1. Shidduch Buch
“I believe it’s not a Shidduch crisis, but a Shadchanim crisis”
Interview with Reb Menasche Scharf, a HaGefen
representative in London, by Naftali Zvi Dembitzer, Inyan,
part of the weekly HaModia (English Edition) newspaper
(published in time for TU BeAv 5775 - 30/07/2015)
HaModia: I’ve known you for quite some time as an askan,
usually behind the scenes. Can you tell us a bit more about
what you do?
Menasche Scharf: I grew up in the Belz Chassidus, where
there’s a big emphasis on helping other Yidden, which may
take on any shape or form. Whether it’s opening a new Shul
or Gemach, arranging the internet asifa, or rallying more
votes for the local community elections, I try to help. Fifteen
years ago, I made my first Shidduch between two local
families. I knew the boy very well and I knew the girl very
well, and the Shidduch came about. I have since then been
in touch with many Shadchonim and tried to analyse what
makes a good Shadchan.
From my observations I found that there are three types of
Shadchanim:
1. There are those who have not invested any effort
in researching both parties to see whether they
match at all, they suggest a Shidduch only because
they happen to know the two families. Sometimes
they are lucky enough that it works out and at
worst they cause misfortune to at least six people,
i.e. both sets of parents, the young couple and their
kid(s)...
2. Then there is the naturally-born Shadchan, who
knows everything about everyone; so he knows
more about the boy and the girl and whether it’s a
potential match. But the downside is that this type
of Shadchan usually a) decides for you and b)
doesn’t always keep things confidential; the whole
town knows you’re going to make a Shidduch even
before you’ve decided!
3. The previous two are at opposing poles. In the
middle are the normal Shadchanim: they know a
few people. They try to help. They’re not always
successful, but they try; they put their heart into it:
this is one of the main ingredients of a good
Shadchan. They can be non-professionals, who
happen to know a boy and a girl and happen to
know that the two families are compatible, and
voila: a plate is broken… The downside with this
type of Shiduch is that because they are novices,
‘es past nisht’ for some baalebatim, who sidestep
and hire a professional to ‘finalise’ things just to
make it ‘looks balebatish’, and pay just a
percentage to the actual shadchanis sure not to
want to invest any efforts in arranging a Shidduch
ever again This contributes to having less
Shadchanim, and this reinforces the already
existing crisis…
HaModia: I note that you are an affiliate of the well-known
Shidduch organization HaGefen, based in Eretz Yisroel. Can
you describe the Shidduch crisis, and your objectives and
activities in resolving this crisis?
Menasche Scharf: I believe there is no Shidduch crisis, but a
Shadchanim crisis: there are plenty of boys and girls around,
but there aren’t enough matchmakers to pair them up as
quickly as we would have liked. The Shidduch age is going
down; I’m not saying it’s good or bad, but it definitely
creates pressure. The age varies in some communities; for
example, in certain Chassidic circles the Shidduch age used
was 20, then it became 19, and then 18, and now
Shidduchim are made where the chassan is not yet
eighteen! On the other hand there are certain Kehillos
where the Shidduch lists are getting more and more entries
whilst the existing entries don’t seem to move anywhere
soon, and this is why we need more Shadchanim to tackle
them.
HaModia: You say we need more Shadchanim. So how does
one become a Shadchan?
Menasche Scharf: There’s no university that teaches how to
be a Shadchan. Shadchanim are self-made. Many newly-
marrieds try their hand at Shidduchim: he has friends and
she has friends, and they try to match them up. Yet, after six
months, ninety percent will have stopped trying, for the
simple reason that no one coached them through the initial
stages of this highly rewarding career.
In order to minimise the crisis, we will have to work through
the follow steps:
1. TRAINING: step one in resolving the Shadchanim
crisis is to provide a framework for training new
Shadchanim and placements with a veteran
Shadchan upon completion of the course as an
apprentice secretary.
2. CUSTOMER SERVICE: This way, we would actually
achieve step two: besides creating more
Shadchanim, Shadchanim will finally have
secretaries! Some Shadchanim are so busy that in
the best case you have to call them ten times, and
after the tenth time they ‘might’ pick up the phone
and in the worst case you reach their voicemail but
cannot leave a message as it’s full.
3. LOCAL DATABASE: Step three involves setting up a
confidential list of local prospects. A lot can be
achieved with a bit of automation: people who
have not been contacted for a few weeks can
appear in a ‘Reminders’ pane on the screen, for the
secretary to give them a call and offer them some
more suggestion from the new names that keep
being added on to the database.
When someone would call up the Shadchan and
ask if there is any suggestion for their son or
daughter, the secretary will be able to look them
up on the database and see immediately what the
last suggestion was like, why it didn’t work out, and
when was the last time someone called the parents
with a new suggestion.
Also, by working together with an experienced
Shadchan, the novice Shadchan will be able to gain
a lot of knowledge as to the compatibility of
prospective matches. The fact that one finds a boy
and a girl doesn’t mean it’s a match! Experienced
Shadchanim know what questions to ask, they
usually know many, many people, as they’ve been
around longer and can reach a more balanced view

2. Shidduch Buch
on the viability of one prospective Shiduch over
another.
4. Step four in resolving the crisis, is for Shadchanim
to join efforts in the form of sharing information.
I don’t mean to say that Shadchanim have to give
away their business secrets, but they should
exchange names with other Shadchanim. A
Shadchan should approach other Shadchanim and
say, “I tried this. It didn’t work. However I’m
convinced that this Shiduch could work. Please give
it a try as it might work through your input.” That’s
why it’s so important for Shadchanim to hold
regular meetings, so that they can brainstorm
together. You’ll be surprised, it works wonders!
There is a group of shadchantes here in London,
and the ladies meet once a month. As for men
Shadchanim, currently there are only three
Shadchanim who work together here, and this is
not enough. Which brings me to my next idea:
5. GLOBAL DATABASE: Step five is to create a
centralised global Shidduch database, we would
call it Shidduch Buch (e.g. Shadchan’s notebook).
The few Shadchanim around simply can’t manage
so much volume on their own. If you organize data
in a coherent fashion, you can very easily make a
search for a match with a similar background,
similar wants etc. - across a multitude of countries.
Many Shadchanim have lists that are too long for
them to handle, so they concentrate their efforts
on the ‘easy’ ones, the local ones, or the ones that
look most promising… The result is that people are
left behind and relegated to the bottom of the list,
even though they might come from nice, normal
families.
In some Kehillos in Eretz Yisroel, the idea of
databases is already in use. However, it may limited
to applicants over the age of 24 who reside there.
By making an organization for older singles, you’re
labeling them that they are ‘old’. Then there are
some organizations who have their own global
databases, but if you want to be placed on their
lists, you have to wait twelve months because
there’s such a long waiting list. But this is totally
unnecessary; all I would say is, “We have an
organization for Shidduchim. Everyone is
welcome.”
What we need is for Shadchanim to place their lists
on a centralized database, and for the lists to be
dealt with by their secretaries and by regular
meetings with other veteran Shadchanim; and the
information on the database should be available
for all the Shadchanim all the time, not just by the
meetings. I am sure that many more Shidduchim
will happen this way iy”h.
6. Step six is, once there are secretaries and there is
a database, any lay person will be able to call in to
the Shidduch office and tell them of a girl or boy in
their family or circle who needs a Shidduch. In this
way, even people who can’t be a Shadchan
themselves can help the people they know.
Every person in Klal Yisrael can be a Shadchan. It
doesn’t mean that they have to start a Shidduch
and finish the Shidduch. But they have to think
about it and do ‘something’, like picking up the
phone and letting the Shidduch office know.
HaModia: With your proposal though, who would get paid
the Shadchanus fees? Who would get the credit?
Menasche Scharf: The database will have a Log-in system,
so that every phone call one makes is logged and clocked. In
this way, the more time one invests in a Shidduch, the more
time he clocks up on the system, and the Shadchanus fees
will be divided proportionately to the time each individual
put into it. So if the deputy Shadchan says, “I would like to
suggest a Shidduch,” and the main Shadchan says, “Looks
good; go and try it,” this deputy Shadchan will have it logged
on his account that he invested this time and this phone call,
and he will get paid for it. With an incentive like that, I hope
to see a lot of success. I can also share with you the good
news, that I’ve joined efforts with a number of local
Shadchonim, with whom I hope to set up a branch of
HaGefen, possibly under a global umbrella organisation.
On 15th June ‘15, a meeting was held in the home of Rabbi
Sholom Stern in London, where Rabbi Chaim Yitzchok
Deblinger - one of the coordinators of HaGefen in Jerusalem
- presided over a discussion to set up HaGefen in London. It
was agreed to open an office, pay Shadchonim an hourly
rate, and set the scene for a fundraising drive to help finance
the nascent global HaGefen initiative.
The organisation is currently under the leadership and
guidance of Rav Binyomin Eckstein, Dayan of the 49 St.
Kilda’s Road Belz shtiebel in London. In addition, Rav
Yitzchok B. Daskal of Rav Mordechai Gross’s beis din in Bnei
Berak has agreed to pasken any Choshen Mishpat issues the
London organisation will face.
At the moment, we are still fundraising for setting up a
central office and the Shidduch Buch database. We are also
speaking to local communal leaders, and making it clear that
the same way a Kehilla has to provide shochtim, mohalim,
Dayanim and yeshivos etc., it also has to ensure there are
enough Shadchanim. Speaking of fundraising, I ask of
Shadchanim that they give Ma’aser too; Ma’aser of their
time… When you have made nine Shidduchim, make a point
of investing in one Shidduch for those people who get left
behind - one ‘hard’ Shidduch. Instead of relegating someone
as a nebbach and move on, one should be noiseh be’ol im
chaveiro (the acronym of which spells ‫נעב‬"‫ח‬ …).
There are about half a dozen very dedicated Shadchonim in
the UK who do their best. Alas, their input cannot keep up
with the demand, hence the "Shadchonim Crisis". With the
help of local Rabbonim, Askonim and Shadchonim, it is now
possible to envisage a repeat performance of HaGefen
Jerusalem’s successes, so that London-based singles might
also look forward to divine-inspired help to their plight. It is
my hope that this article will awaken the public from the
apathy that somehow engulfs them and galvanize them into
helping form a system that will hopefully stem the tide and
bring about salvation to Klal Yisroel.
If you would like to donate towards this project, please contact:
+447974160252