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Part three coaching_j_flaherty_09102105


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“This is heavy reading, but well worth it. Remember your college philosophy classes and associated textbooks? Well, Flaherty takes the beauty and probing questions of philosophy and creates practical use of them by applying them to the art of coaching. Flaherty relies heavily on a few of his favorite modern philosophers, and takes their discoveries and theories and converts them into assessment models, enrollment techniques, etc. What you end up with is a very lucid, free flowing book that allows the coach to see the client as a human being with varying motivations, competencies, agendas, etc., and frees us from the trap of attempting to coach our clients into becoming ourselves (someone with our values, motivations, etc.); instead allowing them to grow into their own self-correcting, self-generating person.” Amazon Customer "Child of the World.” She says it in a nutshell. Those philosophers include Fernando Flores, Humberto Maturana, and William Barrett, whom you might not have heard of; and several you probably have. But Flaherty simplifies into practicality and usability. If you coach, or want to be one, his work is stunningly necessary.

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Part three coaching_j_flaherty_09102105

  1. 1. James Flaherty (Oxford, UK: Butterworth-Heinemann (third edition) 2010)
  2. 2. 1.What conversations, actions, or relationships did you initiate? 2.What other actions or conversations did you want to initiate but didn’t? Justifications? 3.What will you initiate next? How can you ensure that it will be effective? 4.What are you learning about yourself and initiating? 1.What decisions did you make today? How did you make them? 2.Was there conflict? How did you deal with it? 3.How do you feel about the decisions you made today? What are you learning about decision making? 4.What decisions did you avoid making today? Why? What decisions will you make tomorrow? 1.What requests did you make today? How successful were you? Why? 2.How do you feel about your requests? What are you learning about yourself? 3.When and how will you take what you’re learning into action? 4.What requests did you avoid making? What requests will you make tomorrow? Write them down? 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 2
  3. 3. 1.In what ways did you push back in relationships, conversations, meetings? 2.What happened? How did you feel? Conflict? How did you respond? 3.Did you fell like pushing back and not do it? How are you justifying that? 4.What are the consequences (emotions, mood, energy) of not pushing back ? What are you learning? 1.My greatest professional and personal strengths? 2.Who is in my network of support, and what specific support does each person provide? 3.Resources for expenses, working hours, family time, meals, self-care, emotional energy? 4.Does your cost/resource balance need adjustment? 1.What do you want to be doing? Whom do you want in your life? In what capacity? 2.What resources do you want to have? What experiences do you want to be having? 3.In what ways do you want to be growing/learning? 4.In what other ways could you describe your life – the way it is and the way you would like it to be. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 3
  4. 4. 1.What did I actually accomplish at work today? 2.What results or other actions will this accomplishment move forward? 3.How did I decide to get this done today? 4.What action will I take from what I observed in this exercise? 1.Whom did I challenge today? 2.Why? 3.What were all the outcomes of this challenge? Any conflict? 4.What actions will I take from what I observed and learned from these actions and this exercise? 1.What did I insist upon today? 2.How did I justify the insistence? 3.What were the effects of the insistence? On me? On my work relationships? 4.What actions will I take from what I observed and learned from this exercise? 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 4
  5. 5.  If you have done a thorough job of addressing Question #2 – then you will have an easier job of designing Practices.  Practices are meant to give the client a chance to make the new distinctions over and over again, and then to follow up with an which flows from that new observation. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 5
  6. 6. Your peers Your boss Your boss’s boss Your subordinates Your top 3 internal and external customers Your CEO (and Chairperson) The person holding the job you want next 1.What are the top three business concerns of this person? 2.What is the career path of this person (past and future)? 3.What does this person value in a business associate? 4.What is this person’s agenda for the next six months, year? 5.What is this person’s style – of working, of leadership, of communicating? 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 6
  7. 7. Your peers Your boss Your boss’s boss Your subordinates Your top 3 internal and external customers Your CEO (and Chairperson) The person holding the job you want next 1.What concerns or breakdowns can I alleviate for this person? 2.What information, support or guidance can I offer to this person? 3.In what other ways can I support this person? 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 7
  8. 8. Your counterparts in other parts of the company. Experts in the political environment of the company. The people you admire at work. The people making decisions about your career. 1.What concerns or breakdowns can I alleviate for this person? 2.What information, support or guidance can I offer to this person? 3.In what other ways can I support this person? 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 8
  9. 9. Your network of core people. Your network of additional people. 1.What concerns/breakdowns do I currently have or anticipate having that someone can support me in? 2.What input, information, or guidance would make my current work easier? My future clearer? 3.Whose actions don’t I understand? Who could shed light on them for me? 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 9
  10. 10.  What are the top five specific threats to your company during the next year/five years? What should your company do about them?  What specific economic or political situations will impact your company in the future? For the company as a whole, and for the segmented businesses and geographic distributions? What should your company do about them?  What people (within and outside) will have the most influence on the company? What will the influence be? 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 10
  11. 11.  The breakdowns will be in both beliefs and emotions, as well as in the existing constraints of time and energy, priorities, resources, and so on.  It will take observation of your client over time to determine what these potential breakdowns might be.  Discouragement, impatience, misjudgments, uncertainties, may be some of them. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 11
  12. 12.  Breakdowns aren’t bad. Research shows that it is within breakdowns that leaders learn the most.  If a breakdown is too disruptive to your client, she may stop the coaching program.  Weigh the benefits of what will be revealed against the emotional and situational impact of the breakdown. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 12
  13. 13.  Prepare for the unexpected as well as the expected..  Others besides you can provide support. It makes sense to have other people available to provide information and emotional support.  Do not leave yourself unnecessarily constricted in your freedom of action and do leave your client relatively independent and and 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 13
  14. 14.  What will be its duration?  How often will you and your client meet? Meeting duration time?  How much time will this program demand of your client?  What other resources will be needed?  How often will you communicate? In what form?  How available will you make yourself to your client?  Address these points in your design and be open to changing them according to what happens as the program progresses. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 14
  15. 15.  A pipe full of steam that has loose joints that allow the steam to escape.  Like reading a book and picking up where you left off, rather than starting anew every time.  A diamond covered with dust. Clean it off so the true brilliance can shine. (Not Hiding your light under a bushel basket!)  Oil buried deep in the ground which would only become valuable when it was brought to the surface. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 15
  16. 16.  The more support you can give the client the better. What have you used to remind yourself, keep yourself organized or focused.  Take as much care in the presentation of your program as you did in designing it. In a sense it is a microcosm of the process, and it should ease your client’s acceptance and inclusion in the design. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 16
  17. 17. 2. What new competence or quality must your client have to address the situation described in #1 above (Cell 31, Part Two) 3. What is your potential client’s current competence in doing this? Write down at least three examples of behavior that verify your assessment. 4. Determine the of your potential client: 1.What opening did you observe for coaching?  Breakdown? (specify)  Enhancing a competence?  New possibility for client?  Threat to social identity? (specify) 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 17
  18. 18. Sample Self-Observation Exercise Beginning Date: (Today) Invent, by declaration, an internal separation in yourself. Divide yourself into two persons, one who acts/reacts in life and one who observes and is passive in life. 1. Begin to observe how you react in life. Observe what happens and what you do, say, feel, think, your reactions, etc. Observe quietly, passively. Keep noticing your judgments about yourself, about others, about life. Observe your internal states as well as what you show the world. Take notes. 2. At the end of each day, review your day and note what happened and how you reacted. 3. Do this exercise for ten days. 1. What is to be observed? 2. What is the duration of the exercise? 3. What is the frequency of observation? 4. What are the exact instructions for the exercise? 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 18
  19. 19. 1.List all the activities you actually do at work. a. Divide them into categories of relative importance. b. Within each category number the activities (prioritize). c. How much time do you spend on each. 2.Then ask yourself: a. Can I allocate my time more effectively? How? b. What activities can I give to someone else? c. What is my job at my company, really? 3.List all the activities you should be doing but never get around to. Be exhaustive. Categorize as in 1. above. Then ask yourself what would be the benefit of doing these activities? 4.What did you learn by doing this? 1.What repeated behavior can your client do that will improve his competence? 2.How will your client know if the actions are successful? What are the standards? 3.What will be the duration and structure of the practice? 4.What are the exact instructions? 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 19
  20. 20. When the focus of the coaching is the client being stuck in his or her job or life OR what to do when our coaching (which to us seems, of course, brilliant) is somehow leaving the client stuck.
  21. 21.  Clients can feel that they are bored, not learning anything, and don’t see a future for themselves.  Or, they are attempting to accomplish something and can’t seem to get it to happen.  Or they are seeing the same cycles of behavior return again and again, at their work, or in their relationships, or in how they take care of themselves.  It could even be existential dread or angst, the feeling of no grounding or support or meaning in their lives. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 21
  22. 22.  People in this state tend to judge themselves negatively, disparage others, and cynically turn away from whatever support is offered.  They are certain that their experience is unique and very complex and that what they are going through has never happened to the same extent to anyone else.  They feel that they have to get out.  But they feel there is no way out because if there was, they would have figured it out by now.  The root, though, is feeling “un-held by the world.” 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 22
  23. 23.  Invite the client to investigate the experience of being un-held is like – lonely, misunderstood, out of place, unnoticed, unloved, abandoned.  The key to unlocking this is to acknowledge the truth in the point of view, and to help the client discover that what they are seeing is not the whole story, even though it seems like it is at the time.  We are alone, as the existentialists say. No one can feel what we are feeling, or go through what we have to go through, or live with the consequences of the choices we make.  This is unarguably the case, but it is also true that we are conjoined with others, inseparably and forever. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 23
  24. 24. 1. Do not skip over the existential realities. 2. Design Practices that support the client to build exquisite self-care for himself. Being stuck is often started by neglecting sleep, food, companionship, self-expression, exercise, and openness to beauty. 3. Design Exercises that help the client scale her expectations. We have images of “perfection,” and people are not perfect, ever. 4. Once our client has taken care of his genuine needs, and has set realistic expectations, life begins to flow effortlessly and she begins to harmonize with the people around her. 5. Stuckness is gone – by dissolving its roots. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 24
  25. 25.  Even if you are fabulously successful at your coaching work, sooner or later you will find yourself in a stuck place with a client.  At that point you will be glad you have done your own work and have kept educating yourself.  It is often easy to blame the client as “un-coachable,” or “uncommitted,” or “not in enough pain yet.”  Sometimes it may be necessary to end the coaching, but there is a lot to try out first that my lead to a developmental breakthrough (for you as well as the client). 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 25
  26. 26. 1. Reexamine (and consider redoing) your intake interview. What assumptions did you make, and why? What client actions were not accounted for? 2. Your “shadow” is a series of unwanted qualities that you tend to sublimate in yourself, but recognize (projection) as moral negatives in someone else. If you have strong negative emotions about client actions, you should make sure (3rd party) that this is not the cause. 3. Is the client capable of going through with the program? Does she have enough physical energy, emotional reserves and relational support? If not, address these issues before continuing coaching. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 26
  27. 27. 4. Change the venue. Take walks. Sit at the beach. Stroll through nature. Shifting the environment and moving the body frees people. 5. Do the coaching work in the session itself. Instead of asking your client to go to the gym, have your next session at the gym. 6. Form a partnership with the client and go through a forensic review of all the work you have done together. Methodically go through each conversation, each assignment – looking for what was unsaid, unheard, misunderstood, or not addressed. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 27
  28. 28. 7. Has your coaching somehow brought to the surface abuse in the client’s background? If you get any inkling of this, refer your client to a competent therapist. If unsure, find a delicate way to approach it. 8. Study the client’s emotions connected with your coaching. Emotions are directly tied to action, and many clients tend to bypass or suppress their emotions, which makes it difficult to do new activities. 9. Your client may have conflicting commitments. For example, she may want the promotion but simultaneously be committed to working less hours. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 28
  29. 29. Shift the content of your coaching radically. If the content has been primarily cognitive, move it fully into the body realm. Or if it has been about emotions, make it about learning new ideas for a while. Open your creativity and expand your palette of practices. Invite your client to do art, visit museums, travel, listen to different music, anything that will require him to stand in a new identity at least while doing the practice. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 29 10.
  30. 30. . Strangers to Ourselves (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 2002). and . How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work (San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2001). . Relax and Renew (Berkeley, CA: Rodmell Press, 1995). . The Pathway (New York, NY: HarperCollins, 2003). . Yoga as Medicine (New York, NY: Bantam, 2007). . Senses Wide Open (Berkeley, CA: Ulysses, 2000). . The Mindful Brain (New York, NY: W.W. Norton, 2007). 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 30
  31. 31. Being in means that clients have reserves of attention, physical and emotional energy, and social support. No amount of circumstance or “will power” will overcome a lack of readiness.
  32. 32.  The building of the necessary reserves to allow coaching to be successful is extremely challenging in the 21st century.  Most of us feel pressed in our personal, business, relational, and financial domains; and we usually maximize our activities so that at the end of the week, there is nothing left.  Then something goes wrong, or we have a new opportunity, and we consider working with a coach.  Somehow we imagine that the coach knows something that will make this unworkable situation turn out just fine. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 32
  33. 33.  Clients cannot sustain an effort beyond their current capacity without doing damage to their health, mental state, mood or relationships.  Remember that the results of coaching are , and  Rather than pretending, ask up-front what activities does it make sense for the client to end? What relationships must be altered?  What aspects of the client’s self-care should be addressed? Nothing long term can take root unless all these conditions are harmonized.  Bruce Lee wasn’t built in a day. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 33
  34. 34.  We coaches have to base our work on solid principles, and not on salesmanship.  If we put our client into a pressurized situation in which she does perform, and achieve results – are we neglecting the long-term?  Are we forgetting that the client didn’t become self-correcting and never discovered her own source of inner power or outer support?  And consequently, that we have not helped to allow a self-generating success? A success that is sustainable?  Do not forget that we are biological beings – not electronic ones. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 34
  35. 35. How many hours of sleep? How many hours of exercise? What for breakfast? How much time? Time for lunch? Dinner? Average workweek? Workday? How many days off per week? How does the client refresh and renew? (Not decompress, unwind). Vacations? How often/long? Smoke? Alcohol? How much? Caffeine? How much? How much external stimulation a day (email, text, meetings, etc.) Hours commuting? Last comprehensive physical exam? Nights away from home? 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 35
  36. 36. How deep and close is your network of support? Whose well-being are you responsible for? How much time in non-work related conversations? Who can you be open, vulnerable, and undefended with? Who are people toxic to you? What can you do to reduce contact with these people? How often are you in nature? (non-golf). When do you encounter beauty? (either natural or artistic) How much chaos and disorder in your personal and work life? How do you stay educated beyond business reading? Dedications other than family? Activities to cultivate creativity? Organizations for support and renewal? (church, philanthropy, sports) 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 36
  37. 37. Simplify life as much as possible. Regular routines of sleep, eating, and exercise. (for resilience to change). Develop a strong network of support. (reach out and set up). Renew the mind, heart, and spirit. (Mozart and Bach). Reduce chemical and electronic stimulation. (greater calm). Mental hygiene. Block recurring anxious thoughts, second- guessing, worst-case scenario thinking. (redirect thoughts). What will you give up or cut back on to make time and space for coaching to occur? Display physical props of a deeper world outside the current activity. (nature, family pictures, beauty) 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 37
  38. 38. Assess your coaching skills and qualities and design a program to improve them. It is vital to your effectiveness to continue to develop yourself while simultaneously coaching your clients.
  39. 39. …have I learned? About relationships? …makes my coaching most potent? …makes me most uncomfortable? …is mysterious about people? …ideas of mine are being challenged? …mood of mine seems to work best? …don’t I understand about my client? …does this show me about myself? …did I learn about coaching? …did I learn about my competence? …are my strengths? …can I improve on? …surprised me? …does that show me about myself? 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 39
  40. 40. – Means to point out to your client new distinctions that will allow him to make new (inspirational) observations. – The two main intents are to understand the uniqueness of the client and situation, and to discern the root cause. – Stay out of emotional reactions. Generate many possibilities. – Take the time to observe, know what the standards are, and keep your own prejudice out as much as you can. Focus on the attempt, the success (or not), the actions, and the outcomes. – Create the connection between current reality and the desired outcomes. The coach designs the path between understanding the client and achieving the desired outcomes. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 40
  41. 41. – Scrupulously fair and dedicated to the highest standards. Balance with the qualities of patience and flexibility. Are you too rigorous (harsh), or are you too patient (wishy-washy). – People change in biological time. Habitual actions are embedded. Even after insight, integration takes time. Patience is waiting without complaining. – Apply the same standards to ourselves as to our clients. In one-to-one coaching, there is no escaping close scrutiny. Walk the talk. – Efforts will not turn out exactly as planned. Nurture the client’s attempts, encourage progress. Different people adapt at different rates. Make the coaching fit without diluting commitment to the outcome. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 41
  42. 42. (on each skill/quality) – Make a scale of one-to-five and then calibrate the scale. What would a five be, or who would a five be? (on each skill/quality) – What are the specific actions you are taking that display your level of competence? (in behavioral terms) – What actions would you be doing as an expression of that skill or quality if you were as competent as you would like to be? – Between current reality and the intended outcome. This should consists of , a , and a . 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 42
  43. 43.  Behavior done again and again with the intention to improve.  What observable behavior will be part of the practice?  What are the standards for the performance of that behavior?  What should your client to observe to tell how well she is performing? How often will you have the client do the practice? How long each session? Duration of Practice itself? Milestones? How often will the client stop and assess progress? Progress criteria? People and groups to call on when there is a breakdown or a question. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 43
  44. 44.  It is by continually asking this question “How can I contribute?” that our identity and competence as coaches will continue to unfold.  This book is a series of distinctions that point to a way of understanding and working with people that is satisfying for both client and coach.  Please do not get caught up in the words, but instead look for the intent.  Steady practicing will lead to a high level of competence. You will be able to be of great assistance to others, and deeply fulfilled yourself.  Your openness to allowing this book to contribute to you is a gift to me. For that I thank you. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 44
  45. 45. The book includes several excellent business, relationship, and personal samples in ; and several excellent business, relationship, and personal samples in . Included here is an example from each Appendix.
  46. 46. – To become more aware of how I feel during the workday, and what I accomplish on a daily basis. - Stop twice each day – at midday and at the end of the day –and ask yourself the following questions. Anticipate this exercise by observing yourself throughout your day. Record your responses. 1. What energized me most at work today? 2. What discouraged me most at work today? 3. In what ways did #1 and #2 above affect how I spent my time? What did I accomplish? 4. What patterns do I see emerging from what I am observing in this exercise? What action will I take about what I have observed? 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 46
  47. 47.  Sitting is a practice in observation, in acceptance, in compassion, in stillness, in discovering our true nature. Because it is simple, it can be difficult to do. It is impossible to do wrong – if done with sincerity (Do not continually assess and/or berate yourself). Please do this exercise for 20 minutes each day for the next three months. 1. Sit up straight in a chair with your feet flat on the floor. 2. Close your eyes or gaze at a spot on the floor 6-8 feet in front of you. 3. Bring your awareness to your breathing – focus either on your abdomen, which rises and falls as you breathe, or on your nostrils, where the air enters and leaves your nose. Do not change your breathing, just observe it. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 47
  48. 48. 4. Say quietly to yourself “in” when you inhale and “out” when you exhale. 5. Focus all your attention on your breath. If your attention wanders, simply say “thought” to yourself and bring your attention back to your breathing. 6. Acknowledge any sensations in your body by saying “sensation” and returning your attention to breathing. Do the same with any emotions or feelings that may occur. – Each week, take about 15 minutes to write out what you have learned about yourself by sitting and how you will take this knowledge into action. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 48
  49. 49. 5/12/ Coaching - James Flaherty - B/H - 3rd ed. - 2010 49