This short presentation is a guide for businesses that suddenly find themselves on the Internet and don't know what to do. It covers how to sign up for the most popular social media platforms (Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Flickr, Yelp, Google+, Instagram, Foursquare, Urbanspoon, and You Tube), as well how to create business pages on all of the platforms. (If possible, and necessary.) It also covers the basics of online marketing strategy, chocolate tools, and looks at why one might want to kiss a pig.