Hook your ex system pdf download

Disclaimer:
This book is written for informational purposes only. The author has
made every effort to make sure the information is complete and
accurate. All attempts have been made to verify information at the
time of this publication and the authors do not assume any
responsibility for errors, omissions, or other interpretations of the
subject matter. The publisher and author shall have neither liability
nor responsibility to any person or entity with respect to any loss or
damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly by this
book.
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Table Of Contents
Chapter 1 – Trade Of Emotions. 17
Chapter 2 – The Most Important Key To The Puzzle 32
Chapter 3 – The Great Wall Of Defense 47
Chapter 4 – Should I or Shouldn’t I? 57
Chapter 5 – Why Does It Hurt So Damn Much? 70
Chapter 6 – How To Bring Their Primal Brain To
A Neutral Position 83
Chapter 7 – Let The Power Shift 95
Chapter 8 – How To Defeat The Vicious Circle Of Pain 107
Chapter 9 – The Emotional Cleanup Process. 126
Chapter 10 – The Logical Reasoning Process. 138
Chapter 11 – The Counter Reaction Method 148
Chapter 12 – Get Their Primal Brain To Focus
On The Positive 158
Chapter 13 – Putting Hope In One Place Is The
Source Of Misery 173
Chapter 14 – Re-establishing Lines of Communication 178
Chapter 15 – How To Impress Them All Over Again 186
Chapter 16 – The Love Amplifier Method 194
Chapter 17 – What To Do When The Breakup
Hasn’t Happened Yet 204
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Chapter 18 – Most Important Questions. 209
Chapter 19 – When Things Don’t Go Your Way 219
Conclusion 228
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Introduction:
It was early morning, when I was awoken from a restless sleep, by a sea of
chilling sweat that had formed on my pillow. I sat up, turning to look at my
alarm clock, to of course find that it was, as I suspected: some God-awful hour
in the morning.
Of course, the minute I sat up, my stomach churned, and I found myself again,
quickly reaching for the garbage can that was now a permanent fixture right
beside my bed. I heaved hard into it; my stomach wrenching hard up into my
abdomen.
Nothing came out…but my stomach had continuously kept on trying to almost
force me to literally turn inside out, by relentlessly conducting what was now
beginning to feel like a constant ‘retching’ assault against me.
I hadn’t eaten properly. Nothing stayed down anyway, so I found it hard to
justify even trying to bother, after my stomach decided that I should apparently
become the first endless, human vomit volcano.
Trying hard to control my agitated stomach long enough to at least catch a
breath; I quickly gulped back a deep breath. I held the air in, until my lungs
burnt, allowing the pressure to mount; until finally I had reached my threshold,
and released it all with a heavy sigh. I decided I might as well get up, since I
wasn’t going to be getting any sleep this night either.
The last few nights had been equally as demonic, forming what was starting to
look like a merciless army of ailments that I was now battling, from the
obnoxious and restless stirring as I tried to sleep, to the oceans of cold sweats,
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to the awful headaches that would make a jackhammer to the head, seem like a
garden of soft cotton balls.
I was weak, torn down, and my nerves were already so far over the edge of my
emotional cliff, that minute by minute, I started to feel like I was becoming
insane. I stumbled out of my bed, and found my way to the bathroom, to rinse
out my mouth.
Standing in front of the sink, looking up, it was hard to recognize the person
staring back at me in the mirror, and at this point, I didn’t even know who I was
anymore. I sincerely looked as if I had been dragged through a holocaust; with
dark swollen bags forming under my eyes, I was grotesquely pale. I could barely
even stand up straight.
This was the newest low I had ever reached, I thought to myself. I coldly looked
through my own reflection in the mirror, as I continued to examine and assess
the physical damage.
My eyes were burning heavily, just from turning the bathroom light on. They
were dry, and I wasn’t even sure when it happened either, but I had apparently
broken a blood vessel in my eye, and the white of my eye was now a piercing
and bloodshot red.
I didn’t feel ashamed to see this result, because of all of the things happening to
me, and my ailing body recently, it made the most sense. It had to make sense,
because truthfully, I had been sitting here, crying my eyes out like a blubbering
baby, for 2 days now.
It was awfully pathetic, but it was the only thing I knew how to do in that
moment, because to be openly and brutally honest with you, I had no FRICKIN
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clue, what else to do.
There was, of course, no doubt about it, that in that moment, I was completely,
and utterly defeated, on all levels. I was a pathetic and useless mess.
But here’s where my story takes an extremely odd turn, because SHOCKINGLY,
all of this had happened to me, in the span of JUST 3 days simply because
somebody had broken up with me.
Yes, you heard that correctly: it had ONLY been 3 days since the love of my life
had broken up with me, and while it sounds embarrassingly exaggerated, I must
shamefully admit, that all of those things really did happen to me, after that
breakup.
Yeah, I know, it all sounds so silly, and awfully pathetic, but this was my harsh
and unrelenting reality, when the person I thought I’d spend the rest of my life
with, suddenly decided to coldly (and HEARTLESSLY) dump me.
To say that I was a mess, during that period, would be an absolute
understatement (and then some), as you can see.
The more I thought about what had happened to me, the more my body
rejected this painful outcome, and punished me cruelly with more symptoms,
more aches, and a laundry list of even more damaging mental, physical, and
emotional woes. I was stuck, and unfortunately clueless as to how to change
anything, in that moment.
All I could think about was her. I constantly felt this empty feeling inside of me,
which just kept on driving me perpetually crazy. Everything that I concentrated
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on, or tried to do, kept reminding me of her.
Weak, exhausted, and at the end of my rope… I found myself panicking. I was
getting worse by the minute, and in my mind, in that agonizing moment, the
only thing that could fix EVERYTHING, was the one person, who was now my ex.
I can’t even say how, but somehow I managed to let another day pass by, of
relentless physical aches, emotional breakdowns, panic attacks, and stomach
churning torment.
I felt recklessly desperate. My emotions were raging intensely, in all kinds of
directions, screaming at me, to get her back, and fix things. Thoughts circled
endlessly, eating me up internally, reminding me constantly that I NEEDED her
back, and that I could not be normal without her.
What I did next is something I still regret to this very day. It was the middle of
the night, as I scrambled to dial her number. I felt nervous, as each ring carried
out into the next, until her voicemail hummed a monotonous message lying to
me, about how “the person you are trying to reach is not available”.
I reasoned that I needed to keep calling; that I needed her to pick up, and talk to
me. I wasn’t going to settle for only being able to leave her a cold voicemail. I
needed to hear her voice, and have her respond in real time… and explain
everything to her. I just knew, deep inside, that if I could “just explain” it, that
she would somehow understand, would “get me”, and would reconsider.
It rang again, with each subsequent unanswered ring tone crushing into my
already high anxiety; the desperate urge to make her respond became
compulsively obsessive.
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I kept on calling her, and calling her, and calling her… until finally, she turned her
phone off.
In one fell swoop she had miraculously delivered an even harder low blow, this
time around, than she did when she had initially broken up with me.
She didn’t know, in that moment, that she was kicking a man, when he was
already down… or maybe she did, and she was just truly that heartless?
Well it didn’t matter, because I HAD to convince her, I had to make her SEE, and
understand…
I left her countless voicemails, while her phone was switched off, until her
voicemail was full, and couldn’t take any more messages. I begged, I pleaded, I
explained, I tried to reason, I even cried. I asked her if she still loved me, and
tried to remind her of all the times and places that she had needed and loved
me before, and talked about how deep down inside, she must still love me
somehow.
I poured all of my emotions into those voicemails. Some, telling her how I
needed her back, and I couldn’t be without her, and how she was the only
woman for me, begging her to “please, please… don’t do this to me.
Please, take me back. Please I will change. Please…!”. I even sent her a
voicemail, getting angry at her, for breaking her promise to love me, and be
with me forever, and blaming her for giving up so easily, hating her for
abandoning me, and for being so cruel. It seemed as though I didn’t leave one
thing out, by the time I was done.
I had dumped all of my emotional baggage into those voicemails, in such an
aggressive way, that after that, the consequence of doing so was so harshly
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severe, that I ended up having a complete nervous breakdown.
After that night, she changed her phone number, stopped replying to my
emails, and EVEN cut off any of her friends, who might have been mutual
between us. If she could have fallen off the face of the planet itself, I guarantee
that in that moment, she would have also done that just to get away from me.
It was the most disturbingly crushing blow ever handed down to me, and I was
already weak and vulnerable. This was the flame that ignited my entire world
on fire. She had already poured the gasoline on me, with the breakup, but this
final cold reaction of hers, was the light match that would burn everything in
my world down, to a dark and sullen ash.
I tormented myself, many nights, thinking ‘What if she has found someone else’?
‘What if she settles down’? ‘What if I never see her again?’ ‘What if this is the
end of the road for me?’
These "what if’s" were ‘making me mental’… to the point where I even hit a
new, and even more pathetic low.
I didn’t want to just GET better, I wanted to BE better… and that meant one
thing and one thing only: I had to hook my ex all over again.
I had to pull her back with such a strong force that she’d never ever, feel like she
should leave ever again. I had to give her a massive window of opportunity, to
not only show her, but PROVE to her, that she would be utterly missing out, to
NOT be with me.
I had to completely revolutionize my entire approach and my life and turn
everything around, on such a level, that she would actually be inclined to be
drawn back to me that she’d actually be sparked to want to come back, by her
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own free will.
This strong spark inside of me, to revolutionize my love life, would end up
tearing through everything I ever thought I knew about relationships, breakups,
and even my ex.
I never knew it then, but I had actually opened up the doors for a completely
new life to actually be created, in that very moment.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but my life was about to turn from mediocre,
lonely, and depressing into something that I never could have dreamed in a
million years…
I’d end up, by the end of all of this, and this story, making her feel as though
there is no other man on this entire planet, who is a better and more perfect
match for her than I was. I’d end up in a situation where my ex would come
crawling back to me, begging me to take her back.
I’d end up, not only back together with my ex but HAPPIER than I was when we
were first together. I’d end up being able to hold her in my arms, and hear her
tell me how much she loves me, and appreciates me, and how happy she feels
being with me now.
I’d end up truthfully not only just getting her back, but getting her to be with me
again, on levels and in ways that have made our relationship more than just
rock solid.
After a while of being back together, again, I’d come to realize, however that
what my ex and I had gotten back, and what we had gained as a renewed
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couple was something that only a handful of people around the world knew,
and got to experience..
I started to look around my surroundings, and I even looked into my past at how
miserable I was, how clueless I was, and even how stupid I had been- and the
more I looked around, the more I noticed, that I was NOT alone in this
experience.
I was not alone in being completely hopeless, helpless, and lost after a breakup
and I was not even alone in also being clueless relationship-wise before the
breakup.
I realized that almost every other damn person out there was also going through
this, in one way or another, just on different levels. It broke my heart to think
that others would have to stumble, trip, and fall as hard as I did and almost lose
everything, like I did only to possibly remain that way for the rest of their lives.
It broke my heart to think that anybody else would have to go through the same
pain that I know all too personally… and not be able to lift themselves up much
higher after that.
I didn’t want anybody else to have to live with the regret I had to, when my ex
stopped contacting me, after I completely blew everything. I didn’t want
anybody else to have to make themselves sick over the fear that their ex might
move on, and replace them with somebody else.
I especially didn’t want anybody else to have to face a world- where they might
lose the love of their life, completely.
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That’s when another spark charged through me, and I realized that I had to do
something about this. I realized that I needed to share my experience, my story,
and my knowledge so that others, others like you, can get the outcome that you
ACTUALLY want… not the outcome that HAPPENS to you!
I want you to know, as you read through this course, and work on changing your
current situation for the better that I 100% am onboard with how you are
feeling, and what you are going through. I absolutely understand it, to even
such a sickening level, that sometimes I am embarrassed to admit some of this
stuff.
But, for your sake, and even mine, I’m going to. I’m not going to hold back,
because I understand what’s at stake here- I understand that you are at risk
right now, of losing the love of your life… FOREVER!
I want you to trust me, and KNOW that I am not going to let that happen! I am
going to work with you, in this course, just as hard as I worked back then to get
my ex back!
In fact, I am going to start right now, with a lesson that many people don’t
realize, and even forget, and even ignore as a truth in their lives. The very first
lesson you need to understand and recognize, is this: “RELATIONSHIPS" are not
one of the subjects that are taught in school like math and science, or other
subjects that we learn as we are growing up.
Simply put: we are not properly taught how to handle, and deal with an
intimate relationship (love life), as we grow up. Sure, your parents might have
had that “birds and the bees” talk with you and you might have even learned a
thing or two about relationships, from watching how your parents interacted...
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But all of those things are ONLY relative, compared to how it actually works,
when you are actually sitting behind the wheel, engine roaring with your foot
on the gas pedal as you begin moving your “relationship vehicle”.
Put it this way: will you be successfully able to drive a car when you get into it
for the very first time? The obvious answer is "no".
You could have even been told how to start a car, and how a car works but until
you are actually behind the wheel, trying to shift gears, and make the car go
where you want it to go as you want it to go… it’s all still very relative, but that’s
about it.
The real experience, knowledge, and learning curve comes when you actually
get in the car and unfortunately, this “car” is not the kind that we are ever really
taught about practically, in school, or through our families.
Most people just sort of go along through life “guessing” what it is that they are
supposed to be doing, in their relationship and then they pass that idea along
to the people they know, and the people they know do the same thing.
It goes back and forth, back and forth and the car might actually move from
that “advice” but nobody realizes, until the car is careening down a steep hill
that it was only ever in neutral, until of course, the car is moving backward,
down a hill.
What we’re looking for here, is to not only get into the car, and learn how to use
it but to be able to go where we want to go in a relationship but NOBODY, and I
repeat, NOBODY, can do that, without first understanding the core dynamics of a
relationship.
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Just as you would have to learn how to drive, and develop that SKILL, becoming
successful at relationships is ALSO a skill. The good news, however, is this:
It’s all learn-able.
Now, remember when I said earlier, that I wasn’t going to let you get lead off
the beaten path?
This is what I am talking about - it’s ALL learnable and though you might not
have been taught this, as you have been taught many other subjects all you
need to know for now is that you can easily learn and master this area of your
life just like any other area.
In fact, this area, can be explained, broken down, and fixed- a heck of a lot
easier than other subjects you might have dealt with, when you were still
learning in school.
Now, I’m going to bring this back around, to the part earlier where I mentioned
how you can get the outcome that you ACTUALLY want, instead of only being
dealt the outcome that happens TO you!
This is a very important concept, and I will get more into it, in the coming
chapters; but for now I want to let you know that, this course is going to give
you the opportunity to finally be able to know, and understand:
Why Things Go Wrong, What To Do About It How To Control It And of course you
will be able to leverage from there, and learn how to ALWAYS be in control, so
that your love life is not always careening out of control, without any brakes to
stop it, and without a steering wheel to change the direction either.
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The strangest thing is that most people would go through their life without even
realizing these secrets and I almost slipped into a place where I too could have
ended up not knowing either.
BUT! It didn't come easy to me. I learned all of what I am about to share with
you, through the long and brutal path of trial and error. All in all, my entire
struggle was a big pain in the rear end (and then some)!
Nevertheless, it was all worth it, and I plan on turning what was once a massive
pain in the rear end for me, into something that is worth it for you too so that
you don’t have to ever end up like I was.
Now, since I am giving all that I can here, to you now to make sure that your
outcome is successful. I want you to do just one thing for me here, in return:
Give me a few days, and read this book, seriously, and intently…word for word.
If you do that for me, I promise you, that your future will definitely have
another person back in it- a person whom you are missing right now, a person
whom you are longing for, and desperately need back in your life.
Sound fair? Alright!
Ready to get started?
Good! Now, let me take you by the hand and walk you through the contents of
this book, step-by-step...
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Chapter 1 – Trade Of Emotions.
I am going to start things off by mentioning a very rude reality about human
beings, and that is this – “Humans at their very core are selfish beings”.
Even though we may practice things like charity and altruism every now and
then, ultimately, people are going to do what they do out of a sense of self
gratification. Self-gratification isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but at the same
time, it certainly isn’t for nothing other than the greater good.
Even the most selfless actions that we commit can be, ultimately, motivated by
the positive emotions that we draw from feeling like we’re fulfilled or good-
hearted. People think that they’re doing something out of the goodness of their
hearts, but in truth, they’re doing it in order to acquire or attain something
that’s important.
The connotation may seem a slight bit harsh, but nevertheless, it’s the truth
that we have to embrace. Even though humans are inherently selfish, it does
not imply that we are incapable of doing good things. All that it means, is that
our own sense of fulfillment is our primary priority.
Take parents, for example; parents look after their children with good
intentions, typically, but many parents will do so out of a sense of feeling like
better parents. The ambition to be a good parent is anything but toxic or
reprehensible, but at the same, it’s focused on an inherent sense of self-
efficacy.
Self-efficacy, in its essence, is a highly productive factor in human development.
If taken to an excessive degree, however, it can become counterproductive.
Many people are familiar with what happens when a person becomes far too
17

absorbed in themselves.
For that reason, being concerned with oneself has a negative connotation.
Many people, then, will attempt to avoid describing themselves as being self-
absorbed. They will freely describe their best attributes, but, they will fully
avoid describing themselves as being self-absorbed. Even while exemplifying all
of the qualities of a narcissistic person, many people will adamantly deny the
notion that they are concerned only with themselves.
“I only care about myself.”
Very few people actually state that, however, we are primarily designed to be
selfish at our very core. This manifests itself in human relationships as well.
Relationships, for many people, are a form of validation. Even though they are
thinking of the other person in the relationship, to an extent, the relationship is
built off of what they think of themselves for having the relationship.
This doesn’t mean that they cannot be generous or loving; however, it does
mean that the actions and words that they speak may not be entirely based off
of sacrifice for their lover.
Many people, are conditioned to frame the kind words and actions that they
speak and commit as being for others; considering that, it is completely rational
to assume that a serious relationship can be created based on these principles.
Have you ever wondered why, as humans, we get into relationships? There
could be plenty of reasons: physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, sense of
belongingness, pro-creation, a sense of safety and security, etc. We can’t
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pinpoint every single reason on the planet, but there are enough for us to
confidently conclude that we highly value relationships as a collective society.
Most relationships, in truth, are a constant trade of emotions. We try to make
our partner feel great in our company, and in return, we expect something
similar from his or her end. You might call this the law of equivalent exchange.
For every action, there is a reaction; for every force, there is a reciprocal force.
For every thing that we do for our partners, some capacity for return is created.
For every expenditure of emotional energy, capacity for emotional reciprocation
is created. Two people who are in sync, will be able to sustain the cycle of
emotional equivalent exchange more or less unconsciously.
A good relationship is foundationally based on this very principle. As long as
both the partners feel pleasant in each other’s company, the relationship
survives and goes well. Even while the two partners are absorbed in their own
personal ideas of the relationship, they will be ironically unified in their
common romantic narcissism.
However, the moment we don’t get our fair share of good emotions, we either
push harder to get it, or seek it in other places; this explains why so many
relationships go through a high, then a sudden low.
The sudden low is the moment when a person is first confronted with the
reality that they are more infatuated with their own personal idea of their lover
rather than that actual lover.
The low is a challenge because, in a way, it may force two people to attempt
getting to know one another for the first time. Even though they have already
met one another, they have never met versions of one another that are unable
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to satisfy their personally held ideas of one another.
When either or person is unsatisfied by what their partner provides in
comparison to their idea of what should be provided, they may feel as though
they are not getting a sufficient emotional deal.
The bottom line is that, as humans, we are always looking for a good emotional
deal in our partner. A partner is an investment. As long as we get a consistent
flow of good emotions, we do everything in our power to maintain and sustain
the deal.
The relationship, you can say, is like a form of checks and balances.
Governmental checks and balances ensure that no particular branch of
government overpowers the other two. Checks and balances, in a relationship,
should ensure that neither partner is overpowering or giving too little in
comparison to that of their partner; if this happens, the flow of emotion is
disturbed.
However, when we don’t get a decent enough flow of good emotions, we do
everything in our power to get it someplace else. We could call our desire for a
sufficient emotional flow a form of electricity. As you may know, electricity is
drawn to things that are conductive.
If given the choice, electricity will always choose the most conductive material
near it over the least conductive material. In relationship terms, this means that
a person will be drawn to seek out more emotionally conductive material, if the
material of their partner isn’t conductive enough.
So the point I am trying to make is this – A breakup usually happens when your
20

partner stopped feeling good enough in your company, and over time, that
shifted to feeling bad.
In fact, our primal brain has a habit of anchoring every event in our life as good
or bad, pleasurable or painful. It seeks to increase our feelings of pleasure and
avoid the feeling of pain as much as possible.
If you have ever studied any psychology, then you maybe familiar with the name
‘Sigmund Freud’. Freud, the father of modern psychoanalysis, proposed three
core components of the human psyche; the id, the ego, and the superego. When
we talk about the primal mind, what we are actually referring to is the id. The id
is the part of the brain that is concerned with nothing more than instant
gratification.
When the id faced with something that it truly desires, it will seek the path of
least resistance that will grant it pleasure. For this reason, many people are
conditioned to see the world in black and white; it doesn’t mean that they are
simple minded, usually, but it can mean that their id is hyperactive.
Not everybody develops their id, ego, and superego at the same rate. For
people who don’t develop a strong sense of self control, which is generally
maintained by the ego, the id runs wild. When the id runs wild, instant
gratification becomes priority number one. When instant gratification becomes
priority number one, a person becomes far more likely to commit things like
infidelity.
Technology has developed at a pace that has made us more and more
accustomed to getting what we want, as soon as we want it. For better or
worse, we are developing into a society that is far less tolerant of waiting for
things. We have come to expect that everything that we desire should be
brought to us as promptly as possible.
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This is why most humans are always actively engaged in trying to make
themselves feel good. It’s not that they decided to become selfish and
impatient, it’s just the way that the first world has conditioned them to expect
things to be.
If your ex has decided to cut off contact with you for some reason related to
excitement or discovery, you are justified in feeling frustrated; however, you
have to understand that the mechanics of self gratification are self maintaining.
Even if a person goes through all the steps to take control of what they believe
is right and wrong, if their primal brain compels them to do something that is
highly stimulating, they maybe prone to abandon their reasoning.
We are not the same as rabid animals who are completely incapable of
balancing out the distinction between reason and desire. Your ex, in spite of
pleasure-seeking human nature, was at one point able to draw a sense of relief,
comfort, and pleasure from YOU instead of obeying their basic desires to get it
from any other source around them.
However, right now, since they don’t wish to be around you anymore, they
aren’t feeling that same sense of relief, comfort and pleasure they once felt for
you due to which they’re avoiding you.
When you realize this, your immediate reaction may be to become angry. You
might feel frustrated that you are so powerless to turn your loved one away
from an impulse that seems so simple and insignificant compared to the bond
between the two of you.
Many people feel as though they were inadequate in some way, shape, or form,
22

and this will lead them to start pondering in what they are able to do better.
Instead of losing sleep over what you might have been able to do better, it
would be far wiser to instead focus on the possible reasons for why events may
have transpired as they have.
Now, the reasons for this could be numerous…
Maybe they found someone else who offered a better emotional deal. As a
result, they saw the contrast between how they feel around you versus how
they feel around this new person; faced with this choice, decided to end things
with you and go to this new person.
As we mentioned before, every human being alive is governed by a mental
schema that attempts to balance primal pleasure and reason. For that reason,
you might say that everyone of us is equalized by the existence of our basic
mental blueprint.
What this means is that, because you have the capacity to feel drawn towards
one person, you possess the inherent ability to be drawn towards another
person too. Rather than calling attraction a state of mind, you might say that
attraction is more of an ability; it’s a capability we have, not just a status.
Many people think that the concept of attraction is one that is exclusive to one
particular person; however, the sheer volume of people on the planet
guarantees that attraction to one person will indicate the potential to become
attracted to others.
The answer to all of this may not have to be related to complex psychology,
though. The answer may actually be quite simple: something about the
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relationship was enough to drive them off.
Maybe you two stopped getting along and your relationship became a source of
constant arguments and quarrels. As we mentioned before, human beings are
social animals. Our entire species thrives off of the fact that we are able to
constantly cooperate.
Though we do have isolated incident of conflict, some larger than others, we
are always at our highest potential when we are working with one another
cohesively. Even the greatest conflicts experienced in human kind would never
have been possible were it not for some parts of human kind being bound
together by national unity.
The unity, therefore, is the precursor to conflict. Conflict, then, is never a state
that humans feel comfortable being involved in more than they have to. When
exposed to a situation in which there is just far more conflict that necessary,
anyone will feel as though the best course of action is to remove themselves
from the situation altogether.
Another reason maybe that one or both of you tried to control one another. As
we mentioned before, a lot of people are more absorbed in their own ideas
of another person that the actual identity of the other person. This doesn’t
imply that you have absolutely no idea who your ex actually was, but at the
same time, it does reflect that you’re feeling like your expectations were
dashed.
After all, an attempt to control something only occurs when that thing appears
to be acting out of line or against the grain.
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When two people are in a struggle to control one another, it shows that their
neutral state of togetherness is tainted by a sense of mutual entitlement. To
avoid the conflict, the entitlement has to be done away with first.
In another case, maybe the sense of intimacy both of you felt towards each
other completely dwindled.
Because people are so often wrapped up completely in themselves, this can be
one of the hardest concepts to fully accept. Sometimes, it’s nobody’s fault.
Sometimes, in spite of everything being done the right way, there can be just a
dip in the drive that pushes the intimacy of the relationship forward.
Sometimes, no matter how much you’d like for it to go in the opposite
direction, the stream of you and your significant lover’s attraction loses its
speed.
You might be perplexed as to exactly when and how it happened, but once it
does happen, you can bet that there’s no mistaking it. The loss of intimacy is like
a sudden loss of heat; completely unmistakable.
We have to be completely honest with ourselves. We gain a great deal from
being completely up front with ourselves about the facts regarding our personal
relationships. When we’re honest with ourselves, we spare ourselves the
dilemma of being unsure of exactly where to begin the process. When we lie to
ourselves, we do ourselves absolutely no favors.
Maybe, your partner felt that you took him or her for granted and they just
didn’t feel worthy enough in your presence.
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It may seem totally impossible at first, but rest assured, it’s easier to commit the
folly than it is to accept it. When you develop a certain level of comfort in your
relationship, you become prone to overlooking things that a less comfortable
person may recognize as a red flag.
When you stop being wary about the things in your relationship that may
indicate that he or she is feeling uncomfortable, you become far more
susceptible to making mistakes without even realizing them.
When you trust in the security of your relationship enough to be carefree, that’s
good; when you trust in it so much that you become careless, however, you’ve
got yourself a problem.
Or maybe, you cheated and this completely shattered your partners trust in
you.
Trust takes an incredibly long time to develop, but only the slightest budge is
required to completely shatter it; consider it like a glass-blown rose. No matter
how high you’ve built up trust between you and your lover, you must not lose
your vigilance.
When you lose your vigilance, you lose your sense of purpose; apply this to a
relationship, and you’ve got somebody who no longer recognizes the purpose
of their commitment. There’s no need to explain what happens when one
person in a relationship has forgotten about the true purpose of the
relationship; a momentary lapse of judgment, a sense of disbelief, and a whole
lot of tears.
I mean I could fill pages upon pages with what could have gone wrong,
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however, the underlying reason for a breakup will always remain this –
“Your ex started getting anxiety provoking emotions in your company, rather
than comfort provoking emotions”.
The tricky thing about these anxiety provoking emotions is the fact that, while
certainly alarming and significant, they are highly subtle and easy to miss.
Anxiety is felt heavily by the person affected by it, but generally not so much by
the person that’s causing it.
If you become the source of another’s anxiety, even without trying, you could
be unconsciously creating a situation in which they feel increasingly in trouble.
They may not be entirely aware of it at first, but eventually, they’ll be
overloaded with signals in their head that compel them to try escaping. They
may not immediately make a break for the door, but they may begin to act in
certain ways that could be conducive to them making egress from the
relationship.
As I already explained that our primal brain tends to label events are positive or
negative, pleasurable of painful. In a similar fashion, it also labels the
experiences we share with our partner using the same scale.
If over time, the number of negative experiences outweigh the positive ones,
our primal brain force feeds feelings of anxiety, guilt, dread and general
negativity whenever we are around our partner.
When the primal brain is faced with anxiety, it is going to react by taking the
path of least resistance. The primal brain is directly linked to the ‘fight or flight’
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drive, and because flight is easier than fight, you can bet that it will be the
option a significant other takes when they’re faced when all other options for
resolution have been exhausted.
This decision doesn’t have to happen in the blink of an eye. Animals will often
make a break for it as soon as they feel threatened, but two people in a
relationship may go on completely unaware of what’s happening between the
two of them for months.
It may even stretch out for years, in some cases. The longer of a time it takes, the
more of a shock it will feel to the person in the couple who winds up getting left
behind.
You see, by keeping a mental journal, our primal brain ensures that we
experience as many pleasurable experiences as possible because that’s basically
its job.
The primal brain’s job description is not an extremely difficult or complex one in
the slightest; that’s the reason why it’s so incredibly powerful in the very first
place. Because the job of the primal brain is as simple as “out with the bad, in
with the good”, those who try to over-complicate actions that result for it are the
ones who wind up being the most confused of all.
The primal brain will keep a series of green lights and red lights within itself that
signal “go” and “stop” commands for all manner of things, and in the course of
deliberation for any action at all, majority is generally going to rule. If the
majority of these traffic lights begins to redden, even in a relationship, then a
person will take the green lights that lead out of it.
Therefore, once it determines that a person’s presence is leading to more
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negative experiences than positive ones, it tends to make us feel such an intense
sense of negativity around that person that we feel this internal force to distance
ourselves from that person.
The negative aura that surrounds people making us uncomfortable can be
compared to an extremely heavy field of gravity. In a normal state, we hardly
even consider the fact that gravity presses down upon us as at every single
second of our lives.
When we become aware of gravity, however, we start to feel a nagging sense of
being completely overwhelmed. When we’re choking on the negativity that
another person exudes, we’ll feel like we’re getting asphyxiated. The very last
thing that you’d want to do, then, is put yourself in a position where you’re
subject to that choking sensation for the majority of your waking hours.
If you’ve ever wondered why the very same person who was deeply and madly
in love with you, can’t even tolerate a text from you now, that’s because they
haven’t consciously decided to hate and avoid you.
As a matter of fact, they may not yet even be completely aware that they’re
giving off the impression that they despise you. They may shroud it under
claims of just looking to ‘get space’ or ‘think about things’, but in truth, the only
thing that they’re actually ‘thinking’ about is the best way that they can get the
hell away from you for as long as possible.
Their primal brain has presented them with something that that their conscious
brain isn’t fully alert to just yet, but because it’s their primal brain, they’re not
going to put a lot of energy into resisting it. They will say things that they
consciously measure to avoid hurting you, but their actions and avoidance will
indicate that their basest desires couldn’t give a rat’s behind about your
sensibilities.
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It’s just that their primal brain has anchored a lot of negativity to your image,
and whenever you come around, a big flow of negative feelings get triggered in
their body. Therefore, the only way they can get rid of these negative feelings is
when they distance themselves from you.
When you consider just how simple the reaction is, it will become incredibly
hard to find a way that you can actually discount it. After all, would you sleep on
a bed of nails at night if you didn’t have to? You would choose to sleep on the
floor in a heartbeat.
We cannot fault human nature for showing a preference for things that are
pleasant to things that are unpleasant; we owe our continued existence as a
species to that logic. When you’ve been faced with the fact that your ex has left
you in order to avoid the feeling of something negative, then you job is not to
try and disprove it; you’ve got to first accept it, and if you so choose to do so,
find out why.
At least, that’s the way they see it for now. The good news is that all this can be
reversed and the moment your image gets anchored to nice, positive feelings,
your ex will start to feel the same old sense of love and belongingness they
once felt for you in the past.
In order to reverse the negative feelings that your ex his harboring towards you,
you’ve got to swim an upstream course against what we’ve described as the
natural flow of human nature; you’ve got to start thinking outside of yourself.
Human beings, as we’ve already made clear, are prone to thinking entirely of
themselves when their primal brain is in overdrive; this leads to people treating
their relationships carelessly, and subsequently, those people getting dumped.
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If this has happened to you, then you must understand that neither of you is at
fault simply for being human.
Despite how unfortunate and unfair it may all seem, you can find solace in one
undeniable truth; if your ex was attracted to you once, there will always be the
potential for them to feel that same attraction once again. Human beings are
made to be together just as much as they are wired to be self-serving.
The primal brain never forgets a highly positive stimulus, and if you want to
work on getting your ex back, you’ve simply got to orchestrate a situation in
which they prioritize the positives over the negatives.
I’ll share more on exactly how to do that in the coming chapters, but for now,
you must understand that every relationship is a trade of emotions and our
primal brain is always on the lookout for pleasurable experiences.
Once you become a source of positive feelings for your ex, his or her primal
brain will naturally see coming back to you as the most logical choice.
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Chapter 2 – The Most Important Key To The Puzzle – Where do
You Currently Stand?
I would like to start this chapter by asking you a rather weird but sensible
question. If a train was going at 100 miles an hour in one direction and you wish
to get on it, how will you go about doing that?
I ask this question not to be facetious, but to get you to honestly consider the
depth of your thought process. If there was a locomotive charging towards you
with enough speed to knock down a building, just how on Earth would you
actually hitch a ride?
Can you stand in front of it and catch it? Would you try to see of you could grab
onto something just in time, even though it would probably rip your arm right
out of the socket? Would you put life and limb on the line, sacrificing your body
for the sake of doing something completely impossible?
If you stood in front of the train and tried to catch it, you’d probably catch
yourself a trip to the afterlife very quickly. Trying to grab onto something while
it went by would probably only succeed in sending the hand that grabbed it on
a trip of its own. Could you, with complete, confidence, risk these things for a
simple train ride?
Well, common sense would state that such an action would mean you’ll get run
over by the train and probably die. This doesn’t take any kind of clairvoyance to
figure out, but with the way that people constantly get hit by their own
personal trains, you would think that nothing short of a fortune teller’s power’s
could provide insight on these problems.
Unfortunately, common sense is oftentimes not really all that common at all. As
a matter of fact, it may actually be more accurate to state that common sense is
truly one of the most rarely possessed and seldom-applied skills in the world.
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Now that doesn’t really make sense, right? Shouldn't common sense, by the
simplest definition, be something that doesn't even require concentration or
thought? Shouldn’t we pretty much always, if we take even a second to think
about things even lightly, know what things are the best and worst for us to do?
Don’t we have a solid idea of where we stand and what’s possible to do from
where we stand?
We'd like to believe so, but in the meantime, lots of people are spending time
with their arms out in front if virtual speeding trains. They have every signal
they need to draw the conclusion of "don't", and nevertheless, they DO.
You’d think that this was absolutely preposterous until the time came that you
yourself did something similar. Like it or not, we have all once been put into a
situation in which we find ourselves facing the brunt of consequences that
should have, for all intents and purposes, been very easily avoided.
Why are we using this particular metaphor with the speeding train, though?
What is it about a speeding train that can give us so much insight into the
human condition?
We're using this metaphor because most people follow this approach in
attempting to get their ex back.
You’re probably wondering, ‘what does a speeding train, after all, have to do
with the complexities of a broken relationship?’
This extreme disregard for common sense is entirely nonexclusive to the
genders, so both men and women alike are prone to put themselves in this
unfortunate sort of situation. No matter whether or not you’ve got a Y-
chromosome, you’re born with an uncanny ability to make some insanely bad
decisions for no particularly great reasons.
The media likes to paint a picture where they male is always the one who is
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desperately attempting to get a female back, but understand, it is completely
capable of going the other way around. There are many women out there who
struggle with the same cycle that’s been popularized as the plight of the love-
spurned male, investing all of the wrong energy into the wrong kind of person.
The fact that this phenomenon is not gender exclusive means that what we're
dealing with is a human error, not a male or female quirk. The fact that this is a
human error means that, while it is certain regrettable, it isn’t something that
many of us have a great deal of control over. At some point or another, we’ll be
faced with an issue that we inadvertently make worse with an attempt at a
solution.
The bottom line is this: you're not going to get anywhere by taking utterly
impossible chances. An impossible chance, truthfully, isn’t actually a chance at
all. Even an astronomical chance is a wiser course of action than an impossible
chance.
Here is what I mean - whether you're a woman or a man, when your ex is in
avoidance mode running like a speeding train in the other direction, just merely
attempting to stop them, pressure them or convince them will only get you run
over.
You cannot stop this train by standing in front of it; its movement is powered by
things that are far faster, older and stronger than you are as an individual
human being.
So how does one get on a speeding train? How do you successfully emerge
from an impossible situation as the victor?
Whatever you do, don’t commit all of your waking hours to attempts at stopping
speeding trains with your bare hands. You won’t do yourself any favors by
setting yourself up to fail. You can definitely hit a ride on the train, but just how
on Earth do you figure you’ll pull it off?
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The answer, understandably so, is to avoid throwing yourself into an impossible
situation on the very first place. The only way to solve an impossible problem is
to put yourself in a position where the problem does not actually exist.
You have to approach the particular factor that creates the notion of
impossibility, the train's speed, and turn it into a non-factor. It might seem
slightly self-explanatory, but you’d be surprised at how many people are prone
to get this completely wrong.
Even though it may sound like it would take some kind of immense superhuman
effort, in reality, it's as simple as doing LESS instead of electing to do MORE. You
can hitch your ride on the speeding train by first letting the train slow down.
You'll simply wait until the train has become slow enough for you to run or walk
alongside it, and when the moment is right, you'll jump and have no problem at
all taking the ride without any risk of injury or fatality.
It's a simple solution, but at the same time, a daunting prospect for many
people who are still developing the power of patience. For better or worse,
many people are wired to fix all of their issues as swiftly and proactively as
possible. While this constant call to action can definitely be productive in the
right doses, at the wrong times, it can be highly counterproductive.
There's nothing wrong with the concept of taking initiative, of course, but
you've still got to take care to control for the fact that intuitive is not always the
end-all be-all answer. You have to let nature take its course. If the speed doesn't
dwindle at a pace that immediately satisfies you, then it may be a sign that it's
not yet quite time for you to hitch your ride.
Most people struggle to let it slow down because they fear that if they don’t do
something to stop it, they will miss it completely and never see it again. You
wouldn’t be too off-base to say that this way of thought it a little bit paranoid.
The sense of urgency can be incredibly hard to shake off. It may seem strange,
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but in reality, some people fear the concept of doing nothing in hindsight even
more than the possibility of doing something wrong that actually worsens the
situation.
Similarly, when people see their ex running in the opposite direction, they can’t
help but give in to that crazy internal impulse to do something about it. Well,
you can’t stop your ex by pushing them into liking you again, you first need to
calm their already intense negative emotions towards you.
In a way, you could say that is a way to remotely activate the emergency brakes
on the train and bring it to a screeching halt on the tracks. The negative
emotions that you ex feels towards you can’t just be written out of reality, but
like all feelings, they can be lessened and overwritten by positive emotions
instead.
It would be fantastic if you could make your ex completely forget about the
reality of the situation, but in reality, the best that you can hope for is a gradual
and tactful reduction.
A person that that attempts to force his ex to abandon their stance towards
them, instead of waiting until the opportune moment, is standing in front of the
train with their arms wide open. They are not only doing something that’s
entirely illogical, but they’re also making themselves extraordinarily vulnerable
in the process.
When your ex is filled to the brim with venom towards you, and you exacerbate
that by being insensitive and tactless, you don’t do yourself any favors by putting
yourself in a position to being forcibly rejected; unfortunately, that’s just exactly
what many people are entirely prone to do.
When this happens, they’re forced to quickly confront the reality that they’ve
made a mistake. In some of the more extreme scenarios, an ex will fully take
advantage of the gesture in order to embarrass you for trying something
without thinking about it first.
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If the breakup was your fault in any way, then you won’t even have the slightest
alibi to vindicate you. You will have completely made the bed that you will be
lying in, and there won’t be a soul around to point the finger towards besides
yourself for being careless.
Though these consequences may seem extraordinarily dire, it’s nothing that you
can’t handle without a slight adjustment in your approach. All that you have to
do is open your eyes to the exact position that you and your ex are in, in terms
of communication and bitterness.
Many people possess all the right tools to save their relationship if they need to,
but unfortunately, they don’t have the right sense of context to properly gauge
just when and where are the best times and places to go about using those tools
in the first place. It’s not only a measure of what your approach is; it’s a measure
of when and where your approach is as well.
Think of it in terms of a balancing scale; when it’s tipped in your direction, you
have power, but when it’s tipped in the opposite direction, you’re at a serious
disadvantage. The scale fluctuates in weight distribution every now and then, so
that means that you’ve got both good and bad times to make a move.
Your only job then, clearly, is to ensure that your best moves are made at the
best times. The only way to really be aware of the best time to do what you
have to do is to know where it is that you actually start.
When you know where you start, you can properly identify whether or not your
starting position is negative or not. The negative starting point is not a
permanent fixture, but if you try to make a move that doesn’t take this into
consideration, you might risk tipping the scale out of your favor forever.
Because the objective is only to get the scale tipped more into your favor than
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out of your favor, it doesn’t have to be tipped all the way into your favor in
order to establish a positive starting point.
In short, you need to bring it to a neutral position where they’ve slowed down
enough for you to initiate contact once again. As long as you’re not in a position
that that puts you more at a disadvantage than an advantage, you’ve got
yourself a good place to start working on picking up the pieces.
Let’s envision the metaphor of the train once again. The train doesn’t have to
literally scoop you up and place you into as seat in order to get yourself a ride,
but if it’s standing completely still, you’ve still got a perfect position to get
inside and get settled.
Remember, there was once a period of time in which you and your ex didn’t
know one another at all. Every relationship that starts, no matter who the
people are or what they go through, starts from a neutral position; this
illustrates the simple fact that a neutral position has the potential to become a
great one, and because you and your ex have already been together once,
you’re operating based on proven evidence and not just conjecture.
However, let’s not jump the gun and get too ahead of ourselves yet as in the
coming chapters you’ll discover exactly what you must do to make it happen.
You’re going to learn how to get yourself and your relationship back into
fighting form, no matter what may have happened or why.
However, the confusing part is figuring out exactly how fast your ex is running in
the opposite direction. In other words, it’s important to determine where you
currently stand with your ex before you attempt to implement any solutions to
get them back. You can very well be aware of the fact that your ex is running
away, but by knowing the speed, you can gauge the pace that you should move
at in order to solve the situation.
You see, this is not only the most important part of the whole puzzle, but it’s
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also the most crucial element determining whether you’ll succeed or fail.
Even though it may be a matter of critical timing and tricky to pin down, you’ll
learn to get a real sense for it without having to try too hard. In the future,
you’ll be able to understand your accurate position in all of your personal
relationships. You’ll become far more adept at handling tumultuous situations
with everybody in your inner circle, not just your significant other, when you’re
able to master these techniques.
I had a client once who had done almost everything in his power to get his ex
back, however, it seemed like everything he did was pushing his ex further and
further away from him.
He was using resources that a lot of men don’t even bother to discover in the
first place. He had as much energy and purpose as anybody should have when
they want to work at fixing a relationship, but he just didn’t have the ability to
properly judge context.
On very deep research on exactly what he was doing, I made a startling
discovery. To explain it in the best possible way, let’s say that you have a tumor
in your head which is causing you consistent headaches, however, you keep on
taking standard headache medication thinking that it will be enough to cure it.
Many people do something similar when trying to get their ex back. They
attempt or do things which are usually too mild or not enough to solve a certain
situation. They try to solve a very extreme breakup situation using very mild or
basic efforts.
So the key is to first diagnose the exact disease and then use appropriate means
to cure it. But how do you diagnose your current situation with your ex?
I basically categorize each breakup in 3 basic stages. These stages are - Mild,
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Intense and Extreme.
Stage 1 (Mild Stage) – If you are in this stage, then it basically means that you
won’t require too much of an effort to get your ex back. This also means that
your chances of getting them back are pretty good.
Indicators –
-They still initiate some conversations on a semi-frequent basis.
-They don’t decline speaking with your or meeting up with you without
planning.
-They don’t seem to be spending time with any other members of the opposite
sex besides you.
With this state of affairs, it would be appropriate to say that you and your ex
are, for all intents and purposes, still as together as you can be while technically
not together anymore.
Even though you’ve already gone and done the whole song and dance of
splitting up, based on all of the signs you’re faced with, the breakup truly does
not polarize the two of you as much as one would probably expect it to have.
Your situation will be categorized as stage 1 if you have recently broken up and
your breakup wasn’t caused by something major. It could be reasons as mild as
not getting along, loss of attraction, boredom etc.
Even though a breakup because of these reasons is certainly anything bus
desirable, it signifies that the breakup wasn’t as destructive as it possibly could
have been. There was no extreme, lasting, irreversible damage done to anybody
that can’t ever be forgiven. In this situation, you still have the leverage to make
things right at your own pace.
At the Stage 1 Level, you haven’t yet reached a place in which it’s unreasonable
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to consider a chance at patching things up. Most everyday relationship
problems can create a situation that develops into a Stage 1 situation.
Most decent-strength relationships can easily survive a Stage 1 occurrence, but
nevertheless, they are still tumultuous all the same. A breakup that occurs on a
Stage 1 level usually isn’t all that severe enough to really be qualified as a
‘breakup’ at all, though it will assuredly test the security of the bond.
Accessibility & responsiveness factor –
Accessibility is another important indicator; it will give you the best idea on how
accessible and responsive your ex is towards your advances.
In stage 1, your ex won’t completely break off all contact with you and will still
remain in touch. In this stage, the ‘break’ refers more to a literal lapse in time
than a legitimate ‘breaking off’ between you and your ex as a committed
couple. The break may be jarring and discomforting, but when it’s at such a light
degree, chances are that it isn’t going to be permanent.
The fact that they are still choosing to maintain contact with you shows that
there are still parts of your company that they don’t detest. They’ll still talk to
you every once in a while, and they won’t shut you down completely because
the level of negativity between you and them isn’t as intense.
Depending on just how expressive they may happen to be as people, they may
actually even happen to drop overt hints about just how ready they are to
resume having a normal relationship with you.
When they’re responsive to you, even after the two of you have established
that you’re temporarily not a thing, then it reveals they’re not one hundred
percent for the break; few people rarely are unless the break is in response to
something utterly awful.
As a matter of fact, their choice to continue associating you illustrates the fact
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that they are actually more moved by the parts of you that are pleasant to be
around than the parts of you that initially drove them away. The negative
aspects may have momentarily brushed them aside, but in the meanwhile, they
are more than willing to re-engage; in a way, all that this really signifies is that
they need some time for the ripples of negative energy to subside before getting
back into things.
Level of hope –
One final element which will give you the best indication is the level of hope
you currently feel around your ex.
So ask yourself this question – On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 means absolutely
no hope and 10 means absolute certainty that you’ll get them back, where you
do feel you currently stand?
The first number that comes to your mind is very likely the truest number. You
may be able to think of all kinds of justifications for higher ratings than the one
you immediately come up with, but on a subconscious level, you know full and
well what the reality of your situation is.
Nine times out of ten, it is far more difficult to make peace with the truth about
your chances with your ex than it is to simply know the truth of how things are
between you and your ex.
If you feel that your chances of getting your ex back sit around 7 to 10, then
your situation is what we’d call as Stage 1.
Stage 2 (Intense Stage) – This is the stage where the reason for your breakup
was somewhat major.
Indicators –
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-She doesn’t return your calls or initiate any contact with you for about 7-10
days.
- Physical closeness is almost completely eliminated, if it even occurs at all.
– Changes her relationship status on social media websites.
–
Unlike Stage 1, Stage 2 is a clear sign that things between the two of you are no
more, for the time being. Something has happened that is far more than a
casual disagreement or a slight bout of negative energy. The two of your are not
sort of broken up; you’re broken up, cut and clear.
The reasons could including constant lying to each other, nagging, forcing your
partner to change (not accepting them the way they are), constant fights etc.It
may not be for a reason that’s extremely and unbelievably awful, but at the
same time, the reason is solid.
When something like this happens, then there’s generally not a great deal of
ambiguity surrounding the nature of your separation. You’ll be fully aware of
the reason why the breakup has occurred; it won’t be because of something
that was super subtle or hard to notice, and it won’t be because of something
extreme that completely blindsided you.
At this stage, your ex will be somewhat accessible, however, they won’t be too
responsive. Your situation is at this stage when you have to work really hard to
get your ex’s attention and they’re basically wishy-washy about you.
Your ex isn’t going to completely kick you to the curb, but at the same time, you
shouldn’t expect that they’ll be waiting next to the phone for your next attempt
at talking to them. In this situation, you’ve got to deal with the fact that your ex
has likely demoted you to the status of an acquaintance or a friend.
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Level of hope –
Your level of hope would basically sit at around 4 to 6 on the scale. The breakup
isn’t exactly extreme enough that you have to swear off of hoping that they ever
even look you in the eye again, but at the same time, it’s a safe bet that you
don’t have an incredible chance.
Stage 3 (Extreme Stage) – You will be at this stage when things really got out of
hand for you and there was cheating or abuse involved in the relationship. At
the extreme stage, chances are that you’ve incurred a situation where there is
no mistaking who or what was responsible for the break. This is the absolute
worst-case scenario; the stuff that nightmares are made of.
Indicators –
-Their friends and family have cut off all contact with you.
-They have blocked or deleted you on all of their different forms of social
media.
- They are openly dating or having sex with other people.
-The only things that they really say to you are related to her not wanting to
speak or be with you anymore.
Reasons could include that you cheated on your partner (once or multiple
times). Maybe there was some sort of abuse involves (Mental or physical) and
basically there is no level of trust between the two of you.
Your ex has clearly told you that they never want to see you again and want you
out of their life completely. At this stage, they basically blame you for
everything and to a certain degree you do understand that it might have been
your fault.
If your ex isn’t cursing your name, then they’re trying their best to completely
avoid the fact that you’re alive in the first place. There’s no hot and cold in this
equation; your ex absolutely wants to see you ended, and if that can’t be
44

managed, they’ll never want to see you again.
Level of hope –
Your level of hope would basically sit at around 1 to 3 on the scale.
Note: 1 to 3 STILL isn’t zero. The chances are astronomically low, due to the
astronomical degree of how badly you’ll have to have messed up in order to get
here. It may seem utterly improbable to consider, but in truth, your boat really
isn’t sunk just yet. If you can just sum up all of the grit you need to drive
through the immense challenges, you can very well escape from this destitute
status and move closer to having a legitimate sense of closeness with your ex.
Keep in mind, it is not going to be easy and it’s not at all guaranteed to be fun.
You’re going to have to come face to face with more than one nasty truth in the
process of getting through this state. Your hope to recover a better sense of
closeness with your ex is very possible, but before you can do that, you’ve got to
prepare for the very real possibility of setbacks.
Once an ex has reached this level with you, you’ve got to prepare for them to
attempt matching your attempts to reconnect with them with an equal amount
of resistance and grief. Your hope for getting through the quagmire of a Stage 3
breakup is based entirely on just how much you’re willing to risk for the sake of
seeing it through.
If the very chance of a recovery is more important to you than the likelihood
that it won’t, then Stage 3 shouldn’t daunt you too much.
Should you choose to follow through on this daunting journey, I’ve prepared
some techniques here to hopefully tip the high odds more in your favor. If you
think you’ve got what it takes to cut through the fat and get to what you want,
then you’ll be pleased by what I’ve got to offer you here.
45

Now before I get into the techniques and solutions, it’s really important that
you first figure out exactly where you currently sit with your ex. It’s really
important that you know which stage you’re at because a solution which will
work for stage one might completely fail if you’re at stage 3.
Without understanding just what stage you’re in when it comes to these
techniques, you are flying completely blind. A proper dance requires excellent
footing, martial arts require a great stance, and reestablishing closeness with
your ex requires the right frame of mind.
Without knowing what stage you’re actually in, it’s like you’re trying to dance
without a floor to stand on. You’d basically be going into a martial arts battle
prepared for both of your legs to get broken. Follow my techniques, and those
super-unfortunate scenarios will not become your reality.
Therefore, before moving on, take a realistic -analysis of your situation and
figure out where you currently stand with your ex. Once you’ve done that, then
you may move on to the next chapter.
46

Chapter 3- The Great Wall Of Defense
Do you know the biggest, single most difficult obstacle you’ll have to face when
getting your ex back? It’s not the friends of your ex. It’s not even the physical
distance that likely separates you and your ex from one another. Believe it or
not, the single most difficult obstacle that lies between you and getting your ex
back is actually going to be something you may have never even consciously
expected.
This extremely formidable obstacle is what we like to call “The Great Wall of
Defense”. I know it probably sounds like something you’ve never heard before,
but I’ve coined this term for a good reason.
Believe me, this obstacle really is just as tough to defeat as it sounds. It best
describes the most important roadblock you must go through if you ever want
to have your ex back.
Often, when you’re going through the intense pains and heartache that
accompanies a breakup, you often forget the state of mind your ex is in. In fact,
when our pain is too overbearing, we often zone everything out and our
primary motive becomes to soothe that pain using any means possible.
This is why it’s often common for people to go out of their comfort zone and do
things that they’ve never done before. It’s common for people to beg, plead,
convince, and persuade their ex to give them another shot.
However, they often forget the most important element in the whole puzzle, and
that is the mindset of their ex. You’d think that most people would consider
their ex’s mindset FIRST when it comes to thinking of ways that they could
possibly get that person back, but unfortunately, most people tend to entirely
overlook it.
I once knew a girl who went through a harsh breakup with her guy while he was
47

overseas; and when I say she tried just about everything to get him back, I really
do mean just about everything. Gifts, phone calls, friends and family, seduction,
you name it.
The important thing to realize here, however, is the reason why I said “just
about” everything instead of just saying “everything”.
The one thing that she never actually bothered to do was to focus on the single
most important factor of all; the mindset of her ex boyfriend. She expended all
of her energy on taking care of every minor obstacle except for the king of all
obstacles, the Great Wall of Defense.
For all of the great things she tried to do to win her ex back over, she never even
once stopped to consider just what the reason might have been for him to act in
the way that he did. She never put herself in his mindset, and due to that, she
was doomed to fail from the very beginning.
Do you really know what the biggest driving force behind our actions is? We’ve
already talked about the primal brain in some of the previous chapters, and
we’ve also discussed that our primal brain controls our actions based on the
pleasure and pain principle.
We know, by now, that the primal brain is something that’s much easier to
control than it is to overrule. The primal brain lays the foundation for the
conscious and civilized brain to make its enlightened decisions, and due to that,
all that we say and do is at least indirectly related to the primal brain’s desires
(or the need to get a hold on its desires).
The primal brain knows what it wants and doesn’t know how to say “no”. When
we refuse to do something, it’s only a refusal of that part of us in our heads that
actually wants to do it very badly. If it’s pleasant, the primal brain wants it. If it’s
unpleasant, the primal brain hates it and is wired to make us either flee from it
or fight against it. Before we even know our own names, our actions are dictated
by the will of the primal brain’s uncontrollable impulses.
48

However, there is something that can almost be considered to have a level of
power comparable to the primal brain’s command.
There is another big element which determines our actions and that is our –
“Belief System”. Nothing can eliminate the force of the primal brain in its
entirety, but if we’re conditioned enough, certain beliefs we have can hold a
power over us that’s almost comparable to the primal brain’s ever-beckoning
call.
When we believe something beyond reasonable doubt, it becomes just like a
law of nature. Religion is a prime example. No matter what your perspective on
spirituality may be, you cannot deny the fact that people’s personal convictions
are strong enough to affect them in the same ways as an otherworldly force
supposedly would.
The primary driving force behind our belief system is the element called
“Certainty”. Whatever we’re certain about forms our belief system.
It isn’t hard at all to draw the parallels between the belief system and the
primal brain’s cognition. Just as the primal brain requires no moral or logical
validation to determine that its desires are absolute and necessary, the belief
system requires no physical validation to determine that something is true.
“Desire” is the default principle of the primal brain, and “certainty” is the
default principle of the belief system; both of these things are connected by the
concept of immediate, unthinking acceptance.
For example, for a very long time people believed that planet earth was flat and
it was an active part of their belief system until later on research proved with
evidence that our planet was in fact round. At that point, our belief shifted and
we all started to believe that our world was round.
49

It took thousands of years of hard research for mankind to reach a consensus
on the world’s spherical shape, but before that, people needed absolutely no
proof at all to claim the complete opposite with absolute certainty.
What does this have to do with anything, though? Well, when you apply this to
a relationship situation, you see very quickly how relevant it truly is. When the
belief is in play, nothing short of a complete and objective representation of the
opposite truth will be enough to convince the belief system of otherwise.
At the beginning of your relationship, when things were great, your behavior
around your partner made them develop a belief system about you. When the
belief system accompanies the hormonal charge of romantic and physical
attraction, it becomes extremely powerful.
Why is love considered to be so strong and ‘blind’, as they put it? It’s because
the belief system and the primal brain are working in an extremely tight tag
team when ‘love’ is being fully experienced.
The belief system draws a person to establish complete and ineffable truths
about the one that they’re involved with, even if their common sense gives
them certain red flags that should convince them otherwise. Not only is the
belief system in overdrive, but the primal brain is fortifying the belief system
with its physical desire and protectiveness.
Our minds are always trying to read patterns in other people; that’s how we
basically form judgments about them. No matter who you are or what you do,
you are always forming a collective blueprint of the people around you based
on how you interpret all of the different things that they do and say.
You are constantly mapping out the framework of people around you in order to
more easily process social information. When you’ve been processing social
information for a long enough time, there are certain things you learn to expect
and add to your belief system. Friends, families, celebrities, enemies, and even
your partner are all constantly subject to your automatic people processing
50

drive.
This is just as true for everyone else in regards to you, as it is for you in regards
to everyone else. For as long as you’ve been interacting with people in general,
they’ve been slowly forming a framework related to exactly what kind of person
you are and how the should receive you.
They may not even be completely aware of the fact that they’re doing it, but
make no mistake, it’s been happening subconsciously.
The primal brain activates it, and the belief system consolidates it. It’s an easily
understood one-two punch combo that moves to the beat of all of our
experiences and interactions throughout our entire lives.
So your partner, throughout the whole time you’ve known him or her, developed
a basic idea about you based on your actions around them. Your partner has
come to a point at which they’ve got certain reservations about you and the
kind of person you are, so finely rooted into their belief system that it would
take something extremely world-rocking to alter their perspective.
They believe in certain qualities about you and who you are on the same level
that a lot of people believe in things like air and water. They are confident in
their mind’s projection of who you are, and you’ve helped them reach that
point over time in some way or another.
Your partner’s belief in the kind of person that they believed you were was more
than just their belief; it was apart of the entire makeup of the world that they
lived in. They woke up and went to sleep, for many mornings and nights,
confused by a lot of things but certain in the consistency of the beliefs that they
had in you and who you are.
These beliefs are not the kinds of things that can just be born overnight, and
51

after a log enough period of time, they become like subterranean limestone.
They are marble pillars that hold up your partner’s stable sense of belief and
certainty in the few aspects of this chaotic world that can be bound to such
things.
Over time their mind saw predictable patterns in your behavior based on how
you talk, how you behave, what you like to eat, where you like to spend your
time, what you love to do the most, what you hate the most, what makes you
happy, what angers you etc.
Not only did they take these things on as their beliefs, but they most likely also
decided to adjusts their own behavior in accordance to the things that they
often saw exemplified in you yourself. Their certainty of the existence of your
different qualities may have instilled something in them that was able to inspire
or motivate them. They might have only just started tolerating or loving those
qualities once their belief system developed into a form that accommodated
you as apart of it.
To put it in the absolute simplest of terms, they just believed that they knew
you pretty well. They thought that they knew you to a degree that was
completely independent of things like doubt and consideration, and because of
that, they felt a certain kind of synchronization with you.
Have you ever heard people talking about a couple, and at one point, mention
that two people just have a “something” that works? That “something” isn’t
really as ambiguous as it sounds, but it really is just as powerful as it sounds.
The “something” is the couple’s chemistry, and the chemistry is born from a
belief system that has developed overtime from constant exposure and
validation of long-term beliefs.
In this state, you are absolutely in tune with your partner. It’s that stage when
both the partners know each other beyond just“pretty well”. You know each
other so well that you probably don’t even need to ask how they’re doing in
order to get a good idea of just how they’re feeling on any given day.
52

Your partner may almost even believe that they know you well enough to have
something like a psychic connection to you. This sensation of an extra-sensory
connection is the absolute zenith of the romantic belief system.
However, with time, as things got a little complicated between the two of you,
their old belief system about you started to shift a little.
I am sure you’ve heard of this statement in various Hollywood movies circling
around a breakup situation – “It feels like I don’t know you anymore.”
What do you think this basically means? It’s one person telling another that
everything I believed about you isn’t the same anymore. In short, one partner is
telling another that they don’t feel the same level of certainty about them
anymore.
Therefore, when a breakup happens, your partner’s belief system about you is
completely violated because it gets to a point where you aren’t predictable
enough for them anymore.
The belief system getting destroyed, when it happens between two people who
are fully immersed in their certainty in one another, is on the same level of an
entire world changing.
Understand this: the collective world may apply to everyone and go on
completely unaffected by one person’s dishonesty, but on an individual level,
there is a personal universe that’s formed by the presentation of beliefs and
experiences.
When something happens within a person’s world that completely shellshocks
their beliefs, it’s literally like their entire world has come crashing down around
them. Nothing around them has exploded or melted into the ground, and yet, it
would appear from their sad states that something even more unbelievable has
happened.
53

Our minds seek certainty, especially in our partner and when it doesn’t get it, it
makes us feel very uncomfortable. Your partner saw, in you, a kind of closeness
that was born from the security of their certainty.
They were able to draw a sense of consistency and reliability from your presence
that probably lessened their anxiety in times of stress or turmoil. They used
their belief system to turn you into a real sanctuary, strong and immovable
against the hectic changes occurring at just about every second of the day.
Therefore, to protect their own self interest and well-being, they erect
something called the great wall of defense; this great wall of defense is the
single biggest obstacle you’ll have to clear before your ex is even open to the
idea of getting back together with you.
You have to understand that a broken belief system is really not all that different
from a sore, bleeding wound; doctors have proven that heartbreak produces
sensations that aren’t all that far-removed from sensations of actual, physical
pain. In order to defend against this, you partner will have quickly built up a
massive wall of defense to guard a person wound within them that is equally
massive in size.
You see, you can never work against your ex’s belief system about you. If in the
past they trusted you, and now, that trust doesn’t exist anymore because of the
chain of events, then you simply can’t talk them back into trusting you again. If
you try to force them to trust you once again, it’s like you’re going up to them an
physically pealing back a healing scab or scar; they will resist you, scream at you,
and possibly even attack you if you go too far.
You can’t make their belief about you shift overnight by having a single
conversation. Their belief system about you, after all, wasn’t formed with a
single conversation. Their belief system about you was created after spending a
significant amount of time absorbing your entire identity, at a cellular level,
from absolutely nothing.
54

Considering this, it’s easy to see exactly why it takes even more time to
reestablish trust in a person than it does to build up that trust for the very first
time. When they first met you and grew attracted to you, their primal brain was
rooting for you. Now that you’ve hurt them, and you’ve become a MASSIVELY
unpleasant presence, their primal brain has learned to see you as a massive
threat.
I had a friend who was brutally dumped by his girlfriend because she didn’t like
the fact that he took her for granted. He would come back from work daily,
quickly jump on the couch and turn the TV on and would barely even notice the
existence of his girlfriend.
On the weekends, he was more concerned about spending time with his
buddies, rather than spending time with his girlfriend. Basically, they were
together, but it was more like he was in the relationship for his own self benefit
rather than his girlfriend.
Eventually she got tired of it and decided to break up. My friend kept on trying
to convince her over and over again that he was a changed man and he was
willing to do whatever it takes to get her back. However, the girl wasn’t ready to
move even an inch and was strictly fixed on her decision.
You see, my friend failed to realize that his ex had erected the great wall of
defense and failed to realize what his ex’s current belief system about him was.
He failed to realize that with time; his ex’s beliefs had shifted because of his
actions around her. She went from seeing him as someone she could trust,
respect and love to a person she wasn’t sure about because he kept taking her
for granted. He was only concerned about his own desires while ignoring hers.
His ex believed that since he had done such a thing repeatedly in the past, it
55

was almost impossible for him to change, due to which the only way she could
protect herself from getting hurt further was to erect this great wall of defense.
When the belief system is broken, it is rebuilt in a condition that adapts to
defend against the cause of its destruction. Within the shattered belief system,
another belief system develops that both consumes and disposes of the older
one.
You see, your efforts to get your ex back will go in vain if you don’t recognize
their current beliefs about you, and work with it rather than against it. I’ll show
you exactly how to do that in the coming chapters.
56

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