Rosaleen McElvaney Dublin City University

1. Parental experiences of children’s
sexual abuse disclosures
Rosaleen McElvaney
Dublin City University

2. Maternal/Parental support as
mediator
 Everson et al. (1989) support of non offending mothers in incest cases. Lack
of support associated with foster placement and higher psychopathology
 Gries et al. (2000) sample of children in foster care. Full support associated
with lower levels of depression
 Review of literature – (Elliott & Carnes, 2001)
 Most mothers supportive, some disbelieving
 Some of those supportive exhibit inconsistent and ambivalent responses
 Both parents experience significant distress
 Parental support associated with adjustment of children (also Swantston et al.,
2003)
 Some studies suggest that interventions with both parents and children lead to
better adjustment in both
 Young people’s level of satisfaction with support they receive is important:
reported less depression, better self-esteem (Rosenthal et al., 2003)

3. Impact on parents
 Serious psychological symptoms in mothers following
disclosure (Newberger et al., 1993)
 Secondary traumatisation (Manion et al. 1996)
 93 parents (63 mothers and 30 fathers)
 Mothers experienced greater overall emotional distress, poorer
family functioning, lower satisfaction in parenting role
 Fathers also greater overall emotional distress but better than
mothers
 Mothers’ satisfaction with parenting role and perceived level of
environment support predicted emotional functioning
 Reporting costs (Massat & Lundy, 1998) – relational, financial,
vocational and residential

4. Parents’ own history
 Impact of experiences of abuse on ability to parent
(Baker, 2001 )
 Clinical experience – overprotective, underprotective
 Peer support programmes (Alaggia et al., 1999)

5. Negative reactions to disclosure
 Abuse by non-family members (n=30) Hershkowitz et al.
(2007)
 Fewer than half first disclosed to parents
 Over 40% told following questioning
 50% felt ashamed or afraid of parents’ responses – parents did
tend to blame child or be angry
 Strong correlation between expected and actual reactions
 Relationship between maternal response – conveys protection
and support – and improved mental health and social
functioning. Non-abusive caregivers feeling marginalised by
child protection system (Lovett, 2004)

6. Impact on child before disclosure
 Schonbrucher et al. (2012) - main motivations for not
wanting to tell parents was lack of trust and not
wanting to burden parents
 McElvaney et al. (2014) – concern for parents
inhibited disclosure

7.  Part of larger grounded theory study involving
children, parents and adults who experienced
childhood sexual abuse
 14 parents (of children aged 3 to 18)
 3 couples (mother and father)
 1 father
 7 mothers
Sample

8. Abuse experiences
 First abusive experience
 Ranged from once off incident, to a few occasions to
experiences over months and over years
 Type of abuse
 Ranged from kissing (adult kissing child) to sexual
fondling to attempted penetrative abuse, digital
penetrative, anal/vaginal penetrative abuse, oral abuse
(cunnilingus & fellatio)

9. Abuse: intrafamilial and
extrafamilial
 All male
 Intrafamilial – brother, cousin, brother-in-law, sister’s
partner, non-resident father, mother’s partner,
grandparent
 Extrafamilial – neighbour, local teenager, caretaker

10. Supportive parents
 I knew my Mam and Dad was
there for me for everything an
I could turn around and tell
them anything I needed to tell
them but it is very hard to
turn around and tell your
Mam and Dad cos the two
people you know that it’s
gonna hurt most like cos
they’re the two people that
love you most so I don’t know
I found it very hard now to
tell me Mam and Dad I don’t
know about other people
(Maire, 16)
 M: I think what I done wrong was
I would have always told
(daughter) just tell me
everything and she did and I
think when it happened to her
and she didn’t tell me the first
time she felt she couldn’t tell me
cos she hadn’t told me
 R: It made it more difficult when
she hadn’t told immediately
 M: and it made it more difficult it
made it more difficult for her to
tell (Mother of Maire, 16)

11.  Believing
 Asking questions
 Containing the secret
 Family conflict
 Breaking the cycle of abuse
Thematic analysis

12.  Instinctive response – believing
 Instinctive response – this can’t be true
 Doubts
 Alliances
 When others don’t believe – extended family,
communities, gardai and state prosecution
Believing

13. It’s
unbelievable…
 Father didn’t believe it at
first “it wasn’t kindof
hitting home at all
…couldn’t comprehend
what I was after hearing”
(Father of Maire, 16).
 I don’t know how to tell you
this he said it’s the worst thing
that’s ever going to happen to
you … and it kinda went over
my head I kindof …I continued
on and came in and she was
sitting there I just put my arms
around her and said ‘are you
ok?’ I just started to open the
case and showed her what I
bought her (Mother of Maire,
16)

14.  He said to me ‘em Mammy (alleged abuser) touched
my bum’ and I was a bit I was a bit embarrassed at
first. He just said it out and there was a busload of
people and then I kinda just went .. ‘what are you
saying things like that for’, you know? ..I just said ‘well
maybe it was an accident when he was going to look
for you’. Like I was presuming this game what he was
describing like hide and seek …I just kinda I put it
down to an innocent thing that a child would do.
Not wanting to believe…
(mother, Seamus, 8)

15.  At the time so I was placing my head that it was a ten year
old that did this and that maybe it was an innocent thing as
in he was behind a door or under a bed or something and
he grabbed him and he put his hand on his bum and he
made C15 feel uncomfortable and that was why he told me.
 When her son told her the next day about a second
incident: First of all I was like I couldn’t believe like .. I was
freaking it in my head I was going ballistic but I was like
right I got him to say it again because I couldn’t believe the
first time .
Slowly coming to realise…

16.  She described telling her husband: “I had to tell
(father) ten times before it registered”
 And of course, people do not believe: “the father (of
the alleged abuser) actually collared me one day and
said children are always lying like at that age”
Others not believing…

17.  Being able to hear
 Noticing changes – or not
 Acting on information
 Asking child directly
Asking questions…

18.  something serious as that you can’t brush it aside like that so I sat down
and listened to him as a father like you know and em (wife) was listening
alright but at times she was saying I don’t want to hear anymore I don’t
want to hear anymore you know and I was kinda of getting annoyed as
well like you know because with me it was up to the two of us to deal
with it (Father of Liam, 14)
 with me it was the end of the world the whole world has caved in on me
… it was the worst thing that ever happened and it killed me really really
ate me up ..it woulda been better a death …for the first 8 months I
thought this was the worst thing that ever happened nothing worse
could ever happen now (Father of Maire, 16)
Being able to hear…

19.  I know from her school that her behaviour had changed a bit and
her work (Mother of Aine, 17)
 ..and her behaviour was just like gone off the wall altogether
…be home at a certain time total disregard for that and hanging
around with people that she hadn’t hung around with before
they were fine but they weren’t you know they weren’t really her
kinda people I felt they were there was a lot of despair around
them and you know em and negativity and yeah a lot of that she
was kindof associating with that you know and taking on a
certain amount of their ways of thinking and their behaviour and
you know all that kind of stuff that was as bad as it’s ever been
between (Mother of Blathnaid, 17) …
Noticing changes…

20.  various things had been happening up to then but we didn’t
.. because she was starting she was just coming into
teenage years …and we just thought went along with
teenage the changes and that but afterwards when we
looked back there was a lot of signs we just just thought it
was part of teenage you know because there was bits and
pieces started to happen in the school (Mother of Aine, 17)
 but funny if I was to think back what(he) was like after
around that time like (he) used to spend a lot of time in his
room on his own we used to be very concerned about it and
his Da used to say well he just likes his own space you know
he plays with his (M0ther of Sean, 16)
Putting it down to ‘being a teenager’

21. Noticing changes..or not
 I kept going up to babysit .. I’d be
sitting at home me Da’d be real like
I thought you had something to do
like and I’d be there aw I changed
me mind and then he’d be saying
aw you could’ve babysat for
(sister) and I’d be like aw I’m just
fed up an I think they kindof
copped on after a while you know
that it was getting a bit strange so
I couldn’t keep that up for a long
time obviously because I didn’t
want them getting suspicious
either but at the same time me
friends couldn’t understand why I
kept going up (Dympna, 16)
 they were actually in the bedroom so
called playing in the bedroom and me
and (wife) were actually in the kitchen..
And we were having a cuppa tea ..and I
just turned around and says look they’re
gone very quiet down in that room so I
went down to the room and I opened up
the door and when I opened the door I
got your man pulling up his zip and I
said it straight away something’s after
happening so with that I called (child)
out of the room asked (child) what
happened and he says don’t ask me ..the
minute I brought (child) actually into
the bathroom and asked C11 what
actually happened (child) came out and
said … (Mother of Liam, 14)

22. Noticing…
 me Ma was just like trying
to get more information
out of me but I wouldn’t
give it to her …Coz she just
knew by..me.. the way I
was acting that there was
something wrong…I was
real quiet and aw like I felt
real depressed and me Ma
knows when I feel
depressed coz I dunno
what it is probably a vibe
she gets off me (Rianach,
15)
 when we took her home from
the hospital and then it all
started coming out she told me
the whole lot ..so she came
home...I .never.. I didn’t even
suspect anything had gone on
with her… but she kept distant
from me.. and I thought it was
all because she wanted to
spend all day with her friend..
in town, so I was after getting
(child) on the phone and I said
look … I dunno what’s wrong
so she said Ma I’ll be home so
she came home and she told me
(Mother of Rianach, 15)

23.  I had seen a change in even a few months before this happened that suddenly
it was like you know when the phone rang she was heading off with the
phone … there was a lot more hiding you know and that was very new in our
house … that was strange and I was …what is she doing what is she getting
up to that she can’t be open about it anymore …I knew she was drinking I
wasn’t happy about it but I knew she was doing it and we had kinda come we
had come to an arrangement that she’d kinda abuse from time to time …she
was having people around all of the time so that you know we weren’t
getting any time like to chat em it was constantly you know a need for
someone to sleep over just keeping herself you know a little bit removed and
distant
 the fact that we weren’t getting on at the time terribly well…just going
through a rebellious phase …it was just we were constantly you know
(Mother of Blathnaid, 17)
Noticing…

24.  I showed her the letter I says (child) I says cleaning out your room
and I found this she looked at me and her face just dropped and I was
so I went is it true? And she went ‘I’m sorry Mam’ she said ‘I was
going to tell you when I was older’ she said ‘I thought you loved him
and you wanted him back’ …’we had no money (siblings) were
asking for him all day and all night and they were crying every day
for him and I just felt like it was the right thing to do’ and I says ‘no’ I
said ‘you can’t do it for those reasons’ I said ‘he’s done something
wrong’ I says ‘he has to go’ I said ‘I can’t love a man that has done
something like this’ an I said ‘if you’d a told me when you were 18 or
19 and I know I’m after being in a room with this man knowing he’s
after doing that’ I said ‘that just’ I said it’s sickening I said you know
I’m glad I found out now (Mother of Caitlin, 14)
Acting on information…

25.  I eh actually asked them like em was there anything
going on with your father I mean just that when he
took them for the weekend …it got to the stage that I
didn’t want the children near him because he was
smoking hash and god knows what else he was doing
and I didn’t want the children around him (Father of
Padraig, 13)
Asking direct question

26.  Mother’s conversation with child’s grandfather:
 And he says you know it’s not right if people knows
because they might victimise her … you don’t want
people to think less of her. That’s my Dad who really
cares about her. That’s what he thinks. People would
think less of C10 because that happened to her”
(Mother of Roisin, 15).
Containing the secret

27.  so we went the three of us and …he was really sick about the
whole thing and I was kinda hoping that the truth would
come out ..I went in to the place in with them and she was left
outside with him when I think of it then she and I were in
together and then I think they explained that they can talk to
her then I left her I went out to him and they talked to her and
then they brought me in and said they had no more questions
and then I got a letter a few days later to say there wouldn’t
be any more investigation..which really bothered me .. but I
didn’t wanna go to C10 and say why didn’t you say cos she I
just felt she wasn’t ready to hear all that …and I said C10 why
didn’t you ever tell what happened she said Mam I couldn’t I
was afraid he was there it was horrible I couldn’t (M10)
Containing the secret

28. Containing the secret
 I’m staying awake every night trying to watch that he
doesn’t go into them and (social worker) just wasn’t there
for me no-one was there for me …(social worker) came up
and told (him) that he had to leave and he was giving him
til the weekend to leave now …I can’t get him out on my
own and I couldn’t say this in front of (him) because then
(he) would go oh you believe (child) and he’ll become
violent with me. The thing about it is (he) had two guns in
this house, he had two hunting guns and I’m terrified
(Mother of Caitlin, 14)

29.  Fear of retaliation (mother not sharing with
extended family)
 Fear of other children knowing (telling child not to
tell other children in school)
Containing…to protect

30.  I think he was incredibly controlling .. he was very
aggressive but he was silently controlling …I think was
really vicious of him was I think she mentioned to me that
one time he said to her if you tell I’ll know I’ll just know
 his presence was enough to scare the living daylights out of
you
 I think maybe she was afraid that em it would hurt me, hurt
my family I’m not sure because he always .. he always went
further you know .. he would get the weakness in you ..my
friends my family I think maybe she thought he would hurt
me she wouldn’t tell (Mother of Cara, 15)
Fear of family fallout…

31. Family fallout
 I think what makes it hard for
children to tell is upset the
family unit and em I think
there’s a burden on them for
that …I think that’s very hard
cos things will change … I
believe it’s harder if it’s within
the immediate family
…because of that burden I
think it’s much easier if it’s
outside the family because
you have the solidarity of the
family when it’s a stranger
(Father of Caitlin, 14)
 M: I think what happened
her was …she was afraid
that if she said something
that she was adding to the
problems and they had
only got back together
they had split up and they
had only got back together
…when this happened and
she was afraid then that
she’d break them up again
 I haven’t seen her
(daughter) since (Mother
of Maire, 16)

32. Positive consequence…
 when I found out then what had actually happened to
her it was a little bit easier ..some understanding of
why she had behaved in the way she had and at least
we had something to work on then (Mother of
Blathnaid, 17)

33.  Parents who were abused themselves no more likely
to ask their children
 Shocked reactions: how could this happen to my
child?
 Mother and Father getting help for both their
children – brother abused sister; both parents
abused as children
Breaking the cycle of abuse

34.  I was abused myself as a child so I know how it is for him…I just
told my Mam 8 years ago and I’m 42. She was really upset.
(Mother of Liam, 13)
 when there’s somebody older telling you they’re gonna kill you
and you’re 6 years of age I mean that’s a big thing for a child to
be told so you suffer in silence you know I can understand why he
didn’t but I couldn’t understand why he waited so long do you
know what I mean to come out with it I mean we’re living out
here 6 years he could’ve approached his Da or I at any time but I
suppose it’s like Pandora’s box put it away and thought it’d never
come back to haunt you (M0ther of Sean, 16)
Parental history of abuse

35. Challenges for parents
 Noticing…and knowing when and what to ask…
 Relationship: negotiating dependence and independence
 Partner as abuser
 What does this say about me?
 Sibling abuse
 Love for both children
 Psychological impact on parents