Putting Courage into our Conversations
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Putting Courage into our Conversations: the 5 Key Stages Webinar hosted by Nicole Stead & Elaine Wilson
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Putting Courage into our Conversations
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- 4. INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF ASK EUROPE PLC©INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF ASK EUROPE PLC© WEBINAR PURPOSE AND AGENDA PURPOSE This webinar aims to enable you to have courageous conversations with confidence and skill AGENDA • What is a courageous conversation? • Why is it important to have courageous conversations? • What makes a courageous conversation difficult? • Share a 5 step model for having courageous conversations • Summary • Questions INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF ASK EUROPE PLC©
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- 34. INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF ASK EUROPE PLC©INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF ASK EUROPE PLC© THOMAS-KILMANN CONFLICT STYLES
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- 42. INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF ASK EUROPE PLC©INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF ASK EUROPE PLC© OVERVIEW: THE 5-STAGE MODEL INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF ASK EUROPE PLC©
- 43. INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF ASK EUROPE PLC©INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF ASK EUROPE PLC© STATE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF ASK EUROPE PLC©
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- 59. INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF ASK EUROPE PLC©INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF ASK EUROPE PLC© SUMMARY: THE 5-STAGE MODEL INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF ASK EUROPE PLC©
- 60. INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF ASK EUROPE PLC©INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF ASK EUROPE PLC© SUMMARY INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF ASK EUROPE PLC© • What a courageous conversation is • What makes it a difficult conversation • Why it’s important to have these conversations • A 5-step framework for preparing for and conducting a courageous conversation
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Editor's Notes
- INTRO’s LETS LOOK AT WHAT WE ARE HERE TO DO ON THIS WEBINAR TODAY….(NEXT>)
- (click) The purpose of our webinar today is to enable you to have courageous conversations with confidence and skill (click) We’ll start off by asking the question, ‘what is a courageous conversation?’ and discuss why it’s so important to have courageous conversations in the workplace. We’ll follow from this by discussing some of the reasons why, at times, it can be so challenging for us to have courageous conversations. We’ll then take a look at the 5-step model for managing a courageous conversations effectively and explore some useful skills and techniques that can be applied in each stage. When we discuss the 5-step model, we’ll be asking you to recall a conversation that didn’t go so well for you or you may want to refer to a difficult conversation that you are about to have. We encourage you to start thinking about this as we proceed through the webinar – why was, or is this conversation going to be difficult for you? Did you actually have the conversation or have you you avoided it? You can start to apply what we discuss to your own experience to better understand what has happened in your attempt to enter the conversation, and what you could do to manage a courageous conversation more effectively going forward. The 30 minute webinar will be interactive, including periodic surveys of your viewpoints and experiences. There’s a question box that appears on your screen throughout the webinar and we invite you to ask questions at any time. We will be answering these questions and sharing them with you at the end of the webinar. Thanks for joining us!
- In an interview with HR.com, English Author and Poet Dave Whyte described courageous conversations by referring to the root of the word ´courage´, which comes from the old Norman French word ´coeur´ - meaning heart. So when we look at it in this context, we have good reason to assume that a courageous conversation is a heart-felt one. When we enter into a courageous conversation, we are typically facing a situation which is High stakes Involves a conflict in views and opinions, And where strong emotions are present for all the parties involved Click to next slide
- Our aim, when having a courageous conversation, is to enter into a dialogue with a willingness to emerge with a changed mind-set; and to deeply honour the values of trust, openness, respect and real curiosity. This kind of dialogue brings people alive in the workplace and fuels the spirit and energy needed to move forward towards common goals. The definition of the word ‘courage’ is the ability to do something that frightens us, to have strength in the face of pain or suffering. We were never born to embrace pain, whether physical or emotional – in fact, we instinctively try to find ways of resisting it, and this is why it can be so hard for us to act courageously. (click to next slide and bring up 1st poll)
- Insert hands up Who thinks there is a courageous conversation they need to be having at work right now? Insert poll: what territory does your courageous conversation cover? A performance gap Personal hygiene Conflict with peer Conflict with boss Behavioural issues Lets look at why it’s so important to have courageous conversations in the workplace.. (click to next slide)
- Firstly, it has an impact on the individual - Avoiding the conversation doesn’t give the individual and opportunity to change or share their perspective, and doing it badly can result in: Misunderstanding (click) Criticism or blame (click) Defensiveness (click) Stonewalling or shutting down (click) All of this can result in poor performance and low motivation which will consequently have an impact on organisational culture and performance. And, in the case of the performance gap conversation, there is also an impact on the line manager. Failure to have the conversation can result in demotivating the rest of the team and damaging their own reputation.
- Failure to have courageous conversations can have a significant impact on organisational culture. An online survey conducted in February 2011 by Fierce.Inc, responded to by over 1,400 corporate executives across multiple industries, showed that: (click) 99% of employees prefer a workplace in which individuals identify and discuss issues truthfully. (click) 70% believe lack of candour within their organisation impacts the company’s ability to perform optimally (click) 95% agree or strongly agree that a successful company has a culture of effective confrontation (click) 97% agree or strongly agree that even when someone knows they are right, exploring other points of view will help them make better decisions (click) (click next slide - POLL)
- Q. How good do you feel managers in your organisation are at having difficult conversations? Excellent Good O.K Poor Very poor
- Despite the importance of having courageous conversations, research indicates that these conversations aren’t happening as much as they should be. In 2008, Performance Coaching International surveyed 750 managers (click) in public, private and voluntary sectors (click) about how they addressed poor performance in their staff. They found that 70 percent (click) of the managers said that they or their reports were either unable or unwilling to have the “courageous conversation” needed to address underperformance. So what do you think their reasons were?
- The results of the survey in order of rank, showed that firstly (click) there was an underlying fear of having such conversations, because, for example the Manager worries about how person will react(click) Or the employee fears demotion or losing their job, and secondly, there is a lack of understanding about how to go about having these conversations. Now lets explore the fear factor a little more. (click to next slide)
- Basically, it’s all to do with our brain! We are hard wired to always be on the alert for threats. That’s how we survived in prehistoric times and that basic instinct remains today, although mostly we are unconscious of it. When we interact in a social setting like work, there are several areas where a threat response can be triggered. We have a strong need for certainty We need to feel that we compare favourably with others in our group We like to be in control We need to feel we are being treated fairly The prospect and experience of having a difficult conversation triggers some - if not all - of these areas for both parties. Lets look in a bit more detail at what actually happens in the brain, and the knock on effects in the rest of our body. When the brain perceives a threat, glucose and oxygen is sent to the limbic system where our emotions are experienced. This temporarily starves the rational part of our brain so it can no longer think straight. The amygdale kick in and a series of reactions take place in the body to prepare us for a fight or flight response. Click to next slide
- The autonomic nervous system puts body on alert. (click) The adrenal cortex in the brain releases stress hormones. (click) The heart immediately starts beating harder and more rapidly (click) Breathing instantly becomes more rapid (click) Thyroid gland automatically stimulates the metabolism (click) Larger muscles in areas like the arms and legs automatically receive more oxygenated blood (click) Click to next slide
- Now you can see why our brain gets starved of the vital supplies that it needs in order to think rationally. We’ll come back to explore ways to mitigate the ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ response later. For now, lets focus on what we know about handling conflict situations.
- Some of you may be familiar with the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Inventory which identifies 5 common modes of handling conflict that are measured along a person’s degree of assertiveness ( which is the attempt to satisfy his/her own concerns) or cooperativeness ( which is the extent to which the person attempts to satisfy the other person’s concerns). Each of us tends to use one or two of these five strategies more than the others. (click for first style) Accommodating – This is when you cooperate to a high-degree, and it may be at your own expense, working against your own goals, objectives, and desired outcomes. This approach may be appropriate when the other party is the expert or has a better solution or when attempting to preserve future relations with the other party. (click) Avoiding - This is when you simply avoid the issue. You aren’t helping the other party reach their goals, and you aren’t assertively pursuing your own. This may work when the issue is trivial or when you have no chance of winning and may also be used when the issue would be very costly or when the atmosphere is emotionally charged. Sometimes issues will resolve themselves, but “hope is not a strategy”, and, in general, avoiding is not a good long term strategy. (click) Collaborating – This is where you partner or pair up with the other party to achieve both of your goals. This is how you break free of the “win-lose” paradigm and seek the “win-win.” This can be effective for complex or challenging scenarios where you need to find a novel solution. This can also mean re-framing the challenge to create a bigger space and room for each party’s ideas. It requires a high-degree of trust, openness and respect for others. (click) Competing – This is the “win-lose” approach. You act in a very assertive way to achieve your goals, without seeking to cooperate with the other party, and it may be at their expense. This approach may be adopted when time is of the essence, or when you need quick, decisive action, and people are aware of and support the approach. (click) Compromising – This is the “lose-lose” scenario where neither party really achieves what they want. This requires a moderate level of assertiveness and cooperation. It may be appropriate for scenarios where you need a temporary solution, or where both sides have equally important goals. Sometimes people also fall into compromising as an easy way out, when collaborating could produce a better solution.
- When facing difficult conversations, the style that is likely to work most effectively is the collaborative style. Whilst it takes time, patience and courage to use this approach, it enables all parties to ‘play on the same side if the fence’, creating space for creative problem solving, and for fostering mutual respect and support. Let’s pause and check out how we are supporting managers to prepare and become skilful in having difficult conversations… (click, next slide for poll)
- Q. In your organisation, what support are managers given for handling difficult conversations? Training Coaching E-learning HR support None The model that we are about to explore is typically applied in a face-to-face environment where skills can be practised through role play and where individuals have opportunities to receive rich feedback.
- We mentioned that collaborating was the most effective style. This model helps us maximise that approach whilst giving us strategies for mitigating the fight or flight response, or as it’s described here, silence or violence. As we are taking you through the model, start to think about how you can apply the techniques to your own situation. Let’s start with State…
- The area most under your control is your own state: physical, emotional, and mental. Being aware of your Body, (heart) Beat, Breathing and Brain - before and during your conversation will make you more resilient against your emotional triggers. Here is a routine that will help you dissipate tension: (click) Focus on what is happening to your body: Find somewhere quiet enough to be aware of the tension in different parts of your body. Starting from your forehead, then moving down to your face, neck and so on, follow the breathing activities which we will describe soon, at the same time allow the tension to subside (click) Become aware of your heartbeat. If it is racing, allow it to slow down gradually, at the same time (click) Take slower, deeper, fuller breaths. Allow your breathing to reach your lower abdomen, counting to ten while breathing in, then out (click) Consider what thoughts are going through your brain? Gradually become aware of your thoughts and, noticing them, allow them to slow down. As you slow your breathing, notice as they gradually dissipate. (click to next slide)
- You will notice through this process that, by the time you reach Brain, your internal dialogue or self-talk will become very apparent. Your self talk may push you towards the fight or flight response, but neither of these will put you in a positive state for your Courageous Conversation. Guide yourself out of destructive self talk by reflecting on: Why this person’s behaviour bothers you (click) What is your goal here? It’s important to get clear on what you want. This will direct your conversation in a positive way (and away from the other person’s faults) (click) Now break this goal into components – and then consider how much of this you already have. That will also help you frame your conversation positively (click to next slide)
- Next, review your ‘story’, or your version of reality. Which of these are really ‘facts’? What has been your contribution to the problem? What beliefs have you formed, and which of these may only be assumptions?
- Finally, become aware of your ‘triggers’ (click) – those things that set you off, or ‘make your blood boil’. The State phase of your Courageous Conversation is an excellent moment to gain mastery over your triggers so that they do not derail you when the conversation itself is in full flow (click to next slide)
- The ideal state for a Courageous Conversation is to be sensitive, calm, direct and curious. Now lets look at the next stage… (click to next slide)
- A difficult conversation will typically involve strong emotions for at least one of the parties. If a courageous conversation is to take place, it needs at all times to be safe. ‘Safe’ means that both parties can openly express their views and feelings without fear of being verbally attacked, humiliated or otherwise made to feel vulnerable. Before you enter into the conversation: 1. Reflect on your role in the conflict and your goal for the conversation 2. Invite the other person to join the conversation, clearly indicating an intention to connect and listen. Your invitation needs to: - Explain that you want to achieve a better understanding of a situation or relationship. - Make it clear what you don’t want and make it clear what you do want 3. If you feel safety may be at risk, invite a third party facilitator. Ultimately, this is your judgement call Here’s what making it safe might actually sound like…. But please forgive us, we’re not going to win any acting awards!!! Role Play
- Once you have ensured the conversation is Safe, the next objective is to provide Space for the parties’ stories to be heard, understood, and clarified. On a physical level, this means finding a venue that promotes dialogue and generates positive energy – so you will want somewhere quiet, with natural light and an uplifting feel. It also means allowing enough time as well. On an interpersonal level, ‘Space’ means listening actively, questioning, clarifying, not interrupting, and allowing enough time so that all items can be explored. These skills take practice. (click to next slide)
- Safe Hi Nicole, thanks for agreeing to meet with me. As I mentioned in my e mail I’d like to explore ways we might work more collaboratively together. I think there have been some misunderstandings recently about what each of us is responsible for delivering on this project and I’d like to mutually agree a way forward that works for both of us and that will help us avoid misunderstandings in the future. It’s not my intention to lay blame on anybody - What I’d like to do is hear your perspective on the situation and work with you to iron out these glitches. Is that ok?
- By creating ‘Space’, you will be best placed to bring to the surface the other person’s story and version of events. You will now want to try to identify and clarify the facts, but in a difficult conversation this may not be so easy. In the Surface phase you will need to patiently explore the other person’s: perceptions assumptions conclusions emotions beliefs The most effective way to do this is usually to adopt an attitude of curiosity and discovery, and to listen without judgement, as if you are finding out about that person for the first time. Once you reach the surface phase, the other person will probably be quite openly expressing their story and feelings. This now gives you the opportunity to discover more deeply and surface what lies beneath for the other person. This stage may help you uncover an ‘unseen goal’ that the other person has. It’s this goal that will help you achieve a mutually satisfactory outcome if you can identify it. Let’s return to our earlier conversation and pick up where we left off Role play - surface Okay, we won’t bore you with all of that conversation… (click to next slide)
- Surface Tell me what your experience of us working together is? Well - I feel that you’ve been treading on my toes. For example, only last week you sent the Marketing Manager the customer satisfaction survey results when I thought it was clear that was my job! Yes that was confusing and embarrassing. But tell me - I’m interested to know what made you certain that that was part of your role? My boss told me when he briefed me after he appointed me to the role Ok so it was from your boss. And did you get any briefing or information on the role from any other sources? No – just my boss. Not that he gave me that much detail. Mostly I’ve had to work it out for myself. Being a new project there has been an element of ‘working it out’ and using our initiative for both of us. Is there anything else that you have found frustrating about us working together? Yes there are a couple of other things……
- It is also important to share your own story and experience of the situation. So far, you will have done most of the listening. At this stage (and it may not always be a ‘stand-alone’ at the end’, but be interspersed throughout – and that’s a judgement call) you need to share your story. Be as candid as possible. This is why it is useful to have prepared your areas of concern before the conversation takes place. Restate your goal Explain the situation or behaviour from your perspective Explain how the situation or behaviour made/makes you feel Be prepared to be direct and sensitive if challenged Share how addressing this situation or behaviour can help you achieve your goal Share how you feel addressing this situation or behaviour can help the other person achieve his/her goal, then check whether they agree If the other party becomes adversarial, first return to Safe then the inquiry and clarification of Space without forcing the pace. You can then return to sharing your story. At this stage, we may not agree entirely with each other’s ‘reality’. Progress is made when we create a shared story we can both relate to, which might sounds something like this….. (Role Play – Share)
- Share I too had a fairly loose brief from my boss. I thought I had enough information to be clear about my main responsibilities – which were to provide statistical analysis of marketing data. From my perspective I was getting the impression that you wanted to do everything and my involvement was superfluous to requirements. I thought that you didn’t think that I had any value to add. Having heard your take on things I can see that isn’t the case. Having this chat now makes me realise you want to collaborate as much as I do. As we both want the same outcome I’m sure there are ways that we can both effectively contribute to the project and possibly the first thing we could do is to work together on defining the key responsibilities for each of our roles. What do you think? Yes I’d be happy to do that and perhaps we could start by defining the overall purpose of each role? Good idea – let’s have a go at that now
- To summarise the 5 stages, State is about being aware of and regulating your physical and mental processes Safe is about creating the right climate for the dialogue Space is allowing the other person to tell their story Surface is exploring and understanding their story in detail Share is comparing and contrasting your story with theirs with a view to identifying shared reality and goals
- So what we have covered in our webinar today is: What a courageous conversation is What makes it a difficult conversation to have Why it is important to have these conversations And a 5-step framework for preparing and conducting a courageous conversation Thank you, we are now happy to take questions.
- Follow-on booklet will be emailed to you