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Whitetail Physics
To keep you readers abreast of all the latest developments concerning the sport of
bowhunting, my editor sends me far and wide to cover stories he thinks you should be aware
of. On a recent assignment, I found myself in the heart of the Missouri Ozarks; in a place where
time appears to have stood still for the past hundred years or so. I was there at the invitation of
a local resident who claims he has solved the mystery surrounding one aspect of whitetail deer
behavior by applying the laws of quantum physics to it. It sounded strange, but I was intrigued
by the man’s claim. Mr. Strandlund, smelling a Pulitzer Prize, immediately sent me packing as
soon as he got wind of the story and what follows is the interview I did with the Ozarkian
scientist, Ferd Weber.
BW: This is Darren Haverstick, reporting for Bowhunting World, and I’m here in Timber,
Missouri with renowned physicist and bowhunter, Ferd Weber, discussing his latest theory on
the relationship between whitetail deer and the world of atomic particles. Mr. Weber, I have to
admit, I am not familiar with your work. Could you please tell me and our readers a little about
yourself?
Ferd: Well, as you say there, sonny, my name is Ferd Weber and I am a lifelong resident of
this here part of Shannon County. I growed up a huntin’ and fishin’ so’s we could have vittles to
eat and I reckon I have took jes ‘bout every type of varmint there is in these woods. Over the
years, of course, I’ve come to have my partials. I just love a young coon, slathered in barbecue
sauce over a hot, hikree fire and I learned at a young age to leave them little brown lizzerds
alone. They’ll give you gas somethin’ fierce and put a greezy film in yore mouth you cain’t get
rid of with a bar of lye soap!
BW: Uh, that’s interesting, but I was hoping to hear more about your academic background.
Ferd: Oh that; sure. Well, uh, I went to school same as every kid around here but left the third
grade at the age of fifteen to pursue a career in the cordwood industry. After a chainsaw
sharpening incident cost me a thumb and two fingers, I decided to take up the more cerebral
vocation of making corn likker. It’s a dang sight safer and it gave me time to pursue my other
pashun which is pondering the cosmos at the quantum level.
BW: Mr. Weber, I guess I’m a little surprised. So you’re telling me you’re not a formally trained
physicist? You do this just as a hobby?
Ferd: Now, don’t go talking down to me, boy, or yer liable to find yer hand on yer noggin with
a knot under it! Jes because I don’t have a scrap of paper with fancy writin’ on it sayin’ I’m a
physicist don’t mean I ain’t one. Heck, I know a woman two hollers over that’s bin docterin’
folks round here fer fifty years and she cain’t even read! But she can make up a poultice that’ll
cure everthing frum common warts to leprissy. I even seen her once grow the hind leg back on
Newt Riley’s hog! That’s a purty neat trick if’en you only want to eat one ham at a time.
BW: No, no, sir. Uh, I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s just that I’m amazed that you have any
training in physics at all considering your, uh, environment. To have the level of knowledge you
have is absolutely astounding!
Darren C. Haverstick
10276 N. Farm Road 183
Fair Grove, MO 65648
dchaverstick@gmail.com

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Ferd: Well, shucks, I’ve always had a good head for figgures and there really ain’t much
differnce between follerin’ a 50-gallon moonshine recipe that’s only in yer head or solving some
ole partial differential equation.
BW: I think you would find a few mathematicians who would say you’re being too modest, Mr.
Weber. But anyway…Let’s get back on track to your new theory concerning whitetail deer.
Ferd: Wellsir, I wuz a watchin’ one of them thar science shows on the sateelite TV when they
commenced a talkin’ bout subatomic barnacles like protons, coupons, bonbons and such.
Anyways…they wuz discussin’ how’s some of these here barnacles could pop in and out of
existence like magic and I said to myself, “You know, Ferd, that ain’t much differnt than how a
danged ole buck can appear in the exact spot you jus looked at five seconds ago when there
weren’t nuthin’ there.” So’s that got me to studyin’ on the subject and purty soon I had a notion
of what wuz really goin’ on with them magically appearin’ deers.
BW: And what was that notion, Mr. Weber?
Ferd: Now hold yer dang horses, boy! Don’t you know a good story takes time to tell and it’s
rude to interrupt yer elders! What are you in such a hurry about? Do you need to use the privy?
I thought you looked like you wuz binded up. Go on over there behind the house and do yer
bizness. I’ll wait fer ye till you git back.
BW: No, Mr. Weber, uh, I’m fine. I am just anxious to hear what you have discovered.
Ferd: Oh, I see. Heh heh heh! You suffer from the impatience of youth. Well, I remember them
days myself; chasin’ girls, racin’ mules, hidin’ copperheads in the neighbor’s henhouse. Them
sure wuz fun times! I remember this one night, bout forty years ago, when me and my
brother….
BW: Uh, Mr. Weber, you were telling me about whitetail deer and “barnacles”?
Ferd: Oh, yeah; sorry. Now where wuz I? Right… magically appearing deers. Okay, so’s here I
got’s this notion about how them deers do that trick so now I got to go do some experiments to
test my hypothesis. Now some folks would call my field work, “huntin”, but I call it “doin
experiments” cause you cain’t write off huntin’ when yore tallying up yer 1040 fer the Tax Man.
Anyways…I did a whole passel of experimentin’ and what I done discovered is that them deers
that show up in them spots where they weren’t a moment ago ain’t really deer. Them are Anti-
Deer.
BW: Anti-deer? Uh, I guess I don’t understand what you mean, Mr. Weber.
Ferd: Of course you don’t, boy. You cain’t hep it if yor dumb as a bag of hair. But I will try to
explain it so’s that you and yer readers can figgure it out. You see, everything in this here
Uneeverse has an opposite. We got Matter and we got Anti-Matter. We got Hunters and we got
Anti-Hunters; which is a problem I’m working on right now so’s them fellers pop out of
existence for good. And we got Deer and Anti-Deer. Anti-deer don’t look, act, or taste no
differnt than reglar deer but thems the ones that do that now-you-see-me-now-you-don’t trick
right before yer very eyeballs. It all has to do with charmed quarks, quantum foam and good

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bourbon; but I don’t want to bore you with the details. If you study on it jis a little bit, you’ll see
that my theory is the only explunashun that fits the data.
BW: Well, um, seeing as how I’m only as smart as a bag of hair, I will have to take your word
for it, Mr. Weber. However, have you shared your findings with any of your colleagues to get
their opinion?
Ferd: Yep. I went over to visit Tom Dooley in Bunker jes the other day to discuss my findings
with him. He’s the moonshiner over in them parts but he wuz too busy with production
schedules and dodgin’ revenuers to talk much.
BW: Not your moonshining colleagues, sir, but your physicist colleagues! You know, professors
at MIT or CalTech; people like that? Did you ever submit any papers to anybody in the physics
community for peer review?
Ferd: I don’t reckon I know what yore talkin’ bout with submittin’ papers and peerin’ at stuff
but I do know them fellers you mentioned all sound like rich, fancy-pants, cityboys who
wouldn’t know the differnce between a whitetail deer and a whiteoak tree. And I shore don’t
have time to explain to them my cutting edge ideas what with experimentin’ season just about
to start in earnest. Now if you’ll excuse me, sonny, I believe we’ve jawed on this subject all we
need to jaw on. All work and no play makes a man mighty thirsty, if you know what I mean.
Let’s me and you go out back to the smokehouse and I’ll let you sample one of my new recipes
called “Mule Juice “. It goes down real smooth but after two swallers you feel like you done
been kicked in the head.
BW: Sure, why not? I don’t see how this assignment can get any worse. Maybe after a snort or
two of your concoction I can come up with some physics theories of my own like how to make
my editor disappear. For what it’s worth, this is Darren Haverstick reporting for Bowhunting
World magazine.