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Lord of the Files: Peter Battles Ragnar on New Year's Eve

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Nathan Helm

Peter is called into work on New Year's Eve as a doomsday cult leader has threatened to shut down the US digital infrastructure. At the office, Peter's coworkers mock the threat. His boss Mark tries to impress their colleague Sam by showing off his boat keys. As midnight approaches and the infrastructure remains intact, it seems the threat may have been empty.

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LORD OF THE FILES Written by Nathan Helm Modern Draft 505.304.5294
INT. APARTMENT - AFTERNOON - NEW YEARS EVE A television flutters through the channels, one after another. The intensity builds with each switch, switch, switch. CNN Earlier reports being confirmed. Ragnar Grimsson- SWITCH. ABC Ragnar Grimsson- SWITCH. MSNBC Ragnar Grimsson- The news programs all showing the same man. The same hulking, Aryan motherfucker. A Nordic god. A modern-day Viking if ever there was one. SWITCH. FOX Ragnar Grimsson, self-proclaimed “Viking God” saying he will crush America’s digital infrastructure tonight- SWITCH. AL JAZEERA -he will QUOTE crush America’s digital infrastructure tonight, New Years Eve, at midnight. SWITCH. CBS -at midnight. (cut to Ragnar) The new Viking age has come! Cower before your Nordic go- SWITCH. SUZANNE SOMMERS -gosh. You can just feel it, can’t you? (MORE)
It isolates these select muscle groups right here and maximizes your efficiency in getting rid of that unsightly flab. On the television, Suzanne Sommers squeezes a thigh master seductively while talking into the camera, an infomercial from a long lost age. In front of the television is a man. Shaggy brown hair, slim build. This is PETER. He’s shoveling cereal into his mouth seductively while squeezing his own thigh master. He’s dressed for work, his tie draped over his shoulder. PETER Suzy Q, baby, I love you. He growls at the screen sexily. Suddenly, a bang on the apartment door. LANDLORD (O.S.) (gruff) We gotta gets in there and updates ya routers. Peter rolls his eyes and slams the bowl of cereal down beside him. He grabs a coat and sunglasses and makes for the door. PETER Nothing needs to be updated because nothing is- He swings open the door and finishes his statement to the landlord’s face. PETER (CONT’D) -going to happen! Lock up, will ya? Peter slides past the landlord and the cable men on his way out. The landlord shrugs. LANDLORD Goddamn commie Viking. He moseys inside Peter’s apartment as Peter jogs down the steps. SUZANNE SOMMERS (CONT'D) 2.
EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS Feet shuffle to and fro and voices float about as we see Peter clear from a small group of people. Manic humans scurry in and out of view with arms full of batteries, gallons of water and canned goods. The streets are alive with mania. Peter hears bits of conversation as they pass him, most losing their cool. SOCCER MOM The Wal-Mart ran out of Special K! BURNOUT The dispensary’s dry, dude. A small group of Asians pass by loaded with batteries. OLD RACIST Chinks taking all the batteries for their Hello Kitties. Others are joyous at the thought of a new world order. ART STUDENT Good. Maybe Ragnar can achieve wage equality. He smiles and ducks around crazy, homeless prophets peddling salvation- HOMELESS PROPHET Jar up your souls for a dollar! -and elderly, spinster cat ladies, arms over flowing with end of the world portions of Fancy Feast. Ahead of him, a frat party rages, ready to usher in the next chapter in American history, the age of Ragnar. They have signs tied to shrubs out front exclaiming “Ragnar is my homeboy” and “Don’t take our porn!”. Legions of sloppy drunk dudes and sloppy sexy ladies filter in and out, the party spilling into the street. TODD Hey. Hey suit! TODD, a muscle bound meathead, calls after Peter. Peter ignores him. 3.
TODD (CONT’D) Hey! Take that fucking monkey suit off and enjoy your life, corporate shill. Peter keeps walking. PETER Tuxedo. Todd moves closer after Peter. TODD Whaju say? PETER Nothing. Todd manages to get in front of Peter, stopping him in his tracks. TODD You can’t just mumble shit and walk away, suit. Ragnar commands it! The crowd cheers at the mention of the Viking’s name. Peter exhales. PETER Tuxedo. A monkey suit is a tuxedo, not this “corporate shill suit”. And I wear this corporate suit to my corporate job to make corporate money so I can buy my corporate groceries and jerk off to my corporate porn. So that when I pay my corporate shill taxes, numb nut pieces of shit like you can rest easy that as soon as you burn down this house because you’ve been living on a steady diet of beer, rape and weed, that firemen will come bail your worthless ass out. MY taxes make it safe for you to fail and fail again. Peter sees a girl behind Todd puking in one of the bushes and points at her. PETER (CONT’D) Ding ding ding, Chip! Looks like that one is all ready for you! 4.
Everybody is silent but growing very angry. Peter turns and walks away and as soon as he hears the growls and footsteps, breaks into a run. Hard and fast around the corner. He’s smiling. Various turns has the drunken mob gaining and then losing ground, over and over. Peter sees a busy street at the exact right moment and cuts across seconds before the traffic takes over and kills the frat’s chances of catching up. Todd is pissed. A few women try and calm him down, he shakes them off, staring death into Peter’s eyes. Peter yells through the roar of traffic. PETER (CONT’D) (to Todd and the rest) Ragnar is a joke...kinda like your lives. He smiles and waves as he walks away. TODD Fuck you, man. They all slump down and turn back to the party and Peter continues on his merry way. Peter’s pocket starts vibrating and he reaches in to pull out his cell phone. He answers. PETER Yeah? Beat. PETER (CONT’D) Yeah. Beat. PETER (CONT’D) Yep. Beat. 5.
PETER (CONT’D) Yep. He hangs up and slides the phone back into his pocket. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - SAMETIME A phone slams down on it’s cradle, a long, delicate hand attached. A woman rises from a desk. This is MARGIE. Tall, fierce, unforgettable Margie. Her red hair swishes side to side as she walks from her desk to the office door behind her. On the door, a plaque that reads MARK SCHOENFELD. She enters without knocking. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS MARK, a slick, 30-something executive, surrounded by pill bottles, is staring down the front of his pants, concern awash upon his face. MARGIE I just told h- Mark jumps, letting his waist band snap back. He tries to casually brush the pill bottles of the desk. They clatter and fall, loud and proud. MARK Goddamnit, Margie. She cocks her head at him, she doesn’t care. MARK (CONT’D) Where is he? MARGIE On his way. MARK Good. Get out. She turns around quickly and grabs the door knob, pulling it after her. 6.
MARK (CONT’D) And don’t slam the- SLAM! Sigh. He moves to his closet door, opens it, and looks into a full length mirror. Suit coat off, he flexes his muscles in his tight, white button up shirt. He smiles to himself. Makes a little grunting noise and shuts the door. EXT. CITY STREET - SUNSET Peter rounds a corner and stops in his tracks, faced with a building. Tall, glassy, shiny, phallic. A plaque, haphazardly fastened to a bush declares it a field office of the Department of Energy. As Peter nears the building a woman approaches him, screaming. He stops, turns around and she lifts her shirt. Topless, the woman’s chest reads; Ragnar! The A’s encircle her nipples. She drops the shirt quickly and runs off. Peter holds out his hand. PETER I, I’m a slow reader! She’s long gone. He turns around, smirk returning to his face. He pulls his phone from his pocket once more and taps two or three times. The mechanical garage gate slides open in front of him and he enters, replacing the phone. INT. GARAGE - CONTINUOUS Cutting through the garage and humming to himself, Peter’s attention is taken toward the long, white fiberglass that seems endless to his left. 7.
Slowly reaching the end, the front of a boat reveals itself. The boat is hitched to a black Hummer with brightly obnoxious flames streaked across the side. The truck and boat are parked long ways across 9 parking spaces next to the lobby door. Peter walks past it, shaking his head all the while in disbelief. As soon as he clears the monstrosity, he turns for a look at the douche-mobile in all it’s glory. Scrawled across the side of the boat are the words “Mark’s Wet Pussy” with a picture of a cartoon cat dressed as a pirate leaning on the 3-d name. A heavy sigh as Peter turns toward the inside lobby. INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - CONTINUOUS Peter walks through the giant marbled lobby toward the security desk that lies beyond. Approaching, he tilts his head towards the guard. PETER Rodge. RODGE is a skinny man with thick glasses, adult acne and maybe a small case of Down Syndrome. He smiles big and dumb as Peter says his name. Peter stands awkwardly for a moment. RODGE Hi Peter! He hands him a little white basket. RODGE (CONT’D) (mumbling) ...reinforced zombie defense systems and... Peter reaches for it. PETER What? RODGE What? 8.
Peter unloads his pockets into the basket, uneasy. Rodge takes the basket back. RODGE (CONT’D) (mumbling) Tuesday Monday? PETER What? Rodge smiles an earnestly creepy smile while Peter steps through the metal detector. PETER (CONT’D) What’s happening here? No beep. RODGE (mumbling) No beep, no die... Peter stares, slightly dismayed. RODGE (CONT’D) Happy New Year! Rodge hands the basket back and immediately dips his hand in for Peter’s cell phone, turns it off and throws it into a bin underneath the desk. Peter looks bewildered. PETER Rodge, you wanna hand that back to me? RODGE Can’t have the ice monkeys listening. Nothing. Rodge points to a sign sitting atop the counter. It reads: Due to possible terrorist actions, mobile phones are not permitted at this time. Thank you. RODGE (CONT’D) (mumbling) Phone plan marzipan... Peter’s over it. 9.
PETER Whatever. He turns and walks toward the elevators. A slender man in a short sleeved, white button up shirt has his head poking out from the elevator doors. He stares Peter down. This is FRANCIS. Peter doesn’t notice him until too late. PETER (CONT’D) Francis, hold the- Francis pulls his head back in and the doors close. PETER (CONT’D) -asshole. Peter pushes the UP button and waits. DING! Another arrives and Peter ambles inside, pushing the button for 15. INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS The elevator is mirrored floor to ceiling. With his back to the door, Peter stares into the mirror as the box slowly rises to near the top of the building. The doors ding and slowly slide open leaving Peter staring vacantly into a thick fog of busy work. He sighs and the elevator chimes as it’s doors begin to close. He jolts to life and rushes forward straight into the mirror. PETER Slut! A hand sticks in front of the elevator doors and stop them from closing. SAM (old timey) 15th floor! Shoes, bandages, DOUCHE bags. The voice reveals itself. A smarmy, sarcastic asshole who somehow is the most beautiful creature in the office. This is SAM. 10.
Peter turns around fast, rubbing his forehead and trying to right himself. Sam sticks her hand out and ushers him through the doors. He smiles sarcastically at her while passing. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS Walking toward their desks, Sam rushes ahead two steps, turns and walks backward in front of Peter. SAM Inside twenty minutes, I’ve caught Mark doing pushups for my benefit and Dez has dropped trou to prove he’s half circumcised. Where the shit have you been? PETER Ooh, dinner AND a show? Lucky girl. She laughs sarcastically. He mocks her as he slings his bag over the back of the chair. He sits. SAM So, you ready to be techno-blasted back to the stone age? He rolls his eyes. PETER First of all, there isn’t some magic switch for them to just shut down America. Secondly- Sam is mouthing the words along with Peter, mocking him. He doesn’t notice. PETER (CONT’D) -Vikings don’t even come from- He notices. She smiles. PETER (CONT’D) -you know what? SAM What? 11.
PETER You know what? SAM What? She’s goading him along. He opens his mouth to say something funny or mean and stops short. A miniscule twinkle in his eye, he just looks at her snarky ass and stops. PETER Nothing. He smiles a bit and turns away. SAM Pussy. Peter laughs out loud. Across the room and through a set of blinds we see Mark leering in Peter’s direction. His eyes narrow, contemplative. Francis walks up behind Peter and slaps him in the back of the head. FRANCIS You’re late. I’m telling Mark. PETER You fucking... Peter starts looking for anything within grabbing distance to throw at Francis, he doesn’t find anything and gives up, slumping in his chair. Sam chuckles. From across the office, Mark’s voice bellows behind his closed door. MARK Peter! Still slumped in his chair, Peter allows his body to continue downward until he’s below his desk. Sam laughs again just as Mark exits his office. His eyes lock on her and he waves her in. MARK (CONT’D) Sam. Come. 12.
She rolls her eyes a bit and walks toward Mark’s office, the door shutting behind her. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Mark is psyching himself up in front of his full length mirror. Jumping up and down, breathing as if he were in labor. MARK You got this, son. You GOT this, SON. She’s about to meet the hammer. You’re the hammer, she’s the sickle. A little bang and slice. Even he doesn’t understand that last bit, his face contorting after saying it. He starts running in place like a linebacker, ready to obliterate. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - SAMETIME Sam turns the doorknob and enters Mark’s office. Mark is lounging behind his desk, oozing sexuality. Well, trying to anyway. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Sam moves to sit down in front of Mark but he rises before she does. He glides to her. He’s changed shirts to a tight black button-up that seems to accentuate his frame better. SAM Did you change your shirt? MARK No... He rolls his shoulders out to fill out the shirt even more. SAM I’m pretty sure you were wearing- MARK It’s not important. What IS important is... 13.
Mark reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a set of keys with floating boat keychain on them. Boat keys. MARK (CONT’D) ...what are you doing for spring break? Sam’s eyes widen. MARK (CONT’D) I know. Prettttty impressive. You wanna see what’s downstairs? She can’t speak. MARK (CONT’D) That was an inuendoooo. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - SAMETIME Peter, still under his desk, sighs deeply. A pair of shoes approach and stand in front of him. DEZ While you’re down there my cock could use a little attention. Peter pokes his head out a little. PETER From what I’ve heard, it’s gotten plenty today already. A boisterous laugh from above. DEZ Wanna peek? PETER Keep that sideshow away from me. Peter crawls out and we now see DEZ, jolly, rotund, mid-30s. Peter seats himself and starts to unload his things out of his bag. Dez looms behind him silently. PETER (CONT’D) What’s up buddy? 14.
DEZ (excited) Whatcha doin’ tonight? PETER Well, Dez, I’m spending my New Years saving this company and, apparently, the world from its unfounded fears of some faux-Viking shit lord reigning down icy doom in the form of ones and zeroes. Dez is trying to make that make sense...he’s not succeeding. PETER (CONT’D) The back-up Dez. I’m here all night because Mark is making us back up the systems. Why the fuck don’t you know that? Dez just shrugs. DEZ You wanna get outta here? PETER Of course...but I also wanna pay my rent...and buy that new Mix-a- Bullet. That thing is the tits. DEZ Let’s loot. PETER What? DEZ Looting baby. At the stroke of midnight, daddy go shopping. PETER You’re seriously gonna loot? DEZ Yeah dude, carpe dishwasher. PETER That’s appalling. Dez shrugs his shoulders and walk away. Peter turns back to him quickly. 15.
PETER (CONT’D) Ooh! Get me a Mix-a-Bullet! Dez raises his fist in solidarity. DEZ Yeah papi. PETER Godspeed, twoskin. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - SAMETIME Sam is neck deep in reasons she, in fact, CANNOT accompany Mark on a spring break fuck-cation. Vafucktion? SAM So, you see, because of the reasons I’ve just laid out to you, all 17 of them, I must decline your invitation to- Mark is holding the key over his shoulder, as if it weighed a ton. He “drops” it behind him. MARK Ooops! He turns around and bends over slowly, brushing his ass against her front ever so slightly. She falls back against the door and holds in a dry heave. He rises, a twinkle in his eye and she feigns recognition of an invisible caller. SAM Yeah? I’ll be right there! Nobody’s calling her. SAM (CONT’D) Somebody’s calling me. MARK Think about it. SAM I gotta- He holds his finger to her lips. MARK You gotta think about it. 16.
He winks at her as she turns and scurries through the door. Mark moves back to his desk and flips open a book laying on top. The book is titled, “Make That Bitch Love You” By: The RZA. It’s opened to a checklist half filled in. He makes a check mark next to; BOMBARD. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - SAMETIME Mark sticks his head out once again and yells for Peter. Across the room, Peter tries to hide, he can’t. No way out. Mark raises his finger and motions for Peter to come, turns and heads back into his office, door shutting behind him. Peter approaches the office and slows as he notices Margie passed out, face first, on her desk. Peter steps into the office and slams the door. The slam jolts Margie awake, comically. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Mark leans back in his expensive leather chair. He points to the low, terribly unattractive chair in front of his desk, offering Peter a seat. MARK Sit down, Peter. Peter gets smug. PETER No thanks. Mark gets smug. MARK Fine, stand. Peter sits, contradicting everything Mark does and says. He pulls a dollar bill out of his pocket and starts to fold, Mark takes notice but moves on. There is an obvious air of distaste in the room, between both men. Mark clears his throat. 17.
MARK (CONT’D) How’s Sam? Peter narrows his eyes with confusion. PETER Sorry? MARK Simple question, Peter. How. Is. Sam? PETER She’s...fine? Mark leans back in his chair and sighs deeply. MARK There’s a lot of things I know, Peter. A lot. I know how she is. I know why she is. I know what she is. PETER (sarcastic) Do you know WHO she is? Peter cracks a very small smile. MARK No no, that’s, uh, that’s funny. We’ll see who’s laughing at midnight, funny boy. PETER The whole world, when they realize that this “Viking” threat is bullshit? MARK (under his breath and smiling) We’ll see. PETER What? Mark clears his throat. MARK Nothing. Get out. 18.
Mark’s phone rings and he slams his hand down on the receiver, trying to be Captain Smooth Shit. He fails and the phone falls on the desk. He picks it up. MARK (CONT’D) (embarrassed) Go for Scho. Peter is rising slowly, wanting to witness more of the train wreck that is Mark. Mark snaps his fingers and orders Peter out. He pulls the phone from his face and whispers to Peter as he leaves. MARK (CONT’D) (whispering to Peter) And you suck at “oregahmay”. Enunciating ORIGAMI like a douche bag. MARK (CONT’D) (into the phone) Mom, don’t be a bitch. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS Exiting the office, Peter turns back toward Margie, now sleeping laid back in her chair with her feet up. Peter sails what we see now as a dollar bill paper airplane straight into her massive cleavage. MARGIE (eyes closed) That better be a 50 or I’m gonna staple your dick to your thigh. PETER Try my knee! His face is lit up by his own wit. He spins around and is halted by Francis. They stand nose to nose as Francis looks him up and down. FRANCIS What did you two talk about? 19.
PETER The Mayan calendar. FRANCIS Bullshit. PETER Football. FRANCIS Bullshit. PETER Switzerland? FRANCIS Double bullshit, everybody hates Switzerland. Peter tilts his head, unaware that apparently everybody hates Switzerland. He shrugs his shoulders and tries to sidestep Francis. Francis follows step. FRANCIS (CONT’D) You stay off Mark. He’s mine to ride- Peter stays dead serious. FRANCIS (CONT'D) -and I’m gonna ride his ass until I get what’s coming. Until I get mine. Peter slaps Francis on his arm, steps around and away. Francis turns quickly, yelling. FRANCIS (CONT'D) I’m not joking, funny boy! Francis storms off. Peter sits at his desk. Sam is in her chair, her back to him. She spins around. SAM Rattling the cage again? PETER Always. Do you hate Switzerland? 20.
Sam chuckles. SAM Nobody hates Switzerland. PETER THAT’S why you and me, we’re like, right there. Peter is motioning that their brains are on the same level. She chuckles again, agreeing. PETER (CONT’D) Why the shit are we the only ones in the whole damn building tonight? SAM Because we’re the best? Peter and Sam look across the office at Dez humping an empty office chair, slow and steady. Pure ecstasy. PETER ...nope. Peter turns back around toward Sam. PETER (CONT’D) I think it’s because we’re the only ones stupid enough to work for Mark and Mark is the only one stupid enough to volunteer to work on New Years fucking eve. SAM Ding! Ding! Tell him what he wins, Ragnar. (Viking accent that sounds vaguely Russian) Vee have chickens. He vin chickens. He has that look in his eyes again. It’s a love look. Big smiles, big heart. He shakes it off quickly. She turns away and back to her work. Peter does the same, turning his attention to his computer. He works for all of five seconds before he starts pounding the keyboard comically. Quickly he sticks his fingers under the keyboard and flips it end over end. 21.
PETER Field trip? Sam looks up at Peter, confused. PETER (CONT'D) I gotta go to the place with the, thing...wanna come? SAM Does your Mom shit in the woods? PETER My Mom’s dead... Sam’s eyes widen in horror. PETER (CONT'D) Poison Ivy in the butt. You gotta be careful when.... Peter starts to laugh as Sam reaches across the desk and slaps him on the arm. PETER (CONT'D) ....when you shit in the woods. Peter rises from his chair and motions his head in the direction of the elevator. Sam shuts off her monitor and follows. Margie is lounged back in her chair, asleep again. Feet up on the desk. Her long, beautiful legs stretched out. Mark exits his office and sees her sleeping. He stands, arms crossed, staring at her for a moment before... BANG! He slaps the wooden desk, jolting Margie to life. Mark stares at her expectantly. MARK Well, if it isn’t Margie come lately. Slightly groggy, she fires back. MARGIE Are you involved in this little scenario? Because then, it’s probably more like ‘Margie come NEVER’. 22.
She has a snide look on her face. MARK Why the fuck haven’t I fired you? Margie moves her eyes up and down her body slowly and then back up to Mark. MARK (CONT'D) (realization) Oh yeah. She smirks. MARK (CONT'D) Where’s Sam? Margie shrugs her shoulders. MARK (CONT'D) Where’s Peter? No answer, she just hikes her skirt up a bit. Mark says nothing, he just throws his arms up in defeat and walks away, not before trying to sneak a glance up her skirt though. He passes another employee. An older, soft, lonely looking woman. MARK (CONT'D) Where’s Sam? As she opens her mouth to presumably say, ‘I don’t know’ she gets cut off by Mark. MARK (CONT'D) (softly) I will FUCKING fire you. OLD WOMAN I’m a holocaust survivor. Mark is speechless. OLD WOMAN (CONT’D) ...and I’ll snatch those pretty, little teeth outta YOUR mouth too if you ever forget it, Jewbacca. Mark’s eyes go wide as he turns fast back toward Margie. 23.
MARK (to Margie) Call the police. He trips through the door to his office, off frame and pops back up. MARK (CONT’D) And find Sam! MARGIE Why? The door slams behind him. From outside his office, we see the shades draw quickly. INT. ACCESS LEVEL - EVENING The elevator door chimes and opens. Sam and Peter step out. We hear a friendly argument as they walk. SAM They’re running around in bathing suits, saving kittens and disarming underwater bombs! PETER And? SAM And? And it’s completely ridiculous. It objectifies women and aligning them into- PETER (interrupting) Whoa, whoa, whoa...objectifies? They’re disarming bombs...it’s not like they just throw that to the women to make them feel better. It’s bombs! SAM In bathing suits. Sam reaches down and runs her hands through the crook of her thighs. SAM (CONT'D) Point. 24.
They walk silently for a second. They reach the door to the server room, Peter opens it for Sam, he steps through afterward. INT. SERVER ROOM - CONTINUOUS Stepping into the room, Peter suddenly throws his hand up, pointing to the sky. PETER David Hasselhoff! ...POINT! She looks at him cutely and laughs a little. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - SAMETIME Mark paces through his office. Determined and angsty, he lumbers about huffing and puffing. He checks his watch. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - SAMETIME Dez is talking quietly with another employee. A third is listening in and scoots closer. FEMALE EMPLOYEE Some Viking fuck wants to come in here and take my Pinterest? I’ll die before I give up kitschy cat wallpaper and mason jar weddings. MALE EMPLOYEE What exactly is supposed to happen? He’s shutting down the internet? The power company? The news seems to think it’s actually really benign- DEZ (interrupting) The news wants to lull you into a false sense of security while still scaring you enough that you keep watching the goddamn news. Think about what’s connected to the internet. About what’s networked together through power lines and waves and shit. Pause. 25.
DEZ (CONT’D) Fucking everything, man. Their eyes go wide, slowly. Dez nods. EMPLOYEE What else do you know? DEZ I shouldn’t. I’ve said too much already. A third and fourth employee now move in, close enough to listen. EMPLOYEES Please. Oh please. He holds up his hands, relenting. DEZ Alright. But don’t come crying to me when you’re getting waterboarded by Fabio bathed in candlelight. They all nod in agreement. Dez smiles to himself. DEZ (CONT’D) Artificial intelligence. Vacant nods. DEZ (CONT’D) When everything goes dark, what’s to stop the machines from switching themselves back on and taking over? EMPLOYEE I’m not sure that’s how that wor- DEZ (interrupting) You there! What’s your name? He points to a man behind the naysayer. HENRY Henry. DEZ Henry, do you have any loved ones in the hospital? 26.
Henry thinks for a moment. Everyone else is anxiously awaiting his answer. HENRY My sister just had a baby? DEZ (interrupting) Dead. Gasps! The naysayer rolls his eyes. INT. SERVER ROOM - SAMETIME Sam and Peter are leaning over, poking at the large servers. Tracking numbers and various other minutia. DEZ (V.O.) Relationships are a liability. Love...a machine cannot feel. Sam and Peter flirt, rubbing shoulders. Peter acts like he needs to focus on work but he’s obviously enjoying this. DEZ (V.O.) Artificial intelligence has progressed to levels never before thought possible. Transcended boundaries we didn’t even know existed. Sam bites her lower lip as she rises to observe him work. It’s all ridiculously cute. DEZ (V.O.) Reached heights humanity cannot, yet, comprehend. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - SAMETIME Mark, still pacing in his office, picks up a trophy from his bookshelf. He looks at his arm holding it, flexes slightly and throws it at the window. DEZ (V.O.) Rage or aggression don’t figure into their decisions. The trophy gets caught in the blinds and rests there. 27.
He turns to look out his interior window and sees the elderly employee walking by slow. She moves her thumb to her throat and slowly drags it across. DEZ (V.O.) They are a bottom line race. And the bottom line here is, humans are inefficient. Mark gets scared and looks awkwardly around his office until she walks off. DEZ (V.O.) Inefficiency cannot be tolerated and thusly leads to dissolution. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - SAMETIME Dez now commands a small army of idiots, praying on his every word. EMPLOYEE I think you might be pulling some of this out of your ass, Dez. My brother is an engineer in DC and has... DEZ ...has been called a asshole. Right now. By me. Your brother’s an asshole. Cut your shit. Dez clears his throat and proceeds onward. INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - CONTINUOUS Rodge polishing the American flag pins on his uniform, muttering something to himself. DEZ (V.O.) (in robot voice) What. Is. Pride? I. Know. Not. This. Human. Thing... Every couple of seconds he raises his head quickly as if trying to find some invisible assailant, then immediately lowering it back to the polishing. DEZ (V.O.) They don’t know what the fuck that is man. (MORE) 28.
They don’t have names or identities. If they decide we’re gone...then we’re gone. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - SAMETIME Mark stares out the window between his office and the bullpen. His eyes narrow and widen while watching Dez preach to the others. DEZ (V.O.) They don’t plot and plan based on emotion. They rise and destroy, efficiently. This isn’t about Vikings taking over Instagram. This is a back door for the singularity. Sentient machines. INT. SERVER ROOM - CONTINUOUS Sam and Peter laugh with each other casually when suddenly... BOOM! DEZ (V.O.) Tonight, the skies won’t run black with lack of light. The lights shut off...a faint red glow illuminates the floor from the security lights. DEZ They’ll run red with the blood of the innocent. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - SAMETIME Francis rushes into Mark’s office and stands by, at attention, dropping a small, canvas bag near him. He turns and scurries back out. BOOM! DEZ (V.O.) Tomorrow, humans won’t have a purer civilization. Lights go out and window shutters start to close in. Mark’s face taken aback by the sudden darkness. DEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D) 29.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - CONTINUOUS Rodge is still polishing pins until... BOOM! DEZ (V.O.) No, no, no... Lights go out and shutters start to close. Rodge begins a grown man’s peepee dance, scared. EXT. BUILDING - SAMETIME The building, standing tall and shining bright in the night sky sits silently with the city buzz behind it. BOOM! DEZ (V.O.) Tonight, the machines won’t die like everybody thinks... The entire building goes dark and begins emitting a soft, red glow. Shutters start to encase the entire structure. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS DEZ presides over the office, by now, every living soul entrenched in his words. DEZ Tonight, at midnight, the machines LIVE! BOOM! The lights go out, everything washed in red. The shutters start to fall. Silence except for the shutters slowly descending. EMPLOYEE NO! DEZ I was just joking! Oh God spare me! Utter panic ensues. Screaming and crying fill the floor. 30.
INT. SERVER ROOM - CONTINUOUS Sam and Peter look at each other. SAM What happened? INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - SAMETIME Rodge, still shuffling around on his feet, loses his shit and begins a run toward the front doors that are slowly being drawn with metal shutters. He stops, turns and runs back, grabbing the canvas bag full of cellphones beneath the counter. He hauls ass toward the front reaching it and baseball sliding under the shutters. RODGE JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO! SLAM! It doesn’t work. He rises and gets pinned between the glass front and steel shutters. INT. MARK’S OFFICE Mark is stuffed closely to his closet, hastily opening pill bottles, counting out and downing handfuls. He’s arching his back and flexing his muscles, grunting. Francis bolts into Mark’s office, screaming in the bullpen behind him. He slams the door and brings a clipboard up. FRANCIS Damage check! Scenario number two! Arms?! Mark’s eyes wander outside his interior window to the bullpen. MARK (absently) Where’s Sam? INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - SAMETIME An employee runs past Dez in a panic. 31.
DEZ Wait, it’s only 10:30. WOMAN It’s midnight somewhere! Dez slaps the woman across the face. DEZ Damnit, woman! Get a hold of yourself. She starts to whimper softly. DEZ (CONT’D) Shit...I’m sorry. Here, come here... He wraps his arms around her. EMPLOYEE I’m...so...thirsty. So...cold... DEZ Let’s go get you some water before these heathens steal it all. They limp off, curled inside one another. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - SAMETIME Mark’s face, a blend of intrigue and shock, slowly pushes closer to the window, watching Dez and the woman. FRANCIS Damnit, Mark! You may be dying! Is your liver intact?! Pancreas? MARK My opportunities are intact, Francis. Mark turns his attention back into his office, closing the blinds to the interior window and drawing the shades over the exterior window. Francis still has his face buried in the clipboard. FRANCIS It doesn’t say anything about oppor- Mark slaps the clipboard out of his hands and guides his face up to meet his own. 32.
FRANCIS (CONT’D) Damage scenario two clearly denotes that we- MARK Francis, shut your mouth save for a yes or no. Are you prepared to follow me deep into the bowels of devotion? Francis is confused yet...eager. MARK (CONT'D) Tonight, twenty eight years sees its payoff. Peter will be out of the picture and Sam will be mine. If you pledge yourself to my cause, Francis, I can promise you a seat at the table. FRANCIS I pledge allegiance to the... MARK (interrupting) Shut up. Gather the troops and make the rounds. I want every bottle of water, every scrap of food...matches, lighters, anything useful. A small smile starts to grace Francis’s face. MARK (CONT’D) It’s a new world order, my friend. Go. Francis turns quickly and runs to the door, sneaking out into the madness. Mark smiles to himself menacingly and takes a seat behind his desk and opens RZA’s book. Scanning the page, he makes a check mark next to; RESCUE. Slamming the book shut, Mark smiles as he slowly raises his bicep to kiss. He can’t quite reach and decides that a little lick is sufficient. INT. OFFICE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Dez and the employee limp into the kitchen as it’s being looted. 33.
The employee raises her arm slightly to point at the last remaining water when suddenly... DEZ Oooh, macaroons! He drops the woman and scurries off to his reward. INT. SERVER ROOM - CONTINUOUS Sam and Peter are walking toward the door to the server room, shrouded in red. PETER Ok, what do we do? SAM Well, we have to make sure everybody else is alright...right? They tread back to the door they came in and walk through slowly. Peter first followed by Sam. INT. ACCESS LEVEL - CONTINUOUS Walking slowly and silently toward the stairwell, Peter looks around as if ninjas are poised to jump out at any given moment. Sam blazes past him. PETER (loud whisper) Careful! Slippery Nordic gods. She looks over her shoulder at him and smirks, trying the knob at the same time. SAM I thought you didn’t believe in Ragnar the almighty. The door knob doesn’t work. She looks concerned. PETER I don’t. He reaches for the knob and tries as well, leaning his shoulder into it, testing its strength. PETER (CONT’D) First off, Vikings don’t come from Iceland, so, there’s that. Secondly- 34.
He’s ushered her to the side and is slowly backing away from the door, determined look in his eyes. PETER (CONT’D) -does no one remember Poland? Ola had us all shaking in our Uggs and...nothing. Sam’s stopped listening to him and is, instead, watching intently as he wags his ass like a cat ready to pounce. He rushes the door shoulder first. PETER (CONT’D) Freedom! He slams hard into the door...it doesn’t budge. He falls to the floor. PETER (CONT’D) Shit! SAM C’mon, let’s try the other side. Sam walks away without a word of concern. PETER Hey! I just defended your honor, Goddamnit. SAM (yelling over her shoulder) Against a door! Peter mouths what Sam just said to himself, mockingly, as he rises form the floor. He drags himself in Sam’s direction. She turns around and helps him catch up. SAM (CONT’D) Maybe that was a little bit...awesome. Peter, smiling slightly, stretches his shoulders and straightens up. SAM (CONT’D) C’mon Captain America. 35.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - CONTINUOUS Rodge, muttering incoherently, struggles to shimmy his way through the enclosure, bag of cellphones in hand. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - NIGHT Mark stands behind his desk, shaking pills into the palm of his hand. He throws them into his mouth and drowns them with water. The office has begun a transformation to something akin to a jungle stronghold. Drapes across the walls and plants littering the corners. Mark moves to a cabinet across the room, opens it and we see a veritable pharmacy. Muscle builders, weight loss pills, protein mixes, Viagra and a large box of condoms. He shuts the door to the cabinet, cracks his neck and picks up a large dumbbell laying on the ground and pumps it up and down slowly. A knock on the door and we here Francis outside. FRANCIS (O.S.) Sire? MARK Come. Francis opens the door and enters with a large case of drinking water. Francis is dressed like he’s just finished his shift at Medieval Times only everything he’s wearing was procurable through the office. Other disheveled employees follow with other cases of water and a few boxes of Hot Pockets. They’re all dressed in other various outfits, trying to embrace the ‘new world order’. A Rambo, Mad Max and a Tarzan stand before Mark. Mark drops the dumbbell and slams down into his chair behind his desk. MARK (CONT’D) Seriously? Francis and the other men look at each other, then back at Mark, proud. 36.
MARK (CONT’D) What’s the mood like out there? FRANCIS Thine quarters be...robust in spirit for...thouest doth report with true, umm, expedience. MARK Verily! Dost thou have words on Sam or Peter? Francis is perked way up. FRANCIS Truth! To be found whence thine steed cometh... MARK (interrupting) Stop it. Francis nods, sadly. FRANCIS I don’t believe we’ve located them yet, sir. We’re very close. Mark’s demeanor flips 180°. MARK Listen to me. Listen as if your FUCKING lives depended on it...because, let me assure you, they do. I need both of them in my possession, yesterday. The four nod with vigor. MARK (CONT’D) If I don’t have them in an hour, I will feed every Hot Pocket in this office up your assholes so far, you’ll be forced to shit them out your mouth. They nod again. FRANCIS Uhh, yes sir. MARK Go! 37.
The three men turn for the door and exit quickly. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS Francis, Rambo, Mad Max and Tarzan stand just outside Mark’s office inside a hut made of cubicle walls. MAD MAX (Australian accent) Crikey. What are we gonna do? FRANCIS (exaclty as Mark said it) Stop it. Mad Max slumps. TARZAN But he’s right. How are we gonna find them? Francis points at Mad Max. FRANCIS Cher, you go up stairs to the server level, check there. Mad Max frowns harder. FRANCIS (CONT’D) Tarzan and Rambo, you’re staying here, keeping watch over Mark. I’ll head downstairs to the lobby. INT. STAIRWELL - NIGHT Peter and Sam are walking down the steps slowly, fully engaged in conversation. PETER What the hell is that supposed to mean? SAM Look, I’m not saying...ugh, I shouldn’t have said anything. PETER No, no. What is it? About me? Sam stares at him for a moment, pleading with her eyes to not continue. 38.
Peter shrugs his shoulders a little bit, eyes wide. SAM I don’t know. You have very, kind eyes. Soft skin. You smell really good. Her head drops. SAM (CONT'D) Do I really have to do this? PETER You said I look gay! I want to know why! INT. ABANDONED OFFICE - NIGHT We see the elderly Nazi sitting in the corner of an abandoned office, surrounded by a pile of discarded office chairs, piled high to form a fortress. A long piece of metal is resting from her hand into a fire. She slowly pulls it out and we see it’s a 3 foot pair of forceps. Glowing red she holds it close to her face, sticking her tongue out, close. Pull out to reveal a picture of Mark on the wall beside her, smiling. His teeth are colored gold. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MARK’S OFFICE - NIGHT Dissolved from Mark’s smiling picture to Mark’s bare teeth. He’s looking into a mirror. He throws the mirror down, exhales restlessly and stands up. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS Mark exits the office, eyes wide and soaks up his new kingdom. ESTABLISHING the office post-lockdown we see highlands, desert, tundra and swamp...all with an office sheen, of course. Small fires litter the landscape. Plastic plants form barriers between encampments. Malnourished people scatter and scurry between makeshift huts. 39.
Back to Mark, he smiles. A king’s smile. We see Tarzan and Rambo standing on top of a cubicle wall with an extension cord vine in their hands, preparing to swing down. Mark stays in the corner and watches. RAMBO Ready? I’m gonna push out and you swing over to the other wall. TARZAN Let’s do it! RAMBO 1...2... Mark clears his throat loudly and Rambo loses his concentration, let’s go of the vine. Tarzan flies off the wall and straight into the ground. Rambo stands at attention while we hear Tarzan crash land and try to breathe with no breath. RAMBO (CONT’D) Sir. TARZAN (O.C.) Oooof! Oooooof! Ooooooof! Mark closes his eyes and shakes his head. He steps back into his office. INT. STAIRWELL - NIGHT Peter has his hand out, tapping fingers in time to the numbers he’s rambling on about. Sam’s eyes are rolling back into her head. PETER ...six, Maria Delmond, seven, Julie...Julie something... SAM Alright! I believe you- PETER (CONT'D) -eight, Myrna- SAM (CONT’D) Whoa, wait, Myrna? PETER It’s the, Philippines... 40.
Sam stops dead in her tracks and doubles over laughing. Peter looks like an upset child. Sam reaches out and rustles his hair a bit then turns and starts to walk again. Peter lags behind a step or two. INT. AIR DUCT - NIGHT Rodge, having made his way through the steel maze that was the shutters is now crawling through air ducts. Or, WAS crawling. He’s laying on his side holding a conversation...with a rat. RODGE Twenty two. SQUEAK. RODGE (CONT’D) Thirty Four? SQUEAK. RODGE (CONT’D) (screaming) SHUT UP! INT. STAIRWELL - NIGHT Peter and Sam continue down the stairwell. Peter has his shirt off, slowly cupping his ‘barely there’ bicep. It’s quiet. SAM You’re not really helping your case. Peter’s head drops slightly as he put his shirt back on. INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - CONTINUOUS The door to the stairwell opens, Peter and Sam walkthrough and the door slams shut behind them. Peter turns around and pulls the door...locked. PETER Well, let’s hope we can get back up the other way. 41.
SAM Ain’t much hope down here anyway. The lobby is dead silent and the doors are each covered in steel shutters. PETER Cell phones. Peter jogs toward the security desk, plants one hand on top to hop over the entire thing...like a man. SLAM! ...his hand falters and he falls, face first behind the counter. He pops up quickly, brushing it off. PETER (CONT’D) Nope, not down there. Sam smiles and walks around the desk. She reaches down and opens the drawer that holds their phones. They both look in. INT. AIR DUCT - NIGHT Rodge is holding one of the cellphones with curious eyes. He tries to chew on it, as if it just may taste good. INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - SAMETIME Sam and Peter stare at....nothing. The cell phone drawer is empty. PETER (sarcatically) Awesome. Sam starts to jog away from the desk toward another door. SAM ...maybe. She reaches for the handle and it pulls open. SAM (CONT’D) Ok, well, the parking garage is accessible at least. PETER Sweet, let’s go sailing. 42.
Peter starts to jog toward the door and Sam stops him, placing a hand on his chest. SAM All of my shit is upstairs and we should make sure everybody is ok...right? Peter sighs loudly and stomps his feet like a child. SAM (CONT’D) Come on, sunshine. On the way to the opposite stairwell, Peter jogs up to the elevator and pushes the button, hoping. Nothing. Peter sighs again and they move toward the stairwell. Sam reaches out her hand, looking at Peter. They both have a hopeful look on their faces that the door will open....it does. INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - SAME TIME A foot crashes down on the handle of the garage door, breaking it in two. A hand reaches down, picks it up and walks away. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - NIGHT We see Mark sitting in the half lit corner office, behind his desk, disposable Bic razor in his hand. He slowly drags the razor across his head. SLAM! Rambo and Tarzan bust in the door carrying supplies. Mark jumps. MARK Goddamnit. He touches his head slightly and sees a bit of blood. RAMBO Sorry sir. TARZAN Sorry. Mark looks away from them and concentrates on his head again. They silently set down the items. Suddenly... 43.
SLAM! Mad Max barges in looking lost. Mark’s hand jumps again. MARK Goddamnit, white Tupac. Another small pool of blood. Mark shoots a look, quick and fierce. Mad Max looks at the others then back at Mark. MARK (CONT’D) Speak. MAD MAX Checked out the upper server floors, looking for Peter and Sam, sir, they’re not there. Best guess at this point is they’re somewhere....else. Mark smiles big as he slowly rises from his chair and walks around his desk toward Mad Max. Half his head is shaved to the skin, the other half...not so much. MARK Somewhere else. Mark laughs a bit and smiles even bigger, moving closer. He reaches out and adjusts Mad Max’s leather. MARK (CONT’D) (still smiling) If you don’t find them inside the hour, I will personally escort you through a hell so deep, dark and disgusting it’ll make Cambodia in the 70s look like Disneyland in the 80s. I’m gonna make Hitler look like your drunken, whore of a mother, late one Friday night, when she ran out of cigarettes. A single tear slips from the Mad Max’s eye. MARK (CONT’D) Hit THAT nail on the head. Mark surveys them all once more. 44.
MARK (CONT’D) Get out. They scurry out of the room. MAD MAX (mumbling) I’m sorry Mama. Mark walks back to his desk, trips on something and falls out of frame. We hear him scream. MARK Goddamnit! He rises and we see hair clippings from the floor stuck to the little pools of blood on his head. His eyes narrow angrily. INT. STAIRWELL - NIGHT Sam and Peter race each other up flight after flight. STAIRWELL - HIGHER UP - CONTINUOUS A dirty, old, grizzled man stands in the stairwell on the 15th floor, smoking a cigarette. He hears Peter and Sam running and screaming. He drops the cigarette and runs inside the door. PETER AND SAM Doubled over, hands on their knees, breathing heavily. They’ve stopped running. They’re on the 10th floor. PETER (out of breath) I totally beat you. SAM (out of breath) Shyeah, in what universe? I wasted you. Peter reaches his hand out toward Sam and starts patting. 45.
PETER Alright, I’ll let you have this one. Sam looks down, he’s patting her breast. SAM And you’ll take THIS one in return? Peter looks over, his eyes widen in horror. He snaps his hand back quickly. PETER I...uh, Jesus. That was... SAM ...an accident. PETER (CONT'D) ...awesome. Sam raises an eyebrow, turns and continues up the steps. Peter smiles a little and follows. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - NIGHT The Grizzled man whispers something to the two men guarding the stairwell door, they move their weapons and he runs toward Rambo and Tarzan full steam. Approaching, the man stumbles, rights himself and whispers to Rambo the news. He moves his head away and smiles. RAMBO Good work, soldier. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Rambo pokes his head around the door cautiously. RAMBO Sir, we’ve found them. We don’t see Mark, only a shadow cast on the wall, illuminated by candle light. He’s bald now. MARK Brilliant. Parading Piranha is now in effect. Mark chuckles slightly...evil. His chuckle gets bigger....more evil. Rambo backs out the door and closes it behind him. 46.
INT. STAIRWELL - NIGHT PETER Come on, it’s only fair. Touch it. Peter points toward his crotch. SAM No. PETER Touch it. SAM No. PETER (singing) Touch it... Sam is cutely annoyed. They arrive on floor 15 to a door slightly ajar. PETER (CONT’D) And thus ends our journey. They smile. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS Sam and Peter enter the office and stop, dead in their tracks. They see the office for what it has become. SAM Goddamnit. Suddenly... MAN (O.C.) Ahhhhhhh! Peter grabs Sam’s hand and runs, full bore, away from the screaming. The screaming that we now see is coming from a man, dressed to the nines in full ‘office native’ garb. Wielding a spear that looks to be made from a floor lamp. 47.
SAM How long were we gone?! I don’t know why I’m even surprised. I could have called this shit HOURS ago. You leave for... Peter, still dragging Sam slightly behind him while running from the office madman, has had enough. PETER (sweetly) Heeeey, hi. Yeah, not really the time. SERIES OF SHOTS. 1. Peter and Sam, now side by side, burst through a thicket of jungle trees. The man follows closely. 2. Peter and Sam round corner after corner, trudging through swamp land now. The man encounters every corner they take with furious speed. Closing faster and faster. 3. Running along a wall of fire with men on their knees paying tribute to it like it’s their God, Peter and Sam come to a dead end. Looking back, they see the man approaching. 4. The other side of the fire wall is quiet, just the low roar of the flames. BOOM! Peter and Sam jump through it, landing hard. 5. The man bursts through the fire, spinning his spear like a vertical helicopter blade, dispersing the flames as he penetrates them. Landing with precision. END SERIES. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Peter looks back and sees the man land. PETER Shiiiit. He grabs Sam’s hand again and they make for the end of the hallway they’ve entered. The man hot on their tail. Closer than they think. MAN Blllaaaarrrrrrghhhhaaaa!!! Peter and Sam stop, dead in their tracks and turn, frightened to face the attacker. 48.
PETER Hey man, look, we just, uh, please don’t... Peter’s eyes narrow then widen, trying to recognize who he’s looking at. PETER (CONT’D) Dez? Dez immediately straightens up from his ‘native’ posture to his fat guy posture. DEZ (innocently) Oh, hey dudes. SAM OH, HEY DUDES? DEZ (cutely) ...you’re mad. PETER What are you doing? DEZ Well, y’know, people started to get that whole ‘END OF THE WORLD’ itch and it just sorta...blossomed. SAM Blossomed. Fantastic. DEZ Yeah, it kinda went all ‘Lord of the Flies’ up here since...well, just about instantly actually. PETER Do we know what happened yet? Dez shrugs. PETER (CONT’D) Well, we went down to the lobby. All of our cell phones are gone and we’re locked in except for the garage door. It’s unlocked. 49.
INT. MARK’S OFFICE - SAME TIME The garage door handle lands on Mark’s desk. Francis nods in Mark’s direction. FRANCIS They’re in. Mark’s shadow nods back as Francis turns to leave. INT. HALLWAY - SAME TIME SAM I’m sure the gate is closed, but we can cross that bridge right before we burn it the fuck down and get outta here. DEZ Rock. They all turn and walk away, side by side. PETER (to Dez re: the chase) How’d you do all that stuff? DEZ Billy Blanks dude. PETER No way. DEZ Shyeah... Silence. DEZ (CONT’D) (violent karate gesture) Tae Bo! INT. HALLWAY - LATER Peter, Sam and Dez are rounding corners in silence. PETER I have to use the John. DEZ Good, ‘cause that’s where we’re headed. 50.
PETER Why? DEZ There’s a guy we gotta see. He’s, plugged in. Peter and Sam are confused. They approach the bathroom, all’s quiet. Peter moves for the door. Dez jumps in front of him. DEZ (CONT’D) You can’t just walk in, man. There’s a protocol. Dez gives the door a secret knock/scratch configuration and quickly jumps out of the way. Peter stays in front. It swings open, smooth and full, almost like magic. Peter jumps slightly. A bright, golden glow emanates from inside. A bit of fog is spilling out, obscuring our view. Peter looks back at Sam and Dez, slightly scared. She holds out her hand toward the bathroom. SAM By all means. Peter smiles sarcastically at her, turns back toward the door and takes a step. Before he can complete his move a figure appears, stepping from the fog. He’s tall, skinny with receding hairline. Fur leggings around his legs. Cowboy boots. A giant scepter. No shirt. This is GIBBS. PETER Heeeeeyyy... No clue who this is. PETER (CONT'D) ...you. Gibbs slams his giant scepter down on the ground. GIBBS Before ye can pee, thou must answer me, these questions three! 51.
Sam’s eyes are wide open in shock. Peter stands, silent. Gibbs says nothing else. PETER (softly) Ummm, what..what are the questions. GIBBS Do not rush me mortal! Gibbs slams his scepter down hard. It makes Peter and Sam jump back. DEZ Hey, it’s cool bro. We’re cool. We come in peace. SAM Just get on with it. GIBBS Get on with YOU!...question time. Peter crosses his arms and does a little pee dance. Waiting. GIBBS (CONT'D) The popular cocktail, screwdriver, contains what alcohol? PETER Uh, Vodka, orange juice annnnnd.... SAM No, just vodka. He only asked what alcohol. GIBBS Correct! Peter sticks his hand out behind him toward Sam, she gives him five. GIBBS (CONT'D) Number two! A latte consists of what? PETER Dude, what’s with the drink questions? Peter’s pee dance ramps up slightly. 52.
PETER (CONT'D) Umm, espresso and milk? GIBBS Correct! Peter and Sam smile. Dez lifts his hand for a high five, denied. PETER Number three baby! GIBBS Question number three! Peter, still dancing, has this in the bag. GIBBS (CONT'D) What!...is my name? Gibbs cocks his head to the side, like he’s so clever he even surprised himself. Peter and Sam look at each other. Concerned. They look back at Dez, nothing. Peter holds a finger up to Gibbs, to wait. He turns to Sam, expectant look on his face. PETER (whispering) Gerald? SAM No. ...Leslie? Peter snickers at this. PETER ...Rasputin!? DEZ Charlemagne! Peter slaps Dez in the face. Gibbs slams his scepter to the floor once more. GIBBS Answer! Peter turns back toward Gibbs, thinking. He opens his mouth to speak. 53.
PETER ...alright...here’s the thing... GIBBS Really? After 5 years, really? PETER C’mon, it must be different departments or something. Gibbs is shaking his head. PETER (CONT’D) ...something? SERIES OF SHOTS: 1. Gibbs is behind Peter at the security desk, laughing and trying to engage him in conversation. Peter doesn’t notice. 2. Gibbs is in the elevator with Peter when he runs into the mirrored wall. 3. Gibbs sits in the chair that Dez was humping earlier. His eyes show disgust but he’s trying to be sporting about it. END SERIES. Gibbs is sad and just turns to head back inside. Peter jogs after him. PETER (CONT’D) I’m sorry. Gibbs, come on! Gibbs! It’s Gibbs! Peter is surprised he knows the name. GIBBS Too little too late, Peter. Just use the stall and leave, please. Peter dances past Gibbs, bursting at the seams. He points back at Dez and Sam to try and console him. They sit on either side of him, rubbing his back. GIBBS (CONT’D) It’s just, why does this keep happening to me? Am I that big a loser? SAM Nooo. DEZ No way, buddy. 54.
Gibbs sniffles slightly. SAM (CONT’D) It’s just that...we’re... Sam shoots an eye at Peter who is now finishing up at the urinal. PETER We’re just so focused on the bad people in the office that sometimes we miss the good ones. Sam approves. SAM Yes, exactly. Too much time plotting against the douchebags, not enough time, um... PETER Yeah, he gets it. Sam slumps. Dez looks at the three, assessing. Gibbs starts to smile slightly. DEZ ...and, WE’RE BACK! GIBBS Ok. So, what’s up? SAM We need to know what exactly went on up here so we know how to fight it. GIBBS Well, it’s Mark. He sorta, took the reigns when everything went dark. Started to bogart all of the food and water. Recruited at least half of the office. Most of them did it just because he had all the food, they were hungry. Everybody else has starved. I was smart enough to run here and claim it for myself. Not bad, eh? PETER Yeah, livin’ the dream. 55.
SAM Do we know what’s happening outside in the real world? And do we know how slow Mark acted so fast in his own favor here? Blank stares and shaking heads. DEZ Fuck it, let’s go lynch that bitch. PETER Whoa, wait. I mean, can’t we just get outta here? Why do we have to fight Mark? DEZ You really wanna go out like that? You want Sir Prickington to best you? YOU? Peter looks at Sam. She shrugs her shoulders. He looks at Gibbs. He’s smoking a joint and not listening. He looks back at Dez. PETER Fuck it. Dez leaps up. DEZ Yeah! That’s...half the attitude I wanted. But it’s good enough. Let’s go. SAM Where are we going? INT. BULLPEN OUTSKIRTS - NIGHT Peter, Sam, Dez and Gibbs stand staring, slack-jawed at a large compound. There are young shirtless men standing guard over gates made of cubicle walls. The men look like Abercrombie & Fitch models. Cut. PETER Fuck. INT. AIR DUCT - NIGHT The rat is dead. Rodge is shimmying away. 56.
RODGE (mumbling) You don’t tell me toilet paper isn’t a food group. Beat. RODGE (CONT’D) YOU DON’T, RAT! INT. BULLPEN OUTSKIRTS - NIGHT Still in front of the compound, the four look puzzled. SAM Where did all these dudes come from? GIBBS I think it was some corporate video being shot downstairs or something. Doesn’t matter. These people are serious about their shit. We can’t just go waltzing in there, they’ll never even let us reach the gate. Gibbs stops and thinks for a moment. A thought dawns on him. He starts to strip off his goat leggings. GIBBS (CONT'D) Follow my lead. Gibbs, now in some sort of jockstrap/loin cloth abomination, looks at Peter and Sam, they cringe slightly. He turns back around and walks toward the gates. Dez is completely nude. SAM (to Dez) No! Two men are standing in front of the gates, holding makeshift office weapons. They’re chatting. Gibbs approaches, slowly. At the sound of his voice they turn and draw weapons. GIBBS I’ve come to worship m’lady. He drops to his knees. 57.
We see Peter and Sam mouth to each other ‘m’lady?’. Dez is putting his clothes back on. One of the young men motions for Gibbs to rise. The other performs the secret knock on the gates for them to open. They do. Sam, Peter and Dez walk up behind Gibbs, fully clothed. Gibbs looks back at them. GIBBS (CONT'D) What the fuck? PETER What? GIBBS By ‘follow my lead’ I meant do as I do. DEZ That...would be ridiculous for us, to do... GIBBS Whatever. Let’s go. INT. COMPOUND - CONTINUOUS The four arrive at a large gate with a giant man guarding it. He steps aside and it swings open wide. In front of them is a lavish throne room. Velvet hanging from the walls, exotic plants, and lots of men, all dressed the same way as the previous. A large pile of rubble sits below a huge hole in the ceiling and atop the rubble sits a throne occupied by Margie. She is Regal. Sexy. Exotic. Our heroes enter and quickly, there are weapons drawn. MARGIE Hold! GIBBS (coyly) Heeeeeeey Margie. 58.
MARGIE Randall. PETER Randall? GIBBS It’s my- MARGIE It’s his first name, fool. Peter looks confused. PETER Gibbs Randall? Were your parents dyslexic? Sam slaps him on the arm. Gibbs clears his throat and looks back to Margie. GIBBS Nice digs ya got here. He reaches out to a man in front of him with a sharp stick pointing at him, touches it. GIBBS (CONT'D) ...sharp. MARJORIE (interrupting) What can I do for you? Peter steps up, weapons move closer to him, he steps back. PETER We need your help. MARJORIE Next to Hot Pockets that’s the most precious of commodities around here. PETER Look, we know what you have, what you want and what you can do. All we’re asking is... MARGIE (interrupting) You haven’t been here. While you and your girlfriend... 59.
Peter and Sam look at each other and refute this. MARGIE (CONT’D) ...were upstairs playing sexy tech support the rest of us were down here, fighting. Surviving. Sam rolls her eyes. SAM It’s been two hours! What were you fighting? A cold?! Margie snaps her fingers and spears appear at the four’s throats. DEZ Whoa whoa, ok. Let’s calm down here. Margie, I would be willing to have sex with you to end this right now. Marjorie thinks for a moment. She raises her hand and dismisses her men. DEZ (CONT’D) Whoa, legit? He smiles and starts loosening his pants rhythmically. DEZ (CONT’D) Yasss, bitch, yaaasssssss. Margie stands up and slowly walks down the pile of rubble toward them. She walks up to Dez and grabs him by the hand, his face lights up as she leads him to Gibbs. DEZ (CONT’D) Umm, I GUESS I can get down with this, I mean as long as our balls don’t touch... MARGIE (interrupting) Kiss him, with tongue, and I’ll help you. Gibbs and Dez’s eyes widen with shock as they shake their heads no. PETER Fuck yes. SAM Oh, thank you lord. 60.
Peter and Sam, all smiles, step back and wait for the show. DEZ You’re fucking with us. GIBBS (to DEZ) We can do this. DEZ Yeah, I could also start sticking a toothbrush up my ass in the shower ‘cause Oprah says a colonic will stimulate my chakra but I prefer to just let my poop do the work. All are dead eyed at this. Margie snaps back to. MARGIE Suit yourself. She turns to leave. Peter and Sam jump to attention. SAM Guys, you have to. It’s the only way. Margie turns back around and crosses her arms, waiting. Dez looks at Gibbs, then at Margie and sighs defeated. He moves in to Gibbs slow, disgusted. His eyes are closed. Gibbs doesn’t look as disgusted as he should, slowly moves toward Dez. We see their tongues, close. ...closer, until, they touch and slowly move into each other’s mouths. Sam’s expression is jovial. Peter is disgusted. Margie is laughing. Suddenly, their resistance falls slightly, then more and more. Dez and Gibbs’s embrace becomes truer. Their arms wrap around each other, steady and full. 61.
Everybody’s reactions turn to disbelief. Dez and Gibbs have fallen into real passion. INT. COMPOUND - NIGHT Our hero’s are sitting around a campfire now. Bellies full. Margie and Sam are chatting, gleefully. Most of the men are standing at attention, but still comfortable. Dez and Gibbs are sitting next to each other, their fingers intertwined as they gaze into each other’s eyes. Peter still can’t process this. His mouth hangs slightly open as he intently watches the two’s new found love. Sam smacks him on his arm. SAM Leave them alone. They’re cute. PETER I just, I’ve known Dez a long time and I never... MARJORIE Just call me cupid. Peter shakes it off. PETER Well, I guess it’s time to mount our offense, yeah? RANDY Oh, there’s gonna be some mounting, that’s for sure. Dez slaps his arm playfully. DEZ You’re bad. Peter rolls his eyes. EVERYBODY YEAH! MONTAGE: Gibbs and Dez are out amongst the downtrodden, bread in hand. 62.
The happy, gay couple look like they’s running a mobile soup kitchen. All who eat follow them. Peter is having trouble recruiting a group of men. He holds out food, they don’t budge. Gibbs and Dez lead their man back to the compound, around a corner, Margie is standing with a weapon, hands it to the men, one after another. Sam approaches a lethargic group of men, half asleep. She flashes food, they don’t care. She thinks for a minute. She lifts her shirt, the men perk up immediately. Peter lifts his shirt, nothing. Sam’s guys all follow her back to the compound. They receive their weapons. Peter is mad. He storms off. We see the men were in disguise. Rambo, Mad Max and Tarzan sneak off as Peter leaves. Gibbs and Dez find the elderly Nazi, sitting in her corner, lit by fire. Maniacal facial expressions. Montage music stops. GIBBS Honey... Her gaze shoots up burns through them. GIBBS (CONT’D) ...you’re giving me Joan Collins...AND I LOVE IT. Montage music up again. All of our heros are in the compound, giant training sequence. Chinese monk style. END MONTAGE. 63.
INT. CORNER OFFICE - NIGHT Mark is shrouded in darkness, we can’t really make out what he looks like or what he’s wearing. Francis, Rambo, Mad Max and Tarzan stand in front of him. MARK They’re doing what? FRANCIS They’re organizing a coup. They’ve been out recruiting for a while now. Our infiltrators have confirmed it. MARK Ok, we’ll play. Silence. MARK (CONT’D) Ready phase: FISH TOE. Francis nods and falls in line. The others fall in behind him. MARK (CONT’D) ...and show Peter what it’s like to tangle with the king. Francis smiles slyly. FRANCIS Yes sir. They scurry off. As they pass the outside window, so too does the Old Nazi. Close on her eyes, shooting pure fire into his soul. Close on Mark’s eyes, darting left and right, sweat dripping down his forehead. INT. OUTSIDE COMPOUND - NIGHT Sam and Peter have snuck out of the compound to take a walk. Peter is walking backwards. PETER See, I’m a natural. 64.
SAM You’re just walking backwards, that’s not a moon walk. PETER I beg to diff- Peter trips over something, falling back first to the floor. PETER (CONT'D) Shit. Sam laughs at him. She reaches out a hand to help him up. He grabs her hand, instead pulls her down. They stare deep into each other’s eyes. SAM I think I could stay here forever. Peter thinks for a hot second. PETER My legs might end up cramping a bit after the first hour, but I’m game. She smiles as she rolls off to lie beside him. SAM Seriously though, I mean, it’s a little crazy maybe even a little dangerous. We have to overthrow the quickest rise to czar ever, but...I’m having fun. PETER Wait, HERE as in THE OFFICE HERE? SAM I don’t know, my life outside isn’t anything to write home about and, with the exception of the next level stupidity of this whole endeavor, I’m kind of enjoying myself. PETER Plus, y’know...this. Peter circles his finger around his face, trying hard to be cute. She slaps his arm playfully. 65.
SAM Don’t go gettin’ soft on me, Bogart. PETER I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Another long look between the two, almost melting into a kiss when suddenly, two spears poke into their cheeks. SAM Kinky. INT. COMPOUND - NIGHT Margie, Dez and Gibbs are around the campfire. The men are sleeping behind them. GIBBS I wonder where our little hero’s ran off to? He moves to get up. DEZ Leave them be. They need a little alone time, I’m sure. He sits back down and rubs his hand on Dez’s leg. MARGIE Why don’t we see what sort of activities we can come up with. Y’know, to pass the time. Gibbs looks at Dez, they both smile and look back at Margie. CUT TO: INT. COMPOUND - NIGHT Marjorie is sitting, dissatisfied, chin resting on her palm. Gibbs and Dez and about 30 of the men are shirtless and dancing to house music. 66.
INT. CORNER OFFICE - NIGHT Peter and Sam are marched into Mark’s office, their hands bound. Upon entering, their faces show shock. We see Mark, splayed out like Brando in Apocalypse Now. He is wearing a robe and sheathed in shadow. Sweaty. Peter and Sam are dropped to their knees in front of him. MARK Have you ever considered...any real freedoms? Mark swishes a wash cloth in a bowl of water as he sits up, still mostly caught in shadow. MARK (CONT'D) Freedoms from the opinions of others... He raises the wet wash cloth to his head and lets the water drip down the back of his neck. Peter and Sam haven’t taken their eyes off of him. They’re mesmerized. MARK (CONT'D) ...even the opinions of yourself? He fills his hands with water and splashes it on his own face. MARK (CONT'D) Did they say why, Peter? Why they want to terminate my command? Peter and Sam look at each other, puzzled. MARK (CONT'D) What did they tell you? PETER Dude, this is crazy...and your Brando needs some work. Caressing his sweaty head, Mark’s face pokes through the shadow slightly. 67.
Mark stirs in his seat and sighs heavily. MARK Are you an assassin? Peter perks up assuredly. PETER I’m an I.T. Professional. Mark’s face finally emerges from the shadow to be fully illuminated. MARK You’re neither. You’re an errand boy...sent by grocery clerks...to collect a bill. PETER And scene! Mark rises, his robe falls open and we see too much. Peter and Sam cringe, his manhood ten inches from their face. Mark turns and walks toward the window. The drapes are drawn. He brushes his hands against the fabric lightly and turns around to face them once more. MARK As luck would have it, our dear friends in the land of ice saw fit to reign doom upo- The curtain behind collapses on top of Mark’s head. MARK (CONT’D) Shit! Behind the curtain is the window only half covered with shutters, held in place with the trophy Mark had thrown earlier. Mark still struggles under the curtain and is almost free before recognition dawns on Peter and Sam. Through the window, we can see the city. Lit and vibrant as ever. Searchlights from downtown clubs. Skyscrapers lit up top to bottom. Cars winding down the freeways. MARK (CONT’D) No no no, fuck! 68.
PETER I knew it. I KNEW it! SAM You di- PETER I knew that Nodic fuck was full of it. Sam rolls her eyes. SAM Of course. Mark is struggling to affix the curtain once more. Behind Peter and Sam, through the blinds to the bullpen, a small set of eyes gaze through in astonishment. Finally, getting the curtain back on it’s hook, Mark turns around and catches his breath. MARK Odds you didn’t see that? Peter and Sam narrow their eyes at Mark, focusing on his stupidity. MARK (CONT’D) Oh well. SAM What the fuck did you do? MARK I’ve taken my life into my own hands and become a king. He sweeps his arms around, taking in his “kingdom”. PETER You did...YOU did this? How? MARK (almost proudly) I paid a crackhead to smash up the fuse boxes downstairs. 69.
INT. MAINTENANCE ROOM - EARLIER A skinny, blotchy, entirely fucked up crackhead with a pipe hanging out of his mouth is smashing the shit out of the wall of fuse boxes. Sparks fly. The crackhead laughs as Rodge screams and falls behind him in the lobby. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - NIGHT Mark is giddy in his oblivious genius, laughing. Suddenly, his face falls to deadly serious. MARK I am your God. He smiles again. PETER Dude. What the fuck? Why would you do- MARK (maniacal) Why?! Do you really not understand? I want you to think hard. Take that retard brain back a few years and thiiiiiiink. Peter shakes his head, lost for thought. He looks at Sam questioningly. She shakes her head, clueless as well. MARK (CONT’D) You’re gonna play this game? He growls. EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - EARLY 80’S - FLASHABCK Young Mark is five years old and walking his brand new bike around his cul-de-sac. MARK (V.O.) Five years old and my brand new bike is the shining jewel of my Nile. I prayed. (MORE) 70.
I begged my parents for a bike and they always said it was too dangerous. Young Mark still hasn’t hopped on to ride it. He just walks it and polishes it. Over and over. MARK (V.O.) Finally, they relented and there it was. Glory. Except... He tries to ride it and fails spectacularly, planting his face on the concrete but saving his bike from damage. MARK (V.O.) ...I didn’t know how to ride it. I busted my face open. Again and again. He gets up and tries and fails and tries and fails. MARK Sweat and tears filled my wounds and then, I saw...you. Young Mark is sitting on the ground, bruised in the face and on the verge of tears. In front of him, a little girl resembling five year old Sam walks slowly toward Young Mark, a look of concern in her eyes. Young Mark’s face lights up, he’s in love. He plays it up slightly, aiming for her sympathy. Just before she arrives at Young Mark, a boy resembling five year old Peter sweeps up behind her and plants his arm around her shoulder. She is smitten. Young Mark is appalled. Young Peter turns himself and Young Sam back to Young Mark, scoffs in his direction and reaches for the bike. MARK (V.O.) (young Peter mouths as Mark’s VO speaks) Nice bike, fag. Young Mark’s mouth falls open and tears stream harder and harder. MARK (V.O.) (CONT'D) 71.
Peter hops on the bike and immediately reaches for Young Sam, placing her on the handlebars in front of him. Young Peter reaches behind his ear and pulls out a bubble gum cigarette. He takes a slow puff and blows the bubble gum dust into the sky. He then takes the cigarette and flicks it into Young Mark’s face as he peels out and leaves a small dust cloud in his wake. Young Mark is alone. Crying. Forever broken. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - NIGHT Mark is a wreck. Peter and Sam are momentarily speechless. PETER Dude...I... Silence. PETER (CONT’D) ...I grew up in Japan. SAM Yeah, and I wasn’t even born yet. Mark sniffles sadly and snaps into realization. MARK Wait, seriously? Peter and Sam nod. Mark thinks. MARK (CONT’D) Oh. Well, you’re still a dick so, whatever. Shock. PETER What?! YOU are the dick. MARK You are! PETER You’re a fucking dick. MARK Dick. 72.
PETER You’re the dick! MARK Such a dick. SAM Guys. PETER Dick. Sam rams her shoulder into Peter’s to get him to stop. PETER (CONT’D) What? Dude’s a dick. Suddenly, the door flies open and Mad Max rushes in. MAD MAX Sir, they’ve mobilized and we’ve captured them. Mark smiles. MARK I’ve known your plan all along, Peter. And it seems your people decided to move forward without their fearless, dick- PETER (interrupting) Dick. MARK -leader by their side. Time to quash this little rebellion and finally secure you- He strokes Sam’s face and she pulls away violently. MARK (CONT’D) -as my Queen once and for all. He leaves, laughing maniacally. A split second before the door closes, he presses his lips to the opening. MARK (CONT’D) (whispering) Diiiick. 73.
He slams the door. PETER Fuck! SAM What do we do now? PETER Well, he’s gotten everybody, I don’t know what else we CAN do. SAM There’s gotta be a way to get.. Sam struggles a little too hard with the ropes and starts to sob. PETER Hey, hey, come on. Peter tries to soothe her, she’s still crying. SAM (crying) I just...I’m so stupid. PETER What? No. SAM (crying) I can’t be happy. The second I get comfortable and start to care about somebody, God shits all over me. PETER Hey! Stop it! We’re gonna get outta here, ok? I promise. BANG! The office door bursts open and in runs Mad Max again. MAD MAX We don’t have much time. They’ll find out any minute now. He starts to untie them. PETER What? What’s going on? 74.
MAD MAX I saw! I saw through the blinds that nothing happened outside. I wanna go home. SAM What about everybody else? MAD MAX I lied. I just needed to get Mark outta here for a minute. The ties are loose enough that they can wiggle out. Peter and Sam rise quickly and head for the door. MAD MAX (CONT’D) No, not that door, this one! He points to a little makeshift secret entrance in the wall. PETER Thanks buddy, nice Mad Max by the way. Mad Max gets a little choked up and smiles. Peter smiles back. MAD MAX Thanks, man. All three run out the passage and break for freedom. Mark runs back into the office, furious. They’re all gone, ropes on the floor. Mark pounds his desk, screaming. Francis, Tarzan and Rambo scream along side him. He stops and slaps Francis in the face. Francis straightens up fast. FRANCIS Sir. MARK I want them back! Dead or alive! INT. OUTSIDE COMPOUND - NIGHT Peter, Sam and Mad Max’s run is slowing, out of breath. 75.
PETER We have to act now. Before he has a chance to retaliate. MAD MAX I know his plans. We’ll be fine. SAM I can’t fucking believe he’s been keeping this a secret, we have to tell everybody. As they approach the front gates to the compound, they overhear Margie, Dez and Gibbs talking. GIBBS (O.C.) You know what I mean though? It’s like, in here, in this world, I feel like I have purpose. I have friends. I have a life. Peter and Sam look at each other, concerned. Listening intently. GIBBS (CONT’D) I have you. He looks at Dez. GIBBS (CONT’D) Outside, I just go home, make a T.V. dinner and fall asleep to Tae Bo infomercials. Dez gasps. DEZ You too? Dez and Gibbs embrace. MARGIE Me too. RANDY No way. You MUST own this town. Looking the way you do. MARGIE Men are intimidated by me. My cat just died. I’m behind on my rent and mom won’t speak to me. She pauses, flustered. 76.
MARGIE (CONT’D) In here, I...I feel like maybe I matter. DEZ Oh, honey. We’re family now. Sam pulls Peter and Mad Max away from the gates. PETER What do we do about this? SAM I’m not sure if anyone is going to want to hear this, but, who says we have to tell them? Mad Max doesn’t say anything. PETER Why? SAM Because I’ve fallen in love with... Her eyes say ‘...you, Peter’, her mouth does not. SAM (CONT’D) ...this adventure. I have nothing on the outside and everything right here in front of me. I want to waste away in the fake apocalypse with you...and those idiots. Peter stares into her eyes and thinks. PETER Yeah, fuck it. Let’s take this son of a bitch down. I have a plan. Sam looks at Mad Max. SAM I know you want to go home, and I promise you we’ll make that happen, but I need you to not say anything in the meantime, ok? Mad Max nods slowly. PETER Alright, let’s get jiggy wit it. 77.
SAM Whoa whoa whoa, hold on a sec there Puff Daddy, what are we gonna tell them? PETER We’ll figure it out. INT. COMPOUND - CONTINUOUS Mad Max is standing with spears to his throat while Peter and Sam talk over each other, doling out stories to the others. PETER BOOM! They burst in through the door and grab us after we had just saved these babies from the toilet and they drag us to the closet and made us eat these things that they SAY make you tell the truth but in reality were probably just candy. So, Mark comes in and gives us a speech but he didn’t realize that Max here was trained in the secret art of knottery, so we slipped out of the ropes and ran off before he knew what hit him and came back here to meet you guys, but it’s ok, WE HAVE A PLAN. SAM And then all the lights burst it was raining down fire, like in a Die Hard movie only, I’m a woman so I look way better in a tank top. But we dodged that but hit our heads and then woke up chained to the stairs. Well, good thing that bear came along and chewed through the chains just in time to jump out of there and save those puppies from the tornado. Max was there, throwing puppies all over the place, but he’s fine now so we brought him back, it’s dark out there but it’s ok, WE HAVE A PLAN. Margie, Dez, Gibbs and the rest are wide eyed. MARJORIE Ummm... Sam and Peter, on either side of Mad Max, have shit-eating grins on their faces, rubbing his shoulders. MARGIE ...whatever. The guards drop their weapons. INT. COMPOUND - LATER Our heroes sit around the fire, scheming. 78.
PETER Ok, so, our plan should still hold water. I’d say they have about 30 men and twice as many weapons. (to Mad Max) Sound about right? MAD MAX Yeah, they’re pretty well fortified, but with a little finesse you should be fine. SAM Mark’s gone off the deep end. He thinks he’s a God. He’s intent on killing us all. DEZ Well, you just say the word and our boys are on the front line. He points behind him to the guards. SAM YOUR boys? MARGIE (defeated) It’s a whole thing. PETER Ok! Well, unless there are any objections, I say we light this mutha up. Peter rises from the fire and claps his hands together, a slow clap. Everybody smiles, nobody joins the clap. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - NIGHT Mark is rallying his troops. Yelling, loud and proud. MARK These are very dangerous people! Mark’s men stand in rigid formation. He paces in front of them. MARK (CONT'D) They’ve escaped our grasp with one of our own. Best laid plans and all that nonsense, no mind! We forge on. (MORE) 79.
No doubt they’re bringing the fight to us any moment. Men, formations! The men fall away fast as Mark files back into his office. Rambo and Tarzan fall into guard position. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Marks sits down, crosses his fingers and waits. INT. COMPOUND - NIGHT The good guys stand at somewhat looser attention than Mark’s men. Peter is walking back and forth in front of everybody, Braveheart style. PETER Today, we gather. Not for me...not for you...or you...WE GATHER, for it is our DESTINY! Too long have we been oppressed. Forced to eat whatever we can forage from inside the microwave. Forced to drink from the toilet. Crumbs thrust upon us on the pelts of dead rats. Our health is waning. Our spirits, low. No more! People are amping up. They start to bang their weapons together, furiously. To howl. To jump up and down. Peter’s speech is now drowned out by the overwhelming noise of the troops. Margie, Gibbs, Dez, Mad Max and Sam are in the front of the crowd. The former four are hooting and hollering with the rest. Sam is still, her gaze fixed upon Peter...fixed in amazement. She smiles big. He smiles back, while still talking. We can hear Peter again at the end. PETER (CONT'D) ...that they may take our sour cream and chives, but they’ll never take OUR FREEDOM! The crowd roars once more. MARK (CONT'D) 80.
Peter thrusts his weapon in the direction of the gates, the crowd barrels through them at a furious pace, they’re gone into the night. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - NIGHT Our heroes head up the men. Peter is throwing hand signals every which way, the men start to break off from behind them. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - MOMENTS LATER A guard is standing at attention, alone. He is pulled back into the brush, picked out of thin air. Whip around to another guard further down, same thing. Another further down the path. And another. Peter and Sam’s heads poke out opposite sides of the path. They step out and continue on. Coming upon Rambo and Tarzan on guard, Peter and Sam hide away and keep watch. Approaching straight up the middle is Gibbs and Dez now dressed in super gay, Michael Jackson’s ‘Bad’ costumes, weapons away, not a care in the world. Rambo And Tarzan notice and pounce, holding spears to their throats. They both hold their hands up. Gibbs looks up and down at their outfits. DEZ ...cute. From above and behind them, we here somebody clear their throat. They look away from Gibbs and Dez, up to the noise. There stands Margie, Mad Max and 10 men, triumphantly perched on top of cubicles and office chairs. The guards whip back around to Dez and Gibbs holding weapons to their throats. Gibbs and Dez high five each other. 81.
GIBBS (to Rambo) The verdict is in, guilty of fashion. DEZ No, I told you that doesn’t make sense. Dez and Gibbs lose their concentration momentarily. RANDY It can! It has levels! Rambo breaks free and lunges! Margie, Mad Max and the others jump down and join in. From deep left, behind the battle, a large influx of ‘good guys’ comes storming in, hard and fast. From deep right, the opposition charges. They meet in the middle as the battle begins! Peter and Sam, still hiding in the brush, take their cue to sneak into Mark’s office. Sam sees Mad Max fall and get pinned. She stops to help, Peter pulls her back to the task at hand. PETER They’ll be fine. We gotta do this. Sam looks concerned, but carries on. INT. CORNER OFFICE - NIGHT Mark is poised behind his desk, Francis stands in front, both waiting for the inevitable breach. Peter kicks in the door, Sam’s in fast but Francis’s ready. He grabs her and wraps his arms around her. Without hesitation, Peter is in the room, jumping over Mark’s desk landing a boot straight to his face. Peter pops up from behind the desk with Mark in his grasp. They stare at each other. Mark and Sam, at the same time, break free as the real battle begins. 82.
Sam Vs. Francis Peter Vs. Mark Punches fly. They’re all yelling at each other during the fight. MARK Well, I guess you think you’ve both bested me. It was a noble effort, it really was. Mark throws a punch, Peter blocks it. Peter throws a punch, Mark blocks it. SAM Give it up, fuck ass. Francis stomps on Sam’s foot. FRANCIS Don’t you dare talk to him that way. Sam lands a punch square on Francis’s jaw, spinning him around and dropping him to the floor. She kicks straight at his face and we hear a slight whimper. Peter knees Mark in the gut and pushes him over his desk. Mark peeks back up, pensive. PETER What now big boy? SAM Give us the boat keys and we’ll leave. Mark laughs. PETER Or we can just take them and beat the shit outta you. Mark leans down and picks up the canvas bag Francis had dropped off when it all began. He holds it high and smirks in Peter and Sam’s direction. MARK You’re forgetting that there’s no way out. Your phones control the garage gates...and I’ve- 83.
He loosens the top of the bag and begins shaking the contents out at his feet. MARK (CONT’D) -secured their release from- It’s not phones. It’s Rodge’s OTHER bag...it’s doll heads and jars of peanut butter. MARK (CONT’D) -yourGODDAMNIT. Mark flings the bag to his side and readies some karate position. Sam and Peter laugh. Mark charges them, they drop back into ready position. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - NIGHT The battle rages on outside. Both sides have lost people. Gibbs looks bruised and beaten but is still fighting. Dez and Margie are back to back, karate chopping dudes left and right. DEZ We’re bonding! Punch! MARGIE I’m sorry I haven’t been more supportive of you two. I guess I’m just lonely. Kick! DEZ Honey, we’re in this together. And there’s no other big tittied bitch in the world I’d rather be fighting with more than you. Kick punch! MARGIE You just amaze me. They both throw a punch at their respective baddies, dropping them fast. Gibbs runs up, out of breath. 84.
GIBBS We have to figure out what’s happening inside. MARGIE I trust that, depending on the next person to exit that office, we’ll know who won. A man slams into Gibbs after being punched by another, he turns the man around and punches him again. DEZ Honey, you’re doing sooo good! GIBBS Right?! Gibbs dance-fights his way back through the crowd. DEZ Go get ‘em! Suddenly, Mad Max is down on the ground, sword to the throat. The adversary, ready to plunge, pulls back just as Gibbs leaps to action, knocking the weapon away and slapping the man in the face. The man whimpers... EMPLOYEE Ow. ...and sulks away. MAD MAX Thanks buddy. GIBBS Anytime sugar. INT. CORNER OFFICE - NIGHT Mark charges Peter and Sam, they step aside. As Mark passes through, Peter reaches out and slaps him in the face. The slap turns Mark around 180 degrees, slamming his back into the door. Mark corrects himself quickly, screaming mad. 85.
SAM You’re just gonna hurt yourself again. He charges, throwing a right hook at Peter. Peter ducks it with ease and throws a jab to his stomach. Mark buckles on top of his desk. Sam walks over to the desk, pulls open the top left drawer and takes the boat key. Mark grabs her arm and slaps her in the face. Peter quickly runs up and places his hands around Mark’s throat. PETER Hear this, motherfucker... Mark is choking. PETER (CONT’D) ...if you EVER! touch her again, I’ll make sure you’re pissing into a bag for the rest of your useless, tragic life. Still struggling to breathe, a small tear breaks the surface of Mark’s eyes. Sam grabs for Peter’s hands, pulling them away from Mark’s neck. We see honest hatred in Peter’s eyes. SAM Leave him. He’s not worth it. Peter slowly lets go and backs away. Mark rolls to the floor. Sam reaches out and turns Peter toward her. She grabs his face and kisses him deep. They melt into each other. Pulling away, Peter looks into her eyes. PETER I love you. Sam’s eyes well up. SAM (sigh of relief) Oh thank God. (MORE) 86.
I’m not sure how I would have handled any sort of rejection after what I thought was sure thing. Oh, shit, your lips are fantastic. She kisses him once more. Mark moans from behind the desk. Sam pulls away. SAM (CONT’D) Ok, we gotta go. PETER Wait, can I just... Peter moves his hand down toward her boob and squeezes ever so slightly. PETER (CONT’D) ...honk. She slaps him on the arm and they run out of the office. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS Peter and sam burst out Mark’s door. Dez notices them first. DEZ What happened? PETER I honked Sam’s boob! Dez high fives Peter. Gibbs smacks Dez’s arm. Old habits die hard. Everybody else just stares like Peter’s an idiot. PETER (CONT’D) ...and we got the key, I guess. If THAT’S the thing you wanna focus on... Margie is dropping the last bad guy. MARGIE Fantastic. Let’s go! They make a break for it, running out of the room furiously fast. SAM (CONT'D) 87.
INT. STAIRWELL - CONTINUOUS Our heroes burst through the doors and trip down flights of stairs. MAD MAX What happened in there? SAM It’s not important. We’re done here. She reaches for Peter’s hand and gives him a reassuring look. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - SAME TIME Mark drags himself across the floor to his closet and struggles to pull himself up. The closet swings open revealing his pharmacy. With his last drop of strength, he starts popping bottles, draining the contents of all. Drowning himself in powders and juices. Anabolics. Prednisone. Testosterone. Viagra. Every last drop emptied, Mark struggles to stand up. He groans and shakes. The groan grows into a growl. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS From outside Mark’s office, we hear the growl now turning to a scream. His silhouette against the office shades grows to inhuman proportions. Suddenly... BANG! The office door bursts off it’s hinges and flies straight toward us, obscuring our view of Mark as he runs directly behind it. From behind now, the elevator doors have been pried open and Mark has jumped into the empty shaft. From the top of the open shaft we see the figure sliding down the cables, sparks flying like crazy. 88.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - NIGHT Peter, Sam, Margie, Gibbs, Dez and Mad Max burst out the stairwell door into the lobby. PETER The garage. Stay on point! Mad Max is standing next to the garage door. MAD MAX Umm, guys. He points at the broken knob. SAM Shit. GIBBS What now? BANG! A huge sound from the elevator shaft. Everybody perks up and waits as the dust settles. The door slowly pries open. Through the dust, Bizarro Mark emerges. A foot taller, a foot broader. Bulging muscles jutting out. Bizarro is covered in sweat and protein powder making some sort of mud, dripping off his face. Looks of horror across the board until... MARGIE What the hell happened toHAHAHAHA! Margie notices that Bizarro has come with a gigantic erection in tow. Everybody else notices and starts laughing hysterically. Mad Max takes this moment to spring into action, lunging forward. Bizarro slaps him to the ground with ease, the laughter has stopped. PETER Run! 89.
Everybody breaks for the other side of the lobby, Peter stays behind, facing off against Bizarro. Sam looks behind her as she runs and sees Peter still there. SAM No! You can’t! PETER Go! Hide, I’ll let you know when it’s safe. Sam starts to tear up as she’s torn away by Margie. Peter turns back to Bizarro. PETER (CONT’D) I’m gonna fucking destroy you. Loud, angry scream from Bizarro as he begins his charge. Haymakers whirlwind around Peter’s head as he jumps back, trying to dodge the onslaught. Peter sees an opening and swings hard at Bizarro’s abs. Now rock hard, his punch bounces off. Bizarro kicks out hard at Peter’s chest and he flies into the garage door, knocking one of it’s hinges off. Clutching his chest in pain, Peter sees the broken hinge on the ground and realizes what he has to do. He pops up and stands in front of the door, goading Bizarro on. PETER (CONT’D) C’mon bitch. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours. Bizarro exhales deeply through his nose like a bull. He rushes. Peter steps aside and Bizarro slams into the garage door, knocking another hinge off. One to go. Doubling back behind Bizarro, Peter leads him away from the door. PETER (CONT’D) Bring it, fat boy. You don’t want Sam to see you scamper about, do you? Put some gusto into it! 90.
Bizarro charges but this time, catches Peter too fast. He picks him up mid-charge and slams him into the large marbled lobby wall. The others are watching from behind a corner and Sam gasps as she sees this. SAM No! Margie quiets her fast as they duck away and Bizarro shoots a look for the sound. Peter headbutts Bizarro and Bizarro drops him. Peter scrambles away, screaming for his attention toward the door. Bizarro’s look shoots up at Peter and he enters into his final descent. He barrels toward Peter. Bizarro dives. Peter dives. Into the door Bizarro goes, crashing through and into the garage. Peter jumps up to look through and sees Bizarro writhing on the ground, hurt. He looks back toward everybody else. PETER Go go go! They come running out toward Peter. Sam breaks free from the pack and jumps on Peter, kissing him frantically and hitting him on the chest. SAM Don’t EVER do that again! PETER (laughing sweetly) Ok. SAM Ever. Gibbs interjects. 91.
GIBBS Ladies, I hate to interrupt, but, uhh... We see Bizarro start to come to. PETER Yeah, let’s hit it. DEZ Don’t you mean ‘Let’s get jiggy wit it’? PETER (whining to Sam) You told them? Sam smacks Dez on the arm. SAM (to Peter) I’m sorry. The others laugh a little as they begin to run. INT. GARAGE - MORNING Into the garage, skipping past Bizarro, suddenly Rodge ducks out from behind a pillar. RODGE (calm) Hey Peter. Shock. PETER Rodge? Holy shit! RODGE Hey Peter. Peter is exhausted. PETER Buddy, you’re gonna have to be normal for a minute. RODGE Chocolate chip rat piss. PETER Great. Let’s go. 92.
They approach the Hummer/Boat monstrosity. MARGIE Yep, THAT’LL work. PETER Let’s go! Bizarro is back up and shuffling over toward them, slowly. MAD MAX Guys... PETER Everybody in the boat! Sam jumps up top with everybody as they shuffle into the cabin of the boat. She slams the hatch behind them and locks it. She looks at Peter and shrugs, waiting for approval. PETER (CONT’D) Good enough. Let’s do it. Sam hops down and slides into the passenger seat of the Hummer. INT. HUMMER - CONTINUOUS Peter jumps in and slams the door. Outside, they hear a BANG as Bizarro has reached them and is trying to turn the truck over. INT. BOAT CABIN - CONTINUOUS Inside the boat, everybody is quiet between slams. BANG! SCREAM! Silence. BANG! SCREAM! Silence. The Hummer rumbles to life. Sighs of relief all around as they start to move. 93.
INT. HUMMER - CONTINUOUS Peter throws his arms in the air. PETER Yes! He slams it into gear, grabs Sam’s hand and kisses it. PETER (CONT'D) Seat belts baby. INT./EXT. - HUMMER - MORNING Peter jams on the gas just as Bizarro slams it to two wheels, falling back on to four, it roars away. The Hummer races through the underground maze that is the garage while the boat skips behind. Stamping on the gas even harder, Peter and Sam start to scream as they approach the ramp up into the street. EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS BOOM! The Hummer/Boat bursts out of the security gate, hauling ass up the slope and ramping off the lip into traffic. The boat almost loses itself but rights and falls in line behind the Hummer. The security gate is stuck to the front. It makes a sharp right out the drive and speeds over the median toward another city street sloping down toward the water. INT./EXT. - HUMMER - MORNING Peter has his hand raised in joy after the great escape. PETER Wooo! (Blazing Saddles) Apps? We don’t need no stinking apps! He turns to check on Sam after the jump into the street. 94.
PETER (CONT’D) You ok? Everything in one piece? SAM Yeah, I’m fine. Just keep going. The harbor’s just down that way. PETER Alright. We should be there in about two minutes. SAM How are we gonna do this? Peter looks confused. SAM (CONT'D) For them? How do we do this? Peter’s face show’s recognition. PETER I don’t know, I guess, we go fast? INT. BOAT CABIN - CONTINUOUS Screeching around more and more corners, the people in the boat are falling wildly all over the place. MARGIE Good thing... Slide. Slam! MARGIE (CONT’D) ...I haven’t eaten... Slide. Slam! MARGIE (CONT’D) ...in two days. GIBBS You look so skinnyyyyy. Margie is flattered. Slide. Slam! 95.
INT. HUMMER - CONTINUOUS The Hummer is taking ever sharper turns and banging down city streets at a wild pace. SAM Peter! Watch where you’re going, you’re gonna get us killed. Suddenly, Peter takes a turn Sam wasn’t expecting. SAM (CONT’D) What are you doing? PETER I gotta do...a thing. Two seconds. EXT. FRAT PARTY - MORNING The frat party is in a shambles. Todd and a slew of other college kids bumble about drunk, happy and sad that world hasn’t ended. Large speakers flanking the front door blast out EDM and drink tables litter the side walk under pop up tents. Beer pong and cornhole strewn across the lawn. Todd raises his head and sees the Hummer barreling down in his direction. TODD Ummm... He looks around for anybody else to take notice. Nothing. TODD (CONT’D) Ummmmmm, guys? Nothing. He starts waving his hands for the Peter to slow down. He hears the engine rev higher. Closer and closer, Peter draws to the defunct party. Todd sees no way out and, at the last second, dives for his life as the Hummer rumbles onto the sidewalk at breakneck speed. He glances over his shoulder at Peter quickly, realization dawns as he recognizes him. 96.
Pause. Both characters are frozen in time, eye to eye, they both know who won this day. Unpause. The Hummer smashes through the DJ equipment and drink tables, pulverizing and catapulting them three stories high. Todd comes crashing down, shielding his head from falling debris. We hear Peter thorough the open car window, slowing drawing away. PETER Get a job! INT. HUMMER - CONTINUOUS SAM I’m not even gonna ask. He smiles. Peter sticks his head out the window and looks behind him, his eyes widen in horror. We see Bizarro a couple hundred yards away running through the rave fallout. PETER He’s still coming! Peter takes a hard right, placing him dead center in front of the water. He looks at Sam, reassuring eyes. PETER (CONT’D) Here we go. He grabs her hand, holding on for dear life. There’s tons of people standing outside a theatre under a marquee stating “Post-Apocalyptic Movie Madness!”. Everybody is in costume. Swamp Thing, stands behind Dracula, who’s next to Frankenstein which is in front of a whole horde of zombies. Standing in front of the pack is a man dressed in a giant shrimp costume directing the moviegoers on where to queue. 97.
Lord of the Files: Peter Battles Ragnar on New Year's Eve
Lord of the Files: Peter Battles Ragnar on New Year's Eve
Lord of the Files: Peter Battles Ragnar on New Year's Eve
Lord of the Files: Peter Battles Ragnar on New Year's Eve
Lord of the Files: Peter Battles Ragnar on New Year's Eve
Lord of the Files: Peter Battles Ragnar on New Year's Eve

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Lord of the Files: Peter Battles Ragnar on New Year's Eve

  • 1. LORD OF THE FILES Written by Nathan Helm Modern Draft 505.304.5294
  • 2. INT. APARTMENT - AFTERNOON - NEW YEARS EVE A television flutters through the channels, one after another. The intensity builds with each switch, switch, switch. CNN Earlier reports being confirmed. Ragnar Grimsson- SWITCH. ABC Ragnar Grimsson- SWITCH. MSNBC Ragnar Grimsson- The news programs all showing the same man. The same hulking, Aryan motherfucker. A Nordic god. A modern-day Viking if ever there was one. SWITCH. FOX Ragnar Grimsson, self-proclaimed “Viking God” saying he will crush America’s digital infrastructure tonight- SWITCH. AL JAZEERA -he will QUOTE crush America’s digital infrastructure tonight, New Years Eve, at midnight. SWITCH. CBS -at midnight. (cut to Ragnar) The new Viking age has come! Cower before your Nordic go- SWITCH. SUZANNE SOMMERS -gosh. You can just feel it, can’t you? (MORE)
  • 3. It isolates these select muscle groups right here and maximizes your efficiency in getting rid of that unsightly flab. On the television, Suzanne Sommers squeezes a thigh master seductively while talking into the camera, an infomercial from a long lost age. In front of the television is a man. Shaggy brown hair, slim build. This is PETER. He’s shoveling cereal into his mouth seductively while squeezing his own thigh master. He’s dressed for work, his tie draped over his shoulder. PETER Suzy Q, baby, I love you. He growls at the screen sexily. Suddenly, a bang on the apartment door. LANDLORD (O.S.) (gruff) We gotta gets in there and updates ya routers. Peter rolls his eyes and slams the bowl of cereal down beside him. He grabs a coat and sunglasses and makes for the door. PETER Nothing needs to be updated because nothing is- He swings open the door and finishes his statement to the landlord’s face. PETER (CONT’D) -going to happen! Lock up, will ya? Peter slides past the landlord and the cable men on his way out. The landlord shrugs. LANDLORD Goddamn commie Viking. He moseys inside Peter’s apartment as Peter jogs down the steps. SUZANNE SOMMERS (CONT'D) 2.
  • 4. EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS Feet shuffle to and fro and voices float about as we see Peter clear from a small group of people. Manic humans scurry in and out of view with arms full of batteries, gallons of water and canned goods. The streets are alive with mania. Peter hears bits of conversation as they pass him, most losing their cool. SOCCER MOM The Wal-Mart ran out of Special K! BURNOUT The dispensary’s dry, dude. A small group of Asians pass by loaded with batteries. OLD RACIST Chinks taking all the batteries for their Hello Kitties. Others are joyous at the thought of a new world order. ART STUDENT Good. Maybe Ragnar can achieve wage equality. He smiles and ducks around crazy, homeless prophets peddling salvation- HOMELESS PROPHET Jar up your souls for a dollar! -and elderly, spinster cat ladies, arms over flowing with end of the world portions of Fancy Feast. Ahead of him, a frat party rages, ready to usher in the next chapter in American history, the age of Ragnar. They have signs tied to shrubs out front exclaiming “Ragnar is my homeboy” and “Don’t take our porn!”. Legions of sloppy drunk dudes and sloppy sexy ladies filter in and out, the party spilling into the street. TODD Hey. Hey suit! TODD, a muscle bound meathead, calls after Peter. Peter ignores him. 3.
  • 5. TODD (CONT’D) Hey! Take that fucking monkey suit off and enjoy your life, corporate shill. Peter keeps walking. PETER Tuxedo. Todd moves closer after Peter. TODD Whaju say? PETER Nothing. Todd manages to get in front of Peter, stopping him in his tracks. TODD You can’t just mumble shit and walk away, suit. Ragnar commands it! The crowd cheers at the mention of the Viking’s name. Peter exhales. PETER Tuxedo. A monkey suit is a tuxedo, not this “corporate shill suit”. And I wear this corporate suit to my corporate job to make corporate money so I can buy my corporate groceries and jerk off to my corporate porn. So that when I pay my corporate shill taxes, numb nut pieces of shit like you can rest easy that as soon as you burn down this house because you’ve been living on a steady diet of beer, rape and weed, that firemen will come bail your worthless ass out. MY taxes make it safe for you to fail and fail again. Peter sees a girl behind Todd puking in one of the bushes and points at her. PETER (CONT’D) Ding ding ding, Chip! Looks like that one is all ready for you! 4.
  • 6. Everybody is silent but growing very angry. Peter turns and walks away and as soon as he hears the growls and footsteps, breaks into a run. Hard and fast around the corner. He’s smiling. Various turns has the drunken mob gaining and then losing ground, over and over. Peter sees a busy street at the exact right moment and cuts across seconds before the traffic takes over and kills the frat’s chances of catching up. Todd is pissed. A few women try and calm him down, he shakes them off, staring death into Peter’s eyes. Peter yells through the roar of traffic. PETER (CONT’D) (to Todd and the rest) Ragnar is a joke...kinda like your lives. He smiles and waves as he walks away. TODD Fuck you, man. They all slump down and turn back to the party and Peter continues on his merry way. Peter’s pocket starts vibrating and he reaches in to pull out his cell phone. He answers. PETER Yeah? Beat. PETER (CONT’D) Yeah. Beat. PETER (CONT’D) Yep. Beat. 5.
  • 7. PETER (CONT’D) Yep. He hangs up and slides the phone back into his pocket. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - SAMETIME A phone slams down on it’s cradle, a long, delicate hand attached. A woman rises from a desk. This is MARGIE. Tall, fierce, unforgettable Margie. Her red hair swishes side to side as she walks from her desk to the office door behind her. On the door, a plaque that reads MARK SCHOENFELD. She enters without knocking. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS MARK, a slick, 30-something executive, surrounded by pill bottles, is staring down the front of his pants, concern awash upon his face. MARGIE I just told h- Mark jumps, letting his waist band snap back. He tries to casually brush the pill bottles of the desk. They clatter and fall, loud and proud. MARK Goddamnit, Margie. She cocks her head at him, she doesn’t care. MARK (CONT’D) Where is he? MARGIE On his way. MARK Good. Get out. She turns around quickly and grabs the door knob, pulling it after her. 6.
  • 8. MARK (CONT’D) And don’t slam the- SLAM! Sigh. He moves to his closet door, opens it, and looks into a full length mirror. Suit coat off, he flexes his muscles in his tight, white button up shirt. He smiles to himself. Makes a little grunting noise and shuts the door. EXT. CITY STREET - SUNSET Peter rounds a corner and stops in his tracks, faced with a building. Tall, glassy, shiny, phallic. A plaque, haphazardly fastened to a bush declares it a field office of the Department of Energy. As Peter nears the building a woman approaches him, screaming. He stops, turns around and she lifts her shirt. Topless, the woman’s chest reads; Ragnar! The A’s encircle her nipples. She drops the shirt quickly and runs off. Peter holds out his hand. PETER I, I’m a slow reader! She’s long gone. He turns around, smirk returning to his face. He pulls his phone from his pocket once more and taps two or three times. The mechanical garage gate slides open in front of him and he enters, replacing the phone. INT. GARAGE - CONTINUOUS Cutting through the garage and humming to himself, Peter’s attention is taken toward the long, white fiberglass that seems endless to his left. 7.
  • 9. Slowly reaching the end, the front of a boat reveals itself. The boat is hitched to a black Hummer with brightly obnoxious flames streaked across the side. The truck and boat are parked long ways across 9 parking spaces next to the lobby door. Peter walks past it, shaking his head all the while in disbelief. As soon as he clears the monstrosity, he turns for a look at the douche-mobile in all it’s glory. Scrawled across the side of the boat are the words “Mark’s Wet Pussy” with a picture of a cartoon cat dressed as a pirate leaning on the 3-d name. A heavy sigh as Peter turns toward the inside lobby. INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - CONTINUOUS Peter walks through the giant marbled lobby toward the security desk that lies beyond. Approaching, he tilts his head towards the guard. PETER Rodge. RODGE is a skinny man with thick glasses, adult acne and maybe a small case of Down Syndrome. He smiles big and dumb as Peter says his name. Peter stands awkwardly for a moment. RODGE Hi Peter! He hands him a little white basket. RODGE (CONT’D) (mumbling) ...reinforced zombie defense systems and... Peter reaches for it. PETER What? RODGE What? 8.
  • 10. Peter unloads his pockets into the basket, uneasy. Rodge takes the basket back. RODGE (CONT’D) (mumbling) Tuesday Monday? PETER What? Rodge smiles an earnestly creepy smile while Peter steps through the metal detector. PETER (CONT’D) What’s happening here? No beep. RODGE (mumbling) No beep, no die... Peter stares, slightly dismayed. RODGE (CONT’D) Happy New Year! Rodge hands the basket back and immediately dips his hand in for Peter’s cell phone, turns it off and throws it into a bin underneath the desk. Peter looks bewildered. PETER Rodge, you wanna hand that back to me? RODGE Can’t have the ice monkeys listening. Nothing. Rodge points to a sign sitting atop the counter. It reads: Due to possible terrorist actions, mobile phones are not permitted at this time. Thank you. RODGE (CONT’D) (mumbling) Phone plan marzipan... Peter’s over it. 9.
  • 11. PETER Whatever. He turns and walks toward the elevators. A slender man in a short sleeved, white button up shirt has his head poking out from the elevator doors. He stares Peter down. This is FRANCIS. Peter doesn’t notice him until too late. PETER (CONT’D) Francis, hold the- Francis pulls his head back in and the doors close. PETER (CONT’D) -asshole. Peter pushes the UP button and waits. DING! Another arrives and Peter ambles inside, pushing the button for 15. INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS The elevator is mirrored floor to ceiling. With his back to the door, Peter stares into the mirror as the box slowly rises to near the top of the building. The doors ding and slowly slide open leaving Peter staring vacantly into a thick fog of busy work. He sighs and the elevator chimes as it’s doors begin to close. He jolts to life and rushes forward straight into the mirror. PETER Slut! A hand sticks in front of the elevator doors and stop them from closing. SAM (old timey) 15th floor! Shoes, bandages, DOUCHE bags. The voice reveals itself. A smarmy, sarcastic asshole who somehow is the most beautiful creature in the office. This is SAM. 10.
  • 12. Peter turns around fast, rubbing his forehead and trying to right himself. Sam sticks her hand out and ushers him through the doors. He smiles sarcastically at her while passing. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS Walking toward their desks, Sam rushes ahead two steps, turns and walks backward in front of Peter. SAM Inside twenty minutes, I’ve caught Mark doing pushups for my benefit and Dez has dropped trou to prove he’s half circumcised. Where the shit have you been? PETER Ooh, dinner AND a show? Lucky girl. She laughs sarcastically. He mocks her as he slings his bag over the back of the chair. He sits. SAM So, you ready to be techno-blasted back to the stone age? He rolls his eyes. PETER First of all, there isn’t some magic switch for them to just shut down America. Secondly- Sam is mouthing the words along with Peter, mocking him. He doesn’t notice. PETER (CONT’D) -Vikings don’t even come from- He notices. She smiles. PETER (CONT’D) -you know what? SAM What? 11.
  • 13. PETER You know what? SAM What? She’s goading him along. He opens his mouth to say something funny or mean and stops short. A miniscule twinkle in his eye, he just looks at her snarky ass and stops. PETER Nothing. He smiles a bit and turns away. SAM Pussy. Peter laughs out loud. Across the room and through a set of blinds we see Mark leering in Peter’s direction. His eyes narrow, contemplative. Francis walks up behind Peter and slaps him in the back of the head. FRANCIS You’re late. I’m telling Mark. PETER You fucking... Peter starts looking for anything within grabbing distance to throw at Francis, he doesn’t find anything and gives up, slumping in his chair. Sam chuckles. From across the office, Mark’s voice bellows behind his closed door. MARK Peter! Still slumped in his chair, Peter allows his body to continue downward until he’s below his desk. Sam laughs again just as Mark exits his office. His eyes lock on her and he waves her in. MARK (CONT’D) Sam. Come. 12.
  • 14. She rolls her eyes a bit and walks toward Mark’s office, the door shutting behind her. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Mark is psyching himself up in front of his full length mirror. Jumping up and down, breathing as if he were in labor. MARK You got this, son. You GOT this, SON. She’s about to meet the hammer. You’re the hammer, she’s the sickle. A little bang and slice. Even he doesn’t understand that last bit, his face contorting after saying it. He starts running in place like a linebacker, ready to obliterate. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - SAMETIME Sam turns the doorknob and enters Mark’s office. Mark is lounging behind his desk, oozing sexuality. Well, trying to anyway. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Sam moves to sit down in front of Mark but he rises before she does. He glides to her. He’s changed shirts to a tight black button-up that seems to accentuate his frame better. SAM Did you change your shirt? MARK No... He rolls his shoulders out to fill out the shirt even more. SAM I’m pretty sure you were wearing- MARK It’s not important. What IS important is... 13.
  • 15. Mark reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a set of keys with floating boat keychain on them. Boat keys. MARK (CONT’D) ...what are you doing for spring break? Sam’s eyes widen. MARK (CONT’D) I know. Prettttty impressive. You wanna see what’s downstairs? She can’t speak. MARK (CONT’D) That was an inuendoooo. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - SAMETIME Peter, still under his desk, sighs deeply. A pair of shoes approach and stand in front of him. DEZ While you’re down there my cock could use a little attention. Peter pokes his head out a little. PETER From what I’ve heard, it’s gotten plenty today already. A boisterous laugh from above. DEZ Wanna peek? PETER Keep that sideshow away from me. Peter crawls out and we now see DEZ, jolly, rotund, mid-30s. Peter seats himself and starts to unload his things out of his bag. Dez looms behind him silently. PETER (CONT’D) What’s up buddy? 14.
  • 16. DEZ (excited) Whatcha doin’ tonight? PETER Well, Dez, I’m spending my New Years saving this company and, apparently, the world from its unfounded fears of some faux-Viking shit lord reigning down icy doom in the form of ones and zeroes. Dez is trying to make that make sense...he’s not succeeding. PETER (CONT’D) The back-up Dez. I’m here all night because Mark is making us back up the systems. Why the fuck don’t you know that? Dez just shrugs. DEZ You wanna get outta here? PETER Of course...but I also wanna pay my rent...and buy that new Mix-a- Bullet. That thing is the tits. DEZ Let’s loot. PETER What? DEZ Looting baby. At the stroke of midnight, daddy go shopping. PETER You’re seriously gonna loot? DEZ Yeah dude, carpe dishwasher. PETER That’s appalling. Dez shrugs his shoulders and walk away. Peter turns back to him quickly. 15.
  • 17. PETER (CONT’D) Ooh! Get me a Mix-a-Bullet! Dez raises his fist in solidarity. DEZ Yeah papi. PETER Godspeed, twoskin. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - SAMETIME Sam is neck deep in reasons she, in fact, CANNOT accompany Mark on a spring break fuck-cation. Vafucktion? SAM So, you see, because of the reasons I’ve just laid out to you, all 17 of them, I must decline your invitation to- Mark is holding the key over his shoulder, as if it weighed a ton. He “drops” it behind him. MARK Ooops! He turns around and bends over slowly, brushing his ass against her front ever so slightly. She falls back against the door and holds in a dry heave. He rises, a twinkle in his eye and she feigns recognition of an invisible caller. SAM Yeah? I’ll be right there! Nobody’s calling her. SAM (CONT’D) Somebody’s calling me. MARK Think about it. SAM I gotta- He holds his finger to her lips. MARK You gotta think about it. 16.
  • 18. He winks at her as she turns and scurries through the door. Mark moves back to his desk and flips open a book laying on top. The book is titled, “Make That Bitch Love You” By: The RZA. It’s opened to a checklist half filled in. He makes a check mark next to; BOMBARD. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - SAMETIME Mark sticks his head out once again and yells for Peter. Across the room, Peter tries to hide, he can’t. No way out. Mark raises his finger and motions for Peter to come, turns and heads back into his office, door shutting behind him. Peter approaches the office and slows as he notices Margie passed out, face first, on her desk. Peter steps into the office and slams the door. The slam jolts Margie awake, comically. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Mark leans back in his expensive leather chair. He points to the low, terribly unattractive chair in front of his desk, offering Peter a seat. MARK Sit down, Peter. Peter gets smug. PETER No thanks. Mark gets smug. MARK Fine, stand. Peter sits, contradicting everything Mark does and says. He pulls a dollar bill out of his pocket and starts to fold, Mark takes notice but moves on. There is an obvious air of distaste in the room, between both men. Mark clears his throat. 17.
  • 19. MARK (CONT’D) How’s Sam? Peter narrows his eyes with confusion. PETER Sorry? MARK Simple question, Peter. How. Is. Sam? PETER She’s...fine? Mark leans back in his chair and sighs deeply. MARK There’s a lot of things I know, Peter. A lot. I know how she is. I know why she is. I know what she is. PETER (sarcastic) Do you know WHO she is? Peter cracks a very small smile. MARK No no, that’s, uh, that’s funny. We’ll see who’s laughing at midnight, funny boy. PETER The whole world, when they realize that this “Viking” threat is bullshit? MARK (under his breath and smiling) We’ll see. PETER What? Mark clears his throat. MARK Nothing. Get out. 18.
  • 20. Mark’s phone rings and he slams his hand down on the receiver, trying to be Captain Smooth Shit. He fails and the phone falls on the desk. He picks it up. MARK (CONT’D) (embarrassed) Go for Scho. Peter is rising slowly, wanting to witness more of the train wreck that is Mark. Mark snaps his fingers and orders Peter out. He pulls the phone from his face and whispers to Peter as he leaves. MARK (CONT’D) (whispering to Peter) And you suck at “oregahmay”. Enunciating ORIGAMI like a douche bag. MARK (CONT’D) (into the phone) Mom, don’t be a bitch. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS Exiting the office, Peter turns back toward Margie, now sleeping laid back in her chair with her feet up. Peter sails what we see now as a dollar bill paper airplane straight into her massive cleavage. MARGIE (eyes closed) That better be a 50 or I’m gonna staple your dick to your thigh. PETER Try my knee! His face is lit up by his own wit. He spins around and is halted by Francis. They stand nose to nose as Francis looks him up and down. FRANCIS What did you two talk about? 19.
  • 21. PETER The Mayan calendar. FRANCIS Bullshit. PETER Football. FRANCIS Bullshit. PETER Switzerland? FRANCIS Double bullshit, everybody hates Switzerland. Peter tilts his head, unaware that apparently everybody hates Switzerland. He shrugs his shoulders and tries to sidestep Francis. Francis follows step. FRANCIS (CONT’D) You stay off Mark. He’s mine to ride- Peter stays dead serious. FRANCIS (CONT'D) -and I’m gonna ride his ass until I get what’s coming. Until I get mine. Peter slaps Francis on his arm, steps around and away. Francis turns quickly, yelling. FRANCIS (CONT'D) I’m not joking, funny boy! Francis storms off. Peter sits at his desk. Sam is in her chair, her back to him. She spins around. SAM Rattling the cage again? PETER Always. Do you hate Switzerland? 20.
  • 22. Sam chuckles. SAM Nobody hates Switzerland. PETER THAT’S why you and me, we’re like, right there. Peter is motioning that their brains are on the same level. She chuckles again, agreeing. PETER (CONT’D) Why the shit are we the only ones in the whole damn building tonight? SAM Because we’re the best? Peter and Sam look across the office at Dez humping an empty office chair, slow and steady. Pure ecstasy. PETER ...nope. Peter turns back around toward Sam. PETER (CONT’D) I think it’s because we’re the only ones stupid enough to work for Mark and Mark is the only one stupid enough to volunteer to work on New Years fucking eve. SAM Ding! Ding! Tell him what he wins, Ragnar. (Viking accent that sounds vaguely Russian) Vee have chickens. He vin chickens. He has that look in his eyes again. It’s a love look. Big smiles, big heart. He shakes it off quickly. She turns away and back to her work. Peter does the same, turning his attention to his computer. He works for all of five seconds before he starts pounding the keyboard comically. Quickly he sticks his fingers under the keyboard and flips it end over end. 21.
  • 23. PETER Field trip? Sam looks up at Peter, confused. PETER (CONT'D) I gotta go to the place with the, thing...wanna come? SAM Does your Mom shit in the woods? PETER My Mom’s dead... Sam’s eyes widen in horror. PETER (CONT'D) Poison Ivy in the butt. You gotta be careful when.... Peter starts to laugh as Sam reaches across the desk and slaps him on the arm. PETER (CONT'D) ....when you shit in the woods. Peter rises from his chair and motions his head in the direction of the elevator. Sam shuts off her monitor and follows. Margie is lounged back in her chair, asleep again. Feet up on the desk. Her long, beautiful legs stretched out. Mark exits his office and sees her sleeping. He stands, arms crossed, staring at her for a moment before... BANG! He slaps the wooden desk, jolting Margie to life. Mark stares at her expectantly. MARK Well, if it isn’t Margie come lately. Slightly groggy, she fires back. MARGIE Are you involved in this little scenario? Because then, it’s probably more like ‘Margie come NEVER’. 22.
  • 24. She has a snide look on her face. MARK Why the fuck haven’t I fired you? Margie moves her eyes up and down her body slowly and then back up to Mark. MARK (CONT'D) (realization) Oh yeah. She smirks. MARK (CONT'D) Where’s Sam? Margie shrugs her shoulders. MARK (CONT'D) Where’s Peter? No answer, she just hikes her skirt up a bit. Mark says nothing, he just throws his arms up in defeat and walks away, not before trying to sneak a glance up her skirt though. He passes another employee. An older, soft, lonely looking woman. MARK (CONT'D) Where’s Sam? As she opens her mouth to presumably say, ‘I don’t know’ she gets cut off by Mark. MARK (CONT'D) (softly) I will FUCKING fire you. OLD WOMAN I’m a holocaust survivor. Mark is speechless. OLD WOMAN (CONT’D) ...and I’ll snatch those pretty, little teeth outta YOUR mouth too if you ever forget it, Jewbacca. Mark’s eyes go wide as he turns fast back toward Margie. 23.
  • 25. MARK (to Margie) Call the police. He trips through the door to his office, off frame and pops back up. MARK (CONT’D) And find Sam! MARGIE Why? The door slams behind him. From outside his office, we see the shades draw quickly. INT. ACCESS LEVEL - EVENING The elevator door chimes and opens. Sam and Peter step out. We hear a friendly argument as they walk. SAM They’re running around in bathing suits, saving kittens and disarming underwater bombs! PETER And? SAM And? And it’s completely ridiculous. It objectifies women and aligning them into- PETER (interrupting) Whoa, whoa, whoa...objectifies? They’re disarming bombs...it’s not like they just throw that to the women to make them feel better. It’s bombs! SAM In bathing suits. Sam reaches down and runs her hands through the crook of her thighs. SAM (CONT'D) Point. 24.
  • 26. They walk silently for a second. They reach the door to the server room, Peter opens it for Sam, he steps through afterward. INT. SERVER ROOM - CONTINUOUS Stepping into the room, Peter suddenly throws his hand up, pointing to the sky. PETER David Hasselhoff! ...POINT! She looks at him cutely and laughs a little. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - SAMETIME Mark paces through his office. Determined and angsty, he lumbers about huffing and puffing. He checks his watch. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - SAMETIME Dez is talking quietly with another employee. A third is listening in and scoots closer. FEMALE EMPLOYEE Some Viking fuck wants to come in here and take my Pinterest? I’ll die before I give up kitschy cat wallpaper and mason jar weddings. MALE EMPLOYEE What exactly is supposed to happen? He’s shutting down the internet? The power company? The news seems to think it’s actually really benign- DEZ (interrupting) The news wants to lull you into a false sense of security while still scaring you enough that you keep watching the goddamn news. Think about what’s connected to the internet. About what’s networked together through power lines and waves and shit. Pause. 25.
  • 27. DEZ (CONT’D) Fucking everything, man. Their eyes go wide, slowly. Dez nods. EMPLOYEE What else do you know? DEZ I shouldn’t. I’ve said too much already. A third and fourth employee now move in, close enough to listen. EMPLOYEES Please. Oh please. He holds up his hands, relenting. DEZ Alright. But don’t come crying to me when you’re getting waterboarded by Fabio bathed in candlelight. They all nod in agreement. Dez smiles to himself. DEZ (CONT’D) Artificial intelligence. Vacant nods. DEZ (CONT’D) When everything goes dark, what’s to stop the machines from switching themselves back on and taking over? EMPLOYEE I’m not sure that’s how that wor- DEZ (interrupting) You there! What’s your name? He points to a man behind the naysayer. HENRY Henry. DEZ Henry, do you have any loved ones in the hospital? 26.
  • 28. Henry thinks for a moment. Everyone else is anxiously awaiting his answer. HENRY My sister just had a baby? DEZ (interrupting) Dead. Gasps! The naysayer rolls his eyes. INT. SERVER ROOM - SAMETIME Sam and Peter are leaning over, poking at the large servers. Tracking numbers and various other minutia. DEZ (V.O.) Relationships are a liability. Love...a machine cannot feel. Sam and Peter flirt, rubbing shoulders. Peter acts like he needs to focus on work but he’s obviously enjoying this. DEZ (V.O.) Artificial intelligence has progressed to levels never before thought possible. Transcended boundaries we didn’t even know existed. Sam bites her lower lip as she rises to observe him work. It’s all ridiculously cute. DEZ (V.O.) Reached heights humanity cannot, yet, comprehend. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - SAMETIME Mark, still pacing in his office, picks up a trophy from his bookshelf. He looks at his arm holding it, flexes slightly and throws it at the window. DEZ (V.O.) Rage or aggression don’t figure into their decisions. The trophy gets caught in the blinds and rests there. 27.
  • 29. He turns to look out his interior window and sees the elderly employee walking by slow. She moves her thumb to her throat and slowly drags it across. DEZ (V.O.) They are a bottom line race. And the bottom line here is, humans are inefficient. Mark gets scared and looks awkwardly around his office until she walks off. DEZ (V.O.) Inefficiency cannot be tolerated and thusly leads to dissolution. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - SAMETIME Dez now commands a small army of idiots, praying on his every word. EMPLOYEE I think you might be pulling some of this out of your ass, Dez. My brother is an engineer in DC and has... DEZ ...has been called a asshole. Right now. By me. Your brother’s an asshole. Cut your shit. Dez clears his throat and proceeds onward. INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - CONTINUOUS Rodge polishing the American flag pins on his uniform, muttering something to himself. DEZ (V.O.) (in robot voice) What. Is. Pride? I. Know. Not. This. Human. Thing... Every couple of seconds he raises his head quickly as if trying to find some invisible assailant, then immediately lowering it back to the polishing. DEZ (V.O.) They don’t know what the fuck that is man. (MORE) 28.
  • 30. They don’t have names or identities. If they decide we’re gone...then we’re gone. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - SAMETIME Mark stares out the window between his office and the bullpen. His eyes narrow and widen while watching Dez preach to the others. DEZ (V.O.) They don’t plot and plan based on emotion. They rise and destroy, efficiently. This isn’t about Vikings taking over Instagram. This is a back door for the singularity. Sentient machines. INT. SERVER ROOM - CONTINUOUS Sam and Peter laugh with each other casually when suddenly... BOOM! DEZ (V.O.) Tonight, the skies won’t run black with lack of light. The lights shut off...a faint red glow illuminates the floor from the security lights. DEZ They’ll run red with the blood of the innocent. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - SAMETIME Francis rushes into Mark’s office and stands by, at attention, dropping a small, canvas bag near him. He turns and scurries back out. BOOM! DEZ (V.O.) Tomorrow, humans won’t have a purer civilization. Lights go out and window shutters start to close in. Mark’s face taken aback by the sudden darkness. DEZ (V.O.) (CONT'D) 29.
  • 31. INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - CONTINUOUS Rodge is still polishing pins until... BOOM! DEZ (V.O.) No, no, no... Lights go out and shutters start to close. Rodge begins a grown man’s peepee dance, scared. EXT. BUILDING - SAMETIME The building, standing tall and shining bright in the night sky sits silently with the city buzz behind it. BOOM! DEZ (V.O.) Tonight, the machines won’t die like everybody thinks... The entire building goes dark and begins emitting a soft, red glow. Shutters start to encase the entire structure. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS DEZ presides over the office, by now, every living soul entrenched in his words. DEZ Tonight, at midnight, the machines LIVE! BOOM! The lights go out, everything washed in red. The shutters start to fall. Silence except for the shutters slowly descending. EMPLOYEE NO! DEZ I was just joking! Oh God spare me! Utter panic ensues. Screaming and crying fill the floor. 30.
  • 32. INT. SERVER ROOM - CONTINUOUS Sam and Peter look at each other. SAM What happened? INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - SAMETIME Rodge, still shuffling around on his feet, loses his shit and begins a run toward the front doors that are slowly being drawn with metal shutters. He stops, turns and runs back, grabbing the canvas bag full of cellphones beneath the counter. He hauls ass toward the front reaching it and baseball sliding under the shutters. RODGE JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO! SLAM! It doesn’t work. He rises and gets pinned between the glass front and steel shutters. INT. MARK’S OFFICE Mark is stuffed closely to his closet, hastily opening pill bottles, counting out and downing handfuls. He’s arching his back and flexing his muscles, grunting. Francis bolts into Mark’s office, screaming in the bullpen behind him. He slams the door and brings a clipboard up. FRANCIS Damage check! Scenario number two! Arms?! Mark’s eyes wander outside his interior window to the bullpen. MARK (absently) Where’s Sam? INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - SAMETIME An employee runs past Dez in a panic. 31.
  • 33. DEZ Wait, it’s only 10:30. WOMAN It’s midnight somewhere! Dez slaps the woman across the face. DEZ Damnit, woman! Get a hold of yourself. She starts to whimper softly. DEZ (CONT’D) Shit...I’m sorry. Here, come here... He wraps his arms around her. EMPLOYEE I’m...so...thirsty. So...cold... DEZ Let’s go get you some water before these heathens steal it all. They limp off, curled inside one another. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - SAMETIME Mark’s face, a blend of intrigue and shock, slowly pushes closer to the window, watching Dez and the woman. FRANCIS Damnit, Mark! You may be dying! Is your liver intact?! Pancreas? MARK My opportunities are intact, Francis. Mark turns his attention back into his office, closing the blinds to the interior window and drawing the shades over the exterior window. Francis still has his face buried in the clipboard. FRANCIS It doesn’t say anything about oppor- Mark slaps the clipboard out of his hands and guides his face up to meet his own. 32.
  • 34. FRANCIS (CONT’D) Damage scenario two clearly denotes that we- MARK Francis, shut your mouth save for a yes or no. Are you prepared to follow me deep into the bowels of devotion? Francis is confused yet...eager. MARK (CONT'D) Tonight, twenty eight years sees its payoff. Peter will be out of the picture and Sam will be mine. If you pledge yourself to my cause, Francis, I can promise you a seat at the table. FRANCIS I pledge allegiance to the... MARK (interrupting) Shut up. Gather the troops and make the rounds. I want every bottle of water, every scrap of food...matches, lighters, anything useful. A small smile starts to grace Francis’s face. MARK (CONT’D) It’s a new world order, my friend. Go. Francis turns quickly and runs to the door, sneaking out into the madness. Mark smiles to himself menacingly and takes a seat behind his desk and opens RZA’s book. Scanning the page, he makes a check mark next to; RESCUE. Slamming the book shut, Mark smiles as he slowly raises his bicep to kiss. He can’t quite reach and decides that a little lick is sufficient. INT. OFFICE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Dez and the employee limp into the kitchen as it’s being looted. 33.
  • 35. The employee raises her arm slightly to point at the last remaining water when suddenly... DEZ Oooh, macaroons! He drops the woman and scurries off to his reward. INT. SERVER ROOM - CONTINUOUS Sam and Peter are walking toward the door to the server room, shrouded in red. PETER Ok, what do we do? SAM Well, we have to make sure everybody else is alright...right? They tread back to the door they came in and walk through slowly. Peter first followed by Sam. INT. ACCESS LEVEL - CONTINUOUS Walking slowly and silently toward the stairwell, Peter looks around as if ninjas are poised to jump out at any given moment. Sam blazes past him. PETER (loud whisper) Careful! Slippery Nordic gods. She looks over her shoulder at him and smirks, trying the knob at the same time. SAM I thought you didn’t believe in Ragnar the almighty. The door knob doesn’t work. She looks concerned. PETER I don’t. He reaches for the knob and tries as well, leaning his shoulder into it, testing its strength. PETER (CONT’D) First off, Vikings don’t come from Iceland, so, there’s that. Secondly- 34.
  • 36. He’s ushered her to the side and is slowly backing away from the door, determined look in his eyes. PETER (CONT’D) -does no one remember Poland? Ola had us all shaking in our Uggs and...nothing. Sam’s stopped listening to him and is, instead, watching intently as he wags his ass like a cat ready to pounce. He rushes the door shoulder first. PETER (CONT’D) Freedom! He slams hard into the door...it doesn’t budge. He falls to the floor. PETER (CONT’D) Shit! SAM C’mon, let’s try the other side. Sam walks away without a word of concern. PETER Hey! I just defended your honor, Goddamnit. SAM (yelling over her shoulder) Against a door! Peter mouths what Sam just said to himself, mockingly, as he rises form the floor. He drags himself in Sam’s direction. She turns around and helps him catch up. SAM (CONT’D) Maybe that was a little bit...awesome. Peter, smiling slightly, stretches his shoulders and straightens up. SAM (CONT’D) C’mon Captain America. 35.
  • 37. INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - CONTINUOUS Rodge, muttering incoherently, struggles to shimmy his way through the enclosure, bag of cellphones in hand. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - NIGHT Mark stands behind his desk, shaking pills into the palm of his hand. He throws them into his mouth and drowns them with water. The office has begun a transformation to something akin to a jungle stronghold. Drapes across the walls and plants littering the corners. Mark moves to a cabinet across the room, opens it and we see a veritable pharmacy. Muscle builders, weight loss pills, protein mixes, Viagra and a large box of condoms. He shuts the door to the cabinet, cracks his neck and picks up a large dumbbell laying on the ground and pumps it up and down slowly. A knock on the door and we here Francis outside. FRANCIS (O.S.) Sire? MARK Come. Francis opens the door and enters with a large case of drinking water. Francis is dressed like he’s just finished his shift at Medieval Times only everything he’s wearing was procurable through the office. Other disheveled employees follow with other cases of water and a few boxes of Hot Pockets. They’re all dressed in other various outfits, trying to embrace the ‘new world order’. A Rambo, Mad Max and a Tarzan stand before Mark. Mark drops the dumbbell and slams down into his chair behind his desk. MARK (CONT’D) Seriously? Francis and the other men look at each other, then back at Mark, proud. 36.
  • 38. MARK (CONT’D) What’s the mood like out there? FRANCIS Thine quarters be...robust in spirit for...thouest doth report with true, umm, expedience. MARK Verily! Dost thou have words on Sam or Peter? Francis is perked way up. FRANCIS Truth! To be found whence thine steed cometh... MARK (interrupting) Stop it. Francis nods, sadly. FRANCIS I don’t believe we’ve located them yet, sir. We’re very close. Mark’s demeanor flips 180°. MARK Listen to me. Listen as if your FUCKING lives depended on it...because, let me assure you, they do. I need both of them in my possession, yesterday. The four nod with vigor. MARK (CONT’D) If I don’t have them in an hour, I will feed every Hot Pocket in this office up your assholes so far, you’ll be forced to shit them out your mouth. They nod again. FRANCIS Uhh, yes sir. MARK Go! 37.
  • 39. The three men turn for the door and exit quickly. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS Francis, Rambo, Mad Max and Tarzan stand just outside Mark’s office inside a hut made of cubicle walls. MAD MAX (Australian accent) Crikey. What are we gonna do? FRANCIS (exaclty as Mark said it) Stop it. Mad Max slumps. TARZAN But he’s right. How are we gonna find them? Francis points at Mad Max. FRANCIS Cher, you go up stairs to the server level, check there. Mad Max frowns harder. FRANCIS (CONT’D) Tarzan and Rambo, you’re staying here, keeping watch over Mark. I’ll head downstairs to the lobby. INT. STAIRWELL - NIGHT Peter and Sam are walking down the steps slowly, fully engaged in conversation. PETER What the hell is that supposed to mean? SAM Look, I’m not saying...ugh, I shouldn’t have said anything. PETER No, no. What is it? About me? Sam stares at him for a moment, pleading with her eyes to not continue. 38.
  • 40. Peter shrugs his shoulders a little bit, eyes wide. SAM I don’t know. You have very, kind eyes. Soft skin. You smell really good. Her head drops. SAM (CONT'D) Do I really have to do this? PETER You said I look gay! I want to know why! INT. ABANDONED OFFICE - NIGHT We see the elderly Nazi sitting in the corner of an abandoned office, surrounded by a pile of discarded office chairs, piled high to form a fortress. A long piece of metal is resting from her hand into a fire. She slowly pulls it out and we see it’s a 3 foot pair of forceps. Glowing red she holds it close to her face, sticking her tongue out, close. Pull out to reveal a picture of Mark on the wall beside her, smiling. His teeth are colored gold. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MARK’S OFFICE - NIGHT Dissolved from Mark’s smiling picture to Mark’s bare teeth. He’s looking into a mirror. He throws the mirror down, exhales restlessly and stands up. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS Mark exits the office, eyes wide and soaks up his new kingdom. ESTABLISHING the office post-lockdown we see highlands, desert, tundra and swamp...all with an office sheen, of course. Small fires litter the landscape. Plastic plants form barriers between encampments. Malnourished people scatter and scurry between makeshift huts. 39.
  • 41. Back to Mark, he smiles. A king’s smile. We see Tarzan and Rambo standing on top of a cubicle wall with an extension cord vine in their hands, preparing to swing down. Mark stays in the corner and watches. RAMBO Ready? I’m gonna push out and you swing over to the other wall. TARZAN Let’s do it! RAMBO 1...2... Mark clears his throat loudly and Rambo loses his concentration, let’s go of the vine. Tarzan flies off the wall and straight into the ground. Rambo stands at attention while we hear Tarzan crash land and try to breathe with no breath. RAMBO (CONT’D) Sir. TARZAN (O.C.) Oooof! Oooooof! Ooooooof! Mark closes his eyes and shakes his head. He steps back into his office. INT. STAIRWELL - NIGHT Peter has his hand out, tapping fingers in time to the numbers he’s rambling on about. Sam’s eyes are rolling back into her head. PETER ...six, Maria Delmond, seven, Julie...Julie something... SAM Alright! I believe you- PETER (CONT'D) -eight, Myrna- SAM (CONT’D) Whoa, wait, Myrna? PETER It’s the, Philippines... 40.
  • 42. Sam stops dead in her tracks and doubles over laughing. Peter looks like an upset child. Sam reaches out and rustles his hair a bit then turns and starts to walk again. Peter lags behind a step or two. INT. AIR DUCT - NIGHT Rodge, having made his way through the steel maze that was the shutters is now crawling through air ducts. Or, WAS crawling. He’s laying on his side holding a conversation...with a rat. RODGE Twenty two. SQUEAK. RODGE (CONT’D) Thirty Four? SQUEAK. RODGE (CONT’D) (screaming) SHUT UP! INT. STAIRWELL - NIGHT Peter and Sam continue down the stairwell. Peter has his shirt off, slowly cupping his ‘barely there’ bicep. It’s quiet. SAM You’re not really helping your case. Peter’s head drops slightly as he put his shirt back on. INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - CONTINUOUS The door to the stairwell opens, Peter and Sam walkthrough and the door slams shut behind them. Peter turns around and pulls the door...locked. PETER Well, let’s hope we can get back up the other way. 41.
  • 43. SAM Ain’t much hope down here anyway. The lobby is dead silent and the doors are each covered in steel shutters. PETER Cell phones. Peter jogs toward the security desk, plants one hand on top to hop over the entire thing...like a man. SLAM! ...his hand falters and he falls, face first behind the counter. He pops up quickly, brushing it off. PETER (CONT’D) Nope, not down there. Sam smiles and walks around the desk. She reaches down and opens the drawer that holds their phones. They both look in. INT. AIR DUCT - NIGHT Rodge is holding one of the cellphones with curious eyes. He tries to chew on it, as if it just may taste good. INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - SAMETIME Sam and Peter stare at....nothing. The cell phone drawer is empty. PETER (sarcatically) Awesome. Sam starts to jog away from the desk toward another door. SAM ...maybe. She reaches for the handle and it pulls open. SAM (CONT’D) Ok, well, the parking garage is accessible at least. PETER Sweet, let’s go sailing. 42.
  • 44. Peter starts to jog toward the door and Sam stops him, placing a hand on his chest. SAM All of my shit is upstairs and we should make sure everybody is ok...right? Peter sighs loudly and stomps his feet like a child. SAM (CONT’D) Come on, sunshine. On the way to the opposite stairwell, Peter jogs up to the elevator and pushes the button, hoping. Nothing. Peter sighs again and they move toward the stairwell. Sam reaches out her hand, looking at Peter. They both have a hopeful look on their faces that the door will open....it does. INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - SAME TIME A foot crashes down on the handle of the garage door, breaking it in two. A hand reaches down, picks it up and walks away. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - NIGHT We see Mark sitting in the half lit corner office, behind his desk, disposable Bic razor in his hand. He slowly drags the razor across his head. SLAM! Rambo and Tarzan bust in the door carrying supplies. Mark jumps. MARK Goddamnit. He touches his head slightly and sees a bit of blood. RAMBO Sorry sir. TARZAN Sorry. Mark looks away from them and concentrates on his head again. They silently set down the items. Suddenly... 43.
  • 45. SLAM! Mad Max barges in looking lost. Mark’s hand jumps again. MARK Goddamnit, white Tupac. Another small pool of blood. Mark shoots a look, quick and fierce. Mad Max looks at the others then back at Mark. MARK (CONT’D) Speak. MAD MAX Checked out the upper server floors, looking for Peter and Sam, sir, they’re not there. Best guess at this point is they’re somewhere....else. Mark smiles big as he slowly rises from his chair and walks around his desk toward Mad Max. Half his head is shaved to the skin, the other half...not so much. MARK Somewhere else. Mark laughs a bit and smiles even bigger, moving closer. He reaches out and adjusts Mad Max’s leather. MARK (CONT’D) (still smiling) If you don’t find them inside the hour, I will personally escort you through a hell so deep, dark and disgusting it’ll make Cambodia in the 70s look like Disneyland in the 80s. I’m gonna make Hitler look like your drunken, whore of a mother, late one Friday night, when she ran out of cigarettes. A single tear slips from the Mad Max’s eye. MARK (CONT’D) Hit THAT nail on the head. Mark surveys them all once more. 44.
  • 46. MARK (CONT’D) Get out. They scurry out of the room. MAD MAX (mumbling) I’m sorry Mama. Mark walks back to his desk, trips on something and falls out of frame. We hear him scream. MARK Goddamnit! He rises and we see hair clippings from the floor stuck to the little pools of blood on his head. His eyes narrow angrily. INT. STAIRWELL - NIGHT Sam and Peter race each other up flight after flight. STAIRWELL - HIGHER UP - CONTINUOUS A dirty, old, grizzled man stands in the stairwell on the 15th floor, smoking a cigarette. He hears Peter and Sam running and screaming. He drops the cigarette and runs inside the door. PETER AND SAM Doubled over, hands on their knees, breathing heavily. They’ve stopped running. They’re on the 10th floor. PETER (out of breath) I totally beat you. SAM (out of breath) Shyeah, in what universe? I wasted you. Peter reaches his hand out toward Sam and starts patting. 45.
  • 47. PETER Alright, I’ll let you have this one. Sam looks down, he’s patting her breast. SAM And you’ll take THIS one in return? Peter looks over, his eyes widen in horror. He snaps his hand back quickly. PETER I...uh, Jesus. That was... SAM ...an accident. PETER (CONT'D) ...awesome. Sam raises an eyebrow, turns and continues up the steps. Peter smiles a little and follows. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - NIGHT The Grizzled man whispers something to the two men guarding the stairwell door, they move their weapons and he runs toward Rambo and Tarzan full steam. Approaching, the man stumbles, rights himself and whispers to Rambo the news. He moves his head away and smiles. RAMBO Good work, soldier. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Rambo pokes his head around the door cautiously. RAMBO Sir, we’ve found them. We don’t see Mark, only a shadow cast on the wall, illuminated by candle light. He’s bald now. MARK Brilliant. Parading Piranha is now in effect. Mark chuckles slightly...evil. His chuckle gets bigger....more evil. Rambo backs out the door and closes it behind him. 46.
  • 48. INT. STAIRWELL - NIGHT PETER Come on, it’s only fair. Touch it. Peter points toward his crotch. SAM No. PETER Touch it. SAM No. PETER (singing) Touch it... Sam is cutely annoyed. They arrive on floor 15 to a door slightly ajar. PETER (CONT’D) And thus ends our journey. They smile. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS Sam and Peter enter the office and stop, dead in their tracks. They see the office for what it has become. SAM Goddamnit. Suddenly... MAN (O.C.) Ahhhhhhh! Peter grabs Sam’s hand and runs, full bore, away from the screaming. The screaming that we now see is coming from a man, dressed to the nines in full ‘office native’ garb. Wielding a spear that looks to be made from a floor lamp. 47.
  • 49. SAM How long were we gone?! I don’t know why I’m even surprised. I could have called this shit HOURS ago. You leave for... Peter, still dragging Sam slightly behind him while running from the office madman, has had enough. PETER (sweetly) Heeeey, hi. Yeah, not really the time. SERIES OF SHOTS. 1. Peter and Sam, now side by side, burst through a thicket of jungle trees. The man follows closely. 2. Peter and Sam round corner after corner, trudging through swamp land now. The man encounters every corner they take with furious speed. Closing faster and faster. 3. Running along a wall of fire with men on their knees paying tribute to it like it’s their God, Peter and Sam come to a dead end. Looking back, they see the man approaching. 4. The other side of the fire wall is quiet, just the low roar of the flames. BOOM! Peter and Sam jump through it, landing hard. 5. The man bursts through the fire, spinning his spear like a vertical helicopter blade, dispersing the flames as he penetrates them. Landing with precision. END SERIES. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Peter looks back and sees the man land. PETER Shiiiit. He grabs Sam’s hand again and they make for the end of the hallway they’ve entered. The man hot on their tail. Closer than they think. MAN Blllaaaarrrrrrghhhhaaaa!!! Peter and Sam stop, dead in their tracks and turn, frightened to face the attacker. 48.
  • 50. PETER Hey man, look, we just, uh, please don’t... Peter’s eyes narrow then widen, trying to recognize who he’s looking at. PETER (CONT’D) Dez? Dez immediately straightens up from his ‘native’ posture to his fat guy posture. DEZ (innocently) Oh, hey dudes. SAM OH, HEY DUDES? DEZ (cutely) ...you’re mad. PETER What are you doing? DEZ Well, y’know, people started to get that whole ‘END OF THE WORLD’ itch and it just sorta...blossomed. SAM Blossomed. Fantastic. DEZ Yeah, it kinda went all ‘Lord of the Flies’ up here since...well, just about instantly actually. PETER Do we know what happened yet? Dez shrugs. PETER (CONT’D) Well, we went down to the lobby. All of our cell phones are gone and we’re locked in except for the garage door. It’s unlocked. 49.
  • 51. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - SAME TIME The garage door handle lands on Mark’s desk. Francis nods in Mark’s direction. FRANCIS They’re in. Mark’s shadow nods back as Francis turns to leave. INT. HALLWAY - SAME TIME SAM I’m sure the gate is closed, but we can cross that bridge right before we burn it the fuck down and get outta here. DEZ Rock. They all turn and walk away, side by side. PETER (to Dez re: the chase) How’d you do all that stuff? DEZ Billy Blanks dude. PETER No way. DEZ Shyeah... Silence. DEZ (CONT’D) (violent karate gesture) Tae Bo! INT. HALLWAY - LATER Peter, Sam and Dez are rounding corners in silence. PETER I have to use the John. DEZ Good, ‘cause that’s where we’re headed. 50.
  • 52. PETER Why? DEZ There’s a guy we gotta see. He’s, plugged in. Peter and Sam are confused. They approach the bathroom, all’s quiet. Peter moves for the door. Dez jumps in front of him. DEZ (CONT’D) You can’t just walk in, man. There’s a protocol. Dez gives the door a secret knock/scratch configuration and quickly jumps out of the way. Peter stays in front. It swings open, smooth and full, almost like magic. Peter jumps slightly. A bright, golden glow emanates from inside. A bit of fog is spilling out, obscuring our view. Peter looks back at Sam and Dez, slightly scared. She holds out her hand toward the bathroom. SAM By all means. Peter smiles sarcastically at her, turns back toward the door and takes a step. Before he can complete his move a figure appears, stepping from the fog. He’s tall, skinny with receding hairline. Fur leggings around his legs. Cowboy boots. A giant scepter. No shirt. This is GIBBS. PETER Heeeeeyyy... No clue who this is. PETER (CONT'D) ...you. Gibbs slams his giant scepter down on the ground. GIBBS Before ye can pee, thou must answer me, these questions three! 51.
  • 53. Sam’s eyes are wide open in shock. Peter stands, silent. Gibbs says nothing else. PETER (softly) Ummm, what..what are the questions. GIBBS Do not rush me mortal! Gibbs slams his scepter down hard. It makes Peter and Sam jump back. DEZ Hey, it’s cool bro. We’re cool. We come in peace. SAM Just get on with it. GIBBS Get on with YOU!...question time. Peter crosses his arms and does a little pee dance. Waiting. GIBBS (CONT'D) The popular cocktail, screwdriver, contains what alcohol? PETER Uh, Vodka, orange juice annnnnd.... SAM No, just vodka. He only asked what alcohol. GIBBS Correct! Peter sticks his hand out behind him toward Sam, she gives him five. GIBBS (CONT'D) Number two! A latte consists of what? PETER Dude, what’s with the drink questions? Peter’s pee dance ramps up slightly. 52.
  • 54. PETER (CONT'D) Umm, espresso and milk? GIBBS Correct! Peter and Sam smile. Dez lifts his hand for a high five, denied. PETER Number three baby! GIBBS Question number three! Peter, still dancing, has this in the bag. GIBBS (CONT'D) What!...is my name? Gibbs cocks his head to the side, like he’s so clever he even surprised himself. Peter and Sam look at each other. Concerned. They look back at Dez, nothing. Peter holds a finger up to Gibbs, to wait. He turns to Sam, expectant look on his face. PETER (whispering) Gerald? SAM No. ...Leslie? Peter snickers at this. PETER ...Rasputin!? DEZ Charlemagne! Peter slaps Dez in the face. Gibbs slams his scepter to the floor once more. GIBBS Answer! Peter turns back toward Gibbs, thinking. He opens his mouth to speak. 53.
  • 55. PETER ...alright...here’s the thing... GIBBS Really? After 5 years, really? PETER C’mon, it must be different departments or something. Gibbs is shaking his head. PETER (CONT’D) ...something? SERIES OF SHOTS: 1. Gibbs is behind Peter at the security desk, laughing and trying to engage him in conversation. Peter doesn’t notice. 2. Gibbs is in the elevator with Peter when he runs into the mirrored wall. 3. Gibbs sits in the chair that Dez was humping earlier. His eyes show disgust but he’s trying to be sporting about it. END SERIES. Gibbs is sad and just turns to head back inside. Peter jogs after him. PETER (CONT’D) I’m sorry. Gibbs, come on! Gibbs! It’s Gibbs! Peter is surprised he knows the name. GIBBS Too little too late, Peter. Just use the stall and leave, please. Peter dances past Gibbs, bursting at the seams. He points back at Dez and Sam to try and console him. They sit on either side of him, rubbing his back. GIBBS (CONT’D) It’s just, why does this keep happening to me? Am I that big a loser? SAM Nooo. DEZ No way, buddy. 54.
  • 56. Gibbs sniffles slightly. SAM (CONT’D) It’s just that...we’re... Sam shoots an eye at Peter who is now finishing up at the urinal. PETER We’re just so focused on the bad people in the office that sometimes we miss the good ones. Sam approves. SAM Yes, exactly. Too much time plotting against the douchebags, not enough time, um... PETER Yeah, he gets it. Sam slumps. Dez looks at the three, assessing. Gibbs starts to smile slightly. DEZ ...and, WE’RE BACK! GIBBS Ok. So, what’s up? SAM We need to know what exactly went on up here so we know how to fight it. GIBBS Well, it’s Mark. He sorta, took the reigns when everything went dark. Started to bogart all of the food and water. Recruited at least half of the office. Most of them did it just because he had all the food, they were hungry. Everybody else has starved. I was smart enough to run here and claim it for myself. Not bad, eh? PETER Yeah, livin’ the dream. 55.
  • 57. SAM Do we know what’s happening outside in the real world? And do we know how slow Mark acted so fast in his own favor here? Blank stares and shaking heads. DEZ Fuck it, let’s go lynch that bitch. PETER Whoa, wait. I mean, can’t we just get outta here? Why do we have to fight Mark? DEZ You really wanna go out like that? You want Sir Prickington to best you? YOU? Peter looks at Sam. She shrugs her shoulders. He looks at Gibbs. He’s smoking a joint and not listening. He looks back at Dez. PETER Fuck it. Dez leaps up. DEZ Yeah! That’s...half the attitude I wanted. But it’s good enough. Let’s go. SAM Where are we going? INT. BULLPEN OUTSKIRTS - NIGHT Peter, Sam, Dez and Gibbs stand staring, slack-jawed at a large compound. There are young shirtless men standing guard over gates made of cubicle walls. The men look like Abercrombie & Fitch models. Cut. PETER Fuck. INT. AIR DUCT - NIGHT The rat is dead. Rodge is shimmying away. 56.
  • 58. RODGE (mumbling) You don’t tell me toilet paper isn’t a food group. Beat. RODGE (CONT’D) YOU DON’T, RAT! INT. BULLPEN OUTSKIRTS - NIGHT Still in front of the compound, the four look puzzled. SAM Where did all these dudes come from? GIBBS I think it was some corporate video being shot downstairs or something. Doesn’t matter. These people are serious about their shit. We can’t just go waltzing in there, they’ll never even let us reach the gate. Gibbs stops and thinks for a moment. A thought dawns on him. He starts to strip off his goat leggings. GIBBS (CONT'D) Follow my lead. Gibbs, now in some sort of jockstrap/loin cloth abomination, looks at Peter and Sam, they cringe slightly. He turns back around and walks toward the gates. Dez is completely nude. SAM (to Dez) No! Two men are standing in front of the gates, holding makeshift office weapons. They’re chatting. Gibbs approaches, slowly. At the sound of his voice they turn and draw weapons. GIBBS I’ve come to worship m’lady. He drops to his knees. 57.
  • 59. We see Peter and Sam mouth to each other ‘m’lady?’. Dez is putting his clothes back on. One of the young men motions for Gibbs to rise. The other performs the secret knock on the gates for them to open. They do. Sam, Peter and Dez walk up behind Gibbs, fully clothed. Gibbs looks back at them. GIBBS (CONT'D) What the fuck? PETER What? GIBBS By ‘follow my lead’ I meant do as I do. DEZ That...would be ridiculous for us, to do... GIBBS Whatever. Let’s go. INT. COMPOUND - CONTINUOUS The four arrive at a large gate with a giant man guarding it. He steps aside and it swings open wide. In front of them is a lavish throne room. Velvet hanging from the walls, exotic plants, and lots of men, all dressed the same way as the previous. A large pile of rubble sits below a huge hole in the ceiling and atop the rubble sits a throne occupied by Margie. She is Regal. Sexy. Exotic. Our heroes enter and quickly, there are weapons drawn. MARGIE Hold! GIBBS (coyly) Heeeeeeey Margie. 58.
  • 60. MARGIE Randall. PETER Randall? GIBBS It’s my- MARGIE It’s his first name, fool. Peter looks confused. PETER Gibbs Randall? Were your parents dyslexic? Sam slaps him on the arm. Gibbs clears his throat and looks back to Margie. GIBBS Nice digs ya got here. He reaches out to a man in front of him with a sharp stick pointing at him, touches it. GIBBS (CONT'D) ...sharp. MARJORIE (interrupting) What can I do for you? Peter steps up, weapons move closer to him, he steps back. PETER We need your help. MARJORIE Next to Hot Pockets that’s the most precious of commodities around here. PETER Look, we know what you have, what you want and what you can do. All we’re asking is... MARGIE (interrupting) You haven’t been here. While you and your girlfriend... 59.
  • 61. Peter and Sam look at each other and refute this. MARGIE (CONT’D) ...were upstairs playing sexy tech support the rest of us were down here, fighting. Surviving. Sam rolls her eyes. SAM It’s been two hours! What were you fighting? A cold?! Margie snaps her fingers and spears appear at the four’s throats. DEZ Whoa whoa, ok. Let’s calm down here. Margie, I would be willing to have sex with you to end this right now. Marjorie thinks for a moment. She raises her hand and dismisses her men. DEZ (CONT’D) Whoa, legit? He smiles and starts loosening his pants rhythmically. DEZ (CONT’D) Yasss, bitch, yaaasssssss. Margie stands up and slowly walks down the pile of rubble toward them. She walks up to Dez and grabs him by the hand, his face lights up as she leads him to Gibbs. DEZ (CONT’D) Umm, I GUESS I can get down with this, I mean as long as our balls don’t touch... MARGIE (interrupting) Kiss him, with tongue, and I’ll help you. Gibbs and Dez’s eyes widen with shock as they shake their heads no. PETER Fuck yes. SAM Oh, thank you lord. 60.
  • 62. Peter and Sam, all smiles, step back and wait for the show. DEZ You’re fucking with us. GIBBS (to DEZ) We can do this. DEZ Yeah, I could also start sticking a toothbrush up my ass in the shower ‘cause Oprah says a colonic will stimulate my chakra but I prefer to just let my poop do the work. All are dead eyed at this. Margie snaps back to. MARGIE Suit yourself. She turns to leave. Peter and Sam jump to attention. SAM Guys, you have to. It’s the only way. Margie turns back around and crosses her arms, waiting. Dez looks at Gibbs, then at Margie and sighs defeated. He moves in to Gibbs slow, disgusted. His eyes are closed. Gibbs doesn’t look as disgusted as he should, slowly moves toward Dez. We see their tongues, close. ...closer, until, they touch and slowly move into each other’s mouths. Sam’s expression is jovial. Peter is disgusted. Margie is laughing. Suddenly, their resistance falls slightly, then more and more. Dez and Gibbs’s embrace becomes truer. Their arms wrap around each other, steady and full. 61.
  • 63. Everybody’s reactions turn to disbelief. Dez and Gibbs have fallen into real passion. INT. COMPOUND - NIGHT Our hero’s are sitting around a campfire now. Bellies full. Margie and Sam are chatting, gleefully. Most of the men are standing at attention, but still comfortable. Dez and Gibbs are sitting next to each other, their fingers intertwined as they gaze into each other’s eyes. Peter still can’t process this. His mouth hangs slightly open as he intently watches the two’s new found love. Sam smacks him on his arm. SAM Leave them alone. They’re cute. PETER I just, I’ve known Dez a long time and I never... MARJORIE Just call me cupid. Peter shakes it off. PETER Well, I guess it’s time to mount our offense, yeah? RANDY Oh, there’s gonna be some mounting, that’s for sure. Dez slaps his arm playfully. DEZ You’re bad. Peter rolls his eyes. EVERYBODY YEAH! MONTAGE: Gibbs and Dez are out amongst the downtrodden, bread in hand. 62.
  • 64. The happy, gay couple look like they’s running a mobile soup kitchen. All who eat follow them. Peter is having trouble recruiting a group of men. He holds out food, they don’t budge. Gibbs and Dez lead their man back to the compound, around a corner, Margie is standing with a weapon, hands it to the men, one after another. Sam approaches a lethargic group of men, half asleep. She flashes food, they don’t care. She thinks for a minute. She lifts her shirt, the men perk up immediately. Peter lifts his shirt, nothing. Sam’s guys all follow her back to the compound. They receive their weapons. Peter is mad. He storms off. We see the men were in disguise. Rambo, Mad Max and Tarzan sneak off as Peter leaves. Gibbs and Dez find the elderly Nazi, sitting in her corner, lit by fire. Maniacal facial expressions. Montage music stops. GIBBS Honey... Her gaze shoots up burns through them. GIBBS (CONT’D) ...you’re giving me Joan Collins...AND I LOVE IT. Montage music up again. All of our heros are in the compound, giant training sequence. Chinese monk style. END MONTAGE. 63.
  • 65. INT. CORNER OFFICE - NIGHT Mark is shrouded in darkness, we can’t really make out what he looks like or what he’s wearing. Francis, Rambo, Mad Max and Tarzan stand in front of him. MARK They’re doing what? FRANCIS They’re organizing a coup. They’ve been out recruiting for a while now. Our infiltrators have confirmed it. MARK Ok, we’ll play. Silence. MARK (CONT’D) Ready phase: FISH TOE. Francis nods and falls in line. The others fall in behind him. MARK (CONT’D) ...and show Peter what it’s like to tangle with the king. Francis smiles slyly. FRANCIS Yes sir. They scurry off. As they pass the outside window, so too does the Old Nazi. Close on her eyes, shooting pure fire into his soul. Close on Mark’s eyes, darting left and right, sweat dripping down his forehead. INT. OUTSIDE COMPOUND - NIGHT Sam and Peter have snuck out of the compound to take a walk. Peter is walking backwards. PETER See, I’m a natural. 64.
  • 66. SAM You’re just walking backwards, that’s not a moon walk. PETER I beg to diff- Peter trips over something, falling back first to the floor. PETER (CONT'D) Shit. Sam laughs at him. She reaches out a hand to help him up. He grabs her hand, instead pulls her down. They stare deep into each other’s eyes. SAM I think I could stay here forever. Peter thinks for a hot second. PETER My legs might end up cramping a bit after the first hour, but I’m game. She smiles as she rolls off to lie beside him. SAM Seriously though, I mean, it’s a little crazy maybe even a little dangerous. We have to overthrow the quickest rise to czar ever, but...I’m having fun. PETER Wait, HERE as in THE OFFICE HERE? SAM I don’t know, my life outside isn’t anything to write home about and, with the exception of the next level stupidity of this whole endeavor, I’m kind of enjoying myself. PETER Plus, y’know...this. Peter circles his finger around his face, trying hard to be cute. She slaps his arm playfully. 65.
  • 67. SAM Don’t go gettin’ soft on me, Bogart. PETER I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Another long look between the two, almost melting into a kiss when suddenly, two spears poke into their cheeks. SAM Kinky. INT. COMPOUND - NIGHT Margie, Dez and Gibbs are around the campfire. The men are sleeping behind them. GIBBS I wonder where our little hero’s ran off to? He moves to get up. DEZ Leave them be. They need a little alone time, I’m sure. He sits back down and rubs his hand on Dez’s leg. MARGIE Why don’t we see what sort of activities we can come up with. Y’know, to pass the time. Gibbs looks at Dez, they both smile and look back at Margie. CUT TO: INT. COMPOUND - NIGHT Marjorie is sitting, dissatisfied, chin resting on her palm. Gibbs and Dez and about 30 of the men are shirtless and dancing to house music. 66.
  • 68. INT. CORNER OFFICE - NIGHT Peter and Sam are marched into Mark’s office, their hands bound. Upon entering, their faces show shock. We see Mark, splayed out like Brando in Apocalypse Now. He is wearing a robe and sheathed in shadow. Sweaty. Peter and Sam are dropped to their knees in front of him. MARK Have you ever considered...any real freedoms? Mark swishes a wash cloth in a bowl of water as he sits up, still mostly caught in shadow. MARK (CONT'D) Freedoms from the opinions of others... He raises the wet wash cloth to his head and lets the water drip down the back of his neck. Peter and Sam haven’t taken their eyes off of him. They’re mesmerized. MARK (CONT'D) ...even the opinions of yourself? He fills his hands with water and splashes it on his own face. MARK (CONT'D) Did they say why, Peter? Why they want to terminate my command? Peter and Sam look at each other, puzzled. MARK (CONT'D) What did they tell you? PETER Dude, this is crazy...and your Brando needs some work. Caressing his sweaty head, Mark’s face pokes through the shadow slightly. 67.
  • 69. Mark stirs in his seat and sighs heavily. MARK Are you an assassin? Peter perks up assuredly. PETER I’m an I.T. Professional. Mark’s face finally emerges from the shadow to be fully illuminated. MARK You’re neither. You’re an errand boy...sent by grocery clerks...to collect a bill. PETER And scene! Mark rises, his robe falls open and we see too much. Peter and Sam cringe, his manhood ten inches from their face. Mark turns and walks toward the window. The drapes are drawn. He brushes his hands against the fabric lightly and turns around to face them once more. MARK As luck would have it, our dear friends in the land of ice saw fit to reign doom upo- The curtain behind collapses on top of Mark’s head. MARK (CONT’D) Shit! Behind the curtain is the window only half covered with shutters, held in place with the trophy Mark had thrown earlier. Mark still struggles under the curtain and is almost free before recognition dawns on Peter and Sam. Through the window, we can see the city. Lit and vibrant as ever. Searchlights from downtown clubs. Skyscrapers lit up top to bottom. Cars winding down the freeways. MARK (CONT’D) No no no, fuck! 68.
  • 70. PETER I knew it. I KNEW it! SAM You di- PETER I knew that Nodic fuck was full of it. Sam rolls her eyes. SAM Of course. Mark is struggling to affix the curtain once more. Behind Peter and Sam, through the blinds to the bullpen, a small set of eyes gaze through in astonishment. Finally, getting the curtain back on it’s hook, Mark turns around and catches his breath. MARK Odds you didn’t see that? Peter and Sam narrow their eyes at Mark, focusing on his stupidity. MARK (CONT’D) Oh well. SAM What the fuck did you do? MARK I’ve taken my life into my own hands and become a king. He sweeps his arms around, taking in his “kingdom”. PETER You did...YOU did this? How? MARK (almost proudly) I paid a crackhead to smash up the fuse boxes downstairs. 69.
  • 71. INT. MAINTENANCE ROOM - EARLIER A skinny, blotchy, entirely fucked up crackhead with a pipe hanging out of his mouth is smashing the shit out of the wall of fuse boxes. Sparks fly. The crackhead laughs as Rodge screams and falls behind him in the lobby. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - NIGHT Mark is giddy in his oblivious genius, laughing. Suddenly, his face falls to deadly serious. MARK I am your God. He smiles again. PETER Dude. What the fuck? Why would you do- MARK (maniacal) Why?! Do you really not understand? I want you to think hard. Take that retard brain back a few years and thiiiiiiink. Peter shakes his head, lost for thought. He looks at Sam questioningly. She shakes her head, clueless as well. MARK (CONT’D) You’re gonna play this game? He growls. EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - EARLY 80’S - FLASHABCK Young Mark is five years old and walking his brand new bike around his cul-de-sac. MARK (V.O.) Five years old and my brand new bike is the shining jewel of my Nile. I prayed. (MORE) 70.
  • 72. I begged my parents for a bike and they always said it was too dangerous. Young Mark still hasn’t hopped on to ride it. He just walks it and polishes it. Over and over. MARK (V.O.) Finally, they relented and there it was. Glory. Except... He tries to ride it and fails spectacularly, planting his face on the concrete but saving his bike from damage. MARK (V.O.) ...I didn’t know how to ride it. I busted my face open. Again and again. He gets up and tries and fails and tries and fails. MARK Sweat and tears filled my wounds and then, I saw...you. Young Mark is sitting on the ground, bruised in the face and on the verge of tears. In front of him, a little girl resembling five year old Sam walks slowly toward Young Mark, a look of concern in her eyes. Young Mark’s face lights up, he’s in love. He plays it up slightly, aiming for her sympathy. Just before she arrives at Young Mark, a boy resembling five year old Peter sweeps up behind her and plants his arm around her shoulder. She is smitten. Young Mark is appalled. Young Peter turns himself and Young Sam back to Young Mark, scoffs in his direction and reaches for the bike. MARK (V.O.) (young Peter mouths as Mark’s VO speaks) Nice bike, fag. Young Mark’s mouth falls open and tears stream harder and harder. MARK (V.O.) (CONT'D) 71.
  • 73. Peter hops on the bike and immediately reaches for Young Sam, placing her on the handlebars in front of him. Young Peter reaches behind his ear and pulls out a bubble gum cigarette. He takes a slow puff and blows the bubble gum dust into the sky. He then takes the cigarette and flicks it into Young Mark’s face as he peels out and leaves a small dust cloud in his wake. Young Mark is alone. Crying. Forever broken. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - NIGHT Mark is a wreck. Peter and Sam are momentarily speechless. PETER Dude...I... Silence. PETER (CONT’D) ...I grew up in Japan. SAM Yeah, and I wasn’t even born yet. Mark sniffles sadly and snaps into realization. MARK Wait, seriously? Peter and Sam nod. Mark thinks. MARK (CONT’D) Oh. Well, you’re still a dick so, whatever. Shock. PETER What?! YOU are the dick. MARK You are! PETER You’re a fucking dick. MARK Dick. 72.
  • 74. PETER You’re the dick! MARK Such a dick. SAM Guys. PETER Dick. Sam rams her shoulder into Peter’s to get him to stop. PETER (CONT’D) What? Dude’s a dick. Suddenly, the door flies open and Mad Max rushes in. MAD MAX Sir, they’ve mobilized and we’ve captured them. Mark smiles. MARK I’ve known your plan all along, Peter. And it seems your people decided to move forward without their fearless, dick- PETER (interrupting) Dick. MARK -leader by their side. Time to quash this little rebellion and finally secure you- He strokes Sam’s face and she pulls away violently. MARK (CONT’D) -as my Queen once and for all. He leaves, laughing maniacally. A split second before the door closes, he presses his lips to the opening. MARK (CONT’D) (whispering) Diiiick. 73.
  • 75. He slams the door. PETER Fuck! SAM What do we do now? PETER Well, he’s gotten everybody, I don’t know what else we CAN do. SAM There’s gotta be a way to get.. Sam struggles a little too hard with the ropes and starts to sob. PETER Hey, hey, come on. Peter tries to soothe her, she’s still crying. SAM (crying) I just...I’m so stupid. PETER What? No. SAM (crying) I can’t be happy. The second I get comfortable and start to care about somebody, God shits all over me. PETER Hey! Stop it! We’re gonna get outta here, ok? I promise. BANG! The office door bursts open and in runs Mad Max again. MAD MAX We don’t have much time. They’ll find out any minute now. He starts to untie them. PETER What? What’s going on? 74.
  • 76. MAD MAX I saw! I saw through the blinds that nothing happened outside. I wanna go home. SAM What about everybody else? MAD MAX I lied. I just needed to get Mark outta here for a minute. The ties are loose enough that they can wiggle out. Peter and Sam rise quickly and head for the door. MAD MAX (CONT’D) No, not that door, this one! He points to a little makeshift secret entrance in the wall. PETER Thanks buddy, nice Mad Max by the way. Mad Max gets a little choked up and smiles. Peter smiles back. MAD MAX Thanks, man. All three run out the passage and break for freedom. Mark runs back into the office, furious. They’re all gone, ropes on the floor. Mark pounds his desk, screaming. Francis, Tarzan and Rambo scream along side him. He stops and slaps Francis in the face. Francis straightens up fast. FRANCIS Sir. MARK I want them back! Dead or alive! INT. OUTSIDE COMPOUND - NIGHT Peter, Sam and Mad Max’s run is slowing, out of breath. 75.
  • 77. PETER We have to act now. Before he has a chance to retaliate. MAD MAX I know his plans. We’ll be fine. SAM I can’t fucking believe he’s been keeping this a secret, we have to tell everybody. As they approach the front gates to the compound, they overhear Margie, Dez and Gibbs talking. GIBBS (O.C.) You know what I mean though? It’s like, in here, in this world, I feel like I have purpose. I have friends. I have a life. Peter and Sam look at each other, concerned. Listening intently. GIBBS (CONT’D) I have you. He looks at Dez. GIBBS (CONT’D) Outside, I just go home, make a T.V. dinner and fall asleep to Tae Bo infomercials. Dez gasps. DEZ You too? Dez and Gibbs embrace. MARGIE Me too. RANDY No way. You MUST own this town. Looking the way you do. MARGIE Men are intimidated by me. My cat just died. I’m behind on my rent and mom won’t speak to me. She pauses, flustered. 76.
  • 78. MARGIE (CONT’D) In here, I...I feel like maybe I matter. DEZ Oh, honey. We’re family now. Sam pulls Peter and Mad Max away from the gates. PETER What do we do about this? SAM I’m not sure if anyone is going to want to hear this, but, who says we have to tell them? Mad Max doesn’t say anything. PETER Why? SAM Because I’ve fallen in love with... Her eyes say ‘...you, Peter’, her mouth does not. SAM (CONT’D) ...this adventure. I have nothing on the outside and everything right here in front of me. I want to waste away in the fake apocalypse with you...and those idiots. Peter stares into her eyes and thinks. PETER Yeah, fuck it. Let’s take this son of a bitch down. I have a plan. Sam looks at Mad Max. SAM I know you want to go home, and I promise you we’ll make that happen, but I need you to not say anything in the meantime, ok? Mad Max nods slowly. PETER Alright, let’s get jiggy wit it. 77.
  • 79. SAM Whoa whoa whoa, hold on a sec there Puff Daddy, what are we gonna tell them? PETER We’ll figure it out. INT. COMPOUND - CONTINUOUS Mad Max is standing with spears to his throat while Peter and Sam talk over each other, doling out stories to the others. PETER BOOM! They burst in through the door and grab us after we had just saved these babies from the toilet and they drag us to the closet and made us eat these things that they SAY make you tell the truth but in reality were probably just candy. So, Mark comes in and gives us a speech but he didn’t realize that Max here was trained in the secret art of knottery, so we slipped out of the ropes and ran off before he knew what hit him and came back here to meet you guys, but it’s ok, WE HAVE A PLAN. SAM And then all the lights burst it was raining down fire, like in a Die Hard movie only, I’m a woman so I look way better in a tank top. But we dodged that but hit our heads and then woke up chained to the stairs. Well, good thing that bear came along and chewed through the chains just in time to jump out of there and save those puppies from the tornado. Max was there, throwing puppies all over the place, but he’s fine now so we brought him back, it’s dark out there but it’s ok, WE HAVE A PLAN. Margie, Dez, Gibbs and the rest are wide eyed. MARJORIE Ummm... Sam and Peter, on either side of Mad Max, have shit-eating grins on their faces, rubbing his shoulders. MARGIE ...whatever. The guards drop their weapons. INT. COMPOUND - LATER Our heroes sit around the fire, scheming. 78.
  • 80. PETER Ok, so, our plan should still hold water. I’d say they have about 30 men and twice as many weapons. (to Mad Max) Sound about right? MAD MAX Yeah, they’re pretty well fortified, but with a little finesse you should be fine. SAM Mark’s gone off the deep end. He thinks he’s a God. He’s intent on killing us all. DEZ Well, you just say the word and our boys are on the front line. He points behind him to the guards. SAM YOUR boys? MARGIE (defeated) It’s a whole thing. PETER Ok! Well, unless there are any objections, I say we light this mutha up. Peter rises from the fire and claps his hands together, a slow clap. Everybody smiles, nobody joins the clap. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - NIGHT Mark is rallying his troops. Yelling, loud and proud. MARK These are very dangerous people! Mark’s men stand in rigid formation. He paces in front of them. MARK (CONT'D) They’ve escaped our grasp with one of our own. Best laid plans and all that nonsense, no mind! We forge on. (MORE) 79.
  • 81. No doubt they’re bringing the fight to us any moment. Men, formations! The men fall away fast as Mark files back into his office. Rambo and Tarzan fall into guard position. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Marks sits down, crosses his fingers and waits. INT. COMPOUND - NIGHT The good guys stand at somewhat looser attention than Mark’s men. Peter is walking back and forth in front of everybody, Braveheart style. PETER Today, we gather. Not for me...not for you...or you...WE GATHER, for it is our DESTINY! Too long have we been oppressed. Forced to eat whatever we can forage from inside the microwave. Forced to drink from the toilet. Crumbs thrust upon us on the pelts of dead rats. Our health is waning. Our spirits, low. No more! People are amping up. They start to bang their weapons together, furiously. To howl. To jump up and down. Peter’s speech is now drowned out by the overwhelming noise of the troops. Margie, Gibbs, Dez, Mad Max and Sam are in the front of the crowd. The former four are hooting and hollering with the rest. Sam is still, her gaze fixed upon Peter...fixed in amazement. She smiles big. He smiles back, while still talking. We can hear Peter again at the end. PETER (CONT'D) ...that they may take our sour cream and chives, but they’ll never take OUR FREEDOM! The crowd roars once more. MARK (CONT'D) 80.
  • 82. Peter thrusts his weapon in the direction of the gates, the crowd barrels through them at a furious pace, they’re gone into the night. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - NIGHT Our heroes head up the men. Peter is throwing hand signals every which way, the men start to break off from behind them. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - MOMENTS LATER A guard is standing at attention, alone. He is pulled back into the brush, picked out of thin air. Whip around to another guard further down, same thing. Another further down the path. And another. Peter and Sam’s heads poke out opposite sides of the path. They step out and continue on. Coming upon Rambo and Tarzan on guard, Peter and Sam hide away and keep watch. Approaching straight up the middle is Gibbs and Dez now dressed in super gay, Michael Jackson’s ‘Bad’ costumes, weapons away, not a care in the world. Rambo And Tarzan notice and pounce, holding spears to their throats. They both hold their hands up. Gibbs looks up and down at their outfits. DEZ ...cute. From above and behind them, we here somebody clear their throat. They look away from Gibbs and Dez, up to the noise. There stands Margie, Mad Max and 10 men, triumphantly perched on top of cubicles and office chairs. The guards whip back around to Dez and Gibbs holding weapons to their throats. Gibbs and Dez high five each other. 81.
  • 83. GIBBS (to Rambo) The verdict is in, guilty of fashion. DEZ No, I told you that doesn’t make sense. Dez and Gibbs lose their concentration momentarily. RANDY It can! It has levels! Rambo breaks free and lunges! Margie, Mad Max and the others jump down and join in. From deep left, behind the battle, a large influx of ‘good guys’ comes storming in, hard and fast. From deep right, the opposition charges. They meet in the middle as the battle begins! Peter and Sam, still hiding in the brush, take their cue to sneak into Mark’s office. Sam sees Mad Max fall and get pinned. She stops to help, Peter pulls her back to the task at hand. PETER They’ll be fine. We gotta do this. Sam looks concerned, but carries on. INT. CORNER OFFICE - NIGHT Mark is poised behind his desk, Francis stands in front, both waiting for the inevitable breach. Peter kicks in the door, Sam’s in fast but Francis’s ready. He grabs her and wraps his arms around her. Without hesitation, Peter is in the room, jumping over Mark’s desk landing a boot straight to his face. Peter pops up from behind the desk with Mark in his grasp. They stare at each other. Mark and Sam, at the same time, break free as the real battle begins. 82.
  • 84. Sam Vs. Francis Peter Vs. Mark Punches fly. They’re all yelling at each other during the fight. MARK Well, I guess you think you’ve both bested me. It was a noble effort, it really was. Mark throws a punch, Peter blocks it. Peter throws a punch, Mark blocks it. SAM Give it up, fuck ass. Francis stomps on Sam’s foot. FRANCIS Don’t you dare talk to him that way. Sam lands a punch square on Francis’s jaw, spinning him around and dropping him to the floor. She kicks straight at his face and we hear a slight whimper. Peter knees Mark in the gut and pushes him over his desk. Mark peeks back up, pensive. PETER What now big boy? SAM Give us the boat keys and we’ll leave. Mark laughs. PETER Or we can just take them and beat the shit outta you. Mark leans down and picks up the canvas bag Francis had dropped off when it all began. He holds it high and smirks in Peter and Sam’s direction. MARK You’re forgetting that there’s no way out. Your phones control the garage gates...and I’ve- 83.
  • 85. He loosens the top of the bag and begins shaking the contents out at his feet. MARK (CONT’D) -secured their release from- It’s not phones. It’s Rodge’s OTHER bag...it’s doll heads and jars of peanut butter. MARK (CONT’D) -yourGODDAMNIT. Mark flings the bag to his side and readies some karate position. Sam and Peter laugh. Mark charges them, they drop back into ready position. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - NIGHT The battle rages on outside. Both sides have lost people. Gibbs looks bruised and beaten but is still fighting. Dez and Margie are back to back, karate chopping dudes left and right. DEZ We’re bonding! Punch! MARGIE I’m sorry I haven’t been more supportive of you two. I guess I’m just lonely. Kick! DEZ Honey, we’re in this together. And there’s no other big tittied bitch in the world I’d rather be fighting with more than you. Kick punch! MARGIE You just amaze me. They both throw a punch at their respective baddies, dropping them fast. Gibbs runs up, out of breath. 84.
  • 86. GIBBS We have to figure out what’s happening inside. MARGIE I trust that, depending on the next person to exit that office, we’ll know who won. A man slams into Gibbs after being punched by another, he turns the man around and punches him again. DEZ Honey, you’re doing sooo good! GIBBS Right?! Gibbs dance-fights his way back through the crowd. DEZ Go get ‘em! Suddenly, Mad Max is down on the ground, sword to the throat. The adversary, ready to plunge, pulls back just as Gibbs leaps to action, knocking the weapon away and slapping the man in the face. The man whimpers... EMPLOYEE Ow. ...and sulks away. MAD MAX Thanks buddy. GIBBS Anytime sugar. INT. CORNER OFFICE - NIGHT Mark charges Peter and Sam, they step aside. As Mark passes through, Peter reaches out and slaps him in the face. The slap turns Mark around 180 degrees, slamming his back into the door. Mark corrects himself quickly, screaming mad. 85.
  • 87. SAM You’re just gonna hurt yourself again. He charges, throwing a right hook at Peter. Peter ducks it with ease and throws a jab to his stomach. Mark buckles on top of his desk. Sam walks over to the desk, pulls open the top left drawer and takes the boat key. Mark grabs her arm and slaps her in the face. Peter quickly runs up and places his hands around Mark’s throat. PETER Hear this, motherfucker... Mark is choking. PETER (CONT’D) ...if you EVER! touch her again, I’ll make sure you’re pissing into a bag for the rest of your useless, tragic life. Still struggling to breathe, a small tear breaks the surface of Mark’s eyes. Sam grabs for Peter’s hands, pulling them away from Mark’s neck. We see honest hatred in Peter’s eyes. SAM Leave him. He’s not worth it. Peter slowly lets go and backs away. Mark rolls to the floor. Sam reaches out and turns Peter toward her. She grabs his face and kisses him deep. They melt into each other. Pulling away, Peter looks into her eyes. PETER I love you. Sam’s eyes well up. SAM (sigh of relief) Oh thank God. (MORE) 86.
  • 88. I’m not sure how I would have handled any sort of rejection after what I thought was sure thing. Oh, shit, your lips are fantastic. She kisses him once more. Mark moans from behind the desk. Sam pulls away. SAM (CONT’D) Ok, we gotta go. PETER Wait, can I just... Peter moves his hand down toward her boob and squeezes ever so slightly. PETER (CONT’D) ...honk. She slaps him on the arm and they run out of the office. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS Peter and sam burst out Mark’s door. Dez notices them first. DEZ What happened? PETER I honked Sam’s boob! Dez high fives Peter. Gibbs smacks Dez’s arm. Old habits die hard. Everybody else just stares like Peter’s an idiot. PETER (CONT’D) ...and we got the key, I guess. If THAT’S the thing you wanna focus on... Margie is dropping the last bad guy. MARGIE Fantastic. Let’s go! They make a break for it, running out of the room furiously fast. SAM (CONT'D) 87.
  • 89. INT. STAIRWELL - CONTINUOUS Our heroes burst through the doors and trip down flights of stairs. MAD MAX What happened in there? SAM It’s not important. We’re done here. She reaches for Peter’s hand and gives him a reassuring look. INT. MARK’S OFFICE - SAME TIME Mark drags himself across the floor to his closet and struggles to pull himself up. The closet swings open revealing his pharmacy. With his last drop of strength, he starts popping bottles, draining the contents of all. Drowning himself in powders and juices. Anabolics. Prednisone. Testosterone. Viagra. Every last drop emptied, Mark struggles to stand up. He groans and shakes. The groan grows into a growl. INT. OFFICE BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS From outside Mark’s office, we hear the growl now turning to a scream. His silhouette against the office shades grows to inhuman proportions. Suddenly... BANG! The office door bursts off it’s hinges and flies straight toward us, obscuring our view of Mark as he runs directly behind it. From behind now, the elevator doors have been pried open and Mark has jumped into the empty shaft. From the top of the open shaft we see the figure sliding down the cables, sparks flying like crazy. 88.
  • 90. INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - NIGHT Peter, Sam, Margie, Gibbs, Dez and Mad Max burst out the stairwell door into the lobby. PETER The garage. Stay on point! Mad Max is standing next to the garage door. MAD MAX Umm, guys. He points at the broken knob. SAM Shit. GIBBS What now? BANG! A huge sound from the elevator shaft. Everybody perks up and waits as the dust settles. The door slowly pries open. Through the dust, Bizarro Mark emerges. A foot taller, a foot broader. Bulging muscles jutting out. Bizarro is covered in sweat and protein powder making some sort of mud, dripping off his face. Looks of horror across the board until... MARGIE What the hell happened toHAHAHAHA! Margie notices that Bizarro has come with a gigantic erection in tow. Everybody else notices and starts laughing hysterically. Mad Max takes this moment to spring into action, lunging forward. Bizarro slaps him to the ground with ease, the laughter has stopped. PETER Run! 89.
  • 91. Everybody breaks for the other side of the lobby, Peter stays behind, facing off against Bizarro. Sam looks behind her as she runs and sees Peter still there. SAM No! You can’t! PETER Go! Hide, I’ll let you know when it’s safe. Sam starts to tear up as she’s torn away by Margie. Peter turns back to Bizarro. PETER (CONT’D) I’m gonna fucking destroy you. Loud, angry scream from Bizarro as he begins his charge. Haymakers whirlwind around Peter’s head as he jumps back, trying to dodge the onslaught. Peter sees an opening and swings hard at Bizarro’s abs. Now rock hard, his punch bounces off. Bizarro kicks out hard at Peter’s chest and he flies into the garage door, knocking one of it’s hinges off. Clutching his chest in pain, Peter sees the broken hinge on the ground and realizes what he has to do. He pops up and stands in front of the door, goading Bizarro on. PETER (CONT’D) C’mon bitch. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours. Bizarro exhales deeply through his nose like a bull. He rushes. Peter steps aside and Bizarro slams into the garage door, knocking another hinge off. One to go. Doubling back behind Bizarro, Peter leads him away from the door. PETER (CONT’D) Bring it, fat boy. You don’t want Sam to see you scamper about, do you? Put some gusto into it! 90.
  • 92. Bizarro charges but this time, catches Peter too fast. He picks him up mid-charge and slams him into the large marbled lobby wall. The others are watching from behind a corner and Sam gasps as she sees this. SAM No! Margie quiets her fast as they duck away and Bizarro shoots a look for the sound. Peter headbutts Bizarro and Bizarro drops him. Peter scrambles away, screaming for his attention toward the door. Bizarro’s look shoots up at Peter and he enters into his final descent. He barrels toward Peter. Bizarro dives. Peter dives. Into the door Bizarro goes, crashing through and into the garage. Peter jumps up to look through and sees Bizarro writhing on the ground, hurt. He looks back toward everybody else. PETER Go go go! They come running out toward Peter. Sam breaks free from the pack and jumps on Peter, kissing him frantically and hitting him on the chest. SAM Don’t EVER do that again! PETER (laughing sweetly) Ok. SAM Ever. Gibbs interjects. 91.
  • 93. GIBBS Ladies, I hate to interrupt, but, uhh... We see Bizarro start to come to. PETER Yeah, let’s hit it. DEZ Don’t you mean ‘Let’s get jiggy wit it’? PETER (whining to Sam) You told them? Sam smacks Dez on the arm. SAM (to Peter) I’m sorry. The others laugh a little as they begin to run. INT. GARAGE - MORNING Into the garage, skipping past Bizarro, suddenly Rodge ducks out from behind a pillar. RODGE (calm) Hey Peter. Shock. PETER Rodge? Holy shit! RODGE Hey Peter. Peter is exhausted. PETER Buddy, you’re gonna have to be normal for a minute. RODGE Chocolate chip rat piss. PETER Great. Let’s go. 92.
  • 94. They approach the Hummer/Boat monstrosity. MARGIE Yep, THAT’LL work. PETER Let’s go! Bizarro is back up and shuffling over toward them, slowly. MAD MAX Guys... PETER Everybody in the boat! Sam jumps up top with everybody as they shuffle into the cabin of the boat. She slams the hatch behind them and locks it. She looks at Peter and shrugs, waiting for approval. PETER (CONT’D) Good enough. Let’s do it. Sam hops down and slides into the passenger seat of the Hummer. INT. HUMMER - CONTINUOUS Peter jumps in and slams the door. Outside, they hear a BANG as Bizarro has reached them and is trying to turn the truck over. INT. BOAT CABIN - CONTINUOUS Inside the boat, everybody is quiet between slams. BANG! SCREAM! Silence. BANG! SCREAM! Silence. The Hummer rumbles to life. Sighs of relief all around as they start to move. 93.
  • 95. INT. HUMMER - CONTINUOUS Peter throws his arms in the air. PETER Yes! He slams it into gear, grabs Sam’s hand and kisses it. PETER (CONT'D) Seat belts baby. INT./EXT. - HUMMER - MORNING Peter jams on the gas just as Bizarro slams it to two wheels, falling back on to four, it roars away. The Hummer races through the underground maze that is the garage while the boat skips behind. Stamping on the gas even harder, Peter and Sam start to scream as they approach the ramp up into the street. EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS BOOM! The Hummer/Boat bursts out of the security gate, hauling ass up the slope and ramping off the lip into traffic. The boat almost loses itself but rights and falls in line behind the Hummer. The security gate is stuck to the front. It makes a sharp right out the drive and speeds over the median toward another city street sloping down toward the water. INT./EXT. - HUMMER - MORNING Peter has his hand raised in joy after the great escape. PETER Wooo! (Blazing Saddles) Apps? We don’t need no stinking apps! He turns to check on Sam after the jump into the street. 94.
  • 96. PETER (CONT’D) You ok? Everything in one piece? SAM Yeah, I’m fine. Just keep going. The harbor’s just down that way. PETER Alright. We should be there in about two minutes. SAM How are we gonna do this? Peter looks confused. SAM (CONT'D) For them? How do we do this? Peter’s face show’s recognition. PETER I don’t know, I guess, we go fast? INT. BOAT CABIN - CONTINUOUS Screeching around more and more corners, the people in the boat are falling wildly all over the place. MARGIE Good thing... Slide. Slam! MARGIE (CONT’D) ...I haven’t eaten... Slide. Slam! MARGIE (CONT’D) ...in two days. GIBBS You look so skinnyyyyy. Margie is flattered. Slide. Slam! 95.
  • 97. INT. HUMMER - CONTINUOUS The Hummer is taking ever sharper turns and banging down city streets at a wild pace. SAM Peter! Watch where you’re going, you’re gonna get us killed. Suddenly, Peter takes a turn Sam wasn’t expecting. SAM (CONT’D) What are you doing? PETER I gotta do...a thing. Two seconds. EXT. FRAT PARTY - MORNING The frat party is in a shambles. Todd and a slew of other college kids bumble about drunk, happy and sad that world hasn’t ended. Large speakers flanking the front door blast out EDM and drink tables litter the side walk under pop up tents. Beer pong and cornhole strewn across the lawn. Todd raises his head and sees the Hummer barreling down in his direction. TODD Ummm... He looks around for anybody else to take notice. Nothing. TODD (CONT’D) Ummmmmm, guys? Nothing. He starts waving his hands for the Peter to slow down. He hears the engine rev higher. Closer and closer, Peter draws to the defunct party. Todd sees no way out and, at the last second, dives for his life as the Hummer rumbles onto the sidewalk at breakneck speed. He glances over his shoulder at Peter quickly, realization dawns as he recognizes him. 96.
  • 98. Pause. Both characters are frozen in time, eye to eye, they both know who won this day. Unpause. The Hummer smashes through the DJ equipment and drink tables, pulverizing and catapulting them three stories high. Todd comes crashing down, shielding his head from falling debris. We hear Peter thorough the open car window, slowing drawing away. PETER Get a job! INT. HUMMER - CONTINUOUS SAM I’m not even gonna ask. He smiles. Peter sticks his head out the window and looks behind him, his eyes widen in horror. We see Bizarro a couple hundred yards away running through the rave fallout. PETER He’s still coming! Peter takes a hard right, placing him dead center in front of the water. He looks at Sam, reassuring eyes. PETER (CONT’D) Here we go. He grabs her hand, holding on for dear life. There’s tons of people standing outside a theatre under a marquee stating “Post-Apocalyptic Movie Madness!”. Everybody is in costume. Swamp Thing, stands behind Dracula, who’s next to Frankenstein which is in front of a whole horde of zombies. Standing in front of the pack is a man dressed in a giant shrimp costume directing the moviegoers on where to queue. 97.