9. We will…
– Give you our best
– Take breaks
– End on time
What else would be helpful for you?
Working AgreementsWorking Agreements
10. We ask you to…
Respect
confidentiality
Photo by Vox Efx [link]
Working Agreements
11. We ask you to…
Challenge yourself
Photo by Daniel Oines [link]
Working Agreements
12. We ask you to…
Minimize
distractions
Photo by Robert S. Donovan [link]
Working Agreements
13. Photo by Luz Adriana Villa [link]
We ask you to…
Wait for breaks &
Return on time
Working Agreements
14. We ask you to…
– Challenge yourself
– Respect confidentiality
– Minimize distractions
– Wait for breaks & return on time
Can we all commit to this?
Working AgreementsWorking Agreements
15. Photo by Theresa Thompson [link]
Disclosure & Vulnerability 40 mins
Team & Culture 30 mins
Break 10 mins
Feedback & Influence, part 1 50 mins
Break 10 mins
Feedback & Influence, part 2 50 mins
Closing 15 mins
TOTAL 4 hrs
Agenda
18. Feelings & Emotions – Why??
Everyone feels them;
we just pretend we
don’t.
Convey crucial
information; absence
of emotion leaves
out half the story.
Emotions indicate
importance. Most
powerful motivator?
They are
an early warning
system
Feelings & Emotions – Why??
19. Exercise #2: Introduce Yourselves
• Find a partner you DON’T KNOW
• 2 min to introduce yourself. Then switch.
20. How was that?
• What did you notice?
• How did it feel hearing the first intro?
• How did it feel describing yourself differently?
21. Self-Disclosure
Will I be less
liked,
respected,
influential
(leader-like)?
Is it relevant?
Will it further the
discussion – the
relationship?
Will others
use this
information
against me?
How will
others
see/assess/
judge me?
“What in
my ‘bubble’
should I
share?”
We are constantly
making the choice of
letting our self be
more fully known
Self-Disclosure
23. Authentic Leaders
“The single factor distinguishing top quartile
managers from bottom quartile managers was
strength of affection – both given & received –
with their team.”
--“Encouraging the Heart: A Leader’s Guide to Recognizing and Rewarding Others”, Kouzes & Barry
Authentic Leaders
24. Authentic Leaders
You prefer to look strong rather than “weak.”
Problem: Everyone knows that.
Result: Willingness to show (some)
“weakness” is perceived as sign of strength.
Paradox of Trust?
26. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability
1. Disclosure & vulnerability are critical to
connection.
2. Effective leaders form strong connections.
Conclusion: Consider being more open.
The Bottom Line
28. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Effective Teams
1. Participation
2. Collaboration
3. Cooperation (Commitment)
Research: All of these are correlated to
Group EQ
“Building Emotional Intelligence”, Wolfe & Druskat, Harvard Business Review, 2004
37. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityWhy is Feedback Important?
1. Personal Development
2. Team Effectiveness
3. Stronger Relationships
Bottom Line: Feedback is how we grow
39. Photo by State Farm [link]
Social situations ≈ Physical threats
Threat Response
40. Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
David Rock
What social
situations trigger
a threat response?
Status
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness
SCARF Model
41. So… how do we communicate feedback
while minimizing defensiveness?
43. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
1. Focus on specific, observable behavior
2. Describe the impact of that behavior on you
3. Do not address the other person’s motives or
intentions
(Do ask about them & listen actively if they choose to
share.)
Stay on your side of the net!
44. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityThe Simplest Feedback Model
When you do [x], I feel [y].
(and optionally)
The story in my head is… (z)
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
45. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…
1. Semira, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.
2. Semira, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You
are clearly bored with this presentation.
3. Semira, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am
feeling anxious about what message that might send to
others in the room.
46. Exercise #4: A Difficult Other
Think of someone in your life whom you want to influence/give
constructive feedback
• Have issue; some concern about how to raise
• Not most impossible; but challenging
• Want something from/more functional relationship; have more influence
e.g. peer, colleague, boss, friend, SO, family member
Reflect:
• Behaviors/Actions you find problematic
• Effect/impact of those behaviors on you
• Cost?
• Your needs? Their needs?
47. Exercise #4: A Difficult Other
Find a NEW partner
• Decide who is Person A and Person B
• Person A describes their difficult other to B
• A will then act as Difficult Other
• B will act as A, giving feedback to difficult other
• Switch & Repeat
48. How was that?
• What worked to influence you? What didn’t?
• Did you learn anything by playing the role of
Difficult Other?
• Are you going to give it a try for real?
50. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Receiving Feedback
• Look for “Grains of Truth”
– Learning is better than being right
– Goal is understanding, not winning
• Listen and ask clarifying questions
• Acknowledge your feelings
• Gift mentality
– Say “Thank you!”
51. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Complimentary Feedback
• Give more!!!
• Do not praise to buffer criticism
– Avoid “The Sandwich”
• Do not praise to overcome resistance
• Avoid platitudes. Be specific:
– Weak: “Joe, you’re killing it.”
– Strong: “Joe, I’ve noticed you’ve been on time to almost
every meeting this week. I feel grateful for the extra effort.”
52. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Constructive Feedback
• Assume good intent; be curious
• Use a soft start
– Emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:
My intention is… / This matters to me because…
When you do [x], I feel [y].
• Be aware of your own stress
• Goal is joint problem solving
53. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLast Reminder
Stay on your side of the net
When you do [x], I feel [y].
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions.
54. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback
Work Product
– Timeliness, quality, quantity,
focus area
Communication & Management
– Too much/little
– Choice of format
– Email etiquette
– Language choices,
communication style with others
– Transparency of project status,
hiring/firing/promotions
Role Modeling & Presence
– What energy do you feel from
this person?
– How do they impact others?
– What do they model well?
– Anything you worry about?
– Arrival/departure times
– How they speak/listen/act/dress
