A Christmas Fable Pdf 2


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The full title, "The Menace Of Winchester: A Christmas Fable" is an animated screenplay.

Logline: A grumpy old goat terrorizes a small village then becomes the target of a witch-hunt.

Copyrighted and registered with the WGA west 2009.

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A Christmas Fable Pdf 2

  1. 1. T he Menace Of Winchester: A Christmas Fable
  2. 2. FADE IN: EXT. WINCHESTER COUNTRYSIDE - NIGHT A mosaic of English-style hills and valleys, one scenic overview DISSOLVING into the next. NARRATOR (V.O.) The way legend tells it, five days before the eve of Christmas, a once humble old goat by nature turns on a heel and is suddenly rotten again. WE SEE a “NO CRITTERS ALLOWED” sign. The wind BEATING against it. NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT’D) To some he was called “Scrooge De Hermit.” To others, Old Billy McMiezer. But to the mass menagerie, he was simply known as... A BURST of lightning FLASHES around a rickety old mailbox, revealing the name... NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT’D) The Menace Of Winchester. More LIGHTING more THUNDER. EXT. CORNFIELD - CONTINUOUS A BUNNY RABBIT, cute and cuddly, is seen CHOMPING on an ear of corn, in the middle of an isolated cornfield. Up ahead, nestled in the deep dark vastness, the decrepid old mansion. The door suddenly CREAKS open, and out FLOPS a fresh carrot, onto the front stoop. The bunny drops his cob and quickly dashes for the savory carrot. He SNIFFS it, grabs it with both tiny paws. Then suddenly, he is WHISKED inside the dark manor by the live bait. The door SLAMS shut.
  3. 3. 2. I/E. THE MANSION - CONTINUOUS From the light in the dusty windows, the shadow of a GOAT brandishing a pitchfork, can be seen racing up the staircase, after the helpless bunny. EXT. ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS From the chimney, out POPS the frantic rabbit. Soon after, the soot-covered goat rears his ugly head and continues to give chase. Through the fierce rain, both animals suddenly leap from the roof and take flight, instantly landing into the maze of the cornfield. The old wet goat watches with bloodshot eyes, as his midnight meal flees into the distant night. EXT. CITY HALL - NIGHT ESTABLISHING. INT. ASSEMBLY ROOM - NIGHT The room is packed with furious ANIMALS of every species. VICEROY DRUMMAND, a white-faced, woolly-haired farm bull, strides into the room. His larger-than-life presence stifles the unruly crowd. He reaches the podium. The gavel is SLAMMED. Then somehow his robust demeanor turns to pooh pooh when they hear his MOUSY voice. VICEROY First of all who... Quickly CLEARING his throat, his deep Georgia DRAWL suddenly resonates. VICEROY (CONT’D) Pardon me. Sorry. Who in tarnation let the Badger family in here? The animals look around in all directions. The room RUMBLES. VICEROY (CONT’D) Get them outta here! The GUERILLA GUARDS approach the Badgers.
  4. 4. 3. GUARD ONE Alright, you heard the Viceroy. On your feet. Instantly, the expletives fly from the entire family of badgers, and the BLEEP button quickly goes into overtime. DADDY BADGER Wrong move, Viceroy! I’d start locking my (bleepin’) windows and (bleepin’) doors, if I were you. MOMMY BADGER Better watch your (bleep), motha...(bleep)! It’s on now! JUNIOR BADGER Raw eggs and (bleep) paper on all your houses! All heads turn as the family is ousted out the back door. VICEROY What the (bleep) is wrong with them? Heads quickly turn back in shock toward the Viceroy. He pauses. VICEROY (CONT’D) I mean uh. The last thing we need in this assembly is a bunch of highfalutin hypocrites. APPLAUSE ERUPTS, especially in the SEAL corner. VICEROY (CONT’D) I’m tired of being pushed around. THE CROWD (sporadic) Here, here! VICEROY Beaten up and bullied. BIG BLACK BULL You got that right! VICEROY Sick of being treated like a second class primate! The crowd EXPLODES.
  5. 5. 4. VICEROY (CONT’D) (above the hoopla) Five days before Christmas and I’ve had it up to here with that miserable old goat! The CHAOS builds. VICEROY (CONT’D) Victims! Citizens of Winchester! Who among you will stand tall, beat down the door of that evil old McMiezer and give ‘em a piece of your mind? Suddenly, everyone puts a sock in it. All we hear is the RUSTLE of a lone cricket. CRICKET (stopping, Spanish accent) My bad, hombres. The Viceroy waits, then... VICEROY Okay, who wants mocha? The crowd goes crazy. BOB CATCHET, the old goat’s apprentice gazes from the back of the room, then exits. EXT. TOWN HALL BUILDING - NIGHT As the members exit the building, the bobcat catches a glimpse of a modest pack of animals across the way. SHERIFF BUFORD HOWLER, a RASPY-VOICED bloodhound and his sidekick, DEPUTY FURIOUS FOXWORTHY, a squinty-eyed grey fox, have mustered up an small assemblage of their own. HOWLER That old buckaroo... The hound dog spits his tobacco. HOWLER (CONT’D) I’ll hunt ‘em down for ya. Sniff ‘em out. Dead or alive. A big CHEER from the crowd.
  6. 6. 5. HOWLER (CONT’D) We’ll string ‘em up by his scrawny little neck! Turn ‘em into goat’s milk or yella cheese. Sustaining LAUGHTER. HOWLER (CONT’D) Just enough for everybody, I recon. All around! Amid the hoopla, the sheriff let’s out one hellava HOWL. Catchet grimaces as he wanders away. EXT. THE HOMESTEAD OF BOB CATCHET - NIGHT He enters quickly, drawing the curtains closed. MRS. CATCHET is seated behind him, in her favorite rocking chair. MRS. CATCHET You’re home early. BOB CATCHET (gazing through the curtain) The children put to bed? MRS. CATCHET Yes. What’s wrong? Turning to his wife. BOB CATCHET I’m afraid the whole town has gone stark raving mad. FADE TO BLACK. FADE UP TO: EXT. THE CATCHET HOUSE - DAY Bob is loading his family into an OX carriage. Along with Mrs. Catchet, TINY TOM CATCHET, and his BROTHER and SISTER. WE HEAR hokey MUSIC in the background. Overly dramatic. BOB CATCHET (to his wife) Take extra care of the children.
  7. 7. 6. MRS. CATCHET I will. TOM CATCHET Will you be home for Christmas, Father? BOB CATCHET I’ll certainly try my best, Tom. Patting the child on his head. BOB CATCHET (CONT’D) See to your brother and sister for me. TOM CATCHET ‘Course I will, Father. OX (low tone) For cryin’ out loud, put a sock in it already. The MUSIC stops. Everyone stares at the Ox. OX (CONT’D) Sorry. Should we be going now? BOB CATCHET Yes, yes of course. The MUSIC starts up again. MRS. CATCHET Do be careful, dear. BOB CATCHET I’ll manage, love. He gives his wife a peck as the carriage pulls away. Catchet waves them all goodbye. OX (amid the farewells) Jeez, somebody just put a friggin’ bullet between my eyes. NARRATOR (V.O.) So the Bobcat loaded his family safely away. Sensing a vigilante ambush, his mission now was to get to the goat, before they did. (MORE)
  8. 8. 7. NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D) And save his hide, before they skinned him alive. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. DARKENED WOODS - NIGHT WE SEE “the lair”, a large oak whose trunk has been turned into a house. NARRATOR (V.O.) Now it was time for him to make nice with an old biddy of a vulture. The name of VALVAZAR, “the vulture of voodoo” is revealed on a slab of wood, fastened above the door. Bob looks up, from his bicycle at the ominous tree house. The door slowly CRACKS open, and a dozen BLACK CATS escape into the wind. An old prune of a VULTURE appears. Gypsy-like. Frail. VALVAZAR Bob Catchet, is it? BOB CATCHET It is. I believe there’s a matter of three ghosts we need to discuss. VALVAZAR Yes, yes, my friend. Come, come. Come into my lair. Bob just stands there. She flips the hood over and suddenly sounds like a “Jewish” grandmother. VALVAZAR (CONT’D) Would you get your caboose in here already. Holy Cannoli! The Bobcat wonders in. INT. VILLAGE BAR - NIGHT A HIPPO and a MOUNTAIN LION share a drink. HIPPO I wanted to say something but...
  9. 9. 8. MOUNTAIN LION But what? HIPPO I couldn’t. MOUNTAIN LION Are you ready to talk about it now? HIPPO Yes. Yes I believe I am. MOUNTAIN LION So did that old Billy goat really push you down a flight of stairs? HIPPO No comment. EXT. THE BAR/ PORCH - CONTINUOUS Like a sixties beatnik poet, a MOOSE quietly BEATS the bongos on the porch bench. MOOSE Jealousy. Blows his mind. Horns. Versus antlers. Size matters, Billy boy. Size matters. A drunken DOTSON gets the boot, out of the saloon. WE SEE a TOUCAN, sitting on a rock next to a BULLFROG playing his harmonica. TOUCAN He’s on a mission. To destroy us all and claim Armageddon for himself. BEAT. The frog stops playing, ogles the toucan. TOUCAN (CONT’D) Okay I’m reaching. INT. VALVAZAR’S PARLOR - NIGHT Bob watches the old buzzard as her winged fingers hover over a darkened crystal ball. She freezes suddenly, staring at the bobcat, who is staring at the enormous wart above her nose. VALVAZAR What?
  10. 10. 9. BOB CATCHET What? I’m sorry? VALVAZAR What are you looking at? BOB CATCHET Nothing. Nothing I was just wondering... VALVAZAR What? BOB CATCHET Uh, well, uh... VALVAZAR Yes? BOB CATCHET Do you get indoor plumbing in here? BEAT. VALVAZAR I knew it! You were staring at my wart! BOB CATCHET Oh no, no of course not! VALVAZAR Don’t lie to me Catchet. Last guy who did that found himself full of muscatel, face up on a slab, waking up to a perfectly executed lobotomy. Bob gazes at the vulture. He gulps. VALVAZAR (CONT’D) I’m kidding, I’m a kidder. Jeez Louise, would you loosen up already? BOB CATCHET Oh. Oh, dear me. Bob starts to chuckle. VALVAZAR Don’t laugh. It’s not funny anymore.
  11. 11. 10. BOB CATCHET Sorry. They peer back into the crystal ball, as she continues waving over it. VALVAZAR Oh and Bob. BOB CATCHET Yes. VALVAZAR No snooping in here, okay? Otherwise I’ll have to hunt you down like rabid dog and roast your innards on a rotisserie spit. Understood? Catchet freezes in his boots. VALAZAR I’m joking, I’m a jokster, what do you want from me? BOB CATCHET Should I laugh now? VALAZAR No. BEAT. A misty image is forming in the ball. VALVAZAR Wait! She continues waving her feathered hands over it. VALVAZAR (CONT’D) I see a shallow mansion nestled in the woods. A Billy goat is sleeping there, with all his earthly goods. He’s about to be awaken, his world about to fall. And nothing shall be the same again, when Muley comes to call. DISSOLVE TO:
  12. 12. 11. INT. THE OLD GOAT’S BEDROOM -NIGHT Old Billy sits up, in bed, beneath the canopy. The CLINKING chains getting closer, from outside the door. Suddenly, BOOM! Through the door, SWOOPS in a flying mule, amid a flock of doves. Crazy. High-strung. JACOB MULEY. MULEY Oh yeah! Peace baby, peace! Spread the love, my brother! Spread the love! OLD BILLY (Scottish brogue) Muley! Have you completely lost your mind?! MULEY Give ‘em solace, baby! Give ‘em bliss! Show Cupid where to aim his bow, and that boy will never miss! Hahaha! Old Billy flips the covers over his head. The mule crisscrosses the room, one last time them levels down for a safe landing. MULEY (CONT’D) It’s all good, baby. It’s all good. The mule watches the goat, under the covers. MULEY (CONT’D) Well it ain’t the boogie man, fool! Old Billy unravels the sheets. OLD BILLY Jacob Muley. What do you want? MULEY Yeah man, uh...look here. Why don’t you hook your old partner up with some of them bank notes? OLD BILLY What? MULEY Oh now don’t act like you ain’t rollin’ in it, Mr. Big Wigs.
  13. 13. 12. OLD BILLY What the devil does a moth-covered old ghost need with a fist full of bank notes? BEAT. MULEY Some new chains and a serious makeover? OLD BILLY Get outta here, Muley! Out! Out! MULEY Wait a minute now, just hold on to your money bags, Billy, this ain’t no social call. OLD BILLY Then what do you want? MULEY I ain’t exactly here for my health, old timer. This is payback sucka. OLD BILLY Payback? MULEY Before you kick the bucket...before you wake the dead...it’s inventory time! You bubble head. Muley breaks into the SONG, “Inventory Time.” Accompanied by a trio of BLACKBIRDS, who materialize from the fireplace, suddenly it’s the gospel hour. Followed by an EXPLOSIVE finale. MULEY (CONT’D) Oh yeah. Old Billy helps himself to a cup of tea, from a pot on the furnace. OLD BILLY Give it a rest, Muley. MULEY What did you say?
  14. 14. 13. OLD BILLY I said, put a sock in it, you old hypocrite! The blackbirds suddenly wince back. Mulely FLARES UP, levitating toward the ceiling in a fit of RAGE. Kicking and HEE HAWING at the top of his lungs. Eyes bulging out of his head like frisbees. The goat stands there, knees trembling. Cup and sauce shaking in his grip. Muley is WHALING, and FLAPPING his arms repeatedly. Chains RATTLING. Old Billy drops his cup, jumps for the bed covers. OLD BILLY (CONT’D) (beneath the covers) Muley! You’re fit to be tied! The mule lowers himself to ground level. MULEY Sorry. The old “scrooge” peaks from under the sheets, slightly. MULEY (CONT’D) I freaked. Not cool. Old Billy does away with the covers. MULEY (CONT’D) You’re right, Billy. I am a hypocrite. Or was at least, in my mortality. OLD BILLY Same as I. MULEY A heel. Stubborn. Mule-headed. BEAT. MULEY (CONT’D) But hey man, I’m a jackass, what’s your excuse? OLD BILLY Wait. I got something to show you.
  15. 15. 14. The Billy goat dashes away. MULEY (more or less to himself) They’re uh...they’re coming to get you Billy! Dead or alive! The goat rolls out a vacuum-like contraption. MULEY (CONT’D) What is it? OLD BILLY My new invention. I call it... Billy turns it on. OLD BILLY (CONT’D) The ghost remover. MULEY Oh snap. The mule tries to make a run for it, but is quickly SUCKED in, along with his peace-loving doves. MULEY (CONT’D) Spread the love, my brother! Spread the.... From inside the vac, WE HEAR... MULEY (O.S.) (CONT’D) Man. You got a lot on your mind, don’t you. INT. TOWN POOL HALL - NIGHT An ELEPHANT is shooting billiards, while a tiny MOUSE watches from the edge of the table. ELEPHANT You know how sometimes when you’re at work, walking up the hallway... MOUSE Yeah. ELEPHANT And you spot the boss coming down, from the other end of the hall...
  16. 16. 15. MOUSE Yep. ELEPHANT And you start to get that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach... MOUSE Yep. BEAT. ELEPHANT I’m sorry, I lost my thought. Three OTTERS from the “valley” sit at a round table slurping margaritas. OTTER ONE Dude. If there’s gonna be a lynch mob we should totally come up with a cool name for it. OTTO TWO Let’s see. How about, the Army Menagerie. Neutralizers of Enemy Scavengers and Animal Adversaries. OTTER ONE Wicked. BEAT. OTTO THREE Dude, that spells amnesia. INT. VALVAZAR’S LAIR - NIGHT Catchet is pacing. VALVAZAR Sit down, kitty. You’re making me nervous. BOB CATCHET What happened just now? And don’t call me kitty. VALVAZAR I dunno. Sometimes we lose contact.
  17. 17. 16. BOB CATCHET Yeah, well I’m not paying you good money to see a disappearing act. VALVAZAR You paid for three ghosts, Puss n’ Boots. There are two left, so what’s the problem? Catchet wanders toward her, at the table and takes a seat. BOB CATCHET I am not a Puss n’ Boots. I’m a bobcat. VALVAZAR No you’re not. BOB CATCHET Yes I am. VALVAZAR Am not. BOB CATCHET Am too. VALVAZAR Am not. BOB CATCHET Am too. VALVAZAR You sure? BOB CATCHET What do you do mean am I...? VALVAZAR Thumb wrestle you. BOB CATCHET What? VALVAZAR If I win I get to call you my silly willy, snookums kitty. BOB CATCHET Like that’s going to happen. VALVAZAR Why not? Hmmmm? You a scaredy cat?
  18. 18. 17. BOB CATCHET No. VALVAZAR Scaredy cat! Scaredy cat! BOB CATCHET Look I don’t have any thumbs, alright! BEAT. VALVAZAR Come to think of it, neither do I. She begins to chuckled. BOB CATCHET Stop it. VALVAZAR I still say your head’s too flat to be a bobcat. She rises. Catchet looks into the crystal. BOB CATCHET My head’s not that flat. Is it? He sees a vision. BOB CATCHET (CONT’D) Hey I see something. The vulture approaches. BOB CATCHET (CONT’D) See? Look a tiny spec. VALVAZAR Yeah. Wait a minute, I think you spit on it. Here. She wipes it, with her robe. BOB CATCHET Not there. There. She sits. VALVAZAR The dawn will soon be breaking. Another day shall rise. (MORE)
  19. 19. 18. VALVAZAR (CONT'D) Before the night is over, make room for compromise. Send yet another spirit. A clever ghost alas! To open this goat’s eyes again...the Goose Of Christmas past. INT. OLD BILLY’S MANOR/ BEDROOM -NIGHT Standing at the foot of his bed, THE GOOSE OF CHRISTMAS PAST. GOOSE (a proper English Lady) Think of the possibilities had you been born a Cashmere coat. The goat is suddenly jarred awake. OLD BILLY What? Who’s there? GOOSE A frock for a child, perhaps. The goat tries desperately to focus. GOOSE (CONT’D) That way you’d be serving animal kind, and yet free from the clutches of the pestering needy. OLD BILLY Who are you? GOOSE Don’t be pretentious. You know perfectly well who I am. OLD BILLY (squinting) No. Can’t say that I do, out right. GOOSE I am the Goose of Christmas Past. OLD BILLY Ah yes. From me childhood past. GOOSE Correct.
  20. 20. 19. OLD BILLY And may I say, Lassie...what a fine scrumptious, rarity you turned out to be. GOOSE I beg your pardon. OLD BILLY Stuffed meself pretty good, I did, with the likes of you. GOOSE What?! OLD BILLY Don’t remember ye being as paunchy, though. GOOSE Why I never! OLD BILLY Ye seem a might brawnier than that old white-faced barnacle we went to hackin’ on, in me youth. The goose GASPS for breath. OLD BILLY (CONT’D) But all the same, Madame...there was still plenty of pickings left on ye, to go around and back again. GOOSE If you expect me to stand here and... OLD BILLY No I don’t. There’s the door, Madame Goose. Billy rolls over, in his bed. She pokes him with her umbrella. GOOSE Move your bloomin’ patootie, you pompous old goat! OLD BILLY Who you callin’ an old goat?
  21. 21. 20. GOOSE You’re trying my patience, Billy boy. OLD BILLY Alright, alright...don’t get your knickers in a bunch. Gimme a minute, will ye. For cryin’ out loud. As the goat storms away in his pj’s and nightcap, the Goose suddenly breaks into SONG. A whimsical MELODY entitled, “Take Another Gander (Silly Goose).” The grey-bearded menace is in his lab, mixing a powdery concoction, like a mad scientist. When the SONG concludes, Old Billy reemerges, holding a bug spray pump. The Goose watches, as he pumps and pumps and pumps, until the seeping smoke mysteriously takes the shape of a meat cleaver. Eyes POPPING out of her head, the Goose makes a run for it. The goat chasing after the long-neck bird. She quickly descends through the door, but the flying hatchet is tossed after her. She vanishes with a SHRILL. The goat stands there, ringing his hooves together like a “dastardly villain,” with a sinister goat’s cackle. INT. BARBER SHOP - NIGHT The CHIMP BARBER is grooming a “Freudian-like” IRISH SETTER puffing on a pipe, making small talk. IRISH SETTER (distinctively German) There is no cure for an animal on the verge of spontaneous combustion. A WOLVERINE waits in a chair, reading “Junk Yard” magazine. WOLVERINE Says in here, he drinks blood and eats the flesh of children. A MONGOOSE sits on a shine box, CRUNCHING on a celery stick.
  22. 22. 21. MONGOOSE He’s got something against mongooses. INT. VALVAZAR’S LAIR - NIGHT Catchet and Valvazar watch carefully as a huge COCKROACH makes its way up the table. As it reaches the top of the crystal ball, it waits. The stare down between the bobcat and the vulture begins. The roach sits there, with his dancing antennas. Suddenly, the sound of RUMBLING tummies causes the bug to leap up, from the crystal ball, into the air. The bobcat and the vulture go for it, but CRASH into each other and fall to the floor. The insect quickly scurries up the unlit fireplace. VALVAZAR He’ll be back. BOB CATCHET How do you know? VALVAZAR Don’t mess with me, punk. I’m all- knowing, all-seeing, remember. BOB CATCHET (sarcastically) Oh yeah, I forgot. They pick themselves up from the floor. BOB CATCHET (CONT’D) That bug was mine. VALVAZAR I don’t think so, Mr. “I’m not a kitty cat.” BOB CATCHET Why does it have to be so dark in here? VALVAZAR Hey, I’m creating a diversion, do you mind? Gives the impression nobody’s home.
  23. 23. 22. BOB CATCHET (very low) You can say that again. VALVAZAR What? BOB CATCHET Nothing. He begins pacing again. BOB CATCHET (CONT’D) The fireplace isn’t lit. VALVAZAR I know that. BOB CATCHET It’s gotta be ten below in here. VALVAZAR Look Mr., what do you want from me, you want your money back or what? BOB CATCHET No. I was just wondering why... VALVAZAR Smoking chimneys are a dead giveaway. The bobcat stops pacing. VALVAZAR (CONT’D) The morbid enemy is everywhere. BOB CATCHET Morbid enemy? What morbid enemy? Just then the ECHO of strong LAUGHTER, fills the room. The bobcat turns scaredy cat running and leaping into the lap of the vulture. The fuzzy-bearded image of an enormous pot-belly pig begins to materialize as the LAUGHTER continues. FUZZY PIG. BOB CATCHET (CONT’D) (with a smile) Why it’s Fuzzy Pig. Alive again! VALVAZAR Actually he’s still deader than day old shish kebab.
  24. 24. 23. BOB CATCHET Whatever. FUZZY PIG (still chuckling) Billy the Kid. That’s what we use to call him. You think he’s ornery now? VALVAZAR Is he drunk? FUZZY PIG If you want to see a change of heart in that old goat, it’s laughter that soothes the savage beast. VALVAZAR I thought it was music. LONG PAUSE. The pig’s not laughing anymore. FUZZY PIG Apples and oranges, “Miss Thing,” so who died and made you genius? Nobody’s laughing. FUZZY PIG (CONT’D) Well excuse me for getting so tickled pink and busting a gut! And trying so hard not to puke my brains out! The pig SNAPS his fingers and POPS out of sight. BOB CATCHET Wow. What do you suppose...? Bob and Valvazar look at each other. Still on her lap, she rises quickly. VALVAZAR I got it! He hits the floor. INT. OLD BILLY’S STUDY -NIGHT WE SEE the goat, sitting at his counting table, tallying up stacks and stacks of currency, when suddenly...WILD LAUGHTER is heard.
  25. 25. 24. INT. DINING CHAMBER - CONTINUOUS The old buck opens the door, and bears witness to a GLORIOUS GIANT. A jolly lion, full of laughter, full of mane. This is THE BEAST OF CHRISTMAS FEAST. The goat enters slowly, and is suddenly surrounded by a spread befitting a king. He takes a big WHIFF in all directions. The beast is busy entertaining a pack of HYENAS, perched at his feet. THE BEAST So the gentleman says to the lady, “excuse me, Madame but I think I just ran over your cat...” OLD BILLY And the lady says “oh really, now? What did it look like?” THE BEAST And the man goes... The lion gives a look of fright, as if he is about to be run over. The room is hysterical. THE BEAST (CONT’D) Well if it isn’t that greedy little glutton of a goat. Billy McMiezer. OLD BILLY I know you. The Beast Of Christmas Feast. THE BEAST Who’da thunk it? Who’da thunk it? Old Billy RIPS off a turkey leg and devours it. THE BEAST (CONT’D) Tell me, Old Billy. Is it really the nature of a goat to hog the lion’s share of everything? OLD BILLY (swallowing) It is, indeed. And is it the nature of the beast to barge in, on another creature’s territory in the middle of the night?
  26. 26. 25. THE BEAST In case you haven’t heard there might be a bounty over your head. By now the hyenas are approaching the goat, licking their chops. The goat picks up an empty frying pan as a weapon. OLD BILLY I know very well about that bounty. And I say ha ha ha! To the bounty! THE BEAST (to the pack) Down boys, down. He’s a friend, not an appetizer. The meat eaters stop in their tracks. THE BEAST (CONT’D) Ha Ha Ha, indeed. I say we raise a toast! All wine glasses are raised. OLD BILLY To laughter! THE BEAST To laughter! They drink up, and SMASH their glasses to the floor. THE BEAST (CONT’D) Because comedy, my friend... A Huge BELCH. THE BEAST (CONT’D) Is King. This leads us into the TUNE, “Comedy Is King.” The MUSIC gets interrupted now and then, with a quip or a joke from the Beast and the Goat. THE BEAST (CONT’D) “Uh, excuse me gentle lady, but do lemons have wings?” OLD BILLY “Why no sir, they most certainly do not.”
  27. 27. 26. THE BEAST “Well then I think I just swallowed your canary.” Laughter fills the room. The SONG continues, until there’s another break. OLD BILLY Tell me, what do you call a row of cats who owe me money? THE BEAST Well I’m sure I don’t know. OLD BILLY The fee line! More hoopla, more high jinx, more bottles of wine POPPING open. And while everyone hangs on the final note of the SONG, the old scrooge wanders away, then returns, rolling in a conjured- up cannon made of smoke. THE BEAST (last words) Who’da thunk it? The old goat let’s ‘er RIP and BOOM! He BLASTS the entire party to smithereens. A puddle of mist is spread across the floor. The goat marches over with his vac, chewing on a piece of fruit. OLD BILLY (to himself) Mmmm. Kumquat. He SUCKS the intruders in. INT. A LEOPARD’S HOUSE - NIGHT A less than lady-like LEOPARD, is watering her plants. She speaks to no one in particular. LEOPARD Had the nerve to tell me I better change my spots. Told him he better change his underwear.
  28. 28. 27. INT. THE CHAPEL - NIGHT A SAINT BERNARD Clergy, trades stories with a COYOTE in the pulpit. FATHER BERNARDO Quite frankly, he’s been banned from the church. COYOTE Which one, Father? FATHER BERNARDO All of ‘em. EXT. HOUSE OF THE GRIZZLY BEAR/ PORCH - NIGHT A chubby old GRIZZLY rocks quietly on the porch sing. GRIZZLY Hibernation? Forget about it. Who can sleep? INT. VALVAZAR’S TREE HOUSE - NIGHT Catchet lay sleeping on the table, near the crystal ball. He SNORES like a giant ape. The vulture watches him. VALVAZAR Now that’s just gross. Just then, a LOUD VOICE approaches from nowhere. LOUD VOICE Tallyho! Bob suddenly wakes up. BAM! Through the door, in POPS a mysterious WARTHOG, tumbling in the room. He picks himself up. WARTHOG Sorry. Virgin ghost, here. He takes a quick look around. WARTHOG (CONT’D) Excuse me. Am I in...?
  29. 29. 28. VALVAZAR No you’re not. WARTHOG So you’re not... VALVAZAR No I’m not. WARTHOG And yet this place is as cold as... VALVAZAR No it’s not! The vulture approaches him, circling around him. VALVAZAR (CONT’D) This is not where you think it is. I am not who you think I am. And this place is certainly not as cold as where you say it is! WARTHOG I’m sorry, the hideous breath threw me off. Could you repeat that? BOB CATCHET Would you mind telling us who you are? WARTHOG I’m the slumlord. BEAT. WARTHOG (CONT’D) The dead slumlord. Mysterious MUSIC is overplayed, followed by the cliche FLASH of lighting. Valvazar clings tightly to the bobcat. WARTHOG (CONT’D) I come with a warning. He starts backing up. WARTHOG (CONT’D) The ravens say, those who enter into his lair, will never again see the light of day. Bob and the vulture look at each other.
  30. 30. 29. WARTHOG (CONT’D) Beware. Beware. BOB CATCHET Look out! The old boar CRASHES right into a replicated miniature haunted house, on the floor. The Vulture peers right through him with an frightening gaze. WARTHOG Okay, awkward moment, here. He tries to piece it together. WARTHOG (CONT’D) Sorry about your spooky little haunted house here. He fumbles with the scraps, the vulture looks on. WARTHOG (CONT’D) Let’s see...I think maybe this goes here...and uh... He ceases for the moment, picking up a tiny object. WARTHOG (CONT’D) Is this a hot tub? VALVAZAR Get out. WARTHOG Good call. He drops everything and disappears through the door. He then SMASHES into a bay of garbage cans outside. WARTHOG (O.S.) (CONT’D) Meant to do that! Realizing they’re still embracing, Catchet and the vulture break free. Each wincing and grimacing. Catchet keeps his distance, looking away. BOB CATCHET So uh, you think we’re in danger or what?
  31. 31. 30. VALVAZAR (looking up) I see a vision. BOB CATCHET (lackluster) Another vision. Whoopee. She gives him a cold stare. BOB CATCHET (CONT’D) I mean. Wow another vision, oh joy! VALVAZAR The image of a dead warthog. The slumlord. BOB CATCHET (sarcastically) Wow, never underestimate the validity of psychic powers. VALVAZAR Will you shut your pie hole. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. BOB CATCHET You mean? VALVAZAR The goat. Billy McMiezer. The last one to see ‘em alive. BOB CATCHET You’re not suggesting... The Vulture peers dead into Bob’s eyes. EXT. STREET - NIGHT A BASSET HOUND PAPER BOY, spills the news. PAPER BOY Murder! Murder! Read all about it! In that instance, HEADS begins to surface from everywhere. From street corners and alleys, from windows and shops. All repeating the overbearing news. Murder? Murder? The MASSES react and a posse begins to take shape, lead by the town justice himself, Sheriff Howler and his deputy.
  32. 32. 31. HOWLER We got a butcher in Winchester, boys! He spits. The mob looks on. HOWLER (CONT’D) Remember. Dead or alive. CHEERS, as the sheriff HOWLS and leads the way. Torches are lit and passed around, weapons on the ready and as the lynch mob forges on, another SONG suddenly sprouts up with a vengeance, “There’s A Goat On the Lam.” EXT. VALVAZAR’S LAIR - CONTINUOUS Catchet and Valvazar venture out of the lair, watching the flaming procession in the distance. BOB CATCHET Animals. FADE TO BLACK. FADE UP TO: EXT. SMALL HAMLET - DAY WE SEE a WOLF on horseback, traveling down a snow-patched street. DR. WOLFGANG DE WOLF, P.I. and his trusty steed MAREWHETHER. NARRATOR (V.O.) So the town quickly summoned a notable criminal psychologist to aid in the mystery of the missing goat and the dead warthog. Dr. Wolfgang De Wolf. Private Investigator. A rolled-up newspaper suddenly PLOPS down, in the snow from nowhere. The MARE stops. A STORK circles overhead. STORK Wolfgang!
  33. 33. 32. The wolf peers up. STORK (CONT’D) I’ve been scouring the ends of the earth for you, mate. DE WOLF Sorry. STORK I’m afraid you’re wanted in Winchester! The stork soars away. MARE Winchester? INT. RESTAURANT - DAY From the wolf’s P.O.V., at the dinner table, WE SEE the open newspaper. The HEADLINE: “MYSTERIOUS DEATH OF SLUMLORD DEEMED SUSPICIOUS.” As De Wolf lowers the paper, he is quickly startled by a horrifying GUEST at his table. DE WOLF Good heavens! It’s the REAPER. In black hood, with the jawbone of a rhino and horns of a bull. REAPER (gentleman’s voice) Try the quiche. I hear it’s to die for. DE WOLF Who the devil are you? REAPER You mean to tell me you really don’t know who I am? BEAT. REAPER (CONT’D) “Black Doom?” “Angel Of Darkness?” “The Shadow Of Death?” Stop me when any of these rings a bell.
  34. 34. 33. DE WOLF The Reaper. REAPER Well actually I prefer, “The Reapster”. Doesn’t get any cooler than that. De Wolf can’t stop staring. REAPER (CONT’D) Uh, yeah, FYI...this might be a good time not to look me directly in the eyes. DE WOLF (quickly shielding his eyes) My goodness. Why on earth not? REAPER Let’s see, how do I put this without belittling your intellect? Hello! Death here! DE WOLF Shhh. I beg you to keep your voice down. LONG PAUSE. DE WOLF (CONT’D) Okay, this is the part where you’re suppose to say, “no one else can see or hear me.” REAPER Cliche overkill, pal. If I have to pull that one out of the hat in one more movie trust me, I’m gonna barf, okay. The Reaper picks up a glass of milk and drinks. It all spills right below his chin bone, onto to his cloak. He puts it down. REAPER (CONT’D) Sorry. Milk goes right through me. DE WOLF What exactly do you want? The Reaper leans up, slowly.
  35. 35. 34. REAPER Don’t do it. DE WOLF Don’t do what? Just then, the COOK, a slovenly young SLOTH, appears at the table. SLOTH (sluggishly) You wanted to see me, sir? DE WOLF That was twenty minutes ago. LONG BEAT. Then finally... SLOTH Yeah? DE WOLF I want you to take a good look around. As WE canvas the restaurant, the PENGUIN WAITERS are scurrying at lightning speeds, serving food from table to table. DE WOLF (O.S.) (CONT’D) Everyone here is being served within five minutes after placing their order, except for me, the lone wolf. After a very long pause - SLOTH I uh, I have no idea what you’re saying to me right now. DE WOLF (slamming the table) Just get me my food! SLOTH (taking off in slow motion) Alright, alright, don’t get your whiskers in a tangle. DE WOLF And hurry it up!
  36. 36. 35. SLOTH I’m going, I’m going. De Wolf suddenly looks for the Reaper who has vanished from the table. EXT. THE NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY A Cockney WEASEL and a homely old BULLDOG are nailing the goat’s “WANTED” poster to a tree. A bounty of one thousand pounds. WEASEL I’m sackin’ this here bounty you grubby old gutter pup. The whole kit and caboodle. BULLDOG You keep them meat hooks off me reward money, weasel. If you know what’s good for ye. WEASEL Oh yeah? BULLDOG Yeah. BEAT. WEASEL So uh, what’s them numbers read anyway? BULLDOG Beats the heck outta me. EXT. MISTY SKY - NIGHT ESTABLISHING. EXT. DARK WOODS - NIGHT An OSTRICH and an AARDVARK, continue on the march as part of the lynch party. OSTRICH That old menace. I’m still having nightmares of combat boots kicking me in the shins. (MORE)
  37. 37. 36. OSTRICH (CONT'D) And that voice, screaming wildly in the streets, loser! loser! AARDVARK That old Billy goat, done all that to ye, huh. OSTRICH What Billy goat? I was talking about my mother-in-law. Our three OTTERS from the “valley”, slowly trudge along with the rest of the bunch. OTTER ONE How about, Dangerous Animal Renegade Trackers? OTTER TWO Awesome. OTTER ONE No, better yet, what about, Ferocious Animal Rebel Troopers. OTTER TWO Awesomer. BEAT. OTTER THREE Dude, you just went from d.a.r.t to f.a.r.t. EXT. WINCHESTER / OVERVIEW OF THE CITY - DAY Snow is falling over the town. ESTABLISHING. EXT. TOWN SQUARE / SIDE STREET - DAY De Wolf leans against his horse, his hat cocked back, “Bogie” gumshoe-style, shining an apple against his chest. DE WOLF But why? Why on earth didn’t he just do away with me, right there in the restaurant?
  38. 38. 37. MARE Humph. DE WOLF He could’ve y’know. Very easily. MARE It’s the odds, I suppose. DE WOLF Odds? MARE The odds of your being revived and rescued. Much greater in a public place. DE WOLF By George. You should have been a sleuth Marewhether. MARE Hardly gov,na. But I wonder. The Reaper could very well foil your investigation by simply “ending” the old goat altogether. DE WOLF Perhaps the Reaper has the soul of a mortal. MARE Meaning he hasn’t the foggiest idea where the old Scrooge is. Just like us. DE WOLF Not a clue. Just then, WE SEE the NEPH-EWE of Old Billy, descending from the stoop of his flat, across the busy street. A happy-go-lucky sheep. Spiffy and neat. But so thick in wool, one could almost mistake it for a second coat. MARE Look. Isn’t that the Neph-ewe? With his “sheepish” grin, the sheep hands out hollies, in the middle of the street. DE WOLF Great Scots, I believe it is.
  39. 39. 38. De Wolf sticks the apple in Marewhether’s mouth and approaches the sheep. NEPH-EWE Merry Christmas one and all! Merry Christmas! The sheep sees the wolf tracking toward him. His grin fades as he calmly turns to walk away. DE WOLF Wait! The blue sheep turns. DE WOLF (CONT’D) My good fellow. A word please. De Wolf catches up. DE WOLF (CONT’D) No need to be frightened. I just want a word. NEPH-EWE Frightened? Why should I be frightened? DE WOLF Well under the circumstances I wouldn’t blame you at all. You’re a sheep. I’m a wolf. NEPH-EWE I know perfectly well who you are. You’re Doctor Wolfgang De Wolf. Private Investigator. DE WOLF You’ve heard of me then. NEPH-EWE Yes. And of all the good you’ve done for animal-kind. DE WOLF Good Heavens. You sugar-coat me. I’m just a wolf. NEPH-EWE What you are my friend, is a sheep. In wolf’s clothing.
  40. 40. 39. Grinning again, the sheep offers the wolf a holly, then saunters away. DE WOLF Just a moment! The wolf tramples after him. The sheep trudges faster. NEPH-EWE Please don’t hurt me. I’m a bleeder! DE WOLF What are you talking about? A minute ago you were practically kissing my feet. NEPH-EWE I’m always kissing up to wolves! Pulling the wool over their eyes, so to speak! DE WOLF Just wait a minute! NEPH-EWE It’s a defense mechanism! DE WOLF Slow down! NEPH-EWE Gee, what lovely fangs you have. See? DE WOLF Will you stop it! NEPH-EWE Please don’t eat me! DE WOLF I’m not trying to eat you. I’m conducting a case study! NEPH-EWE Yeah sure. Today a case study...tomorrow a taste study! DE WOLF Listen to me!
  41. 41. 40. NEPH-EWE Oh look! An armadillo! Now there’s an appetizer if I’ve seen one! De Wolf stops. The Neph-ewe disappears in the distance. DE WOLF (to himself) Just like his uncle. One wing nut short of a loose screw. INT. HOMESTEAD OF THE “CLUCK” FAMILY - DAY A FAMILY of frantic fowl. Hysterical chickens FLAPPING across the room. Climbing up furniture, SCREAMING and leaping left and right. De Wolf stands at a distance, listening to the rooster - PAPA CLUCK. PAPA CLUCK (mimicking the scrooge) “Claimin’ too many dependants again, aye?” GRANDMA CLUCK (finishing the threat) “I’m well within me rights,” he says...”to remedy the problem once and for all!” SISSY CLUCK Murderous lecher! He’s already tried it once. Look at me Mum, for pity sake... MAMA CLUCK WHIZZES around the room in a panic-stricken frenzy. SISSY CLUCK (O.S.) (CONT’D) Poor lass. She’s a nervous wreck, I tell ye. Medication’s a joke. The HOUSEKEEPER (a turkey) enters with a tray of hors d’oeuvres. HOUSEKEEPER All the time callin’ me a half-wit! A real “turkey brain,” he says!
  42. 42. 41. PAPA CLUCK That wicked old Billy. He won’t rest until he sees this whole family simmerin’ on his feasting table. MAMA CLUCK Assassin! He...he tried to kill me! The room is raining feathers, as De Wolf continues jotting down notes and dodging desperate poultry. PAPA CLUCK You know what they say. The Devil bargains in good faith. SISSY CLUCK And I’d rather deal with the devil any day of the week, than that old battle-ax. DE WOLF I’m curious. How was it that I came to your attention? PAPA CLUCK Heard about you in the streets. And uh... DE WOLF And what? The rooster raises his lorgnette spectacles to his eyes. PAPA CLUCK Oh my God. You’re a wolf. Suddenly every chicken stops flapping. The room is cold silent. DE WOLF Uh, yes? BEAT. PAPA CLUCK Run for your lives! De Wolf stands there, watching the chickens SCATTER about. DE WOLF (V.O.) What a coop full of feather-headed birdbrains.
  43. 43. 42. INT. HOME OF THE “SMELLINGS” - DAY A horde of SKUNKS occupies the household. STENCHY (the husband) reads the newspaper. ODORIA (the wife) is fanning her apron over a boiling pot. ODORIA That ol’ stinker. He won’t dare show his old goat face in this house, that’s for sure. STENCHY He serves eviction notices by way of special delivery. ODORIA C.O.D., I might add. Odoria stirs, turning to the young ones. ODORIA (CONT’D) Play time’s over children. Come out of the litter box now, lunch is ready. The unsanitized baby skunks begin to gripe, as they scamper toward the dining table. STENCHY (to the kids) Don’t raise a stink about it. It’s not like your mother’s asking you to wash up or anything. God forbid. ODORIA (to De Wolf) No sir, we haven’t seen him around here in ages. STENCHY ‘Course there hasn’t been a soul to set foot in this house since the eclipse. ODORIA And what’s wrong with this house? I think it has a certain distinction. Wouldn’t you say so De Wolf? De Wolf stands far away, with a handkerchief covering his nose.
  44. 44. 43. DE WOLF Madame. This house puts the “stink” in distinction. INT. HOME OF THE REESE TWINS - DAY A pair of REESE’S MONKEYS are diligently decorating their Christmas tree. They speak somewhat succinctly. De Wolf watches them, scurrying up and down the tree. TWIN ONE He slipped a mickey in our drinks and off we went... TWIN TWO To an experimental laboratory... TWIN ONE Me bum was being tested to make rubber galoshes... TWIN TWO And me bum was being tested to make shoe horns... TWIN ONE AND TWO (together) Thank God for the parliamentary police! EXT. THE SHALLOW MANOR - NIGHT Old Billy sneaks out slowly from his homestead, quietly locking the door. He looks around briefly, puts on his top hat, then swiftly moves along the empty street, clutching his cane. As he turns the corner, a VILLAGER spots him. VILLAGER There he is. There’s the old windbag. Soon a small CROWD gathers. The goat hightails toward a side street. A larger mass of ANIMALS begins to emerge, and almost immediately the chase begins.
  45. 45. 44. The old scrooge dashes near an isolated alleyway, but is quickly cornered by the CHANTING mob. MOB (together) Get that goat! Get that goat! Closer and closer they approach, until the goat lashes out. OLD BILLY Stop! The aggressors come to a standstill. Then a la “Elephant Man”... OLD BILLY (CONT’D) I am not an animal! They all look at each other. OLD BILLY (CONT’D) I am... They stare at the goat. OLD BILLY (CONT’D) I’m a... They continue staring. Then... OLD BILLY (CONT’D) I’m screwed. The savages go for it. INT. THE MANOR / BEDROOM - NIGHT Old Billy quickly awakens from the nightmare. Soon he begins gathering his personals and packing his bags. He breaks into the SONG, “Bah, Bah, Humbug!”, exactly the way a goat would sing it. He SINGS through the quiet streets, with a scarf masked around his mouth, and a rickshaw full of his belongings. INT. THE HOUSE OF MRS. CATCHET’S MOTHER - NIGHT The remainder of the Catchet family is congregating in GRANDMOTHER’S living room.
  46. 46. 45. Tiny Tom Catchet enlightens them all with a SONG. As the ballad “God Bless Us Everyone,” is delivered by the young Tomcat, WE notice a faint smile on Grandma’s face. As the TUNE carries on, so do the sights and SOUNDS of Christmas, along the hamlet. The VILLAGERS “joylessly” decorate the town, as they become the CHORUS in Catchet’s ballad. Then the two SONGS converge (Tom’s and Billy’s), which carries us into a show stopping finale. FADE TO BLACK. FADE UP TO: INT. DE WOLF’S FLAT - NIGHT A band of WILD LEMURS has infiltrated De Wolf’s apartment, ransacking it. Suddenly the wolf shows up, peering in, through the open door. DE WOLF I beg your pardon! The CHAOS comes to a halt. DE WOLF (CONT’D) Just what on earth do you think you’re doing? LEMUR ONE What does it look like we’re doing? We’re looting the place. De Wolf enters and SLAMS the door. A lemur falls from the scarf rack behind it. DE WOLF You’re not serious. LEMUR ONE (sarcastically) Well. Yeah. DE WOLF Would you care to tell me why? LEMUR ONE Uh, I dunno.
  47. 47. 46. LEMUR TWO It’s what we do, y’know. The room remains hushed. Every saucer eye is fixed on De Wolf. DE WOLF You’ve got exactly five minutes to put this place back together again. The lemurs eyeball each other. Then BURST out laughing. DE WOLF (CONT’D) Then I want everyone of you, out of here. LEMUR THREE Who are you? DE WOLF I live here. This happens to be my flat. LEMUR THREE Oh yeah? Well this property’s condemned. The animals all start laughing again. LEMUR ONE Yeah. You want us out, twinkle toes? The ruffians begin to band together like a pack of hungry lions. LEMUR ONE (CONT’D) Put us out. DE WOLF (suddenly rattled) Very well. Maybe I’ll talk to the superintendent about it. LEMUR ONE He jumped ship. LEMUR TWO Yeah, disappeared right off the face of the earth. DE WOLF Okay. I’ll alert the Constable.
  48. 48. 47. LEMUR ONE Go ahead. Lemur One steps right up to the wolf. LEMUR ONE (CONT’D) Who do you think give us the key, bub? EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT De Wolf treads away very slowly on his trusty steed, the building behind him now up in flames. WE SEE the lemurs in the distance, HOOTING and HOLLERING outside the fallen structure. DE WOLF I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. MARE So where do we hang our hats now detective? DE WOLF I’m afraid I can’t answer that Marewhether. EXT. BARREN GRAVE YARD - NIGHT The horse quietly tramples through a secluded cemetery. DE WOLF I assume this as good a place as any to lay our heads tonight. MARE Here? DE WOLF Why not? It’s certainly quiet enough. And I’m sure the present company won’t mind. MARE Yeah, well I’d just assume sleep in the gutter. DE WOLF Wait.
  49. 49. 48. They stop and gaze at the headstone of W.H. Boarman. Slumlord. WE HEAR the HOWL of a hound dog in the distance. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. GREY SKY - NIGHT The full moon. EXT. WOODED OUTSKIRTS - NIGHT Amid the SNORES of sleeping animals, Sheriff Howler leans against a tree, SNIFFING the wind. HOWLER (to his deputy) We’re closer. I can smell his blood. EXT. ANIMAL HOSPITAL - DAY ESTABLISHING. INT. HOSPITAL / RECORDS ROOM - CONTINUOUS De Wolf is sifting through medical reports. A flirtacious COW NURSE is watching closely over his shoulder. DE WOLF No symptoms reported? NURSE D.O.A. DE WOLF Diagnosis. Possibly poisoned. NURSE Uh-huh. DE WOLF Thank you nurse. Might I have a copy? NURSE I won’t tell if you won’t. She gives him a quick pinch on the rear. He jumps.
  50. 50. 49. INT. CORONER’S OFFICE / FILE ROOM - CONTINUOUS A four-eyed LLAMA (the coroner) studies De Wolf carefully, as the wolf filters through the paperwork. DE WOLF So no hard evidence of poison was found. LLAMA (circling the wolf) We found a tad of parsley. Possibly laced with arsonic. DE WOLF Possibly. You don’t know for sure. LLAMA Are you feeling well, Doctor? DE WOLF I feel perfectly fine, why? LLAMA You look a little pale around the snout. DE WOLF I assure you there’s nothing wrong with me. LLAMA Really? Getting enough nutrients are we? DE WOLF Not lately, I’m afraid. Rations mostly. BEAT. LLAMA Stay with that. The coroner takes his measuring tape, to size up the wolf. DE WOLF Do you mind? LLAMA Oh. Sorry. The llama wanders away. De Wolf places the report in his jacket.
  51. 51. 50. DE WOLF Do you come across many of these? These mysterious circumstance cases? LLAMA Only two others before this one. DE WOLF Really? EXT. CITY ROAD - NIGHT De Wolf is on horseback quietly galloping through town. DE WOLF This slumlord is getting more mysterious by the minute. MARE Perhaps we should pay a visit to the old hog’s house. DE WOLF Perhaps we should, indeed. INT. SLUMLORD’S FLAT - NIGHT De Wolf lights a lantern and raises it up, against the wall. A series of portraits revealing the slumlord posing on various race horses is aligned above the mantel. He spots one that stands out. Boarman is rubbing shoulders with a TASMANIAN DEVIL. DE WOLF (to himself) The liquidator. The devil himself. INT. SLUMLORD’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS De Wolf opens the warthog’s account ledger, running along the pages with a magnifying glass. Suddenly he notices the name of CONSTABLE DEWEY in the book. INT. SLUMLORD’S PARLOR - CONTINUOUS De Wolf flips through the pages of an old scrapbook.
  52. 52. 51. He finds several clippings of the slumlord and the “Devil.” Then a headline: “GILA MOBSTER KINGPIN SNUFFED OUT BY THE LIQUIDATOR.” DE WOLF Eureka! Suddenly, he hears the BREATH of a restless horse behind him. The wolf turns. The Reaper is sitting on his black steed. Its nostrils flaring. REAPER My horse doesn’t like you very much. De Wolf stand there. Frozen. REAPER (CONT’D) Come to think of it, I’m not too crazy about you myself. EXT. THE SLUMLORD’S FLAT - CONTINUOUS De Wolf quickly leaps on his horse with his briefcase in hand. DE WOLF Ride Mareweather! Ride! The chase is on. EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS The Mare scurries through the streets at lightning speeds, the Reaper close on her heels. MARE Don’t tell me, let me guess! We’re on to something! She suddenly WHIPS around a corner, instantly losing the dark ghost, but he swiftly resurfaces and gains momentum. DE WOLF It appears our warthog was a numbers runner! Racketeering for the Tasmanian Devil! The Mare cuts another corner and the chase continues.
  53. 53. 52. DE WOLF (CONT’D) My guess is, he was in, over his head in gambling debts! MARE And when it came time to make good... DE WOLF He welched! The Reaper continues to pick up speed, but the Mare quickly loses him again, as she jumps over the track of an on-coming train. MARE So did he really put the bite on his own tenants?! DE WOLF You bet he did! And the Constable too! The Reaper gracefully transcends through the passing train. The Mare curves around an abandoned building and finds herself behind a slow-moving donkey cart. She jumps over it, landing atop a bridge. Shortly, the Reaper corners the same building. De Wolf and the Mare watch from above the bridge, as the Reaper bulldozes beneath the cart and hightails under the bridge. Vanishing. DE WOLF (CONT’D) He’ll be back. Probably before the sunrises. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. ALLEYWAY - NIGHT De Wolf guides his horse into the alley. MARE I think I’d rather sleep in the cemetery. DE WOLF We should be safe here for the time being.
  54. 54. 53. They lie down, De Wolf resting against the horse, pulling his hat over his eyes and clutching his briefcase. MARE Cling on tightly to it, De Wolf. DE WOLF Right you are. It’s all the evidence we need. They slumber off to sleep. Suddenly, peeking from, inside a garbage can, a pair of RACCOONS. Then another from a drainage pipe, and three more from an empty beer barrel. INT. VALVAZAR’S PARLOR - NIGHT Catchet sits at the seance table, staring straight ahead. A hand puppet is pestering him, in his ear. The face of a monkey wearing a court jester hat. The vulture is mimicking with a high-pitched voice. VALAZAR Tell us a joke, me Lord. BEAT. No response from the bobcat. VALVAZAR Oh c’mon what’s the matter? Such a sour Puss n’ Boots. BEAT. Nothing. VALAZAR Such a sad face. Such a sad face on such a flat head. BEAT. Still nothing. VALVAZAR Poor kitty cat. Poor little silly nilly snookcums kitty. Catchet snatches the puppet and starts beating its head against the table.
  55. 55. 54. BOB CATCHET I am not a kitty cat! VALVAZAR (calmly) Bob. BOB CATCHET You hear me?! VALVAZAR Bob. BOB CATCHET You stupid little monkey! VALVAZAR Oh Bob. BOB CATCHET I’m not! I’m not! I’m not! VALVAZAR Bob! He stops. VALVAZAR (CONT’D) You’re beating the living daylights out of a hand puppet. BOB CATCHET I’m sorry. Don’t know what came over me. Gently rubbing its head. BOB CATCHET (CONT’D) Sorry, ol’ boy. Didn’t mean to call you a stupid monkey. The vulture stares. BOB CATCHET (CONT’D) I’m sure you must be quite a very charming little fellow. VALVAZAR Okay, see now you’re scaring me. BOB CATCHET Sorry. BEAT.
  56. 56. 55. VALVAZAR Wait. She slowly rises. VALVAZAR (CONT’D) I see another vision. BOB CATCHET Well hallelujah! Another vision! VALVAZAR Shhhh. It’s a wolf. BOB CATCHET A wolf? Seeking to harm the goat? VALVAZAR No. It’s a psychologist or private investigator or something. BOB CATCHET What does he want? There is silence. BOB CATCHET (CONT’D) Where is he? VALAZAR He’s in danger. BOB CATCHET Where? VALAZAR You must go. The vulture grabs him and begins shoving him toward the door. BOB CATCHET Go where? VALAZAR You must find him. BOB CATCHET Yes, yes of course. VALAZAR Here, take this. It will protect you. She hands him a magic wan.
  57. 57. 56. BOB CATCHET What is it? Protect me from what? VALAZAR Black death. They stop at the door. BOB CATCHET I beg your pardon? VALAZAR It’s okay. I gave you my best wan. BOB CATCHET Am I going to die? VALAZAR Strong possibility, big guy. Bob stares. VALVAZAR I mean no. No you’re not going to die. She pushes him out the door. VALAZAR Now go. Go hero go! And don’t look him directly in the eye! She closes the door. Bob opens it. BOB CATCHET What was that last part? VALAZAR Just go! She SLAMS the door, pressing against it. VALVAZAR (to herself) That is one dead pussy cat. EXT. THE ALLEY - CONTINUOUS De Wolf and the Mare are bound and gagged, struggling to break free. The band of raccoons are giggling as they filter through the wolf’s pockets and rummage through his case.
  58. 58. 57. VOICE (O.S.) Stop! In the name of... They all look and discover Bob Catchet on his bicycle. BOB CATCHET Of, of...wizardry! The coons gaze at each other. Then begin to laugh. Catchet then suddenly hears the voice of Valvazar. VALVAZAR (V.O.) Catchet. Can you hear me? BOB CATCHET Uh, yes? VALVAZAR Use the wan. BOB CATCHET What? VALVAZAR The wan, dummy! The wan! BOB CATCHET Oh, right. He pulls it out. BOB CATCHET (CONT’D) Thieves! This is your last warning! They cease laughing. BEAT. They laugh again. BOB CATCHET (CONT’D) Okay. The bobcat begins ZAPPING like nobody’s business. The coons scatter away, in a frenzy. BOB CATCHET (CONT’D) (to the invisible vulture) And don’t call me dummy. He blows the end of his wan like a cowboy. The wolf and horse look stunned.
  59. 59. 58. EXT. THE SHALLOW MANOR - CONTINUOUS Sheriff Howler and his posse slowly creep toward the goat’s homestead. HOWLER Shhhh. He gives the signal. HOWLER (CONT’D) Now! Two burly guerillas lugging an enormous log begin BASHING the door with it. INTERCUT. EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS De Wolf gallops swiftly on horseback through the city. Catchet quickly trailing behind him on his bicycle. DE WOLF Quickly! We’re running out of time! INTERCUT. THE MANOR. The door begins to give way. INTERCUT. INT. THE OFFICE OF BARRISTER HOOTY - CONTINUOUS De Wolf and Catchet stand a good distance away from the studious OWL attorney. BARRISTER HOOTY, who sits at his desk thumbing through a law journal. DE WOLF Barrister Hooty. Is there anything at all you could tell us? BOB CATCHET Maybe you know some of his hideouts. DE WOLF When and where did you last see him?
  60. 60. 59. HOOTY Who? BEAT. DE WOLF For pity sake, Barrister. Old Billy your client for the past ten years. DE WOLF (CONT’D) Who do you think we’ve been ranting about all this time? HOOTY I dunno. Who? Bob and De Wolf ogle each other. BEAT. DE WOLF AND CATCHET (together) Never mind. INTERCUT. THE MANOR. The door is breached. INTERCUT. INT. COURT HOUSE / JUDGE’S CHAMBER - CONTINUOUS The MAGISTRATE, a silver-haired orangutan sits at his desk twiddling his thumbs. DE WOLF There’s a lynch mob out to get him My Lord. BOB CATCHET Savages. DE WOLF Blood thirsty beasts. Ready to skin him alive. BOB CATCHET We want swift justice against these assassins.
  61. 61. 60. DE WOLF To the fullest extent of the law. MAGISTRATE I’m just an “orang-ment” judge. I’m afraid there’s not much I can do. Quiet, they start for the door. Then... DE WOLF I don’t get it. If you only handle orang-ments. Why do they call you the hanging judge? MAGISTRATE (dangling from the ceiling) Because I like to swing on chandeliers! Whoopee! They watch. Then... DE WOLF AND CATCHET (together) Never mind. INTERCUT. MANOR. The door caves in. The brutish beasts BURST into an empty dwelling. HOWLER Deputy. The grey fox hands the sheriff his shot gun. HOWLER (CONT’D) Y’all stay put. Keep a look out. The sheriff and his deputy tread quietly into the foyer. EXT. THE LAVATORY - CONTINUOUS A strange BUBBLING noise is heard behind the door. The sheriff slowly opens the door.
  62. 62. 61. INT. THE LAV - CONTINUOUS It’s right out of the Frankenstein movies. BOILING chemicals. BOLTS of lightning. And then an even stranger discovery. A gigantic glass bubble with a corked mouth, containing the THREE GHOSTS; Muley, The Goose and The Beast all trapped like Genies in a bottle. HOWLER What in tarnation is going on? EXT. ROOFTOP / CHIMNEY - CONTINUOUS The three ghosts escape into the night. I/E. THE MANOR - CONTINUOUS The sheriff and his deputy rush out of the house, to the front stoop. HOWLER Follow them ghosts! The mob begins CHEERING and YELPING. The chase is on again. EXT. ABANDONED STREET - CONTINUOUS DE Wolf hobbles on his steed, while the bobcat peddles behind them. DE WOLF Two days. Two days before the eve of Christmas. MARE We’re no closer to finding him now than we were five days ago. BOB CATCHET We’re getting closer, mates. I just know it. Suddenly, the wheels on Bob’s bicycle catch. BOB CATCHET (CONT’D) Wait a minute. What’s happening? DE WOLF What is it, Bob?
  63. 63. 62. BOB CATCHET I dunno. She won’t budge. His bike begins to levitate. MARE Great day in the morning. DE WOLF Catchet! Where are you going? BOB CATCHET It’s alright! It’s the old bird! She’s showing me where he lives! MARE Goodness me. Do be careful! BOB CATCHET Just wait here! EXT. THE SCAVENGER’S ROAD - CONTINUOUS The wild beasts continue to follow the spirits in the sky. EXT. SKY / ABOVE THE ROOFTOPS - CONTINUOUS The airborne bobcat carries on, steering over the chimney tops. BOB CATCHET (to himself) Now what was that she said about the chimneys? He soars along a clutter of hovels with burning chimneys. BOB CATCHET (CONT’D) Smoking chimneys. Smoking chimneys. He continues drifting through the sky. BOB CATCHET (CONT’D) Oh yeah. He slowly begins hovering. BOB CATCHET (CONT’D) Smoking chimneys are a dead giveaway.
  64. 64. 63. He spots a single cottage in the distance. The only one without a burning chimney. BOB CATCHET (O.S.) (CONT’D) Where embers never burn at all, is where the enemy usually comes to call. He freezes, gazing. BOB CATCHET (CONT’D) Bingo. REAPER Bingo, indeed. The master of death sits on his steed, who now bares wings. EXT. SCAVENGER’S ROAD - CONTINUOUS The posse is suddenly at a dead end. Stopping right at the edge of a river. HOWLER (to his deputy) Y’know, somehow I get the feeling this was all part of their plan. DEPUTY You think? EXT. THE NIGHT SKY - CONTINUOUS The Reaper is after Catchet. They ZOOM through the sky, dodging trees. WHIZZING past chimneys and over rooftops. The Reaper flings fireballs at the helpless bobcat. Catchet quickly peers down below. BOB CATCHET (referring to the wolf and the Mare) Where are they? REAPER Uh, well... INTERCUT.
  65. 65. 64. EXT. RAVINE - CONTINUOUS De Wolf and the Mare are separated, fighting the strong currents of a flowing stream. INTERCUT. BACK TO BOB AND THE REAPER - The Reaper and the bobcat remain in flight, as death continues to give chase, thrusting his enormous flames. REAPER But enough of this small talk. How’s the family, Bob? Still peddling, Catchet turns, staring at the grave face of death. BOB CATCHET Don’t even think about it. REAPER I don’t hurt animals, Bob. The Reaper pulls tiny Tom Catchet from his dark cloak. His mouth taped, his little body tied. REAPER (CONT’D) I just put them out of their misery. BOB CATCHET Tom! Catchet immediately comes down for a landing, near a snow- patched embankment. The Reaper follows suit. Catchet jumps off his bike. The Reaper remains on his horse. BOB CATCHET (CONT’D) (pointing the wan) You let him go. REAPER Now, Bob. Under the present circumstances, you really think that’s a good idea? BOB CATCHET Where’s my family?
  66. 66. 65. REAPER Uh, yeah I’ve been meaning to tell you about that. INTERCUT. INT. GRANDMA CATCHET’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Mrs. Catchet, her mother and the children are all bound and gagged together in a chair. The entire house is literally turning sideways. REAPER (O.S.) It appears their pathetic little world is suddenly turning up-side- down. INTERCUT. BACK TO BOB AND THE REAPER - Bob stands frozen, still aiming his wan. REAPER Break it. BEAT. Bob SNAPS the wan in two. REAPER (CONT’D) That’s better. BOB CATCHET Now let him go! REAPER Humph, lemme think. Uh, no. EXT. SKY - CONTINUOUS The three ghosts spot the doomed wolf and his horse. GOOSE There they are! De Wolf and the Mare are getting closer toward the down stream waterfall.
  67. 67. 66. MULEY I’ll handled this one! You two go take care of the Cachets The Lion and the Goose scurry away - Muley soars down toward the helpless pair. He meets the edge of the waterfall, mysteriously forming the flowing water into a slope of ice - freezing the entire lake below. The wolf and the Mare skid down the icy hill, accelerating right into a pile of snow, against the base of a mountain. Both suddenly PLUCK their heads up, from the snow. DE WOLF You okay? MARE Never been better. You? DE WOLF I gotta a pulse. I’m good. EXT. EMBANKMENT - CONTINUOUS Catchet continues to face-off with the Reaper. BOB CATCHET I’m going to count to five. If you don’t hand ‘em over... REAPER You’ll what? Call the authorities? Are you trying to hurt my feelings? EXT. GRANDMA CATCHET’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Now the house is completely on its side, toppling over. The roots from the ground becoming visible. The goose and the Lion propel toward the house, stopping in mid air. GOOSE This one’s mine. THE BEAST Right. The lion flees.
  68. 68. 67. The Goose waves her wings and suddenly the house flips back over, upright. She applauds herself. EXT. EMBANKMENT - CONTINUOUS The standoff continues. BOB CATCHET Three... REAPER Can we hurry this up? I gotta meet a couple of stool pigeons down by the quarry. BOB CATCHET Don’t tell me. You’re killing two birds with one stone. BEAT. REAPER Who have you been talking to? EXT. FROZEN LAGOON - CONTINUOUS De Wolf and the Mare pick themselves up. The wolf brushes the snow off of himself and his horse. Muley comes floating overhead. MULEY (pointing) I believe that’s what you’re looking for. They suddenly notice the isolated cottage, nestled in the woods. MULEY (CONT’D) Go to ‘em. EXT. EMBANKMENT - CONTINUOUS Catchet bows his head, then raises it. BOB CATCHET Five. The Reaper applauds.
  69. 69. 68. REAPER Nicely done, Catchet. But if you think I’m still gonna hand over this kid... Just then WE HEAR the Lion’s ROAR. REAPER (CONT’D) Handing over the kid. The Reaper tosses the tomcat toward the bobcat who catches him. Suddenly from the sky, the Beast POUNCES down to the ground, on all fours. He GROWLS at death. REAPER (CONT’D) Leo. I’ve never seen this side of you before. The Beast SNARLS. REAPER (CONT’D) You’re usually the happy-go-lucky sort. THE BEAST Needless to say bonehead, you bring out the beast in me. The lion stands upright. A spiked club materializes in his hand. REAPER It takes a ghost to kill a ghost. The Reaper produces his scythe. REAPER (CONT’D) Bring it on, whiskers. EXT. THE COTTAGE IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS De Wolf stands in the distant breeze, watching the door of the cabin open and close from the wind. EXT. SCAVENGER’S ROAD - CONTINUOUS The soaking wet posse is now scampering through the snow. A lit torch is being passed around.
  70. 70. 69. HOWLER Keep them torches burning, critters! All of you! EXT. EMBANKMENT - CONTINUOUS The Reaper and the lion are in attack mode. A slow tango before the kill. THE BEAST I got a bone to pick with you Reaper. One by one. REAPER Oh yeah? Well I got this long, sharp, curvy blade thingy...so back off fuzz ball. INT. THE COTTAGE / PARLOR - CONTINUOUS De Wolf wanders in. Suddenly a large knife flies past his nose, darting into the wall. WE SEE the goat in his easy chair. OLD BILLY Surely you joust, Wolfy. BEAT. De Wolf pulls the knife out of the wall. DE WOLF I do, indeed. And certainly much better than you throw a blade, goat. INTERCUT. EMBANKMENT The battle between the lion and death is on. The Beast getting the best of the Reaper. INTERCUT.
  71. 71. 70. SCAVENGER’S ROAD The torches are burning. The mob scurries on. INTERCUT. THE COTTAGE. The old goat gets up from his chair with his sword in hand. He approaches the doctor. OLD BILLY Ever laughed in the face of a buffalo? DE WOLF I have not. OLD BILLY Ever spit in an elephant’s eye? DE WOLF No. OLD BILLY I’ve made mince meat out of the king of beasts himself, my friend. The goat draws his sword. OLD BILLY (CONT’D) Like plucking wings off an innocent fly. INTERCUT. EMBANKMENT The Lion and the Reaper tussle to the ground. INTERCUT. SCAVENGER’S ROAD The animal mob continues forward. Lit torches blazing across the sky. INTERCUT.
  72. 72. 71. THE COTTAGE. The Goat and the Wolf are now mixing. De Wolf has the knife, Old Billy the sword. OLD BILLY The trouble with you quacks, is you think the pen is mightier than the sword! Billy lunges like a swashbuckler on the deck of a vessel. OLD BILLY (CONT’D) Well whatta ye think now, ducky? Huh? Quack, quack, quack! INTERCUT. EMBANKMENT The Reaper is on top of the beast, slamming the back of his head against the ground. BEAT. Death stops to check his watch. REAPER Note to self. Never buy a used watch from a guy named Lucifer. He picks up where he left off. INTERCUT. THE COTTAGE. The goat suddenly gets his foot caught in a rattrap and SNAP! He hobbles backwards, CRASHING into a granddaddy cuckoo clock, sending the birdy CUCKOOING out of control. De Wolf strides over, presses his boot against the downed goat’s throat. DE WOLF I know about the slumlord. The goat peers up with angry eyes. INTERCUT.
  73. 73. 72. EMBANKMENT Catchet and Tom watch as the Beast is being strangled by Death. Suddenly the lion is able to kick him away, sending the Reaper soaring through the air and landing up-side-down, in the snow. The lion approaches, stops. The Reaper begins spinning on his head, going into a break dance. Then jumping to his feet... REAPER Sorry. Always wanted to do that. INTERCUT. THE COTTAGE. The goat is still down. DE WOLF You had a nasty scrap with the warthog, didn’t you? OLD BILLY Boxed me ears, he did. The old humbug. DE WOLF He was dirty, Billy. In cahoots with a gang of filthy undesirables. The goat grimaces. DE WOLF (CONT’D) It was the bug, Billy. Not poison, what done ‘em in. OLD BILLY Bug? De Wolf bends down to his level, the blade at the goat’s neck. DE WOLF Mad mammal syndrome. The goat’s red eyes gaze.
  74. 74. 73. DE WOLF (CONT’D) That’s right, Billy. He caught it from the big Gila. Then the Tasmanian Devil. OLD BILLY And I got it from the slumlord. DE WOLF Murder. That’s what they’re calling it. OLD BILLY Murder? All because I... DE WOLF Was the last one to see him alive. INTERCUT. EMBANKMENT The Lion’s club meets the Reaper’s shank. As they struggle, the Reaper suddenly knees the great Beast in the stomach. The lion goes down. The Reaper approaches with his blade. REAPER This is so last week. He ditches the weapon and grabs the beast by the tail. Swinging him around and around. INTERCUT. THE COTTAGE. De Wolf brings the knife closer to Old Billy’s throat. DE WOLF You’re an innocent goat, Billy. And you’re not a menace. The goat is eyeing the knife. DE WOLF (CONT’D) But you are mad. OLD BILLY Why Wolfy. I do believe you want to run me through.
  75. 75. 74. DE WOLF As a matter of fact... De Wolf tosses the knife and pulls out a huge syringe. DE WOLF (CONT’D) That’s precisely what I had in mind. EXT. THE COTTAGE IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS The vigilant posse is silent, as they creep toward the cabin. Suddenly, they hear the SHRILL of the goat and stop in their tracks. EXT. THE EMBANKMENT - CONTINUOUS Death continues whirling the lion around by his tail. REAPER You dare to match wits with the doctor of doom?! The master of mutilation?! The destroyer of the all animal-kind?! FEMALE VOICE (O.S.) Francis. Put the nice kitty down. The Reaper whisks his bony head around. REAPER Mother? The lion is suddenly propelled through a distant cloud. There stands the REAPER’S MOTHER. A shorter version of himself. MOTHER REAPER Get over here this instant. Head bowed, the doctor of doom straddles toward her. MOTHER REAPER (CONT’D) Shame on you. I want you to take a real good look at yourself. From behind, she whips out a huge mirror. The Reaper peers. REAPER Wow. Talk about signs of aging.