A sketch comedy script. © 2020 Nancy Ferranti. All rights reserved.

1. GROUP INTERVIEW
Nancy Ferranti
CHAR: JOHN, CARL, LOIS, BOSS
TECH: None
PROPS: 4 chairs, 1 desk
SYNOP: Candidates at a group interview one-up each other.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING
LIGHTS UP
John, Carl and Louis stand outside the Boss’s office. Boss walks
across the stage to open the office door.
BOSS
Hello, you must be John, Louis and Carl, here for
the group interview, come in!
They talk as they get situated
JOHN
Mr. Lewis, I LOVE that tie. Truly.
LOIS
John, I couldn't agree more, I would literally
DIE for that tie.
CARL
SAME Louis! (chuckles) But only after I
impregnate my wife to give up my first born for
THAT TIE!
BOSS
Wow! You guys seem great! (Beat) I'd like to
thank you all for coming today.
JOHN
Of course, I've been looking forward to it all
day!
BOSS shakes JOHN's hand.
​CARL
John, the entire day? WOW! It's only been at the
top of my mind THIS WHOLE WEEK!

2.
BOSS shakes CARL'S hand.
LOUIS
John, Carl, that’s impressive. And I wish I could
say the same. But I can’t. This interview has not
been at the top of my mind all day ​or ​all week
because there is no “top” of my mind BECAUSE there
is only ONE thing on my mind: THIS interview. I
don't think about "different things," I obsess over
one thing: getting. this. job. It's not been at the
top of my mind, because it's ALSO been at the
bottom of my mind. On the sides of it. ALL AROUND
IT, and out the door...to the window, to the wall,
to the SWEAT DRIP DOWN MY-"
BOSS
Louis! Your devotion is unbelievable!
CARL
Yes Louis,​ ​unbelievable! Kind of like how UNREAL
it is to beleive ​my​ SUPER unbeielivable,
KAFTKA-FUCKING-ESQ level of devotion. A devotion
that spans back generations of reincarnated forms
of my soul. I may be excited for this interview
now, but I was on pins and needles during my past
life as an ant in 14 BC
LOUIS
NEET-O, Carl! ​BUT​ while you were on pins and
needles, ​metaphorically​, I was pins and needles,
literally.​ A bed of pins and needles I crafted
for the sole purpose of pleasuring myself to the
mere thought of how devoted I am to this. here.
interview. (Beat) (Suggestive) Really hit that
last nail in my coffin if ya know what I mean
BOSS
Louis, I do not know what you mean, but I love
it! Now, I want to hear about your backgrounds,
John?
JOHN
Well, I'm from a small town
BOSS

3. I'm a small town boy myself! Where from?
JOHN
The town is so small, it's actually called
‘Small Town’
CARL
No WAY! I’m also from a small town! An even
smaller​ town. Tiny Town Louisiana!
BOSS
Louisiana, a fellow southerner!
LOIS
(suddenly has extreme southern accent) Just like
me! Carl, I DULY respect your Tiny Town folk. We
just don't have the same grit in my ​even smaller
hometown, Microscopic Town.
JOHN
That town and your accent cannot be real.
LOIS
Classic. Tryna make a fool of the country
bumpkin. "Oooo Imma city slicker from the BIG
city Small Town! I can't read the microscopic
letters on the microscopic sign to microscopic
town, so it must not exist!” The NERVE of some
folk. [OR: RUDE]
BOSS makes noise and scribbles something down
JOHN
Wait! What are you writing? That's not what I
meant!
BOSS
Hmm, inability to articulate..moving on
JOHN has incredulous physical reaction
BOSS CONT.
I'd like to know why you are applying for the
position. John?
JOHN

4. To be honest (sign) my mother is in the hospital
and I need extra money to pay the bills.
BOSS
Wow John, thank you for your honesty.
CARL
Yes John. Thank you. Now I have the courage to
admit that ​my​ mom, ​her mom​ and her mom's mom mom,
are ​also​ in the hospital.
JOHN
(skeptical) For what?
CARL
The bubonic plague
JOHN
Do people still get that?
CARL
No. Which is why it’s so damn devastating. Doc
laid it out clear. He said, "Carl, Carl’s mom,
Carl's mom's mom, and Carl's mom's mom mom, will
all have to get every appendage amputated unless
Carl gets the job."
LOIS
Carl, John, you are courageous. I just need the money
for pacemakers. Pacemakers for my entire extended
family that all happened to have heart attacks at the
exact moment I found out about this job.
BOSS
DAMN this decision will be hard. Let’s talk past
work experiences. John?
JOHN
Well, I was a janitor at Facebook until I worked
my way up to team manager.
BOSS
I like someone who can do the dirty work!
LOIS
Well, I don't know how to do the dirty work, but
I do know how to do the disgusting work-

5.
CARL puts finger to LOUIS’S lips
CARL
SHH Louis. While I applaud your disgusting work,
I give STANDING OVATIONS to my HORRIFIC work -
spending long, arduous hours, shoveling shit into
bathtubs then bathing in those bathtubs for days
JOHN
Who​ are you working for?
CARL
The man, John. The man.
JOHN
What man? What man is hiring a shit shoveler?
CARL
Shit-shoveler!? I may shovel shit but I am more
than the shit that I shovel. Do you call the men
that collect trash TRASH COLLECTORS?
JOHN
Uhh, yah-
CARL
NO JOHN. YOU DON’T. YOU CALL THEM GARBAGEMEN. And
just like a garbage man, I am also a man. But not
a man of garbage, a man of poo - of piles and
piles and piles of shoveled poo.
JOHN
Oookay, I guess you’re a poo-man then?
CARL
Poo-​man? (Beat) POO-MAN? THIS IS THE 21 CENTURY.
(Beat)​POO-PERSON​!
JOHN
You must be kidding.
BOSS
John, show some professionalism! First making fun
of Carl’s microscopic roots, and now invalidating
his vocation. Come on.

6. JOHN
Come on​? They're lying! Shit shoveling?
Microscopic Town?! You know, you all can suck my
microscopic dick! (Awkward pause). Wait-
LOIS
Embarrassing…
CARL
Awkwardd….
BOSS
You can leave now.
JOHN huffs and exits.
BOSS
Thank god. Now, Lois, a whole family that needs
pacemakers? Carl, shit-shoveling? I’m sorry, I
can’t give the job to either of you knowing that
you lied straight to my face.. so GOD DAMN WELL.
I’m offering your BOTH the position ABOVE this
position. ​Welcome to the Trump 2020 campaign,
you’re just the type of small town,
shit-shovelling, southern folk we need to make
America great again
BLACKOUT