Tracia Banuelos gave a presentation about coping strategies for people from toxic or abusive family environments. The presentation provided tips for staying grounded when discussing difficult family experiences, recognizing signs of a toxic family, and strategies for low or limited contact with abusive family members. These included journaling, finding a support community, gray-rocking to make oneself less interesting to manipulative family members, and developing self-compassion. The goal was to help people process trauma and establish safety while dealing with abusive family dynamics.

1. When Home
Isn’t Home
Tracia Banuelos (she/her)
Program Coordinator - HAVEN
Tuesday, December 3, 2019
Center for Women’s Studies

2. me
tracia (tray-shuh) + sebastian
home: wichita, ks (19 hour drive)
have visited 1 time since I
moved to ny
only visit because of siblings +
elderly family that can’t travel
2

3. What this
Is & What
this Isn’t
What this is:
- Survivor to
Survivor contact
& support
- Collection of
suggestions
3
What this isn’t:
- Clinical
diagnosis/
pathologizing
- A foolproof plan
to protect
against abuse

4. 1.
Why this topic?
4

5. 1.
Why this topic?
5
Abusers hurt the people they have access to.

6. 2.
Who is this for?
6

7. 2.
Who is this for?
This is designed to center people in the room who
know that home is toxic and a site of trauma
Anyone can utilize the tips, but it was made with the
aforementioned in mind
7

8. 3.
Staying grounded
during this
presentation
8

9. Tips & Tricks
1. Remember that you are safe right now in this bubble
2. The family you have in mind is most likely not here in
this room and doesn’t know that you are here
3. You don’t have to be here if you don’t want to!
4. Your only obligation is to yourself
5. You are not alone
9

10. 4.
How do I know my
family is toxic?
Preface: It isn’t wrong to call it what it is
10

11. Questions for Self:
1. Does it feel guilty to sit in this brownbag?
2. Does it feel like familial betrayal? Despite your valid
feelings?
3. What feelings arise when you think about going
home?
4. Where did you learn to put yourself behind others?
5. Do you get chronic headaches or simply ‘don’t feel
well’ when you’re around your family?
6. Do you feel comfortable calling the people you are
related to your family?
11

12. “
Toxic stress results in prolonged
activation of the stress response, with a
failure of the body to recover fully. It
differs from a normal stress response in
that there is a lack of caregiver support,
reassurance, or emotional attachments.
The insufficient caretaker support
prevents the buffering of the stress
response or the return of the body to
baseline function (franke 2013)
12

13. Who am I
around
these
people?
Childhood coping
mechanisms
● Lying
● Frequent
Apologizing
● People pleasing
● Self-Betrayal
Conditioning
13
Coping Today
● (Increased)
Substance Use
● Excessive
Spending
● Poor sleep habits
● Poor sexual
health

14. Dr. Nicole LePera, @the.holisitic.pscyhologist
14

15. Behavior Watch
● Control & Blame (Action)
● Guilt & Shame (Reaction)
● Dismissal of Your Feelings (Invalidation)
● Putting their Feelings on a Platform
(Over-Validation)
● Constant Critic
● Threats
● Preferential Treatment
● Extreme Rivalries
15

16. 5. General Tips &
Strategies
Accepting the circumstance is not tantamount to
accepting the trauma
Having reasonable expectations is NECESSARY! This
is not the time to treat someone based on their
potential, but past behavior
16

17. Emotional
Processing:
Talking to
Self/Spirit
Journal - but in a format that
works for you
▫ Traditional notebook
▫ Notes app on your phone
▫ Private twitter
▫ Finsta (fake instagram)
▫ Voice/video recordings
just for yourself
▫ Archive helpful pictures
17

18. Gray
Rocking
“Gray Rock is primarily a way
of encouraging a
psychopath, a stalker or other
emotionally unbalanced
person, to lose interest in
you. It differs from No
Contact in that you don't
overtly try to avoid contact”
18

19. Gray
Rocking
“...a practice where an individual
becomes emotionally
non-responsive, boring, and
virtually acts like a rock.
Emotional detachment serves to
undermine a narcissist’s
attempts to lure and
manipulate, causing them to
grow uninterested and bored.
The grey rock method takes
away what the narcissist needs
and desires most–attention”
19

20. Structured
Low
Contact
u/Structured_
Contact
1. Do not spend alone time with the
toxic person(s) + have others
around that you can trust
2. No long phone
calls/conversations
3. Make yourself a moving target
4. Know their ‘entry points’
5. Don't take the bait
6. Don't talk about the past
7. Know when you’re vulnerable &
adjust accordingly
8. When all else fails, bail
20

21. Prep for
Trigger
Points
(reflection
prompts!)
▫ What are your specific
triggers? How can you
respond to re-establish your
power?
▫ Grounding!
▫ What topics does your family
love to talk about? What
responses can you gray-rock
or derail?
▫ What always brings you joy?
21

22. Find Your
Community
1. ‘On-Call’ Friends who have
consented to be your person (get
2-3)
2. Reddit
a. r/raisedbynarcissits
b. r/JUSTNOFAMILY
c. r/entitledparents/
d. r/AbuseInterrupted
e. r/abusesurvivors
3. Facebook Groups
4. Instagram hashtags (use your
finsta)
22

23. Dr. Nicole LePera, @the.holisitic.pscyhologist
23

24. Self-Compassion
is KEY!
Toxic families push us behind in where we should be
in our self-view & emotional development
Catching up means re-investigating who you are and
falling in love with that person
24

25. Coping
Safety Plan
Journaling
Engaging the
Senses
To feel safe, I need
to :
Hear:
Smell:
See:
Taste:
Feel:
25
Self - Exploration
▫ Who am I outside
of my family?
▫ Who have I
always dreamed
of being? How
can I make this a
reality?
▫ What brings me
joy? Why?
▫ What do I like
about myself that
doesn’t involve
work for others?
Social Media
What memes are
my go-to for
immediate
laughter?
What accounts
are able to
capture my
emotions and
remove guilt?

26. Coping
Safety Plan
Journaling
(trae’s)
Engaging the
Senses
To feel safe, I need
to:
Hear: Steven
Universe Movie
Soundtrack
Smell: Tea Tree &
Lavender Oils
See:
School supplies
Taste:
Dr. Pepper,
Sweets
Feel: Plush,
Orgasms
26
Self - Exploration
▫ Who am I outside
of my family?
▫ Intelligent,
caring, fun
▫ Who have I
always dreamed
of being?
▫ Worthwhile
academic
▫ What brings me
joy? Guilt-free
fun
▫ What do I like
about myself:
tenacious,
learning to
protect self
Social Media
https://vids.me.m
e/how-them-flat-t
ummy-tea-sipping-
hoes-be-on-the-30
729867.mp4
What accounts are
able to capture my
emotions and
remove guilt?
@the.holistic.psych
ologist
@thefatsextherapis
t
@narcissitapocalyp
se

27. 6.
Avoid being a jerk!
Here are some things to NOT say to avoid triggering
people due to your own limited family framework
27

28. Rude:
The Impact
Regardless
of Your
Intent
yOuR fAmILy LuVs
yOu
bUt Itz Ur FaMiLy
iT cAn’T b tHat bAd
JuSt StAy On cAmPuz
28
Love doesn’t hurt
Even if they do love
me, their actions
show otherwise
Yes, which makes it
hurt more
It is, why couldn’t it
be?
Who’s paying for it?
May have other
family to see

29. Safe travels <3
Want a copy of the slides?
tbanuelos@colgate.edu
Zine coming soon!
29