Confrontation in Relationships Thoughts from book,  How to Have that Difficult Conversation You've been Avoiding   By Drs....
Terminology <ul><li>Confront:  Comes from the Latin meaning to turn one's face toward something or someone. </li></ul><ul>...
Confront <ul><li> Counsel (pagpayuhan/ bagbagaan)  </li></ul><ul><li> Correct (itama ang asal/ tarimaanen ti  </li></u...
Boundaries: defining who we are <ul><li>What I want and what I don't want </li></ul><ul><li>What I am for and what I am ag...
Situations Where We Need to Set Boundaries <ul><li>Dealing with a difficult person in a relationship (abuser, manipulator,...
When Might Confrontation  Be Helpful <ul><li>To Preserve love  Prov. 27:6 </li></ul><ul><li>To Resolve alienation (bring d...
What are Some Reasons Some Don't Confront? <ul><li>I don't know how to do it right </li></ul><ul><li>I fear failure or rep...
Confrontation is About Reconciliation <ul><li>It is NOT about Forgiveness </li></ul><ul><li>Forgiveness  has to do with th...
Confrontation is About Reconciliation <ul><li>Reconciliation is different from Forgiveness </li></ul><ul><li>Reconciliatio...
Confrontation is About Reconciliation <ul><li>Trust is unrelated to forgiveness and reconciliation </li></ul><ul><li>Trust...
When Might Confrontation  Be Helpful <ul><li>To Create growth (especially with children... growth comes from experiencing ...
Essentials:  Be emotionally present and connected <ul><li>Be warm and available to the other person  </li></ul><ul><li>Con...
Essentials:  Clarify the Problem <ul><li>Clarify the nature of the problem.  Specifics and observations </li></ul><ul><li>...
Essentials:  Be careful about the use of “You” and “I” <ul><li>For example:  “You need to change” really means “I need for...
Essentials:  Stay on Task <ul><li>Be specific and clear </li></ul><ul><li>Expect:  </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Defensiveness </l...
Essentials:  Remember Humility <ul><li>Balance grace and truth </li></ul><ul><li>Affirm and validate </li></ul><ul><li>Apo...
Essentials:  Attitudes <ul><li> Unselfish (in motive) </li></ul><ul><li> Desire for win-win result </li></ul><ul><li>...
Confrontation Guidelines <ul><li>1. Confront ASAP </li></ul><ul><li>2. Separate the person from their actions </li></ul><u...
Confrontation Guidelines <ul><li>7.  Avoid words like ‘always’ and  ‘never’ </li></ul><ul><li>8.  Express feelings </li></...
A.I.R. Method of Confronting <ul><li>Step 1.  Awareness (may kaalaman/ ammo) </li></ul><ul><li>Step 2.  Impact/ Consequenc...
But What If You Are Receiving the Confrontation? <ul><li>Confrontation done in a loving and gentle manner yields a positiv...
10 Biblical Ways to Defuse Attack When Confrontation Goes Awry <ul><li>1. Keep Silent  (Isaiah 53:7) </li></ul><ul><li>2. ...
10 Biblical Ways to Defuse Attack When Confrontation Goes Awry <ul><li>6. Give caring feedback  (I Peter 3:9) </li></ul><u...
4 Rs of Forgiveness and Repentance <ul><li> Take RESPONSIBILITY </li></ul><ul><li> Demonstrate REMORSE/REGRET </li></u...
References <ul><li>   Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. “How to Have that Difficult Conversation You've been Avoiding... Wi...
How to Have that Difficult Conversation You've been Avoiding Thoughts from book of the same name By Drs. Henry Cloud and J...
Confrontation in relationships
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Confrontation in relationships

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Look at confrontation, especially from a Christian Perspective. Focus on maintaining or restoring relationships.

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Confrontation in relationships

  1. 1. Confrontation in Relationships Thoughts from book, How to Have that Difficult Conversation You've been Avoiding By Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend and other sources Presented by Bob and Celia Munson, Bukal Life Care & Counseling Center
  2. 2. Terminology <ul><li>Confront: Comes from the Latin meaning to turn one's face toward something or someone. </li></ul><ul><li>Boundary: “Your personal property line”-- who you are, where you end, and others begin. </li></ul><ul><li>Confrontation: Set a boundary that works when one is honest and when one establishes a consequence for another's hurtful actions. </li></ul>
  3. 3. Confront <ul><li> Counsel (pagpayuhan/ bagbagaan) </li></ul><ul><li> Correct (itama ang asal/ tarimaanen ti </li></ul><ul><li>tignay) </li></ul><ul><li> Advise (pagpayuhan/ paligmaanan) </li></ul><ul><li> Admonish/reprove (pagsabihan/ </li></ul><ul><li>babalawen) </li></ul><ul><li> Rebuke (isisi/ pabasolen) </li></ul><ul><li> Discipline (disciplinahin/ surwan) </li></ul>
  4. 4. Boundaries: defining who we are <ul><li>What I want and what I don't want </li></ul><ul><li>What I am for and what I am against </li></ul><ul><li>What I love and what I hate </li></ul><ul><li>What is “me” and what is “not me” </li></ul><ul><li>What are my opinions, beliefs, and attitudes </li></ul>
  5. 5. Situations Where We Need to Set Boundaries <ul><li>Dealing with a difficult person in a relationship (abuser, manipulator, controller, irresponsible) </li></ul><ul><li>Figuring out when to say “No” so as not to overextend oneself </li></ul><ul><li>Working out better patterns of intimacy and relatedness in a good relationship </li></ul><ul><li>Taking a stand for one's values in a relationship </li></ul><ul><li>Preventing someone from taking over one's time, energy, or resources--- more than one wants to give. </li></ul>
  6. 6. When Might Confrontation Be Helpful <ul><li>To Preserve love Prov. 27:6 </li></ul><ul><li>To Resolve alienation (bring disconnected people together) </li></ul><ul><li>To Empower, build each other up (I Thess 5:11) </li></ul><ul><li>To Solve problems (No pain no gain, applies. Unresolved problems become worse) </li></ul>
  7. 7. What are Some Reasons Some Don't Confront? <ul><li>I don't know how to do it right </li></ul><ul><li>I fear failure or repercussions </li></ul><ul><li>I feel that confronting will cause more harm than good </li></ul><ul><li>I fear losing the relationship </li></ul><ul><li>I fear being the object of anger </li></ul><ul><li>I fear being hurtful </li></ul><ul><li>I fear being perceived as bad </li></ul>
  8. 8. Confrontation is About Reconciliation <ul><li>It is NOT about Forgiveness </li></ul><ul><li>Forgiveness has to do with the past. Forgiveness is not holding something someone has done against them. It is letting go. It only takes one to offer forgiveness. As God has offered forgiveness to everyone, we are expected to do the same. (Matt 6:12, 18:35) </li></ul>
  9. 9. Confrontation is About Reconciliation <ul><li>Reconciliation is different from Forgiveness </li></ul><ul><li>Reconciliation has to do with the present. It occurs when the other person apologizes and accepts forgiveness. It takes two to reconcile. </li></ul>
  10. 10. Confrontation is About Reconciliation <ul><li>Trust is unrelated to forgiveness and reconciliation </li></ul><ul><li>Trust has to do with the future. It deals with both what you will risk happening again, and what you will open yourself up to. A person must show through his actions that he is trustworthy before you trust him again (Matt 3:8, Prov. 4:23) </li></ul>
  11. 11. When Might Confrontation Be Helpful <ul><li>To Create growth (especially with children... growth comes from experiencing truth with love) </li></ul><ul><li>To Clarify reality (removing misunderstandings and distortions) </li></ul><ul><li>To Avoid being part of the problems. Ex. Stop enabling bad behavior/addictions. Prov. 19:19, Ezek. 3:18-19 </li></ul>
  12. 12. Essentials: Be emotionally present and connected <ul><li>Be warm and available to the other person </li></ul><ul><li>Converse, don't lecture </li></ul><ul><li>Connect, even with differences </li></ul><ul><li>Be willing to make the other uncomfortable (or be uncomfortable yourself) without being injurious </li></ul><ul><li>Observe yourself and what makes you “shut down” or “open up” </li></ul>
  13. 13. Essentials: Clarify the Problem <ul><li>Clarify the nature of the problem. Specifics and observations </li></ul><ul><li>Clarify the effects of the problem </li></ul><ul><li>Clarify your desire for change </li></ul>
  14. 14. Essentials: Be careful about the use of “You” and “I” <ul><li>For example: “You need to change” really means “I need for you to change.” </li></ul><ul><li>Use the Formula, when you do “A” I feel “B” </li></ul>
  15. 15. Essentials: Stay on Task <ul><li>Be specific and clear </li></ul><ul><li>Expect: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Defensiveness </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Deflection </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Diversion </li></ul></ul>
  16. 16. Essentials: Remember Humility <ul><li>Balance grace and truth </li></ul><ul><li>Affirm and validate </li></ul><ul><li>Apologize for your part in the problem </li></ul><ul><li>Be helpful and supportive </li></ul>
  17. 17. Essentials: Attitudes <ul><li> Unselfish (in motive) </li></ul><ul><li> Desire for win-win result </li></ul><ul><li> Seeking people development </li></ul><ul><li> NOT while angry </li></ul><ul><li> Other’s best interest at heart </li></ul>
  18. 18. Confrontation Guidelines <ul><li>1. Confront ASAP </li></ul><ul><li>2. Separate the person from their actions </li></ul><ul><li>3. Only confront what the person can change </li></ul><ul><li>4. Give person the benefit of the doubt </li></ul><ul><li>5. Be specific </li></ul><ul><li>6. Avoid sarcasm </li></ul>
  19. 19. Confrontation Guidelines <ul><li>7. Avoid words like ‘always’ and ‘never’ </li></ul><ul><li>8. Express feelings </li></ul><ul><li>9. Give a “game plan” </li></ul><ul><li>10. Affirm the person </li></ul><ul><li><Guidelines by John Maxwell> </li></ul>
  20. 20. A.I.R. Method of Confronting <ul><li>Step 1. Awareness (may kaalaman/ ammo) </li></ul><ul><li>Step 2. Impact/ Consequence/Cause and Effect (epekto) </li></ul><ul><li>Step 3. Request (makiusap/ ipakisuyo) </li></ul>
  21. 21. But What If You Are Receiving the Confrontation? <ul><li>Confrontation done in a loving and gentle manner yields a positive response. </li></ul><ul><li>Confrontation done poorly results in anger, hurt, and/or defensiveness. </li></ul>
  22. 22. 10 Biblical Ways to Defuse Attack When Confrontation Goes Awry <ul><li>1. Keep Silent (Isaiah 53:7) </li></ul><ul><li>2. Think Before You React (James 1:19-20) </li></ul><ul><li>3. Really Listen (James 1:19) </li></ul><ul><li>4. Respond Gently (Proverbs 15:1) </li></ul><ul><li>5. Agree with whatever is true </li></ul><ul><li>-in principle </li></ul><ul><li>-with the possibility of truth </li></ul><ul><li>(Matthew 5:25) </li></ul>
  23. 23. 10 Biblical Ways to Defuse Attack When Confrontation Goes Awry <ul><li>6. Give caring feedback (I Peter 3:9) </li></ul><ul><li>7. Bless the person (Romans 12:14) </li></ul><ul><li>8. Avoid quarrelling (Ephesians 4:31) </li></ul><ul><li>9. Offer to help (Luke 6:27) </li></ul><ul><li>10. Ask for forgiveness (Psalm 51:3-4) </li></ul>
  24. 24. 4 Rs of Forgiveness and Repentance <ul><li> Take RESPONSIBILITY </li></ul><ul><li> Demonstrate REMORSE/REGRET </li></ul><ul><li> RESOLVE to change now </li></ul><ul><li> REPAIR the damage </li></ul><ul><li>“ When someone goes through these 4 R’s with sincerity. We have the obligation to forgive even if the trust is not yet re-established. </li></ul><ul><li>As to that trust, here is an old Arabic saying: “Forgive, but tie up your camel.” </li></ul>
  25. 25. References <ul><li> Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. “How to Have that Difficult Conversation You've been Avoiding... With Your Spouse, Adult Child, Boss, Coworker, Best Friend, Parent, or Someone You're Dating,” Zondervan, 2005. </li></ul><ul><li> Maxwell, John C. “Developing the Leaders Around You,” Thomas Nelson, 2005. </li></ul><ul><li> ” Sharpening Your Interpersonal Skills,” International Training Partners. </li></ul><ul><li> Maybin, Sarita. “To Confront or Not to Confront? When You'd Rather Not Say Anything.” http://ezinearticles.com/?To-Confront-or-Not-to-Confront?:--What-to-Say-When-Youd-Rather-Not-Say-Anything-At-All&id=465187 </li></ul><ul><li> Schlessinger, Dr. Laura. 4 Steps to Repentence. Vol. 2012. articles.chicagotribune.com, 1998. </li></ul>
  26. 26. How to Have that Difficult Conversation You've been Avoiding Thoughts from book of the same name By Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend Presented by Bob and Celia Munson, Bukal Life Care & Counseling Center

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