1. P.J. Ryan
MA Screenwriting
Kelly Marshall
‘The Garden of Forking Paths’ – Anthony Khaseria
Adaptation – Rough Draft Reader’s Report
General Positives/Negatives
I generally have nothing negative to say about this script I thoroughly enjoyed
every bit of it. This was one of my favourites to report on and one of the
brightest scripts I’ve read all year. I have nothing but praise for this script.
I hope now my report can aid you in your future developments with the script. I
don’t think big chances are necessary but little tweaks here and there are worth
a look at.
The Active Question
Will Madden and Felix be able to solve the case of Dr. Albert’s death? What was
Yu Tsun trying to communicate to the Germans?
Story Structure
This script twists and turns at any given chance especially at the beginning and
end like Dave’s script but with more clarity and ambition.
Both active questions drive this narrative really well and are filtered into every
scene consistently. A sense of urgency and lack of time helps the pace and
excitement of the script.
When you suddenly think the story is going to go off in a new direction e.g. the
exposition of the novel, it returns to the main story and investigation of Dr.
Albert’s death. You dip your foot into the water of exposition of the novel and
Jo Shoop RYA09285026 16/11/10

2. P.J. Ryan
MA Screenwriting
Kelly Marshall
then quickly return to the surface of the story before it reaches a stage of bogging
it down with detail that it doesn’t. Those scenes of exposition will look great of
screen – being transported to ancient China.
I thought maybe you could add a scene before Yu Tsun is being strapped up to be
executed. Denton could lead him down a dark damp hall, handcuffed, Yu Tsun in
his thoughts – leading into the scene 40.
Ultimately, I was engrossed in the script because of the time play, the pacing, the
well thought out characters who are likable in every way and the story of course
is just something I’d liked to see happen on screen. This is a great adaptation.
Characters
I was pleased to see you took some of my advice about the realism of an Irish
officer, Madden, working in England at a time where Ireland and England came
to blows in 1916. This angle is worked into Denton degrading Madden in front of
Felix. This heightens Denton antagonistic behaviour and Felix’s loyalty towards
his superior.
I like all the characters in this script. The chemistry between Madden and Felix is
undeniable, distinguished and well developed throughout.
I would make Sgt. Lamb more bossy and someone you just couldn’t reason with –
adding to Madden’s struggle with the case. Denton was developed better this
time around into a more sinister, threatening archetype. The chemistry between
Madden and Yu Tsun was also interesting. Their relationship dips on and off
which was great to see – and the scene where Madden wants answers out of Yu
Tsun with what he had done ultimately was powerful and a key moment.
Jo Shoop RYA09285026 16/11/10

3. P.J. Ryan
MA Screenwriting
Kelly Marshall
Dialogue
The dialogue carried the story, the mystery behind it all – a real page-turner. At
times I smiled at some of the speech as it fit the time of the setting. The best
thing about the dialogue was you allowed it to ‘breath’ – no interruptions of
scene descriptions.
The scene where Madden appraoches Yu Tsun about the air raid is the best scene
in the script. It was emotionally gripping and enthralling to read Madden off the
wall with emotion and Yu Tsun completely calm about what has happened – a
great interaction here between the two characters.
The next challenge is to try and visually get across some points and information
without dialogue. You have already done this in scenes – you are making good
progress.
Just a suggestion to get rid of the CONT’D beside character names as this is a little
off putting and will make your script much neater – some grammar mistakes also
just read through it carefully. I’ve marked them on your script.
Tone/Genre
This is a detective/mystery drama set in Wartime London with little hints of
mythology or philosophical elements that make it all the more riveting to read
and understand.
Cinematic Values
This adaptation is very visually. It uses a lot of clever visually devices especially
in the transitions between scenes e.g. the whiskey smashing on the floor –
Denton hitting Yu Tsun. The opening scene is very strong in visual. This script
was meant for the medium of film it oozes a lot ‘mise en scene’ that helps this
world come alive so vividly and true.
Jo Shoop RYA09285026 16/11/10

4. P.J. Ryan
MA Screenwriting
Kelly Marshall
The mythology parts of the story come alive strongly in the end when scenes are
repeated in different ways. It’s almost surreal and you have tried to really nail
your theme: future can be depicted in any sort of way you want it to.
Jo Shoop RYA09285026 16/11/10