The_Art_Of_Partnering_ vs5

How can you best prepare yourself for the
transition from spouse to ex-spouse to co-parent?
Life can seem like a cruel joke, can’t it? You ﬁnally get up the nerve
to divorce. You muster up the courage and the energy it takes to
turn life as you knew it upside down, and then instantly you
understand; it hits you like a ton of bricks. You will never truly be
ride of your ex (or soon to be ex).
The relationship will never ever end. You and he are stuck like glue
when it comes to raising your children. How can you best prepare
yourself for the transition from spouse to ex-spouse to co-parent?
How on earth can you manage to hold all of those painful memories
and bad feelings toward your ex in check and work together
successfully to raise healthy and happy children?
Co-parenting isn’t easy, but the good news is that it is possible. Here
are 5 steps you can follow to help you create a successful co-
parenting relationship with your children’s other parent.
The Art of
Parenting While
Un-Partnering
5 Steps to a SuccessfulCo-Parenting Relationship
1. Change Your Mindset
2. Control Yourself
3. Take Notes, Don’t Yell
4. Don’t Take It Personally
5. Think Before You Speak
Divorce and Renewal
DivorceAndRenewal.com
Divorce and Renewal
Spa Bootcamp Weekend
April 21-22, 2012
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Quick Tips
Want to know how you
can get started right now?
The relationship between you
and your ex is no longer
personal.
You now are in a business
relationship of raising children.
Think about treating your ex-
spouse as if he or she is a client
or a business partner.
2. Control Yourself
The days of fighting, bickering,
and retaliating are over.
Take time before reacting.
Do not let yourself yell, whine,
or engage in plot retaliation.
Work together with your ex to
set aside your differences.
Work with professionals who
can assist you in raising
successful and happy children.
Norwich Inn & Spa - Norwich, CT
April 21 - 22, 2012
Divorce and Renewal
The relationship between you and your ex is no longer personal; you
are now in a business relationship. You are both in the business of
raising your children. Think about and treat your ex-spouse as if he is
a client or a business partner. You must now transition to working
together as partners in the business of helping your children to grow
up successfully to be healthy and confident adults. The relationship
between the two of you is limited to a single, common goal---to ensure
a healthy environment that promotes your children’s well-being.
2. Control Yourself
The days of fighting, bickering, and retaliating are over. In the
workplace, if a partner or colleague always showed up late to
meetings, always arrived poorly prepared or uninformed, or
otherwise acted unproductively, what would you do? Chances are
good that you wouldn’t just go out of control and start bickering,
screaming, or engage in retaliatory behaviors. You probably wouldn’t
just go “tell” on your misbehaving colleague to the boss either.
Hopefully, in a work environment, you would take some time before
just reacting. You would think about why your colleague was
behaving this way, formulate goals for new behavior, consider your
options in how you might assist to bring these about, and then find a
constructive way to put this plan into motion.
Same thing goes for co-parenting. Do not let yourself go out of control
and just yell, whine, or plot retaliation. Do not just go flying off to
your attorney’s office to set up a court date without having first tried
something new. Do not even consider calling the police when he is 10
minutes late bringing the children home.
Learn More

Work together with your ex to set aside your differences and figure
out how to get the job of raising successful and happy children done.
You’ll need help so do know that there are professionals out there
who can assist you in accomplishing this. There are skilled divorce
coaches, family therapists, resolution oriented family law attorneys,
mediators, and parenting coordinators available to help you.
3. Take Notes, Don’t Yell
Take notes rather than yelling , arguing, or otherwise continuing to
fight; commit yourself to taking excellent, detailed notes about
whatever difficulties you are encountering. Is pick up time starting to
slide into the “ten or fifteen minutes late” department on a regular
basis? Is school work not getting completed on sleepover days? Are
the rules in your children’s other home shifting into an area you
genuinely feel is problematic?
If the structure, routines, or discipline techniques that were written into
your parenting plan are not being followed regularly, your detailed
notes will come in handy and serve as concrete support for any
conversations you choose to have about these issues. When we can
site real examples, our grievances are generally taken more seriously
and are harder to shrug off or ignore.
4. Don’t Take It Personally
Under No Circumstances Should You Take Any of This Personally. You
can choose to continue to view your ex’s behavior through a personal
lens; ie, “He’s returning the kids late just to bug me” or you can make
the choice to instead, focus on your children’s health and well being.
Personalizing your ex’s behavior will only serve to sustain or continue
the old fight and keep the old familiar struggles going. We
professionals in the family ‘business’ call this, “maintaining the status
quo”, which is so common among families in transition. Making
changes and doing things differently means that life may begin to
move into less familiar territory and making changes can be a bit
worrisome although it is essential. Keep taking things personally and
we can practically guarantee that the two of you will continue the
arguing and fighting and that your kids will continue suffering
because of your bad behavior, just like before your divorce. This
pattern can truly change only if you are willing to choose to:
1) Change how you see and think about things and
2) Do things differently from now on
Quick Tips
Want to know how you
can get started right now?
3. Take Notes - Don’t Yell
Commit yourself to taking
detailed notes instead of
yelling, arguing, or fighting.
If your parenting plan is not
being followed, your detailed
notes will serve as concrete
support for conversations you
have about issues.
4. Don’t Take it Personally
If you take his bad behavior
personally, you and your ex
will continue to fight and your
kids will suffer.
Change how you see and think
about things.
Do things differently here on.
Don’t let your ex’s behavior
cause you to lose control.
Chalk his bad behavior up to
another good reason why you
are no longer married to him.
Take responsibility for your
own behavior.
April 21 - 22, 2012
Divorce and Renewal
Learn More

Rather than experience your ex’s behavior as a way to provoke,
punish, or otherwise upset you, why not view it simply as an example
of his bad behavior, poor judgement, lack of self control or
immaturity? Thus think about yourself instead of about your ex- it isn’t
your fault and it isn’t under your control! Why take it personally and
let it get under your skin when you can just chalk it up to another
good reason why you and this person are no longer married?
Consider being pro-active, ie - if you know your ex-spouse, for
whatever reason, is likely to return or pick up the children late, why
not plan accordingly (allow extra time in your schedule for late pick
ups) and expect this rather than be “surprised” every time? You
cannot change your ex’s behavior, but you certainly can change
your behavior and your responses to him.
When you expect lateness, forgotten homework or sports equipment,
or other petty annoyances and plan for these, you are taking charge
of yourself and your time rather than leaving yourself completely
vulnerable to the whims of your ex.
Similarly, if you already know that your ex will likely say “no” to any
special personal requests that you might make, why not try harder
not to ask for anything out of the ordinary? Of course, at times
asking for something unusual cannot be avoided, but we are
frequently amazed at how some couples knowingly engage in these
negative patterns over and over again and then are surprised to ﬁnd
themselves constantly ﬁghting or winding up in court for a destructive
and expensive battle.
A Sampling of our Workshops:
“Financial Tips and Traps for the
Unmarried Woman”
“How to Talk with Your Children
About Divorce”
“Communication Tools & Tips:
Get What You Want With Words!”
“The Art of Finding Someone
New”
“Common Obstacles to Close
Relationships”
“Increasing Your Parenting IQ”
“Stress and String Beans:
Managing Your Busy Life”
April 21 - 22, 2012
Divorce and Renewal
The Top- 3 Tips
Want to know how you canget started right now?
2. Don’t Take it Personally
3. Don’t Go It Alone
Learn More

When It Comes To Your Ex, Always, Always Think Before You Speak
The bottom line is that you will have to interact with this
_______________ (you fill in the blank: “hothead”, “meanie”,
“knucklehead”…) regularly.
By now you have undoubtedly learned what your ex’s “triggers” are
(particular words, phrases, or behaviors from you) that will set off a
chain reaction of insults, accusations, expletives and can then lead to
destructive behavior. It only makes sense to be careful about what
you say to your ex, ALWAYS!
If you know your ex blows his top based on comments you make that
make him feel criticized or incompetent, for example: “Can’t you get
here on time just once?”, “Why can’t you ever help our son or
daughter with their homework when the kids are with you?”, “You
always put me down in front of…” why not stop saying these? You
can learn and practice better ways to communicate. You can also
learn and practice better ways to work on your co-parenting
relationship. Working with a reputable divorce coach, mediator,
parenting coordinator, or family therapist can help you learn to avoid
old pitfalls and patterns that haven’t worked.
Parenting well while unpartnering or after you are already
unpartnered isn’t ever easy, but it is worth it. Your children will fare
better if they can grow up with two loving parents. You can choose
and control at least some of the future for your children and
yourself--- and that’s what makes all of the effort worthwhile!
Jump Start Your New Life
Join us for a weekend filled with
learning and laughing, with
community and conversation, with
food, facials, and fun.
April 21 - 22, 2012
Divorce and Renewal
Reflect, Relearn and Renew
Our faculty of divorce professionals
will help you restructure your
thinking, manage your finances, and
build a healthier family life.
The Spa
You will also have time to luxuriate in
the spa facilities, enjoy tea and
scones, and exercise your body and
your mind.
Quick Tips
Want to know how you can get
started right now?
Be careful about what you say.
Avoid old destructive patterns.
Learn More

Divorce and Renewal
April 21-22, 2012
About the Authors
Betsy Ross, LICSW CGP
Betsy Ross’s training in three different specialties – as a licensed psychotherapist,
divorce and transition coach and as a mediator, have provided her with a large
repertoire of tools to choose from when helping clients transition out of marriage
toward a more successful future. For the past 20 years, Betsy has helped
individuals, couples and families to fight less, talk more, and improve their ability to
solve problems via improving their communication and relationship skills.
Ms. Ross has provided seminars and workshop series at the Harvard Medical
Center, the Massachusetts Institute for Technology, and Boston College’s Graduate
School of Social Work on topics relevant to couples, individuals, and families. Betsy
is also a blogger on marriage, divorce, and family related issues at The Patch.
Betsy’s work also includes providing training to master’s level social workers in
divorce coaching and collaborative divorce as she particularly enjoys teaching
other therapists and counselors how to transfer their clinical talents into effective
coaching skills.
Paula H. Noe, Esquire
PAULA H. NOE, Esquire, practices Massachusetts family law without resorting to
litigation, whenever possible, and helps families through crises with dignity and
respect. She believes in guiding families to settlement and resolution without
resorting to court battles, believing that most families benefit from avoiding the
stress and conflict of the court system.
She was named a ‘WOMAN OF DISTINCTION IN LAW AND PUBLIC SERVICE’
by the Massachusetts Association of Women Lawyers in 2005 for her achievements
as a Massachusetts family law attorney and her contributions to the world of
alternative dispute resolution.
Paula served as the President of the Massachusetts Collaborative Law Council from
2005 to 2006; she is a founding member and served as a board member and as a
member of the President’s Advisory Council.
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