1. DiaryofaëGoTíaddict
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I
THETIMEBEFORERECKONING
You never thought it would happen to someone
as worldly wise (read: lazy and sarky) as you.
It might, as Huey Lewis always assured us, be
hip to be square these days, but isnít ëGame
of Thronesí the preserve of block-quoting
nerds in egg-stained ëRed Dwarfí T-shirts and
earnest girls with henna tattoos? Weíre none
of us strangers to the box-set/Netflix-dump/
dodgy download, but whereas ëThe Sopranosí
was cask-aged in gushing claret and ëfamilyí
values, and ëThe Wireí made us feel all ëwordí
and ëstreetí and ëlegití, surely ëGoTí is just an
excuse for Brit thesps to mess around with the
ëLord of the Ringsí dressing-up box. And yet.
And yetÖ Youíve heard rumours that thereís
the occasional flash of skin and that someone
is graphically deprived of a limb/head/
codpiece/loved one every ten minutes. So it
is that you find yourself happening across a
random episode while flicking around during
an ad break in ëFamily Guyí. Maybe just give
it five minutes. Canít hurt, can it?
II
ASONGOFVICEANDIRE
Itís three weeks later. Youíve steadily caught up on
all the precious episodes you have missed. You find
yourself in increasingly animated debate over Friday-
night drinks with colleagues youíve never really bothered
with before. The depth of knowledge exhibited by your
fellow Throneheads (your term) makes you realise how
little of the Seven Kingdoms you have explored. Thereís
nothing else for it. You need to learn more. This means
reading the big, thick source novels. Which means
reading. Crikey. Yet this is the path you have chosen.
George RR Martinís original books may be staggering in
both imagination and scope, but they are also stodgier
than mammoth pie in places. Long chapters are filled
with aimless trudging about or dream sequences. Dream
sequences, for fuckís sake! Yet you plough through them.
Then, one day, you find yourself pricing up a full-size
replica of Sean Beanís sword on the Forbidden Planet
website. If anyone were to walk in on you right now youíd
prefer to tell them that you were surfing mammy-ramming
porn than what youíre actually looking at. But itís still a
fad, thatís all. A craze. Itíll soon be out of your systemÖ
GAME OF THRONES SPECIAL
Youíve done the box-set bingeing, but itís all cool, right? Wrong! ëGames of Thronesí is,
as doctors say, ëstickyí, and itís easy to slide from casual fan to hopeless dependant.
Adam Lee Davies charts the seven stages of addiction. Illustrations David Ziggy Greene
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2. 34 Read more reviews and listings and book tickets at timeout.com/london
IV
BEARDS,BARRELSANDBELLIES
You eventually go for a little tattoo of the
Targaryen crest on your ankle, but what does
the rest of your general lifestyle say about your
devotion to the cause? If an Englishmanís
home is his castle, then itís time to hoist
the nutty flag and string some bunting from
your mental buttresses. You look into the
legal ramifications of renaming your house
Winterfell. You grow a beard (ladies, youíre just
going to have to do your best here), burn all
your Ikea crap on a pyre on the front lawn, fill
your home with animal hides, church candles,
barrels and hang billowing muslin drapes in
your uPVC conservatory. You now eat only pies,
which you call ëpieí. You also call beer ëaleí and
have your own pewter tankard behind the bar
of your local. Neighbourhood children have
made up a song about you and former drinking
partners fall into a respectful hush every time
you enter the pub. Such is the price of majesty.
III
ACATOFADIFFERENTCOAT
While the ëfadí passes, you might occupy your time by picking out a House with which to ally
yourself. In real life you are a blurry whirl of showbiz gossip, sweaty ípits and wanky little
coffees, but the high tables of Westeros offer you a chance to better yourself. A bit. Do you
perhaps fancy yourself as a Stark or a Lannister? A grimly heroic, flinty-eyed martyr or a
golden-haired, glory-shitting warmonger? You opt for neither and instead settle on House
Targaryen. Now everything from your hand towels to your Oyster Card wallet has a dragon on
it and it is here that we meet the pointy end of fandom: to tattoo or not to tattoo? Maybe just
a little one, yeah? On the shoulder blade where you got the dolphin or that Chinese symbol
forÖ somethingÖ back in the í90s. Youíre skipping engagements, letting your friends down
and neglecting work. Youíre in trouble, friend, but going back doesnít seem to be an option.
V
SEX&VIOLENCE
It isnít just your appetite for pie, ale and sheepskin that has increased. Youíve stopped going
to badminton and enrolled instead in a six-week fencing class at the local leisure centre. Itís
hardly broadswords at dawn, but itís a start. Youíre the oldest person there by some margin and
one of your classmatesí mums has already given you a telling off for calling her daughter a ëvile
strumpetí in the heat of battle. By the end of the course youíre the only one left. You whack the
pommel horse until the cleaner turns the lights off. And itís not just your bloodlust thatís up.
Sex used to be a furtive, lights-off experience after ëMatch of the Dayí. Now itís a wine-drenched
bacchanal! You roister and bellow in the flickering torchlight beneath an old-timey parchment
map of Dorne. If only there was someone there with you.
GAME OF THRONES SPECIAL
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3. VI
THISTIME,IT’SWAR!SORTOF…
You now have friends all over the globe. A bloke youíve been Skyping
in Germany has invited you over to hunt wild boar with him. You both
know youíll never do it, but itís nice to chat about it. A woman in South
Africa keeps sending you erotic poems in which Jaime Lannisterís
severed hand features prominently. Itís all very safe and remote, but
deep down you yearn for the gore-streaked camaraderie of war. So it is
that you find yourself recreating the Battle of Blackwater in a car park
in Woking. Youíre screaming foul-mouthed death-or-glory allegiance to
Stannis Baratheon into the face of a portly traffic warden from Balham
and itís not even lunchtime. Yes, youíre using broom-handles for
swords and all the arrows have suckers on the ends, but the Westeros
Reenactment Society is as close as any fan can get to the pageantry
and fury of battle. You have risen through the ranks to Master of Coin
(making sure that the hot-dog van has enough change), but it is real
power you crave. You bide your time.
VII
YOU’VEBOUGHTAWHAT?
Youíve finally gone the whole hog and bought an actual wolf. A mangy-looking thing purchased at a Latvian
zoo foreclosure auction, it patrols your semi-detached house with barely disguised malice. The police have
been round, itís eating you out of house and home and the downstairs bathroom is a complete write-off,
but you have now ascended to the very pinnacle of ëGoTí fandom. All the tattoos and tankards in the world
cannot compare to this. Leave the masses to their box-sets and pub quizzes, for your devotion to ëGame of
Thronesí cannot now be surpassed. UnlessÖ You donít happen to have a brother or sister, do you?
8.1mIllegal‘GameofThrones’downloadsover
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T H R O N E N U M B E R S
Obsessed?You’re
notalone…
V
V
GAME OF THRONES SPECIAL
Looking
for your next
obsession?
See our criticsí
choice of whatís
on Netflix at
timeout.com/
netflix
36 Read more reviews and listings and book tickets at timeout.com/london
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