1. Story #2
On a cold winter day, Jared Hergesheimer, senior center for the Boise State Broncos club
hockey team, jumps out of bed 9 a.m.. He showers, makes some eggs, grabs a Gatorade, and is
out the door to the stadium.
Routine eases his nerves on such big days.
After arriving at the stadium, Hergesheimer goes for a run outside the arena before going
inside to get dressed for the game.
He always retapes his hockey stick before every big game. “It’s a kind of therapy for
me,” Hergesheimer said.
Since he was three years old and living in the small town of Idaho Falls, Hergesheimer
had always wanted to be a professional hockey player.
“When Jared first started playing hockey he was a step above other players, a one man
dynamic”, said Jared’s father Rob Hergesheimer
Hergesheimer ever since he was a child dreamed of attending Denver University and
making it to the big time.
“ I’d hit pucks into our garage door until my mom would make me come inside,” he said.
“I used to want to play all night if I could.”
During high school, Hergesheimer was confronted with the truth.
“I knew I wasn’t going to be a D1 athlete and Boise state was an up and coming
program.”
When Hergesheimer hit high school he realized his size would be a problem and hold
back his dreams.
Hergesheimer is now in his fifth season with the Broncos and is one of three seniors on
the team.
At 5-foot-7 and 165 pounds, Hergesheimer is the smallest player on the team, but that
hasn't hurt his productivity.
“Jared is a hard worker and is most effective when he uses his speed. A good playmaker
and scorer.” said coach Cal Ingraham.

2. With six goals and 14 assists on the season, Hergesheimer is ninth on the team in goals
and seventh in assists heading into the tournament.
“There’s other things I have to do in life, and I’m not always going to be able to play
hockey,” Hergesheimer said.
Boise State plays in division two of the American Collegiate Hockey Association and
has never made it past the regional tournament.
This year according to the ACHA website, the Broncos are ranked fourth in the Western
region and for the first time are headed into the tournament on March 20 at the University of
Utah in Salt Lake City.
“Winning nationals and even making it to the tournament has been my greatest hockey
accomplishment,” Hergesheimer said.
Hergesheimer will graduate next semester with a degree in Mechanical Engineering and
said he understands that “hockey is my hobby. After this its time to move on to other meaningful
things.”
On Friday, March 20, at 4:30 p.m. the Bronco, with a 26-3-1 record will square off
against William Paterson University, ranked first in the Northern region, located out of N.J..
“I hope to do all I can to help my team win and leave everything on the ice. I may be at
the end of my hockey career but that doesn't mean I can't be the start of a dynasty,”
Hergesheimer said.
Sources:
Interview: Jared Hergesheimer (interviewed)
Interview: Coach Cal Ingraham (interviewed)
Interview: Rob Hergesheimer (interviewed)
http://boisestatehockeyclub.com/
http://achahockey.pointstreaksites.com/view/achahockey
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Structure Level Review (Also known as the “mapping the text” exercise)
The “mapping the text” exercise we did in class is another way of looking at the structure, or big
picture, of your feature story. So, use this review to consider ALL the important parts of your
story. Can you identify each part? Does it make sense and support the other parts? Is there a

3. part that needs more attention? Use this review to guide your revisions, just like Franklin
suggests.
Complication: Never going to make it to the NHL
Development (or different “focuses”, you want to be able to pinpoint three)
1. Dream of making it to the NHL
2. Career at Boise State
3. Making it to nationals
Resolution: Accepts that he won't go to the NFL / Moves on
How do you try to create for the reader a “suspension of disbelief” (pg. 138 in Franklin)? In other
words, what details or moments to you highlight to try to pull the reader into the story, and make
him/her feel like she was there?
I use moments like him running in the parking lot, and tapping his hockey stick to
help bring the reader into the story. It creates a “suspension of disbelief” by bring the
reader to a different place by helping visualize Hergesheimer and pull the reader into that
moment.
How do you use the “threads that orient” to move the reader through the story (p. 138)?
Remember, these threads are details that relate to time, place, character, subject, and/or mood,
and then help keep the reader on the same page as the writer. So, do you need to give
clarifying details about when something happened? Or who is doing it? OR where it happened?
The main thread I use is character, revolving around Jared and his journey. The
subject being a sport is another way I move the reader along.
How have you used transitions in the narrative to move your reader through the story (p. 143)?
Are your transitions helpful in bridging ideas from one development or focus to the next?
I think my transitions are good and I use quotes to move the story on. It’s
especially easy because its a sports story and therefore has a natural flow.
Finally, do you use any literary devices to help set the mood or create imagery? Some common
literary devices are:
1. Tone (YES)
2. Irony
3. Symbolism
4. Conflict (YES)

4. 5. Foreshadowing
6. Imagery (YES)
7. Setting
8. Metaphor
9. Personification
10. Simile
11. Hyperbole
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Directions: Use this editing checklist to complete a close edit of your feature story. This checklist
addresses “micro” issues—that is, it will not solve major issues in structure or clarity, so be on
the lookout for those, too.
oDid you run spell check? YES
oDid you check for missing words (a, the, for, etc.)? YES
oDid you check for proper use of homonyms (their, there, they’re, its, it’s)? YES
oDoes each sentence end with the proper punctuation? YES
oDoes each paragraph have no more than two sentences? YES
oDoes each quote begin a new paragraph? YES
oAre punctuation marks inside quotation marks? YES
oDid you use said and only said for attribution? (No: exclaimed, mentioned, etc.) YES
oDid you use adverbs sparingly? YES
oDid you rewrite any sentences that use passive voice? YES
oDid you clarify any vague pronoun references? YES
oDid you correct any missing or unnecessary capitalization? YES
oDid you use correct AP style for names, numbers, ages, locations, titles, etc.? YES
oDid you use at least two sources? YES
oDo you have at least three-four direct quotes? YES
oDid you eliminate all first-person references? YES
oDid you eliminate all author interjections/opinions? YES
oIs the verb tense consistent? YES
oDid you read it out loud, slowly, to catch any clarity/wording issues? YES
oAre all sentences complete with a subject and noun (no fragments)? YES
oDid you properly use commas? YES
oDid you avoid starting sentences with “there are” and “there is?” YES
oDid you shorten and rewrite any run-on sentences? YES
oDid you apply the lessons learned thus far in our textbooks to write clean, compelling copy?
YES
oDid you write simply? Did you write as short as possible? YES