1. 1
CONTINUED
INT. LOCAL VILLAGE CHURCH - DAY
Families and friends, some crying are walking down the aisle
dressed all in black taking their seats to begin the funeral.
After everyone is seated FATHER O'NEIL enters from the aisle
still dressing himself while walking towards the altar, he
then falls over walking down the aisle but quickly springs
back up making his way to the altar.
FATHER O'NEIL
Bollocks! That killed.
Father O'Neil walks past the open casket and takes a quick
glance.
FATHER O'NEIL
(Murmuring)
Ya'alright.
Finally Father O'Neil gets behind the altar, he then reaches
underneath the altar and pulls out a small flask of whiskey
and takes a quick swig. Father O'Neil then lets out a loud
burp that echoes through the church.
FATHER O'NEIL
Love the acoustics in this
church, just wanna say as
well, the Greyhound pub
last night was crazy! so
anyway we are gathered here
today to celebrate the life
of... erm... Sa-.. no err
Pe-... erm.. he looks like
a Derek so I'll go with
that. So we are gather-
DARRELL father of the boy in the casket stands up out of his
seat aggressively pointing at the priest.
DARRELL
Hey! His names Liam!
FATHER O'NEIL

2. 2
CONTINUED
Alright mate chill, I made
a mistake we're all human
here, yeah!
Darrell slowly sits back down in his seat eyes locked on
Father O'Neil.
FATHER O'NEIL
Sorry about that
interruption we had there
folks, but we seem to have
some inconsiderate people
that don't have respect for
the dead!
Father O'Neil stares at Darrell, and Darrell stares right back
at him.
FATHER O'NEIL
Anyway we will now listen
to one of Matthew's
favourite songs in memory
of his happiness.
Darrell shakes his head after Father O'Neil fails to remember
his son's name once again. Father O'Neil then presses the play
button on a small remote control. HEAVY DANCE MUSIC is then
played loudly through the speakers. Father O'Neil then starts
to repeatedly press multiple buttons to try and stop the loud
noise, eventually Father O'Neil runs over to the music player
and pours holy water on the music player, the music then stops
playing.
FATHER O'NEIL
Shit! Was that the holy
water? Never mind.
Father O'Neil then walks back to the altar and pulls a card
out from his robe and begins to read through it.
FATHER O'NEIL
Thank you for listening,
that was Tracy Chapman Fast
Car, one of Liam's
favourite songs.

3. 3
CONTINUED
All of the families look disgusted and annoyed with Father
O'Neil.
FATHER O'NEIL
So let's move on to some
speeches and get this thing
over and done with. Darrell
since you always have
something to say why don't
you start us off?
Darrell stands up and makes his way to the altar, while Father
O'Neil lights a cigarette and is sitting down with a shot
glass and a bottle of vodka next to the casket.
DARRELL
What the hell do you think
you're doing Father? is
this really appropriate
after all the destruction
you caused to my sons
funeral anyway?!
FATHER O'NEIL
Can a guy not have a drink
and light a cigarette in
peace? Jesus Christ!
Father O'Neil then puts the cigarette out on the edge of the
casket purposely looking at Darrell to make sure he doesn't
see him do it and takes one last shot before placing the
bottle of vodka in the casket.
DARRELL
Well I'd like to thank
everyone for coming today
to celebrate the life of my
son Liam.
Darrell and the crowd begin to start tearing up and becoming
upset.
DARRELL

4. 4
CONTINUED
Liam was such a handsome
smart boy that had such a
bright future, he never did
anything wrong and this
should never have happen-
Father O'Neil is sat back in his chair SNORING VERY LOUDLY
filling the church with his LOUD DISTURBING SNORING.
DARRELL
Father! Right I've had it!
Darrell runs from the altar directly towards Father O'Neil and
picks him up out of his chair by the collar of his robes.
DARRELL
I've had enough of your shit today.
Father O'Neil then wakes up and vomits all over Darrell and
inside the open casket. Darrell then drops him and steps back
covered in Father O'Neil's vomit. Father O'Neil then looks at
the open casket.
FATHER O'NEIL
Oh dear...
Father O'Neil falls unconscious and falls in to the casket.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
EXT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
The warehouse is surrounded by three police cars with the
sound of police SIRENS in the background.
INT. Warehouse
A MASKED MAN in a dark jacket is holding a WOMAN hostage at
gunpoint. 3 cops then burst in to the room with pistols aimed
at masked man.
COP 1
Let her go!
MASKED MAN

5. 5
CONTINUED
No!
COP 1 lowers his gun while the other two cops are still in
aiming position.
COP 1
Pretty please let her go,
it's our first day give us
a break.
MASKED MAN
I'm not letting her go!
COP 2
What about if I gave you
these?
COP 2 pulls out packet of Skuttles and places them on the
floor and slides them across the ground slowly.
MASKED MAN
Are you crazy?!
COP 3
What about these?
COP 3 then slides a packet of Monstrels across the floor.
MASKED MAN
Well Minstrels are my
favourite.
The Masked man reaches down and picks up the Minstrels and
puts them in his pocket, the cops all start to aim at the
masked man again.
COP 1
Now hand her over!
MASKED MAN
No, not just for a packet
of Minstrels.
COP 3
You sick fuck!

6. 6
CONTINUED
Cop 3 attempts to run and tackle the masked man, but Cop 2
holds him back, Cop 2 struggles to hold Cop 3 in his grip.
COP 2
Stand your ground! It's
what he wants!
COP 1
You'll pay for what you've
done.
Cop 3 falls to the floor in tears with his head in his hands.
COP 3
Those were for my lunch
break!
Cop 2 places his hand on Cop 3's shoulder.
COP 2
Hey come on, we'll get
through this alright, we'll
get back to the station and
get you some Meltesers or
something.
Cop 3 stands up walking to the window of the warehouse.
COP 3
I can't do it! I can't
fucking do it anymore! What
is my life!
The Masked Man and hostage woman look very confused at each
other, Cop 1 and 2 both go over to Cop 3 to calm him down.
COP 3
You can't replace Minstrels
with Maltesers you just
can't!
COP 1
What about a Choc Chat?
Cop 3 turns and looks at Cop 1 with a blank expression, while
Cop 2 is facing the other way.
COP 2

7. 7
CONTINUED
Hey, where'd he go?
All the cops turn to where the masked man was stood but he
isn't there, and neither is the hostage woman.
FADE OUT