonstrate that you are reallylistening to what‟s being said.And just an occasional, I hear you or acknowledgment will be helpful. Sometimes when you arelistening quietly people will think you are not there, especially if you are on the phone. So, it‟sreally good to utter, like some guttural sound now and then. It‟s not about just being polite, it‟sabout being engaged and then become aware of your own personal filters and your triggers.When you recognize that when you hear somebody say something that doesn‟t match your beliefsystem, how you want to shut down or how you want to have a rhetorical answer or a real,sometimes even vicious answer that comes forward inside your head. See, these programs, theseinner programs that we have our belief systems come up and interfere with our ability to reallyhear people, especially if we are hearing something that we “don‟t like.”So, here are some powerful tools to implement, if you would like to create a better business life,a better personal relationship and just an overall life that feels better, a connected life. And,remember that these things will increase your credibility, which is very, very critical in yourbusiness world.If you desire to increase your income, you are going to really, really want to be incorporating thistool profoundly in your life. So as you listen, remain open to what you are hearing and withholdany evaluation or judgment. And, if you do evaluate and judge just notice and observe it butdon‟t act on it. Become aware of what your own personal triggers are in the communicationprocess that shuts down your listening.Observe your own and other people‟s listening habits. Ask yourself what it feels like whensomebody really listens to you and what does it feel like when they don‟t? Make a list of anybehaviors that you find irritating in the listening habits of other people and then examine yourown listening behavior. It‟s kind of interesting that you might just be exhibiting some of thebehaviors that you find annoying in someone else.
Art of Listening Page 6I have a friend, actually, who just shared with me a bit ago that she had this major “aha” occur.She was speaking to someone who was just rambling on and rambling on and not listening toanything that was being experienced over on her side. And she recognized all of a sudden, “Ohmy gosh. I do that. I just start talking and talking. I don‟t leave a pause for somebody to get aword in edgewise.” And she was able to see dramatically how this other person was doing it andit was really exciting for her to recognize that.Start to observe that in yourself. Create a checklist of habits you want to change. And, alsoacknowledge yourself for listening habits that you have that don‟t work for you. And, if you areinterrupting, you are not listening. When you interrupt, you have all of the focus on yourself andlittle or none on the person speaking.This really can create a huge level of separation with that person and then implies that you arenot present, well, it‟s because you weren‟t. And, start to listen without formulating a response tothe speaker. As listeners, we think about 500 words a minute, while the normal speaking rate isabout 125 to maybe 150 words a minute. That creates a whole lot of empty room forcommunication to break down and your mind to just wander away.It„s one of the reasons that I speak very quickly, although, that‟s not a conscious thing. I speakvery quickly because my mind has a very active piece. But, I also know unconsciously that whenI‟m speaking very quickly, you have to stay more present than if I am just slowly ramblingalong.Do your very best to hear everything that‟s being said and listen to the entire message and thenrespond. Do not react, respond but the temptation is to fill in the extra space with your ownthoughts and your own responses to what‟s been said. You do this in your own mind before youeven have a chance to speak it out loud. You‟ve got all of your responses handled and the currentconversation is going to go on without you even being there with it.Learn to listen with empathy. This means that you are in touch with how they feel and how youfeel about how they feel. This builds respect. And this doesn‟t mean that you have to agree orlavish people with some false compliments or give them fix-it advice, it‟s not what I am sayingat all.Sometimes, it‟s very frustrating for a person who is just sharing what they feel and then we stepin and we try to fix it. All they really wanted to do was just speak what was on their mind, so itcan be released. This means that you‟ve got to be conscious. It means that you„ve got to be awareof what that person reads, what that person needs right here, right now. And, if you are making apresentation then listen to what‟s being said there, too. And, if you are in the presence ofsomeone become aware of the speaker‟s non-verbal communication.Now, this is a little hard to do if you are on the phone but if you are with somebody in person,remember that 75% of all communication is non-verbal. Beyond the words there is a host of
Art of Listening Page 7clues about what is happening in the communication arena. Is the speaker‟s posture really rigid,or is it relaxed? Does the speaker maintain eye contact? Does that person have a vocal tone thatmatches the words that they are using? Are the movements tensed or relaxed?If you are on the phone with someone, listen to what‟s happening. Are there long silences on theother end like they are not present? Are there children crying in the background, or is someoneelse speaking to them and you know they are not listening to you? Be sure to ask, if this is a goodtime to connect with them. It will clean up the conversation and the relationship profoundly.And be sure you are not multi-tasking when you are speaking to someone, especially aboutbusiness, ideally, never when you are speaking with someone. And, I know this can be veryinteresting because I am a multi-tasking queen. But, when I‟m really present with someone,things are different in my communication.So, this means that you create your communication environment for one that is really, reallypowerfully able to support you in being present. Remove your distractions. These are powerfultools that are going to help you make a difference in every single one of your relationships. It‟sgoing to make a difference in your experience at your work. And this self awareness and beingpresent is what‟s going to make you a real star in your personal relationships and in yourbusiness, every single area of your life. Because when you have self awareness you are reallyable to practice the art of listening.So today, go out and practice your new exciting tool and watch how good it feels when youactually pause, when you listen, when you are present and when you hear what others are saying.If you use this tool with great passion, you are going to find that you are going to increase yourself-esteem, you are going to increase the self-esteem of others, you are going to create moreconnected relationships, better credibility, increase trust and a much deeper heart connectionwith everyone that you know.I‟m excited for you as I‟m excited for myself, because as I speak these words, of course I get tohear them which means that I get to do better at this myself. Thanks for giving me theopportunity to really take myself to a new level today.This is a powerful day. Go out and listen to how powerful it really is.[Music]