1. Family Values and
Openness: Confronting
and Accepting
Differences
With the assumption that every non-kinship adoption is a
transcultural one, the presenter discusses the small and
large conflicts that can arise in open adoptions due to the
differing values between birth and adoptive family members.
She discusses the ways families can successfully confront
these challenges and makes recommendations for ways
professionals can better support families in their care
3. OpenAdoptionSupport.com
• We honor the connection adoptees have to both of their families.
• We recognize the love and joy as well as the losses and grief of
adoption.
• We do not diminish one family in favor of another.
• We are flexible, understanding that needs and circumstances
change.
• We set boundaries on the basis of what is best for our children.
• We understand that open adoption looks like different things for
different families.
10. Listen for understanding
Values are not static. They
shift as we grow, as we have
new experiences and as we
meet new people.
11.
12. Values around adoption &
surrender
• What are the values of the agency?
• What are the values of the individual adoption
workers?
• What are the values of the expectant parents?
• What are the values of the prospective adoptive
parents?
13. Communicative Openness: How we talk about adoptionStructural Openness:How we do adoption
Communicative Openness: How we talk about adoptionStructural Openness:How we do adoption
Communicative Openness: How we talk about adoptionStructural Openness:How we do adoption
14. Do we segregate our child’s
adoption history and experiences?
Or do we integrate them?
16. Help Families Remember:
Help Families Remember: to
There are as many ways
feel about the adoption as
there are people involved.
17.
18. Adoption
Divorce &
Blended
Families
• Adoption is not co-parenting
• Birth parents are usually not
legally recognized after
surrender
19. Adoption
= Divorce &
Blended
Families
• Outside our social ideal
• Dependent on the law
• Decisions impact kids but are
made by adults
• Adult narrative may not reflect
child’s
20. Barriers to connection
Incongruent Life Cycles
Grief (and Guilt and Insecurity and Fear)
21. Family Practices:
What we do as a family
What we do as a family
Displaying Family:These family
practices create our family
These family practices create our
family
22. • Visits
• Holidays/Birthdays
• Gifts
• Language
• Extended Family
• Bringing New People into the Relationship
• Facebook (Sharing)
24. Life Values Inventory
Duane Brown & R. Kelly Crace
pinnowedna@charter.net
pinnowedna@charter.net
• www.LifeValuesInventory.org
• www.artapp.net/LIFE-VALUES-INVENTORY.html
29. • The National Institute for Advanced Conflict
Resolution (NIACR) www.NIACR.og
• Center for Mediation and Conflict Resolution
www.usip.org/programs/centers/center-
mediation-and-conflict-resolution
• Association for Conflict Resolution
www.ACRNET.org
• Mediate.com www.mediate.com
30. OpenAdoptionSupport.com/symposium.p
df
Dawn Friedman
dawnfriedman@gmail.com
dawnfriedman@gmail.com
dawnfriedman@gmail.com
dawnfriedman@gmail.com
Editor's Notes
My name, my kids Inspired by Discipline that Doesn’t Hurt, parenting curriculum by Linda Ladd now at the Texas Women’s University
Grassroots support site, invites input from all members of the adoption constellation submit questions anonymously, anyone can answer' Pull out beliefs
Beliefs that underlie the site and this presentation are what Brodzinsky calls a “Dual Connection” I think it’s more about ACCESS to dual connection
Holiday is coming up, experiences with your inlaws’, with new partners, extended family or roommates Think about this as we move through Think about those tensions and strong feelings, the negotiation and letting go of preconceived ideas
--Feels particularly salient in international adoption and transracial adoption --Parents whose families can “pass” as bio families sometimes feel that discussions about culture are not part of their open adoption experience. --At the very least at a micro-level, as is every marriage, every partnership, every friendship --relationships take negotiation
ideas about the good life drive adoption decisions so there’s a natural place to talk about values. We're talking with expectant parents about what they want for themselves & their children We're telling potential adoptive parents to sum up their values in their profiles
The details behind the Big Values. DRILLING DOWN (Healthy) Two families can say "healthy" but one thinks it's most healthy to have fun, eat sweets; another thinks it's most healthy to practice denial; have cherries for a treat (Confident) Two families say "confident" and one thinks a confident girl is one who embraces and celebrates her femininity; the other thinks a confident girl is one who questions traditional gender expectations
Values aren't the same as morals, personal values tend to be more individual and more flexible (we all value human life but how we interpret that is up for grabs) Take girl w/cherries. Many of us have met people who infuse their personal values with moral judgment (locavores, vegans, etc.)
Our decisions can seem instinctive but values underpin our choices. Speaking with expectant parents who don't always know WHY they like a certain profile but just know. Those are value-decisions.
I had a lot in common with the mom of the cherry girl with my first child. Hung up on nutrition. We didn't eat meat, I’m Jewish and really didn’t want kids to eat pork.
Madison eating the pork chop, Pennie asking at the airport what’s the difference between my bio kid and my adopted kid --Difference is Noah lost NOTHING when I denied him pork, Madison’s birth family is Creole and you can’t have gumbo with andouille; that decision springs from my values around openness. For a family who values openness less, it’s a different discussion
I know from working in institutions that the organization values don’t always trickle down Talk about how they apply to birth parents and adoptive parents We internalize these; how does that play out in open adoption relationships? Don’t make assumptions about what people believe based on their place in the adoption constellation (what Pennie said about Amber adopting from China) What about professionals? Examine our own biases and the biases of our colleagues, help clients find appropriate support
Brodzinsky found correlations between the two in 2006 but this may be changing as more prospective adopters end up in open adoptions for which they’re not prepared. Possible to have a fully open adoption without really being open about adoption (Kate's story) Woman worried about a transracial adoption because child has to be "out" about the adoption Interested in an open adoption (structural) but may need support in communicative
My mom telling us not to put Pennie’s picture in Madison’s room That’s the big developmental task for adoptees -- integration and identity
Openness is an attitude, not a set number of visits or phone calls No research but am inclined to think that difficulties in communicative drive the close of open adoptions, families I’ve talked to who shut down as kid starts asking more difficult questions or sharing more challenging feelings
Husband and I going through this presentation, we ourselves feel lots of different ways about the adoption depending on what’s going on at any given moment. We need room to feel how we feel.
Cynthia and I talked about this before and we felt that part of our willingness to be open has to do with our family’s history of divorce. Dad has been married three times, I’m a product of my dad’s second marriage, allowed his first daughter to be adopted by her stepfather. I haven’t seen her in 28 years, only have a relationship because of facebook. Her non-presence in my life is a very big presence. I found talking about divorce & blending families is a helpful way to talk about surrender & open adoption
Visher & Visher: therapists, this is from book THERAPY WITH STEPFAMILIES CLICK Incongruent Life Cycles: age differences, family stage differences (birth mom raising other children, life with a new baby) CLICK Vishers talk about grief, Added guilt & insecurity & fear. This is where values discussions are important because when we’re struggling emotionally, turning back to our values around the adoption can help us make decisions
Sociology, Practices: fantasies of post-adoption life, ideas of what a family ought to be Displaying: creating a family is a process, it’s on-going and sometimes it’s different than what we thought it would be It happens with or without deliberate effort, like displaying Pennie’s picture is a deliberate display of family, an integration of Madison’s adoption story and Pennie’s place in our family CLICK Noah saying we have cinnamon rolls every Xmas. He was writing the story of who our family is.
Common challenges, think about how values fuel these: -- no right or wrong --ideas about who is IN the family --idea of the good life and how to get there (These cultural differences are also our child's losses, they are what our children will need to negotiate)
--use in homestudy or pre-adoption classes --can help with matching and match meetings --use when they come back to you for help
This inventory is simple, free, easy for participant to score
1. 42 Questions 2. 15 Major Life Values: Achievement, Belonging, Concern for the Environment, Concern for Others, Creativity, Financial Prosperity, Health & Activity, Humility, Independence, Loyalty to Family or Group, Privacy, Responsibility, Scientific Understanding and Spirituality
--In pre-adoption classes, have them identify their cultural values and share them with each other --talk about holidays --talk about how they celebrate birthdays --talk about what style of clothes they want to dress their kids in --Ask them to imagine negotiating with each other CLICK TO TURKEY
We don't talk enough about grief with potential adoptive parents or expectant parents --Role that grief plays in disappearing birth parents --Grief can look like hostility, anger and/or defensiveness --Grief can fuel poor choices
Important post-adoption service
Trainings for divorce --Make sure each side is represented --be cognizant of the psychic weight of using two reps from the adoption agency --consider partnership with an outside, neutral agency that serves birth parents either explicitly (a birth parent support group) or implicitly (an adoption-knowledgeable community mental health agency)
