Social circles by Matt Kendall

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We are going to cover
 Who I am and how I have built social circles in the past
 Internal and External validation
 Why social lives change and deteriorate
 Why London is different than other places for social circles
 The difference between passive, reactive and proactive
social lives

Even more stuff
 We are going to work out what situation and how to move
forward
 Mind traps and staying stuck
 Taking responsibility
 Becoming the hub
 Meeting new people
 Finally, Matt’s big super special ending which is fabulous

Why this is so important
Your social life is going to do one of
two things;
Get better (with intervention)
Or get worse (leaving it to chance)

Social isolation and health
 Research shows the link between social interaction
regulation of our hormonal and metabolic systems.
 Social interactions reduces stress hormones such as
cortisol and adrenaline.
 Social interaction lowers your chance of disease at
every stage of life
 Lower stress levels, safety in numbers

Social isolation and health
 Lack of social interaction increases the risks of high blood
pressure, a fat waist, diabetes and heart disease.
 Increase stress levels, lowers self esteems and overall
quality of life
 Less chance of reproducing
 Isolation is now viewed as equally dangerous as smoking
 By 2020, doctors predict that 50% of health issues will be
stress related

Excuses :: Excuses :: Excuses
 People get married off/having kids
 Too tired
 London is too big
 Not good at organising yourself
 Don't get invited to things
 Don't really like your friends you go out with (lonely in
a crowd)
 Want to try something new but no one will do it with
you.

Fatherly Advice
Be nice to everyone.
Be useful.
Join teams and groups with an aim or
purpose.
Give without needing to gain.

My advice
 "The world doesn't owe you anything”
 “No one is coming to rescue you”
 Also, no one cares about your life as much as
you do.

London
Arrived on 1st April 2009
All I had was 2 bags of clothes and a
laptop
The only person I knew was my sister
I slept on a small sofa for 3 months

My Position Now
 I have a very healthy social life
 I spend time with people who I want to spend time with
 I am very organised with what I do
 I have small focused groups of friends
 I run Interesting Talks, which has over 24k members
 I put myself in positions where I am meeting new people
all the time

My week (04th Dec)
 Tonight I am speaking to you guys
 Tuesday – Speaking for Funzing again
 Wednesday - I am running Interesting Talks (400th talk)
 Thursday – Cooking for my sister
 Friday – Dinner with a friend
 Saturday – Going to a friend’s party
 Sunday – Parents in London

Taking Responsibility
 Where you are in life right now might not be your
fault.
 However, your social life and happiness is your
responsibility!

How to Be Liked
 The more you do, the more you enjoy your life, the
more you interact with people, the more people will
want to be around you
 Be fun, positive and interesting
 Be the one who puts the effort in

External Validation
 Those who seek external validation from others will rarely
be happy.
 They are likely to be submissive
 Put off their own happiness for others
 Tend to with have a reactive lifestyle
 Ultimately not make the other person/people happy either.

Internal Validation
 More organised and motivated
 Will take more challenges
 Do things they want to do
 Put their own happiness first
 Be more outgoing
 Be better company
 Overall happier

Life Priorities in Manchester
Family
Social
Work

Life Priorities in London
Family
Social
Work

London Living
 Living in London is hard.
 People work all week, not go out much after work and
if so only for drinks.
 Then a big session on Friday, feel crap all Saturday
 Drinking again on Saturday night
 Housework and hangover on Sunday

London Living
 In London people have a very insular life.
 When you house share in Manchester, that is a large
part of your social life.
 In London, you might have 4 people in a house but
everyone has their own lives.

London Living
 To escape loneliness people turn to other things.
 In London these tend to be drinking, drugs, box sets
and social media.
 We spend more time on social media, then we do with
people.
 We also go back and try and reconnect with old friends
rather than going out to make new ones.

So what does this mean?
 Ultimately your social life has a direct impact on your
self esteem, health and quality of life.
 As a therapist I have worked with hundreds of people
with low self esteem and confidence issues.
 So many people are on medication or mask the issues
by self medicating.

 When I work with clients they are always trying to go back
to how things were.
 This happens a lot when you come out of a relationship.
 You want to revert back to old ways. However your friends
have moved on and settled down.
 By not having current or new friends, our social life in our
present, really suffers.

 As soon as you hit your 30's, it can almost seem that
our social lives, outside of work, revolves around
birthday's, weddings and christenings.

Truth Bomb 1
 Trying to get people to do things they don’t want to do!

Truth Bomb 2
 The single vs relationship dilema

Truth Bomb 3
 Investment traps! We keep investing time into people
and groups, although we don’t get what we want in
return.

So What Can we Do?
 Doing things in large groups is HARD in
London.
 Instead focus on doing things in small
groups of people who want to be there!
 Make sure you schedule things in your diary

Shame and Alex – naughtiness

My Social Circle
Every
2
weeks
Twice
Weekly
1-2 per
month
Monthly
Monthly
3-4 times per year
6-10 times
per year

Why Do People Bond?
Time Shared
Experiences

Life Style Types
 Passive – Doesn’t really go out. Makes excuses for not
attending things. Will often flake if they arrange to do
anything.
 Reactive – Their social life is dependant on other
people organising things. If they don’t get invited out,
they stay in!
 Proactive – Plans and does the things they want to do.
Invites others along onto their adventures.

DO NOT MAKE THIS MISTAKE!
 Do not enter a social circle to just meet a new partner.
 You will be rejected!

Let’s get started
 Before we can start to plan a social life, we need to
know where we are.

Exercise 1: Last 3 Social Activities
What you did Who Organised it 0/10 fun
Theatre trip Sarah 6/10
Camden Market Me 8/10
Comedy Night Mark 3/10

Exercise 2: Things you love
What is it? How much time per
month
Yoga 4 hours
Swimming 0 hours
Arts and Crafts 2 hours

Exercise 3: Average Week
Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat Sun
Work Work Work Work Work Sleep Sleep
Work Work Work Work Work Sleep Sleep
Work Work Work Work Work Shopping Netflix
Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Drinking Dinner Netflix
TV TV TV TV Drinking Cinema Sleep

Exercise 4: Values
Fun
Adventure
Support
SOH
Loyalty
Encouragement

Exercise 4: Values (0/10 at present)
Fun
Adventure
Support
SOH
Loyalty
Encouragement

Make Your London List
London is one of the best cities in
the world.
What is it you want to do here?
Here are just some examples….

Things you want to do in London

Things you want to do in London
 List 5 places you want to visit
 Mine are;
 1) Richmond Park
 2) London Eye
 3) Sky Garden
 4) Cahoots (restaurant/bar)
 5) Lion King

Creative - Learning new skills
 Learning new skills allows you to meet like minded people
 You meet once a week (or whenever)
 Usually a social side
 Day and weekend courses on Groupon!
 Even consider doing a degree at uni
 What do you want to learn?

Physical - Joining Clubs and Teams
 People bond over time and shared experiences.
 When there is a common goal, people bond even more
 What teams or clubs can you get into?
 Keep it local, check out shop windows, Gumtree and
Facebook groups
 What value can you bring?

Giving Back – Charity work
 What issues do you care about?
 How you use your time and skills to give back to a
wider community
 Is it something you can do on a weekly or monthly
basis?

Meeting New People
Giving
Back
CreativePhysical

Exercise
 Come up with a list of activities, groups, experiences
you want to do that fall into the three categories
 Think about increasing your low scores on your value
wheel and what activities will increase them

Come up with examples for each
Giving
Back
CreativePhysical
Courses
Hobbies
Learning skills
Charity work
Volunteering
Community projects
Sports teams
Challenges i.e. 5k
Exploring

Being a Hub
 1. A clear goal
 2. A strong leader who is able to make decisions and
get things done
 3. A solid platform
 4. Consistency
 5. Solid formats and variety.

What do you want to create?
 1. What is the aim of meeting?
 2. What platform will you use? Facebook group,
Whatsapp, email, text, Meetup etc
 3. When and where will this happen?
 4. What format can you use?

Matt’s Big Finish
 What is one thing you want to do in London?
 A skill you want to learn?
 A group/team you want to join?
 Your own project you want to set up?
 You have 30 seconds to write ONE thing down for each!
 What is your name
 What is your one thing for each?

Now Network With People
 You have the rest of the night to meet with other
people and plan stuff
 Get on with it!
 Thank you and good night
 Please rate and review

Social circles by Matt Kendall

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