1. Report: Catholics Postpone St. Patrick’s Day Until After Lent, Plan To Get Drunk Guilt Free
By Nadia Link, Staff Writer
Word Count:600
This is combing the concept of Catholic guilt which is at an all­time high during Lent with the binge
drinking associated with St. Patrick’s Day. Also makes fun of Irish stereotypes a little.
For the first time in history, the Vatican has selected to change the date of this year’s Saint Patrick’s
Day from March 17​th​
to March 28​th​
, the day directly following the end of Lent in order to “get super
smashed guilt free like everybody else.”
The Vatican explained their decision making process during a press conference. “Lent is a time of
spiritual revival and growth,” Pope Francis commented. “All over the world Catholics are deeply
self­reflecting and trying to improve who they are. Unfortunately ‘Catholic guilt’ makes people feel
horrible about spending a night partying instead of sitting in a dark corner dwelling on their mountain
of sins. Now that Saint Patrick’s Day has been moved, Catholics can do both guilt­free. Plus the
Cardinals really wanted to go this one Saint Patrick’s Day party.”
Michele Douglas, a Catholic local told the paper, “during Lent, Catholics must undergo extensive
sacrifice; not eating meat on Fridays, except fish, which doesn’t count, frequently consider the
struggles of the underprivileged, and sometimes, even abstaining from sugary beverages or candy.
It’s six weeks of Hell but in the end, we are all such better people for it, like those people who go to
Africa to build schools but instead of doing it in person, we do it in prayer.”
While the aforementioned sacrifices seem nearly insufferable, it’s the actual partaking of indulgences
that reportedly hurt Catholics the most. As any Irishman will attest to, getting drunk and having a
good time on Saint Patrick’s Day, although technically sanctioned by the church as an acception to the
Lentin period, still causes extreme guilt and self­loathing to most Catholics. This same self­loathing
has been the cause of a large amount of Saint Patrick’s Day tragedies. On March 17, 1854, a Lentin
Friday, a young Spanish woman got intoxicated and accidently ate a small piece of cured Iberian Ham.
The following morning upon realizing what she had done, the woman tried to make herself throw up
but when she failed, she vowed to never eat meat again on a day she described as “truly saddening.”
“I love St. Patty’s day” stated Sean Michael Mac’O’Aherne, Vice­president of the church’s Group for
Inebriation with Nonexistent Guilt and Regret, or GINGR. “But what hurts even more than the
pounding headache, nausea, and lack of memory is the crushing, crippling Catholic guilt that comes
with knowing you had a pleasure filled night during Lent. For this reason, we have chosen to move
the holiday to March 28​th​
, directly following Easter.” Upon making the decision, GINGR members
explained: “this was not a decision we took lightly. Many people back home aren’t too happy with
changing from the 17​th​
. We in GINGR understand perfectly that seven is a lucky number but after
seeing the way people beat themselves up afterwards we had to do something. Change was
necessary.”
Most Catholics supported the decision but a few Orthodox individuals and groups have begun to
denounce it. Catherine Anne O’Collin was in Vatican City when the announcement was made and

2. claimed, “St. Patrick’s day guilt is a staple for Lent. It’s that guilt that really tortures the soul and puts
any good Catholic into the Lentin spirit!”
The City of New York, who houses a major St. Patrick’s Day celebration each year, has yet to comment
on whether or not they will change the official date of said celebration to match the new Catholic
date. When interviewed, a city resident commented, “Honestly I’m no catholic and I’m fine with the
change. I mean I’ll probably still drink the 17​th​
but now I’ll have a socially acceptable reason to get
drunk on the 28​th​
too.”