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Shared Kitchen
Confidential
with Joan Kanner
I am a…
Home cook
I am not a…
Chef
Abandon all hope,
ye who enter here.
(Or at least put on a hair net.)
“Wholly shiitake just get me to the market
already!”
“The X’s and O’s” or…
Kitchen Tats
Where Dis?
The Elements
____ of Disguise?
____ of Puppets?
____ of None?
Dungeon ___?
Competition
Customers: Type I
Sandwich = two pieces of baked product
with toppings in between
If you think it’s not,
you’re a nimrod.
When I horizontally slice a
bagel and put cream cheese
between both halves, it’s a
sandwich.
Customers: Type II
Customers: Type III
Schmears the
deal

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Shared Kitchen Confidential with Joan Kanner

Editor's Notes

  1. In the ultimate roommate scenario, you don’t get to pick. You’re with industry people (“Corner!”), second career folks like me, and crazies. <Tuvan throat singing noise> “Pass the dutchie on the left hand side. Nah, biddeldy bid el dee, bid el dee, bum”;
  2. Tumble outta bed. And I stumble to the kitchen. Pour myself a cup of ambition. And yawn and stretch. And try to come to life. Jump in the shower. And the blood starts pumpin’. Out on the street. The traffic starts jumpin’. The folks like me on the job from….?!!!
  3. There’s nothing like getting to the kitchen around 2:30 a.m. Getting ready to bake. And having another business come in and blast a rabid mix of Tuvan throat singing, reggae and Woo! Tang! Along with a playlist of electronica that should be called “Anxiety.”
  4. Who am I? And vert da furk am I doing up here?! Let me start by telling you what I’m not. I’m not a chef. What I am is a food entrepreneur and gluten pusher who’s been working out of a shared kitchen for over 3 years. And the views expressed here are my own.
  5. In the ultimate roommate scenario, you don’t get to pick. You’re with industry people (“Corner!”), second career folks like me, and crazies. <Tuvan throat singing noise> “Pass the dutchie on the left hand side. Nah, biddeldy bid el dee, bid el dee, bum”;
  6. One of the reasons why you join a shared kitchen is access to valuable equipment. But outside of licking the damn thing, you need to either get their first or really be good at communicating your needs. But hey, it’s cheaper than having to buy the equipment yourself.
  7. There are DOZENS of businesses with multiple staff, and wildly different thoughts about sanitary practices… all sharing ONE kitchen and its equipment. Here, the price of sharing can outweigh the potential savings.
  8. On the left, you’ll see when I employed the popular sitcom trope of dividing an area using masking tape. Because it got that ridiculous. On your right, just one of the many times someone messed up the plastic wrap. These are the things that slowly eat away at your soul.
  9. When merely trying to produce our products, we face countless hazards. Grrrr! A speed rack full of raw chicken. I just need to wash this. BEHIND! Not a blocked prep sink. Who’s not so SHARP!
  10. While first pitched as an incubator, the kitchen has grown to having more fakers and less makers. Simply put, if you’re serving your catering customers instant coffee, or repackaging cookies you bought from the grocery store, you’re a faker. Not a maker.
  11. We’ve gone from having true startups to wedding caterers to being the commissary kitchen for established restaurants. In fact, some businesses have MANY trucks and vans. One fleet is owned by a guy who I bet gets daily blumpkins. “Welcome, Great Blumpkin! I believe in you…”
  12. All the while, I’ll still making food for people and I’m getting maimed in the process. Cut. Cut. Cut. Stress-induced tooth snap. Burn. Cut. I guess you could say that, this work leaves its mark. Oh, yeah, there’s more to it than the kitchen. We need supplies.
  13. In Dante’s The Divine Comedy, the City of Dis [dee tay] encompasses the sixth through the ninth circles of Hell. This ring of hell is known as the restaurant supply store. The restaurant supply store: “Where everyone is equally treated like crap!”
  14. Multiple times a week, we create a bagel shop outdoors. Feeding 100 customers at each event. Sometimes, I’m standing in a watery ditch. Other times, we’re chasing down menus blown by the wind. We’re there in the winter with our fingers barely able to move. But since you’re there, we’re there.
  15. Every circus has someone running the show. Farmers Markets no exception. They’re run by individuals or committees known as Market Masters. Because, that’s not a provocative thing to call yourself. Remember, the safe word is kohlrabi.
  16. Scene from a Farmers Market. Vendor: “Did you make it into the summer market?” Me: “Nope.” Vendor: “Good, because your smoked salmon is hurting my sales.” Me: “We don’t make smoked salmon.” Vendor: “See you in the winter.” Competition – the greatest allergen.
  17. Some customers are garbage spewing fountains of unsolicited advice. Here’s some advice, never start a sentence with “you know what you should do?” I look forward to coming to your job, sitting my ass down and picking apart your work, all while touching your monitor (with my greasy hands).
  18. And when you’re telling me my job, you should probably start by being right. Here, the Darwin Award goes to the customers who don’t just tell me how they want their sandwich to be constructed. They tell me what a sandwich IS!
  19. Violation of personal space can happen in any environment. On your left, Captain Hygiene ignores the fact that I’m making food here. On the right, I reenact the moment when some dude pulled a “lifting up” your skirt move by my cooking station.
  20. So, you want to tell me that I’m going to hurt myself by cutting bagels “that way,” or how I’d save time by microwaving eggs instead of frying them fresh, or maybe you’ve put your flaky hands on my flattop. But I say, why… stop… there.
  21. The concept of a shared kitchens isn’t flawed, the practice is. Marketing isn’t the same as intentionality. Coming to an office or jobsite near you.. ME! In the meantime, back off! Or… By loitering at our farmers market stand, you have invited THIS vampire into your workplace. Thank you!