Deliberate practice web

Deliberate Practice
What you practice becomes permanent,
even if you are practicing a skill incorrectly
Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW • Winter Park, FL • dawn@relationshipjourney.com ©2013

Basic Steps
of
Deliberate
Practice
1. Big goal
2. Short
goal
3. Chunk
down
4. Do it
5. Evaluate
6.Strategize

1. Hold in mind your bigger
goal
• I want to stay close to my
spouse/partner even when we
disagree
• I want to be a safe person for my
partner to talk to
• I want to more easily repair our
connection when we have conflict
• I want to become better at
expressing and showing my love
EXAMPLES:

2. Create a goal for your
practice session
• I want to practice moving my ‘movie’
(internal mental chatter) aside when I
am listening.
• I want to practice focusing on one topic
when I do dialogue instead of 5
frustrations.
• I want to practice ‘expressing
understanding’ better in the dialogue.
• I want to practice verbally expressing
my love.
EXAMPLES:

3. Chunk it down to a
specific practice step
• Before I mirror, I will check to see if
I’m defending, judging or
disagreeing in my own head. If I
am, I will tell myself only one story
can be heard/seen at a time, then
imagine setting my story aside (like
a book on a shelf, etc.). I will then
look into my partner’s eyes with
love and curiosity and mirror.
EXAMPLE A:

• Instead of just saying
“I love you”, I will tell
my partner one of the
reasons I love
him/her 3 times a
week. I will vary it by
focusing one time on
a quality, another
time on a behavior,
and another time on
a physical or sexual
aspect.
EXAMPLE B:

4. Implement the step(s)

5. After the practice,
evaluate how well you did . .
.
What I think I did well:

5b. After the practice,
evaluate where you can
improve . . .
Where I think I need to do better:

6. Strategize / plan for next
time
Plan of focus for next
practice to become better
at the skill

Example A:
What I did well:
I slowed down my mirroring which made it feel less reactive &
softer.
What I need to improve:
My ‘movie’ was still playing and made it hard for me to listen &
understand.
Plan/Strategy for next practice:
1. I am going to visualize my ‘safe place’ or ‘place of beauty’
before we start so I can calm myself inside.
2. When I notice my movie playing, I’m going to imagine using a
remote to change channels to my partner’s life story.
1. 2.

Example B:
What I did well:
I stayed on one topic for the entire
dialogue.
What I need to improve:
I blamed & shamed by telling him he is
NEVER ‘there for me’ which
communicates that he is a total failure.
Plan/Strategy for next practice:
1. Make sure I am clear that when a
behavior like that happens, the
MEANING I give it is that he is ‘not
there’ for me in that situation, even
though that may not be his intent.

Audio or video record your
practice session to evaluate
your OWN performance
What helps some couples
deliberately practice
dialogue:
BUT . . . .

Agreement 1:
Keep it confidential
If you use video or audio
feedback for yourself,
make sure you make and
keep 3 agreements to keep
it safe

Agreement 2:
Agree to delete it
together within a certain
time
(Example: 3 days to give you time to
review)
Keep it safe -- delete
together

Agreement 3:
Use it only to
evaluate your OWN
performance
Keep it safe . . .
Put yourSELF under the
microscope
NEVER, EVER use it to criticize
your partner!

• Fears/concerns
You can also use it to try to
better understand your
partner’s:
• Hurts
IF you understand your
spouse or partner better after
reviewing it, tell him/her your
new understanding and ask,
“Did I get you?”
• Needs/desires/longing

The KEY is to be Intentional
about Practice:
• Set a goal for the practice
• Evaluate how well YOU did and
where YOU might need to improve
• Create a new specific goal for what
you want to improve for your next
practice
• Repeat the process!

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