1. The crime of ageing
Russell Grenning
Not for the first time and undoubtedly not for the last time, I have been cruelly treated
because of my age.
Yes, I have been rejected as a potential first human inhabitant of Mars and another
high hope has been smashed to dust.
The news that somebody called Korum Ellis from Perth has been selected for the
shortlist from which four people will be chosen for the first flight to Mars to establish
a human colony was a shattering blow. Quite a lot of people were very encouraging
when I confided to them my earnest desire to leave this planet – indeed, I was
overwhelmed by their encouragement.
Mr Ellis, 30, describes himself as a swim-wear model, actor, topless waiter and
“ladies’ entertainer” and is available for nude life drawing classes. I could have been
all of these things and could still be if I wanted – I have, for example, entertained
many ladies over the years even to the extent that they fall around laughing. Recently,
I have had a lot of practice sitting absolutely still so I’m ideal as a nude model for
aspiring lady artists especially if they employ the broad brush technique.
The Mars One project, incidentally, is a private operation run by a Dutchman Bas
Landsdorp who has the ambition to found a human colony on Mars by 2015. My
rejection as a candidate for the short list has somewhat diluted my enthusiasm for the
project but I still wish him luck.
I am certain that I was rejected because of my age. Yes, I am in that demographic
described as “younger old” and in ten years I will just be “old” but the other three
who could have accompanied me on the trail-blazing mission would have had the
incalculable benefit of the wisdom of the ages.
So at what magic age do you actually become “old”?
Recently my mother stayed with us and like all women she believes that there are two
ways of doing things – her way and the wrong way. I tell myself and my partner that
these visits are an essential part of my campaign to win brownie points with God. I’m
not sure anymore if He still wants me for a sunbeam which I was told was true circa
1954.
Mummy has always been well, direct. With the passing of the years she has become
even more direct.
We were discussing my upcoming birthday and she hazarded the guess that I would
be seventy. Good grief! I’m years – well quite a few months - away from being
anywhere near that. Her comment once again stirred my lingering suspicion that there
had been a dreadful mix-up at the hospital and that I am the rightful heir to the throne.

2. She refused to back down and said that whatever my age was I was still “elderly”. I
can tell you that sort of comment does nothing to bridge the generation gap.
Still on the topic, she asked my partner, “Are all of those all of your own teeth?”
The aforementioned partner, very definitely on the sunny side of forty, is possessed of
a dazzling twin-set of pearlers. The smile visibly tightened and the reply through teeth
now gritted, was a very definite “Yes.”
So I turned to Her Majesty’s Government for enlightenment as to what being old
actually was. What a treasure trove of information I discovered.
When Nicola Roxon was Attorney-General (remember her?) in the Gillard
Government (remember that?) she asked the Australian Law Reform Commission
(ALRC) to report on what barriers there were to people of a certain age having what I
suppose could be described as having a normal life - working and all of that.
The ALRC decided that “old” was forty-five and above – I never realised that I had
been old so long really.
The Australian Bureau of Statistics defines a “mature age worker” as being forty-five
and above, the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare says it is sixty-five and
older (and fifty and older for Indigenous Australians), and the Population Division of
the United Nations Department of Economics says it is sixty and above.
I was delighted to learn that this considered review by the ALRC came up with thirty-
six recommendations with the principal one being the creation of a National Mature
Age Participation Plan which needed an Advisory Panel on Positive Ageing to create
and implement after appropriate stakeholder consultation, reviews, workshops, ad hoc
working groups, the calling, receipt and consideration of submissions and general
inter-government liaison.
I just love it when public servants who are told to inquire into a specific matter
conclude that the brightest idea is that another inquiry is required and, preferably, not
by them. Teenagers today are likely to become very old during this bureaucratic
process.
Old folks seem to be the target of any number of inquiries.
Among others in recent years – and ignoring the myriad number of inquiries by State
and Territory governments – there have been inquiries by the Advisory Panel on the
Economic Potential of Senior Australians, the Consultative Forum on Mature Age
Participation, Safe Work Australia, Parliament’s Standing Committee on Health and
Ageing (do they ever get to sit?), the National Health and Hospitals Reform
Commission, the Productivity Commission, Treasury and the Human Rights
Commission. And, don’t forget that we now also have an Age Discrimination
Commissioner.

3. One of these outfits – I forget which one and, in any case, it was probably all –
thoughtfully provided an “Easy English” version of their Issues Paper, or Terms of
Reference, or On-line Submission Facility or something.
This was probably written by some whipper-snapper with a sociology degree who
doesn’t appreciate that we – again I mean they – actually learned all about parsing and
spelling and all the rules of grammar when we were kiddies and don’t need some
patronisingly insulting “Easy English” version of anything.
The fact is that Canberra is positively teeming with bright young things doing
marvellous work on behalf of old fogies and isn’t that a comfort? I wonder if they will
be surprised that when they ultimately retire they will discover that their paper
shuffling over some forty or so years of work has actually mean bloody little.
According to the Productivity Commission by 2044 -2045, one in four Australians
will be sixty-five and over and that in every year between 2012 and 2028 the aged
share of the overall population is projected to increase by 0.35% - an increase around
four times the long-term average.
Mind you, there is a lot to be said for the fact that little, if anything, ever emerges
from this ceaseless work. Old people just don’t like change.
Back in 1966 when Australia switched to decimal currency – it was Valentine’s Day,
14 February – my Great Aunt Jessie, a maiden lady well into her nineties, was terribly
confused and plaintively asked me, “Why didn’t they wait until all of us old people
had died off?”
I found that difficult to answer and was bemused by her observation that “This
wouldn’t have happened if Sir Robert hadn’t gone.” Sir Robert Menzies had retired as
Prime Minister on Australia Day – 26 January – about three weeks earlier.
She was determined that nothing would change and that Christmas I got $20 as a gift.
The previous Christmas I got twenty pounds or $40.