1) The document describes a conversation between two people about problems, feelings, and wanting something that cannot be obtained. 2) The speaker does not want to share or solve their problem because they feel it is complex and want to experience the unfamiliar feelings associated with it, even though it may become harmful. 3) They want love and affection from someone who will not provide it, finding the desire appealing because it cannot be fulfilled. Pretending to be happy is the speaker's way of dealing with the situation.

1. Someone said that pretended happiness was not good for my health because it could deceive
others...but there would not be a chance for me to be happy for real.
But makes difference as I am not happy at all? Unhappiness comes from problems, that’s true.
Pretending to be happy is trying to escape from your problems, which does not solve them, it
just disguises them. Thinking that I cannot solve this kind of problem that I have is related to
my lack of determination to do it, he supposed. What I answered seemed strange to me. For
the first time in my life I said that I didn’t want to solve my problems. In that very moment I
thought that I could have looked like a weak person, who would easily give up the first fight
that seems to be difficult.
‘Imagine that you didn’t have problems, what would you do?’
‘Look around for the hidden camera?’ he said.
I realized that in fact I had many insignificant ordinary problems, but all I thought about is
a particular one. A new one, as I hadn’t experienced it before. It is more complex than any
other, yet in the same time I had wanted to feel what it is like to have it. This is why I did not
want to solve my problem. I liked its unfamiliarity.
I didn’t want to share it with others; I didn’t want them to know that I am miserable. I
didn’t want to show weakness.
‘You are not always supposed to be strong and you probably have a good reason to be sad.
Your friends are the people who might help you…why would you try to dissemble your
feelings?’ he asked.
‘I am sure they won’t understand me, as I don’t understand myself completely. And nobody
can help me better than I can.’
‘I see.’
‘No you don’t!’
How could he say that he understood me? That’s what friends always say despite the fact that
it is almost never true…he didn’t even know what my problem was; I could call anything a
problem…if he knew what it was he might say that it is not a problem at all!
‘There are different kinds of problems; yet all of them need a solution.’
‘It is better for my problem not to be solved.’
‘Is it better for your feelings?’ he asked…
Feelings are deceiving; I had realized it long ago.
‘The thing that I need to experience will become harmful inevitably. That’s why I prefer not
to have it. Not having anything that I want is a good lesson for life, isn’t it?’
‘I think I understand how you feel.’
‘No you don’t!’ He even had no idea what I was talking about…
‘Love matches the description as far as feelings that might come to be harmful after some
time are concerned. Isn’t love that you are talking about?’
‘If I just needed to experience love I would not have a problem, as there are many who are
able to give it to me.’
‘So you don’t want it at all, or you want it from a particular person?’
‘I want it from the person who would not give it to me. I think that I wouldn’t want it if I
knew that he would.’
I want it only because I cannot have it. I want it from HIM, who is that kind of person, who
has never been able to love. He behaves in way that is not appropriate for me to feel good
with him. This is why I want him in my feelings and I don’t want him in my thoughts. Having
a disagreement between my mind and heart, I am stuck in a position which I cannot get out of.
I have always had goals that are difficult to accomplish, but this is a problem which just can’t
be solved, isn’t it?

2. ‘If you got it would you still want it?’
‘I would but it would be harmful. However, I it is not possible for me to have it.’
I hate imagining things that are impossible to happen, because the deduction that you might
make while talking about them, is usually not true. And I love problems that are complex like
this, because I can learn a lot from them. I like the way it sounds ‘a problem between me and
myself’. This is why I am happy in my thoughts and I am not happy in my feelings. Nobody
can help me better than I can and I don’t want to put anyone in a situation like this - wanting
to help me without being able to. ‘So I will pretend to be happy until my feelings turn cold.
Then I will be happy for real. Time heals everything. I don’t need anyone helping me; I know
what they would say.’
‘You are right: it’s your own battle.’
‘I don’t think it is a battle. I don’t fight anything; maybe it would be if I tried to fight my
feelings or my thoughts, but I don’t. I will continue living without agreeing myself.’
‘But you will be unhappy.’
‘Unhappy in some way, I will be happy in another simultaneously,’ I said, crying with a smile
on my face…