A sketch comedy script. © 2020 Nancy Ferranti. All rights reserved.

1. JUST TO SPICE THINGS UP
CHAR: LINDSEY, CARRIE, BRENDA
SYNOP: Housewives share ways they spice up their life.
INT: LINDSEY, CARRIE and BRENDA on stage.
Q LIGHTS FADE ON
LINDSEY
Did you hear about Stacey's trip to Vegas?
CARRIE
I don't even want to hear it. Stacey and her
crew think they're so cool because they don't
have children. They think all we do is drop our
kids off at soccer, cook green bean casserole,
and give hand jobs while watching The Great
British Baking show
LINDSEY
So not true, I only give handjobs while
watching Peaky Blinders.
BRENDA
Oh that’s so much spicier.
CARRIE
Yah, speaking of spice... just to spice things
up sometimes I'll wear a Chanel blouse twice in
the same week!
LINDSEY
Oh my god, bad girl...
BRENDA
Well, just to spice things up, I drop Jake off
at band practice, without a bra on...
The other girls gasp.
BRENDA
… when it's below 60 degrees!

2. LINDSEY
Shut up!
CARRIE
Can you say spice rack?!
LINDSEY
Well, Jusst to spice things up I go online as
Melania the translator, innocently flirt with
men, steel their information and sell it on the
deep web... in Valentino resort wear...
The other girls gasp.
LINDSEY
...In Winter!
CARRIE & BRENDA
NOOOOOO!
CARRIE
Sometimes, jusst to spice things up, I tell
Jared I have a late pta meeting, go out to that
little bar on 5th st, pretend to be Samantha
the Miniature Golfer, take guys back to my car,
show them that I play with more than three
holes, and piss in all 18 of them...
The other girls gasp.
CARRIE
...in off-brand Gucci!
BRENDA
You are not serious!
LINDSEY
She is not serious!
BRENDA
Someone get a lid for that spice jar!

3. LINDSEY
And while you’re at it pick up a bucket
because jussst to spice things up, I'll
take a shit at the foot of my bed and
pretend it was the dog…
The other girls gasp.
... in a Versace romper knockoff!
CARRIE & BRENDA
You rebel!
BRENDA
Sometimes, just to spice things up
I'll go onto Etsy...
CARRIE
LOVE Etsy, so cute.
BRENDA
...do a little of that coke you can smoke...
CARRIE
LOVE crack, so cute.
BRENDA
... And spend a wild 72 hours
writing Yelp reviews about artisanal
potpourri sets...
The other girls gasp.
...in a sheer backless top!
CARRIE & LINDSEY
NOOOOO!
CARRIE
Well, get this: jusssst to spice things up
when people don't RSVP to my dinner
parties, I call their house, pretend to be
from city maintenance, tell them there's a
gas leak on their street and need to

4. evacuate and when they leave I sneak in
and detonate a pipe bomb!
The other girls gasp.
...in a white pantsuit AFTER labour day!
CARRIE & BRENDA
(losing their shit)
NOT A WHITE PANTSUIT.
BRENDA
She is so spicy it burns!
CARRIE
Oh it burns alright, third degree burns,
because I also rewire their bidets to shoot
out scalding, hot water into their
buttholes…
The other girls gasp.
...While wearing a white leather miniature
Fedora!
LINDSEY
Ditch the boiling water and scorch those
assholes with your fingers, because you are HOT
BRENDA
Simmering!
CARRIE
PICANTE
LINDSEY
NO..SPICEY! Which reminds me, jusssst to spice
things up I’ll go to the airport with more than
3.4 ounces of liquid, a tid of weed, and with
EBOLA... in a TJ MAXX CARDIGAN
BRENDA
NO!

5. CARRIE
Call the fashion police!
BRENDA
Don’t dial 911 just yet, because jussst to
spice things up, I’ll treat myself to a guilt
free shopping spree, and wear my new couture on
my guilt free murder spreeee!!!!
Umms and what
CARRIE
Brenda, murder spree? killing people? That’s
not okay…
BRENDA
It’s not okay, it’s seriousllly spicccyy...
CARRIE
No, it’s seriously scary criminal behaviour!
BRENDA
So you’re saying it’s a crime to be a
trendsetter? That it’s “criminal behaviour” to
pair last seasons Prada with this season’s
murder?
LINDSEY
Yes, that is exactly what we’re saying!
(realizes something)​ Oh god, is that what you
were doing when you invited me to go shopping
on Rodeo Drive last week?
BRENDA
Uh yeah! I cleaned out 3 designer discount
racks and knocked out 3 innocent people in the
back of my Lexus…
CARRIE
I’m calling 911!

6. BRENDA
...WHILE WEARING SOCK AND SANDALS!
CARRIE
SOCKS. AND SANDALS. NO NO NOOO. IT CAN’T BE.
BRENDA
You’re right, it can’t.. because it wasn’t. IT
WAS BLACK SOCKS AND ORANGE CROCS
CARRIE & LINDSEY
BLACK SOCKS AND ORANGE CROCS, BLACK SOCKS AND
ORANGE CROCS
Everyone is freaking out and yelling ‘spicey’ exclamations
like “Bad girl” “Spicy”
​ Q LIGHTS OFF