1. Chloe McConnell
MIT 3829G
March 09, 2016
Prof. Chris Clark
I’m Not Keeping Up With the Kardashians:
A review that could be an utter waste of time.
Once upon a time, Princess K was born on her velvet throne October 21, 1980. Her
childhood was quite normal. She spent time parading Beverly Hills with Paris Hilton,
making sex tapes, and praying to God every night during puberty that she would stop
developing—attending a Roman Catholic school must have really had an impact on her.
Over time, Kim has obviously become more comfortable with her assets than her puberty
days, but it doesn’t mean the rest of the world has, or wants to see it. Kim—
unfortunately—remains a popular reality television figure, amateur porn star, and
specializes in giving her children fucked up names.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, Kim K has contributed a lot to society. When her first
marriage ended in 2004, in part because of her compulsive shopping problem, she
showed the world that material possessions are always more valuable than loving
relationships. In 2007, she released a sex tape, reminding all women that sex is more
seductive when everyone knows about it. Who has sex and doesn’t tape it? She dated
several athletes, announcing to the world that you don’t need to have any athletic talent
outside of the bedroom if you want to get a touchdown with a football player—Kim
always knows how to play the field. The most important lesson Kim’s fame has taught us

2. all, is that anyone—really, anyone—can be famous. Even superficial, walking bottles of
tanning lotion and stupidity like Kim Kardashian.
Kim’s Instagram reflects her true self; a collection of nude photos. Make note to self,
even after you have children, posting nudies on social media is still liberating. Kim
Kardashian could be clipping her toenails on a Sunday morning at 9am; saran wrapping a
cheese and tomato sandwich, and all of North America has to hear about it. This socialite
is occupying more space on the screen than Sandra Bullock in Gravity. The decision to
gauge my eyes out, or watch an episode of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” would be
a difficult one to make. Her obnoxious publicity stunts, paired with a voice that sounds
like a hyperventilating seal, makes for a deadly combination. I’m sorry, but I don’t
understand why you would trust anyone who thinks his or her child should be part of the
compass rose?
It would be impossible to write a review on Kim without mentioning her attempts at
blonde hair. Being a blonde myself, February 11th, the day Kim bleached her locks, was a
sad day. How am I supposed to combat the dumb blonde jokes when Kim Kardashian is
strutting around, looking like she has shoved a large, rather bright, honeydew on her
head? In support of her ‘third times the charm’ husband Kanye West, Kim’s closet
includes a selection of furs. Now, picture a large bear, waltzing around, with a honeydew
on his head, and you have Kim Kardashian in 2016.

3. It would be too kind to say Kim Kardashian is a waste of time, for that would do her too
much justice. Kim is the random stoplight they put up at a four way stop in a small town
of 167 people, and no one understands why it’s necessary. She carried children for a man
who is clearly in love with Beyoncé, and Kim knows deep down she is no Beyoncé. My
advice to Kimberly Noel Kardashian, is to just marry herself for her fourth marriage. No
one is possibly going to love her more than she loves herself, and I can promise you that.
PS…I know this is mean, but it was fun to write.