1. The good, the bad
& the Naughty
Consider these Miracle on 34th Street worthy:
The Battery takes a moment to contemplate life after destroying
virgins in Domination.
Old terror, new face. Finally, an Alien game that delivers.
holiday gift guide
Continued on next page
TOM HODGSON fills
you in on which video
games to take under the
mistletoe for a smooch
and which ones will end
up landing facedown
in the eggnog at the
holiday party.
Eat your
heart out,
Nathan
Drake.
Lara Croft
is here to
stay.
Call of Duty: Black Ops 3 – $59.99
Available on Xbox One, PS4,
Xbox 360, PS3 & PC
For Treyarch, the old adage reigns true:
third time’s a charm. Coming from some-
one who has remained rightfully skeptical
of the constant mediocrity the studio has
churned out over the years, my wonder-
ment took a shade of candy cane red when
I found enjoyment again behind the helm
of a tired franchise.
With a thrilling single-player campaign
that supports four player co-op, a reinvigo-
rated and incredibly unique multiplayer
experience and the most insane and com-
plex zombies yet, Black Ops 3 has more
variety than those $5 holiday-themed tins
of popcorn at Walmart. And while it may
not raise the bar much higher than where
it currently rests, it manages to put itself
at the top of the tree, as it’s the star of the
season for first-person shooters.
Now I have a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho.
Alien: Isolation – The Collection – $39.99
Available on Xbox Live, PlayStation Store & PC
The Alien franchise to video games and movies has be-
come that deadbeat parent that comes around once a year
with a flashy, new gift to win your affection, then is out the
door again before the ham hits the table. You can now cancel
your family counselor.
More Alien than Aliens, Alien: Isolation – The Collection
is an intelligent and methodically paced story of separa-
tion and survival brought to grand magnificence. There’s
no witty banter from Hicks, no liberal M56 Smartgun usage
of Vasquez — just you, the darkness and all the maddening
obstacles that stand between you and your faceoff with the
Alien. As you trudge down the darkened corridors that ab-
solutely nail the unnerving aesthetic of Ripley’s initial hell,
the anxiety remains unabated, as the threats loom larger and
cast darker shadows at every turn.
You thought receiving a sweater from Grandma was your
biggest fear this Christmas. Guess again.
Rise of the Tomb Raider – $59.99
Available on Xbox One & Xbox 360
Nathan Drake has some petite shoes to fill. Contrary to
James Brown, Lara Croft has made this a woman’s world.
After breaking out of her bosomy and objectified shell, she
scoffed at all the preconceived notions and grew into the fe-
male Bear Grylls.
Living off of the land and jumping from shaky ground to
swing on broken limbs, every moment in Rise of the Tomb
Raider provides some sort of sensory overload. Dynamic mu-
sic heightens the threats around you, magnificent lost tombs
provide a sense of awe and intrigue and the world is your
jungle gym, as you put yourself in harm’s way at every press
of the button. With a crafting system used from the items
you’ve scavenged and a skill tree to hone your skills, your in-
game evolution progresses along much like the promise and
potential this franchise now possesses. This year, Mrs. Claus
wears the pants.
freepik.com
mercury page 10 December 9-15, 2015

2. December 9-15, 2015 page 11 mercury
Christmas with the Kranks:
Save these games for the reindeer dung heap.
If skate or die were my options with Pro Skater 5,
I would choose die.
Continued from previous page
Tony Hawk Pro Skater 5 – $59.99
Available on Xbox One, PS4,
Xbox 360, PS3 & PC
Tony Hawk used to be the definition of mindless
entertainment, mashing buttons and landing insane
tricks to the point you wanted a skateboard. Pro Skater 5
left my childhood memories scraping up their teeth from
the pavement after botching an Ollie 540 kickflip off of
a railslide and left me wanting nothing more than my
innocence back.
This game is broken beyond repair. There was more
value to the AOL 3.0 dial-up discs you received in your
mail in the mid-’90s than there is to this game. It is as if
it was developed on an Etch A Sketch and then Franken-
steined together with the gameplay mechanics of one of
those plastic birds that dips its head into cups of water.
Levels are jagged and rough, all fluidity is shattered, some
objectives you quite literally can’t even collect and all cre-
ativity was razed — from the Create-a-Skater mode, to the
thoughtful level design to the nostalgic soundtrack. Gone,
gone, gone.
Like Rudolph’s pen after carbing up for Christmas Eve,
this game is a hot mess that someone needs to shovel.
Guitar Hero Live – $99.99
Available on Xbox One, PS4,
Nintendo Wii U, Xbox 360,
PS3 & PC
Sometimes, it’s better to burn out than to fade away. With
Rock Band recently returning for a comeback tour on store-
fronts, Guitar Hero’s manager decided it was a smart decision
to reassemble the band and get everyone back into the record-
ing studio. What I meant by recording studio was a Groupon
deal for voice lessons in someone’s converted garage, because
not even Rick Rubin could make this album go platinum.
Guitar Hero Live is essentially the reunion of a set list that
found God, gameplay that is now a judge on “The Voice” and
a guitar controller found frothing from the mouth and unre-
sponsive at a Motel 6. Combine the impending coronary of
tweeny song offerings, its reliance on microtransactions and
an obnoxiously unresponsive and redesigned controller and
you’ll be ready to go all Monterey Pop Hendrix on the game.
With replayability as inspiring as Blake Shelton’s jaw line
and a facelift worse than Gwen Stefani’s, Guitar Hero Live
would leave even its most devoted fans running back to Gavin
Rossdale. That’s not B-A-N-A-N-A-S. That’s the
T-R-U-T-H. Mic drop.
Halo 5 – $59.99
Available on Xbox One
You can’t sleep. It’s Christmas Eve, and you’re restless and
giddy in anticipation of the following morning. You nailed it:
skim milk and peanut butter chocolate chip cookies are on
the mantle, just like he likes them. There’s no way Santa’s not
gonna bring it. You’ve been a good little boy!
The light cracks through the blinds and the smell of cooked
eggs and bacon slithers up your nostrils. Christmas morning!
So you rush to the tree, eyes wandering to find the shape of a
rectangle that’s become muscle memory to search for. You hold
it above your head like it’s Simba, rip open the packaging, put it
into your Xbox and immediately start celebrating Festivus.
The most heartbreaking thing about Halo 5 is that THIS is
next-gen. This was a chance to showcase the finest that Xbox
One has to offer using its quintessential franchise. And what
are we given? A title stripped of split-screen multiplayer, void
of any inspiring or redeemable maps and given the graphical
fidelity of the “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” TV special.
You’ll be left rummaging through the scraps of wrapping pa-
per looking for something that isn’t there in a supremely un-
derwhelming campaign, as you curse the day you ever put it at
the top of your wish list.
Silver and gold, Yukon? More like tears and regrets.
A space opera
that can’t
hit the high
notes, Master
Chief delivers
a master
disappointment.
Salon & Spa
It's all about what's Best for You
Purchase a Holiday Gift Certificate
of $50 or more
and receive a
Complimentary 8oz
Bumble and Bumble Shampoo
HaPPy Holiday'S from
Wave lenGtHS Salon and SPa
181 Bellevue Ave, Newport 401-849-4427
www.wavelengthssalonandspa.com
Fri 12/11
metal night w/
WHISKEY FYRE
CHRONOVORE
Sat 12/12
and the kids
indie rock from western MA w/
PWR BTTM
12/18
Mallet Bros
w/ townman charged
12/19
hardcore matinee
2pm//all ages// bands tba
12/19
DEAD HEAVENS
W/ HOLY HANDS & DARKLANDS
12/25
CHRISTMAS
COMEDY
you've seen enough family,
you need a drink
12/26
SPLIFT OUT
album listening party!
1/9
RAVERS
1/15
flowetry friday
1/16
CANNIBAL
RAMBLERS
1/23
MAGIC CIRCLE
metal night w/
CAUCHEMAR
1/29
THE DICTATORS
2/13
BIM SKALA BIM
THE
Tiny Diamond
Thousands of adoring fans don’t actually want to sleep with
your Guitar Hero.