A sketch comedy script. © 2020 Nancy Ferranti. All rights reserved.

1. HAMBURGER DELUXE
CHAR:
CLARK - A radio producer who just wants to record an ad.
JIM JIMISON - Using Arrested Development’s Tobias as a guide, an
extreme character who can be somewhat morphed to the performer’s
liking. Think: absolutely unaware failed dramaturg.
SYNOP: A simple radio ad gets thwarted by a method actor.
**NOTES: Some of JIM’s lines can be ad-libbed during performance.
They are marked in the script. The sentiment should still be
communicated, but the exact content ​can​ be left up to the performer.
The performer may also read the script as is, though.
INT: RADIO STUDIO.
CLARK pacing downstage center on phone while Jim Jimison mime fiddles
with radio equipment up stage right. There is a table with a mic on
it center stage.
Q LIGHTS UP
CLARK
Well Peter we’re fucked, without a voice actor we
can’t do the ad. Guess I’ll just pack up the
equipment.
Just as CLARK snaps phone shut, JIM enthusiastically jumps in.
JIM JIMISON
Woah woah woah, no need to panic! I’m somewhat of an
ac-tor myself, I can fill in.
JIM does a little hop and a skip and mimes taking off a top hat
to introduce himself.
JIM JIMISON CONT.
Jim Jimison. Production Assistant and method actor.
CLARK
(Skeptical, tired, doesn’t want to deal
with this man, just wants to get the ad
done)

2. Uh, sure. Okay. So, this is a simple ad spot. All you
have to do is repeat the line, “Come on down to
Hamburger Deluxe.” Any questions?
JIM JIMISON
Just one boss, who is my-
(Adopts a very bad pseudo French, which is
also somehow somewhat Yiddish, accent to
say the word “character”)
-charoc-tar?
CLARK
Your what?
JIM JIMISON
You know.. as the French say, charoc-ta-
CLARK
(Abruptly stop JIM, already starting to
lose patience)
-Oh. Character. Yah. (Clearly) Just a typical
American​ ​who wants to tell all their friends to,
“Come on down to Hamburger Deluxe.” (Beat) All you
have to do is say the line. On my count: 3 - 2 - 1
JIM JIMISON
*AD-LIB LINE*​ (Heinous southern accent) All my
friends, Ronson, Timmy Boy Jones, Razzle Dazzle
Rimpkins America Jr., I’ve scippled some finger
licking news about a new meat saloon! Parle around
the hay bail is you gotta come on DONKEY to Hamburger
DeLONKEY! YEE HAW!
CLARK
Jim, what are you doing?
JIM JIMISON
*AD-LIB LINE*​ Jim Jimison doesn’t know what he’s
doing but (back to southern accent) Luscious Lusiver,
the all-american Texas boi at heart, Minnesotan man
after dark wants everyone, (winks at no one in
particular) especially the ladies, to come, to cummm-

3. CLARK
Don’t finish-
JIM crudely and sillily sinks to the floor in split-like
formation while more weirdly than sexually, but still both,
finishes the sentence.
JIM
-uuummmm on dooownnnn to Hamburger Deluxeeee
CLARK staring at Jim in confusion and impatience as JIM
clutches the table between them, panting, catching his breath,
struggling to get up from his not-that-low of a squat.
CLARK
(Beat) Jim, I just need you to say, “Come on Down to
Hamburger Deluxe”
JJ
But WHO is coming-on-down to Hamburger Deluxe Clark?
What ​is​ Hamburger Deluxe?
CLARK
A hamburger chain, Jim. The very hamburger chain this
ad is about.
JIM JIMISON
*AD-LIB LINE*​ But what is my characters WANT, who is
my characters LUST, what is my characters (bad
Christina Aguliera impression) favorite song, who
does my character (whips out knife) WANT TO MURDER
CLARK
No one! Christ, Jim. Your character wants to murder
no one! Holy shit man, okay, I’ll give you a
character. Here (beat) You are Dave. Dave the dad.
Dave the dad who wants his family to eat some FUCKING
hamburgers, does that work for you?
JIM JIMISON
Indeedlydeedlyteely-
CLARK

4. (Exasperated, tense) -JUST (sighs) say the line Jim.
3-2-1-
JIM JIMISON
*AD-LIB LINE*​(Impression of Bob Dylan doing an
impression of the talking heads) Fa Fa Faaa Come on
down to Hamburger Deluxe (transitions into a
Broadway-esq scatting impression and taps across
stage) skiddly doo-bop we’re on Brooadwayy
Silence. CLARK is not impressed. In fact CLARK has never heard
something he’s hated more.
CLARK
What was that Jim.
JIM JIMISON
Dave the Dad! Dave the Dad doing his favourite
impression of Bob Dylan doing an impression of the
Talking Heads.. while scatting.. on Broadway! (In
impression) I’m Dave the Dad on BROOADWWAYY, burning
down the-
CLARK
-I just really hate that JIm. (Beat) Okay, I’m going
to try one last technique - Rapid Fire. I say a line
and you repeat it. Rapidly. Very simple. Ready?
JIM
(Sheepishly) Indeedlydood-
CLARK
-Just repeat after me Jim.
(Beat)
Come on down to hamburger deluxe
JIM JIMISON
Come on down to hamburger lunch
CLARK
(enunciating) Hamburger deluxe
JIM JIMISON

5. Hamburgers for lunch!
CLARK
COME ON DOWN TO HAMBURGER DELUXE
JIM JIMISON
COME DOWN, ITS A HAM DELUXE!
CLARK
HAMBURGER DELUXE
JIM JIMISON
ITS A HAM DELUXE!
CLARK
HAMBURGER DELUXE
JJ
HAM STARBUCKS
CLARK
HAMBURGER DELUXE
JIM JIMISON
HAMBURGER DELUXE
CLARK
YES JIM! YES! NOW, SAY THE FIRST PART
JIM JIMISON
THE FIRST PART
CLARK
NO, “COME ON DOWN”
JIM JIMISON
NO, COME ON DOWN
CLARK
COME​ ON DOWN
JIM JIMISON
RUN ​DMC!

6. CLARK CLARKSON
FOUND ON ROUTE 6 AND ROUTE 9
JIM JIMISON
FOUND ON ROUTE 6 OR ROUTE 9
CLARK
NO, ROUTE 6 ​AND​ ROUTE 9
JIM JIMISON
NO, ROUTE I LOVE 69
CLARK CLARKSON
FOUND. ON. ROUTE 6. AND ROUTE 9!!!!
JIM JIMISON
FOUND. ON. TOOT! TOOT! 69!
CLARK
(Going bananas at this point)
FOUND ON ROUTE 6 OR ROUTE 9
JIM JIMISON
69. UNTIL. YOURASS IS RAW!!!!!!!!
CLARK
DO YOU JIM, DO YOU 69. UNTIL. YOURASS. RAW. DO LOVE
69 JIM DO YOU LOVE 69 SO MUCH YOU WANT TO RUIN MY AD
JIM. YOU JUST WANT TO 69 ALL OVER MY AD JIM, IS THAT
WHAT YOU WANT
JIM JIMISON
Relax. Dude. I just want you to come on down to
Hamburger Deluxe. Found on route 6 and route 9, Eat
and drive through.
Q LIGHTS BLACKOUT