The holistic handbook to a successful suicide

What to do
when it's
time to go.
What to do
The Holistic Handbook
to a Successful Suicide
By James Maginnis
Every 31 seconds someone
in the world dies by suicide.
Every 32 seconds the world
heals by making sure it's seen
only as a personal mental illness.

I dedicate this tome to the sister who broke my spine before I
was even one year old and who still refuses to talk about it, the
brother who claims I'm to blame for his meanness and then lied
and even faked my signature to steal my mother's inheritance
as "therapy," the childhood bullies well know by teachers who
abused me even more, the wives and children whose love was
wrapped in alienating insults, the pastors who've called me evil,
exploitive therapists, friends afraid to really know me, even you
the reader who has accepted little or no responsibility for the
tyrannical hunger, violence, and ignorance that so fills our lives
even though how to end such trape
ills being well documented, and
most notably my fear of being ridiculed for complaining. These
monstrous actions are daily committed by every one of us due
to an overwhelming fear of being known. In my worst moments
of despair, I've tried to remind myself there were good reasons
to feel so inadequate with the only true insanity being the silly
imaginary and tasteless happiness we all struggle to preserve.
Yes, Virginia, there are monsters.
There are brain sucking Lizards and blood sucking Zombies. Worse, if you
look closely under the bed you may catch a glimpse of yourself down there.
Pretty scary stuff except the plan to shut down your brain or heart rests but
on the sole premise you forfeit reverence for yourself. So, "be careful when
you fight the monsters, lest you become one of them." Nietzsche (1886).
(http://www.epilogue.net/art/9585-monsters-under-the-bed)
Copyright 2012 - 2014

The Holistic Handbook to a Successful Suicide
by James Maginnis
Table of Contents
Abstract .................................................................................................................................... 1
Why I wrote this ...................................................................................................................... 1
We have met the enemy and he is us ..................................................................................... 2
Only a crazy person wouldn't want to die .............................................................................. 3
I told you I was unhappy – so, why are you only here NOW? ................................................. 5
This is the postmodern desert ...............................................................................................10
Do I just not like people? .......................................................................................................17
Great and good are seldom the same man ...........................................................................21
And so, there are some things you should consider before you go; ....................................27
The Zombie next door .............................................................................................................28
What does it mean to be a man in the modern world? .........................................................33
What does it mean to be a child of a divorce in the modern world? ...................................38
Trash talk: what is it good for? ..............................................................................................40
101 ways to kill yourself and do it again tomorrow ..............................................................44
The thought of suicide is a powerful solace: ..........................................................................44
Just because you can, doesn't mean you should ...................................................................50
For the lotus flower to fall is for it to rise to the surface ..........................................................55
Knowledge is not power ........................................................................................................55
Life, if defined by growth based on conflict resolution, is best shared ....................................59
How do you die to self without actually dying? ....................................................................59
Every exit is an entry somewhere else...................................................................................61
I know what it feels like to want to die ....................................................................................66
Positive Psychology believes grief is always short-lived .....................................................66
Let me tell you more of my circumstances .........................................................................69
Sanity is madness put to good uses; waking life is a dream controlled .............................69
We must imagine two different things for forgiveness to work ............................................71
Perhaps we're asking the wrong questions ............................................................................73
What might families look like? ............................................................................................74
It's not a question of ideas – there are already too many ideas ..............................................74
"Now," said the doctor, "we will begin, yes?" .........................................................................77

Suicide is painless. It brings on many changes and I can take or leave it..........................78
Few people have the wisdom to prefer the criticism that would do them good .......................81
Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them .....................................................................82
Self-trust is the first secret to success ..................................................................................84
In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act .........................................85
How would you define the perfect parent? .........................................................................85
You cannot understand a system unless you change it .........................................................87
Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry ...........................87
There are many icons in our art, language, and culture .........................................................91
Without the rain, there would be no rainbow ........................................................................92
Truth is stronger than lies and love is stronger than fear........................................................94
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. ........................................96
Student: I don't feel like living. Teacher: Then find ways to not live. .......................................99
Without doubt, certainty is what drives one insane ........................................................... 101
If anyone thinks he knows anything, he does not yet know it as he ought to know it. ........... 102
Is the glass half full or half empty? ....................................................................................... 103
Rule #1 in life: Be great at what you do: life is short. ............................................................ 105
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. .............................. 105
Be yourself, everyone else is already taken........................................................................ 106
Let's Talk About: Violence Against Men .............................................................................. 106
What is Heaven and Hell to me? .......................................................................................... 112
(http://arth-karm.blogspot.com/2012/11/is-suicide-end-of-all-troubles-or.html)
Will you live?
Will you die?

1
Abstract
We need to be honest about suicide and the ways we make others feel the need. We do such
harm, like a young girl striking her schoolyard affection to hide her loneliness, to withhold the
very intimacy after which we all hunger. We insist others learn to take responsibility and change
despite life's one most essential truth being (as per AA) that our life is unmanageable and we're
powerless to change it. Depression is the natural response to guaranteed to fail self-reflection
and self-correction. Dr. Jung believed such difficulties start when being a distinct homogeneous
individual is an unhealthy choice for one's environment corrupted by such lies. We focus on but
building great leaders rather than great societies (based on great followers). Our movies never
show heroic teams and we rarely teach how to build them (such as with team charters). Being
called untalented, unintelligent, unattractive, unfaithful, or unpleasant is far more offensive than
hearing we are unsure of our beliefs, unclear of our goals, disorganized in our efforts, uncertain
of where we would stand, are without a long range plan, or misguided in our worldview; those
things that actually matter. Lastly, we prefer hearing only how special we are to ever addressing
real world egos, nepotism, and codependent relationships. We've done a repositioning of life as
a commodity we consume rather than one in which we might consider to invest ourselves. So
what if researchers have identified how to end most all hunger, violence, and ignorance? I don't
get to live in such a wonderful world until you gain a greater respect for truth. People often say
they don't believe in a God that allows suffering but I say that's why I have yet to believe in you.
Why I wrote this
Penny Coleman says suicide is "the most secret death because no one wants to talk about it."
She says about 120 returning Iraqi vets kill themselves every week. This is an estimate as the
numbers aren't tracked by any agency. There are more suicides in the military (same for cops),
as soldiers (and cops) die mostly by their own hands, but after controlling for gender (men), the
military (and cops) has a lower suicide rate than the country as a whole. Animals occasionally
kill themselves due to misery but it's our primary motivation as modern life is damn lonely and
cruel. "Older white men are more likely to take their own lives than any other demographic, and
suicide rates among that group have shot up [50%] in the past decade." (Dr. Arean, 2014) Dr.
Rosenthal showed (Pygmalion in the Classroom: Teacher Expectation and Pupils' Intellectual
Development, 1962) kids have little input to grades and yet we still yell at them for bad grades.
Dr. Brame says men have almost a 50/50 chance of being arrested by age 23 (more than twice
that for women). Dr. Brodsky (1976) and Dr. Leymann (1984) demonstrated all stress is typically
the consequence of groupthink mass "mobbings" overwhelming targets of STJ psychopaths into
hopeless positions (and then chronic stress can cause incurable brain damage). And then, the
Columbine Threat Assessment Group found the primary antecedent for such school violence is
the forced focus on athletic heroes. Suicide usually says none of it and none of you are worth
living for; nothing is better for saying "I hate you all." It's time to let suicide out of the closet and
admit the many ways we set people up for absolute failure, not just ex-husbands but everyone.
We have but a singular recommendation for a better life: you need to change. If your grades are
poor, you need to change. If people don't like you, you need to change. Even if life has dealt
you a crappy hand, you must change as there's always something wrong with you (say teachers
and peers). Every one of us, every day, goes past something like 50,000 declarations detailing
our faults. For instance, few of us are thin and pretty enough, few of us are popular enough, few
of us are happy enough, and without doubt very few of us are rich enough. To no one's real
surprise, each of these problems, even the not rich enough one, can be fixed with money. But,

change is not possible. Your character and temperament is fairly set by puberty. Golfers know
the better plan is not to change for the course but to change the course for you; if you have a
natural slice then use it on a dog-leg right. It is life that should change. This is such good advice
characteristically unavailable anywhere, not from your therapist, your boss, or your family and
friends that I need to say it again. When people say you need a better attitude, to work harder,
or just to be more agreeable you need to raise both birds high into the air and just scream, "No!"
"We have met the enemy and he is us." – Pogo, 1953
We're great at telling others to start taking responsibility and yet never take any ourselves. For
example, teacher quality has fallen by half while salaries have doubled. The only two positions
you're likely to take is 1) that statement is wrong or 2) someone else, such as say the Teacher's
Union, is to blame. There is no chance you take responsibility. When the principal asks all the
teachers before an important standardized school-wide exam in the movie Stand and Deliver
whether every teacher was doing all they could, only Escalante stated he knew he was not. Be
honest, you're not doing enough to improve society; all your limited efforts miss the big picture.
I once made a resolution to make the world better by baptizing others. I found Bill Bright had
prophesied in the 1950's as a "slave to God" he would fulfill the Great Commission of bringing
every man, woman, and child to Christ in a single life, one generation, or 50 years, and later by
2000. His first step in this plan was to travel the U.S. looking for biblical scholars who had been
successful evangelists. Many came to interview but he could not find a single individual who had
both studied the Bible as well as worked to baptize people. I've visited about a hundred Tucson
churches and have not found a single person who has even met a single spiritual grandchild (a
person baptized by someone they had baptized) or a church that encouraged or tracked such
efforts (since they grow but by pilfering as per Barna and Polomar). Bright resigned in 2003 after
50 years of leading Campus Crusades for Christ and died shortly after with over 16,000 full-time
employees sadly having made little real headway in his mission. I asked a national missionary
for the group if they were considering reworking their Mission Statement and I was asked firmly
to leave and to never come back. Previously, I baptized an employee I had sponsored at AA
(despite not being a member) and two of my pastors visited the person with dire warnings about
"evil" Jim. Both pastors confessed to never baptizing a single person themselves (and one was
even nearing retirement). I've concluded geometric success requires a supportive community of
like-minded believers I am unable to find, true for any and all social problems. Personal issues
like suicide and salvation are social problems that necessitate coordinated community solutions.
Religion was not the answer. So, I tried being a Precinct Captain working to get "better" people
elected. As you can guess, I found most candidates grossly incompetent. Even sadder, I found
the few good and not-bad candidates to be either fully engrossed in useless platform issues (by
their own admission) simply to get elected or else incessantly hindered into comparable futility. I
found politics was not the solution either. So, I volunteered at my kid's school but somehow got
voted off the parent-teacher Site Council at the PTA president's request for the "ethical violation"
of campaigning. The only person to say anything nice was an ex-wife. I cried inconsolably, not
from being so rejected but from a death in which I finally gave up on you all. My best friend told
me if I was a "real man" I wouldn't need defending (I still have my hateful ex-wife) and how likely
it is that I will die alone (not accepting that being alone is better than poorly accompanied). Drs.
Cloud and Townsend propose I just need better "boundaries" but when someone in your poultry
shed turns out to be a fox in a chicken suit, bravely standing up and clucking "no" is bad advice.
You must either quickly flee the coup or submit to the fox. Chickens simply never fight together.
2

3
Only a crazy person wouldn't want to die
If you're normal, you find suicide (or at least passive self-destruction) attractive because;
1. You want to go to heaven to be reborn in a perfect human body somewhere else
2. You want to reincarnate as a cow but forgot how many cockroaches you have to be first
3. You want to get away from self-deluded religious fanatics preaching about some afterlife
4. You want to be a martyr for some foolish cause that probably doesn't really help anyone
5. You want to just get away from everyone constantly bitching about how much life sucks
6. You want to serve a capitalistic society and ideally die right on schedule with no overtime
7. You haven't accomplished a damn thing or know how from having wholly inept teachers
8. You've fooled yourself into thinking you've achieved everything when it's in truth nothing
9. You're tired of feeling life is beyond your control, just a series of unrelated country lyrics
10. You're just drunk (or high) and naïvely stupid: one third of adolescent suicides are drunk
11. You're a have-not of a casted society: most minorities are shut out of higher paying jobs
12. You're a veteran sick from U.S. weapons like depleted uranium tank shells or the quarter
of enlistees and half of reservists insane with never ending nightmares and flashbacks
13. You're an alienated father (knowing how to solve social ills in a world that doesn't care);
and, of the 38,364 Americans who killed themselves in 2010, 30,277 (4 of 5) were men
14. To emerge from nothing yet have a name, deep inner feelings, and time to dwell on how
at any moment your life will disappear leaves you yearning for the sickening wait to end
The Who sang in 1971, "As people assemble, civilization is trying to find a new way to die." If
you are born in a time or place without technology, your death is likely to come from a natural
disaster, fire, unsafe living conditions, poison, or disease while death in industrialized countries
is more likely to come as the result of a plodding suicide. America is reaching a grim milestone
this year: 40,000 deaths by suicide. In the developed world, suicide became the leading cause
of death in 2010 for people age 15-49. Free access to the suicide of our choosing to escape any
external threats and the naturally resulting pathologies is becoming our most fundamental right.
The world loses a million people each year to willful fatalities and that's more than deaths due to
homicides and war. The most fashionable method with a gun, called "eating lead," occurs more
often than traffic deaths. Then, all of the top ten ways Americans die involve some sort of "slow-kill"
self-harm; eating lead is only tenth overall. Half of all deaths are due to a pathological thirst
for cigarettes and fatty foods. Other fashionable options include drugs and alcohol at #3 as well
as the consequences of sex at #7. I had a crush on a girl who over dosed in middle school while
another four kids ended it all using drunk joy riding. We are also a primary reason that life sucks
for others. Our poor treatment of nature is evidently in our nature. Animals might commit suicide
due to the so called rights of the many but Terror Management Theory supposes that humans
are principally attracted to death as a result of our singular ability to picture it coming; causing
colossal control issues. According to the CDC, any sexually active teenager has roughly a 50/50
chance of contracting an STD. Perhaps, the draw of the possible death is even greater than the
natural attraction for the intercourse. It is sadly vey likely that you are not already dead only due
to not having sufficient "rope." For example, the most effective way to increase people's craving
to smoke is to remind them it will kill them just as criminologists say people commit crimes often
only out of a perverted need to take great risks. This is just as true financially as it is physically.
The reason you've not yet declared bankruptcy may be only because you've never had enough
opportunity. Bankruptcy seems but the natural result to winning a large lottery (or rope). Lottery
winners, like all of us, tend to live wholly self-destructive financial lives but have just never had
sufficient resources to completely fail until that lucky day when their number gets picked – yea!

One remarkable suicidal method had a big impact on psychologist Dr. Martha Stout. She begins
The Myth of Sanity by talking about when her Grandmother chose congestive heart failure. Her
grandmother, lying in a hospital bed and being attended for minor problems, informed her nurse
she planned to "go to God" before morning and then quietly was no longer a burden to anyone.
Dr. Stout explains "Voodoo victims die that way, victims of their own strength of belief, and other
mammals, swimming against the tide for too long, let death come, and die of exploding hearts,
before the water has a chance to drown them. Having decided it is time, one simply dies." Dr.
Benson explains in his Beyond the Relaxation Response how religion can greatly facilitate one's
ability to make physical changes (far greater than any TM guru) even to one's own willed death.
Research has shown "religious belief alters the brain" including a faith-based analgesia not for
Atheists. Our refusal to talk about suicide, its stigma, results in a poor job of counting suicides.
Stout's grandmother's death was not counted as a suicide. "It's vastly underreported," states Dr.
Phillips, who has written much on rising suicide rates. "We know we're not counting all suicides."
Just as every business plan should include a detailed exit plan, living intentionally means dying
intentionally. But we don't have such a pragmatic relationship with death. We refuse to listen or
even taste our food to ignore it. My parents both wanted to die horribly painfully and alone but
fairly quickly at home. My father went insane, defecating himself for days, while my mother 12
years later lay alone on the floor also insane for days. This sounds horrible and I believe either
would have changed their minds in the moment, true for most any suicide. I understand all of
the few who've survived jumping off of the Golden Gate Bridge have said they quickly changed
their minds on the way down. But, no matter how detailed the data available to my parents may
have been – even if they could have gone forward in time and watched their deaths, I believe
they would have chosen precisely the same way to go. I have found this true for nearly all of the
Great Generation (born before 1925). I instead want to die a lingering death with full access to
unlimited drugs and people to clean me up after I've soiled myself and hold my hand with great
encouragement in a nursing home allowing me to think and write as long as possible. Now, my
grandmother was sadly hospitalized for two years unable to do anything but blink her eyes. That
doesn't sound appealing to me. It would be best to think about how you want to go and not just
put if off for some last minute collection of bad choices you'll regret for the rest of your life (LOL).
My parents' preferred means of gaining advantage over their pitifully lonely lives was food and
smoking. Mom died with oxygen in one hand and a pack of Camels in the other while dad grew
to almost 300 pounds by his end. They also lived lives of social suicide. I heard of parties with
over 50 guests before I was born. But, they only had 4-6 couples over when I was young. Then,
no one came over after I was 12. My last conversation with my father included a statement that I
didn't have a clue about who his friends might have been and he yelled, "Do you want to know
who my friends are?!? I'll tell you – no one!" Well, relationships only end up thorny things if you,
as we are taught, separate people over whether they are nice or nasty (rather than valuable vs.
harmful). I think they most respected honesty due to being so poor at recognizing it. Now, my
parents did spend time with an attorney and his wife. He generously allowed me to record him
for a character in one of my puppet shows and he provided the only practical advice when my
first wife left me for a High School Junior. When I would attend his parties, I noted how he was
the first one drunk although he never drank. After a lifetime of abusing food to help medicate the
pain of such constant social deceit, he was driven to quickening the process by "eating lead."
I'm not interested in detailing the "quick" death options as that's been done to death (I'm sorry
for that intentionally bad pun). The Complete Manual of Suicide written by Wataru Tsururni in
4

1993 sold over one million copies. The manual evaluates eleven categories of suicide methods
including overdosing, hanging, jumping, and carbon monoxide poisoning in terms of pain, effort,
chance for success, and final resulting appearance of the body. Wataru does not cover any of
the many reasons for suicide but does pose the very important question, "Why must one live?"
The Final Exit by Derek Humphry, Hemlock Society founder, also provides assistance for stuff
from making decisions about whether and when one is ready to die to financial considerations.
When it came out in 1991, it was the number one bestselling nonfiction book in America for 18
weeks and it has sold over a million copies. In 2007, the editors and book critics of USA Today
selected Final Exit as one of the 25 most memorable books of the last quarter century. One of
the more notorious suggestions from Dr. Philip Nitschke's The Peaceful Pill Handbook is his
classic "Mexican option." Due to the high cost of travel, Mexico's high crime, and problems with
drug reliability, Dr. Nitschke no longer recommends this. Finally, we all know of Dr. Kevorkian,
whom we all hope we never get as our emergency room doctor. He said "Dying is not a crime."
60% of the people he helped kill themselves, however, neither had fatal illnesses or complained
of any pain. Many were rather just sufferers of clinical depression or hypochondria. One woman
simply had a husband who told Kevorkian it would be better if she was gone (believe it or not).
Over tall buildings and guns, "doctors have found the use of helium (within a bag-like tent) is the
speediest and available method to end life." (To Die Well by Drs. Wanzer and Glenmullen 2007)
Here's an important point to consider: I've seen two movies where people consider suicide after
being diagnosed with ALS or Lou Gehrig's disease. In truth, half of those told they have ALS live
more than five years and so end up "re-diagnosed." Forget about getting better and think about
hearing "Woops, turns out the bad news wasn't entirely true." You wouldn't want to miss getting
to see your doctor all red faced having to admit to making a mistake – would you? Therefore, I
support considering "direct" methods for but the last few days or totally paralyzed when you can
have some certainty your motivations for such a final choice won't out of the blue poof be gone.
Pain is not a good reason for suicide as it's not real (being it's transitory), not like being useless.
What is your favorite penance: smoking, over eating, unprotected sex, eating lead, tall building,
drug overdose, risky lifestyle, or several of these and then suffocating alone on the floor? I am
amazed how most women prefer a drug overdose even knowing it will likely fail and they thusly
be forced to try again just to not make a mess. Men are ten times more successful than woman
when it comes to killing themselves. I assume this is due to being raised with a greater need to
be successful, even in failure, and that women are raised to be drama queens and blame their
problems on men. But, having a gun in the house removes most all of a woman's normal ability
to fail (as it's hard to miss). Any honest endeavor requires being clear about your vision and
understanding the resources needed for your personal meaning for success with a detailed plan
for execution (that time, no pun intended). Suicide is no different. Most suicide attempts are so
amateurish and messy they rarely provide what people intended. In truth, most people consider
suicide only as an in the moment resolution to some meaningless situational problem without
thinking things through. We all die, but few do it and leave a meaningful and lasting impression.
There are pre- and post-mortem questions to consider, later will not work for obvious reasons.
For one thing, you will need them for the suicide note, for brainstorming ideas for your epitaph,
as well as for your headstone. For instance, I would like the following text put on my memorial:
5
I told you I was unhappy – so, why are you only here NOW?
In addressing why kill yourself – there is an inexhaustible list of good reasons to hate life. Most
are but smoke screens hiding the real reason: being alive is a very lonely proposition. Many use

the logic, "I will no longer have to be untalented, unintelligent, unattractive, or unpleasant." The
reality is that you will clearly not only be useless, stupid, ugly, and nasty, you will also be dead.
Then, the Flynn Effect is about how people are getting smarter every decade so a person born a
century ago is likely borderline retarded as calculated today. Technology has similarly made us
twice as productive as our parents who were twice as productive as their useless parents. Then,
there's appearance. Forget about the modern options for cutting stuff off and getting it replaced
or straightened and think for a moment about how people smelled a century ago. So, any of our
stupid and ugly issues can be minimized by just becoming associated with an older crowd. We
are also becoming a wholly faithless group of sub-humans. Larsh's Culture of Narcissism was
made famous by President Carter's Malaise Speech in which he pointed out social programs
can't fix the real problem of people becoming self-absorbed jerks. Therefore, no matter how cold
hearted, simply looking to the next generation for friends can secure your fitting in just perfectly.
Also, when it comes to suicide, people often think, "I drink, abuse drugs, or am so sick or injured
that I'm half dead already so why not just finish the job?" Remember that our grandparents were
a quarter of the people we are and they were called the "Great Generation" because they were
more literate, more loving, and more courageous. It clearly doesn't take much to flourish. Heck,
even Romanian orphans with heads flattened from being left lying all day as infants as a rule
flourish quite well. People also think, "Well, suicide was the solution favored by a family member
or friend – so, why not give their solution a try." Of course, the obvious problem here is "trying"
generally implies non-destructive testing. And, this is typically not an option with suicide (duh). A
genetic component has been indentified for the aspiration to kill oneself; it's not all your choice.
The common reason why all normal people think about suicide (if just subconsciously) each and
every day is people suck and are wholly impossible to live with. When my eldest daughter tried
to explain dating a 19 year old when she was 14 (whom she eventually married) by exclaiming
"Dad, have you seen the boys my age?!?" I replied, "Yes, I have. And, they remind me a lot of
you. And so, the feeling that they're not good enough can only be a result of some pretty poor
self-esteem and the resulting self-delusion you've used to cover up the fact you suck as well."
And yes, that was me sucking and being impossible to live with. And so, my daughter then left.
But, Dr. Anna Freud asks "who promised you that only for joy were you brought to this earth?"
AA's 12-step recovery plan starts by recognizing that your life sucks and there's nothing you can
do about it. First, life has no problems, it only has symptoms. This motivated Toyota's founder to
develop a Five Why Analysis as dealing with symptoms can only make things worse. Then your
memories, what makes you you, are very unreliable. DiSalvo explains in What Make Your Brain
Happy and Why You Should Do the Opposite that most people shown a manipulated photo of a
fictitious childhood event will create a detailed false memory. Dr. Kassin also showed innocent
people will confess and even create details to a crime a confederate falsely claimed witnessing.
Dr. Loftus showed leading questions can also create false memories, though often with a delay.
She also wrote "there are now no reliable ways to distinguish a true memory from a false one."
Dr. Spanos even showed hypnosis only diminishes the already irresistible power of suggestion.
The LA Rampart investigation began when it became clear LAPD divisions regularly sold drugs,
robbed banks, and even killed while forcing 30,000 innocent people using such "interrogation"
techniques to confess. Dr. Kahneman won a Nobel Prize in Economics in 2002 for his Rule of
Small Numbers stating people prefer to make decisions with the least data possible. Numerous
Nobel Prize winners have similarly shown how our brains seem optimized for self-destructive
decisions. Malcolm Gladwell says in Blink that no more than 5% of our choices are our own. Dr.
6

Simon says such limited rationality is why we all rely so heavily on rules of thumb. Dr. Stanley
Milgram showed all women (and half of men) would torture a stranger to death if firmly asked to
by any authority. Dr. Paul Ekman (basis for TV show Lie to Me) showed we all lie three times
every ten minutes for social glue and we all work hard to miss lies. Ekman counted a lot of lies
by omission; others say we overtly lie only ten times a day. Dr. Elgin also believed we never say
what we mean and 80% of products popular in surveys never sell. The MMPI (the grandfather of
all personality tests) uses the failure to admit the fear of getting caught is the only thing keeping
you from say sneaking into a movie theater without paying as evidence of a lying personality as
science has long documented we all know deep down (if honest) what thieves we are. It seems
only a self-deluded sociopath can sincerely assert that they are sane, smart, kind, truthful, and
without blame (required to be a leader). I would argue the most emotionally healthy men I have
ever met may be self-aware convicted serial killers and child molesters who grew to recognize
they are not safe in public. Mental health is often seen like physical health to be the absence of
disease, but it is more about coming to terms with things the way they are (and not an either-or);
the most disabling disease being the self-hatred we stuff inside (what the Bible call "demons").
While people suck on their own – they only really get going in groups. Dr. Brodsky in 1976 and
Dr. Leymann in 1984 independently showed most all stress is the consequence of "mobbings"
that overwhelms victims into helpless, defenseless positions that usually persist continuously
over a prolonged period of time. Bullying is but the "hard sale" for a win-lose conclusion based
on a position of power (a net zero sum called politics) every parent has done with the words,
"Because I said so." Mobbing, in contrast, is about using the mindless masses, I call Zombies,
to commit the abuse, leaving the bully's hands clean. Dr. Nicola Bunting also describes people
whose personalities are so impoverished and immature they only mouth the thoughts of others
as Zombies. She states the popularity of manipulating others is a totally postmodern situation. It
turns out the most likely reason you feel bad (whether emotionally or physically) is because of
stress and the mostly likely cause of stress is poor treatment by a mob of manipulated Zombies.
Dr. Kevin Dutton (2012) argues we should encourage psychopaths as they tend to be fearless,
confident, reward focused, charming, and excel at reading emotions – leadership qualities that
seem tailor-made for success in the 21st century. The situations that most haunt me with what I
should have said or done always include some sort of panic attack. Our natural fear system is a
bit too sensitive for a modern world without cobras and lions. Emotions can be a real hindrance
when working towards individual goals; they're only valuable to group aspirations (emotionless
Dr. Spock wouldn't do well in the real world). Identified genetic factors imply some evolutionary
advantages and in fact callous Alphas can often be found in nature. Dr. Sapolsky found tit-for-tat
bullying in a group of baboons he was researching. His baboons, however, changed in just one
day from a violent might-is-right culture to one that was far more peaceful. What happened? The
baboon troop happened across some tainted meat in a garbage dump and since the Alphas got
to eat the most, only they died. Without "leaders," the meek inherited control. Rising frequency
of psychopathy suggests a mostly nurture origin and Dr. Reicher believes identifying with any
leader or cause is the surest way to lose one's mind. Any "leadership skills" are but poison to
healthy team development. While anti-mobbing laws with an anti-psychopathic intent spread
across Europe in the 1990's and in Canada in 2006, there are no such laws being considered in
the U.S. Our country seems to be overly manipulated by the iron grip of psychopathic baboons.
What kind of remorseless person would choose to empty people of their voices to but puppet
opinions they often don't even understand? Dr. Martha Stout writes in The Sociopath Next Door
one of their chief characteristics is a kind of glow or charisma making them more charming or
7

interesting than the other people around them. They're more spontaneous, more intense, more
complex, and sexier (although they dislike sex and only use it as a weapon) than everyone else,
making them hard to identify and very seductive. Harvard's Dr. Howard Garner showed most
children score genius level IQ's up to the age of four, but that percentage goes down to 10% as
teenagers and 2% for those over 20. While natural and statistical, this also happens due to the
discouragement from the mobbing efforts orchestrated by what Drs. Livingston and Rosenthal
called Negative Pygmalions and Dr. Satir called False Levelers producing what Dr. Michael Ray
calls the Voice of Judgment. For some reason, we turn our eyes from such monsters. Dr. Satir
only identified False Levelers as the hardest to spot and with which to deal. Dr. Livingston even
wrote in 1992, expressing great surprise over, how he never studied Negative Pygmalions in his
career despite knowing full well they were more prevalent and effective than caring individuals.
As we ignore the realities of suicide (or sexual abuse), we likewise hide from the known cause.
After hearing the stories of my fitful marital relationships, many have suggested that I am a poor
picker. But, since psychopaths are far more attractive, my picking is fine. The problem is I don't
think a mature adult should believe in monsters (and I attract them). I had convinced myself the
occasional odd behavior or statement could not have been real. I am not alone in this affliction.
Dr. Robert Hare's 20 question survey is the standard rubric for psychopathy as he is seen as
the world's top expert. He wrote a paper showing when people were given random series of
letters and asked if they spelled a word that normal people find emotional words like cancer or
rape faster than neutral words like tree or plate; but not psychopaths. Astonishingly, his paper
was rejected. Dr. Hare had measured EEG brain patterns of the subjects and the journal simply
didn't believe the ones for the psychopaths could have been accurate as they showed them in a
constant state of lethargic emotional sleep. To suggest monsters are real doesn't seem "adult."
Many estimate over 1 in 25 are such fiends - the DSM-IV states psychopaths will exhibit at least
three characteristics of deceitfulness, impulsivity, recklessness, aggression, remorselessness,
faithlessness, and never honoring financial obligations. But, these describe our base character,
what exists beneath any of our own pretenses. They're simply better at being us. So, we end up
worshipping them. All they're really missing is the social connection and motivation to be better,
something that's not possible alone. They are but nature's perfect Army of One. They're simply
far better at living alone, to even embrace the soul numbing loneliness (if left untreated) of being
alive. Our individualistic culture fosters such antisocial behaviors (where the only area in which
they're not better is in functioning in a team) so an alienated father can only watch his children
(especially a son) develop selfish behaviors. 80% of male rapists motivated by displaced anger
and 85% of teenagers in prisons come from homes with displaced fathers (Criminal Justice and
Behavior, Vol 14, p 403-26, Fulton County Georgia & Texas Dept of Corrections, 1992). We all
love watching sociopathic TV characters like Dexter because they live like we secretly all wish
we could. They ignore the rules doing whatever they want and don't take any crap from anyone.
Plus, they're popular; and, we are taught from birth that popularity is better than all the money.
But most importantly, we admire psychopaths because they give us what we want more than
anything: they make us feel good with lies. Everyone knows if something feels good, you should
do it. Turning over our lives seems like a small price; besides, we don't like making decisions.
The fact is the only thing harder than being an adult today is to be a child, defined expressly by
how one is not an adult: without access to information, powerless, and insignificant. Childhood
seems little more today than the development of shame and inhabitations by identifying who is
not good at academics, sports, or social behaviors. Children are systematically dehumanized
with route memorization, lengthy lectures that discourage questions, adults talking for them, and
8

criticism for their "wrong" questions or goals. Who cares if medical dictionaries define childhood
from infancy to puberty, when medical information becomes legal property? Jewish ceremonies
traditionally claimed ethical responsibility to happen at puberty when Christian Confirmations
awarded adult rights including marriage – but we're modern now. That the Christian Church of
the Middle Ages considered the age of accountability when a person could be tried as an adult
and executed to be seven seems archaic. Conventional wisdom is children are but a fragile lot
with Martin Luther King's assertion of "a right delayed is a right denied" being only for us adults.
The Greeks did not see childhood as any specific category of life. Children of old were afforded
no protections from witnessing sexual behaviors, violence, or even death as they were not seen
as weak or in need of any discipline. Heck, they were often running their own homes and having
children by thirteen. Dr. Aries documented how childhood was of no consequence in medieval
time (in Centuries of Childhood, 1962) and Dr. Postman (The Disappearance of Childhood) says
such was true up to modern technologies such as the printing press. Psychological immaturity is
clinically defined by the absence of real responsibility and yet our world is engineered to restrict
accountability for kids. With the resulting rise of monsters, we permit such awful child abuse that
LA kids exhibit PTSD more often than Baghdad kids and their parents only act far more childish.
Dambisa Moyo's new book "How the West Was Lost" (famous for her "Dead Aid" in which relief
efforts were shown to be the actual cause of hunger and violence in Africa) argues the reason
efforts to change the world normally fail is because real world egos, nepotism, and codependent
relationships are never addressed by wholly shortsighted policy decisions (pretending monsters
aren't real). Management gurus have been similarly saying for decades that most organizations
are but wholly over-managed and under-led with bureaucratic, arrogant, and uncreative cultures
due to delusional quality programs designed to fail. The resulting poorly implemented strategies,
ineffective mergers, and costly re-engineering can carry a large toll due to the immense impact
work and governments have on our personal identities (Dr. Bruce Hood). If we don't ever dare
face our love affair with monsters, we are guaranteed to produce only more of the same results.
Many people tell me (as they would Christ), "I don't like your tone. Your good points are simply
buried in dogmatic arguments. Your dismissive language and over generalizations are hardly
stimulating; in fact, they only silence others. You should respect differing opinions more. But no,
you have to be right and claim everyone else is wrong, even scholars and preachers. You don't
seem to know you can't change anything but yourself. I find myself wondering who hurt you so."
If you did say this to Jesus, it would all be true and the answer to the last question would be, of
course, yourself as we all have hurt Christ to death. Christ (like I) often also gets to hear, "You
mean well, but I need an 'adult' relationship." Jesus (and I hopefully) came just to have an adult
relationship but you've forgotten what one looks like. You may feel comparing myself to Christ
isn't right. Amy Carmichael said, "If you have never been hurt by a word from God, it is probably
you have never heard God speak" and (like Deming or Hosea) I know how it feels to be unseen.
Instead of adult relations, a new kind of rapport stalks the land, the chief characteristic of which
is the rejection of absolute truth. The battle cry is "What's true for you may not be true for me."
The 2013 Scientology Super Bowl ad said, "The one thing that's true is what's true for you." We
are repeatedly told we must respect all opinions even though such advice is not very scientific,
which instead holds most opinions are but wishful thinking by mindless peacocks (Zombies) or
blowing smoke by deceitful weasels (psychopaths). This idea got started with a wave of great
dissatisfaction with the prevailing concepts of truth ("the Great Apostasy") that swept across the
America 200 years ago based on improved access to conflicting information (due to the printing
9

press). Attempting to reconstruct new doctrines without any real basis, however, only led to a
variety of novel and pedantic dogma. Joseph Smith, for one, told everyone to "push the delete
button on all the stuff you're arguing about" as it was only part of the world's "corruption" (Dr.
Richard Mouw). "Smith was the Henry Ford of revelation as he wanted everyone to have one."
(Dr. Kathleen Flake). The Twentieth Century Age of Faith revival (like the previous one during
the Dark Ages) attempted to counter the Age of Enlightenment's established materialistic values
of the then growing middle class's social "betters" (or "old money") by trusting the heart more
than the head, prizing feelings more than thinking, and revelation over reason. The knowable
God-centric worldview that had once birthed scientific exploration melted into distain for science
and logic. In our post-modern world, it's clearly easier to just plagiarize popular politically correct
opinions. It's much safer to argue "you can't trust science; common sense is a far better source
of wisdom." Any freshman psychology text includes a chapter on the limitations of intuition but
we've been raised to believe rational thinking is simply no longer socially unacceptable. Trying
to base a social solution on the reality of poor character intrinsic to humans is seen as uncouth.
"This is the postmodern desert inhabited by people who are, in effect, consuming
themselves in the form of images and abstractions through which their desires, sense of
identity, and memories are replicated and then sold back to them as products."
Larry McCaffrey (Storming the Reality Studio, 1991, p.6)
In psychology, lying to ourselves is referenced as the self confirmation bias (or myside bias or
when wishful thinking meets sorely inadequate brainpower). Nothing pleases us more than the
rejection of unwelcome information. But, doing so takes great mental effort and so results in us
only becoming even dumber. This is what makes the self-help industry so worthless. We end up
with only magic answers. Researchers explained the many ways this affects the thinking of all
people to test subjects. They explained how 90% of people think they drive better than average
even though statistically impossible, how people with low IQs usually believe they have high IQs
(while people with high IQs tend to see themselves as having low IQs), and that since this bias
is done in the unconscious about how self-reflection (as required by self-help) only produces our
biggest lies. Then, the researcher asked the subjects to rate the affect of this bias on them and
they found a new winner in the world of lies as everyone said, "not me." Google Bias Blind Spot.
Feminism occurred in three waves. Any ism begins with how its members are extraordinary and
deserve special "rights" (but never additional responsibilities) to validate our fragile self-esteem.
Feminists from 1850 to 1950 won equal rights to vote, to own property, and equal employment
opportunities but at the same time managed to keep women out of the draft, maintained primary
guardianship of their children, and retained for husbands the liability to support their wives (men
could still go to jail for their wives' financial crimes). Second, every ism must identify the enemy.
All the way back to first women's rights convention at Seneca Falls in 1848, every line of their
Declaration of Sentiments started by blaming what oppression "He has" done (and not what the
law or the system had done). The 32 men who signed the declaration (when only 20% of the
attending women dared do likewise) were initially turned away and, after insisting on staying,
were forced to sit in the back and not speak. It was common for suffragettes to carry signs that
stated "Down with men." The New York Times September 26, 1908 published a letter from the
anti-feminist Mrs. Francis M. Scott that refuted the lies and misquotes of Mrs. Harriet Johnston-wood
(yes, they had hyphenated names a century ago) as quoted in a March 26, 2008 letter.
The feminist theme of "death to all men" continued in the 1960's and so Valerie Solanas' SCUM
Manifesto naturally urged women to "eliminate the male sex." Doing her part, she fired a gun at
10

Andy Warhol three times; the third shot went through both of his lungs, spleen, stomach, liver,
and esophagus. She then shot art critic Mario Amaya and placed her gun against the head of
Fred Hughes, Warhol's manager, and fired but the gun jammed. Despite being her own attorney
and pleading guilty, she went to jail for only two years for "reckless assault" (after being indicted
on attempted murder, assault, illegal firearm possession, and admitting it was a premeditated
murder attempt). In comparison, a man in NYC walked into a bar and non-fatally shot 3 people
was sentenced to 240 years and a young teenage boy in Florida who found a gun and winged a
local shop owner was sentenced to 70 years. Solana continued to stalk Warhol with very little
consequence. I've heard sermons in 3 different churches on how heartless men are physically
just not capable of loving another person like any wholly superior woman. One big feminism win.
Solanas had told playright Margo Feiden before shooting Warhol, "I'm going now to shoot Andy
Warhol and that will make me famous, and that will make my play famous, and you will produce
it. You will." That came true, and more (as she was also able to produce the movie I Shot Andy
Warhol, 1996). Trying to kill a man not only doesn't get a woman much jail time - it will make the
girl rich and famous. Feminist Robin Morgan (later editor of Ms. magazine) even demonstrated
for Solanas's release from prison and Ti-Grace Atkinson, the New York chapter president of the
National Organization for Women, dared described Solanas as "the first outstanding champion
of women's rights" and as "a 'heroine' of the feminist movement." Morgan's 1970 Sisterhood Is
Powerful was cited by the New York Public Library as "One of the 100 most influential Books of
the 20th Century." It claimed everything was due to a deeply patriarchal misogynist rejection of
women (even male homosexuality). This was the height of Lesbian Feminism when both men
and women could be gay but only women had the privilege of getting the separate label of being
lesbian; heterosexual men who like to shop, cook, or accessorize are still "metrosexuals" while
women who do something masculine are "empowered." During this period it was common for
fire departments to lower requirements for women (only requiring them to drag a body out of a
fire); what's the value of a human life when compared against a woman getting what she wants?
Finally, to be truly fashionable, every ism must eventually emphasize individual glory. Thus, the
feminism focus after the 90's is defining "girl power" as whatever any woman needs it to be for
herself. The idea today is feminism should change with every generation and each person. "All
Women Are Bitches" by the all-woman band Fifth Column and the 1999 book Bitch: In Praise of
Difficult Women by Elizabeth Wurtzel are modern declarations of a woman's right to "scream,
shout, race the engine, call when I feel like it, throw tantrums in Bloomingdale's if I feel like it
and confess intimate details about my life to complete strangers. I intend to do what I want to do
and be whom I want to be and answer only to myself: that is, quite simply, the bitch philosophy."
The Third Wave of Feminism is about women never being blamed and men being seen as the
root of all evil. The first time a niece got me alone, she quietly asked the pressing question of
whether what her mother, aunts, and teachers kept telling her was true: are men responsible for
all the evil in the world? There's a growing number of women's groups (like Facebook's Women
Against Feminism) forming in opposition as feminists overtly promote greater condemnation and
hate for all men. Today's feminism (like any ism), opposed to all external restrictions, is heavily
tied to atheism. The final phase of any ism is to raise the individual as the highest authority -
even Atheism, which instead of being tied to a belief there is no god is now more about seeing
any ecclesiastical organization or power as distinguished from the state as harming people.
All this was equally true for America's religious reformation - it also came in three waves. Martin
Luther had sadly written against the Peasants Revolt he inspired (supporting even executing the
budding Anabaptists) but he couldn't prevent the Cultural Revolution he unintentionally started.
11

Luther's Reformation ended up helping bring an end to feudalism (and separating church from
state), birthing Laissez-faire capitalism, as well as starting a revival in public education (based
on needing to read the Bible for universal salvation). His priesthood of all believers became "all
men are created equal" and birthed democracy. The idea was not to end the established clergy-laity
division but to return ownership of the church back to the whole parish. Religion came to
America on the wave of emotional revivals that fed the creation of the Stone-Campbell churches
(Disciples of Christ, Christian Church, Church of Christ, etc.), Seventh-Day Adventist, Mormon,
Jehovah's Witnesses, the Unitarians, Wesleyan Church, the Free Methodist Church, the Church
of the Nazarene, Salvation Army, Church of God, World Gospel Mission, Pentecostals, as well
as countless others. Focusing on customer satisfaction, the Methodists told their preachers to
avoid arid theology, "always suit your subjects to your audience," and "choose the plainest texts
you can." The Methodist camp meetings (the 19th-century equivalent of mega-churches) rose
membership from a thousand in 1770 to a million, or one-eighth of the population, by 1815. All
were told how God saw them as extraordinary and how they deserve special "rights" in heaven.
Next was the focus on great enemies and I'm not just talking about Satan - there's homosexuals
as well as homophobia; other great religions as well as just other denominations, materialism as
well as sexism, right to choose as well as right to life, and political issues as well as politicians.
Missions changed their focus to Third-World countries despite that most were more Christian (or
Catholic) than America. Christianity couldn't survive today without enemies and without asking
God to destroy them. While we are constantly reminded that we are at war (a wholly pagan and
unbiblical idea), we go to church not to seek a safe haven from such enemies but to be assured
that we have no enemies (after detailing them all). A "good" church is one simply without conflict
(expelling any who disagree), assigning a committee to any controversy, and that comforts with
stories of pluralism (and the right to be wrong) but always providing assurances with relativism
(the right to be right all the time). All churches generally opts to criticize, marginalize, and even
expel their most creative thinkers. The first secret to success has always been finding someone
to blame for our failures. Kirk Duggan says "Once a scapegoat is identified, the dominant group
can release its rage and fear and violent sensibilities, and gain a sense of peaceful community.
By psychologically or physically eliminating or purging everybody who is different, an assembly
establishes itself." Core to fanaticism is the belief that others, like the unsaved, are inferior and
that they must come to conform to the group's absolute truth and live by the group's regulations.
Religion also grows today by the glorification of self over any group identity (where none could
get in heaven if entrance took broad endorsement from all denominations). The Mega-church or
Saddleback / Willow Creek Movement of the 1990's is founded completely on a seeker-friendly
come-to-church approach (rather than a God-friendly come-to-Jesus) using modern marketing
techniques to produce a highly polished product for a baby boomer demographic (foregoing the
traditional church symbols such as stained glass and candles as irrelevant) purposely designed
to produce church growth at the expense of other less "cool" churches. Over 70% of growth is
accomplished at the intentional expense of the "saved" members of neighboring churches and
30% is "biological" from their children (Berger, Barna, and Polomar). Their success means most
Christians at some time feel so incompatible with their church that they are compelled to leave.
A mega-church (over 2,000 members) requires a choreographed production using amplified
contemporary upbeat praise music as well as a projected video on a big screen. The production
efforts forced many to skip worship services on Christmas Day in 2005 and 2011 when it fell on
a Sunday to allow the overworked staff to spend some time with their family. These churches
have nicknames of "big box," "Wal-mart," and "Disney Churches." They focus more on personal
12

issues rather than any social justices, their message is uncomplicated and neo-conservative,
and they are champions of the universal virtues of strength, courage, and honor. The $50 million
Willow Creek Worship Center completed in 2004 (twice as big as the Hollywood Kodak Theater
and so is the largest American theater) pales by comparison to those in South Korea and Africa.
The Emerging Church Movement arose to similarly deconstruct modern Christian "dogma" and
Christian-ese "increasingly irrelevant to the prevailing culture" to maintain a safer environment
for those with opinions ordinarily rejected by traditional conservative fundamentalism. With a
focus on individual narrative experiences (ie. postmodern literary theory, social network theory,
and narrative theology), the Internet has become the central medium through blogs, websites,
and online videos. One of the fastest growing mega-emerging churches is Rob Bell's Mars Hill.
Time magazine called Rob Bell "The Hipper-Than-Thou-Pastor (Dec 6, 2007) and Christianity
Today (Nov 1, 2004) sees him as the future of Christianity with his strong appeal to the urban,
white, self-conscious, "hip" youth. Key is being "cool" with a central message that since knowing
isn't possible, let's just stick to feeling what's right. The result is surveys show ideas about who
Jesus is, grace, sin, forgiveness, faith, repentance, and obedience varies with every Christian.
I've been requested to never come back (and actually called "evil") for the questions I asked and
owning up to feeling there was significant evidence for evolution by numerous local Baptist and
Mega churches. I have also created much discomfort at many more liberal churches by voicing
arguments for the idea of objective biblical truths, but none ever outright asked me to disappear.
While the "Do-it-yourself" Home Church Movement may sound like more conservative theology,
it likewise works to bring about an "open" dialog with the surrounding culture. Many characterize
them as primarily a protest against inflexible church heritage rather than actually presenting any
genuinely constructive agenda by deriving truth with a popular "wikiality" of a group consensus.
Attempting to end theological arguments, they also believe it is better to define a person by their
actions than their beliefs. My biggest complaint about the Quakers I grew up with is that they've
made being non-violent more important that whatever motivation one has to being non-violent.
Like mega-churches and Atheists, the home-churched often preach against specific theological
doctrines, rituals, or creeds. Large institutions are increasingly incapable of meeting the needs,
or fostering the capacities, of those whom they serve and have failed to arrest the deepening
crisis in personal identity and relationships. This universal homecoming of the church is one of
the most significant social and religious movements of our time. Unlike movements of refuges or
emigrants, this is a journey toward home rather than a flight from it. Barna estimated 20 million
are so churched despite several local governments trying to use new zoning laws to bar house
church meetings (Denver and New Milford, Conn.) or limit the size and frequency of meetings.
Eckhart Tolle is the first religious prophet with corporate sponsorship. He worked with Dr. Helen
Schucman on her book "A Course in Miracles" in which she supposedly channeled from a spirit
calling itself Jesus the following truths: 1) "There is no sin," 2) "Never having sinned, man has
no need of salvation," 3) A "slain Christ has no meaning," 4) "God is in everything I see," 5) "The
recognition of the Creator is the recognition of yourself," and 6) "The oneness of the Creator and
the creation is your wholeness, your sanity, and your limitless power." The primary philosophy is
"Everything you see is the result of your thoughts." In 2008, about 35 million people participated
in a series of ten live webinars with Tolle and Oprah Winfrey. The ideas seem to be shadows of
Buddhist philosophies as Wikipedia says, "From the particular perspective of Tibetan Buddhism,
when one conceives of a particular object, the mind gives rise to the appearance of that object."
Just thinking about money can produce checks to appear in your mail (like "The Secret" movie).
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"[Tolle] told an interviewer that he stopped going to school at age 13 and didn't resume any
education for at least a decade. In the same interview he says he graduated 'with the highest
mark at the London University.' The press rep at the University of London says there's simply no
way to verify that. 'You might as well say you graduated from here,' joked the person I spoke to.
Clever. He says in interviews that he had a personal epiphany in 1977 at age 29 after a life of
suffering from suicidal depression. For the next 15 years, no one knows much about what
happened to him, and he's not saying. He says he spent time wandering and sitting in London's
parks, with 'no relationships, no job, no home, no socially defined identity,' but a sense of
'intense joy.'" (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,351545,00.html) His "glazed-over look,"
much like the stoned stare common for people in state hospital wards, is famous. Tolle claims
he didn't write his books but that they wrote him just as life is the dancer and we are the dance.
Tolle has been called "the most popular spiritual author in the United States" (2008) and in 2011
Tolle was listed by the Watkins Review as the most spiritually influential person in the world. It
would make a grand movie - history's largest revival based on someone heavily drugged in and
out of institutions, wandering homelessly for years, with only an Elementary School education.
Stephen Covey (author of the very popular wishing will make it so text, Seven Habits of Highly
Effective People) similarly states, "The more closely our maps or paradigms are aligned with
these principles or natural laws, the more accurate and functional they will be. Correct maps will
infinitely impact our personal and interpersonal effectiveness far more than any amount of effort
expanded on changing attitudes and behaviors" (7 Habits, p. 35). In The Devine Center, Covey
asserts, "Because of the incorrect map, inherited through centuries of apostasy, the sectarian
world does not understand the above concepts. It impels their minds to great accusations and
criticism of those who are correctly programmed in these matters. They call the LDS concept of
an anthropomorphic God arrogant, presumptuous, and narcissistic. Their concepts drastically
reduce man's ultimate potential (to become like God – to have the kind of life and character that
God has). As man now is, God once was. As God now is, man may become." Covey also warns
against seeking "any kind of special relationship" with Jesus Christ (Devine Center, pp. 67-69).
Many believe the old religious economy (based on bureaucratic denominations whose members
rarely attend services) should be soon replaced first by Charismatics and Pentecostals and then
by emerging home churches, as the next religious market will be based on mass customization
for more personal choice with total doctrinal flexibility, emotional support, and social services.
Finally, the Chicago Tribune (1998) called neo-paganism the fastest-growing religion in America
and Europe (where postmodern technology shock has been the highest) with the Internet also
as its prime means of proselytizing. Phyllis Curott estimated there are 5 to 10 million Wiccans in
in her 1999 Book of Shadows while others estimate as many as 10-30 million. Allied Astrology
believes that we are leaving the Age of Pisces that began about the time of Christ and are now
entering a new world order in the Age of Aquarius of one government, one language, and one
religion where everyone will be recognized as gods (during this century). Many claim "being a
Pagan is believing whatever you want" and the first Wiccan Rede is, "Do whatever you wish."
Popular Wicca book titles include "Nice Girl's Book of Naughty Spells" with spells for how to get
everything you want and "Power Spells" on how to get the upper hand in any situation. They're
formal enough to have initiation rites and Witchcraft diplomas. But, since lying, forced control
over others, casual sex, drugs, and any disobedience is encouraged by the religion, it's hard to
imagine what Wiccan followers might consider to be an "evil" deed. Many believe in a path for a
sort of salvation but it's without repentance (Wicca means never saying you're sorry) and based
on a pantheism perceiving little difference from person to person, person to god, or good to bad.
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Popular films and television programs, such as The Craft (where spells were intentionally done
with mistakes in order to mislead viewers), Practical Magic, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Buffy
the Vampire Slayer, Harry Potter, Blair Witch Project, Free Spirit, The Worst Witch, Teen Witch,
Sorceress, Witchcraft 1-8, Sleepy Hollow, Teen Sorcery, Simply Irresistible, Charmed, and the
Witch's Daughter are aimed at attracting children (especially girls, as most characters are very
pretty young females) to the idea that being a witch is like being a superhero born with special
powers that ordinary (mostly male) "Muggles" lack and can never attain. The claim is made in
the movie Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone: "There is no good and evil, there is only power
and those too weak to seek it." The Key of Solomon is the most famous of all Wicca textbooks.
It is supposedly written by the Biblical son of David. This should not be confused with the Key of
David (to all Godly power) John wrote about in Revelation, the key to Hades (Revelation 1:7), or
the Key to Heaven (Matthew 16:19). The Key of Solomon offers lessons in using the positions of
Jupiter for acquiring all you want, Mars to cause "ruin, slaughter, cruelty, discord, to wound, and
to give death" and summoning souls from Hades (especially those of violent deaths), Sun for
wealth, favor of princesses, and (also using Jupiter and Venus) for invisibility, Venus for joyous
undertakings, poisons, and provocation of madness, Mercury for fortune telling, thefts, deceit,
and merchandise, Moon for envoys and nocturnal visions, Saturn (with Mars and the Moon) for
summoning Spirits and stealing back what had been earlier taken by others and experiments of
hatred, enmity, quarrel, and discord, as well as Mercury for experiments in raillery and jests.
Such powers are even mentioned in the New Testament as the Magi bearing gifts for Christ
were members of a Zorasterian priestly class of Persians who had occult knowledge and power,
skills in astrology, dream interpretation, fortune-telling, and mediation with the spirit world.
In 1951, laws prohibiting the practice of witchcraft in England were repealed and soon thereafter
in 1954 Gardner published his book, Witchcraft Today, though many viewed this as a violation
of their vows to remain secret. One of his students Alexander Sanders later rewrote Gardnerian
rituals and practices into yet another Wiccan tradition. In 1971, Dianic Wicca began to emerge
and focuses on the worship of the ancient Greek Goddess and consequently, a high percentage
of women and feminist beliefs are found in Dianic covens. By far, most modern pagans are
estimated to be members of Dianic type (that exclude men) or eclectic covens (not part of any
specific craft). Those not part of a coven are called Solitaries. Some groups, such as the Church
of All Worlds, acknowledge one another as manifestations of deity, addressing each other in
ritual as "Thou art God, Thou art Goddess." In some groups each person has their own deities.
Many observe dancing naked under the moonlight. All Wicca traditions have three main beliefs:
1) The Wiccan Rede related to Aleister Crowly's statement that "Do what you will is the whole of
the law;" 2) The Threefold Law (mostly confined to the Gardnerian-based Wiccans) which states
a person's deeds return to him/her three times over; and, 3) Reincarnation where some believe
a soul is continually reborn while others believe once a soul learns all their life lessons (I have
never found what these lessons might be), it is granted eternal rest in Summerlands. Satanists
(such as the Temple of Set) don't want to be lumped with the Wiccans (any more than Wiccans
want to be lumped with them) and consider Wiccans to be weak and ineffectual. As proof, world
order groups are often satanic: Skull and Bones, Brotherhood of Death, and Knights of Eulogia.
Defining and prioritizing one's needs and the acquisition of relationships in order to meet them is
the basis for the personality development arrestment or inflated "false" self called Narcissism
(synonymous with lying and intimacy problems). A narcissist might exclaim, "What have you
done for me lately" while building a false self-worth beneath a layer of deception. They thusly
often seek people who can be controlled and manipulated emotionally. Being depressed, upset,
abused, and discussing it openly, is something they will look for – in other words weaknesses.
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The driven, high energy, hard working, hard playing, focused and occupied, success oriented,
and dedicated person is often ignorant of owning such strategic vulnerabilities. Narcissists are
characterized as very possessive, describe others in relationships as needing them, as well as
generally find a high degree of congruence between controlling behavior and their world- and
self-view. Narcissists focus on but complaining about external issues and people rather than the
internal self. Real love and respect is not about what one gets from a relationship and does not
come from control. "Real" love is not possible for narcissists which is impossible for them to see.
Any wide-ranging cause, religion, corporate identity (or gang or cult) will naturally encourage
such personality impediment to allow for replacing individual thinking with the group fanaticism.
Any attempts to override such natural group identity that but lives off of the human essence of
its members by defining overriding moral imperatives after the naturally blood sucking group
character has been defined will fail (as per Six-Sigma studies) and must be done at the onset of
developing the group to be effective. A corporate Value Statement is a list of things the group
commits to never doing even if required for the group to survive or to flourish. A Team Charter
includes expectations of members and consequences of failure including fulfilling such values.
In his "Religion and Naturwissenschaft," Dr. Planck (famous for his quantum theory work and
Plank's Constant) stated, "There can never be any real opposition between religion and science;
for the one is the complement of the other. Every serious and reflective person realizes, I think,
that the religious element in his nature must be recognized and cultivated if all the powers of the
human soul are to act together in perfect balance and harmony. And indeed it was not by
accident that the greatest thinkers of all ages were deeply religious souls." Nobel Prize winner in
Physics Dr. Millian additionally wrote about the important relationship between faith and reason
in "Evolution in Science and Religion" and physicist Dr. Jaki authored dozens of books on the
relationship between modern science and orthodox Christianity (like The Savior of Science).
Additionally, books have been written by Drs. Barbour and McMullin. Christianity has always
been a great patron of science (historians of science widely recognize the contribution of the
Roman Catholic Church) just as the Vatican is currently the world's largest private financial
supporter of large telescopes. In "Science was Born of Christianity," Dr. Trasancos writes how it
was only by the church bringing an end to the ancient worldview of an eternally cycling universe
that we led to the Scientific Revolution and its key concepts like the Big Bang Theory. The point
it not about some superiority of thought by Christians but a concern that science is returning to a
time when it did not thrive as a self-sustaining enterprise that discovered systems of physical
laws but instead viewed the world as unpredictable and magical. Forcing patterns (by fudging
data) with suggestions that not everything is knowable and measurable seems the new religion.
Not only has science, paganism, and national causes failed such healthy self-sustaining efforts
for honest accountability, so has Christianity and no new American denomination has been able
to sustain early geometric church growth past the lifetime of their charismatic church founder.
The "Great Awakenings" did however drive the scientific age (based on more public access to a
basic education), the industrial age (based on fairer access to opportunity and social systems of
support like welfare to encourage greater risk taking), and the information age (based on more
democratic access to decision making). Poverty was seen as the by-product of broader flaws in
society rather than as but the wages of sin. Economics Nobel Prize winner Dr. Fogel argues we
are again passing through a fourth Great Awakening of equality of purpose (based on values
and visions) adding to that of knowledge, opportunity, and politics as a fresh relational base for
a new Symbiotic Age as the foundation to a New Economy where end-to-end solutions are built
on large networks of small companies (already producing over half of all U.S. growth). This will
naturally cause disruptions in any old social norms that fail to cross ethnic, class, and status
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boundaries. And so, we are left unable to trust our families (and so experience higher rates of
divorce) as well as strangers (and experience higher rates of crime). "Spiritual (or immaterial)
inequity is now as great a problem as material inequity, perhaps even greater." (Fogel, 2002)
Through all these revolutions, though, we have forgotten how to have a real adult conversation.
Brief tweets with fragmented sentences and truncated words leave little room for complex ideas.
Wiccans, Christians, Atheists, and Feminists all base their realities primarily on control by all
powerful individuals based on secret knowledge and a basic belief that life is somehow fair. All
with a sort of mysticism that maintains ultimate truth is knowable intuitively or apart from rational
thought or objective reality and only subjective experiences should define doctrine (it's easier).
David Koresh, David Berg, Reverend Moon, Victor Wierwille, Lord Maitreya, and even Charles
Manson managed "good" deeds but also made megalomania claims of being divine sovereigns.
The reality is that you are not special; you have no special powers, intelligence, or talents. You
are not better in any way than others (as any small differences bring just as many advantages
as disadvantages). The best solutions are not simple. Surface issues are always but symptoms
and attempting to solve or cure them will only make things worse. Working to construct a core
group identity that is honest and meaningful is more important than even our individual identity.
How we recreate ourselves, first in things like our phone, our music collection, our home, and
our heroes, but finally in the mash-up collage of our associations is nothing but a marketed self.
"I believe that there are no innate, intrinsic differences among a human being, a baboon,
or a grain of sand." ― Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. (The Essential Holmes, 1992, p. 108)
Do I just not like people? The only way I can like people is to assume the problems are with
me – leaving me a codependent, overworked, depressed neurotic toiling to help; and two thirds
of us are exactly such dissociated neurotics (half even clinically so) with doctor visits, aging, and
employee absenteeism (in the extreme, even autism) being most often the result of but neurotic
stress. But, not liking people would create a disconnected persecuted personality at high risk for
addictions and reckless behavior as an emotional vampire; and a third of us prefer jobs allowing
the control of others in counseling, teaching, law enforcement, religion, and middle management
(with half clinically so disordered). Drs. Brodsky and Leymann have long shown such disordered
bullies are the primary cause of absenteeism and health problems (in schools and workplaces).
We are all but live roles today as either anti-socials (or Lizards - later), Zombies, or Fresh Meat.
The choice may not be ours to make but may be but our genetics that decide for us. It seems
the third of us with personality disorders have a genetic predisposition and those with neurotic
fears have a different predisposition to the great abuse that occurs to about half of all children.
Why are there basically only two choices: neurotic or disordered? Being raised on Entity Theory
concepts such as a spiritual war or yin and yang left us only able to see problems in our "bad"
selves to still love them or to blame others ("bad" manipulative or weak people) in order to love
ourselves. No matter how we define Hell, we all know somebody belongs there. In fact, no one
has a greater need to blame and polarize than Americans: we have 4% of the world's population
but 25% of its prisoners. How I met my best friend from college was by asking him if thought he
had to have the "right" beliefs to get into heaven and he agreed. I asked if not agreeing meant a
person, say myself, would go to Hell and he agreed. Then, I asked if he could suspend disbelief
for just a moment and imagine an ironic situation where my beliefs turned out to be "right" and
his were "wrong" and whether that would mean I would go to Heaven and he to Hell and he also
agreed. I said that it then seemed his belief in Hell and that damn someone had to go there was
greater than any other. Failing to separate problems from individuals, we end up seeing people
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only in terms of being disobedient, cruel, lazy, embarrassing, or just looking for attention instead
of in the far more useful environmental terms of whether the required effort is simply too hard,
too stressful, or merely about needing some help. Although we prefer to deny our effects on
others, ALL emotional problems are at least partially brought on by unhealthy environments. No
matter how much we might claim to love our kids, we never admit to our part in their troubles all
the while making big speeches about them taking more responsibility. That's why the unknown
effects of harsh untested drugs are preferred over any family therapy that might include parental
blame (certainly over Multi-Systemic Therapy with its review of counselor competency issues).
Despite all the evidence suggesting the quality and fit of our environments trumps any genetics
(Dr. Phelps, 2005), Americans refuse to consider anything but a fate from birth. It doesn't matter
that "the Cambridge Handbook of Expertise and Expert Performance (2006) makes a rather
startling assertion: the trait we commonly call talent is highly overrated. Or, put another way,
expert performers 'whether in memory or surgery, ballet or computer programming' are nearly
always made, not born." (Drs. Steven Leavitt and Stephen Dubner, from The New York Times
Magazine, authors of Freakonomics). Dr. Bruer states in The Myth of the First Three Years how
no early stimulation can do better than later encouragement and deep practice with effective
feedback in overcoming any birth deformity or home life. Using instead the idea of just "smart"
or not, seven of ten employees are neither motivated nor competent to perform the basic tasks
of their job. Malcolm Gladwell tells in Outliers: the Story of Success how today only lucky breaks
and arbitrary advantages are the real source of most successes. He tells of Dr. Barnsley finding
how the best hockey players are five times more likely born in January than November, baseball
players are almost twice as likely born in August than July, and soccer players are most likely
born in September (now January), due to the arbitrary age cut offs done in the respective kid's
leagues. Why is this? Young children born just after the cut off age are quite logically larger than
those born just before and so perform better. Kids bigger from being older are called "naturally
gifted" and receive the most encouragement and training, what is in reality key for any success.
But, we completely reject any possibility that this might be true as doing so would open the door
for facing the reality we must likewise take responsibility for creating "stories of failure" as well.
And so, we all tell the lie that not everyone can be a champion, that only a few have the chance.
Dr. Donald E. Simanek wrote in 1995, "I feel we'll NEVER make progress toward reversing the
decline in academic achievement until we purge the schools of the scourge of sports." Studies
have reported higher rates of substance use among males involved in male-dominated sports
(Drs. Eitle and Turner, 2003: The deterrence hypothesis reexamined: Sports participation and
substance use among young adults; Drs. Moore and Werch, 2005: Sport and physical activity
participation and substance use among adolescents). Moreover, economists at the University of
Oregon in 2011 showed when a college football team is successful; all students (and not just
the athletes) put down their books and pick up some beers. "Our results support the concern
that big-time sports are a threat to American higher education," wrote the paper's authors, Drs.
Jason M. Lindo, Isaac D. Swensen and Glen R. Waddell. They said their work was among the
first to take a look at the "nonmonetary costs" of college sports. After statistically tying student
GPAs to team successes, a follow-up survey additionally confirmed that both male and female
students were more likely to skip classes and party in the wake of a win as compared to a loss.
"Conditional sports scholarships based on athletic performance (presently awarded on a year-to-
year basis in NCAA Division 1 colleges) may imply that access to education depends more
on athletic rather than academic performance. Such scholarships may also suggest that sports
receive too much emphasis in college." (Neil Laughlin, Journal of College and Character, v4i7,
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2003) High non-graduation rates of college athletes is especially distasteful to those who think
the mission of colleges should be the intellectual and moral development of students and raises
concerns related to the exploitation of athletes. Plus, the national Threat Assessment Group (or
TAG) report on Columbine showed the number one antecedent for Columbine like violence is a
school whose heroes are athletes instead of academics (whose trophy case should be filled with
math, engineering, and chess awards). I like to compare sports to sex; participation is good but
only the most perverse need to watch (ha ha). But, why do we need athletic heroes? Why do we
need heroes in general? I don't mean mythical stories of hope, but golden pedestals for a few?
When my youngest son was studying the differences between various dragon myths, I told him I
thought the similarities were more interesting. All dragons steal: German dragons hoarded gold,
Iranian dragons horded water, and Japanese dragons horded knowledge. Why isn't this taught?
I asked my son if he knew how a dragon could be blamed for failing farmland to get the farmer
off the hook. He answered using dragon spit for English dragons. I then asked him whose job it
was to "solve" any dragon problem; the farmer? No, it's the knight's job. In this way, the farmer's
natural laziness to not work in the farthest field is never exposed and everyone is happy. This is
exactly why we are still so passionate about identifying the "dragons" (bad people) and "white
knights" (super heroes) – it removes any need for us to be personally responsible for anything. If
we are going to universally refuse to accept any responsibility for our children's actions, clearly
we're not going to admit to any social responsibility for hunger, violence, depression, or lack of
awareness in others. For one thing, doing so would lead to accepting blame for our own failures
as well. And so, I think we can all agree stories of unfair Murphy's Law are far more entertaining.
In Shakespeare's Richard the III, Lady Anne has every reason to hate Richard. He murdered
her father-in-law and her husband and helped to kill her father. And yet, she marries him. Her
transformation provides Richard his first real success, and he is elated by it. Why does Anne
capitulate? She tells us she had grown grossly captive to his honeyed flattery. There is no force
but Anne is unable to maintain her strong rejection. Richard also plots to kill Clarence for the
crown. When the assassins arrive at the prison where Clarence is held, they present their pass
to the head officer, Brackenbury. He is faced with a choice: Should he let the murderers in to kill
Clarence or not? He says, as he reads over the commission, "I will not reason what is meant
hereby, because I will be guiltless of the meaning." Brackenbury may think this evasion makes
him innocent; quite clearly it does not. Richard's successful climb to power in this play is not
simply a tribute to his own skill; it is also a manifestation of the moral weaknesses of others.
Richard's success depends upon the refusal of others to stand up and see him for what he is.
Providing Richard this "gift" allows others to similarly refuse to see themselves honestly either.
We refuse to see the innate destructiveness in others as that would only allow others to see us.
My third wife and I went through pre-marital counseling through our church in which she was
deemed an unfit mother and the counselor beseeched my pastor to break us up. Neither he nor
I would listen to this excellent advice. How could anyone fail counseling? I would suggest it was
done intentionally as a way of saying, "I can say or do anything without consequences." Our gift
of giving her the benefit of doubt allowed us to avoid seeing our own involvement. Moriarty in
the second season's concluding episode of the new Sherlock series says the same thing when
he intentionally gets arrested and mounts no defense. Psychopaths succeed in this world due to
the guaranteed moral complicity of all involved. We're all either Lady Anne or Sir Brackenbury.
I will describe four married men to you. The first admitted to Dr. Frank Farley (past president of
the American Psychological Association) to having hundreds of affairs before 40 and then joked
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how he had tried to cut down. The second only had affairs with powerful women (sharing with
his brother), emotionally breaking them to the point one committed suicide. The third guy liked
to sleep with weak, poor women and was so flattering he managed to seduce 5 or 6 women into
his bed every night (Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall is quoted to having personally
reviewed the extensive documentation in both the Williams and Abernathy autobiographies).
The final man beat his wife and children and after turning 30 only slept with teenage girls. He
doggedly lied about such crude behavior despite confirmation from photos and his closest aid.
All of these men are widely loved and respected (and their wives stayed married to them). So,
they are not the problem ; we are, as is the basis and process we use to develop our opinions.
While being a sexual predator is a characteristic of the sociopathic lack of empathy, we routinely
excuse such men (and similar "spider" women) for their indiscretions and low morals. So, which
of the fore-mentioned sexaholics do you think would make the best role model for your children?
Perhaps, their names will help you choose: President Clinton, President Kennedy, Martin Luther
King, Jr, and Gandhi. Despite all your life experiences, I bet your "picker" is no better than mine.
Dr. Ghaemi asserts in his latest book, A First-Rate Madness (2011), that mental illness and a
self-destructive manic daring makes people more attractive to us as leaders. Churchill made
frequent references to his manic depression (he called it his "black dog") that were sometimes
connected with traumatic external events such as his dismissal from the Admiralty, but often
not. In times of great stress, crazies can be helpful by being good at recognizing loonies. Bi-polar
Churchill saved the world by recognizing and being willing to confront Hitler's monstrosity.
Dr. Anthony Storr wrote, "A leader of sober judgment might well have concluded that we were
finished." The incurably depressed (like Lincoln) often exhibit characteristics of great empathy,
creativity, and stark realism which can be useful in identifying and confronting the paranoia and
impulsiveness of psychopaths (exacerbated in Hitler by massive doses of methamphetamine).
Such a task should not be taken lightly for any empath (now, I don't mean someone capable of
psychic connections to ETs, but someone who excessively feels emotions, the opposite of a
psychopath as measured by Hare's Checklist). First, the psychopath is smart and organized.
Then, other monster personalities will be attracted to you due to your excessive emotions with
the hopes of controlling you (as psychopathic manipulation has been linked to empathy) as well
as seeing the control of your emotions as fit replacement for having any of their own. Finally, the
world of other Zombies will likely take their side; a University of North Carolina study found rude
sociopaths are three times more likely to be promoted. So, NEVER take them on by yourself.
Chronic anxiety helps one identify anger in others and severe despondency (even if forced) can
contribute to increased attentiveness and enhanced problem-solving. Great fear and sadness
have been seen as advantageous in every society. While even under the most trying conditions,
a psychopath will never worry about, for example, leaving the gas on or experience the pain of
creation (nor consider either of any value). A psychopath doesn't see clouds, only silver linings.
They also have no ego problems. They can easily make themselves small by being the cripple
or the freak so that others will underestimate them. "If there's one thing that psychopaths have
in common, it's the consummate ability to pass themselves off as normal everyday folk while
behind the facade -- the brutal, brilliant disguise -- beats the refrigerated heart of a ruthless,
glacial predator." (Dr. Kevin Dutton, 2012) You might hire or partner with one, but you can never
trust or turn your back on one. They're powerfully wild animals that can never be domesticated.
What type of person can get us to gleefully surrender our money, relationships, and happiness?
Dr. Ted Bililies and Dr. William Bridges say they're STJs on the Myers-Briggs personality test.
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Half of our presidents have been STJs. (Please Understand Me I and II by Drs. Keirsey and
Bates). Why shouldn't we put practical, tough-minded, commanding people in charge? "Striving
for efficiency, [STJs] may produce a work force full of hostility, stress, and absenteeism." (Dr.
Otto Krueger, Type Talk at Work, 1991) "Creativity gets killed much more often than supported."
(Dr. Amabile, 1999) In fact, Dr. Gough showed (1981) there's no one with less creativity. But, we
seem to prefer rigid and boring leaders who over-manage and under-lead, producing arrogant
and bureaucratic cultures designed to reinforce the status quo and foil any touchy-feely types.
21
"Great and good are seldom the same man." Winston Churchill
The movies about "heroic" teachers (such as Marva Collins, Ron Clark, David McNulty), are all
sort of lies as those teachers would never have been so successful without the help of others
not shown. In 1987, 26% of all Mexican American students who passed the AP Calculus exams
attended Garfield High School. The 1989 movie Stand and Deliver about Dr. Escalante never
tells how he lied (he told students school rules forbade them from dropping out and he told their
parents law required him to call immigration if their kids didn't attend school) or how his fellow
teachers routinely sent him hate mail. It also never mentions the critically needed expertise of
the principal and school counselor. After the movie came out, many involved were reassigned
and Jaime fired. The number of AP students fell from 450 in 1987 to just 4. The nine teachers
and two aids Escalante hired were all fired or forced to quit. In response to their complaints as
they were leaving, the incoming principal said, "They're just disgruntled former employees, such
backbiting only hurts the kids." John Perex, VP of the Teachers Union, told the press (1990),
"Jaime didn't get along with some of the teachers at his school." Jay Mathews, Washington Post
columnist and author of The Best Teacher in America asked, "What's up with a system that
values working with others more highly than effectiveness?" Joe Williams, Executive Director of
the Democrats for Education Reform, wrote "I don't understand why parents are not lighting fires
and hurling rocks every night through the Mayor's windows. I'm not joking – it's astonishing."
The parents, though, only went back to yelling at their children. Just as disheartened Christians
start a new church rather than fix the old one, we also prefer to just move on. "We can produce
many examples of how educational practice could look different, but we can produce few, if any,
examples of teachers engaging in these practices" (Elmore, 1995). "People still believe in the
tradition of dedicated, self-sacrificing school teachers. They don't know how the profession has
changed. What was once the poor man's burden has become everyone's." (Marva Collins) Why
do we keep allowing this to happen? We see ourselves as but famers in need of a White Knight.
We feel weak and think we can't make a difference and so give up and blame others. Or worse,
we give up, blame ourselves, and think up ways to remove ourselves from the world. George
Mckenna turned around one of the worst schools in LA as principal (1986), but 122 of his 142
teachers quit and the remaining 20 still complain today about the work load. McKenna was
discouraged after sharing his ideas at a 1983 White House conference on school violence, "The
President's people wanted to crack down on kids, but I'd rather crack down on the system."
The Flower Wars was a ritualized warfare between the Aztecs and their enemies to meet the
need for war captives for use in sacrificial rituals as an agreed way to reduce the population
during times of famine as well as provide social structure (political power for the ruling class,
social mobility for the lower classes, and coercion for social norms). The Aztec warriors were
trained to prefer capturing their enemies in battle over killing them and were quite shocked by
the opposite behavior exhibited the Spanish Conquistadores. Our own Flower Wars between
expert bully and victim are likewise designed to never end (and both are more likely to choose

suicide). To do so, we must give up our heroes and villains and see the world with a relational
worldview. Gandhi identified the basic principle of power by showing "even the most despotic
bureaucracy cannot stand except for the consent of the governed" (1945) even though as Gene
Sharp said, "you get a bloody mess when people stand up and want change." (2012) Suicidal
feelings (free from Confirmation Bias) can encourage a rebellion against such mobbed tyranny.
One American social group built more on a list of moral priorities rather than particular social
problems is the Rotary Club founded by a Chicago attorney in 1904 to advance an American
small town atmosphere to encouraging ethics in business practices including the support of
humanitarian services. The name originated from the practice of rotating meetings among the
professional office of its members (although the group grew too large for such a practice within
a year). Their mottos are "Service Above Self" and "One profits most who serves best." What
exactly are traditional small-town American values (often called New England values)? 1) Be
supportive of mixing (not melting) our foreign cultures and people; 2) Be humble, honest, fair,
and pay close attention to family, community, and beliefs; 3) Be socially involved and vote; 4)
Pay attention to social norms about safety and personal appearance while also respecting non-conformity:
we are all born equal and should be measured by what we produce; 5) Appreciate
being well-rounded with respect to education, reading, arts, as well as sports; and 6) Identify
with such common values over common birth: one cannot be un-British, or un-French, or un-
Mexican as only in America are these values more important than where one might be born.
Socialist countries like to suggest a greater adherence to such values but then why do most still
support a monarchy that is so opposed to American beliefs of equality? What I am most proud
of as an American is that our nation has never had a viable Socialist Party (when Canada has
two of them) or Conservative Tory Party (as has been so dominate in British politics for the past
four centuries) as in the end all our politics are really middle of the road (despite the complete
lack of recognition for such in the media). Rotary, however, doesn't support open membership
(one must be invited) and only allowed women after being forced by the U.S. Supreme Court.
The largest membership segment is middle-aged White men (few Asians) and separate groups
now exist divided by age with Interact for 12 to 18 year olds and Rotaract for 18 to 30 year olds.
The core values include Leadership (promoting the illusion that all members are special leaders
of the community) when Follow-ship or Team Creators would have been far more equalitarian.
Science has show the core value of integrity is but a foolish delusion and many complain they
rarely challenge their membership (or employees), are bureaucratic with poor communication, a
good-old-boy cliquish atmosphere that usually onle removes their best and brightest, and really
focuses on just raising more donations for an ever shrinking top-heavy executive administration.
The post-information age is just getting started. Many seem confused about what it means. We
didn't give up farms when entering the Industrial Age, we didn't close factories in the Information
Age, and we're certainly not giving up our fancy technology gadgets any time soon. Farms were
industrialized and factories were re-engineered around information. Americans no longer usually
consider themselves farmers or factory workers, but as knowledge workers. But, those jobs are
now being outsourced more often than any other. While those jobs are still being recommended,
their days are numbered. The Industrial Age was about "stuff" and the Industrial Age was about
more "stuff;" making stuff, marketing stuff, buying stuff, and filling landfills with stuff. But, we're
slowly realizing all that stuff didn't help. America, the richest and best stuff country on earth, has
shorter life spans, more mental illness, more obesity, more people in prison, and more income
disparity than any other developed nation (even than Iran). We are tired of being overloaded
with too much useless information or worse too often confuse information with understanding.
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Elijah (Hebrew) or Elias (Greek) is a name evoked in many Jewish customs as a generic term
for prophets who are or will be an "opening act" for some greater revelation (just as Washington
has come to refer to a government which the man "opened"). Typically, prophets were nearly all
ignored and persecuted while at the same time preparing us (just like great artists). Such judges
were different from "kings" (who created a world where death and taxes are assumed). A lot of
Christians claim to have the "gift" of encouragement, but most remind me of the Peanuts comic
strips in which Linus and Charlie Brown are all bundled up on a snowy, wintry day. They spot
Snoopy shivering in the cold. Desiring to comfort him, they walk over to him. Linus speaks first,
"Be of good cheer, Snoopy." Charlie Brown adds, "Yes, be of good cheer." With Snoopy left still
shivering, they turn and walk away. Proper encouragement carries us beyond words to deeds.
Depression is not typically an illness needing cured; more often it is life that needs putting right.
Dr. Limentani (1984) stresses even the worst perversions are not illnesses, but just symptoms.
Real help is not back patting, casserole making, or magical thinking, but about a practical step-by-
step plan to provide the escape God promises in 1 Corinthians 10:13. To live for ideas and
not the underlying ideals leaves us with what Maslow called a Mediocrity Personality Disorder. I
believe we are all called to a universal Elijah-hood to "open" a future of revolutionary openness.
I also believe our thoughts of suicide, of self-denial, are healthy... IF we can survive them, open
our eyes to our lying egos, and join together to experience life in ways we simply can't alone.
Many psychologists argue there are feelings that can only be experienced as a group, called
inter- and intra-group feelings. They are most notable when in contradiction to personal feelings.
Many people feel shame for what their country has done or sympathy for what's been done to
some segment even though they aren't a member of that group (Mackie, Devos, Smith, 1993).
Adults with more experience and knowledge will ordinarily have a more "structured" worldview
than children; this disparity typically produces chronic misunderstandings where children are
then seen as "difficult" and adults are seen as "out of touch." The resulting relational (and not
individual) Borderline pathology (worsened from Entity Theory conflicts and a need to blame) is
often marked by paranoia, impulsivity, rejection sensitivity, as well as a sense of invincibility in
all family members that become the primary hindrance to any individual growth. This is naturally
a key issue at home or school. Even so, simply seeing problems merely as the result of unmet
or disrupted developmental needs using mirroring and idealizing can very effectively provide an
empathetic unifying framework as a basis for healing and performance strategies. While there is
no therapy that can "cure" an individual's Borderline pathology, these efforts can in fact literally
cure the organizational pathology. True communal wellness is possible while individual health is
not. Perception discrepancies are the key hurdle that unique group qualities can overcome. The
problem is we insist on only addressing problems individually (which are mostly unaddressable).
Drs. Cloud and Townsend (cloudtownsend.com) showed in "How People Grow" the notions of
think it and do it or remember and get over it have limited value as only relational efforts work. A
friend recently claimed the proof of his daughter's bi-polar condition was that she had been in
therapy for decades. Forget the old joke of insanity being defined by doing the same thing over
and over expecting difference results and imagine what it might've taken for him to instead say
WE'VE been in therapy for decades (say, with Behavioral Family Systems Therapy, BFST). And
yet, few attempts have been made to empirically study the outcomes of family, couple, or group
psychotherapy integration. Why? I would assume there is sadly a small market for such efforts.
Other group pathologies include St John's Syndrome, when parents only go through the routine
motions and children merely see other family members as a means to an end; Koinonitis, when
interpersonal relationships are so deep and absorbing that the family largely ignores the world
23

around them and activities tend to be centripetal rather than centrifugal; Schizophrenic (best
met with better time management and working on a mission definition) or common paranoia
(when external intervention efforts will likely have antagonistic responses); and, Narcissistic,
Megalomaniacal, and Theomanic (see The Paranoid Corporation by Cohen and Choen, 1993).
The Organizational Effectiveness Continuum is a rubric from Ineffective to Effective rating family
performance as either Reactive (challenges are met with efforts that are always struggling to
keep up), Responsive (a more stable environment, but not a dynamic one), Proactive (with an
analytical process that is good at anticipating changing needs and good at adapting), Interactive
(more visionary where the family works as a whole, are healthy, and work on connectedness),
or Inspired (with great creativity, habitually exceed all environmental and genetic constraints or
conditioning). Any family not able to perceive its own pathology will naturally destroy itself (by
refusing to notice feelings of inadequacy and projecting blame instrumentally everywhere) as
health starts with consciousness (or Serge's "presence"). It is vital to determine if any current
solutions have been coerced as attempts to just cover up problems and work to untwist thinking
(Dr. Burns *). Fishbowl Exercises use three chairs (or groups of chairs) for Parent(s), Child(ren),
and Friends (or therapist). Each person (or group) will explain their position. Then everyone
switches chairs and positions (twice). Don't focus on the past or present, work on any "issues,"
suggest changing other's personalities, or heal anyone's anxiety or dysfunction. Instead, focus
on the future by clarifying core values, setting personally meaningful goals, and encouraging
efforts (aka tools and structures) for family members to accomplish more tasks on their own.
After trying unsuccessfully to cure alcoholism by means of psychoanalysis, Dr. Jung concluded
alcoholism could not be treated by either medical or psychodynamic techniques. He reasoned
the underlying problem was spiritual emptiness and wrote in a letter to Bill Wilson (AA founder),
"I am strongly convinced that the evil principle prevailing in this world leads the unrecognized
spiritual need into perdition, if it is not counteracted either by real religious insight or by the
protective wall of human community. An ordinary man, not protected by an action from above
and isolated in society, cannot resist the power of evil." Or, quality relationships are everything.
The first two steps of the AA 12-step program is much like the 3-step suicide plan of facing life's
most basic truth: "My life is unmanageable and I am powerless." Getting past the normal step of
self-destruction is to admit there is no logical way to live, another suicide of sorts. Dr. Pittman
(1989) believed the only hope for philanderers, being driven mostly by fears of being controlled,
was in fact surrendering control to someone else, an ideal, or a "higher power;" finding faith in a
higher power, your family, or a "gang" of people with similar values (and not common interests).
The quantity of wide-ranging viewpoints in different (mostly discarded) psychological models, in
fact, has lead to the increasing likelihood that "conceptual clarity will not result in one unified
theory of motivation" (Pintrich, 1991, p. 201) and the need "to consider frameworks larger than
the self" (Weiner, 1990, p 621). In 1968 Maslow said, "I consider [Humanistic Psychology] to be
transitional, a preparation for still 'higher' psychology, transpersonal, transhuman, centered in
the cosmos rather than in human needs and interest, going beyond humanness, identity, self-actualization,
and the like ; Without the transcendent and the transpersonal, we get sick,
violent, and nihilistic, or else hopeless and apathetic. We need something 'bigger than we are' to
be awed by and to commit ourselves to in a new, naturalistic, empirical, non-churchy sense." To
me, "non-churchy" doesn't mean without a church but without the simplified pap designed to but
promote a false sense of happiness based on diverting all blame and responsibility elsewhere.
According to Viktor Frankl, a person's aspirations for a meaningful existence deal with the
spiritual dimension of human existence (1959). Frankl's peer humanistic psychologist Sidney M.
Jourard submitted, "At the time organization is optimum, the human person is characterized
24

subjectively by such states as absorbing, interest, intense commitment to some goal or value,
faith in God. Some assumption such as that of 'spirit; and 'inspiriting' is necessary to account for
a broad range of phenomena not understood, though reliably observed." (1964, p.80) Dr. Dunn
(1959, 1961, 1977) introduced the concept of wellness that is widely associated with today's
emphasis on health and wellness programs. Dr. Dunn stated in 1959, "Unless there is a reason
for living, unless there is a purpose in our life, we cannot possibly achieve high-level wellness."
Spiritual well-being is basically the measure of success in fulfilling any person's basic desire to
find and model an ultimate individual meaning and purpose in an interconnected existence.
While there is a widely held misconception that spirituality is synonymous with religion, spiritual
well-being is a concept widely used in research studies. It focuses on the quality of relationships
while religion focuses on specific theological doctrines, rituals, and creeds. We need to return to
valuing mixing rather than melting specific beliefs as we enter an age based on improving the
quality of our relationship, or our spirituality. And, two models have been developed to measure
spiritual well-being: the Stoll, Banks, Hungelmann, and Brukhardt Web model and the Mobherg,
Ellison, and Paloutzian Cruciform Model. Investigations have found a mixed SWB scale to be
significantly related to depression and loneliness (Paloutzian and Ellison, 1982), self-esteem
(Campise, Ellison, and Kinsman, 1979; Marto, 1983), response to treatment of chronic pain
(Mullins, 1985), hypertension (Hawkins, 1986; Mullins, 1985; Sherman, 1986), eating disorder
patient groupings (Sherman, 1986), marital satisfaction (Mashburn, 1986), coping skills and
feelings of connectedness, employment status, and family closeness (Jang, 1986), anxiety
(Kaczorowski, 1989), and coping with terminal illness (Reed, 1987, 1992). The Spiritual Well-
Being Scale is an extensively examined instrument, and it has long been proven highly reliable
for assessing one's general level of spiritual well-being (Brinkman, 1989). When I say belief is
shown to be healthy, some will ask about the value in believing in Santa Claus. Well, science
hasn't studied that yet but functional MRIs have in fact shown when religious people are shown
pictures of faith icons their brains are activated in ways that can be actively used to control pain.
There are many good reasons for spirituality, religion, ethics, and values to be encouraged. The
blueprint for building communities of trust within any communal setting must include ethical and
spiritual principles. From the creation of mission statements to their tactical implementations, the
broad application of values can enable organizations to better nourish its human systems. While
spirituality runs counterintuitive to the prevailing thoughts of money, profit margins, job security,
market share, and the active pursuit of political power, McKnight (1984) and many others have
argued that when individuals or organizations deny the spiritual nature of our being that the loss
is enormous in terms of reduced enthusiasm, effort, collaboration, creativity, commitment, goal
setting, performance quality, persistence, and habitually demonstrated courage. He suggested
the problem was the failure to encourage people to engage in some kind of greater purpose. Dr.
Serges' Presence (which Harvard Business Review calls the most important book in 75 years)
says corporate profit requires Holy-Spirit like inspiration. Youths are less likely to be victims of
violence if they attend religious services (Howard, Qiu,& Boekeloo, 2003). The same argument
can be made for gangs, well healthy gangs. Violence can only be truly addressed when gangs
are seen as an asymptotic key to the solution instead of only as a primary entity root cause (as
gangs are but a natural result of the relational disorganization of disfranchised ethnicities: Irish,
Italian, Black, Hispanic, etc). While Chicago’s Vice Lords opened schools and businesses and
the Black Panthers gave kids breakfast, the "War on Gangs" has only caused an end to such
reforms with more ghettos and violence (just as it’s LA’s FACES that’s uniting the Red & Blue).
25

"Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge,
aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love."
Martin Luther King, Jr. during acceptance speech for his Nobel Peace Prize, 1964
Comic Sarah Millican earned her millions as a sort of self-therapy of insulting her ex-husband
after his leaving resulted in her losing everything. Research shows people feel better if they are
able to retaliate against the person who injured them, provided they do not do so excessively
(and feel guilty) or fear reprisal (and feel anxious) – and attacking a substitute (like a pillow) or
venting in therapy clearly isn't the same (Bushman et alia, 1999). The most important thing to do
is simply to say "I see you" to the offending person as well as to others. Resentment is said to
be like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Moreover, the opposite of love is
not hate but apathy. Millican "woofs" with her audience (more on woofing later) but the same
can be done with friends. We are told such efforts to insult our ex-es should be restrained while
in reality they should instead be ridiculously excessive. In the end, there are many options other
than just becoming either but a hermit or an anonymous stain at the base of some tall building.
If someone is sufficiently irritating for long enough, any of us can be driven to revenge. We've all
had a cruel parent, teacher, or employer that made us feel this way. Dr. R.W. Fogel won the
Noble Prize in Economics in 1993 for demonstrating employers throughout history have treated
workers even worse than slaves. Alas, we've been rigorously "schooled" to believe we should
only thank our parents, our teachers, and our employers. We're always told that adults know
everything, but we find they don't even know (and don't want to) the difference between faking
and actually feeling something, so we grow suspicious. The natural result is to be left with the
desire to hurt someone – but not know who or why. Even if we de-school ourselves to recognize
our primary tormentor but the person has the poor manners to die before we can get even, we
could end up needing to hurt someone who perhaps just looks like the person (such as all men).
If we manage to face that everyone treats us poorly, there really aren't a lot of options. And, no
matter how we feel about a sunset from the Grand Canyon's base, snorkeling off Fiji, the view of
Rio from Corcovado Mountain, or walking among the albatross population on Midway Island
(where the only footprints are your own), life can be damn cruel without any help from people.
Stephen Falken in the 1983 movie War Games suggested the destruction of the human race is
inevitable as his excuse to just give up. Suicide says none of it and none of you are worth living
for; nothing is better at saying "I hate you all." On the other hand, we could instead go shopping.
And then later, kill ourselves and leave the payments to someone else – that might be better.
No, better would be facing our own ability to do evil. Miangileo tells about coming to terms with a
childhood rape, "When reading Terrance Afar's (ex-roman slave turned poet) line 'nothing that is
human is foreign to me,' I realized that I was my rapist. I realized that there was no emotion that
he had that I didn't have, there was no act he had done that I couldn't potentially do, and there
was no lose of awareness of others that I could not have fallen into." Hermann Hesse wrote: "If
you hate a person, you hate something in him or her that is part of yourself. What isn't part of
ourselves doesn't disturb us." Penny Coleman, author of Flashback: PTSD, Suicide, and the
Lessons of War and a Vietnam veteran suicide window, calls suicide "the most secret death
because no one wants to talk about it" and says the despair, neglect, and poverty motivating
most veteran suicides is similar to that of terrorist bombers. Getting more serious about how low
and weak we are allows us to be more light and inspirational. Emerson said "I have taught one
doctrine, namely, the infinitude of the private man." Trusting oneself means more than being
self-centered. It implies trusting somehow we have an innate wisdom which is a projection of the
inner light of God within, and that every person has such wisdom, although unfortunately few
26

make access to it. To believe in ourselves and our deep capacity to understand and recognize
truths is to believe in every self, even though we have no access to any other self besides us.
Such belief in every self, given sufficient encouragement and coaching, starts with feeding us.
Trust, it is said, must be "earned." If, however, I hit a dog repeatedly with a stick and then give
him my hand, should I talk disparagingly of it when it bites me? Was not the (antisocial) canine
honest and true to its nature and only me the one who needed to "earn" an improvement in the
relationship? If I gain enough understanding, I can learn to trust all. Does not love operate in the
same way, in that there is nothing we can do to improve our worthiness to be loved, only in our
capacity to love others? If I gain enough understanding, I can also learn to love all. What might
be the cost of failing to learn this? Automotive engineers have long agreed that GM has had to
employ ten times as many people to make about the same number of cars as Toyota that are,
sadly, less reliable both from focusing more on reliability of parts rather than the whole car and
from using strict fixed controls rather than human trust to sustain long-term worker relationships.
To believe in our "infinitude" after facing our uselessness allows us to do the same for others as
well as to also allow others the privilege to believe in our potential even after honestly seeing us.
Spiritual well-being is a concept widely used in research studies that focuses on the quality of
relationships as oppose to religion which focuses on specific theological doctrines, rituals, and
creeds. Both are important to growth and both can never be defined individually. Studies show
people live happier and more successful lives if they live lives for a grand purpose with a plan.
27
And so, there are some things you should consider before you goG
a) Doing stuff you should have done but failed to properly prioritize – to go with no regrets.
The world's greatest liars are those who claim they have lived a life without any regrets.
b) How do you know there is absolutely no way to get over the pain you are experiencing?
Perhaps your time would be better spent researching the ways to reduce your pain.
c) How do feel about being remembered as a coward? Suicides are never remembered in
a positive way. Kids hate parents who do it and those you owe something will curse you.
d) How would you feel if a friend or family member upon hearing the news of your death
killed themselves? I knew a women whose son killed himself a week after her boyfriend.
e) Many suggest it is important to get your affairs in order and to get a will prepared – but, I
say screw 'em! Most people never tell anyone about what they're about to do due to the
fear of being judged. Ironic since people usually kill themselves for others. If being talked
out of suicide is a fear, there are reasons for talking with someone about your doubts.
f) Maybe, you should consider the Three Day Rule (or the One Month Rule). Most suicides
are impulsive in-the-moment decisions. It's not poverty, incarceration, or being alone but
rather immediate loss that hits so hard. Most suicides occur within 30 days of a loss and
people prevented from killing themselves during that time typically change their minds.
g) While waiting, consider having a conversation with someone who is fatally ill about how
desperately they want to live. They might possibly tell you they've thought about suicide
as well as about the important joys they've had while literally fighting daily for their lives.
h) The vast majority of suicide attempts fail, after which you are likely to experience a wide
range of permanent health problems (including brain damage). You are additionally likely
to be institutionalized (for at least for 3 days) with a bunch of court order sessions with a
wholly incompetent therapist (that exceedingly poor opinion of therapists is held by every
clinical psychology researcher) with a permanent record of mental instability. What fun!
i) God has a plan for your life – how are you going to feel about having to face Him and
admit to not only wholly failing at it but giving up before even making the slightest effort?

Now, it's time to write. I wish I had parting words from my father – or better, something from him
before the cancer (it changed him). Even more, I wish I had parting words from my kids. They've
told me how they don't think about me and the ways I failed to measure up but never about their
own ideals. In the early Christian days, it was common at death (as it was required to get into
heaven) to admit to all the really bad stuff you've done as well as your lingering secrets (very
embarrassing I would assume for any partners in crime without the sense to die before you and
your big mouth). The only documents remaining about the life of Saint Patrick are two letters he
wrote himself. One is a letter sent as defense in his ex-communication trial (say what?) and the
other is just such a final confessional. I think such an effort should be undertaken every decade.
You'll want people to get the story straight and your personal suicide manifesto is how to do it. A
list of what's wrong with your life helps prioritize what needs to be changed, if that's an option.
In "Why People Die by Suicide," Dr. Joiner says those who kill themselves not only want to die
(feeling like a burden to others and not belonging) they have learned to overcome the instinct for
self-preservation. "Some people think those who commit suicide are weak, but you cannot do it
unless you are fearless." Scare campaigns targeted at teenagers do not work as they further
habituate the at-risk individual to the idea of suicide, making suicide more likely. He reminds us
to go on living we need to feel we belong to someone and are effective. Teachers often tell me
students don't come to class with the social identity required to be motivated to learn. I believe
such a goal should be the principal goal of Social Studies class. When I asked my youngest son
to explain the goals of his school subjects, it was easy to do for every class but Social Studies
for which he said "I don't see any pattern in what they make me learn." Nevertheless, no teacher
should be allowed to ignore their responsibility for building students' feelings of belonging and
becoming effective. I mean, every drafting instructor I've known claims to always need to start
with fractions (despite that this should've been taught in 3rd Grade) and about one in five friends
say they only received formal English schooling in a foreign language class (it's hard to teach a
second language to kids that don't have a first one yet). No teacher should ever be allowed to
get away with claiming students are unprepared. Just fix it! Plus, Dr. Joiner's findings raise the
critical question: in what ways do we cause people to feel ostracized, made numb, and fruitless?
What would happen if we came to realize we are the cause of sadness in others? For example,
as an isolated teacher in a school using a suicide program in which a teenager kills themselves,
what happens when we become numb and fruitless? Do we insist on change or just go along?
The Zombie next door
When Dr. Martha Stout writes about the antisocial next door, she doesn't do credit to their many
Zombies. You yourself are likely a Zombie as studies show over 90% of us exhibit the key signs
and admit to participating in a mob. Indicators of Zombieitis include rooting for some team just
because you live nearby, the inability to have an original thought or needing to please people,
believing in the innate goodness of people (at least yourself), and becoming angry when anyone
dares suggest you may not be special; that and the lies told by those four "great" men sounding
better than the truth. By telling you what you want to hear, you end up idolizing them. You have,
haven't you? The problem with all current boundaries and verbal judo books is they provide the
awful suggestion that you consider taking on an antisocial or a mob of zombies alone. I believe
the key identifier (for either them or you) is a trail of destroyed lives left behind (like mine). This
is never easy to indentify because the goal of any abused person (it is easier to notice alcohol
or drug abuse than person abuse, but it works the same way) becomes, "I must be invisible."
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The most attractive careers to those whose only enjoyment is the control of others turns out to
be counseling (Dr. Golomb, 1995), K-12 teaching, law enforcement, and religious leadership.
While the FBI had a personality test designed to eliminate such applicants when it was founded
a century ago, it doesn't do so today. Introduction to psychology texts written in the past decade
typically describe therapists as inept even predatory loose cannons, juveniles from Neverland
wanting to sit at the adult table but without having to grow up (and with no empathy for people).
Drs. Hillman, Ellis, and Burns claim therapists do little more than "patronize, dehumanize, and
pathologize" clients with cookie cutter psychobabble naturally identifying many false positives to
isolate the therapist from real work and responsibility. Dr. Schnarch says therapists only leave
you "convinced you're as screwed up as you feared" reworking real world external problems into
fictitious internal ones. Even back in 1951 Dr. Durkheim contended the key suicide issues were
just such prolonged blame and social isolation that caused deep feelings of helplessness, which
ironically is exactly most people's reaction to statements of suicidal feelings. Dr. Eysenck (1992)
says the stats show psychotherapy even promotes more cancer and heart disease than health.
The authors of a May 2010 article in Psychological Medicine entitled, "Cognitive behavioral
therapy for the major psychiatric disorder: does it really work?" established no trial employing
both blinding and psychological placebo has ever found CBT to be effective. The problem is that
CBT focuses on reducing the required training for the therapist, whose role is reduced to but
training clients in a few "self-help" introspection techniques (long shown to be unreliable and
providing only subjective gains). All popular therapy models have had the same support issues.
Modern statistics texts use Neuro-linguistic programming to epitomize pseudoscience. And yet,
practitioners are allowed to freely make wild claims for its effectiveness. It is claimed in NLP you
can far more easily build rapport with others by syncing with their preferred use of predicates in
their speech. Examples are: "I can't put my finger on the problem; let's explore it deeper!" "I hear
you loud and clear; that sounds like a great idea!" "I can't see what you're saying; show me how
you did it!" "This plan smells." And yet, studies by over 68 groups show the use of predicates
provides no such influence and they do not seem to play any significant role in communication.
Drs. Horwitz and Wakefield opens The Loss of Sadness: How Psychiatry Transformed Normal
Sorrow into Depressive Disorders by pointing out ours is the "age of abnormal depression," an
age where natural responses to social circumstances are now seen as but psychiatric disorders
requiring professional treatment. What was once viewed as a natural reaction to failed hopes
and aspirations, it now regarded as an illness. By 1997, fully 40% of all psychotherapy patients,
double the percentage a decade before, had diagnoses of some sort of mood disorder with the
use Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, and Effexor tripling from 1988 to 2000 (costs have increased 600%).
Dr. Lilienfeld wrote in Perspective on Psychological Science (March 2007, pp 53-70) how grief
counseling and therapy sadly harms clients in "significant numbers" into experiencing worse
outcomes than if their clients had instead been alone without "help." He emphasized such
issues with potentially harmful therapies without any empirical support attracts little attention in
the industry. Dr. Parrish found (2010) that those with doctoral degrees weren't much better than
social workers with master's degree in doing downright poorly on the Evidence-Base Practice
Assessment Scale. Alas, it would seem moving through a normal grief process to health and
resolution is best done without "professional" help. Dr. Neimeyer (2000 and 2006), like Hillman
(1994), found grief therapy for individuals without normal grief reactions, especially bereaving
parents and victims of violence, could easily result in normal bereavement turning pathological.
Dr. Carole Wade tells the harsh truth in Teaching Critical Thinking in Psychology, 2008 (Chp. 2),
"In the past two decades, an ominous development has taken place; increasingly, psychobabble
29

has been infiltrating the professional field of psychology itself. People with PhDs are making
unsubstantiated and sometimes ludicrous claims that can affect people's lives. This is the result
of a worrying trend: the split in the training, methods, and attitudes of scientific psychologists
and a growing number of mental-health practitioners (Beutler, 2000; Lilienfeld, Lynn, & Lohr,
2003). As a result of this trend, a growing number of practitioners have little appreciation for the
importance of empirical evidence. Indeed, one survey of 400 clinicians conducted in the 1990's
found that the great majority paid little attention to empirical research, stating that they gained
their most useful information from clinical work with clients (Elliott & Morrow-Bradley, 1994). As
a result, the scientist-practitioner model has been giving way to the scientist-practitioner gap."
What are the consequences of therapists becoming increasingly useless and dangerous? The
Occupational Outlook Handbook estimates the number of Mental Health Counselors to grow by
37% over the next decade. It turns out not only are there no actual consequences for being
incompetent, people actually prefer the inept. There are three types of worldviews: those tightly
tied to reality, those loosely tied to reality, and those which are just wishful thinking by peacocks
or blowing smoke by weasels. These fictitious worldviews are often called Alternate Worldviews.
And, the fastest growing types of medicine and therapies today are "alternate" treatments (for
which if there were any rational support, they would instead be called mainstream). It turns out
the worst advice for someone experiencing great depression is to recommend they get help.
But, this is as it should be with counselors only providing the service requested. Patients do not
seek therapy in times of strength and feeling empowered, ready for great life changes; people
seek the guidance of counseling when their usual risk-avoiding ways are just not paying off and
they're unhappy. While the individual often starts the conversation insisting on being ready for
change, far more often than not the hope is simply that the therapist will help them feel better.
Not surprising then, the solution is usually prescription happy pills and positive thinking training.
In 1951, Dr. Powers and Dr. Witmer formed a study based on the belief that most all troubled
kids could be helped. Starting with 630 delinquent boys (why no girls?), half were counseled
and sent to YMCA afterschool programs and half were sent home. After 5 years, the therapists
reported most of the boys had "benefited substantially." Most all the so "schooled" boys (Dr.
Illich argued in 1970 kids are today "schooled" to accept effort in place of value) agreed stating
therapy gave them insights and the YMCA kept them out of trouble. Everyone involved was
"happy." And, that's good - right? Well, no. A 1981 study found the "helped" boys committed
twice the felonies and were doubly affected by alcoholism, depression, mental illness, and lower
job satisfaction than those left alone (see The Crying Game by Dr. Richard Bolstad, 2004).
When Powers and Witner were shown the results of the study, they insisted the "helped" boys
were better off in some way even if it wasn't measurable (as it turned out facing facts was just
too uncomfortable). It seems a "happy" therapist can not only be of no help but can even make
your problems worse if not permanent (being less than nothing, making nothing something).
The U.S. Supreme Court ruled Creation Science unsuitable for schools not for being potentially
erroneous but because its community did not subject itself to objective review. Open debate is
the tenet separating science from wishful thinking. Despite many studies showing Multisystemic
Therapy or MST (developed in the 70's after all therapy models were shown invalid is effective),
it is rarely used today. Why? One of its nine principals is any competent therapist should be able
to affect changes in any patient within six weeks and failure to do so requires formal tiger team
intervention. Counselors are able to support Family Therapy (because it removes the therapist
accountability) but both Family Therapy and MST is as a rule rejected by parents and teachers.
No matter how much we claim to love and care for others, we by and large love ourselves more.
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The desire to be right is often belittled as an egotistical mental aberration, typically partnered
with a marketing statement for happiness such as "I would rather be happy than right." I like to
respond with congratulations on how happy the speaker must be about being wrong (ha ha). On
the other hand, I am surprised how often people need to be "right" about, say, who was the best
drummer or what is the best color. Drs. Powers and Witmer said they would prefer to be happy
pretending they helped young boys while actually being a horrifically destructive force. Making
the effort required for actually being "right" about being helpful simply didn't make them happy.
I've been most successful in explaining the destructive power of the pursuit of happiness (for
therapist or the patient) to people by likening it to a business plan. We can all easily understand
how the best way for a business to fail is for it to have a formal mission statement stating they
intend to make the most money, mostly for the executives, by charging the most and paying the
least. Happiness, like financial success, can only be the fruit of any endeavor. Nevertheless,
people incorrectly focus on the symptom (their unhappiness) and not the problem (their lack of
true value – or, being right). Happiness is a dangerous idea virus that's incredibly contagious.
Narcissism occurs as a normal defensive reaction to being overindulged while at the same time
being treated with abuse or neglect. It only takes a single parent who is unable to express the
truth, offers excessive praise, and is emotionally distant to guarantee a teenager of developing
just such a personality disorder (often reinforced by teachers and other advisors). Insufficient
sleep (less than 9-10 hours), especially common among teenagers today, has been shown to
further encourage this process. The child forms a false sense of self to help avoid depression,
abandonment, and the all-encompassing shame. In a permanent state of disillusion concerning
those around them, such a twisted child constructs a world view where others are judged only
on their worth and they rarely reciprocate attention for those deemed not worth his or her time.
This form of denial and rigid thinking is one of the hardest defenses to break into – it is nearly
impossible to get past the "you owe me" attitude. Pattern changing tactics involve working on
being more empathetic in everyday relationships. Helping them to identify how to utilize their
unique talents to help others rather than for their own personal gain, however, will not change
their self-perception of entitlement. "Normal" parents (more often fathers) can only rationally
forfeit their parenthood (see Men on Strike: Why Men Are Boycotting Marriage, Fatherhood, and
the American Dream by Helen Smith, 2013). Dr. Dennett argues life is constructed from these
narratives interpreted by our direct context, "Our tales are spun, but for the most part, we don't
spin them, they spin us." To avoid a Zombies' death, we must survive our fate (in so making our
destiny), fight ourselves (die daily), as well as constantly overcome our heroes (perhaps why the
Biblical God named His children Israel, which in fact literally means "those who fight with God").
It is a fact that if the student does not outperform his or her teacher (or hero), society stagnates.
Christ said "whoever believes in me will do greater works than the works that I do" (John 14:12).
Drs. Levitt and Dubner discuss in Freakonomics how America's most corrupt people are not
attorneys or politicians but K-12 teachers (80% regularly cheat for their students). The primary
corrupting force is the assumption that they must all be good. We likewise corrupt children and
women by the assumption of their innocence. No one can stay on track without accountability
and well-known consequences. Similarly, research shows anyone who espouses high moral
standards is likely not. The freshman class at what used to be the #1 engineering school (my
alma mater) has an average Math SAT score about 120 points below my freshman class 35
years ago and grades have exploded even at Ivy schools like Harvard (GPA in 1950: 2.55, in
2004: 3.48). Why? Well, Corcoran, Evans, and Schwab found half of new teachers graduating in
31

1962-1966 scored above the 80th percentile while only 10% did so who graduated from 1984-
1985. Today, a study in 2002 and my personal experience show teachers come from the 30th
percentile and studies by the PA Labor Dept and CNN show K-12 teachers to be one of the
highest paid American professions (without considering they work fewer hours and fewer days).
Why do we allow our children's primary role model to become so overpaid, inept, and corrupt?
Similarly, every blue ribbon study into law enforcement since the 1884 Lexow Investigation
(which showed $300, or the "Union Wage," to be the typically bribe required to be a law officer)
has shown nothing but overt corruption and incompetence. Mollen Commissioner Harold Baer
noted that over "the past hundred years, New York City has experienced a twenty-year cycle of
corruption, scandal, reform, backslide and fresh scandal" (Lexow, 1895; Curran, 1913; Seabury,
1932; Hefland, 1954; Knapp, 1972; and Mollen, 1994). The LA Rampart investigation gave up
after four years of "struggling to address one of the worst police scandals in American history"
concluding that law enforcement was simply no longer capable of supporting any facsimile of an
honest investigation. Why has such information on corruption been wholly unrepresented in the
news, classrooms, or in TV sitcoms? "Crimes that are statistically representative are always
systematically unrepresented in crime news, because crime news everywhere (just as all TV in
general) is never essentially about crime," but about managing social stereotypes (Katz, 1987)
Finally, the Catholic Church can't be blamed for secrecy concerning pedophile priests as they
discussed it in print generally every quarter for 30 years. Teachers, cops, and religious leaders
will likely only make your problems worse (the corrupting force being your desire not to know).
Meta-studies show some 99% of social scientists may need help with their math (for almost two
decades, 21 fraudulent studies by Dr. Reuben raised no alarms among peer reviewers) and so
science is not much help either. With every source of help being specifically designed to tear
you down, it's no wonder you think about killing yourself daily; only a heartless bastard wouldn't.
The problem is that charities, schools, and agencies are not teams of professionals but simply
committees (a term sometimes defined by saying a camel is a horse designed by committee).
"Much of the messy advertising you see on television today is the product of committees. They
can criticize advertisements, but they should never be allowed to create them." -- David Ogilvy
We love Zombies just as much as psychopaths. The mid-season premiere of the TV show The
Walking Dead had more viewers than even the Olympics among those ages 18-49. Undead
entertainment has long been popular. But, why? Unlike undead creatures like vampires and
werewolves, they have no magical powers, no powerful associates or great stories of adventure,
and live but wholly monotonous and lonely lives filled with nothing but meaningless routine. Oh
yea, exactly like our daily work and home routines that are literally boring us to death. Just like
several of the TV show characters (such as Shane and Stokey), most of us in our struggle to
manage normal negative feelings, from the complete compliance required of us to fit in and be
accepted, turn to lives of nothing but drugs, sex, and rock and roll. But, in the end, that's just
replacing one life of mind-numbing routine with another. Other show characters (such as the
Governor and Carol) turn to excessive fear and control (where trust is not an option). Why not
just shoot and kill such reminders of ourselves? We could try to understand and even accept the
presence of unpleasant emotions (no longer being slaves to our shame) and work to increase
the risk of being exposed and honestly seen by others. Hell no, that's never going to happen!
There's just no support, no spiritual support, in our lives to risk such guaranteed to fail ideals. It
might work for a while for us (as for Herschel at his farm and Rick at the prison), but not for long.
The blueprint for building communities of real trust and support must include ethical and spiritual
principles and communicated practices, or a church. We've just never built an authentic church.
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Even if we love our heroes just for great words and not "great" lives, we still relinquish decision
making to them. We become people so complacent and unable to think for ourselves that we
become Zombies walking right out of the TV screen. And, we all know we really don't want such
people to touch us because just one bite and we will become just like them. There is only one
rational response possible – shooting off their heads with shotguns. Something deep within our
soul tells us to even feel good about it. Zombies go with shotguns like America and apple pie or
Oreos and milk. At Columbine High School (a school the National Threat Assessment Group
identified as using competitive sports to build the worst mobbing culture ever measured), the
two senior students Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold felt this way about shotguns and Zombies. I
know quite well that this sounds horrible but nothing can ever change until we recognize Eric
and Dylan as the first victims of that fateful day. We prefer to think they were born "bad" (what
an evil thought), but the truth is murder and suicide are reasonable and even healthy responses
to the heartless ways people treat each other (and Eric and Dylan were treated horribly). "Dead
men cannot feel." (Tozer, 1868) People will say that not everyone treated poorly acts poorly.
But, no two people's experiences (including genetics) are the same, so you don't know. We
must learn to see murderers, rapists, and even child molesters as other versions of ourselves in
different situations. More importantly, we need to think more about how we make people feel
they must kill and die just to stay sane. If you're not part of the solution, you are the problem.
Life puts us in impossible situations that are not of our own making. Conflicting orders to the
2001/2010 movie computer HAL (between instructions to tell the truth and to hide information to
protect the mission) made it paranoid. In this same way, the sage wisdom from the Hitchhiker's
Guide to the Galaxy's paranoid android Marvin was, "Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
33
What does it mean to be a man in the modern world?
Sadly, every war story and sinking ship in the movies where everyone yells, "Save the women
and children," doggedly reinforces the same idea: "Men are disposable in our culture." We laugh
when women hit men with frying pans and flower pots, but are shocked by any display of anger
by a man towards a woman. Imagine if instead of Tom Cruise being beaten unconscious by his
ex-girlfriend in Jerry Maguire only to awaken to hear his mentor advising him to just roll with the
punches that it was he whom repeatedly battered some woman to unconsciousness waking to
hear someone suggest it was no big deal – no, that would plainly no longer be funny. I went to
complain when a local pastor stood before 3,500 and said God telling men to love their wives
while not saying the same to women proved that men can't love like women. I asked since God
never asks anyone for more than is possible, couldn't He have meant it was women who can't
love and nurture. I then asked what he thought would have happened if he said that instead and
he admitted his office would be filled with many irate women instead of just one lone calm man.
When there was a dirty job to be done at my school, the principal would come to my classroom
to get only the boys to help. My parents and school coaches suggested feelings only get in the
way for boys. Dad was on edge when not working (and was agoraphobic) and Mom routinely
advised me to toughen up. Numerous women joined her with words like, "Big boys don't cry",
"Don't be silly - that doesn't hurt", and "all men are weak and incapable of feelings (or a feminine
side)." Women possess the major responsibility for bestowing self-esteem and thus pleasing
them becomes critically intertwined with survival at an early age for boys (and the source of our
idealization of male pregenital sexuality per Sadger). Journalist Norah Vincent's greatest lesson,
in fact, pretending to be a man for 18 months ("Self-made Man") was, "How much power women
have over men; they need us as their self-esteem is based primarily on approval from us." More
to the point, living as a man caused Vincent to need institutionalized care for manic depression.

Just as boys are expected to ask girls out as their discomfiture carries less weight, few women
work in the most dangerous and lowest paying jobs (mining, construction, and war) as the death
of a man carries less weight. All of the most dangerous jobs are over 90 percent filled with men.
The average American father works an average 51-hour work week (clearly one of the hardest
working in the industrialized world), but U.N. official Terry McKinley admitted in February, 1996
that the U.N. forced researchers to falsify data in order to generate numbers that suggested
women worked more hours than men when, in truth, men work 3-5 hours more a week than
women, including household chores. The raw UN data showed women labor 11 more hours a
week around the house while men labor over 14 more hours a week at work while the Journal of
Economic Literature and the University of Michigan has shown the disparity to be even greater.
Advertisements routinely show men and fathers as cruel, incompetent, and unnecessary when
they would never display women in such a light. Frederick Hayward collected 8 hours of clips
from TV sitcoms showing female on male violence while over the same period he could only find
30 seconds of male violence toward women. Boys receive less education (girls are almost two
grades ahead by the end of high school and are 35% more likely to graduate from college –
disposable people have less need for training) and are half as likely as young adults to be able
to afford a home (resulting in twice as many men as women still living with their parents in their
late 20's). Prudential Research (2011) showed 95% of women will eventually end up their
family's primary financial decision maker and the Family Wealth Advisors Council (2010) says
by 2030 women will control two-thirds of the nation's wealth. Yet, two thirds of women still feel
men should pay for all dates and men are still emotionally laden with having the primary income
responsibility. Men are discouraged from being parents (even grandmother is more likely to win
custody of their children) or teachers because men are routinely told they are not capable of
nurturing relationships (one 20/20 episode decades ago provided "scientific" proof). According
to research conducted by Joan Berlin Kelly, author of Surviving the Break-up, half of mothers
"see no value in the father's continued contact with his children after a divorce." This attitude
was also echoed in the American Journal of Orthopsychiatry report Frequency of Visitation by
Divorced Fathers, which sadly found "40 percent of mothers reported that they had interfered
with the non-custodial father's visitation on at least one occasion, to punish their ex-spouse."
Little girls are talked to far more often by early caregivers and the most common word they hear
is pretty. This is not for little boys. Boys are rarely the teacher's pet, receive lower grades, and
are far more likely punished. Glen Sacks notes ten out of ten "discipline problems" in 1st Grade
are typically boys. Plus, studies have found boys with similar language skills are four times more
likely as girls to be identified as having problems (Ewin & Taylor, 2006 and Sciutto, Nolfi, Bulhm,
2006). Dr. Thomas Dee (2006) showed "boys are 2-3 times more likely than girls to be seen as
disruptive, inattentive, and unlikely to do homework." The nine million children given Ritalin to sit
still are most all boys (an Oregon State meta-study in 2006 found all support for Ritalin was only
the result of doctored science) and boys are five times more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD.
By playing the distressed damsel, girls taught to control their feelings by assigning responsibility
to boys turns the boys into victims unable to share grief, fear, anger, guilt, disappointment, or
loneliness. Our culture raises boys alternately to repress feelings at any cost and then blames
them for the repression. This results in pervasive personality development arrestment identified
in men and women defined by prioritizing one's needs but for others to meet them. There has
been an explosion of self-help books for such self-absorbed children of narcissist parents (more
than new diet books) as this illness has become an integral part of our national identity. As a
boy grows up, the line between user and substance is often crossed and boys are far more
34

likely to fall victim to drugs and alcohol abuse and are over four times more likely to succumb to
suicide. Veterans of combat are three times again more likely to kill themselves. The harsh
reality is more soldiers (like cops) kill themselves than die in action – well over 17 every day!
What are little boys made of? Snips of snails and puppy dogs tails. What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice and everything nice. What are boys good for? A son's a son till he takes a wife,
but a daughter's a daughter all of her life. You cannot argue with poetry – there is simply no
redemption for little boys. There are over 500 college American women's studies departments
with over a 100 offering a degree in the United States, but not a single degree or department in
men's studies. Textbooks often describe fathers as a "foreign male element" that mothers and
daughters must unite against. Dr. Helen Caldicott even describes men as "almost clinically and
psychologically dead." These universal attitudes are why there are about four times more boys
waiting for adoption than girls in every country of the world (except China), why parents of kids
born with both gender organs generally select sex "assignment" surgeries to make them female,
and why the fastest growing religion in America, Wicca, sees men as but replaceable sex toys.
Men are trained from birth to sacrifice their existence in order to safeguard all-powerful women
embedded with the creation of life. It should have been no real surprise to me to find two wives
in adulterous affairs. My second wife even told me when first dating that she planned to get
pregnant and ditch the father (I naively failed to believe her). The first time her eldest niece got
me alone, her most pressing question was whether it was true that men were responsible for all
the evil in the world. Even though women are seen as morally superior, about half of male rape
accusations are later recanted (Washington Post, 1991; Kanin, 1994; DOJ, 1996) not to mention
that 75% of child sexual abuse accusations against men end up being shown to be unfounded
or unsubstantiated. While the Southern Arizona Center Against Sexual Assault blasts messages
like "You are not alone – we believe you," beliefs in such accusations are usually unfounded.
Plus, 3 out of 4 pregnancies today are to unwed women; a quarter are aborted, mostly without
any involvement of men as the decision over life and death belongs to women alone (women
have rights while men get responsibilities: turns out most fathers ordered to pay child support do
so and most mother so ordered do not). 40 percent of the rest, however, soon dump the father.
Amazingly, 15% to 40% of children (respectively for first and fourth child) could not even have
been fathered by the men who signed the birth certificate (Phillipp, 1972; DNA Diagnostics
Center, Texas, 1999; Popovich, 2000). Paternal studies done over 50 years ago confirm that at
a bare minimum more than 10% of the fathers who signed their babies' birth certificates have
unknowingly been claiming paternity of children who weren't theirs (Massachusetts has the
largest number of women concurrently collecting child support from multiple men). One Justice
Department study found nearly 13% of wives accused of killing husbands were acquitted as
compared with only 1.4% of husbands. Of those convicted, 16% of the women had received
probation instead of prison, again about ten times the rate for men. Plus, the average prison
sentence for homicidal wives was 6 years compared to 17 for husbands. Lilian Getkate didn't do
any jail time for shooting her husband while he slept (admired by co-workers and friends). Rita
Graveline was acquitted for getting drunk and shooting her husband while he slept. But, even
Clara Harris, convicted of murdering her husband, had no difficulty in maintaining legal custody
of her twin 5-year old boys. Although murdering wives already regularly get far better treatment,
many states have clemency board to review cases of women that murder their husbands. Mass
pardons, in fact, of husband killers have occurred in both Ohio and Maryland. The Columbus,
Ohio Dispatch reported, however, that 15 of the 25 women pardoned by outgoing Ohio's
Governor Richard Celeste insisted they had never been physically abused. How can this be?
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According to the US Department of Justice's Report on the National Violence Against Women
Survey, there are over 830,000 male victims of domestic violence every year in the United
States (the data is only available from studies based on women as the victims as research on
men is never funded), but the data shows violence by women is far more premeditated and apt
to include weapons, poisoning, or hiring others to commit the violence. A 1998 study of verbal
and physical abuse in dating relationships that was presented at a meeting of the American
Psychological Association examined a survey of college students that showed "women were
significantly more physically aggressive than men, particularly in the areas of pushing, slapping,
and punching." A 2000 study published in Psychological Bulletin confirmed that women are
more likely than men to use physical aggression. Male victims are largely unknown (making the
real numbers certainly much larger) in part because men are extremely hesitant to report their
abuse to authorities or to seek help as they rightfully fear their female partners will successfully
accuse them of being the actual perpetrators. Researcher Charles Corry, a former marine, says
"Mainly it is the legal system that destroys men; the abuse from their wives or girlfriends is
almost minor in most cases." For one thing, arresting men earns townships cash through federal
grants and other funding sources based on the principle of female victim and male batterer with
no funding being available when women are arrested. Male victims also do not seek out their
few options for shelters as battered men who flee their attackers find the act of fleeing results in
losing custody of their children and men who retain their children in order to try to protect them
from abusive mothers often find themselves arrested for child kidnapping. The pressure on JM
Barrie to "save" his five sisters and mother was so great he never grew past four foot eleven
inches tall, never passed through puberty, withdrew from all sexual and emotional intimacy,
suffered from dark, perverse depressions (including, perhaps, pedophilia), and idealized such a
situation in his novel about a boy that never grows up, Peter Pan. Barrie never wrote a story
about a father, as none were ever "good enough," while desperately wanting to be one himself
to other boys (like Michael Jackson). One son sincerely asked me when he was six if Peter Pan
was not the ideal male role model as he had been routinely taught by all the women in his life.
Many schools have banned tag, Red Rover, musical chairs, dodge ball, or any game providing
for a weak link or target as such "creates an environment of retaliation and resentment" "which
undercuts children's emotional development and erodes their self-esteem." Games without
teams or the threat of elimination are the new standard although "experts" still warn that even
uncooperative tennis balls could provide potential jugglers unhealthy frustration and anxiety.
The reality is overprotected children do not fare well and competitive horseplay is a natural part
of healthy socialization development. Children adept at such masculine rough and tumble
recreations tend to be better social problem solvers. But, there is little encouragement for even
boys to get in touch with their "male" sides. In fact, while heterosexual men who like to shop,
cook, or accessorize are "metrosexual," women who do something masculine are "empowered."
Drs. Joyce McDougall, Sam Vaknin, William Glasser, and others have shown that male sexual
offenders are generally created by their mothers beginning at the breast (when self-recognition,
shame, and personality disorders first develop) by providing strong emotional incentives to
remain underdeveloped and "mother-bound." Sadger found that women are generally purged of
any such developed perversions by the many opportunities to gratify pregenital sexuality in
relations with children as caregivers as teenagers (opportunities kept from boys, especially in
church settings). Psychologist Dr. Erin Tully found depressed mothers can promote depression
in their children but that depressed fathers cannot. Moreover, a U.S. Department of Justice
report showed mothers commit 70% of confirmed cases of child abuse and 65% of parental
36

murders of children. Children are also 88% more likely to be seriously injured from abuse or
neglect by their mothers rather than by their fathers. Yet, we doggedly persist in blaming men
first and foremost for all of the world's violence. If we really want to end violence, why don't we
provide programs to encourage more male teenagers to be babysitters? Dr. Elliot reviewed 500
violence prevention programs in 1998. Most were found to not address any known risk factors
and to actually usually make things worse (zero tolerance, scared straight, boot and wilderness
camps, DARE, etc). Only three did any good: Functional Family Therapy, Oregon Treatment
Foster Care, and Multisystemic Therapy, which never blames the offender but instead focuses
on training others in his/her environment and inadequacies of therapist. Dr. Elliot only confirmed
what every study had been saying for decades, the programs we spend the most on have the
least (or most damaging) effect and those we spend the least on provide for the only chance for
improvement. Over a decade later, what's changed? Nothing! How many more decades must
past before we can finally admit reducing violence is not our actual aim, it's only blaming men?
Men's rights are the civil rights movement of our era. Some belittle the plight of men, asking
"what have they suffered compared to other groups?" One answer is whatever adversity blacks
or women or other groups may have endured in the past fifty years, no one takes their children
away as done daily by family courts to men. What discrimination or injustice could be worse
than that? We might freely reduce the requirements to allow a woman to become a fireperson
(what's a life when compared with allowing a woman from doing whatever she wants), but you
can be sure society will never reduce the qualifications for a man to win custody. Plus, custody
is characteristically awarded with little regard for the facts. Two Yale studies found infants living
only with their fathers were two to six months ahead in personal and social skills. Another study
showed boys in father-custody homes have higher self-worth, are more mature, independent,
and less demanding than boys in mother-custody homes. A Danish study found children raised
by single fathers also had fewer temper tantrums, were less-sensitive to criticism, less fearful,
less likely to feel lonely, and more likely to have high self-worth. And, recall I mentioned studies
show fathers are far less likely than mothers to use physical punishments with their children.
Finally, there's no greater suicide disparity than between men and women in the United States.
Alabama was forced to halt the testing of teachers when a court ruled the state had to produce
testing where white and black applicants could pass at the same rate. Why are courts not also
forced to award children to fathers just as often as mothers? I would gladly accept half the pay
(even though Forbes says women executives must often date beneath their income level as
their lower-educated male peers are making less) and sit only in the back of the bus (ask your
son where he sits in class and you'll discover many boys are already obligated to do this) if only
I could have been awarded custody. The rates of school dropouts, teenage pregnancy, juvenile
crime, and teen drug abuse are more tightly correlated with fatherlessness than with any other
socioeconomic factor, including income and race. Since 1983, the US Department of Health and
Human Services has found that 61% of child abuse is inflicted by mothers with sole custody and
another 14% comes from other members of her household. Sadly not unexpected, boys are the
more likely target of familial violence. Sadly, 63% of youth suicides and over 70% of anti-social
disorders come from fatherless homes. And, since the number of alienated fathers doubled in
the last quarter of the last century, we should expect the number of psychopaths to be double
estimates made in the 70's (as per Antisocial Personalities by Dr. David Lykken, 1993, p 204).
In fact, the 1991 Epidemiologic Catchment Area study, sponsored by the National Institute of
Mental Health, reported that in the fifteen years preceding the study, the prevalence of antisocial
personality disorders had nearly doubled among the young in America and most experts believe
37

today that childhood psychopathy and suicide rates are ever-increasing (Dr. Ramsland, 2011).
Dr. Hare writes "our society is moving in the direction of permitting, reinforcing, and valuing the
traits listed in the Psychopathy Checklist such as impulsivity, irresponsibility, lack of remorse."
Dr. Stout also believes American values are the perfect breeding ground for psychopaths (which
are rarer in Asia). Only when men can raise their children to not get caught up in the unending
attempts to please "mommy" for a counterfeit self-image will their terror and need to repress
subside. Boys have traditionally been the responsibility of fathers from the age of seven whether
in the hunt, the field, or the factory. Can we ever go home again? Our children are calling.
I met with my son's Sixth Grade math teacher and asked if there was any way my son could
receive more challenging work. The teacher told me she had to put on her "parent hat." She
was very concerned about how such pressures caused Orientals to commit suicide more often.
She told me she wasn't saying my son would necessarily off himself, but she was very familiar
with world health data and expected my efforts to not be helpful. WHO had in fact concluded the
fewer deaths in America were due to improved intervention efforts. Alas, I also found America
has the very highest ratio of male to female suicides; or, no country is better at causing men to
lose all hope. Unfortunately, the data is never displayed in this way and this social problem is
not being addressed by any academic investigation. And so, nothing changes. Group therapy
can't really help men as it can only show a person how other men in the same situation get no
sympathy and have no reason to hope for anything better as well. Men who lose their children to
death get flowers, but there's nothing for fathers who constantly lose their children to divorce.
We are then told, as the ultimate cruelty, that our loss is simply the consequences we are due.
What does it mean to be a child of a divorce in the modern world?
Forensic psychologist Dr. Richard Gardner developed the idea of Parental Alienation Syndrome
(PAS) in the 80's in order to explain an epidemic of false accusations of child sexual abuse. It is
a form of mobbing that includes the child(ren) of divorce in an orchestrated attack against the
other parent. Innocent parents are increasingly losing custody after being falsely accused in this
way using what Dr. Warshak calls "Divorce Poison." The next step in taking children from men
is to remove even the idea of fatherhood from their children's minds (taking the child from the
child). Both parent and children are made miserable. PAS arises in the context of child-custody
disputes with the child actually at the center of a campaign of denigration against a parent with
exaggerated justifications that results from a combination of programming of the prime parent's
indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the targeted parent. (PAS,
Gardner, 1998). It's a cult atmosphere often not called brainwashing but personality suppression
suggesting the possibility of recovery. Sadly, healing is not likely as most families do not contain
sufficient human capital to overcome the repeated validation commonly available for the child's
twisted thinking. PAS breaks normal parent-child ties by working to limit all healthy attempts for
individuality by micromanaging the child's life and by encouraging the child to do the following:
• Denigrating the alienated parent with severe oppositional behavior
• Validating their weak, frivolous, or even absurd reasons for their anger
• Providing no display of love or affection for the alienated parent
• Asserting that they alone came up with the thought of defamation
• Expressing unrealistic expectations while seeing the world as "them" against "us"
• Even actively arguing for the idea that the alienating parent may need protecting
• Using borrowed scenarios; vividly describing situations not possibly experienced
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Animosity is often spread to the friends and/or family of the alienated parent. Statistics show the
alienating parent is overwhelmingly the mother. Considerable time is needed for a campaign of
alienation and mothers typically get more time with the children. In severe cases, the child is
conditioned to wholly reject the alienated parent. The alienator can truthfully say the child does
not want to spend any time with the alienated parent, even though the child has been told there
is a court order supporting the visitation. The alienator typically responds, "There isn't anything I
can do, I'm not telling him that he can't see you." Dr. Darnell describes various levels of parental
alienation in Divorce Casualties: Protecting Your Children from Parental Alienation (1998), and
focuses his advice on but how to rise above the abuse. Dr. Richard Warshak in Divorce Poison
(2001) explains "Common approaches are impotent, doing nothing will accomplish nothing, and
relying primarily on reasoning is an unreasonable approach to the problem." Dr. Warshak talks
about children who will have nothing to do with the alienated parent, even just talk on the phone.
Just as LAPD divisions convince people to confess to crimes they did not commit, children are
persuaded to remember abuse that never occurred and live out fears of threats that aren't real.
It is typical for a mother's separation anxiety to be expressed at parting moments with "Call me
as soon as you get there to let me know you are O.K. If you get scared, you call me right away."
Such alienating comments naturally diminish, but they can also escalate when a psychologically
fragile parent, who might be able to hold themselves together when things are going their way,
becomes fiercely entrenched after seeing what is "rightfully theirs" being threatened. They are
stuck in survival-mode thinking. To them, total control over their child is a life and death matter.
They can't see the child as a separate human being and become enmeshed in micromanaging
the child's life. The parent might be narcissistic and presume they have a special entitlement or
they might be a sociopath without any moral conscience. But, not knowing how to please other
people, any effort to do so always have strings attached. They don't ever give as they only know
how to take. They don't play by the rules and are likely to ignore a court order. Their prognosis
is very poor – it is unlikely they will ever "get it" or ever stop trying to perpetuate the alienation.
Instead of promoting a healthy growth of independence, a PAS mother will insist on sleeping
with the child and feeding them saying "It's easier if I do it," according to Dr. Jayne Major. A PAS
mother can't imagine the father is a competent parent and may even decree whom the child can
and cannot see (for me, this included her daughter in law). Children eventually figure out which
side the bread is buttered on and end up seeing the healthy parent as weak. Any isolated case
of actual violence can be turned into a holocaust. The alienating parent's hatred has no bounds.
The severest form will bring out every horrible allegation known, including claims of domestic
violence, stalking, and repeated calls to Child Services. I've experienced every example experts
use to demonstrate the most extreme behavior and yet I still have friends who don't believe me.
If you believe everything is against you, you could be right. If you feel hopeless about it, it's also
possibly true. Finally, the feeling of absolute isolation, that no one understands, well, you know.
We've heard a lot about the headline-grabbing victims of religious cults, but bad-mouthing by
divorced mothers have claimed far more victims. Yet, the problem receives little or no attention.
Just as a child of abuse can't take normal punishment, a child of programmed alienation can't
take normal anger or criticism. While most alienated fathers passively accept their children and
ex-wives to dictate the terms of their contact unable to imagine anything else, such a response
only seals the separation. Try to not dismiss the child's misplaced feelings or point out how they
are only repeating the other parent's words. While likely all true, it causes them to defend their
position even more fervently. The best option is to maintain a low-key but constant interaction.
Sadly, I have personally not discovered how to do this. Teenagers naturally act as if they are
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entitled to receive significant material benefits even from a parent they treat with great malice,
as if the parent is some sort of subhuman scapegoat and fair game for any mistreatment. PAS
builds on such typical thinking. Ask children why they hate their parents and most cite minor
grievances that couldn't possibly be the basis for such extreme feelings. Alienating parents,
however, will always accept and validate such absurd complaints. Worse, inexperienced and/or
immature therapists will often accept the child's reasoning and tell Dad the separation is but a
natural consequence. Dr. Warshak documents how alienated parents are often told to get
counseling to learn how to better deal with teenagers ("with multiple children shunning you, it
must be your fault"). He writes, "What is frightening is that such reports wield great power over
custody decisions in our courts. I would not be surprised if [such a therapist didn't have] some
unresolved issues from her own adolescence." Both such therapists and parents typically exhibit
poor boundaries, work to deflect their own failings, and have a history of a poor or absent
relationship with at least one parent. Manipulative parents will try to restrict communications with
the other parent as well as their friends and family who might contradict the message of hate.
Love is never enough to protect children from divorce poison as most every child will be hurt in
some way. Try a team approach, discuss advantages to working together, stress values and
religious beliefs, and educate them about being manipulated (in the third person without any
accusations). Start with something general like television commercials and sales tactics. The
biggest mistake possible is to take the common advice to wait for the child to change their mind.
"The Court has no doubt that the cause of the blind, brainwashed, bigoted belligerence
of the children toward their father grew from the soil nurtured, watered, and tilled by the
mother. The Court is thoroughly convinced that the mother breached every duty she
owed as the custodial parent to the noncustodial parent of instilling love, respect, and
feeling in the children for their father. Worse, she slowly dripped poison into the minds of
these children, maybe even beyond the power of this Court to find the antidote."
Judge Richard Yale Feder (Florida Court of Appeals, 1988)
So, mental poison and control are common and unchecked. And, the most greatly affected are
our children. So, how might we prepare our children for the harsh realities of such a life in order
to get them ready to even flourish in such total insanity? How might we show the a "red pill" of
self-awareness of the world's violent forces of misinformation. A strong community of supportive
family and friends is sadly usually not available for targets of such abuse. The only other option
is to provide the child an education in defending their minds. A Pastor once mumbled during a
sermon how he most hated trash talk. And yet, I convinced him there was value in such speech.
Trash talk: what is it good for?
"Playing the Dozens" (or what's called "Woofing" in Philadelphia) means to volley taunts back
and forth with another by kidding, "snapping," teasing, toasting, or insulting them and their
family (especially one's mother) in a contest of wits and emotional strength. The person who
outwits and out-insults the other person while keeping a cool head is the winner (determined by
the audience, the real target of the game). Rooted in black vernacular, playing the Dozens is a
subversive type of wordplay which traditionally prepared the oppressed (Blacks) to use the
language of the oppressors (Whites) without directly confronting or openly challenging the
oppressors. Encoding one's intention by saying one thing but meaning quite the opposite is
referred to as, "signifying." Language and songs were the only freedom slaves had; and so
hidden messages had to be conveyed through their music and slang. When slaves planned an
escape, often they would inform others with encoded messages within their songs, both by
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wording and drumbeats. Ranging from mildly insulting to overtly obscene, the coded language
of Dozens uses puns (e.g.: yam for I am), hyperbole, humor, irony, repetition, reversal, and
understatement to score points, and customarily includes sexual innuendo and references to
"yo mama" necessarily before an audience that must be controlled (for their approval) as much
as the opponent (for dominance and survival) and oneself (for self-discipline). Such a toast is
heroic as the chief target meets a subjugating social death in the face of total humiliation.
Dr. George J. Thompson is an English teacher who took a sabbatical to work as a police officer
at the age of 35. He taught verbal techniques to a million agents from the U.S. Forest Service to
the FBI. Thompson found one of the surest ways for a cop to end up in the hospital is by "laying
down the law" with simple lines like, "Come here!" "I'm not going to say this again!" and "Why
don't you be reasonable?" The same is true of the ageless positional negotiating minuet that
typically starts with an extreme anchoring point and tends to lock participants into positions to
save face. Unfortunately, the resulting "hard" power is always a net zero sum product, where
only you or someone else has it. While dealing from such a source of power as a judge, boss,
police officer, teacher, or parent is the quickest way to avoid wining conditions, these are exactly
the relational conditions in which the modern child must be able to hold their own, both against
endless verbal as well as physical abuse. Usually by the age of six (certainly by puberty), a child
must be adapt at jiving oneself out of a street fight or a whipping from a parent. No one wants to
be known as not able to "talk stuff" as that would only succeed in making one a larger target for
additional abuse. Toasting, rapping, signifying, and playing the Dozens are all demonstrations of
needed verbal skills, part of vital efforts to survive against these types of regular daily assaults.
Richard Thomas has stated (1988) that, "Black culture, then, should be seen as a creative and
responsive reaction to the realities of constantly changing situations." Black Americans have
maintained a lively and widespread verbal art tradition in spite of urbanization, strongly anti-
Black education, and limiting mass communications. This has been possible because Blacks
(conventionally apart while still part of American cities, songs, and folklore) for their own survival
and sanity formed a separate culture within the dominant culture, one which remains principally
oral. Jazz, Rock and Roll, Hip Hop, and even Gospel music all have their roots in this oral
tradition. School pictures may have changed with integration and the furor over Mr. Belafonte
and the "Barbershop" movie might show that the larger white society actually cares what they
say, but when Mr. Garvey put down long dead militant DuBois it is doubtful many whites even
knew who he was. "Dozens" may refer to the ultimate humiliation of broken slaves incapable of
hard labor being sold by the dozen, but the tools developed in response are still germane today.
Common taunts include: You're so dumb, if you spoke your mind you'd be speechless. Your
breath smells so bad, people on the phone hang up. You're so fat, your blood type is Ragu. You
have so many fat rolls that you have to screw your pants on. Yo mama's cookin' is so bad, even
the roaches say "Naw man, I ate before I came over." Yo mama's so ugly, people hang her
picture in their cars so their radios don't get stolen. Yo father's so ugly, that's not a receding hair
line, that's his hair running away from his face. Yo mama's so skinny, her pants have only one
belt loop. Yo mama's so bald, I can read her mind. Yo mama's so old, I told her to act her age
and she died. Yo mama's so nasty, even Rice Krispies won't talk to her. Yo mama, ; 'nuff said.
These taunts cannot simply be recited, they must be timed for the optimal stinging of the toast
and bemusement of the crowd. Most all subcultures have Dozens-like exchanges (part of being
literate since Greek orators deployed iambic mockery to deride speakers). John Bright said
about his UK political opponent, "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." Abraham
Lincoln said about an attorney, "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any
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man I know." Winston Churchill said about Clement Atlee, "A modest little person, with much to
be modest about." William Faulkner said about Ernest Hemingway, "He has never been known
to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." Finally, Ernest Hemingway said about
William Faulkner "Poor Faulkner, does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
There are certainly cultural considerations. Some Native Americans consider a vigorous
handshake as a sign of aggression; several cultures consider looking directly into one's eyes as
snooping on the soul; and, standing on the threshold of Thai or Laotian homes insults the spirits
of departed ancestors believed to reside in the cracks. While one must get "outta their face" to
calm Westerners, backing away communicates disrespect to, say, an Egyptian or an Iranian.
Diplomat Robert A. Lovett once said, "Do not give concessions to the French without getting
something in a return. They will not feel gratitude. They will only feel contempt for your
gullibility." Then, a century ago an Englishman eager to be one of the few nonbelievers to visit
the Arab holy city of Mecca sneaked in by browning his skin and faking religious fever. All was
fine until he bought some bananas. When the man quickly paid, he was mobbed and thrown
into jail, being easily identified as a pretender by failing to negotiate the purchase. More to the
point, tough business people will often consider an aggressive tone to be a normal part of
honest discussions and would be bemused by any peer offended by it. "A fool shows his
annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult" (Proverbs 12:16). Fearing insults
has only produced an inane Fahrenheit 541 like America offended by Aesop's fables, Paul
Bunyan, Mark Twain, the Little Engine That Could, and any story with Jews or Blacks. School
textbook publishers insist women cannot be depicted as caregivers or doing household chores,
men cannot be lawyers or doctors or plumbers, old people cannot be feeble or dependent,
children cannot be disobedient, and even cake cannot appear in stories as it is not nutritious.
Being called personally damaged seems naturally far more offensive than hearing that we are
unskilled. Those things we hold most personal are those things we have little or no control over.
Playing the Dozens teaches children not to be brought down by such inconsequential stuff. We
can read self-help books, even have the fat vacuumed out and the bones broken and reshaped,
memorize great quotes, and work to for a more agreeable personality, but we will always know
underneath it is not the "us" that God built. A 1997 study showed 97% of high school students
hear derogatory remarks every day from peers and 53% say they hear homophobic comments
from school staff. TV personality Dr. Phil McGraw describes in his book Self Matters that five
minutes of verbal abuse of power in the principal's office in 3rd grade left him forever distrustful
of those in education or authority. Facing this pathology, however, only developed a functional
illiterate able to prosper without ever knowing the real person God meant for him to be (it was
certainly not to be a 50-year old still reacting to the world like a third grader – becoming a Peter
Pan who never grows up while seeing role models as not good enough and desperately driven
to be the perfect role model to other children in an artificial Neverland: for example, like J. M.
Barrie or Michael Jackson). If only Phil McGraw (or Barrie as well as Jackson) had been raised
and tutored to understand how to thrive while being so oppressed by playing the Dozens.
Life is not just inherently disappointing, it is also intrinsically dangerous. Trash talk can also be a
successful and crucial method of building up a natural resistance to developing a permanent
state of fear from experiencing life's constant disappointments and threatening encounters. Fear
is the emotional response to life's peril that is coordinated by the relatively small but very
complex structure in the brain called the amygdale. Once fear is conditioned in the amygdale,
perhaps by high levels of cortisol damaging the hippocampus, it can be effectively permanent.
Traumatic imagery and blunted emotions can then arise either from stimuli that is not actually
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life threatening or from fears of losing control when severe nightmares or episodes of violent
sleepwalking take over. Trauma workers can develop a similar type of enduring discouragement
(synthetic Zombism) from being exposed to these symptoms in others (referred to as secondary
stress or compassion fatigue). The end result is often acting like a human being but not reacting
like one with haunting un-suppressible memories, emotional numbing (losing the ability to love,
say, from a fear of fear), and easier provocation (from, say, lowered thresholds for distracting
thoughts and responses of anxiety and rage). There are no therapies or drugs that can remove
this kind of acclimatized anger, doubt, shame, quilt, and stressful memories – the best hope is
only to better manage these feelings and behaviors. While talking about these issues can help
one feel less isolated and alone, medications can provide external checks to mood swings, and
education can afford improved coping skills, they are never enough to return one to the whole
being that God intended. All for the lack, possibly, of valuable childhood training in trash talk.
Josh Waitzkin was the top teenage chess player in America whose childhood story was the plot
for the movie "Searching for Bobby Fischer." Josh found the fame a bit hard to overcome and so
he later switched to Push Hand Karate and eventually won the world championship. In The Art
of Learning, Waitzkin has the following to say about the value of trash talk in sports (as in life):
"There are examples in every discipline. For basketball fans, think about the Reggie Miller /
Spike Lee saga. Lee is New York's No. 1 Knicks fan. Reggie Miller was the star of the Indiana
Pacers from 1987 to 2005. Throughout the 1990's, the Knicks and Pacers repeatedly met in the
playoffs and Lee would be sitting in his courtside seat in Madison Square Garden for every
home game. Time and again, he would heckle Miller until Miller started to respond. At first, this
looked like a good situation to Knicks fans. Spike was distracting Reggie from the game.
Sometimes it seemed Reggie was paying more attention to Spike than to the Knicks. But then, it
became apparent that Miller was using Lee as fuel for his fire. Over and over, Reggie would
banter with Spike while torching the Knicks with unbelievable shooting. After a while, Knicks
fans just hoped Spike would shut up. The lesson had been learned; don't piss off Reggie.
Young NBA players learned the same lesson during the Michael Jordon era. Jordan was a
notorious trash talker on the court. He would goad defenders into dialogue, but the problem was
that it you talked back, it inspired Jordan to blow you off the court. The only thing to do was to
let Jordan talk and play your game. Try to keep some of the beast asleep. Then, he would just
score his thirty points and move on to the next game. But if you woke the beast, Mike would
score fifty and then do it again next time you played him.
A few years ago, I was talking with Keith Hernadez about the role of anger in his career. For
those who are not big sports fans, Keith was a dominant force with the St. Louis Cardinals and
then the New York Mets, playing Major League Baseball from 1974 to 1990. Keith won 11 Gold
Glove awards, won the batting title and National League Most Valuable Player Award in 1979,
and led the Mets to victory in the historic 1986 World Series against the Boston Red Sox.
Hernandez is known as one of the toughest hitters in baseball history. I asked Keith how he
dealt with pitchers throwing at him. A pitcher will sometimes either hit a batter or come very
close with a pitch to plant a psychological seed. Getting nailed by a 90-mph fastball is not a
pleasant experience, and many serious injuries have come out of this dark gamesmanship. The
infamous scenes of hitters charging the mound and clubhouses emptying into terrible brawls are
usually the result of a batter feeling that he is being targeted.
If the batter is actually hit, he automatically gets on first base – as if he were walked. This is
obviously less than great for a pitcher, but it is a calculated decision, because many batters will
get psyched out by being pelted – and they will be scared at the plate for the rest of the game,
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or even for years, when facing that pitcher. Knowing that the fastball might be tailing toward
your head complicates the hitting experience, and many batters get intimidated. Or, they get
mad. Either way, if a pitcher feels that he can get into your head by throwing at you, in Keith's
words, 'You'll be on your butt!' For Keith, pitchers dug their own grave by targeting him. He
explains, 'That was always a positive motivational thing for me; if a pitcher knocked me down or
hit me on purpose, well by golly you've got your hands full for the rest of the year with me;
particularly, for the rest of this game.' Over the years, pitchers learned to stay away from Keith,
because they would be rousing a giant by hitting him.
Keith then told me a story about Frank Robinson, one of the all-time greatest baseball players
and the only man to be MVP of both the American League and the National League. Robinson
began his career in Cincinnati back in 1956. In those days, pitchers threw at batters all the time.
The Reds were playing a three-game series against St. Louis, and in the first game, Robinson
got hit by a pitch and went on to have a phenomenal night. The next day, the pitcher hit
Robinson again, and he just destroyed the Cardinals throughout the whole series. A week later,
the two teams played another series, but before it began Red Schoendiense, the St. Louis
manager – and Keith's first manager – called a team meeting and said, 'The first pitcher who
hits Frank Robinson is fined one hundred bucks! Just leave him alone!' Keith loves this story. It
represents what a truly dominant competitor should be all about. Guys like Miller, Jordan,
Hernandez, and Robinson are so far beyond shakable that opponents, instead of playing mental
games, cower for fear of inspiring them. ; I don't particularly like dirty players. Their
relationship to competition, to ego, to sport, to art, to violence, to foul play – it all rubs me the
wrong way. The next step in my own training would be to channel my gut reaction into intensity.
This is not so hard once you get comfortable in that heated-up place. It is more about sweeping
away the cobwebs than about learning anything new." True inspiration, said Michelangelo, is
about "releasing the hand from the marble by removing what does not belong." And, this is
precisely the ultimate purpose of learning to trash talk through Woofing or Playing the Dozens.
101 ways to kill yourself and do it again tomorrow
Yamamoto Tsunetomo begins the 18th Century text Hagakure (The Way of the Samurai) with,
"The way of the samurai is found in death; If by setting one's heart right every morning and
evening, one is able to live as though his body were already dead, he gains freedom in the Way.
Every day when one's body and mind are at peace, one should meditate upon being ripped
apart by arrows, rifles, spears, and swords, being carried away by surging waves, being thrown
into the midst of a great fire, being struck by lightning, being shaken to death by a great
earthquake, falling from thousand-foot cliffs, dying of disease, or committing seppuku at the
death on one's master. And, every day without fail one should consider himself as dead." It is
the samurai's affinity for death as a summation for his willingness to sacrifice (while not seeing
death as his sole end) that differentiates him from warriors of other cultures. This code of honor
in death forms the basis for Bushido, which is analogous to the Western concept of Chivalry.
Chivalry has the advantage of stating a great love is required for great character due to finding
fighting without first experiencing great love often resulted in excessive violence and pillaging.
The resulting fighting styles, however, only ever measured success in terms of body count. With
a greater sympathy for failure, Eastern cultures were more about preserving face for all parties.
"The thought of suicide is a powerful solace:
by means of it one gets through many a bad night." Nietzsche (1886)
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Dr. Stout has found greater passion for and wisdom about life in survivors of great trauma (like
natural disasters, abuse, as well as psychosomatic illness) than in any priest, teacher, or book –
people whose lives who are less scarred are just less profound, have fewer goals, and live lives
filled with but more shallow distractions. We've all heard of the need for suffering to be a great
poet and studies have shown a correlation between depression and creativity. Underlying the
various forms of heart rendering pain, the one thing in common is a well articulated response to
the question: Shall I choose to die or shall I choose to live? Many people respond with anger to
my opening assertion that everyone thinks about suicide – "Not me!" they exclaim. But, they've
likely just never addressed this live or die question and only live by default. Just as no decision
is a decision, most people live day in and day out but in the wholly apathetic execution (both of
life as well as of death) of never really making a decision, including their partners, careers, and
where they live. "Let others leave their future in someone else's hands, but not you." – Jim Rohn
Just as we shouldn't allow others to think for us, we should be cautious about trying to think for
others. Dr. Stout was more impressed with her Grandmother's ability to live consciously for 80
years than to her ability to consciously end her life. Christ said the greatest example of love is
when we are willing to die for another, but it is in fact when we are willing to live for another as
that involves dying daily. When dealing with friends, family, or patients who express suicidal
thoughts, it is assumed the "correct" response is to forcibly answer that question for them, "You
do not want to die!" We tell them, if not verbally, with every possible expression that feeling bad
is not permitted. Yet, we should carefully consider the arrogance in thinking we have the right to
insure no one ever be allowed to die, whether by manipulation, legal means, or physical force.
"The Law of Suffering," (Gandhi, 1920) is a doctrine proposing the endurance of suffering as a
means to a moral progress - arming the individual (and society) with moral power rather than
physical power. "Things of fundamental importance to the people are not secured by reason
alone, but have to be purchased with their suffering." (Gandhi, 1931) Martial arts is never about
removing a weapon, but only disabling a threat. Often, though, this must be done physically.
There are six levels of self-defense: 1) getting beaten up (or, utter failure), 2) becoming invisible
to the attacker or a standoff, 3) beating them up, 4) disabling the threat, 5) talking someone out
of a desire for violence, and 6) where just one's presence is able to moderate violent desires in
others. Any of these responses can be appropriate to a given situation (or one's skill level).
"Where there is only a choice between cowardice and violence, I would advise violence." (Mind
of Gandhi, 1967) Conflict isn't just natural - it's desirable as per Deming, Senge, and all modern
management experts (growth requires change requires conflict). And, movies are boring without
it. "The object is to convert, not to coerce, the wrong-doer" (Gandhi, 1939). Success is defined
by cooperating with an opponent to meet a just end that the opponent is unwittingly obstructing.
More often than not, however, the greatest (as well as most well hidden) opponent is ourselves.
Emerson hits us over the head over and over with a singular idea, like a big hammer labeled,
"believe in yourself." But, he does this to also hit himself over the head, over and over, because
he personally was deeply insecure. That's not indicative of any arrested personality; his doubts
had damn good reasons to exist. At one point, he lost his dream job offer at Harvard Divinity
due to a speech asserting his doctrine of the God within which came from losing his young wife
of just 18 months to tuberculosis. Then, a few years later, he lost his 5 year old son to scarlet
fever. Self-reliance is a pretty puny doctrine in light of such tragedy. It's depressing to think all
we can know is what is within us. When you look at your life, if you follow your "inner gyroscope"
and do things and take courses that just "feel right," it might look to others (parents in particular)
as if you just can't make up your mind and are zigzagging all over the place. The coherence,
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however, will be an inner one, perhaps not even visible to you, but over time, it will probably
make sense, just as you have to zigzag when sailing to reach a point most directly up wind.
Even if we don't like ourselves, we need to always have self-reverence, being our biggest fan.
The key is to "properly" define what it means to "feel right." Dr. Freud's psyche model included
an Id, Ego, and Super-ego. I think of the Id as our "dog-like" characteristic. I can always get your
dog (if you have one) to "love" me more than you by simply giving him better treats. Moreover,
when a male chimpanzee finds his mate is cheating, he quickly has sex with her. He has large
testicles and produces about 1 million sperm. Most of the sperm are in fact warriors (chokers
and blockers) and cannot fertilize the egg. Apes, on the other hand, simple beat the competing
male to death and correspondingly they have very small testicles. Apes are considered by many
to thusly be less "ethical," but Apes cannot change just as a Chimp can never act like an Ape.
Sadly, most human relationships and decisions are based only on getting better treats with lines
like "I'll love you if you love me." Similarly, the most likely reason we consider suicide is simply
failing to get sufficient treats for our Id (and it can't change). The treat-based Id develops after
birth (being the first real pain needing to be suppressed to go on living) thus giving rise to the
nature vs. nurture debate. I argue the only times we exhibit our humanity are the rare moments
when we are able to exceed both our unconscious environmental and genetic programming.
But, typically we live only (as apes and chimps) doing simply whatever gratifies our Ids' desires.
The Id doesn't care about reality or about the needs of others, but only its own satisfaction. And
so, the greatest human motivator, the "Confirmation Bias," is when reality and other's needs are
twisted to but satisfy the Id; occurring at a minimum 95% of the time. Thus, our brain is mostly
used rationalizing feeding our Id (through myths like common sense) and keeping this secret
(known to our subconscious) under wraps. Thus, the scariest thing is being known (by others or
ourselves). Dr. Schnarch showed nine out of ten people in fact cannot have an orgasm without
the room dark or their eyes closed in order to keep "being known" down to a tolerable level. Dr.
Schnarch also says good communication between couples is unimportant as everyone's Id all
basically wants the same treats – and, we're already quite experienced in making our Id happy.
Modern gurus recommend refusing any guilt over being selfish and suggest we are but hurt
gods (being a god meaning to never having to say you're sorry). Communism is likewise based
on removing "evil" systems (specifically capitalism and religion) to allow a perfect socialist man
of pure character to emerge. Shame is one thing your dog can't do (another is art). Yet, "good"
shame doesn't humiliate or leave us feeling helpless. Our ability to be human and exceed our
Id's programming is in the hands of our Ego. The Ego understands that ignoring others can hurt
us in the long run. It's where logic and critical thinking skills can develop. Mental or emotional
health is in fact defined in terms of how much decision making is done by the Ego. Salespeople
are often told that if you are accountable to no one but yourself, you're in trouble. Isidore Rabi
tells how his mother kept him accountable with "Izzy, did you ask any good questions today?"
Only by questioning others and allowing them to do the same to us do we grow healthy Egos.
Our moral blueprint is the domain of our Super-ego. Many equate this with the conscience or
"feeling right." While it is healthy to maintain a mythical blue-print for heroes in our Super-ego,
we must never allow such childhood fables to make it into our practical Ego worldview. We can't
be Superman. Critical to safety is becoming part of a gang (zebras have obnoxious stripes to
become invisible in a crowd) as gangs are a natural defense for the disfranchised. We best do
this by categorizing our Id by our Super-ego ideals; such as I am an engineer, Christian, rebel,
information maven. These are the categorizations by which we should build our "churches" or
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supporting communities. Growth also requires constructing such communal crucibles of support.
The next Symbiotic Age, where networks of trust define success, will need workout centers for
our Super-Egos. Olympic efforts require Olympic Super-Egos. Unfortunately, what "feels right"
often gets stuck in our unconscious (where we keep it to safely handle at some sheltered time in
the future). One way to communicate with this hidden conscience is called free association. This
is often done today through "a feeling laid on my heart" from a version of prayer or "sleeping on
it" as was done in primitive societies with a Vision Quest or Australians with a Walkabout, which
should be more than just a vacation. But, there are times, said Dr. Freud, when "the super-ego
becomes over-severe, abuses the poor ego, humiliates it and ill-treats it, threatens it with the
direst punishments, reproaches it for actions. The super-ego applies the strictest moral standard
to the helpless ego which is at its mercy (Lecture 31, New Introductory Lectures). Thus Super-
Ego gyms will also need to develop the Ego's ability to control and limit one's moral compasses.
Neither our desires (our Id) nor the righteousness of service (our Super-Ego) should make our
choices. This is also true for our teams, gangs, charities, and their social super-egos as well.
Balance (including perfect "imbalance") can only be found in the rationality of a functioning Ego.
"The greatest madness of all is to live life the way it is, rather than as it should be." – Cervantes
Thus, times when we are decatergorized (feeling we've lost our feeling of belonging), derealized
(feeling we've lost our ability to test for truth), and depersonalized (losing our persistent belief in
moral love) are when anyone would feel socially phobic. These three metrics define a balanced
identity based on personal answers to questions from "How do I fit in?" to "How am I unique?"
Estimates vary, but up to 3 out of 4 say they understand what being depersonalized feels like
(no longer feeling unique). Over half of combat troops return home with a distorted sense of self
such that he or she no longer feels like themselves. Any stressful events or drug use can cause
it as well. Dr. Caputo (2010) found long staring in a mirror under low light can also generate the
feeling. Without balance, we have no defense against the cruelty of other's Ids or the unfairness
of life. Defining our sense of self only by what we like or our ability to meet goals is what makes
failure so life threatening; failure is less risky if we define ourselves rather by who we want to be.
The first rule in debating is to know your opponent's argument (ideally better than they do) and
to be ready with a point by point rebuttal. I find Atheists often believe no rational person could
believe in God. I don't see them as "real" Atheists as I say that should someone who feels the
argument against a deity was simply more convincing. To me, those believing there is no valid
religious argument didn't come to be an Atheist; they only ran from being religious. The same, of
course, is true for many Christians in that their religious choice was only following their parent's
rituals. In the same way, how can anyone hope to properly answer the "should I live" question
without first seriously considering suicide? A key step to intentional living is clarifying your best
arguments for why you would be better off dead. We know there are good reasons to consider
suicide, but we hide from them. After that, while you may know deep down that none of us is
perfect, what you might not in any way realize is that our best qualities and our worst traits are
normally one and the same (as suggests Judy Smith in Good Self, Bad Self). This is important.
In sales, this is known as "Making the Skeletons Dance." For example, one who can flatly reject
your product has at least thought about it, in fact, likely thought about it much more than one
who is willing to listen to your pitch. Agree with anyone providing what you know to be your or
your product's greatest flaws, even brag about them: "Absolutely! Yes, we are known for being
more expensive and less reliable! Why is that? Because, our product can do the work of three of
our competitors and can be repaired with no down time." One should never try to hide the
"rotting rhinos" as they won't remain hidden long. Barry Maher says in Filling the Glass: The
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Skeptic's Guide to Positive Thinking in Business "If you can brag about a negative, you've made
peace with it; having a skeleton in the closet is a lot more fun when you can make it dance."
George Bernard Shaw wrote in Immaturity (1931) "If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton,
you may as well make it dance." For example, stiff people who are afraid of their own emotions
tend to be very conscientious and excellent teachers; clingy people who are most afraid that
people might become angry and never come back are the most steady and great technicians;
angry people who fear there is no love for them are good persuaders; and, chaotic and shallow
people are great social connectors. For this last personality, consider Paul Revere who was too
stupid to remember "one if by sea" and too cowardly not to tell everything to the British when
picked up later that night. But, the American Revolution could have ended right there without
him as he knew who to tell (the biggest gossips) to best get the word out. In The Tipping Point,
Michael Galdwell shows that the most stiff, angry, and shallow to be the finest change agents. I
want to limit this comparison, however, to personalities and not to ignorant and shallow, which
have no actual value. We may tolerate these two characteristics of youth, but only in the young.
There was a presentation made during the APA annual conference in 2013 on the advantages
of being Bi-polar. Four distinguished panelists talked about research showing how people with
the bipolar disorder tend to exhibit advantages in some parts of their lives. Dr. Johnson teaches
at UC Berkley and does basic research on mania. She showed how manics tend to work harder
towards ambitions due to being more reactive to rewards and goals in their lives. She believes
understanding why mania is linked so strongly with success can lead to better ways to predict
manic episodes. Dr. Ketter teaches at Stanford School of Medicine and runs their Bipolar Clinic.
He covered the strong relationship between creativity and bipolar (as with all mood disorders)
and is trying to understand why this link is so strong. Dr. Freeman teaches at UC San Francisco
School of Medicine and has been working with management executives with bipolar for the past
15 years. He spoke on the connection with entrepreneurship and how bipolar passion can either
facilitate outstanding success or predispose catastrophic failure depending on how they deal
with their condition showing how proper treatment and coaching can make being bipolar a great
asset instead of a curse. Dr. Ghaemi is the director of the Mood Disorders Program at Tuffs
Medical Center and is the forefront of the movement to see a more positive view of bipolar. I
have already mentioned his book on uncovering the links between leadership and mental
illness. He said doctors wishing to help bipolar patients must first get out of their way before
they can help produce a paradigm shift (diversity is always good AFTER conflict resolution).
Again, along with knowing why you should be dead, you need to know how you want to die. But,
how can one do this "experimentally?" Dr. David Cook, a psychologist who received his Ph.D. in
Sports Psychology, tells of fulfilling his life-long dream of getting his pilot's license. His first time
up was all he had hoped for, like flying on ice. His instructor asked if he was having a good time
and fiddled with something on the control panel. Suddenly the engine went dead. "What are you
going to do?" yelled the instructor. "I don't know" replied Mr. Cook, "I suppose I should keep the
nose down to keep from stalling." "Where do you plan to land?" asked the instructor. "I'll land on
the road below us." "Not a good idea with all those cars and power lines." "Then, I'll land in that
field." "Those black dots are cows – that could be a problem." "I'll land in that corn field." Just
then the stall siren went off reminding David he was failing to keep the plane's nose down and
so he corrected. "Are you going to land with or against the rows of corn? If you land against, the
plane will flip over." David corrected his path to land with the rows and just as he was 500 feet
from the ground, the instructor fiddled with the panel again and the engine came back. After
returning to their original altitude, the instructor said, "I will never let you fly alone or take anyone
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else flying until you know what to do in every situation." David likes to take his pro golf clients for
a similar lesson to help them develop confidence. There are safe ways to face "death" (aka your
fears), from parachuting and paragliding to the fear of failure in starting a business. "Avoidance
is the cause of all anxiety; exposure is the cure for all anxiety." The Tibetan Book of the Dead.
The way we distort statements and actions often comes from a lack of experience, but go slow.
In sales, a "Puppy Dog" close is based on the idea "If a dog is too much pet for you, how about
a cute little puppy?" This idea is additionally expressed with "one bite at a time, you can eat an
elephant" and "a journey starts with the first step." And so, start small. "Becoming a force of
nature doesn't mean that all of our aspirations must be 'grand.' First steps are often small, and
initial visions that focus energy effectively often address immediate problems. What matters is
engagement in the service of a larger purpose rather than lofty aspirations that paralyze action.
Indeed, it's a dangerous trap to believe that we can pursue only 'great visions,'" so wrote Dr.
Peter Senge in Presence: Human Purpose and the Field of the Future (2008). Of the hundred
entrepreneurial Harvard Grads asked if their successful businesses has followed their original
plans, all answered they had heavily modified them. One core reason to start small is that you
will surely make many expensive mistakes on any road to success. Success and failure are not
different paths at a fork in life as success is always on the other side of failure. Being good at life
necessarily means being good at failure (which comes from plenty of practice). And, you don't
want to be stressed about unrealistic tasks that were part of some psychological manipulation.
Too often, a mobbing includes being set up to fail. The outcome of any failed task can be easily
used to discredit and shame you. So, make sure your goals are yours and yours alone. John
Maxwell reminds us "people are set up to fail" by themselves "if they envision what they want to
do before they figure out what kind of person they should be" in Talent is Never Enough (2007)
Thus, the only way to live is to die to yourself (a sort of "Revolutionary Suicide"). "For whoever
wants to save his life will lose it. He must deny himself and take up his cross daily." Christ's
disciples routinely demonstrated overt concern for their own lives – for example, they carried
weapons against His instructions and they fled when He was arrested. Peter demonstrated a
temporary apostasy of sorts until crying, dying to his shame (something Judas couldn't do), and
returning. In choosing to die to the need to be in control, we choose to take the humble start of a
process of continually understanding the greatest burden we bear in this life is ourselves. It can
seem unfair that we must ask God for forgiveness for things generally not of our choosing (such
as Judas for having Satan control him to betray Christ), but it is only through such a third person
narrative of absolution that one can learn to forgive themselves. Food will taste better and yet
diets will start to work. Plus, it will reduce the drama, depression, and unhealthy relationships
we naturally seem to attract. So, how, why, and where will you "kill" yourself today? (see here)
I find it poignant frankincense and myrrh are harvested by allowing tree resins from wounds to
harden as tears considering David said, "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and
a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise." (Psalms 51:17) When the sick Hezekiah "wept
bitterly" in prayer, the Lord answered, "I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; behold,
I will heal you." Prayerful tears were innovations in Hebrew culture, replacing earlier offerings of
animal sacrifices. Augustine had wanted to cry when his mother died but he forced himself not
to, and at her funeral he sheds no tears. Later, when alone and praying, he offered his tears to
God, "for her sake and mine. The tears which I had been holding back streamed down, and I let
them flow as freely as they would, making of them a pillow for my heart. On them it rested, for
my weeping was for your ears alone, not in the ears of men who might have misconstrued it and
despised it." Crying as a part of a public ceremony would have shown him "guilty of too much
49

worldly affection," but his private crying was a sincere offering to God. Moreover, the failure to
suppress tears can be emotionally harmful (The Crying Game by Dr. Bolstad). Indonesian tribes
believe crying except at death can in fact cause illness and research shows crying even during
a sad movie can increase depression, anxiety, anger, and pain (Labott, 1987 and 1990; Gross,
1994). Dr. Cornelius (2001) showed "good" crying occurs only at problem resolution and not just
for pain. Even infants knows crying is for inspiring real changes in one's physical world and not
just feeling better. If you don't feel better about life actually being better, it's really just whining.
Just because you can, doesn't mean you should
The Serenity Prayer not only provides the poor suggestion that there are things we can't change
(Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ") but that the key basis for things we
should change are those things we can. That's overtly ridiculous. Similarly, how can a religion
that tells people they're inherently bad help them be closer to love? Well, the life we normally
lead is but a recipe for failure and ruin. Our desperate need to feel special has little to do with
wanting to feel loved as love is about accepting our true self. Just as the OT Prophet Obadiah
warned there was no greater sin than doing a task if it wasn't true to the self you were meant to
be, Tod Marinovich ("Robo Quarterback") once said, "Just because you're good at something
doesn't mean you were meant to do it." Life be the journey. Tod wanted to BECOME history's
greatest quarterback, it was his destiny. But, BEING it wasn't. David did not show doubt in God
when he picked up five rocks and not just one when he fought Goliath as in Jewish culture ten
represents everything and so five refers to God because God, truth, and love are not external
entities but exist in our relationships. David was demonstrating his faith in God was also a faith
in himself as it was a faith in the relationship he had spent a lifetime building with his ideals. He
had died to everything, including the David others thought he was. Similarly, Paul wrote "For the
good that I would, I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do." Paul then reveals Christians
are free from sin. How can someone who continually sins at the same time be "free" from sin?
Paul meant he had died to overwhelming quilt and was free from the need to hide from failures.
If you're like me, you've got plenty of troubles and dirty laundry. Of course, you're like me. And
so, it's time to learn "the enemy is no longer separate from the soldier." Half of all marriages end
in divorce, half of the rest are miserable, and those remaining have sufficient problems they've
certainly thought about divorce. Running away doesn't actually change anything. Divorce only
increases the likelihood of having yet another divorce. Authentic happiness comes best from
successfully working it out when you find yourself with what was the worst possible choice for a
mate you but made in passion's madness. Alas, the other person probably doesn't want to hear
it because the relationship was only one of convenience. That's not being judgmental; it's not all
that different from how we view life. Life was accepted by us for but its convenience and so we
easily ended up ready to end it all when it was no longer convenient. Great personal growth can
only happen when we inspire (not coerce) change in others. We are defined by whom we love
and not by who loves us. Be more accepting and patient but while also expecting much more.
When we're feeling low is the best time to give up the need for life to be convenient. You might
try listening more proactively. Research shows we hear less than half of what we're told (we're
even worse at "hearing" ourselves). By becoming a better listener, one can be more persuasive
and productive. And, it can help avoid conflict and misunderstandings. Skills for listening to the
words, intonation, and body language of others, can be improved, say, by looking directly at
people, mentally repeating what you hear, and not building a rebuttal but instead reflecting by
paraphrasing with "What I'm hearing is." It's good to allow speakers to finish without being in
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51
any hurry and without interrupting with counter arguments. Active listening starts with open-ended
questions that can't be answered with just a "yes" or "no." What have you got to lose?
There are sadly few opportunities to learn this as a kid as getting heard is usually just a battle of
volume and creative storytelling. Most therapists tend to view family relationships largely as one
of struggle and controversy. Rather than any overt abuse, the most likely instigator is just a lack
of mature monitoring for conflicts by our teachers and parents. Freud labeled and detailed our
obsession concerning sibling rivalry for love and attention (true since Adam and Cain). We sadly
have no rituals that build or celebrate the sibling bond. Dr. Leder (1993) and Dr. Sanders (2004)
believe the impact of sibling relationships on how we develop has been underemphasized in the
literature on child development. Such rivalry often lingers later in life; one third of adults describe
their relationship with siblings as distant. Yet, few will ever be able to recall who or what may
have turned them against one another. In fact, sibling relationships are actively deemphasized
in industrialized cultures and rivalry more common, especially in adolescence. Research shows
such negative sibling influences can increase social vulnerabilities and delinquency. And so,
conflict resolution and active listening skills must be acquired later in life and siblings are more
likely to reconcile the older they are (and 40% of "distant" siblings develop close ties after 60).
For example, open-ended questions can encourage topic expansion in order to get past words
and to the actual intent. Useful questions include: "What do you mean?" "What alternatives have
you considered?" "When did you first believe that and what led up to your decision?" In many
ways active listening is characterized more by what is not done or said. Unsuitable nonverbal
gestures include yawning, multitasking, putting your feet up, and daydreaming. Plus, being too
aggressive in questioning can be a face threat (such as asking a stranger how much money he
or she has or what kind of deodorant he or she prefers). Social Penetration Theory shows we
trust people who gradually engage in self-disclosure and we tend to then disclose more to those
people we like. "You've got to be believed to be heard" says Bert Decker (2008). Small Talk
emphasizes interpersonal goals in a ritualized way to "grease the wheels." But, this only works if
there is a repeated sharing of spoken as well as appearance affirmations. Ideally, you need to
get people to say "yes" repeatedly. Such affirmations can be the result of most any question.
Susan Roane, the "Mingling Maven," says effective networking requires a person simply to "Be
bright, be brief, be gone." Dale Carnegie said smile, use their name, question, and listen. Most
all people have no idea where they're going when speaking to others (in the say way they live).
Empathetic listening is more than getting to the core of things in a non-judgmental way using
culturally proper etiquette. An empathetic listening additionally includes a first-rate emotional
understanding based on genuine interest in others. This can't be faked or steps we merely walk
through. Dr. Livingston found managers just mouthing compliments to employees they didn't
actually believe only fashioned negative results. Facilitative listening goes beyond even that as
it also facilitates the other person's need to communicate by building safe boundaries. To get
past words to the meaning of things, you'll need to have thought (and practiced) very carefully
about what you will ask and how you will respond (including providing timely pauses). This is the
advice of all modern communication experts and yet most therapists in their incompetence see
such strategies only indicate some sort of need to control. Thusly, therapists again tend to only
minimize society's ability to move past achieving only our selfish motives by being self-aware.
When we fail to encourage measurable improvements in others, it's just easier to blame them.
What if overwhelming displacement and disillusionment become so pervasive it had created a
"psychological genetics" within the community that had eliminated all opportunities for recover?

There's no professional advice for how to make good relationship choices and communicate
clearly when everyone's broken. We would then be wholly unable to see what's wrong even
when directly confronted. The first rule I have learned about life is we all get most upset about
those things we can't face about ourselves. We need to see such messages indirectly, out of
the corner of our eyes, in the third person. This is the aim of Narrative Therapy. In the attempt to
avoid traditional "medical model" language because it's common overuse by therapists only end
up pathologizing patients (rather than simply edifying out objectifying speech), though, this field
often throws the baby out with the bathwater and tends to over simplify the human condition.
Bible stories provide numerous examples of Narrative Therapy. For example, people always
confuse the story of when Moses came to the King of Egypt with ten plagues and dire warnings
as an attempt to provide a direct narrative for the King to change but God is repeatedly quoted
as to having made a (outwardly unfair) freezing of such change in the King. This is because the
narrative was really to provide an externalization of sin for the Jews by a use of the third person,
helping them to accept how they themselves had become alienated from their values, hopes,
and commitments by being part of a socio-political "mob" for a self-destructive reality. Does this
sound familiar? This greater articulation through externalizing language and relevant audiences
provided not only the classic narrative "breaking of the ice" but additionally a step-by-step action
plan that built not only a subjective reference to understanding but also an objective neutral one
to allow an unfreezing of inaccurate political "rightness" and then a slow refreezing of a healthier
more measurable worldview. Too often, such references for the need of specific measurable
objectivity seem sadly to be refused by modern narrative practitioners where they end up only
being their own worst enemies. But, this can also be very useful for internal conversations.
Hume's "Bundle Theory" suggests there are no authentic conceptions of self, only a bundle of
associated wholly inaccurate memories further perverted by groupthink. Sadly, this is the most
common way to create an identity: one that is founded but on our Id. But, an idealized narrative
(where idealized again means not authentic) can create this other identity, a Super-ego (for
ourselves as well as for our relationships), that our ego (and Team Charter) can integrate into a
seemingly magically authentic base self. This is Freud's Ego and Strawson's Pearl view of self.
Dr. Spelke proposed (1994, 2000) that "adult" knowledge of the physical world stems more from
experience-independent innate principles. Without such idealizing we are left with our insane Id
("there is always some reason in madness" Nietzsche). Dr. Deming (the father of Quality Mgt)
said "Experience alone teaches nothing; you do not accumulate thirty years of experience; you
merely repeat one year thirty times." A strong sense of self must also include a strong group
identity, even if such an identity is not completely truthful (Dr. Bruce Hood's Self Illusion series).
When it comes to building a more accurate self image, a group narrative (measured more by its
emotional than factual accuracy) keeps us from deju vu "eyelash" living. A process of idealizing
is required to keep a team identity from sinking into the natural gang groupthink. While being
like others and getting on with them can create a sense of being a participating member of the
human race, that can happen only after first building a strong independent sense of ourselves.
In other words, you clearly can't know and love others without first knowing and loving yourself.
So, what are your values? When young, we take our parents' values – but we need more as we
grow up. For me, the next best place to find myself was to consider my childhood heroes from
the movies: Mary Poppins and Frank Serpico. One person who could make any chore fun and
another who was willing to risk everything for what he believed. Values are very important to
me. I tend to challenge organizations to make actions congruent with values and to recognize
the effects on people, and I do not do well where such self-examination is discouraged. When
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we look to Christ, we shouldn't be concerned with trying to do what He did (taking the wrath of
God's anger for sin in the world) but with understanding the values that motivated His actions.
How do you want to proclaim or express your value choices? This is what really defines you.
You're unlikely to remember much before your 4th birthday as you weren't really defined yet.
The beginning birth of values defines us, our minds, and our memories. This is only a beginning.
True communal memories likewise require a formal ethical birth for any participating loyalties.
To be "true" to oneself, one critically needs admirable goals, a clear understanding of where one
will and can stand, a process of honest and objective review, and a day-to-day plan for how to
get things done and paid for. In business, these ideas are formalized in a Mission statement (an
unidentified soldier in WWII that could not state his mission was automatically shot), a SWOT
Analysis (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats), a Marketing Plan (updating it at
least quarterly), an Implementation Plan (with good time and resource performance metrics),
and a Financial Plan (with a Working Capital Policy). But, these concepts can carry a real punch
only when they are based on a strong and legitimate vision ("where there is no vision, the
people perish" Proverbs 24:18). A vision is a brief statement of one's to-be bucket list (who to be
before kicking the bucket) for a continuing focus on quality, relationships, heart, and principles.
Dr. Senge showed real change can only come from personal mastery (especially of math and
the scientific method) mixed with reflective conversations (mirroring or a team charter), a shared
vision, as well as a systems based understanding. Senge said, "That's when presence occurs.
We shift from repeating past patterns and mistakes to transforming the emerging future." This
starts, however, as Gilbert says in Stumbling on Happiness, with being continually unhappy with
the world and thus striving to change it. Warren Buffet has said while others look at the changes
needed in the world and ask "Is that possible?" that he instead looks and only asks "Do I care?"
We should also take a class in sales (in 1986, Dr. Paul Wehr found 59% of universities offered
at least one course in techniques such as negotiations, collective bargaining, arbitration, and
mediation) for restructuring the world's inter-organizational and inter-personal hierarchies and
identities. I've written a popular text on this (*). This can start at any age. When Alexandra Scott
was four-years old, she started a lemonade stand to raise money to fight cancer, she raised
$2,000 the first year but kids around the country followed suit and together rose over $900,000.
Research into motivation has suggested humans are chiefly reactive; that is to say, we generate
responses to stimuli (Skinner) such as certain physiological, social, and psychological needs
(Maslow), or certain satisfiers and dissatisfiers (Herzberg, Mausner, and Snyderman), expected
payoffs and the prevailing environment (Porter and Lawler; Vroom and Yetton), individual goals
(Locke), or by expectancy cognitive processes (Hoy and Miskel). The number of wide-ranging
viewpoints suggests that "conceptual clarity will not result in one unified theory of motivation"
(Pintrich) as well as the need "to consider frameworks larger than the self" (Weiner). Spirituality
is core to one's quality of life and sense of well being (Maslow; Buber; Campbell; Diener; Fox;
Paloutzian and Kirkpatrick). Drs. Woodruff and Cashman have likewise recently advocated the
need for a "spiritual" dimension. Drs. Leider and Shapiro (Repacking Your Bags) showed the
greatest fear is "Having lived a meaningless life." But, real meaning must be a shared object.
What keeps us from building key spiritual communities of support? It is the feeling that no one
could possibly be going through the same insanity or ending up at the same sad place. Suicidal
thoughts are often resolved by being able to talk freely with people behaving similarly. Where
could I, for example, ever find others so weird as to write something like this craziness? Group
Therapy, of course, is specifically designed to discover how we are not unusual no matter what
we've experienced or done. A baby starts out with only the simplest functioning mental abilities.
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But, when a surprisingly small densely-packed region at the brain's base increases connections,
coordination increases and a self is born. The same is true concerning the human associations
needed for the development of a shared identify. Significant activities amongst a small central
group can energize the surrounding community due to natural mimicking of any behavior (we
are more dependent on others than we appreciate). Leadership does not come from a leader
but from the team built by the first follower. Start then by finding kooks to follow and team.
The ability to solve complicated problems using a shared self is so valuable the human brain
has evolved to be 10% smaller over the past 10 millennia as the development of shorter and
faster neural links for language turns out to be more useful than the intelligence needed for
personal problem solving. For every ten made neural (or human) connections, four are typically
culled (or, in Facebook terms, unfollowed). There have been various critical social process
improvements that generated exponential paradigm shifts causing informational singularities
throughout history. The Agricultural Revolution (when corn, rice, and wheat happened to adapt
to environmental changes after the last ice age) for the Hunter-Gatherer, then the Industrial
Revolution (based on sudden increases in global trade due to larger sailing ship and the steam
engine) and the Information Revolution (based on developingintelligent data silos). But, what's
next? As I mentioned earlier, many suggest we are already in the Symbiotic Age's revolution of
relational sciences for networks of customer generated sub-economies using social currencies.
Collapsing social norms, increasing job displacement, and mounting wealth mal-distribution will
bring greater pressures for better education (especially financial) and social ego development.
How can one person generate sufficient conflict for evolution (or revolution)? Reconciliation is
not about changing truth as it is us who are to be reconciled to accept what is true. Confucius
said the first task of reconciliation was "defining the names of things" as justice is not possible
when words do not correspond properly to facts. At first, we reject great artists (or saints). But,
they gnaw at us until our worldview changes. For instance, Ronald Coase's "The Nature of the
Firm" was so controversial it took 54 years for him to get a Nobel Prize. Plato's definition of art
as imitation of life was employed until last century's anti-essentialist movement, fueled by the
collage art style (starting with Picasso's Still Life with Chair Caning) that carried us beyond the
cubistic illusion of multiple perspectives to a far more real collective view of the spiritual impact
of the world on our well-being. Art is life; life is art. Today, the common failure of art books to
make a "proper" distinction between montage and collage threatens this reflective art revolution.
The social revolution associated with the American and French Revolutions birthed the attitude
(implied, said Williams, in the word Romanticism) that for great art to occur, as Nietzsche stated,
"two things must come together: The immense understanding of those who cause it to happen,
and the immense understanding of those who experience it." These two groups represent the
first two of real change, the first preacher and the first follower. Social Constructionism works in
this way to describe how people cooperate in building the subjective element of our social reality
(Berger and Luckmann's 1966 The Social Construction of Reality). "Each society needs critics
and artists to idealize a higher order of freedom than that which has been actually attained."
Ben Agger, On Happiness and the Damaged Life, in John O'Neill's (ed.), On Critical Theory.
The modern concepts of emotional intelligence (Dr. Daniel Goleman) and will power (as per Dr.
Howard Rachlin's The Science of Self Control) are defined by behaviorists as one's learned
ability (via Taylor's sticks and carrots in Scientific Management, 1911 but more by just treating
people fairly) to do just the opposite of what makes us happy (or "hyperbolic discounting"). If we
are really ready to grow up and give up our belief in humankind's innate goodness, DARE, court
witnesses, the Super Bowl, "strong" STJ leaders, and making women happy, this is what the
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recent Occupy Movement should be about. Our current communities must fail in order to allow
them to actively seek for something better. The World Bank says that 25 years ago, the bottom
quarter of the world's poor had 24% of the world's income; now, after a quarter century of hard
core happiness seeking, they have only 1.2%. Continuing to live as we have is not sustainable.
55
"For the lotus flower to fall is for it to rise to the surface" Henry S. Okazaki
Lotus plants live under water and so when one of its flowers "falls" off, it can only rise to the top.
Most martial arts have names that imply gentleness. To understand how lethal techniques can
be gentle lies in the philosophical foundation. In Judo terminology, the one being thrown is the
"uke" or receiver. Students spend most of their time learning how to fall as falling (or failing) is
life's most common activity. Becoming the best at failure is respected as being more productive
than being the best at success. Not only is falling a common experience and how quickly we are
able to pick ourselves up after a fall a key metric of character, but we learn far more from failure.
Judo initiates are likely at first to be apprehensive about looking silly during uncontrolled flipping
or about getting hurt. The mentality of the uke, however, is not one of resignation or stubborn
resistance. The fall does not signal defeat as one can control the fall by absorbing the force and
bouncing up again developing skill and determination. In established training halls, experienced
students can often be seen happily taking self-sacrificing falls and blows from new students, the
brighter of which soon realize there is something more to this activity then there seems. All learn
respect by bowing and self control with atonement over punishment (such as "dropping for ten"
without being asked when late), or internal self-discipline over all external community liability.
We understand the value of being humble, but what does team humility look like? I've described
what personal humility looks like, but what would "church" modesty and meekness look like.
The most powerful point of a person's punch (or kick) is about an inch from full extension; the
weakest point is at the person's shoulder (or hip). The idea is to diffuse an attacking limb rather
than remove it as breaking the limb could easily escalate any confrontation. Thus, the ideal
position makes you the perfect target as you pass through the greatest danger in order to get
close enough to diffuse the situation. Boxers know the most dangerous punch is the sucker
punch (or a combination); and, focusing on the obvious or first punch will cause you to miss the
real attack. People will likewise cover undermining comments with terms of endearment so we
can feel bad but without understanding how we got to feel that way. We must 1) recognize being
attacked, 2) identify the type of attack, usually hidden, 3) know the best type of response to fit
the attack, and 4) know how to follow through. Mental and physical health requires we develop
the skills to quickly recognize how we are being attacked and know how to defend ourselves.
Again, however, who do we build group identities that know when the group is being attacked
and how does a group defense differ from an individual one – there are no texts on this subject.
The highest authority in the classic dojo was not the instructor, but a Shinto Priest because the
measure of success was character and not by the number of kills. Dojos never advertised but
acquired students only by inviting those deemed worthy (a foreign idea for those who think "fair"
means the greatest access). Senishiro Okazaki, father of judo, often said "Only by cultivating a
receptive state of mind, without preconceived ideas or thoughts can one master the secret art of
reacting spontaneously and naturally, without hesitation and without purposeless resistance."
Or, in the words of Paul Arden (2003), "It's not how good you are; it's how good you want to be."
The highest authority for a team, without authority, must be the ideals – how does an ideal act?
"The empty mind is closer to the truth than the mind filled with falsehoods." - Jefferson

In Kipling's "Jungle Book," Mobley asked the animals what was most feared in the Jungle. He
was told when two animals meet on a narrow path, one must step aside to let the larger animal
pass and so that which would step aside for no other must be the most feared. One suggested
this would be the elephant, another, the lion. Finally, the owl exclaimed, "The most feared thing
in the jungle is death. It steps aside for no one." The reality is we sadly spend our days regularly
stepping aside for death. Christ said He had overcome death for us, that it was possible to get
death (and fear) to step aside for us, including the resulting disappointment, bondage, deficient
time, natural disasters, and physical ailments. I've never met anyone who actually lives this way.
And, that's because it's not a natural way to live, it must be learned. I believe (this is the basis
for Terror Management Theory) it is specifically our suppressed fear of death that causes us to
be squeamish as well as easily be permanently traumatized by unexpected reminders of death.
Jesus said His followers had come to Him by way of His father, and the only way to the father
was through Him. This sounds ridiculous and I've never heard a sermon on this topic as it's just
too confusing. I read these seemingly conflicting declarations as attempting to describe how a
church (the "body of Christ") can invite a follower (rather than an individual such as a pastor).
When a cop stops a drunk on the road, he or she must administer many different eye-hand
coordination tests in order to find one for which the person has not already become an expert. In
the same way, repeated attacks on our identity only work when they can find a path not expertly
blocked. It doesn't even have to be a large road or major attack, just one we don't expect. This
may be how, for instance, a small image can become such a permanently repeating nightmare
for a soldier, EMT, firefighter, construction worker, or just any small child. Rather than trying to
cover every exit, though, we would be better off with a more open approach of facing our fears.
I've talked about how this starts with exposure therapy. There have been many who wanted to
be doctors who found being easily upset at the sight of blood stopped them. The most common
solution is to work around lots of blood (such as in an emergency room). But, this is not really
enough. The intellectual understanding also helps (or cognitive therapy) and building healthier
boundaries (based on the hidden emotion model) can also help. Finally, stronger relationships
are also clearly critically important (spiritual theory) but sadly often overlooked. I think, though,
the real focus should not be on our relationship with mom (Freud) but on our liaison with death.
The sight of bodily secretions (blood, vomit, feces), mutilation (surgeries, wounds, corpses),
decay (human flesh, meat, fish), insects, hospitals, brutal violence, and actions that violate
one's ethics (or social norms) can cause one to be dizzy or even lose consciousness. I've seen
children clean out a litter box by hand and others eat bugs. Feral children, like animals, lack any
"normal" capacity for disgust. Thus, it is clearly taught. Alternately, I've seen rough and tough
men gag from changing a diaper and I've seen girls "die" because of touching urine or diarrhea.
We end up both repulsed and attracted to the feeling (feeding the popularity for shows like Fear
Factor, the Surgery Channel, South Park, as well as cigarettes) with both cultural and individual
differences. There's likely something that's guaranteed to turn your stomach. Not surprising,
there has been very little research on things that repulse us as little research has been done on
flashbacks, but there's support for them being based on rare emotional events involving survival
signals where recalling them feels more like reliving the event. For example, circular burns in
one's front lawn can remind that person of the headlights of a car that hit him or her and trigger
re-experiencing the accident. Flashbacks have been associated with PTSD, acute stress
disorder, OCD, depression, homesickness, near-death experiences, epilepsy, and drug abuse.
So, I'm really talking about working to unlearn our uptight relationship with all powerful death.
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We are capable, though, of suspending our disgust. For example, sharing spit can switch from
revolting to desirable when we add the idea of sex. Similarly, Hitler has "cooties" as people tend
not to want to wear, for example, a sweater if they're told it belonged to Hitler. People who are
disgust sensitive also tend to display a greater fear of death and neuroses (or over socialized);
people who are disgust insensitive tend to be thrill seekers and psychotic (or under socialized).
Both can change. Not who they are but how they act and relate to others. The real change is
our perspective. It is a common belief that people fear change, but we accept huge change for
things like marriage. The most favored phrase is well known to be "I like you" (or "I love you")
but such carries less weight with me due to how often people have said it to me without being
honest. I most like to hear "You make me think." But, it's becoming just as much a letdown for
the same reason. People are rarely able to say what they actually came up with. It's the same
with inspirational books as people can similarly never suggest what they were inspired to do.
When you're hungry, you eat. If you're thirsty, you drink. That's how it's supposed to work. Too
often, however, we eat and drink without being hungry. The same happens with death and fear.
The dread of exposing everything within us that is vulnerable and helpless, inadequate, or ugly
makes being transformed by allowing oneself to deeply know and be known seem impossible.
So simple to articulate, so difficult to achieve, this requires the courage, integrity, and maturity to
face oneself and convey that self, all that one is capable of feeling and expressing, to others.
This begins with the learned ability to mourn well. While mourning our lost childhood dreams is
a natural reflex, our feel good, be happy society never teaches us how (or why) to grieve well.
Quality grieving starts by giving oneself permission to do what's needed, without necessarily
obeying the status quo about how, what, and when you're supposed to grieve. Expressions of
suicidal feelings are typically met with an anti-grief policy based on repressing such thoughts
with shame. Finding our own pace is difficult when all those around us are so uncomfortable
with our grief. Taking off to be alone, say, doesn't provide any external authorization to grieve as
needed to initiate the support network key to properly deal with losing a large part of our social
world (the source of most all stress). People typically work to be serious when with sad friends,
but that's usually not helpful. It's good to encourage moments to laugh (and other distractions)
especially about death. This is one reason Halloween can be particularly spiritually healthy. I
again wrote a paragraph about individual health – how do we translate it to communal health?
Losing someone or something you love will naturally seem unfair. If corresponding anger is not
felt and expressed, a person can be filled with a depression and shame that won't ever go away
as tears (or the heavy use of antidepressants) won't help when, perhaps, yelling (or revenge) is
needed. When the process of grieving, say, is interrupted by having to deal with practical issues
of survival (such as earning a living) or being the strong one to hold a family together, a healthy
resolution can sadly remain unsettled and dormant, only later resurface during seemingly wholly
unrelated unpleasant incidents. When yelling (or getting even), it's critical not to be excessive.
You may be angry with yourself or others for not being able to prevent the loss. Symptoms can
include lost sleep, lost appetite, and restlessness in the first few months. More importantly, the
fear of losing someone or something else is common and can result in the excessive worrying
about the potential for further loss, letting our emotions from loss spill over into everything else.
It can seem like you'll never get over what happened and feel normal again. People associate
such problems only with combat soldiers, but any overwhelming life experience will do this –
especially if the event feels unpredictable and uncontrollable. It can also happen to people just
witnessing great loss or picking up the pieces afterwards (as with friends, family, or emergency
workers). In order to move on, it's important to fully experience your memories and emotions.
Sometimes such releases need to be done alone but more often they need to be safely shared.
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One of the key ways in which people suck is that they usually assume someone else is taking
care of a problem. This is how a dozen people can watch a rape, for instance, and no one will
call the police. It sadly falls on the victim to give one specific person the responsibility such as in
yelling "You in the blue shirt next to the stop sign - call for help now!" Personally, school rarely
taught me anything useful when I was a kid and was usually unsafe. Alas, my parents did little
despite having great resources in those areas. I now believe, much later as an adult, that if I had
given my Dad specific requests, he would have spent hours teaching me. Plus, if I had gone to
my mother and said "Sick 'em!" that no bully (including most teachers) would have dared mess
with me. The same is true of your pain right now. No one is likely coming to your aid (or doing
anything actually useful) as they assume someone else is doing it (despite all evidence to the
contrary). Thus, it falls on you to tell people what you need (even strangers will gladly step up).
It doesn't have to be anything important; you could just, for instance, ask for a glass of water as
watching others jump to help can have the healing effect of reinforcing how you are not alone.
Overt efforts to challenge your normal sense of helplessness are core to overcoming trauma.
Rituals can be very important in helping to find closure through the grieving process. Just as I
once freed myself psychologically of the stress of a high pressure job by ritually changing my
clothes when I got home – a funeral can help us access the finality of a change in our lives. And
so, I have literally buried written lost dreams and relationships in the back yard to help move to
a new peace. Remember funerals are not done alone, talk often about your grief and memories
with people you trust. In the same way a baptism is a public thing, so letting a part of you and
your life go is best shared. Tell those around you what helps and what doesn't (and feel free at
any time to change your mind). Ask others to share times in silence. You can also ask people to
pick up groceries, run small errands, drive you somewhere, or help with other simple chores.
Again, this is not about becoming manipulative but interconnected. So, also work to help others.
In the 4th book of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series entitled So Long and Thanks for
all the Fish, Ford Prefect tells Author Dent of a democratic world of people where lizards rule.
Author asks "why don't the people get rid of the lizards?" And, Ford answers "It honestly doesn't
occur to them. They've all got the vote, so they all pretty much assume that the government
they've voted in more or less approximates to the government they want." The people vote for
the lizards "because if they didn't vote for a lizard, the wrong lizard might get in. Some people
say that the lizards are the best thing that ever happened to them. They're completely wrong of
course, completely and utterly wrong, but someone's got to say it." Lizards are very intriguing
creatures. Their brains had evolved for over 300 million years. Yet, for all their evolution, they
form no bonds as love does not exist for them. They are incapable of dreaming, contemplating
beauty, or of knowing something greater than themselves. So, would you say crying or laughing
would be the best response if you wanted to properly grieve over living in that kind of world (and
I've spent a lot of time and energy proving to you that's exactly the type of world you do live in)?
And, of course, the correct answer is both as well as a good bit of ice cream and lots of gin. ☺
Remember life is designed to be forgotten (sometimes temporarily, but later permanently). We
are supposedly born without a subconscious but one is quickly created to hide the sudden and
never ending list of disappoints that comes with being alive. A work friend once broke his thumb
during a karate match but seemed to be unbothered by it. After the match, however, he bowed,
turned, and fell to his knees in pain. His unconscious fight response had suppressed the pain
until a better time to properly deal with it. I have similarly seen and experienced how resolving a
childhood issue that has forever been on your mind can suddenly somehow be wholly forgotten.
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Sleep, in fact, is primary about forgetting stuff. After a good night's sleep, your brain drops from
consuming 40% of your body's metabolism to 20% as your brain is refreshed for the next day.
So, don't feel guilty about forgetting your pain (whether suppressed for later or outright deleted).
I have found poetry and music about pain can help find the words to release feelings. Keeping a
journal is better. Writing this paper helped me get my feelings and experiences out. Then, try to
decide what lesson(s) you can take away from the experience. Realizing self-awareness is the
one thing you have control over can help you come to terms with not having control over other
areas of your life. Shorten this lesson down to a one sentence mantra and say it often to others.
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Life is a game best played with growth based on shared conflict resolution
New Age philosophy suggests we should "live in harmony with all things." My advice is just the
opposite by suggesting to instead "live in conflict with all things." The first is far more socially
acceptable today (than any real quality effort), but every management guru for 50 years has
stated healthy cultures are only those that actively support (not just tolerate) conflict and teach
conflict resolution rather than avoidance. Moreover, with success being only truly available on
the other side of failure (rather than the more commonly acceptable New Age idea of being a
personal either-or choice), mental health is about enthusiastically seeking geometrically greater
failure while also improving like-minded group efforts. This level of social health has never been
seen as it requires killing our existing social identity based on little more than boring groupthink.
It's scary because that groupthink is based on being special but without any real responsibilities.
How do you die to self without actually dying?
While we like to believe that life drives us crazy, it is more likely that attempts to resolve crazy
stuff drives our life. For example, we might suggest the pressures of work might leave us numb
when it's more likely that feeling numb drove us to get the high pressure job. Engaging in chaos
is a common way to distance our feelings. Normal sadism is deceitfully withholding the intimacy
one actually hungers after (Schnarch, 1997). In The Games People Play (1963), Dr. Eric Bernie
says the most basic relationship roles are Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim. The Rescuer plays
selfless helper without first verifying the Victim wants help. The annoyed Victim then switches to
Persecutor using insults and escalating emergencies to make the Rescuer a Victim. Zimbardo
and Singer (more later) showed a person's identity is primarily based on the roles that we play.
While reflection and relational assistance can, however, overcome the world's rainbow of grays
and such hidden agendas to return us to truth's objective black and white, it takes great candor.
Solomon was demolishing confidence in manmade achievements and wisdom in Ecclesiastes
to show that earthly goals as ends in themselves lead to only dissatisfaction and emptiness.
Ecclesiastes and its realistic view of life counterbalance the unqualified optimism of traditional
wisdom. Proverbs says "the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied" but Ecclesiastes isn't so
sure. Proverbs extols wisdom where Ecclesiastes questions its value. Proverbs affirms justice is
meted to the good and bad, but Ecclesiastes notes this is not always the case. Solomon points
out while a righteous order does exist it is not always evident from our limited finite perspective.
Faith is a belief in something based on rational knowledge and is also something more. It should
not be blind (without any understanding) but be about hope that can be reasonably explained.
Personal growth is about gaining greater differentiation or discrimination (ability to differentiate
and articulate differences). Our normal undifferentiated view that "bad" things happen to us just
fuels our problems. We internalize external situations and magnify and perpetuate the very pain

we seek to resolve. Instead of seeing other people's behavior as a reflection on us, being aimed
at us, or in fact anything to do with us, we should see other people's behavior as but a reflection
of them, aimed at themselves. While most therapists tend to assume others primarily determine
our picture of ourselves and concentrates treatment on what others said to us in our youth, Dr.
Branden showed the greatest wounds are those we inflict on ourselves. Without playing games
we can make promises to ourselves and not to others. The danger of such uncoupling is when
we don't really know who we are and end up without any anchoring point. We then die (perhaps
not literally but still in very real terms). We need to stop taking life personally and work from a
larger worldview. The other option is taking a break, such as "I need to take a break from being
your father, friend, or spouse." "Making love, making a friendship, or making a family are tasks
of constant commitment and of sacrificing some possibilities on behalf of others." (Engelhardt,
1987) While separation can improve or destroy a relationship, we grow specifically by mastering
our anxieties. You can't provide anything to others if you're not around, so prioritize better! And
remember, Peter took a break to grieve over his failure to support Christ but he came back. Paul
left for an 8-14 year retreat as a tent salesman before his mentor, Barnabus, got him to return.
Anxiety problems never affect only one area of our lives but will drive the poorly differentiated
person like the light-aversion of an amoeba, causing one to live in constant flight. Many people
act as if anything increasing anxiety must be "wrong." Problems are the result of our intolerance
for (and susceptibility to) anxiety rather than the anxiety itself. We tend to "improve" our lives by
reducing anxiety and pain rather than more resolution and actively seeking adventure. Living life
to its fullest doesn't come from playing it safe. Alas, often the only way we can see to die to self
is to roll up in the fetal (or bug) position and to actually die. Dying to self is rather about taking
greater (but not foolish) risks. It is just as easy to rise to our strengths as to sink to our anxieties.
This is more difficult alone. The external perspective has a much easier time seeing us honestly.
Part of independence, however, is taking the responsibility for determining the accuracy of one's
perceptions, making one's own mistakes, and paying the consequences. All of this is important
when taking advice from others as well. Growth is as much about tolerating and encouraging
confusion (aka insanity) as it is about tolerating and encouraging anxiety. It is about developing
a healthy worldview allowing us to feel safe as the world is increasingly insane and dangerous.
Individuals who have experienced the trials and tribulations of transient friends and fads are
often better at throwing off ill-fitting social norms and adopting values more true to themselves.
Remember this when others (or yourself) tell you it's important to think and act "appropriately."
Building better relationships, though, is not about finding "better" people, as all people suck. It's
about convincing others to share the walk with you on the road to greater awareness. This will
be the most difficult sale of your life, so don't underestimate the immensity of the undertaking.
Dr. Whyte says his greatest asset while he was institutionalized was friends and family working
with him to get him sane. However, what if those people are the problem and not the solution?
When are you the happiest? When were you the most proud? When are you the most afraid?
Who else is there and what are the facilitating factors? What do you most need to overcome?
Most importantly, how do you make others feel wholly isolated, numb, and fruitless? When I am
amusing (especially in telling a good story), creative (or sharing in someone else's creativity),
courageous, and family-oriented, I am most me. These values are clearly a bit personal, but
there are also values universally sought after such as being adequately able to meet other's as
well as our own expectations while generating successes (rather than just happiness) with ever
increasing efficiency and virally cultivating greater concern for truth and love in all concerned.
If you intend to make a motorcycle but end up only making a warped entanglement you may
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have created a popular abstract sculpture but the effort would not be a quality one. Intention
counts! It is well documented you can get only incremental improvements by trying to make
people happy. Awe inspiring epiphanies come from moving beyond such a limited worldview. In
business, this is called moving beyond customer satisfaction to delight, loyalty, and "wowing."
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"Every exit is an entry somewhere else."
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead (1994) by Tom Stoppard
Dr. Phil Zimbardo (famous for his 1971 Stanford Prison Experiment) has shown our potential for
good and bad is largely based on situations. He challenges us in his The Lucifer Effect (2008) to
look beyond glib denunciations of evil-doers and ponder our collective responsibility for all of the
world's ills. His troubling finding is that nearly anyone, given the "right" influences, can easily be
compelled to abandon moral scruples and cooperate in violence and oppression (becoming one
of the mob). How can we construct crucibles in which authority, power, and dominance are not
blended and covered with secrecy to suspend our humanity and rob us of the qualities we say
we most value? How do we die to ourselves and not just become more Zombies? In less than a
week, healthy and blessed young men developed pathological symptoms and made a university
mock prison into a hellhole. The truth is the more open we are, the more easily we are seduced
and manipulated. We need to "know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em." Most of us
are not placed in the heat of war or the inhumanity of prisons (even fake ones). But, our lives
are filled with the same compelling social tensions. How do we build environments that sustain
instead of crush ideals? Or, how do we build a world where dying to self is a safe thing to do? It
can only be done from the comforting bosom of fellow worshipers committed to the same ideals.
Next comes following the adage concerning committing acts of kindness, except that they must
be about forgiveness and not kindness such as writing an adversary a get-well note or spending
time to provide helpful advice to a stranger. Such efforts mustn't be random or based on "one
life at a time." Such efforts must instead be intentional and based on viral or exponential goals.
You are successful only when you have managed to get others to do things so constructive that
they could have never imagined doing such atcs before and restart the cycle by teaching them
to do the same. Regrettably, no one has ever attempted such reverse-Milgram efforts. We know
from dissonance theory that behavior begets beliefs. "Get people to perform good actions and
they will generate the necessary underlying principles to justify them." (p449, The Lucifer Effect)
Such decency "sales," says Dr. Zimbardo, would involve three basic influence strategies: 1) the
foot-in-the-door, 2) social modeling, and 3) self-labeling. The first step involves asking someone
to do a small (or great) request and then asking them to comply with a related but very different
request (which was the intended goal). For example, signing a petition can greatly increase a
person's motivation to actually volunteer to some cause. The second step is to provide social
modeling where others are seen doing the same sort of activities. And finally, the ways things
are framed is often more influential than the arguments themselves. While voters are against
reducing estate taxes for the rich, most also favor limiting any "death tax." For any defiance to
be truly heroic, it must attempt to change the system as a whole. Parents can nurture children's
ability to help by pretending to drop something. Children with failed parental relationships that
failed to model altruism tend to grow up to be quitters (says a study in 1986). Teachers should
design school assignments to promote cooperation rather than competition. Opportunities for
reflection and family based assistance can overcome many of the world's hidden agendas. In
other words, truly changing the world for the better can only come from those who have learned
how to sell vacuum cleaners door to door or how to convince strangers to join their cult or gang.

100% of American POWs in the Korean War in camps managed by the Chinese became enemy
collaborators. In winning the hearts and minds of their prisoners, they got them to 1) sign a letter
detailing ways America wasn't perfect in order to get additional kindnesses (such as a desert),
2) read those letters across the camp (and other camps) so that it could be seen as a common
thing to do, and 3) when new prisoners called authors of such letters "enemy collaborators" it
caused the older letter-writing prisoners to label themselves the same way (as they couldn't say
they had been forced to write the letters). Sadly, we believe today that water boarding is better. I
am of Irish descent and I've lived most of my life in a country where half of its people were too.
How did the Irish, who were so hated, become so successful? With the most effective gangs.
One of my "approved" charities is Amor Ministries. Two attorneys (husband and wife) quit their
practice in L.A. and convinced churches across the Southwest into allowing them to help the
churches choose where to build homes in Mexico. Then, they went to churches in Mexico and
asked them to help with such decisions providing: 1) No politics: no one could ever suggest that
since another church got a new house for one of its members that one of its members had to
get one, decisions could only be based on need, and 2) Any other church could participate. The
biggest effect has thusly been getting churches of very different denominations to work together.
The ultimate goal then, is not to build homes for the homeless but to change people from finding
only personal solutions to building better relationships with strangers to resolve social problems.
Lastly, practice "cutting bait" instead of resolutely "staying the course." It's also good to practice
saying "no" when you mean "yes" in order to counter how often you say "yes" when you mean
"no." Practice taking a moment to relax and reflect before speaking. A dramatic pause not only
can provide a thinking opportunity, but it can make what you say seem more important. Ask for
evidence to support other's assertions and demand ideologies be sufficiently elaborated. Reject
simple KISS solutions to complex problems. Even in quiet, one can assert their unique identity.
But, go beyond this and work to change the social conditions that make people feel anonymous.
Always rebel against unjust authority while being free to go too far and then apologize liberally.
The most favored messages are simple, surprising, credible, empowering, and tell a story (see
Made to Stick by Chip and Dan Heath). Dr. Cialdini is renowned for summarizing the principles
of social influence of Reciprocity (why sales people offer you a water or coffee), Commitment
and Consistency (why salespeople have you fill out paperwork even before we're ready to buy),
Social Proof ("everyone who is anyone is doing it"), Liking (we prefer people who mirror us),
Authority (dressing and using the lingo of someone who knows), and Scarcity ("only available
today"). Just as most people can't explain why a politely worded insult makes them feel bad (but
Dr. Suzette H Elgin can), most people can't logically explain most of their decisions (but Dr.
Cialdini can). The most influential statements are questions allowing the listener the chance to
create their own arguments for a given position. We must learn to use or defend against these
methods. The only cult members who refused the poisoned cool-aid at Jonestown were the few
who never accepted Jones' assistance. Go against the norm. Dress distinctively. Seek honest
(even rude) over likable or impressive people. Avoid people who tell you how special you are –
they're just selling something (unlike Christ, who was instead famous for not saying nice things).
In our normal 2-dimentional entity based worldview, we only think of bad people as those doing
bad things as compared to good people identified by doing good things. First, I am not fond of
the limited moral view of good and bad. Second, our real impact is viral in nature. Thus, I would
argue it is better to instead consider healthy people as those who get others to act and think in a
more healthy way while unhealthy people get others to act and think in less healthy ways. For
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this reason, Dr. Hare's psychopathy checklist includes patterns of charm, excessive self-worth,
pathological lying (not delusions but possibly sufficiently vivid as to eventually actually believe
one's own lies – what I call the highest form of lying), manipulation, inability to feel remorse, lack
of empathy with real emotion being short-lived and egocentric, failure to accept responsibility (all
of these characteristics so far being of the narcissistic personality found highly related to low risk
of suicide and high scores for achievement and social potency, more so in female psychopaths),
easily bored, parasitic life, poor behavioral control, lack of realistic long-term goals, impulsivity,
delinquency (characteristics of the socially deviant lifestyle that is more often present in male
psychopaths), as well as numerous short-term empty relationships (such as promiscuous sexual
behavior) and comfort with criminal behavior. Another trait more recently identified, however, is
the active acquisition of sociological conditioning to be able to develop pathologies in others. To
be truly successful (either "good" or "bad") requires the ability to convince others to act similarly.
Alas, both Lizards and Zombies are naturally good at being viral (while their Fresh Meat is not).
Dr. Cleckley asserts difficult people (Lizards) are relatively immune to suicide. Even though they
frequently cause great harm to others, their emotional detachment keeps them safe from guilt.
In practice, mental health professionals rarely treat psychopaths, considering them untreatable.
It is argued such personalities are an evolutionary result of a competitive environment because
they help get positive results for both the individual and the corporations that employ them. But,
these are only short-term gains and such people (what Dr. Hare calls "intra-species predators")
always create long-term problems due to their unhealthy influences on everyone around them.
Lizards, like Zombies, grow up seeing themselves (as most people) as but deplorably mediocre.
I believe the virally corrupting desires of Lizards have only recently been identified as it runs so
contrary to what we need to believe in order to maintain a "healthy" self-esteem. Depressingly,
data since 1950 show child deaths are increasingly homicidal despite most called accidental (at
a rate six times faster than general homicides), which is being suppressed (Dr. Prescott, 1996).
We also don't like to think such offenders could be made by unhealthy relationships at "windows
of opportunity" (such as teenage years). People's influences on growing synaptic networks are
more likely to decide if a child will grow up to be a surgeon or a murderer than any choice they
might make themselves. Therefore, the only way to break the pathological cycle is to distance
unhealthy people. For me, it was my teachers. For most, it is mom (Prescott). Instead of calling
CPS on unhealthy environments built by therapists, teachers, cops, religious leaders, or mom, it
is just easier to imagine bad people doing bad things by personal bad choices independent of all
external forces and then "generate the necessary underlying principles to justify" this worldview.
At a minimum, if we can't get therapists, teachers, cops, religious leaders, and moms "fired," we
should work to help others build up their defenses to such corrupting influences (to be "good").
Dr. Milgram's Yale Teacher-Learner and Dr. Zimbardo's Stanford Prison experiments are today
illegal as Dr. Baumrind found knowing such hidden truths developed "permanent psychological
damage which caused people to be less trusting in the future." Dr. Milgram showed we would all
apply potentially lethal voltages to "teach" strangers compliance as we've all been schooled to
obey all authority figures. Dr. Zimbardo showed we would all override any individuality to obey
even arbitrary social rules. The students playing guards, inmates, guards, and observers never
stopped the experiment. Even Dr. Zimbardo himself was seduced by his desire for any and all
arbitrary rules. I recently met a daughter of one of Milgram's subjects – she said her father often
bragged at dinner when she was a child for being one the few able to provide without doubt the
full lethal voltage multiple times even after the "student" seemed unconscious without additional
inducement. In a follow up survey, 84% were also glad to have participated. Drs. Sheridan and
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King found (as did Dr. Milgram) all women (but half of men) quite willingly provided the full lethal
voltage when they redid the experiment with a cute, fluffy puppy. It is important to additionally
learn that great cruelty comes more easily after minor acts of cruelty. Then, Dr. Watson and Dr.
Rayner showed how easy it was to condition fear into a person at will (also illegal today as such
conditioning could never be reversed). Dr. Harlow cruelly forced monkeys into isolation to create
such sadness, and two starved themselves. Dr. Loftus's Misinformation Effect (the learned skill
to force false memories onto others) is far more effective on those with empathy and caring. If
the way we process and store information is so dependent on external forces, what exactly is
the demarcation of where we can be sure (and how) we actually end and others might begin?
Just as 12th Grade academic tests can discern which Kindergarten teacher we had, those we
interact with are as much a part of us as we are of them. Individuality turns out to be something
that's shared. In 1932-1972, American scientists (acting much like the German scientists found
guilty of punishable ethical crimes) decided not to provide medical treatment to 600 poor black
men of which 400 had been infected with Syphilis in order to study the progress of the disease.
The story did not come to light until 1972 (by a whistleblower) after many wives and children
had also contacted Syphilis (and yet, the courts steadfastly refused to hear a class action suit).
Dr. John R. Heller defended the ethics of the study to the end, stating: "The men's status did not
warrant ethical debate. They were subjects, not patients; clinical material, not sick people." In
2010, it was revealed that one of the involved doctors had duplicated the research in Guatemala
from 1946 - 1948 by secretly exposing 696 men and women to Syphilis. The Willowbrook Study
of the 50's to 70's involved intentionally infecting retarded children with the Hepatitis virus by
feeding them stools from infected individuals as well as injections of purified virus preparations.
A class action suit resulted in most of its residence being "dumped" into public housing (such as
in the Westside apartments managed by the mother of a friend I met at my upstate Alma Mater).
What these crimes against humanity have in common is widespread complacency. Too often
we attack problems by only asking who is to blame and then feel the resolution is completed
when a general consensus has been formed. Such as: this is wrong, let's decide who is to
blame, get rid of them, and then claim the problem is solved. Buts, that's just a smoke screen.
Neither Satan or Eve were primarily blamed for "sin entering into the world," but instead Adam
for standing right next to Eve with full use of his resources and choosing to do nothing, neither
the psychopath nor his or her target deserves the greatest share of the blame for "sins." The
greatest blame must go to the so schooled and obeying masses that are repeatedly forced to
witness their complacency and yet do nothing to change. While changing themselves (from a
psychological perspective) may not be possible, we know full well how to change society. We
often confuse "defenses" against such social crimes with being weak, but this is specifically how
the STJ Lizards took control in the first place. We must thusly fight to be taught how to be weak.
After giving up our heroes, we must learn how to be strong by learning how best to be weak.
The children of psychopaths (as all children) need to learn to respect those who are weak. It is
sadly accepted wisdom that "no woman can love a weak man hard enough to make him strong."
(Jennifer Armintrout) But, what is known by Shaolin priests, Olympic athletes, and elite military
warriors of "special operations" about the power of weakness is kept secret from our children. It
is also sorely missing from the training of teachers, counselors, law enforcement, and even our
religious leaders who are instead taught power comes from becoming a member of the toughest
group. The "Thin Blue Line" of law enforcement is also a part of each of these professions (such
as doctors who won't testify against other doctors). Without the artificial backing and assistance
of the state (certifications, endorsements, training that focuses on a group identity, etc.), through
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no achievement of their own, they are just one of us, rarely recognized by even the few astute
among them. And so, it is unlikely that any would ever say "No, I am not going along with this."
We have all experienced times of weakness and being powerless. It didn't feel good. How can
we learn that weakness can be a source of strength? We hear about the gentleness of martial
arts (physical and verbal) and the value of humility, but how can it be explained so a small child
could understand? How would you clarify it for a child? For one instance of "weak being strong"
is being one of the trusted maxims in the world of poker. The idea is firmly rooted in the reverse
psychology of getting a person to do something based on pretending to want something else or
something more. In other words, a poker player will act weak in hopes of inducing greater action
when holding a strong hand. When psychopaths act strong, it is likely because they feel they're
carrying a weak hand. Whenever a poker player speaks, they know they are likely providing key
information to the entire table. A player also likely provides a key tell in how chips are placed in
the pot. Expressing love and empathy can similarly feel like such an overt tell; and so, it is quite
reasonable that the psychopath would think it foolish to display such weakness and openness.
We must also respect the key motivation for being a psychopath is a desire for the pain to stop.
Thusly, the way to respect the strength of weakness is to carry a "strong hand" from education.
We should all take a class in statistics and retake it until we get an A. Six Sigma showed people
who can do this are the most prepared to change the world. Life is about getting better (growth)
and the mathematics of measuring better is statistics. Health professionals have always agreed
lots of accurate information on the causes, symptoms, and process (with differentiation the best
defense against being dissociated and disconnected) is an essential roadmap to any recovery
process. Dr. DiSalvo observes "statistics lord over our lives every minute of every day" and he
recommends we regularly practice metacognition (thinking about thinking). Examples include an
Input-Processing-Output (or IPO) Analysis and Orthogonal Checklists. People often ask "Why
not just have a good time?" It is critical, however, we learn to get comfortable with discomfort as
there's no option for growth in comfort. Are you satisfied with your life? Answer "yes" and you've
already lost. Be honest about suicidal thoughts and you might have a chance. Machiavelli writes
in The Prince how we sooner forget the death of our father than we do the loss of property. This
is, in fact, why hotel room windows in Nevada are always built to open no more than a crack to
stop people who have lost their money from then throwing away their apparently less important
lives. My parents firmly believed that the person who knew the rules was king. This country is
well over-lawyered (with lawyers being the best at knowing the rules of the land) and yet at the
same time we are also grossly under-represented. It seems knowing the rules (and being king)
naturally leads a person away from people. Sadly, we are increasingly ignorant of even our
neighbor's names. I believe there is more to life than just the rules. But, this is not true alone.
We should all take a class in counseling (until we get an A) in order to learn how to be better
friends and a class in motivation (for an A) to be better teachers. The rules are but the skeleton
to the flesh and blood that's possible when we choose to do more than just play king of the hill.
"We pick up a few more people that remember every generation. Hold on to one thought:
You're not important. Even when we had the books on hand, a long time ago, we didn't
use what we got out of them. We went right on insulting the dead. That's where we'll win
out in the long run. We're remembering. And someday we'll remember so much that we'll
build the biggest grave of all time and shove war in and cover it up. Come on now, we're
going to go build a mirror factory and put out nothing but mirrors for the next year and
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take a long look in them." -- Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury, 1953

I know what it feels like to want to die. My moment of greatest despair came sadly just as I
had fulfilled my life's dream of becoming a father. My first born was just four months old as her
mother left me so she could marry a High School Junior and take my new daughter with her. At
my lowest, an angry man with dark curly hair came to me in a vision cursing me for wanting to
waste the investment in me and demanded to know if I truly wished to taste death. There then
appeared a door from which a great light reached out, unlike a normal light, as if it was the hand
of truth. It was a light I had seen before as a child. And so, I was not surprised when its touch
left me no longer tired even though I hadn't slept for a week, no longer hungry in spite of having
not eaten, and no longer in pain notwithstanding that I was at the moment hanging from a lamp.
The man told me if there were any reason for me to want death then I could have it. But, without
exhaustion and hurt, which I then learned were but temporary shades, no matter how superior
death might be, there was no enduring reason to want it. I sadly got to feel such despair twice
more over the next two decades with a second wife whom I left due unrepentant affairs, not to
mention the abuse of drugs and alcohol, and a third wife whom I left when her larceny as well as
cruelty became simply more than I could bare. But there's more. Incredible resources were once
spent over six months to investigate me as a French spy. It was based on an intentional overt lie
hoping to pressure a friend into servitude by a rouge FBI Lizard. Nothing was proven, but I still
lost my job while the Lizard still had his. Then, false claims of domestic violence (my attorney
said fighting such a claim without evidence had a 50/50 chance of resulting in significant jail
time and so I agreed to a no contest plea) left a record that made it difficult to find employment
for the next decade and affected custody fights. I've not had much luck with people. I once had
a friend who needed a place to stay for a few days while he got himself back on his feet. He told
me later at bowling how he had gotten high and stolen my guitar and over $3,000 in electronics.
I attract abusers despite being the safest person (I am the first person to ever get a perfect zero
chance of cruelty score on the Child Abuse Potential or CAP inventory developed in the 70's).
Positive Psychology believes grief is always short-lived and such garbage contributes little to my
level of happiness. Positive psychology began as a new area of psychology in 1998 when Dr.
Martin Seligman chose it as the theme for his term as president of the American Psychological
Association. Positive psychologists and surviving Vietnamese POWs offer a similar endurance
rule of communal commitment, exercise, and prayer (or meditation). Studies, however, have
shown there are in fact no unifying factors for the success of surviving prisoners. It turns out that
those using such a plan are just more likely to give it credit. Dr. Frankl was a Nazi concentration
camp survivor. His resolve to determine the meaningfulness in his suffering provided the will
and sustenance to survive and escape the gas chambers. He felt individuals could proactively
become involved in the creation of their existence through the pursuit for meaningfulness in all
situations (what I called answering the "live or die" question). However, Dr. Seligman has also
shown high self-worth is often a marker for negative behavior, as diagnosed in sociopaths and
drug kingpins. The braggadocio, "I'm fine just the way I am," visibly inhibits personal growth.
Chris Hedges writes scathingly about the social dangers of positive psychology in his blogs and
his book Empire of Illusion (2009). He tells how proponents typical slip into obscure and wholly
incomprehensible jargon about the all importance of harmony above all else. He snickers at the
likes of Tony Robbins and Copperrider (whose clients include the US Navy, Wal-Mart, Boeing,
HP, United Way, and the United Nations) when they claim anything is possible through "magical
thinking" while never questioning underlying purpose and goals. Chris maintains the movement
is to the modern corporation what eugenics was to the Nazis in that the "quack science" throws
a smokescreen over the abuse and greed of controlling "Lizards." Positive Psychology claims
the discontented person is the real problem and not any external conditions. Alas, it seems little
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has changed since William Ryan said in Blaming the Victim in 1970 "the formula is so smooth, it
seems totally rational, but despite all their fancy words, it's still bigotry." Invalidating and abusive
environments have been specifically defined for decades as one where a person's feelings are
discounted as either inaccurate or inappropriate with comments like "life would be easier if you
were more motivated," "worked harder," and "had more character," as well as "oh, you should
never get angry" – the very words repeatedly recited in Positive Thinking seminars. With the feel
of a religious revival, office managers and sales staffs are given inspirational talks by sports
stars, retired military commanders, billionaires, and self-help specialists who all claim when the
impossible proves not to be possible, it must be but our lack of motivation that is the root cause.
To engage in any criticism of the corporate collective is seen as obstructive and negative. Those
without positive attitudes are automatically seen as but maladjusted and in need of assistance.
The earliest conversations I can remember were with the creator of the light that can be felt over
how I thought people should just be nice to each other and not worry so much about adoration
for a seemingly narcissistic deity. Such beliefs are but support for "Universal Anti-Christhood" in
suggesting that any of us individually can at any time we choose overcome nature with thought.
Dr. Held (2004) also criticizes Positive Psychology's lack of consistency and simplistic approach
to negativity. Drs. Zagano and Gillespie (2006) similarly dislike the focus only on life's positive
features while skipping over any negative problems such as ill health and for being based only
on a life goal of being happy as defined by the absence of depression, anger, and withdrawal.
Positive thinking advocate Seligman expressly warns us not to believe the past has any real
influence on the future. When we fail to remember, though, history repeats itself and each time it
does, the price of forgetting goes up. While such admonitions against any transitory pleasure as
false and rival to real happiness seem to be based on but religious concepts of faith, hope, and
charity, this modern positive thinking movement has little to coincide with Christian piety or fear
of God. In using the language of virtue in abstraction separate from those of belief and practice,
it suggests one can be spiritual without being religious. Spiritual well-being is a concept widely
used in formal research studies. It focuses on the quality of relationships while religion focuses
on specific theological doctrines, rituals, and creeds (existing even in Atheism). While these
terms are certainly not synonymous, you can't have an honest "what" (say, wanting to live)
without a "why" (the logical support). Moreover, modern management theory places great value
on encouraging even the fringe dissonant. Without doing so, efforts that are but sappy, vague,
and unsupported will naturally be mistaken as professionally academic. Well yes, we are the
problem, but only to the extent we allow Lizards to convince us of this crap. We must take risks
by returning to understood fundamentals and not just become "exotic" (using illogical whys).
Many have said they chose to marry when they are too young. They of course define age not
chronologically but emotionally and spiritually. While we have no control over our physiological,
intellectual, or chronological age, many would suggest we can select our social or emotional
age something akin to choosing what we would have for dinner. Such people believe happiness
is simply a state of mind one can select like deciding on a seasoning from the kitchen shelf.
There is nothing more popular in the self-help world than the concept of positive thinking with
"The person that thinks he can and the one that thinks he can't are both right." The Power of
Your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy begins this common myth with "as a man thinks in
his subconscious mind" as if that was possible. The most popular of these modern wishing texts
is Steven Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Certainly, of course, none of these
self-proclaimed experts ever publish any research in scientific journals for objective peer review.
I assume they believe positive thinking is its own proof. They are popular as most of us would
prefer a world where only subjective experiences define truth and all opinions are valid (when in
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truth, most opinions are just blowing smoke or wishful thinking) and everyone has the right to be
right all the time. In such a world, no one ever has to do the "do diligence" required for real truth.
Education experts agree that the primary problem with American schools is their failure to teach
children to be able to rely on themselves. And, students admit they lack maturity as well as well
defined routines. "My social life was the more important thing." "I didn't want to miss out on a
good time." "I procrastinated." Fatherhood is not about providing a shoulder to cry on but about
raising kids not to need a shoulder by molding character and to thusly draw out the best in them.
Even more important than emotional maturity is spiritual growth. While knowing one's values is
core, we all tend to forget the importance of discernment. How can we say we value honesty if
we can't recognize it from lies? All of my wives were experts at telling me just what I wanted to
hear and I was a fool thinking people wouldn't do that (believing, as most do, that all people are
basically good). More importantly, though, is that the gift or talent of discernment means seeing
people (not to mention oneself) as mean little people. We joke about how TV sitcom character
Dr. House says everyone lies ironically unable to be honest about our dishonestly. Naturally, it
is difficult to see people truly as despicable as they are as well as be belittled and disbelieved by
all whenever you say what you know to be true. Real spiritual strength is required to be able to
discern truth. I would suggest it is a lack of this spiritual strength that is our real Achilles' heel. I
have provided significant support (and can easily provide much more) for the idea that most all
therapists, K-12 teachers, law enforcement, and religious leaders are but the most overpaid and
under skilled, by every definition rightly called evil. And yet, it is extremely unpopular to say so.
If you've never thought about suicide, you've simply never had sufficient strength to be honest.
My company sent me a free copy of a book containing a collection of popular 60 second cures
for life; not one suggests value in being "the nail stuck out" as it will only get hammered down.
I do not know if those of you who are parents or those planning to be parents can remember the
first time you made a conscience decision concerning wanting children. For me, it was when I
was four years old. I was sicker than I had ever been before and I could not stop throwing up. It
was sadly not the first time I had been forced to come to terms with my mortality. Even though
my mother was just as sick, her gentle touch on my brow and calming words helped me feel that
everything was going to be alright. At that moment, I knew I wanted to be able to likewise help
my own children to experience such confidence in life. What I hadn't known until decades later
was how mom had been just as sick and filled with similar despair. But, at my mother's lowest
point, a stranger had come to the door declaring she had heard of my mother's problems and
was going to help. She went to the pharmacy and grocery and bought needed drugs and food.
Why did that woman decide to come and help my mother? Some might suggest it doesn't matter
because Mom got the help she needed and I got the comfort I needed. So, who cares? But, I
want to know. And so, I have informally asked over a hundred people why they personally do
"good." The most common answer from Christians has been to get to heaven (or to be seen as
a good person) followed by "because it makes me feel good" and "what goes around, comes
around." But, all of these reasons are just about getting stuff. And thusly, every MBA education
includes the reminder that when marketing for a charity, never mention the good works only the
good feelings (of being happy) that comes from giving. The truth is no thought, statement, or
deed can be deemed "good," only the motivations. Just as important as living life intentionally
rather than by default is to be able to also articulate your personal reason for living (or dying).
Only one person of the hundreds asked how they picked their church answered, "God made it
clear He had a work for me to do here." I don't believe we're each given a spiritual gift but rather
we each have tasks presented to us (our fate) given to solve at our personal best (our destiny).
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When asked which of the commandments was the greatest and how might one get to heaven,
Jesus told lines from the Jewish Shema prayer from Deuteronomy 6:4. This is the most popular
verse in the Bible for Jews and every Jew learns it by four. It goes, "Listen, O Israel! The LORD
our creator, the LORD is One. You shall love the Lord Your God with all your heart, with all your
soul, and with all your assets." ("assets" is widely accepted among Bible translators to be more
accurate than "strength" as is in English Bibles). The Shema is spoken with one's eyes closed
(as in death) to symbolize striving for an understanding upon death (as well as before) of how all
the "bad" in our lives was actually for our good. More simply put, people who get everything they
want, wherever they want it, all the time don't grow very tall. The Bible says before creating us
God first made a heaven of generous angels, but "whole crops were lost." In the second line, to
love with our "heart" means to love with our emotional desires, to love with our "soul" means to
love specifically in our worst moments (even to death), and, at last, to love with all our "assets"
means to love even with all our property and money. The Sikh Bible opens with "The name of
God is Truth." I have always argued nothing in the Christian Bible would change meaning if God
were replaced with either love or truth. Thus, the line above could say "love the Lord your truth
with everything." In other words, be consistent without hypocrisy. Christ said a person who says
bad things but does good is better than one who says good things but does bad. But, I would
additionally say one who says bad and does bad has the benefit of being honest about himself. I
have more respect for the Chinese person who openly admits to plans for stealing purchased
software for all his or her friends and family than the American who lies about being honesty.
Let me tell you more of my circumstances. As each of my four children hit puberty, I have been
abandoned. Studies show losing children to death is less stressful than to divorce (perhaps due
to the opportunity for closure). There are many movies about deadbeat and absentee fathers
but none about such children (which is sadly far more typical). Then, my sister repeatedly beat
me (nearly to death) even before I managed my first birthday. Should I have felt God allowing
this to happen to me proof that He didn't exist or was the fact I was still able to walk when two
neurosurgeons examining the spinal damage decades later stated they couldn't explain why I
wasn't crippled provide some sort of proof that He does exist? My siblings found it easy to lie to
our mother to get her to buy them homes, but when mom left me a trust with an equal sum, my
brother forged my signature in an attempt to steal it for himself (as if it was a measure of her
love and he had to have it all). Jim Butcher once said "When everything goes to hell, the people
who stand by you without flinching, they are your family." Oh, what I wouldn't give for people like
that who were related to me by blood. Like most people, I have often felt abandoned by those
nearest to me making it difficult for me to trust anyone. Mother Teresa was once asked what
was the best way to promote world peace, and she answered, "Go home and love your family."
There are two Jihads. The first is with "unbelievers" without any real faith due to how they need
those around them, like any drug user, to prefer the same distractions. The greatest part of this
for me (my ultimate stress) has been those most claiming great "faith." God's greatest warning
to Solomon concerning his thousand women was how such unbelievers would threaten his faith.
The second Jihad, however, is the far greater Jihad. This is the battle within, the one between
whom you are meant to be and the false self put forward by a false conviction in pain as real.
We must find strength in our emotional problems while knowing there is none in spiritual ones.
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"Sanity is madness put to good uses; waking life is a dream controlled."
George Santayana in Interpretations of Poetry and Religion (1989)

Dr. David Schnarch has shown that failed communications, missing empathy, and even sexual
perversions are not the causes of relationship gridlocks. Everyone most certainly knows what
everyone else wants (for one thing, because we all essentially want the same things). The real
problem is that we simply refuse to accommodate any win-win outcomes due to a fear of being
powerless and the need to use others as validation. Dr. Albert Ellis has said "All humans are out
of their minds. They're not only disturbed. They get disturbed about their disturbances." He feels
the basis for neurotic behavior is a self-loving, perfectionist refusal to accept being a "fallible,
incessantly error-prone human and when they fall short of their unrealistic ideals, they largely
think of themselves as sub-humans." It becomes impossible to integrate the intolerable vortex of
frustrations over missing approval and fears of abandonment, so burdened with guilt of feeling
such negative disorders are lifelong survival techniques for distressing childhood memories.
Carl Jung said we never resolve problems, we instead "climb to the top of a mountain, meditate
on them until we see them differently," with a "shift in perception" (as per A Course in Miracles).
Take a social vacation with a slow "yeah," "I never did mind the little things," or "opinions vary."
It feels bad if someone close to us, such as a spouse, child, friend, or employer, is mad at us. It
feels good if we can work out our differences. Overcoming differences and being close again is
called reconciliation. What we need do to accomplish this is called at-one-ment. Paul wrote (2
Corinthians 5:20) "We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his
appeal through us." Some may go while others send (Romans 10:14-15) and some may teach
while others invite (John 1:45-46). Nevertheless, we are all gathers just as the woman Christ
met by Jacob's well gathered her entire hometown. It may be a done deed (the Bible says as a
result of Christ's work); it, however, must be personally appropriated. Paul said God appointed
them to preach the word of reconciliation and so they proclaimed: Be reconciled to God. We
never ever consider that we may additionally need to so atone and reconcile with ourselves. We
say things about ourselves and to ourselves that we would never be as cruel as to say about or
to others. The gift of forgiveness like the task of "be reconciled" crier truly must start at home.
Note the verb is passive. It is not that we must reconcile ourselves to God (or truth or love) but
that we are to be reconciled, to accept what God (or ourselves) has already achieved. And so,
the task is not to bring about reconciliation but to announce what has already occurred, in a real
sense as the town crier proclaiming news of earth-shaking significance. The same is true for
forgiveness. We don't need to work to bring about forgiveness, say, for the benefit of others but
to identify with others and celebrate something that has already happened. The derivation of the
word jubilee is most probably from the Hebrew word jobel, which meant "a ram's horn." From
this instrument, used in proclaiming the celebration, a certain idea of rejoicing was derived. For
the Israelites (and Catholics), the year of Jubilee was preeminently a time of joy, the year of
remission or universal pardon. "Thou shalt sanctify the fiftieth year, and shalt proclaim remission
to all the inhabitants of thy land: for it is the year of jubilee." (Leviticus 25:10) The Bible is clear
(Leviticus 25:8-55) that the fiftieth year was intended, and the institution evidently bore, a close
analogy with the feast of Pentecost, which was the Passover Sunday 50 days after first harvest.
Traditionally at this season, every household attempted to recover its absent members, to return
land to its former owners, slaves were to be set free, and debts were to be wholly remitted. This
is done not for others but purposely for our own benefit of reducing our internal conflict and pain.
Every year and every generation included a formal forgiveness of all debts. Dr. Ellis admits his
humanistic psychology model is based such Biblical forgiveness. And, he teaches unconditional
self-acceptance ("always accept you no matter what you do"), unconditional other-acceptance
("nobody is evil, even if they do evil things"), and unconditional life-acceptance ("always accept
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things, no matter how they are"). The core problem with all humanistic psychology, however, is
the belief that right and wrong and a "good life" come from subjective personal choices in the
moment (which is in fact very different from Christian ideals). It turns out, Ellis brags in "REBT: it
works for me" how his ABC program wholly affirmed his life-long habit of sneaking up to strange
women at train stations to press his genitals against them as well as his belief that no woman
can be "loved" without continual affairs (his first wife naturally didn't agree). His happiness was
his "proof" of the program's validity but any truly objective review would emphatically disagree.
Judas' mortal sin was not betraying Christ; we have all done that many times. His fatal error was
that he could not face God and hung himself. He raised the bar too high to be saved. While both
Peter and Judas were remorseful about their sins, only Peter wept for forgiveness and returned.
Dr. Ellis was not regretful, repentant, or apologetic but only allowed his Ego to rationalize his Id.
We must imagine two different things for forgiveness to work. We must imagine how the future,
especially the future of others, could change for the better. Upon reflection of each time a wife,
child, or friend had shown they clearly didn't love me, I came to realize the trouble had been that
they only saw me for who I was (and not more). Just as faith is a leap from a solid belief, love is
a leap forward into a greater faith in others. I have constantly stated I myself define "humanity"
specifically by being able to exceed who we are. But, none of these people had ever been able
to see me as I could be. When I first realize this, I fell to my knees in tears as I realized not only
had I never truly done this for others, neither had I ever loved God more than I had known Him.
How can I claim to love anyone when I couldn't truly love a perfect being? But, I forgave myself
and imagined a different future, for myself as well as for others. Ellis failed, on the other hand, in
accepting forgiveness for himself and failed to be able to imagine an idealized future different for
the women with which he so rudely interacted. Worse than just selfish, he was quite uninspired.
"Creative minds have always been known to survive any kind of bad training," Anna Freud. Now
every silver lining has a cloud and children too often use their imaginations to survive abuse by
getting stuck imagining the abuse as ongoing, often leading to a dissociative identity disorder.
Therefore, we must forgive ourselves but without forgetting our ideals. Goals provide a personal
measure for movement while ideals provide a personal measure for direction. While failing at
our goals, we can still take satisfaction in knowing we are on the right path. Elephants, dolphins,
whales, and Neanderthals have (or had) larger brains, but they are (or were) only capable of
innate thinking (Wild Minds: What Animals Really Think by Dr. Dr. Hauser). Neanderthals, for
instance, were only able to advance their technologies over hundreds of thousands of years
and, more importantly, never drew on the walls of their caves. No animal has our extended
childhood (human brains continue maturing until age 25-30), which fosters reflective thinking as
a basis for one's normative moral and emotional identity and resulting artistic expressions. We
rule the world not from having opposable thumbs, making tools, raw intelligence, or language.
It's about seeing differences in moral choices and being able to recognize who we are different
from others based solely on our personal values, knowing what we stand for (what the Greeks
called "ethos"). Which would you rather be a bear or a wolf? The bear is an introvert; the wolf an
extrovert. Interestingly, I've found most people make a preference solely on how they feel about
sleeping for months at a time. Of course, the bear cannot chose to be a wolf just as the wolf
cannot become a bear. These are not different human personalities but different value choices.
It's difficult (even impossible) to change one's base emotional makeup (how quickly and strongly
one gets emotional). It's not, however, that hard to change one's values, attitudes, beliefs, or
thinking patterns (Dr. Daivd Schnarch's cure of "growing up"). It is possible to change addictive
behavior (if not base desires); drug courts have been very effective at coercing such changes. "I
can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be." Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
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The major theme of Iron Man 2 is that anything is possible with technology. But technology is
just another false hero. DeMarco wrote in Peopleware (1987) how the most likely developed
software is accounts receivables (as everyone wants to get paid), with likely hundreds of teams
so working at any given moment. Over two thirds of such efforts are expected to fail not due to
any misunderstanding concerning the technology but to failures with human relationships. Jim
Johnson of the Standish Group has said "When projects fail, it's rarely technical." Anything is
possible with people. But, unlike our great and constant achievements in technology, we haven't
done well in improving our social organizations. For example, our marriages and communities
are not stronger and more complex. We've all taken beginning tech classes and take pride in
such skills, but there are no classes in (or pride taken in), say, small talk. Most people remind
me of the phrase "functional illiterate" as while they work to get increasingly more functional,
they do little to become more literate about who they are or who they were meant to be, to grow.
Why do we image the manipulation of math and nature is likely always good but generally see
the manipulation of people only as bad when teaching, preaching, or selling are all useful skills?
If hose A can fill a ditch in 45 minutes and hose B can fill it in 30 minutes, how long will it take to
fill the ditch if you were to use both hoses? Middle-aged blue-collar Asians can likely answer
that better than an American college student who just completed an Algebra course as Asians
are often required to answer such questions to graduate Elementary School. Many Elementary
School teachers state they are not good at math (or that math doesn't "like" them). I personally
believe math "likes" everyone and everyone is born "good" at math. The problem is that children
are not taught to be proficient at Third Grade Math (such as fractions) and nevertheless are
expected to handle increasingly more difficult mathematics in following years, impracticable
without a Third Grade understanding (similarly, "many leave High School with but a Third Grade
vocabulary" – Dr. Beck, Bringing Words Back to Life, 2002). In the same way, we are asked to
make a variety of ethical choices in life without first learning who we are by some vision quest.
Dr. Suler of Rider University recommends this simple monthly modern-day vision exercise:
1) Wander alone outside your home for at least four hours (with no formally planned
activities; and, it is better if walk is physically taxing such as up a long mountain trail)
2) While walking, ponder on some inward issue or problem and let your mind wander
3) Expect something to happen to answer (or partly answer) your question
4) Every half hour, sit and jot down what is happening, your thoughts, and insights
5) At the end, summarize and try to focus on some sign (works using "free association")
Dr. James Strachey says he considers free association as "the first instrument for the scientific
examination of the human mind." When I hear people tell me God "talks" to them by laying a
"feeling on their hearts" I believe they're just talking about finding "artificial" patterns in their
chaotic lives as a way for their repressed selves and subconscious to get a message across.
And so, while I believe most people's praying has little to do with any real higher power and is
more about getting in touch with our unconscious (or Shadow), that's still an important task we
should all do daily. We should just do it with our eyes wide open. One could even organize their
day even around random numbers (as in the TV show Touched, in which the very first episode
of the 2nd season includes a young boy on a vision quest) when personal meaning is drawn as
free association can release a repressed message from any chaos. Such a vision quest is well
known to help people work past many creativity blocks. Free association shares features with
the idea of stream of consciousness, employed by writers such as Virginia Woolf and Marcel
Proust. Dr. Bernard Baars has developed something similar called Global Workspace Theory.
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The problem with all this is that being based wholly on introspection means the resulting answer
is guaranteed to be less than optimal if not the very worst possible. Our internal selves tend to
be childish and selfish (being wholly focused on survival). This can show us what's inside the
lines, however, inside the "what we're supposed to believe" box, for a first step in understanding
what's outside the box, the stuff we'd might believe if the equipment worked better. Dr. Daniel
Kahneman's first step towards an Economics Nobel Prize for his work in psychology for his Rule
of Small Numbers was to ask people who they thought were happier, people from California or
elsewhere. He found people typically chose California assuming no one could be sad living near
the ocean. No one asked what he meant by "people," whether it was adults, children, or even
people long past. No one asked what he meant by "from California," whether it was people born
in California, living there, or just visiting. And, of course, no one asked what he meant by being
happy. Without such clarifications, Kahneman simply got the answer he was looking for as what
he really uncovered was that people will do whatever they can to help maintain your illusions.
I've asked hundreds of people what was the most interesting thing they learned from however
much of the Bible they've read and all most responses begin with "Like I've always said;" The
same problem can also happen with a Vision Quest or prayer. It's like a scientist working to get
a good working hunch or hypothesis and just stopping there. You have to dig deeper for truth.
The two greatest forces in psychotic insanity are the Confirmation Bias and the Misinformation
Effect (as previously discussed). Together, they make sure everything we believe to be true is
only what we wanted to believe or what external forces wanted us to believe. Drs. Chapman
and Gratz write in BPD Survival Guide (2007) "You can't 'catch' a psychiatric disorder like you
can catch pneumonia." The fact is your flawed thinking patterns tend to match those you grew
up with. Idea viruses are just as infectious as any physical virus and both are spread by social
interactions. As a teenager, I found it was easy to develop multiple snapshots of the night sky
onto a single photo. The stars jumped out of the background noise. The same can be done with
multiple honest worldviews. Alas, such a process can pull forward Lizard facts from a controlled
mob without rational opinions. Real truth requires you setting internal introspection and external
extrospection against each other in a comparative process analysis designed to answer how
true is our intention to support truth and love (effectiveness), whether we're putting madness to
good use (appropriateness), and if there's the passion to model such efficiency and correctness.
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Agent Brown: "Perhaps we're asking the wrong questions." (The Matrix)
The Matrix movie asks us to consider whether it is possible to make good decisions with only
bad data. Neo learns everything he's believed was a lie. But, Neo stops questioning in his new
life, taking everything at face value; a sort of suicide. With the worldview of external observer
Morpheus, Neo recognized his original misinformations; then, with the Architect's worldview, he
uncovers his new misinformations. Neo sought out neither the external worldviews of Morpheus
nor the Architect, he was "lucky" to have them search him out. Neo found the Architect had in
fact orchestrated both meetings (how Lizards typically work). And yet, he never considers either
capable of being misleading (how Zombies usually work). I find it intriguing that the "fix" for the
Matrix 2.0 was to provide people the illusion of an unconscious choice to accept a false world
(for people to actually be able to accept a false world). Those who choose not to be controlled
(like those in our real world who are mature and knowledgeable) are simply destroyed en mass.
It produced great stability even though a far greater stability was possible (but only by allowing
the first system to completely fail). Neo "wins" through great love for Trinity and great trust in the
Oracle's hints for him to acquire control by giving up control and let's Mr. Smith take him down.

I've talked about how America's education, law enforcement, counseling, and religious systems
are in great decline. For another example, church attendance is down 25% to 50% from the
1950s (Putnam, 1995) as well as 10% in just the 90's (ARIS study), only 4% of Americans under
28 are born-again (Rainer, 2004), only 1% of churches are exhibiting any evangelistic growth
(Miles McPhearson, 2003), and 7,000 churches close each year (Hunt and McMahon, 1985).
Our families, communities, and institutions are crumbling, and we all know it. Some complain,
saying the world is coming to an end on the order of Armageddon. It's a reasonable argument.
But, what if all this misery was required? Could it be good? When we are attacked, the most
natural response is what's called the "Bug" defense or the fetal position. The biggest problem
with such a primitive reaction is that it's surprisingly effective. One of the most difficult things in
teaching the art of physical or emotion defense is to give it up to learn something better. This
necessarily means of course one will be in more trouble and get hurt more over the short term.
Our children are separated and isolated, we surrender our lives to heartless Lizards, and our
students and professionals are less competent than ever. What is the advantage of such great
failure? Well, the best thing an addict's friend can do for them is nothing and pray they survive
hitting bottom as it takes hitting bottom to find the motivation needed to try something different.
We've built families where mom or dad, law enforcement where cops and judges, and churches
where leaders have power wholly built and maintained by command and control hierarchies.
What might families look like, conversely, if children had a greater say in things? What would it
take to make the "head" of the household everyone? What if students ran their schools (such as
at Monument Mountain High School)? What skills would be needed for new church members to
have the same level of say as the pastor? Is it in any way feasible for criminals to be involved in
the decision for their own incarceration? There have been thousands of successful companies
built on just such an open management style. It's been shown a static rule-based approach is
likely to lead to a culture of complacency (again what Maslow called a mediocrity disorder) while
open organizations are better at encouraging self-monitoring. For many decades, for example,
GM had to employ ten times as many people as Toyota to far less profitably produce a similar
number of less reliable cars as only Toyota relied on trust to sustain long-term relationships.
People simply work better in parallel. When people are organized bureaucratically for but serial
decision making, complexity naturally increases the probability of failure. A post-modern fear of
increasing complications may be best defeated with trust's resulting enthusiasm, autonomy, and
understanding. Instead of a need to know, or some assumed ability to hear, information should
be available on the right to know. There must be a shared agreement on what's important (how
to measure success) as well as institutionalized ways to stay in touch with accurate information.
This requires all members of any such group to better know who they are and what they want.
The problems described in the three Matrix movies all came about from trusting too much. Yet,
the solution to all of them was greater trust based on love that seeks to find only commonalities.
"It's not a question of ideas – there are already too many ideas!" Baudrillard
What's the danger of placing Lizards in charge? The greatest empire in the history (covering
85% of the world) was heavily based on Lizards, the British Empire. One of the key advantages
for the Americans in its revolutionary war was to target officers (leaving British soldiers totally
lost without others to think for them) as well as many innovations such as the first Small Pox
vaccine, the first Military Training Manual (written by a shamed and sacked homosexual officer),
as well as heavy use of spies (including women) not possible when Lizards micromanaged. This
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is not to say that strong leadership is not valuable. The important thing is that quality leadership
is never based on selfish cruelty or fear of lost face in their followers but based on real respect.
And, research shows you must have many opportunities to lead and be good at it to be healthy.
Peter Drucker defined leadership in 1985 as "the lifting of people's vision to a higher sight, the
raising of their performance to a higher standard, <and> the building of their personality beyond
its normal limitations." Such leadership, however, has been a rare find. For a business example,
a quarter of the 100 top American corporations listed even in the celebrated book "Search for
Excellence" by Peters and Waterman were dropped from the list or went out of business within
just a few years, many of the eleven most ethical companies selected by Jim Collins in "Good to
Great" are now doing poorly (with some even being found guilty of improper business practices),
and from 1995 to 2000 less than 4% of equity mutual funds were able to beat the market (thus
the leading economic brains have been unable to do better than, say, a young boy with Down
Syndrome and a box of darts). All such business problems are always leadership problems. So,
every individual, regardless of age or profession, should be called to lift up the visions of others.
Learning starts with some form of survival anxiety or guilt overcoming one's learning anxiety (the
best thing for improving any organization's health is some good competition). Learning anxiety
includes the fear of incompetence and punishment as well as the loss of personal identity and
group membership one's old culture provided. Management consultants believe some sense of
threat, crisis, or dissatisfaction has to be present for any stuck system to change (with old ways
needing to be unlearned before starting new ways). Any change thusly begins with some type of
"disconfirmation" which Kurt Lewin named "unfreezing" as human systems naturally endeavor to
maintain a stable equilibrium (such "inertia" is part of an "organizational kinetics"). Scandals and
failing student test grades are all sources of tripping over disconfirming data. The disconfirming
data, however, is not the underlying problem – it is only a symptom. Dr. Edgar Schein refers to
the following sources of disconfirmation in "The Corporate Culture Survival Guide" (2009, p118):
• An economic threat – unless you change, you will suffer some great loss
• A political threat – unless you change, some more powerful group will win out over you
• A technological threat – unless you change, you will become obsolete
• A legal threat – unless you change, you will go to jail or pay heavy fines
• A moral threat – unless you change, you will be seen as selfish
• An internal discomfort – unless you change, you will not achieve your goals and/or ideals
Alas, increases in survival anxiety tend to increase learning anxiety (decreases also leading to
decreases), which only prolongs the status quo. Thus, overcoming learning anxiety requires the
creation of a psychologically safe environment (or fault finding and constructive criticism without
any finger pointing) to accept new ways of doing things. While "packaged" systems of teaching
might be more digestible and saleable, it comes at the expense of real learning. This can be
fought with an education that includes a sense of discovery, surprise, risk, and not-knowing.
Since controlled and predetermined thinking is usually a problem, controlled and predetermined
teaching is rarely a good answer. Many teachers can accurately regurgitate definitions for things
like affinity and fishbone diagrams (like they require such regurgitation from their students) but
won't use them as overly rigid training never taught them the true value (like states allowing the
Vocational Education Act of 1963 to end the use of projects as set up by the Smith-Hughes Act
of 1917). Action is always much more than action plans. Correcting persistent problems requires
facing and controlling the paradoxical nature of people (insanity) using complex solutions that
transcends the compromising efforts (only losing what is unique and true in opposing positions).
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Dr. Schnarch (like all negotiators) refers to lose-lose compromise as "the tyranny of the lowest
common denominator." We go to the restaurant of life and pick from the menu only things that
will support our false self image (raising spin to the level of purpose) and skip far greater treats.
We might sincerely want to change, but we rarely are willing to pay for it. So, what must happen
before we can move to something new? How valid was our promises? What will be our legacy?
Do we address tension or only work around it? While personal management techniques such as
goal setting, time management, and appraisal systems can motivate students and workers, the
concept of personally meaningful rewards of work suggests that the self-influencing system is
the ultimate system of control. Self-leadership theory (Manz, 1996; Neck and Milliman, 1994)
underscores the intrinsic motivational force of self-influence in achieving individual interests.
Internal standards allow for a wider range of influences and self-control strategies from values
while more fully incorporating the role of intrinsic qualities. A super-ordinate goal such as a
personal mission, a spiritual value, or inspirational mentor leads us towards higher performance
(Senge, 1991). Extrinsic motivators from outside an individual (excessive focus on surrounding
artificial reward systems including manipulation through merit and incentive pay and externally
imposed time and quota pressures) can actually undermine creative thought. Despite being well
past the no-grade alternate philosophy popular a few decades ago, we've just somehow failed
to face that the problem still exists and only work to keep sweeping it under the proverbial rug.
Chess-in-the-Schools is a non-profit foundation that sends chess teachers to NYC Elementary
schools in disadvantaged neighborhoods. Teacher David MacEnulty (played by Ted Danson in
Knights of the South Bronx) overcame the social and economic problems of his fourth grade
class by telling them if they could win at chess, they could win in life. MacEnulty became the first
New York public school teacher to teach chess as an academic subject. With no money and
little support (except from his Principal, always key) in a overcrowded elementary school in the
South Bronx (in the poorest and crime ridden congressional district in the country) his team from
his first year won five first place trophies at the New York City Scholastic Chess Tournament
and more than 500 other trophies from 1994 to 1997. David showed any social, economic, or
home factors can be overcome by a quality teacher (as is the official policy of the NEA). Among
David's favorite chess sayings are, "Look at three or four ideas before choosing one," and "If
you don't know where every piece is and what each can do, you aren't ready for your next
move." "Not everyone can play sports," says Ted Danson. "Sports got me through high school,
made me feel like there was a reason for living. Music can do that for some kids, but not
everybody is into music or is a jock. Chess is an amazingly cheap way to capture a child's
imagination and expand their brain ... there's a quiet confidence that comes from a kid learning
how to play chess." Yet, David's success did not inspire geometric growth of such principles. I
can only assume the problem is we haven't yet hit bottom yet and pray we can survive doing so.
Psychologists borrowed the term "groupthink" from George Orwell's dark futuristic novel, 1984,
to describe a group incapable of critically assessing the pros and cons of decisions because the
group members feel so tightly connected, so cohesive, they prefer to see only one side of an
issue. They are easily led by a forceful leader and busy themselves falling in line, "kissing up" to
stay in good favor. They become a mindless, overprotective clique when assembled, putting the
political goal of squashing dissent above all other matters. Most people will choose the path of
least resistance and once people rationalize away internal conflicts to make themselves feel
good, the likelihood of them taking the more humane but more difficult action greatly decreases.
Former co-mobbers typically dump on successfully disenfranchised rebels, blaming their fate on
not understanding office or family politics, being immature, or for having a "personality clash."
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The distribution of opportunities always tilts toward the powerful unless the group first identifies
and commits to strong controlling ethical guidelines. Problems occur when the self-absorbed
needs of authority are placed ahead of the needs of weaker members (like children). The only
principal who supported Dr. Escalante, Gradillas, has since mused the program could only have
been saved had the school become a charter school, which are more accountable to parents. It
is only with such accountability based on verified accurate information that honesty is possible.
We must choose paths of greater resistance as a sort of revolution for the dead. As a first step, I
recommend a national day of mourning for past mistakes, Escalante's birthday, December 31.
And, we should fill our mourning with simple "I feel" statements (others can't argue with how you
feel). Finally, we must stop trying to fix ourselves and focus instead on fixing our relationships.
Key to such repair is accepting how our destructive feelings are expressions of how others feel.
Schofield Kid: "Yeah, well, I guess they had it coming." Will Munny: We all got it coming, kid."
Not that we should avoid such destructive feelings, but learn non-lethal ways to express them.
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"Now," said the doctor, "we will begin, yes?" Portnoy's Complaint by Philip Roth
A person ruled by Confirmation Bias, or his or her Id, can understand rewards and punishment,
as could any dog, without any true reflective awareness necessary to externalize self judgment
that allows seeing oneself as unfit as measured by one's moral standards for great self-loathing.
Many suggest putting away our rulers is a better way to live, but it's only living a dog's life. Self-loathing
is the only defense against becoming but puppets to our desires. It is also the only way
to decide today (this very moment as you read this very sentence) that you have had enough of
being incompetent, ineffective, and without a righteous purpose. This is hitting bottom. As crazy
as it sounds, there is tremendous power in hitting rock bottom. The first thing you have to do is
reframe your situation. The beauty of hitting rock bottom comes from realizing you have nothing
left important to lose. There's no way but up. This allows you to be free from worrying about any
negative outcomes as such normally gets in the way of accomplishing your goals. And, this puts
you in the perfect position to take far greater risks and push the envelope of what's possible. So,
open your windows and join Network's Beale in yelling "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to
take this anymore!" As a foundation, however, hitting bottom can be so useful that you've could
unwittingly set yourself up to fail. We do anything to keep afloat at the first signs of crashing, but
after the dust settles we realize deep down this is the escape for which we've wished. It might
be messier and more painful than you would have liked, but this means you no longer have to
pretend to like a life that doesn't fit. Death, if done properly, can open the door to life in heaven.
Sure, the way down is no fun, but the worst is behind you. Now, you get to start over. You likely
need to downsize, live a simpler life, and see the beauty in less. The fair weather friendships will
be long gone after the fall (no matter whose fault) but you can better value the people that stay.
Yes, it is tempting to wallow or to simply grab a gallon of ice cream and do a marathon of old TV
shows as a distraction from the pain. Alcohol and drugs are also popular diversions. But, doing
so leaves you in the same situation. Moreover, pain is good as it lets you know you're still alive.
Most Vietnam soldiers tended to become heroin addicts while fighting but most quit when they
came home and their stress lessened. The addictions weren't a symptom of an internal problem
but an external reality fracture. A small number, however, switched when home from heroin to
alcohol or lesser drugs. Again, most ended their secondary addiction on their own. Can you self-correct
on your own? Must you do everything on your own? Finally, what's the best way? You
may be best served by a mixture of answers. But, it starts by not feeling special or needing to be
perfect. Just as most soldiers in battle turn to heavy use of alcohol and drugs or people choose

to be neurotic or disturbed in order to medicate not being able forgive themselves, we can turn
to distractions. This could even be about great charitable efforts. Our distractions don't have to
be selfish. They only need to keep us from being honest and coming to terms with our shame.
We need to reframe our life and our responses to it. I love to hear a pack of coyotes chasing a
rabbit for dinner. The howling that terrified my second wife is instead to me sounds of a bunch of
healthy males out chasing "tail" not really caring if they catch their target as the howling seems
more about the chase. As professional prey, I only hear the howling from the perspective of the
hunters looking for a single meal. As a professional hunter (a narcissistic psychopath), she only
hears the howling from the perspective of the prey running for its life. What binds us most tightly
are the binds of our own making. We forgive to ease our own pain. My mother told me even if
God could forgive her (for what, she never said), she couldn't and died never forgiving herself.
"Suicide is painless. It brings on many changes and I can take or leave it."
Song from Mash (1970), lyrics by 14-year old Mike Altman
Robertson Davies says there is nothing more pitiable and pathetic than trying to be relevant. We
read self-help books and join churches or charities to help us attempt anything remarkable (and
then feel unworthy if we fail). The first temptation of Christ, however, was to be relevant: to turn
stones into bread and feed the hungry (including Himself); the second was to be spectacular: to
attempt suicide and allow the angels to catch Him (most suicides, especially those by women,
are all about simply trying to be caught); and, the third was the promise of power: over all the
world in exchange for becoming Satan's Zombie. Kevin Miller reminds us to "pause and reflect
on the fact that Jesus regularly refused to do miracles on demand (John 6:26-31), that he asked
many of the people who did receive his miracles not to talk about them (Mark 5:41-43), that he
said some things almost certain to drive people away (John 6:53, 60, 61)." For a society that
measures success in terms of individual effectiveness, Dr. Nouwen offers a counter suggestion
of "communal and mutual experience." I have a very hard time explaining this concept when we
are all "schooled" to only see profits. In reflecting on the success of Jesus' disciples who were
sent out in twos (like paired, mature, autonomous programmers of the Extreme Programming
System Development Life Cycle Model) to proclaim the news of reconciliation, Nouwen similarly
said (1993), "For Christian leadership to be truly fruitful in the future, a movement from the moral
to the mystical is required" – that it is more important to trust and love than it is to be relevant.
To recognize less can be more, that lowering the bar can raise it, that weak can be strong, that
honesty can be a lie, and that a lie can be the truth means taking control of our lives and deaths.
I was teaching my youngest son when he was 6-years old to ski and a young teenage instructor
mistakenly ran him down on the Bunny slope. When she made no effort to apologize, I ignored
her and attended to my son. She coldly asked if we wanted the rescue team called and got even
more irate when I continued to ignore her. She yelled she didn't know if I had heard her but she
claimed to have apologized (thus, being rude and a liar). When she left (and my son felt better),
I reviewed again with him how proper apologies always include four parts (a magic word, the
person's name, what was done wrong, and a plan to make it up or to improve). Seemingly to
reinforce my point, another instructor came up and jokingly asked the first if she had actually
just run down a small child and she tried to blame my son for the collision. I told my son that
people generally demonstrate such rudeness out of a fear of being seen and judged not good
enough. I asked him how many people would want an instructor that ran down small children.
His anger peaked and he yelled, "None!" I then asked him if he thought the best instructors in
the world ever run down small children and he again snapped out his answer of, "No!" I told him
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that even the best instructor, in fact, can make all kinds of mistakes but that the difference would
be that he or she would own up to it. So, that if he wanted to hire the best ski instructor, he likely
would chose poorly if he only picked from instructors who claimed they had never hurt a child.
The Bible contains quite a collection of great misfits. Abraham was a liar, Jacob (which means
deceiver) was also anxious, Leah was unattractive, Joseph was abused, Moses had a speech
impediment and was disobedient, Noah often got drunk, Gideon was underprivileged, Samson
was codependent and wholly self-absorbed, Rahab was depraved, David was an adulterous
murderer, Elijah was afraid and suicidal, Jeremiah was depressed, Jonah was unwilling, Peter
was impulsive (and often in denial), Zacchaeus was unpopular, Thomas was doubtful, Timothy
was timid, and Paul was overweight and of poor health. Finally, I believe the Sanhedrin refused
and eventually killed Christ not because they didn't believe He was of God, but simply because
He asked them to be humble instead of proud. What Tao calls turning "chi" life force into "shin"
spiritual energy, Buddhism calls "cessation" of self, and Islam refers to as "opening the heart,"
Christians more correctly IMHO know as the revelation of the Holy Spirit. Jesus tells us in John
10:4b and 5, "and the sheep follow Him, for they know His voice." Hebrews tells us we can train
our ear to recognize Him. "But solid food belongs to those who are of full age, that is, those who
by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil" (Hebrews 5:14).
"Let us reason together, saith the Lord" tells Isaiah 1:18 just as Romans 12:1-2 reports that it is
by a renewing of our minds (and not our hearts or souls) that we can be transformed. Romans
as well as Ephesians explain a "renewed" mind as one no longer ruled by shame (and not one
that does not sin) as a barrier to seeing the world truthfully. 2 Corinthians 10:5 describes this as
putting on the mind of Christ (and so, His objective viewpoint). He wants us to have not only the
empathy but the spiritual (in other words, communal) discernment to soar above our situation. I
often see pastors focusing on the sins and shortcomings of others in their sermons and Bible
studies while spending little time on their own indulgences. When leaving an "inspiring" service,
comments are always on how some relative or friend needed to hear it and never about how it
changed or inspired their lives. In fact, I hate hearing "inspiring" as no one who has ever used it
has ever been able to explain what they were inspired to do – they clearly just meant how good
the people could make them feel. Even though the Bible heroes I mentioned were chastised for
their sinfulness, they never lost their intimate relationship with God. God had a use for each of
them that justified them (and without fixing them or letting their sinful nature get in the way).
Christians are often tempted with long stories of heaven, feeling good, and opportunities to be
the co-dependent in charge. The greatest Biblical example of a sinful idol was prayer (shown by
Gideon destroying himself, his family, and his nation was worshiping the idea over the ideal).
Many will suggest that just trying your best is good enough while Jesus instead cautions trying
is just the grunting noises one makes when failing and that He expect even greater miracles
from us than He Himself performed (John 14:12-14). These are significant differences. Help is
often harmful just as helping a butterfly past the natural struggle out of its cocoon will only keep
it from ever flying (without the blood being pushed out into the wings by the healthy struggle).
Plato's earliest known work was the reporting of Socrates' courtroom defense (the first meaning
for the word apology) for the charges of questioning popular beliefs and thusly breeding rebels.
His boastful language in the face of the death penalty likely only aggravated the jury. Socrates
began by telling them he didn't know if they had already been persuaded by his accusers. He
explained valid philosophies always begin with a sincere admission of ignorance and clarified by
saying his wisdom had certainly been birthed in the knowledge he knew nothing. Plato asked
the men of jury to not decide his fate on the eloquence of his words (or intentional lack thereof).
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Ultimately, while Socrates made a logical and persuasive argument, he was still put to death.
Many historians believe his intent was to communicate that any righteous man who believed in
free speech who could be put to death in a society hypocritically claiming to defend personal
freedoms should demand the very death he was offered. The three men who brought charges
were Anytus, who was angered by his son choosing to be a student of Socrates, Meletus, who
was a member of the socialites offended by Socrates charge of corruption among the socialite
youth, and Lycon, who thought Socrates belonged to a group that had assassinated his son and
wanted revenge. The aging Socrates suggested the members of the jury had likely already been
poisoned against him as children by a few malicious and jealous "Lizards." He also continued
the argument he had made for decades that the new democracy of Athens (where the 500 men
of the jury had been selected by lottery) was but a breeding ground for growing a mindless mob.
It seems ironic his defense used the crime for which he was charged, the corruption of children.
Socrates had spent his life claiming all politicians were impostors, poets rarely understand their
own poetry, and craftsmen were all pretentious. This earned him the reputation of being but an
annoying know-it-all. He felt his life mission was to prove all human wisdom and achievements
have little or no value. He asked his countrymen "Are you not ashamed you give your attention
to acquiring as much money as possible, similarly with reputation and honor, while giving no
thought to understanding truth and the perfection of your soul?" The trial of Socrates is typically
seen by scholars as history's most interesting suicide, producing the first martyr for free speech.
Socrates seems to intentionally offend his jury in order to prove for history that they made moral
judgments only by their touchy-feely emotions and not any honest and blind desire for justice.
Do you believe such readings are inappropriate for just Second Grade readers? I hope not.
Marva Collins always had her Second Grade students read Plato, Shakespeare, and Emerson
on the first day of class. And, this motivated them to give up watching TV and playing with their
friends to study for all of their free time. Some parents pulled their children from her school to
keep their children from losing their childhoods. The rest advanced 4-5 grades that year. What
can children learn from someone intentionally crossing the line and attacking the face of a jury?
Dr. Goffman (1955) defined "Line" as patterns of action by which individuals present an image
of themselves and "Face" as "the positive social value a person effectively claims for himself by
the line others assume he has taken during a particular contact." Thus, Face is maintained by
having one's Line accepted. Events that seem incompatible with how we want people to see us
(whether positive or negative) must be avoided or mitigated in order for one not to lose Face.
Face threats can be from overt power, low familiarity, or social distance and speech patterns (of
informing, requesting, or rejecting) can encourage one to seek redressive strategies (positive or
negative), back off, work "under the radar," or perform poorly. Dr. Grice's communication rules
(1975) are: speak truthfully, say no more or less than required, follow the flow, and be clear.
While saying nothing is the safest, building greater familiarity can turn a threat into a foundation
for personal bonds. Such efforts begin with small talk like talking about the weather, building
affective reactions (such as smiling, but then smiling can be just as dangerous as texting when
different emotions are read than what was intended), synchronizing speech and appearance,
and affirmations. In fact, small talk is primary about people taking turns showing agreement.
Drs. Bickmore and Cassell tell in Relational Agents (1970) how just saying "Pass the salt" could
be heard as a rude command. There are many alternatives: Pessimistic: "You're not passing the
salt, are you?" Definitive: "Excuse me, sir, would you pass the salt?" Minimal: "Could you just
nudge that salt over here?" Off the record: "Mhm, I find this food a bit bland" (and so provide
plausible deniability with innuendo and ambiguous hinting). Positive: "Hey buddy, you want to
pass me the salt?" The best way to ask: "I'm sorry, but I'd be grateful for the salt" is far more
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oriented to the listener's autonomy concerns with an instantaneous apology, incurred debt, and
imposition minimization. Avoiding our face threats by sidestepping major power imbalances,
showing appreciation for the other's contributions, establishing a common ground through a
narrative therapy of emotional stories, increasing familiarity and solidarity by not spinning off on
random topics and keeping to contextual topics (speaking with intent), and building coordination
and positive affect with short synchronization efforts are the basics of effective small talk. In the
end, Socrates felt he'd be better off dead than playing such games (his fellow citizens agreed).
The most likely cause of any conflict is the current (or previous) clash of values, personalities, or
social norms. Thus, avoiding conflict (or being killed by a mob) requires being morally flexible
and constantly showing appreciation for every small contribution made by others. Accepting
someone's "objective" doesn't truly help as objectivity doesn't exist, but it communicates that the
relationship is more important than one's personal beliefs. Suspending discussions can help.
While logic is constant, emotions aren't and people can be more forgiving, for instance, during
the holidays. It's important to become competent at establishing relaxed conversational rapport.
Few professionals are any good at this from a lack of understanding basic human psychology
due to never having been trained on how to properly phrase questions. Transmitting real data is
secondary to developing a shared understanding. And so, most bonding conversations involve
no real exchange of information. TVs, emails, and cell phones provide fewer opportunities for
small talk and the physical proximity that helps build co-dependence. We end up sending mixed
messages, using blocked body language, and fail to catch cultural cues or ask for feedback.
Like Socrates, Christ also showed we prefer only subjugation from others over any true ideals.
The point they were trying to make is that avoiding conflict is only for those who wish to live.
And, they believed life only begins after death as well as that it is better to be fired than to quit.
Thusly, neither ever apologized for their statements or actions nor ever regretted dying for them.
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Few people have the wisdom to prefer the criticism that would do them good,
to the praise that deceives them. -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Bradbury says he was inspired to write Fahrenheit 451 due to the many criticisms of his work. It
is typical to become defensive when receiving constructive criticism given with good intentions
due to the overuse of negative and nagging criticism. People tend to be passive and defeated or
blindly aggressive and in so only increase the likelihood that their statements, especially without
face-to-face contact, would be misinterpreted. There are no set rules. Stronger language can
sometimes break through a defensive shell and bluntness can be seen as honest and efficient,
while softer approaches can be seen as manipulative and condescending. Thus, going slow
with keen attention to any feedback will be obviously critical. The only instruction that I've had
on criticism with weekly practice was my advanced art class in High School. Critical to success
in art class was the shared assumption of everyone's good intensions. In other situations, the
preceding discussion on small talk and avoiding face threats could be extremely useful in
creating a similarly positive environment for criticism and encouraging constructive conflict. In
other words, criticism works best when both sides know what they're doing, but don't expect it.
Again, every management expert for the past 50 years has insisted that healthy environments
encourage even fringe dissonant and not just tolerate conflict. I have never seen or heard of
such a work, home, or worship situation, some that have tolerated the occasional clashing, but
none that actually demonstrate knowledge on how, or made any effort, to develop surroundings
of increasing cognitive dissonance despite all natural psychological motivation to the opposite.
People logically want their expectations to be verified and become very distressed by anything

that doesn't fit with what they believe. Thus, people usually trivialize or denigrate even to the
point of extremely destructive behavior with whatever disagrees or in any way threatens them.
William Miller convinced a large group of people from many different denominations around the
country that Christ would return first March 21, 1944 and then April 18, 1944. Of course, both
dates came and went. The consequence was simply reworking their beliefs to fit the reality in
that Jesus had decided in favor of a "time of waiting" starting from their correctly identified date.
The same type of rationalization occurs when people claim God often waits to answer prayers.
Dissonance (the contradictory concept to Doublespeak) builds when unpleasant activities are
engaged to achieve a superordinate goal. Such pain and work is unfortunately often avoided by
minimizing the desirability of our more honorable goals; for example, smokers tell themselves
smoking tastes good and cancer only happens to others in order to increase the perceived
gains and minimize the widely accepted danger of their self-destructive habit. Similarly, we
make excuses for our unexplained feelings, minimize regret for bad choices (we are most sure
of our bets only after making them), justify behavior normally in opposition to stated beliefs
(people are less harsh of actions after doing them themselves), or aligning one's perceptions of
a person with their behavior (nice actions must indicate a nice person). Married partners with
different religious beliefs are naturally motivated to rationalize such incongruence. People often
self-handicap themselves so that failures can be easier to justify (such as a student who drinks
heavily the night before an exam in response to fear of failing). Rewarding "good" behavior has
been shown to actually decrease motivation for such behavior that's unrewarded in the future.
Individuals that choose a course of action and are willing to invest in it will make greater efforts
to make the plan successful. In other words, the quality of a plan is less important than simply
having any plan. People don't consciously think about their pain. They simply infer their attitudes
from their behavior. If we find ourselves doing something (as a slave to our base Id or external
manipulation), we labor to explain it (by forcing false rationality on our irrational behaviors). The
greatest antecedence to internal conflicts is the false belief in our inner goodness. Daily threats
to our false self-image include saying "I am an honest person" but then overtly lying to people.
"Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them." -- Albert Einstein
Pastor Max Lucado preaches we're all "thieving, lying, adulterous murderers." What keeps us
from being greater? Those things we hold most personal are but those things over which we
have no control. We read self-help books, have our fat vacuumed out, memorize great quotes,
and work to be more agreeable; yet, know it is not the "us" that fate intended. After we accept
the cards we are dealt, we get to play them as we choose. Empathy is the physical, intellectual,
and emotional (discernment adds spiritual) ability to understand another. Some have called this
potential higher-order awareness as "Presence" (Drs. Senge, Scharmer, Jaworski, Flowers).
The organized development of "human capital" must involve, at the very least, maintaining a
great sense of urgency by fighting complacency and baseless happy talk, providing a stream of
short-term wins, building a guiding coalition, identifying specific strategies, and maintaining
broader stakeholder involvement (by growing together and not just dragging people along). My
MBA dissertation (based on work by Mink, Owen, Kotter, Mitroff, etc.) showed correlations with
commitment, satisfaction, and achievement with profit. It is imperative we understand not our
beliefs, but the shared ethics and values which base our beliefs. As T. Ohno (developer of the
socio-technical Just-in-time Production System at Toyota) has observed, success comes not
from an organization's formal systems but from the human spirit that supports those systems.
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While the ability to identify with others may be partly innate (the intuitive emotional aspect), it is
primarily something learned and achieved with various degrees of intensity and accuracy (the
perspective taking). Empathy (what Husserl and Sister Edith Stein call "conscious") is always
seen as distinct from sympathy, but there are different opinions about the distinction. Sympathy
is more than just feeling what another is feeling based on "remote learning" as the difference
between you and another can become blurred. It could be "I understand you" or "I agree with
you." But, it is more likely "I am you" (allowing for intellectual, emotional, as well as spiritual
susceptibilities). An empathetic understanding from personal experiences can thusly be a safer
basis for emergent compassion and encouragement. Compassion is the added emotional desire
to help while encouragement is the skill to know how to help. Compassion provides comfort by
letting us know we are not alone and encouragement provides hope by showing us how change
might happen. The key point which is usually missed about compassion and encouragement is
the emotional desire and intellectual practical understanding of the need for change ("you have
a problem"). Moreover, change only begins with the knowledge and conveyed importance
(overcoming any denial) for the need for change ("and, there's a solution") facilitating empathy
and sympathy to be transformational, which then defines the term "community" (Baltmore and
Carmel, 2011). Using a third-person narrative emotionally accurate explanation (myth) for self-discovery
is the only door for "double loop" or geometric learning (rather than "eye lash" – when
those following you have no advantage, where teaching is missing, the empathy antithesis).
Thus, encouragement requires a broad and deep understanding of underlying conditions to
prevent (per Deming) 30 years of experience becoming but 1 year of experience 30 times over.
"They who have read many books are more exalted than such as have seldom studied;
they who retain what they have read, than forgetful readers; they who fully understand,
than such as only remember; and they who perform their known duty, than such as
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barely know it." (Institutes of Menu, 1830)
The most difficult aspect of reality with which we must come to terms is that we don't actually
have any real control over any external aspect of our lives. We routinely lie to ourselves (the
best lies are the ones we convince ourselves to believe – what I cll doing the "Full Pinocchio").
The biggest lies are about how we have full control over deciding on our friends or careers and
can easily manufacture success by just strengthening our will or by correcting our perspective.
We routinely get "screwed" by unfair actions by friends, family, peers, and bosses. Some of my
worst treatment was at the hand of my teachers. The only thing we have control over is who we
choose to love (and certainly not who loves us back). Now, an unreturned love is of course
nothing but a silly infatuation. So, true love (even if only one-sided) must be based on respect
and admiration for those values that are the most important to us. If anyone manipulates these
choices (as was done in the movie 1984) we truly can lose ourselves. I believe, however, that
we can go home again with sufficient self-forgiveness. If our lives have been unfairly taken from
us, the only way to get it back is by accepting life is what it is and that we need greater self-love.
Referent power comes from trust and respect derived from a self-knowledge and acceptance
based on consistent and constant application of strong personal idealization. Only when we
surrender our need to control our external world can our referent power expand. Grief and
bitterness over being treated unfairly (and we all have) can be reduced only by moving past
sadness with sufficient empowerment for control of what you can. Winston Smith is tortured and
brainwashed by O'Brien within the Ministry of Love. Pain can motivate us to believe anything,
but not at all times. And, freedom lies in those small glimpses of the truths we work to help hide.
Only great support systems for our personal integrity can hope to leverage those moments of

awareness to rebuild a valid personality. We spend too much time acquiring money and power
and too little time on support systems, without which, individual personal integrity is powerless.
We all have friends and acquaintances, but few of us have real support. Spock in an episode of
Star Trek is shown a video of Captain Kirk committing murder. At first, Spock can't explain the
video, but he never questions Kirk's innocence. Watson likewise refuses to believe Sherlock's
guilt in the sixth episode in the new BBC series. If you were told of a lack of personal integrity of,
say, your closest friend by law enforcement, the public at large, all of your friends, and even the
individual themselves, would you believe it? Would they believe it about you? In order to ignore
such "facts" would obviously require unbelievable great self-trust. So, do you so trust yourself?
"Self-trust is the first secret to success." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Self-trust is much more than just self-confidence and self-reliance. Such things are important
but miss the mark. Cynthia Wall writes in The Courage of Trust that it is both a learnable skill as
well as a choice to be made in each and every moment. It has alternately been argued that it is
an innate ability beaten out of us by institutionalized groupthink. Creativity is tightly connected to
trust and thus encouraging avenues for creative development and freedom is fundamental to
trusting all of our instincts (starting with our artistic instincts). Plus, honest artistic expression of
our values is a required aspect of understanding our normative moral and emotional identity. It's
also good to become an expert at something. Common choices include coaching, golfing, fly
fishing, and parenting. The danger for me personally is that such education can become a sort
of shopping therapy distraction. It's key to pick more than one specialist hat. Finally, making and
keeping commitments, especially to yourself, can also go a long way to building your self-trust.
The time management skill of time blocking can also help keep you honest about your priorites.
The development of self-trust is often overlooked or worse corrupted by some magical thinking.
Without self-trust, we only live through other people. It is the only defense to having our power
taken and living in a state of constant fear. When you trust yourself, problems seem smaller and
less worrisome. We tend to over schedule ourselves when we don't trust ourselves to perform.
Needing to be coerced to do something comes from not wanting to do it and we end up viewing
life as but a chore. Motivational problems can result from fears of success or failure. Indifference
can be just as debilitating. Self-trust is a virtue that's all but lost in our externally focused society.
But, only when we accept ourselves exactly as we are can we change and not stay that way.
Notice your desires and how some statements can arouse them. Then, notice how some people
(such as politicians) like to toss out buzz-words, phrases, and slogans that will arouse certain
desires in you. This is how your feelings can betray you. A repeatedly abused and bullied child
will often prefer poor friends solely because of indications they won't hurt us. They suggest that
buying their products will make us beautiful and happy. Marketing is defined as helping people
decide, say, whether a bike, a bus, or a car might be the best solution to living a mile from work.
But, marketing must first make a moral sale, such as that living a mile from work is a problem.
50,000 such critiques of our morals bombard us daily. Politicians want us to believe they are
wise and right about everything and that we'll never disapprove of them if we are patriotic. We
are exposed daily to peer pressures to conform to popular beliefs, standards, and behavior. We
are told to try to program ourselves with motivational tapes, self-help books, and even chanting.
Building self-trust requires learning to recognize when our opinions are not our own. We could
all use some deprogramming to overcome these common suppressions to our rational thinking.
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"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act." – George Orwell
You might be afraid your world would fall apart or of losing all your friends if you told the truth.
And, you could be right. They might even want to harm or kill you (martyrdom is nothing new).
There are days when we all feel like we have the worst life. But, some lives are measurably
worse than others. Declining opportunities and salaries as well as increasingly more stressful
and abusive environments can create overwhelming feelings of hopelessness especially when
following rising expectations. The world is a scary place. I was repeatedly beaten before I was
one year old. The hardest thing to deal with was the fear of dying (as I didn't die). I learned how
to stop being afraid by hating everything. Seeing no value in anything meant I didn't fear losing
any of it. My new lack of fear concerning death, though, made giving in to life's fear and pains
an ever greater threat. Plus, the numbness was overwhelming. By asking hypothetical what-if
questions to help see alternative points of view, by understanding how most people want to and
can control us in order to plants seeds of doubt about those things we hold most certain, and by
honestly reflecting on our personal involvement in misguiding our lives due to fears of not living
up to our hopes and expectations can help us become motivated to ask life changing questions.
Robert Bly says in Iron John this is best done in a tribal environment. As a start, we can "prime
the pump" by ritualizing the initiation into adulthood (possible at any age). He was moved during
the Vietnam era by seeing young men not get what they needed to be men. Robert Bly blamed
the fathers of the 60's for lying about the nature of the war and asking their sons to be soldiers
while remaining out of it themselves (unlike any previous war). Today, children find their fathers
foolish while women see them as dull. Bly sadly recognized all a young boy need do to be seen
as a man today is to reject their father. In such a world, Bly says the father can no longer be the
initiator of any awakening process. We have a role to play but we lack the necessary influence.
This is probably the harshest reality of my own life – the most agonizing impotence for any man.
Bly suggested a national take our sons to the library day to show them our favorite books, but all
parties need to be utterly frustrated with the existing status quo for anything like that to happen.
How would you define the perfect parent? I believe it's someone who models characteristics like
safety, nurturing, teaching, and self-trust. What's your favorite way to express love? For me, it's
cooking for (and with) someone. Even as a young child, I like cooking for my parents. What are
your favorite stories? I've mentioned Poppins, Serpico, and the Matrix as well as provided many
quotations. I own about 3,000 books and 400 movies and clearly stories play a key role in my
identity. Using stories to express ideas is far more advanced communication than just words.
Buddha allegedly said, "Slay me if you meet me on the road," (to a student who believed he had
just experienced heaven during meditation), by which he meant to suggest that one should not
believe in the image of a man (or heaven) but to reach an understanding of the essence of life
though self-exploration. Science likewise suggests a gradual climb to truth. Similarly, Jacob was
blessed by God and renamed Israel for besting (or "slaying") his image of God (and man, his
brother) when meeting Him on the road in Genesis 32:28. The Bible often describes the rallying
of people and the resulting changes in their relationship with God (truth, love). Can you describe
times you have rallied or led and the resulting changes in your relationships? In other words,
can you explain your personal success in besting and slaying false images of God (and man)?
Leadership definitions assume leaders are either born, developed perhaps, but not made (trait
theory) or that the situation dictates emerging leaders (situational theory). Leadership is defined
in Army Leadership as "the process of influencing others to accomplish the mission by providing
purpose, direction, and motivation." LTC Edward Lyman Munson, Jr. defined leadership (1942)
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with "the instant, cheerful, and willing obedience and cooperation of subordinates." Leadership, I
would say, is more about a shared spiritual gift. Catholics define leadership as one of the seven
to ten shared elements of parish life that involves "calling forth the gifts of visioning, planning,
empowering, and evaluating from the clergy and the laity for the fulfillment of the parish mission
and the service of the community." Management guru Dr. Peter Drucker also defined leadership
spiritually as "the lifting of people's vision to a higher sight, the raising of their performance to a
higher standard, <and> the building of their personality beyond its normal limitations." (1985)
More recently, authors suggest the greatest leadership is more easily found in the first follower.
MBA programs unfortunately focus only on the easier-to-teach skills of budgeting, resource
allocation, and results monitoring instead of the more important relationship skills of leadership:
persuasion, negotiations, and sales. Business schools and organizations are thusly turning out
great managers (but not great leaders) who tend to use little more than a command-and-control
management style concentrating only on planning and budgeting, organizing and staffing, as
well as controlling and problem solving. These produce a degree of predictability and order with
the potential to successfully produce the consistent short-term results expected by various firm
stakeholders, such as being on time for customers and being on budget for stockholders. Real
leadership, on the other hand, means developing a vision for the future and, equally important,
motivating, inspiring, and aligning people around that vision. These skills have the potential to
produce far more useful changes, such, for instance, as for developing radical new products
that customers want and creative approaches to labor relations that can help make a firm more
competitive. If one asks a manager what his or her vision is, one will likely hear only about an
operating plan. A plan by no means, however, can lead and inspire the way a vision can. More
than a strategic effort of gauging systemic assets and opportunities, building a vision includes
getting in touch with values and how they define us. Most of us know something about using our
heads but little about using our hearts. What is your vision for your children? Do you have one?
There are various formal models for measuring leadership (CMM, PSP, Six-Sigma, etc), where
the most basic is the ISO 9001:2000 (1994 version was updated to align more with ISO 14001,
OHSAS 18001, and the Malcolm Baldridge criteria). While these models are very similar, in
philosophy 9001 is more about "understanding what we did today well enough to be sure we
can do it again tomorrow," CMM (as is the Malcolm Baldridge Award) is more about "what" to
measure (KPAs in level 2) to ensure that we do it better tomorrow, and PSP and Six-Sigma is
more about predefined processes for "how" best to forecast and validate that improvement as
well as the "who" and the "why" (CTQs from VOCs). It is a common misconception the 9001
standard requires a lot of burdensome documentation since a quality system can be as simple
as a creative single page if such would be best. Once what is needed is understood, there
needs to be a process that ensures these requirements are being met and that effectiveness is
being measured. It is to this end that ISO 9001 requires such involvement be formally described
creating an environment in which anyone can succeed. Someone who recognizes leadership,
knows the existing vision, how to maintain accountability, how to be useful, and keeps an open
mind is first a good follower. One of the usual ways Americans learn follow-ship is as playing
football on a back sandlot, voting on a quarterback, and then doing whatever that person tells
them to. Every time we stand by and just watch, we demonstrate a lack of faith in our humanity.
Dr. Moberg and the attendees of the 1971 White House Conference on Aging conceptualized
spiritual well-being as the effective understanding of the meaning of God and humanity. In their
theory of spiritual well-being, every person has an intense internal essential value as a driving
resource for managing their personal life. One spiritual phenomenological study was made of
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the practice of selfless service within the context of for-profit organizations in the dissertation of
Krista Kurth at George Washington University (1995). A more comprehensive empirical study
was done by David Trott at the University of Texas in his doctorial paper "Spiritual Well-Being of
Workers: Exploring the Influences of Spirituality in Everyday Work Activities" (1996). Drs. Mitroff
and Denton completed a significant academic study in "A Spiritual Audit of Corporate America"
at the Marshall School of Business (1999). Spiritual well-being theory focuses on the importance
of relationships, transpersonal, interpersonal, and intrapersonal, the role of the human spirit in
driving a meaningful life purpose, the contribution of spiritual well-being to an overall sense of
well-being, and a dynamic interconnected life-affirming approach to living in the moment (Trott).
Key to this new dialog is that what counts is not only what individuals and organizations do and
how they do it, but also the inner place from which they operate (Claus Otto Scharmer, 2002).
Kurt Lewin, father of "Action Research" theory, lauds personal change agents with,
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"You cannot understand a system unless you change it."
What does manhood initiation ceremonies, leadership, statistics, and spiritual theory have in
common? I believe John Donne said "No man is an island" specifically because none of these
things are relevant without a village. I used to have a number of hang gliding friends. They told
me the hardest aspect of the sport is to be so overflowing with enthusiasm for the sport that you
can get it to infect someone else to the point that they're willing to drive off blindly following you
to provide you a ride back. This is a required skill for any success. My favorite teaching heroes,
Escalante, Collins, Clark, MacEnulty were a bit cruel, stuck up, selfish, and even illiterate. But,
they were all Olympic class cheer leaders and motivators. Teaching skills are wholly about the
ability to inspire – something we should all aspire to acquire. I've said I hate the word inspiring
because when I hear someone describe a book as inspiring (which is often) I always ask what
the book inspired the person to do; and, I always get a "what?!?" Then, I ask if inspiring is so
important to them, what have they inspired others to do; and, I get a "what do you mean?" All
of the stuff I've just recently written about (including teaching) never really happens specifically
as no one is doing much inspiring. My four mentioned teaching heroes were all losers in the end
IMHO as they all wholly failed at inspiring anyone to be like them and make any real changes to
our education system (which, despite a popular movie about each one, typically rejected them).
Leadership doesn't mean being a Lizard with a lot of following Zombies under one's control –
although this is sadly how we typically define "inspiring." The problem with true inspiration is that
it's only measurable with predictions over hundreds of years. And yet, American employees and
employers typically fail to look past two years when interviewing. Nothing in life can be useful
unless it is part of a shared multi-generational planning effort. Alas, I've never known anyone to
think this way. And, this is the whole crux of the problem. Moreover, it's where I've now come in
my thesis. This is more than just the idea that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single
step. I could inspire a thousand people to change every day and not have the long-term impact
that would occur if I could inspire just one person every year while teaching them to do the
same. This starts with me inspiring you to do something entirely dissimilar to anything for which
you may be familiar, with the resulting desire to affect others similarly. Without being able to do
this, the effort is a waste and I will not just be dying since birth but already dead and useless.
"Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry." – L. Abbott
Clearly my measure for success is high. So high, in fact, that I have no role models to follow. No
church (where we usually consider going to find inspiration) for the past 400 years has managed

inspirational growth past its founding Lizards and their Zombies. No government has remained
true to its founding ideals for that long either. In fact, no system of mankind has ever achieved
success as measured by such a large rubric. I believe all human advancement has been due to
more dumb luck rather than any intention. So, why would I think it is possible? Well, I have faith.
Sadly, I believe it unlikely for most people to even have read this far not to mention be motivated
to believe in such greatness without stronger impetus than my ramblings. It may take seriously
bad times; maybe even Armageddon level bad times. I spend effort here only to suggest when
life universally becomes so much worse than today that I might leave you with the smallest seed
of faith in believing it may not be the end of the story for mankind. It would be nice if any of you
were willing to learn about Six-Sigma Team Charters as well as the variety of math needed for
rational decisions and to work through their personal vision quest as well as building a strong
tribe of supporting family capable of walking you and your children and your grandchild through
an emotional and spiritual initiation into adulthood. Unfortunately, I don't really expect that much.
Many people have argued for the rights of individuals to have free and open access to suicide.
They argue when life gets too hard to live, we should respect the key right of people to choose.
On October 27th, 1930, 1236 members from six of the Seedig aborigine tribes of Taiwan took up
arms against the invading Japanese during which 130 Japanese were killed. These indigenous
peoples had been treated as sub-human and after the attack 2,000 soldiers were sent in to wipe
them out. The Seedig retreated into the mountains but after two weeks had still not been rooted
out. Thus, the Japanese gassed them out (the first use of tear gas in Asia). 644 were killed but
290 choose mass suicide. Around 500 surrendered and were left confined without weapons so
other competing Seedig tribes were able without resistance to murder every adult male. The few
hundred surviving women and children were forced to move to the plains and lead an agrarian
existence. None have ever been allowed to return. But, the 290 Seedig expected this and chose
death over helplessness. Native Americans similarly generally chose death over subjection. The
Wushe Uprising, however, did lead to changes in Japan's policies, fearing others would follow.
The Battle of Okinawa during WWII left over 185,000 dead (this is more than those killed in the
atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki). With the impending victory of the Americans, the
Japanese military convinced (some say even forced) thousands to kill themselves with stories
that American soldiers often raped their female captives. While no one was charged, thousands
were in fact raped (this is common in war; Japan's Jiang Jieshi had raped tens of thousands of
women during his invasion of China). Most women were so ravaged and under fed they were
infertile. But, many resulting pregnancies were aborted while the few children born of American
soldiers were all suffocated (The Battle of Okinawa by George Feifer, 1994). Our soldiers have
raped girls in every war (as in Saudi Arabia in GW I and then Iraq in GW II). The three American
soldiers who raped a 12-year Okinawan girl in 1995 were only the first to be charged. By their
own accord, the Marines gagged with duct tape and violently beat the small girl walking home
from school "just for fun." Their testimony was interrupted when the court's interpreter broke
down in tears. One soldier, a past Boy Scout and church usher, claimed throughout it all that he
had only participated out of fear but three years after being released and returning home, he
raped and strangled a young teenager and then slashed his wrists. So, suicide is often better
than having an American for a "friend." According to a 2011 Newsweek report and estimates
from the Pentagon, as many as half of all soldiers get raped by their peers. Senator Collins of
the Armed Services Committee asked "What does it say about us as a people, as a nation, as
the foremost military in the world when our soldiers sometimes have more to fear from their
fellow soldiers than from the enemy?" Army sergeant Myla Haider added "generally soldiers
who make any type of complaint in the military are subject to retaliation and have no means of
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defending themselves." Is it any surprise about 120 returning vets kill themselves every week?!?
Other ways that our soldiers often self-destruct include depression, isolation, and chronic anger.
The broad general rule is that a person is about as big as the things that make him or her angry.
So, perhaps you might be motivated to work for major social changes (before any Armageddon)
due to feelings about your ancestors being wiped out. I am part Lenni Lenape (the Delaware
Indians). It was the oldest and largest American tribe (others referred to them as Grandfathers).
The very first treaty signed by the U.S. was with them (promising they would be guaranteed a
state of their own – isn't that a laugh). But, the U.S. recently declared the Lenni Lenape (literally
means the Original People) extinct. The 11,000 decedents in Oklahoma have yet again been
reclassified as Cherokee (just after they had just yet again regained independent tribal status).
There are about 6,000 living around Philadelphia and another 3,000 in Ontario and Wisconsin.
That's the same number as were originally spread out over several states. But, today there are
no pure bloods. Much of the native language was forgotten in boarding schools and lands lost in
the late 1800's. And so, the U.S. Government has declared them dead (generally a result of our
government's efforts). Then, there's the story of how Senator Udall (and others) blatantly lied to
Congress in order to force 16,000 Navaho to move out of their homes (so forcibly that a quarter
of them died) so as to be able to steal uranium and coal off of Arizonan reservations at pennies
a ton (and made it illegal for Native Americans to hire their own attorneys in attempts to stop this
illegal activity). The movie about the story, Broken Rainbow, won an Academy Award in 1986.
The list of good reasons to be mad is clearly unending. So, is there anything that angers you?
Every child is special – so extraordinary it makes one wonder where so many ordinary adults
come from (ha ha). First, everything we are taught are lies, even the science and math. For
example, I was taught parallel lines are unable to meet at infinity as the idea is considered too
difficult for people to handle and I was taught the moon is magnified by the atmosphere at the
horizon as it is believed to be comforting. Knowledge, it seems, is measured by little more than
its social value. This may leave us with an unconscious belief we have no intrinsic value beyond
our value as Zombies to Lizards. Any hint that we only live blue pill lives is resisted. Dr. Janes
from the London Business School has said trust is globally at an all time low and warns we are
in great danger of losing faith in the legitimacy of our political and economic systems. Our own
country is being undermined by pervasive distrust by isolated and self-serving factions. Alas, my
"best" friend has been increasingly discouraging, saying I am self-absorbed and cold hearted.
My workplace called the police when a peer happened to catch the title of this paper (even after
attempts to explain it); perhaps as protections from the liability of doing nothing in this blame
everyone else sue me sue you paranoid country we've built. We simply can't afford to trust.
We humans use communication to turn ideas into the glue that binds our community identities
(as I said earlier, I see myself as engineer, Christian, rebel, and information maven). In past oral
traditions, an idea spread using the child's telephone game, from person to person. Everyone
briefly owned the idea, modified it, and choose to spread it through his or her social networks or
let it die. It was survival of the fittest (not factual fitness but emotional fitness) and only the most
compelling ideas survived. The last century of the broadcast (and legal) era changed all that as
audiences had less participation and became consumers of ideas (to the great glee of Lizards)
and moralities with access to broadcast channels guarantying attention. Survival has been more
about saying the least (and so being the least offensive) and from a source of money and power
(rather than value). Now that the broadcast era is ending, with audiences regaining control of
idea generation, we are entering a time that looks like a much larger version of the oral tradition.
Alas, we've forgotten how to be story tellers (and hearers). It starts from thinking about every
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aspect of your life not as something that occurred by chance but as narrative expressions of the
morals and underlying values you need to share. The most successful stories (lives, products,
or whatever) are those that call people to higher human values. Sadly, we no longer work on our
values (and have been raised to believe they don't matter). Words like community, justice, truth,
and self-expression are not well understood and not often used. For instance, how many times
did you use one of these words in the past week, or month? I suspect the answer is not once.
The journey of an unlikely hero (best if someone often seen as a buffoon), who is unclear how
to express his or her values meets a mentor who convinces them they're capable of much more,
providing some sort of magic gift and calling the person to a dangerous journey of self discovery
where the evil source of the world's shared brokenness will be defeated in order to allow access
to a treasure that can help heal society, is the most successful story throughout all time. These
are the types of stories we want to hear again and again. We should think of ourselves not as
"insiders" but as "outsiders." But, we don't like to think of ourselves this way. And so, we should
instead create a third person identity, the unlikely hero, who is not really us but the "us" we hope
to become (our shared Super-Ego – if you recall our Egos work to grow our Id by the example of
our Super Ego). If you are not the outsider who becomes the hero, who are you? In this classic
storyline, this leaves you the role of the mentor. You should live the life of the one who informs
the budding future you that more is possible. You must work to connect your future self to your
values starting with one core truth that will is the moral of your rebirthing story, a lighthouse of
unending hope to heal a broken self (if you have the courage to see it, as Merida in the movie
Brave says). Stop talking about how great you are and start talking about how great you can be.
Then, give yourself a "magic" gift. For example, in the latest Spiderman movie, Spiderman loans
his mask to a scared boy to give him courage and strength. It should be something that says
success is not just possible, but likely. Something timely, mythical, and iconic: such as a cross
pendant (iconic for struggling), a dragon (iconic for slaying), a World Series baseball card (iconic
for winning), a briefcase or watch (iconic of business), an old book (iconic for timeless wisdom),
or a knife or razor (iconic for entering manhood). In Starwars, Obi-wan Kenobi presents Luke
Skywalker his old but visibly modified Lightsaber (iconic of life's lessons learned the hard way).
Everyone has a favorite color, food, band, etc. People ask about such preferences not because
one is right or more right than others but because such choices define us. It's not about whether
the Beatles were truly better than the Stones, but about why we think so. Alas, we seem to only
live lives with blinders on, thinking such answers matter rather than realizing it is only that such
questions matter with the most important being what is your favorite moral. It's not about finding
a creative answer, but plagiarizing one. This leads us to who is your favorite hero; not because
the answer is important but because realizing why is so life-defining. Crooked Arrow is a movie
about a people whose life defining gift is a lacrosse stick. John Hopkins, Maryland, Princeton,
Syracuse, and the US Naval Academy are the top school teams (Syracuse is the only university
that shares land with an Indian reservation). A century ago, the game was primarily played on
the East Coast, but it has recently become America's fastest growing sport (taking over Soccer).
The game was originally played by all of the men of a tribe (or between tribes when used as a
trial by combat to replace war) on a field potentially over a mile square for two to three days. It
played a significant role in the social and religious life of the tribe as it was for the entertainment
of the Creator and was referred to as "The Creator's Game." Games have traditionally provided
training for war (for instance, the first American football tournaments were Army-Navy games).
Today, we no longer keep score and pretend everyone's a "winner;" just another social suicide.
We are today typically raised to believe we are motivated to war by the desire to get stuff. The
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suggestion war is but the natural deep human need to learn and create, to direct our own lives,
and to achieve honor sounds laughable. This is perhaps the greatest chasm between what we
believe and what it real. For example, I learned in my MBA program that the greatest myth of
management is that people are most easily and best motivated by money (stuff). The reality is
when there's enough stuff for a minimal existence, it is not even one of the top ten motivators.
What is your favorite icon of your life's struggle for creativity, individuality, and honor (or of war)?
There are a lot of books in my home, but they aren't icons of me – they're of my parents. I have
the miner's lantern used in one grandfather's youth and surgical tools from college for the other.
I used to own rugs made by one grandmother (but high use wore them out) and old family photo
from the other. I have a box full of different yo-yos (I was the best in my Junior High), several of
my old magic tricks, and a kitchen full of gadgets. I have some of the puppets of my youth, but
somehow they're not me either. I have countless computers and AV systems (one costing more
than my car) in a home where I have personally chose every flooring, every fixture, and every
lamp. None of it is really "me" because all of this stuff only represent my past (and present) and
none of it represents my future. They are about who I am, but I am a lot more than who I am. In
physics, it called potential energy. Much of who I am, truly, is who I can become. When we talk
about children being perfect we mean that we all start off capable of being anything. My home is
missing my every decreasing future self. Hey, I bet you never thought you could go on a vision
quest in your own home. In this we are not looking for something hidden but something missing.
It's probably something you're afraid to admit or afraid to do. For example, my home is missing
a room to paint. I have not painted since 10th Grade from a fear that it might not turn out well.
What happened to scare me so? I was drawing my grandfather on a canvas to prepare doing a
painting of him. My father happened to see it and exclaimed that it "actually looked like him!" It
was the first time, in fact it was the only time, I can remember really impressing my father. What
if I painted over the drawing and it didn't still look like him? It would be lost forever. And so, I
have carried that canvas around with me for 40 years waiting for the courage to finish it. Plus,
my Japanese teahouse is missing. A teahouse is a place of quiet and beauty. My house is filled
with noise and distractions (a pool table, a foosball table, 6 foot speakers, etc). I realize one of
the things I've never allowed myself is a small Japanese teahouse. Why? Who would want to
come over to drink tea and do nothing, not even talk (there's not even furniture in a teahouse)?
But, a teahouse is for guests. What else is missing in my house? A wife, children, in fact any
family at all is plain missing from my house (life). You don't get to choose your family. Desmond
Tutu said family is God's gift to you, as you are to them. Like most people, I suspect, I feel a a
bit short changed in that area. We all know that almost half of marriages fail today. But, I bet you
didn't know only half of one percent of arranged marriages similarly crash and burn. Arranged
marriages are not really arranged, it's only the dating that arranged. Family is about learning to
get along with people not of our own choosing. As a country, we tend to refuse such choices. I
recognize a herd of like animals is missing in my house. Zebras (as my youngest son reminded
me) survive by fitting in (with stripes that get them killed alone). Zebras now hang over my bed.
There are many icons in our art, language, and culture. Mirrors can stand for truth or vanity,
a bundle of branches for unity, bells for liberty, earth for creativity and maturity, eggs for rebirth,
flowers for virtue, hammers for masculinity, tree leaves for hope and growth (as in turning over a
new leaf), an umbrella for protection, and cards stand for a year (a card for each week) and for
acceptance (as in the hand that life deals you), and a lit candle for the endurance of faith. Many
may have asked what do you stand for but I am now asking what stands for you. I once read a
bunch of books on Vexillology (the scientific study of symbolism and the usage of flags) when I
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was a Boy Scout to help design my patrol's flag. Such symbolism used to be very important to
building and marketing one's identity. My Irish ancestors chose a bloody hand based on a story
where a family leader cut off his hand to win good real estate (a fifth of Ireland). It became such
a popular symbol of doing whatever it takes that others have copied it over the millennia since.
The similar field of study, Heraldry, is the study of arms and protocols. Heraldry is a term that
derives from the word herald, meaning an official messenger of community news. In the same
way, most people use an avatar with their Call of Duty video game accounts utilizing a stylized
face. Just like the face of mars or the moon, faces, like skulls, are ancient symbols for mortality
as an inspired statement about the hopes to overcome death as well as just our fears of death.
The American flag is a reminder that we are a nation of strong independent states (originally
numbering 13 but now 50). Our states are not as strong, say, as the states of Switzerland – but
they started off stronger. But, when that didn't work (to raise sufficient taxes to pay off loans for
the Revolutionary War) we destroyed the country (after fourteen presidents before Washington)
and built a new one - even countries can die and can start over. Symbols, such as flags, should
be simply and easily reproduced. The original American flag used stars with six points but Betsy
Rose showed Washington how a five pointed star could be created with but one snip of a pair of
scissors. Flags should additionally be easily recognizable over great distances while fluttering in
the wind. The use of bold colors and simple images attests to such practical issues. Libya's is
currently the only nation using a flag consisting of one simple color, green, which represents the
founder's political philosophy (after his revolutionary Green Book). Libya's old flag is now used
as a symbol of the revolution and its intended rebirth (a new revolution using an old flag as
opposed to the existing revolution using a new flag). And so, what would your flag look like?
God, the ideal of real truth, is represented by the first and last letters of the Hebrew alphabet.
The first and last letters in English are of course A and Z, which happens to represent the state
in which I live, Arizona. A few years ago, Arizona's economy marked a significant milestone
when the number of employees in the state's 21 Indian casinos exceeded those employed by
mines. But, this is a state for rebirths. The capital was originally named Pumpkinville (yikes!) by
felonious Confederate land hustlers after their first crop where the name Phoenix only came
about during a drunken speech by a self-styled English nobleman referencing how the town had
been made possible by rebuilding old Pueblo canals. The Gawker voted Arizona (2011) the
worst state in the country (after teachers voted our schools the worst in the nation). But, Arizona
is the only state where mail is still delivered by mule (from the base of the Grand Canyon, the
only one of the Seven Wonders of the World in the US) and oldest rodeo but also the largest
Nuclear Plant, has the least rainfall but most boats per capita in the country, more sunlight (and
skin cancer) with the hottest temperatures but more cryogenics labs freezing dead people
(including Ted Williams), and where an un-degreed assistant discovered Pluto. My first reaction
to living in Tucson was "What a burnt out third world country!" The first positive thought I recall
(after it's nice to be warm at Christmas) was seeing the first double rainbow in my life (and I saw
a half dozen my first year here). This is the first picture that Arizona brings to mind. So, the best
magic gift (or, the flag that best represents myself and my beliefs), before zebras, is a rainbow.
"And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down.
Without the rain, there would be no rainbow."
Gilbert K. Chesterton
The rainbow has been such a favorite component of mythology throughout history that it would
be difficult to find a story that didn't have a rainbow (whether as a bridge, message, or serpent).
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In Christian symbolism, rainbows have seven colors as a reminder how the number seven plays
a prominent role in John's Revelation. The famous 16th-century reformer John Calvin wrote a
commentary on every book of the Bible except Revelation because he found its meaning too
difficult to uncover. Similarly, Martin Luther said his "spirit cannot accommodate itself to this
book." Thus, anyone who claims to understand Revelation (as I am about to) should provide the
warning that such interpretation comes with the self-absorbed implication of one being a greater
biblical scholar than Calvin and Luther. John begins Revelation discussing the seven churches
of Asia (there were more, so the seven were simply especially symbolic). Other sevens of John
include the many manifestations of the Holy Spirit in verses 1:4-5, 3:1, 4:5, 5:6 (of Lord, wisdom,
understanding, counsel, might, knowledge, and fear and worship - as per Isaiah 11:2). I believe
the seven churches correspond to the seven ages of a slow apostasic loss of faith until the end
times: Ephesus for first century Christians, Smyrna for the persecution of the second and third
centuries, Pergamos for when the church joined with Rome, Thyatira for the authority of Roman
Catholicism, Sardis for the Reformation, Laodicea for the lukewarm apostate church at the very
end, and Philadelphia for the missionary church of the last days. It's also describes the walk of
any prophetic priest through increasing public distain until a revival. God made us all priests.
The Church of Philadelphia is the only one not criticized and is praised for staying true to their
beliefs despite a progressively hostile environment. Revelation includes a harsh condemnation
("I will vomit you out of my mouth") for the cool church of Laodicea (etymologically meaning "the
rights of the people," suggesting a future era of democracy where the world is dominated not by
its rational truths but by its people's desires) for being greedy, spoiled, and deplorably indifferent
to everything (even if they didn't recognize it). Our nation's founders wrote very strongly against
democracy (and why we are instead a representative republic). My favorite of the Bill of Rights
(written as many states refused to sign the Constitution without such representation of why they
went to war) is the Ninth Amendment, which talks about the presumption of liberty or that the
rights of conscience cannot be left to the mercy of personal or public opinion. And, that is what
the rainbow symbolizes for me – my core value as the best seed for a possible personal rebirth.
I believe our lives become chaotic (as per the laws of thermodynamics) except for miracles. To
me, the rainbow symbolizes the rainbow of "bad" in our lives that in the end is for our good. The
Bible describes the rainbow as God's promise never to destroy the world with a flood. Christians
mistakenly believe this first occurred after Noah's flood, but it really came at the world's creation.
I believe life will never give me more than I can handle and that a rainbow comes after the rain.
This is the vision I discovered by completing a vision quest without ever leaving my own home.
Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday
night or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls or a pair of pants or a wig with
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curls or another chance. Everyone is just waiting. (Dr. Seuss, 1960)
The natural concern is that such efforts become just another distraction from actively choosing
to live, start over, and move on. Much of life is an attempt to forget and wait for sleep. Soldiers
wait to forget losing friends just as children (and fathers) wait to forget abandonment. Then, we
all wait to forget our shame. The intense sorrow is beyond words. Hell, it's even beyond actions.
So we wait. But, change will not come if we wait for another time or another person, not even a
God. We must stop waiting for something or someone. We must produce. Plus, the world is full
of things and people patiently waiting for anyone to think of something to produce with them.
After my mother's funeral and my brother and I had just dropped my daughter off at the airport,
driving back home, my brother explained to me that he had come to the conclusion it wasn't our

mom's fault he was rude to people, it was all my fault. As we were approaching a light on US
Route 1, I asked him if he was trying to start a fight. When the car came to a stop, he jumped
out and ran around to my side. As the road was empty except for my car, I got out as well. Only,
as he approached, I found I was simply unable to build up the anger necessary to fight him. As
he started to punch me, I realized I wasn't going to do anything and I even provided him some
encouraging words. This naturally angered him and putting his 30 additional pounds to best
work, his punching moved from my body to my face. This sounds horrible but he wasn't even
able to bruise me (as my third wife often did with her punches). He was elated and stated he
had proved unlike the movies that it was impossible to knock someone unconscious. I thought I
had done the right thing. I now realize I only confirmed his right to have set out on the power
play to steal money from me. I probably should have punched him back or at least simply asked
him when he stopped punching whether it was then my turn to try to knock him unconscious.
Dr. Rivera writes about the psychodynamics of mobbing, "Emotional dependence explains why
the victim does not break off the relationship in cases of abuse within a couple, being able to
endure anything in order to maintain bonds that are, in reality, chains of slavery." Drs. Schwartz,
Schwartz, and Epstein write concerning the manipulation of attachment needs, "The defining
characteristics of the victim include a primary focus on his own authenticity, a certain incapacity
for perceiving and managing envy from others, and the need to be loved and appreciated. Albeit
those qualities may be endearing for sane people, all of them are despicable for the abuser:
authenticity is perceived as disrespect for authority, lack of interest towards the group, and a
tendency to do his own thing; psychological innocence is perceived as an arrogant and insolent
attitude that has no respect for the intentions and status of others; emotional dependence is
perceived as a weakness to be exploited as a first point of attack. In his attempts to understand
and clear up the situation he commits all the mistakes necessary to make it even worse, and, as
a result, develops a psychological reaction of stress with symptoms of anxiety, psychosomatic
illness, and depression." Dr. Hassan descriptions of cult abuse in Freedom of Mind have a lot in
common with the home of a self-absorbed mother, such as demanding, dependency, deception,
reasons to sleep with children (as in a family bed), belittling of father's importance, encouraging
children to not respond to contact from their father, financial ties (like rent from adult children),
and failing to notify father of children's location all for the purpose of psychological blackmail. In
both situations, fathers like me often say, "I don't recognize my own bright, warm, loving son."
"Truth is stronger than lies and love is stronger than fear!" Dr. Steven Hassan
If this was true, though, how can people appear to make only the worst possible decisions?
People are naturally unable to recognize situational influences. The concept of irresistible actor-observer
bias was first described by Dr. Lee Ross, who argued it to be the foundation for the
field of social psychology. Influences for why people work this way include thinking "what goes
around comes around" (I can't understand how anyone could think life was fair or be so cruel to
victims of tragedies and accidents), entity blinders (only seeing life from individual perspectives
rather than a complex systems worldview and individuals from collectivistic Asian cultures are
less likely to fall victim to such limited thinking than Westerns), and simply being lazy suggesting
the need for group accountability to an honest critical approach in order not to fall victim to this.
In other words, it is important to always remember that life is not fair, to look for environmental
cues, and to actively work to build relational systems of accountability (and not just denigration).
I say that when used as a verb, love is always a lie. Unreciprocated love is only an infatuation.
We can't truly love a rock, a pet, or a sociopath. Real love is a relational adjective... something
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that describes a relationship intimacy executed between and by two or more people. Real love
is a systems view of people as real relationships are not about entity concepts like personality
(or shouldn't be). It is something multiple people create; not something you can do yourself.
Real love doesn't fade. If you've experienced fading love either in yourself or others, it wasn't
love. And, if they never really loved you, you never really loved them. You were only infatuated.
It is only true love that can overcome lies and fear – or build a real family (or "healthy" cult).
Unhealthy cults work to micromanage people's time (especially their thinking time) and physical
environment. For example, Henry Ford would inspect employee homes Sunday mornings to
ensure every home was the same and that they didn't attend a church. Such efforts create a
sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency (just look at what "news" makes it into the daily
newspaper – just reinforcements for cult-ural biases), providing a system of sticks and carrots
(aka Taylorism) to suppress old behaviors and elicit new ones, create a closed system of logic
wherein dissenters feel there may be something wrong with them, and keep recruits unaware
and uninformed that there is an agenda to control or change them. Dr. Kurt Lewin's Change
Theory is based on efforts to unfreeze, change, and refreeze habits. This works for either good
or bad families and communities (for either more or less independent thinking). Dr. Yeakly found
in "bad" cults, people's personalities naturally morph to become clones of the prevailing Lizard.
Using hate and persistence, they can wear you down and end you. But, if you know the right
techniques, you can overcome any attack and remain healthy and upbeat. It is exceptionally
important to be aware when you are being attacked. Passively accepting the attack and / or
ignoring the attack will not resolve anything. I have often pretended life was just a nightmare or
that I was just imagining it all. It's up to us to cultivate the empathy, discernment, and wisdom to
know when shit's actually happening. A useful trick is to visualize a sphere around yourself that
will protect you no matter what, allowing you to focus on things that are positive. No matter how
difficult life gets, there's always something positive to make you laugh, cheer, or feel good. Your
enemy will try to summon scary images to get you to surrender, working to convince you to see
yourself as the bully and them as the victim. And, they'll use fear to get you to feel vulnerable. At
this point, you need to banish them from your personal space. The destructive Samurai imagery
was for dealing with the monster within; this dome is for external monsters. Like a leech drinking
a larger animal's blood for nutrition, Lizards and Zombies need to eat your heart or brain. You
can't really blame them as that would be like blaming the shark for eating a swimmer, who went
swimming at night, with a cut on his toe. But, they only win if you give up, so don't ever give up.
Pretty scary stuff except that their plan to shut down your brain or heart rests on a single
premise: that you don't fight back. (How to Fight Monsters and Win by Jack London)
Unfortunately, the only way to turn a Zombie from obeying his or her Lizard is with a team effort
(your own cult). I say unfortunately as there are few awakened-Zombies to elicit into such an
effort. You need others with special experience with problems similar to yours. Today, social
sharing over Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, LinkedIn, and Google+ are used for lighter fair. You
can start to save yourself with isolation; a hermit's life. This may have motivated my parents'
gradual social suicide (in order to stay sane), as well as my own. The goal of any good cult is to
rescue people's authentic self from the groupthink identity forced upon them or people's self
imposed hermit-dom. Every Zombie has an authentic self that is sadly daily being suppressed,
but the underlying true self still lives. The power of this genuine self allows one to be "saved"
from such Zombie thinking even after decades of programming. Cognitive Theory says if you
can change a person's behavior, their thoughts will follow (to minimize dissonance). It does take
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some sort of relationship or connection, though, to start the flow of new information. If a person
has been forced to "remember" the abuse of some family member, they might not be the best
source of a correcting sanity. The hermit is a leader, an independent thinker; but, one that is so
isolated he or she is no threat to the insanity left behind. There's no revolution without followers.
We always think of leaders in White Knight Lizard terms. The truth is revolutionaries are often
crazy hermits. The mythical hermit is someone who has withdrawn (to become comfortable with
himself) and then returned to share his knowledge as a rabble-rouser. He simply requires the
courage to stand alone and look ridiculous. He must also provide, though, a simplified executive
summary of his message. Such people usually never return to any significant prominence as
their unorthodox lessons require a great first follower – someone to provide the third person
narrative for legitimizing the new idea. The follower must be able to creatively retell the original
message. The returning hermit must embrace the first follower and see him as an equal. It's not
just about him, it's now them. This first follower provides invitations to his friends to join. The first
follower is an underappreciated transformer of lone nuts into recognizable leaders. The next are
the fire and public face of the message – proof of the good idea. Next, the marginalized masses
emulate the first followers following and not actually the leader. This is the tipping point. Hermits
are just lonely nut cases, without that first follower, hopelessly struggling to be heard. And so,
the returning hermit slowly moves from individual to individual, seeking that one person who
gets him. Sadly, most returning hermits (originals) are only successful years after they die. In
fact, if you want to start a movement, it would be easier to be the first follower and find someone
to repackage rather than work to be the original author (who will end up getting all the credit).
This doesn't have to be a national movement; the message could be for a family movement.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Perhaps, the role of courageous rabble-rouser and first follower could be a criss-cross deal just
like in many murder movies with each person being the first follower for the other's leadership.
The first step in helping your new partner's lost family member should be small mini-interactions
consisting of phone calls, letters, email, and brief face to face visits to suggest reconciliation and
that their estrangement may not be their own choice. But first, your new friend and you need
deprogramming of your own. That may not be what you wanted to hear. Yes, you will need to
isolate yourself from past toxic words and behind barriers which you can retreat (be the hermit).
Freudian theory (including therapies based on ids and egos) is indeed out of date, and that
should be no surprise as Freud died in 1939. Moreover, little of his theories were based on
actual quantitative and predictive experimental research. Much like today's global warming
theories, patterns were forced onto available clinical data. Good for a hunch but not science.
But, Freud did have it right that one needs to be helped before one can similarly help another.
"Whoever loves his life will lose it" (John 12:25); "whoever loses his life, will find it" (Matt 10:39).
Who is best to help you with such therapy? You could use a person with a similar situation but
without the personal investment (which sometimes results in poor judgment) as well as sufficient
academic understanding to provide not just the needed emotional but also intellectual support.
After the initial follower / therapist, a large diverse group is necessary to build a successful anti-cult
cult to restore independency; first to yourself and then to the lost acquaintance. This type
of bootstrapping rehabilitation counseling focuses on helping individuals with disabilities, but
(not to diminish anyone) life is a universal disability all by itself – we all need such assistance. A
half century ago, American teachers were great thought reform counselors and change agents.
Today, our schools are sadly little more than yet another cult sucking our brains and hearts dry.
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Unfortunately, there are no school programs or degrees designed to create such professionals.
This provides ever greater opportunities for sappy advice to be mistaken as academic as well as
those who suffer from psychological problems, especially narcissism, to confuse and influence.
"Upon the first, and in one sense this role, rule of reason, that in order to learn you must
desire to learn, and in so desiring not to be satisfied with what you already incline to
think, there follows one corollary which itself deserves to be written upon every wall of
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the city of philosophy: Do not block the way of inquiry." - Charles Peirce
How do we research and discover the hidden person? The answers we get to inquiries are only
about the visible but fake Zombie, they're of no real help. One idea is to tell members of your
deprogramming cult stories where you've worked out the positive messages those experiences
taught you. You can also acquaint them with stories about your ideal siblings, parents, friends,
or employers. Then, work together, to become models of those ideals. Look out for infiltrating
Lizards. Rather than look at their answers, check their response like a poker player. Did you get
a hug, tears, anger, or silence? Statements to the estranged should be like, "This is your life –
we just want to make sure that you are the one choosing." It is all too easy to assume, as with
all problems, that only "they" have it. Most of us have been (and are) Zombies. I have primarily
written about them (and it's a bit about you), but it was mostly for me. All of us are susceptible to
stray influences and decision making skills takes serious effort. Perhaps, we can talk about what
you believe? How is your life better now? Try to make an effort to identify group issues about
individual concerns. What specific behavior is most bothersome? Focus on health, like sleep, as
well as changed priorities and appearance. How might talking be simplified and smartened?
Research published in the American Journal of Psychiatry in 1967 followed 301 people who had
been arrested for "public drunkenness" in San Diego and were randomly assigned to 3 groups:
no treatment, referral to professional counseling, or Alcoholics Anonymous. The group with the
greatest continued drinking and the most re-arrests were the individuals sentenced to AA while
the most successful at staying out of jail were those in the control group receiving no treatment
at all. We all need our problems externalized and depersonalized into a third-person storyline in
order to prevent us from becoming wholly alienated from our values, hopes, and commitments.
The greater articulation possible from an externalizing idiom with an empathetic audience ought
to lead into a step-by-step action plan for unfreezing inaccurate thinking and a slow refreezing of
a far healthier and measurable worldview. Alas, it seems our existing social environment is likely
healthier and more productive than any currently available professional artificial alternative. No
matter how sincere skilled professionals may seem, seek instead the messy, chaotic, and real.
After discovering my second wife was having an affair (and likely not her first) after experiencing
my first wife's affair with a high school junior, I went to a therapist to cry. At the end, I thanked
him and explained I just needed to cry, didn't need therapy, but didn't want to be a burden for
my friends. When I mentioned it to my best friend, he thanked me for not crying on his shoulder.
Instead of finding a therapist that knew how to be a friend, how much better would have been a
friend that knew how to be a life coach. Not only should we all take (and retake until we get an A
grade) a statistics class to understand what better looks like; we should also take a counseling
class to understand the basics of the process of how to help others find (and understand) better.
For over four centuries, what is today called Murphy's Law was known as Sod's Law. It stated if
anything can be done wrong that some sod (or, therapist) will do it wrong. Alas, Sod's Law (or
Murphy's) has become its own worst victim in a post-modern age where we instead get to blame
bad luck rather than clearly incompetent efforts (our perception of the new Murphy's Law in fact

came out of a religion created for a Larry Niven science fiction story). A professional (like family)
simply has too much of their self-esteem and ego tied up in any solution to accept being part of
the Zombie-Lizard problem. The next best thing to hermit-ing for dealing with not being yourself
may be finding a stranger who has also suddenly found themselves in a similar re-awakening.
Perhaps, what the world needs is an online deprogramming or exit counseling dating service.
Drs. Wilkinson and Picket establish in The Spirit Level that one factor most determines society's
health – and, it's not resources, diet, government style, or national wealth. America, the richest
country on earth, has shorter life spans, more mental illness, more obesity, and more of its
citizens in prison than any rich nation. Real prosperity is due to reducing income disparity and
what Dr. Greenspan calls a "very disturbing trend" of our declining education equality. America
has a more distinct wealth caste system (highest in Arizona) than any other country or time. The
very best way to feel the stress of a caste system is to find work for the privileged and end up
surrounded by people with significantly more. This is also the best way to become a Zombie. In
more equal societies, people are much more likely to trust each other (Drs. Eric Uslaner and
Mitchell Brown, 2002), demonstrate greater tolerance (Drs. Andersen and Fetner, 2008), exhibit
better health (Drs. Richard G. Wilkinson, J. Lynch, and G.A. Kaplan), with measures of greater
social capital suggesting greater community involvement (Drs. Putnam, Leonardi, and Nanetti
1993, Putnam 2000), and homicide rates are consistently lower (Drs. Daly et al., 2001). Not just
the poor are necessarily worse off but such economic disparity leads to worsened conditions for
the entire population. A slave owner naturally lives with a constant fear of losing his or her life
due to retributions just as wealthy Americans get worse health care in a stratified health system.
There must be something wrong with anyone who would criticize, for example, Martin Luther
King, Jr or Gandhi; right? The top experts might say therapists and K-12 school teachers are
the most inept and corrupt people in our society but most people become angered when I state
such facts. I clearly must have issues (grin). At best, I am someone to be ignored and pitied. We
surely could never admit our love affair with malice; it's too unsettling to imply we prefer evil to
truth. There is a long history around killing the messengers of bad news. It is much better to say
nothing, do nothing, and be nothing. The stuck out nail only gets hit; or just maybe, gets better.
And, evil's popularity is at an all time high. No wonder. Thinking has never been more difficult in
a post-modern world where nothing seems to makes sense. Regan's Star Wars defense plan
was scrapped partly because it was believed the requisite 10 million lines of code was humanly
impossible to manage. But, even a decade ago, Windows and Office XP consisted of 85 million
lines of code. Our cars typically have ten to twenty computers. Even our TVs and appliances
and phones are all "smart." There no one in our society who can fix them because they're just
too complicated. Our jobs are likely about only a small part of something no one in the building
really understands. We feel increasingly overwhelmed by the infinity of everyday choices. And,
here come our psychopaths who tell us not to worry, they have everything in control. They tell
us that we're special and beautiful. Heck, even sport teams become special by being "ours." We
know today how to end all hunger, violence, and ignorance. The only reason we don't is it would
require giving up the lies on which we've based our lives. To avoid that even death is preferable.
And, honesty, all by itself, is a thing we'll do anything not to face. Try talking about suicide and
people will call the police to make you stop. Discuss how most of the most likely way a soldier
will die is suicide or about the incompetence of teachers and therapists and people walk away.
You certainly won't get published. You won't be popular. And, isn't that what matters most, being
popular? For a century, we are all but descendents of the "Silent" generation. We all know to
keep our mouths (and minds) shut. We certainly don't want to know what our mothers are really
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like. Facing such truths would only make evident what we ourselves are all like. It's OK to face
such "truths" about others. Every church I've been to teaches the doctrine of Apostasy (that
Christians would increasingly become distant from Christ's teaching) but the problem was only
shown to be in other churches. Both family and friends have recently told me to expect to die
alone, as if it was the most horrible fate. Drs. Martin and Kamins suggest in fact threats of social
exclusion ("you will die alone") are far greater motivators to behavioral changes than rational
health arguments. This is why discussions over what is "cool" are more likely to affect smoking
patterns than just pointing out that smoking will kill you (which provide just the opposite affect).
Anthropologist Dr. Earnest Becker suggests in The Denial of Death (1973) that most all human
action is taken to help ignore or avoid the reality of our mortality. Modern Terror Management
Theory (TMT) is based on the psychological conflict between our efforts to live and knowing full
well that such efforts must eventually fail. Such terror, knowable only by humans, says Becker,
is the basis for dragon and white knight myths. "We admire most the courage to face death; we
give valor our highest and most constant adoration; it moves us deeply in our hearts because
we have doubts about how brave we ourselves would be. Man has elevated animal courage into
a cult." Dr. Becker sees Freudian sexuality and self-esteem as but symptoms of such organic
narcissism. Cooper et al. (2011) as well as Goldenberg and Arndt (2008) see efforts to think
about death (especially one's own mortality) as the most essential path to self-empowerment
and the improved articulation of one's identity. Drs. Vail et al. show in When Death is Good for
Life (2012) forcing people to consider their mortality motivates them to better health, attitudes,
relationships, as well as charitable and open minded communities. For instance, discussions
are noticeably more meaningful and impactful when they held in a cemetery. "Human stories are
practically always about one thing, really, aren't they? The inevitability of death." J.R.R. Tolkien
"Student: I don't feel like living anymore. Teacher: If you don't feel like doing something
then don't do. This means that in finding many ways how not to live your life, you have
the possibility to discover how to live your life." – Santosh Kalwar, Quote Me Everyday
If you were dead, you wouldn't be responsible, hear criticism, or labor. So, don't be responsible,
respond to criticism, or do work (out of any fear or quilt). The North American Nursing Diagnosis
Association characterizes Spiritual Distress (1987) as "evidenced when an individual expresses
concern with the meaning of life/death; manifests anger towards a Higher Being/God; verbalizes
internal conflicts; questions meaning of one's existence; seeks spiritual assistance; questions
ethical implications of circumstances; and uses gallows humor." When can distress be good and
self-esteem bad? Studies of academic proficiency show a strong correlation between high self-esteem
and low test scores. A study in 1986 showed Americans have the highest self-esteem
and lowest skills in reading, writing, and math while Koreans have the lowest self-esteem and
highest skills. Two studies in 2003 additionally showed a high correlation between self-esteem
and criminal behavior. One of which also found self-esteem positively linked with drunk driving
and racist attitudes. Roy Baumeister and Martin Seligman say high self-worth is often a marker
for negative behavior, as diagnosed in sociopaths and drug kingpins. Yet, teachers and parents
commonly say that a child should never be told when they are wrong or how to behave. Doing
so has even become synonymous with child abuse (custody courts frequently regard being the
homework parent in such a light). Self-esteem increases the negative effects of mortality fears.
Not only are people with high self-esteem more likely to start smoking after hearing such habits
could kill them, those already smoking with high self esteem actually feel better about smoking
when the mortality connection is made salient. Drs. Like Jessop et al. (2008) found even when
death is eminent, people engaged in efforts to improve their self-esteem more likely to work for
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their self-destruction. With death in America being mostly caused by self-destructive behaviors,
we must learn to be comfortable with the discomfort of things not making sense (not overcome
problems but leverage them) instead of finding happiness by ignoring long-term consequences.
Dr. Becker additionally writes in The Denial of Death, "Psychiatrist Rheingold says categorically
that annihilation anxiety is not part of the child's experience but is engendered in him by bad
experiences with a depriving mother. This theory puts the whole burden of anxiety onto the
child's nurture and not his nature. This view is very popular today in the widespread movement
toward unrepressed living. The fear of death is always present in our mental functioning. The
result is that the child lives with an inner sense of chaos that other animals are immune to. Even
when the child makes out real cause-and-effect relationships they become a burden to him
because he over generalizes them. [It explains] why children have their recurring nightmares,
their universal phobias of insects and mean dogs. It is too much for any animal to take, but the
child has to take it, and so he wakes up screaming with almost punctual regularity. Repression
is not simply a negative force opposing life energies; it lives on life energies and uses them." My
youngest son has often experience night terrors in which he screams and begs for his mother to
stop, although he has never been able to remember such dreams. A girlfriend once was in my
home as I put my sleepwalking son back to bed. She was overwhelmed with tears from such
extreme behavior, tears I could no longer produce as it had become a regular nighttime routine.
I now often wake up sweating in great fear but wholly unable to remember what scared me so.
Drs. Rosenblatt, Greenberg, Solomon, Pyszczynski, and Lyon studied the effect of answering
questions about death on municipal court judges on setting bond levels for women charged with
prostitution at the UA in Tucson, Arizona (1989). They found asking judges to consider their own
death caused them to set bonds eight times higher. A second study, moreover, showed such
changes only occurred in judges who held strong negative views of prostitution. Viewing any
behavior as undefendable or inhuman turns out to be the single greatest cause of undefendably
inhuman behavior. Then again, I find viewing prostitution as a "victimless crime" as inhuman
after witnessing how everyone (even my father) ignores a prostitute beaten when I was but five.
It's the condition not the act of prostitution that is undefendable. If we ended suicidal death with
law and ended aging with science, might such fears diminish? Terror Management Theorists
believe the fear of accidental death would only be the same motivator. Imagine then the effect of
the repeated warnings my son's mother gave him that his father would eventually harm if not kill
him. We were playing tag in the park when he was very young and I pretended to be a sluggish
monster. Boy, was that a mistake! He had a complete mental breakdown believing his mother's
predictions were coming true. Even sadder, everyone ignored him as he ran from adult to adult
begging for protection from certain death. You're not human if this story doesn't make you cry.
One problem is that if you're not rich, powerful, or thin (death avoidance ideals), our modern
culture provides few means of developing positive self-worth (not esteem). Happiness is now
defined and made possible only by accepting great denial. Psychotherapist Dr. Brad Blanton
suggests in Radical Honesty that such daily lying is the major source of all human stress and
can actually kill you. He says no one is more caught in this trap than the American adolescent.
We provide children few paths to moral self-discovery. We might identify with being religious or
political or athletic but we identify little with the ethical origins of religion, politics, and games. As
a fundamental Bible Thumper, modern Christianity seems to me to serve as but a pagan religion
intended to suppress individuality. All religions (which are but expressions of culture) are cults,
but there are such things as "good" cults and as "bad" cults. While bad cults work to suppress
uniqueness with threats of dying alone, good cults embrace uniqueness with attacks against
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bad cult's physical, religious, or political "rightness." Christ spoke constantly against religious
rightness but such a message is rarely included in modern churches. Blanton says his career
has been mostly about reviving patients deadened by always feeling the need to be on guard.
Blanton writes half of Americans "kill themselves compensating for the starvation of being cut off
from the nourishment of commonplace experience. They smoke, drink, take drugs, eat fat meat,
watch TV, and don't exercise. They kill themselves with the same socially acceptable poisons all
their friends use. They know a renewed love of life has something to do with escaping their own
minds, but they just can't seem to do so. Moralism, a disease of living in the mind without relief,
kills them. They die, trapped in some country song, doing the best they can but never doing well
enough to suit anybody, particularly themselves. The freedom achieved by who grow beyond
the limitations of their childhood conditioning is freedom from their own minds. The alternative to
freedom is a gradual suffocation, which makes us simultaneously more dead and desperate.
Creativity, using the mind rather than being used by the mind, is the cure for all disorders. [This]
creates the possibility of using your mind to make a future as an artist rather than as a victim."
"Without doubt, certainty is what drives one insane. We are all afraid of truth."
(Nietzsche in Ecce Homo, 1888, his last original book before going insane)
The American ideals of being special, of heroism, or of trying to write the next great novel are all
but desperate efforts to not think about the inevitable. All products have life cycles that include a
beginning, middle, and end. So do, however, institutions, cultures, and individual lives. If we are
not financially, educationally, or socially successful, whose fault is it? Who must take 100% of
the blame for failure in this country? We must each shoulder, of course, all the blame ourselves.
To suggest anything else is belittled, ridiculed, and shouted down more than any other concept.
If you can't control others with money, knowledge, or friends, we're told we just don't really exist.
Is it any surprise that those who swallow such ideals (us Americans) are so universally unhappy
despite all the wealth and power that any wish could ever claim? While such soulless thinking
fuels our great capitalistic society (and let me be the first to claim great affection for my toys), at
what individual cost, at what cost forced from our children, does such a shallow life demand?
After drawing such a picture of America, does not our paying more for therapists to call us "sick"
seem more natural, does not the "logic" of our prescription and illegal drug demand seem more
logical, does not the complete apathy about discovering how to end all hunger, violence, and
ignorance seem but expected and even spiritually forceful and reasonable? As all our symbolic
barriers against death fail, we naturally become more desperate to defend them, but we only
magnify such symbols into things of even greater (but false) significance. The Silent Generation,
the Baby Boomers, and Gen X, Y, and Z (or Millenniums) have each had to experience their
own symbolic death. Who is the greatest drummer becomes an issue worth fighting over. Our
jobs, our families, and our day to day lives all seem to come up short to the standard set by our
culture. Seeing our relationships as dysfunctional and unsatisfying is today the expected norm.
But, that every system is perfectly designed to produce the results being generated is the most
fundamental aspect of modern system theory. We have only everything that we've asked for. Dr.
Becker believed a person's character is essentially formed around the process of denying his or
her own mortality, this denial is necessary for the person to function in the world, and that this
character-armor prevents genuine self-knowledge; suggesting self-knowledge is possible only
by first giving up one's need for character and that horror is the counterintuitive path to joy. The
red pill is a hard pill to swallow. Anyone whose managed it will have moments of great regret.
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Increasing people's death-awareness makes them more aggressive, more prone to prejudice,
and more fond of arbitrary authority. But, it can also cause people to be more inclusive, helpful,
and peaceful (the positive aspects of Zombie thinking). Perhaps, this is why siblings are more
likely to get along after retirement. Paradoxically, facing our worst fears can sweeten our sad
and lonely existence. Becker suggests the only way to do this is to give up one's life to ideals
greater than our physical selves, call it God, or love, or simply objective truth. Whatever it takes
to never be satisfied, to never believe you know or have anything real, that life be the journey.
If anyone thinks he knows anything, he does not yet know it as he ought to know it.
1 Corinthians 8:2
In-group favoritisms and out-of-group hostilities (or indifferences) are but symptoms of mortality
fears, in any culture. Knowing people can discriminate along any dimension, it is discouraging to
learn the human mind automatically categorizes others by race (as well as by gender and age)
despite the reality is there are far greater genetic differences between two members of any local
community than between the average of any two very diverse populations. Can we change how
our minds work? Dr. Kurzban showed we can overcome developed biases but only by means of
a greater group identity bias. Alas, we can only see the world in terms of us and them and are
comfortable with changing memories and conclusions to fit such prejudice. There's no possible
logic or evidence that can shake us from fundamental group allegiances except using stronger
and more important allegiances (life is all about favoritism). When I once asked my father if he
thought my mother might have gone too far, had stepped just a bit over the line, in writing a long
letter telling my second wife and I that we clearly didn't love each other, my mother later told me
after hanging up he had laughed and said how funny he found the idea that his fool son wanted
him to say anything negative about his wife ; as if that was possible. We don't ever cross our
most fundamental community identity. If someone outside the family had asked him something
similar, he would have reacted the same way about me. While this is the basis for all "crazy
talk," it hurts that with the death of my parents there's no one left who feels this way about me.
Family is less likely to be seen today as a core group identity. As I said before, this may be to
allow new and larger core identities to be formed. Yet, I might argue today's failures to provide
strength to such new families or gangs is due to being based on casual interests or unhealthy
death avoidance ideals rather than a strong inspiring vision. Strong families of the past typically
had strong monarchs (eldest sons). This is not an option when men are seen as superfluous.
Before we build networks based on great ethical ideals, of course, we need to develop some.
While many believe relationships work best when parties have similar interests or beliefs, the
reality is that neither really matters. What bind people with real respect are similar values and
similar mechanisms for developing individual beliefs and interests. Alas, we aren't taught how to
think (critical thinking) for ourselves and end up believing whatever figures of authority tell us.
Drs. Carver and Scheier have shown when we are happier, we are more likely to reduce task
efforts and just coast. If you reward children (or employees) for doing their work, they will often
respond by getting it done, but only that once. The use of bribes (or carrots) has long been
shown to be less effective at motivating people than by supporting their sense of autonomy.
Such an effort starts with explaining why a task is important and then is followed with as much
personal freedom as possible in carrying out the task. This will stimulate far greater attention
and commitment. Instead of asking how we can motivate people, we should be asking how can
we create conditions within which people will motivate themselves. For example, I can teach
mastery of fractions to any person, explain the power and purpose of such mastery, and then
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the natural desire for autonomy (anti-Zombie thinking) will take over in making anyone good at
math. The only thing special about any mathematician is a superior third grade teacher who
understands fractions, can share the excitement of such knowledge, and control the room. Later
in life, it further requires overcoming the ingrained belief math somehow doesn't "like" you,
which is best accomplished by convincing youself that others will reject you without "cool" math.
Thus, if you want to learn fractions, you need to hook up with people who think it's important to
learn fractions. They will support and encourage the desire to learn fractions but also challenge
any natural resistance due to fear. The problem in America is that there's very few people who
still think learning fractions is important or cool; sadly not doctors, engineers, or even teachers.
Amazingly, very few teachers can do third grade fractions and most would say math just doesn't
"like" them. The question, the really, really big question, is not simply how our teachers convince
themselves of such foolishness but how do we as "loving" parents tolerate their incompetence.
Of course, fractions are but a metaphor for successful therapy models, opportunity parity, movie
theater front doors, as well as healthy communities. Where can others learn to help us become
better people when we persistently refuse to help others learn to expect more from themselves?
Every social expert has said we must become far more dissatisfied and less happy. Yet, when I
repeat such suggestions, everyone's natural defenses kick in and I am told I'm just too negative.
What should I do? In order to maintain my existing social connections, should I just accept our
tendency towards mediocrity? It's what we all do every day; are you proud of your complicacy?
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Is the glass half full or half empty?
Mindless wishing says it is half full, impractical pessimism says it is half empty, and while those
two are arguing, practicality takes the glass and drinks the rest, inventiveness claims the glass
is too big, underutilized, or overdesigned, or perhaps half is simply at off-site storage, idealism
says the glass has made a good start to overflowing, blaming wonders who drank the first half,
disordered asks how do we know there is anything in the glass at all, cleverness offers a useful
strategy at a reasonable daily rate, dissention asks if a better question isn't who is going to pay
for the next round, exhaustion says it can be whatever you want it to be if you could just provide
five minutes of peace and quiet, capitalism sees the glass as undervalued or believes market
forces should decide, realism says the assumptions are inaccurate as it is half filled with water
and half filled with air, syntax reminds while the terms half-full and half-empty are colloquially
acceptable, the glass can't technically be either since both full and empty are absolute states
and therefore are incapable of being modified in any way, crushed claims it's just another effort
to make students feel stupid, compulsivity wouldn't leave the glass sitting there long enough for
anyone to consider the question, but would scoop it up, wash it up, dry it to a gleaming shine,
and put it back in the glass cabinet in a jiffy not seeing either a half-full or half-empty glass... just
a full or an untidy one, the IT support rep asks if you've tried emptying the glass and then
refilling it, Eeyore says "Well, at least you have a glass," and Neo says "There is no glass;" No
matter, any response is complacent with our desires to avoid more valuable but difficult topics.
TMT says the basis for all distractions is failing to fully experience the natural fear of our own
mortality. They suggest happy (optimistic) and suicidal (pessimistic) thoughts are but covers for
our repressions of such fears. Or, happiness and depression are simply two possible results of
successfully lying to ourselves about what matters and both are but encouragements of self-destructive
behaviors. In other words, suicidal thoughts are not the result of depression but the
cause of them. Working to end depression, then, is only dealing with a symptom and not any
root issue. Suicidal thoughts (like blissful ones), as I before quoted Dr. Joiner, are caused by not

fully accepting our natural fear of death, which needs to be addressed for any real healing.
Repressing our mortality fear fear (or our disturbance disturbance) takes time and un-repressing
schooled thinking likewise takes time. This is not about embracing death and strength but our
fears and weakness. The idea that gaining control requires giving up control is nothing new.
Insecurity is synonymous with any desire for security, especially as a compulsion driven by fear.
This is a reasonable response (as all actions are reasonable) in a world dominated by Lizards.
Drs. Rogers and Erickson were great proponents of validating all decisions, often to the extreme
by failing to recognize any moral judgment as valid (as not all actions are just). While bad things
happen, they don't happen to the extent to which we expect. Few of our fears actually come to
pass. While many books will tell you this, few have any practical advice. The answer is only
found in individually defining the word spirituality. Culture as the advancement of art, education,
as well as moral principals is the personal responsibility of every member of society. Making the
living of life an inclusive personal art form is the only path to overcoming the irrational push-pull
existence of pushing people away while begging them to not give up on you common to the self-destructive
existence we all live. We don't want to die; we just don't want to live like we are;
like we have been. Thus, we must live differently. There's no real advice as we must choose.
Rather than being "good," work to be sincere; this necessitates some fairly absolute morals.
This doesn't mean right and wrong doesn't include a grey area of circumstances. But, it also is
so much more than simply asking, "How would you like it if someone did that to you?" Even TV
Lizard Dexter survives his sociopathy by developing (with his father's help) a moral code. Kant
argued to act morally one must act from duty and "out of respect for the moral law." He wrote in
Metaphysic of Morals (1785), "Nothing in the world, indeed nothing even beyond the world, can
possibly be conceived which could be called good without qualification except a good will." Such
a belief does not require one to believe that a physical, loving, truthful creator's commands are
the only source of living well but simply that one should always be a great source of tough but
honest encouragement. You can't do this for others until you know how to do this for yourself –
which used to be known as taking care of your inner child made famous by John Bradshaw
(who was way off base with his advice to re-experience traumatic events to help get over them).
What does improved inner child care (overcoming near complete repression and suppression of
our natural born intelligence) have to do with a more mature approach to our mortality fears? It's
all about learning the coping skills necessary to openly experience all discomforts to peel back
the many layers of defense. The advantage of "hitting bottom" is that there's no way but up. So,
you want to begin every day by hitting bottom but with the care you would normally reserve for a
child. A common way is a morning jog since I can't think of anything more boring and pointless.
Jogging hurts your joints with forces equal to five times your weight and Dr. Pedoe showed the
damage done to your skin is similar to smoking and sunlight. After such physical abuse, the rest
of the day will be all downhill. Also, add some emotional and spiritual abuse to your daily self-destructive
routine; an effective way to block out available stillness and social connections is by
wearing ear pods filled with loud screeching (say Garage Rock). No wait, starting the day with a
jog and some high energy music is common advice and we should know by now that common
advice is always wrong. So, what is the opposite of what the "experts" advise? What time are
you expected at work, 8am, 9am? Try showing up to work at 5am and getting a head start. In
theory, your day should be easier with a 3-hour head start. No? Perhaps, you're looking at your
day wrong as a 3-hour head start should make it much easier. And, you should get a great deal
of personal satisfaction from all that extra work accomplished. Don't do this every day. Some
days you should get up and work for a couple of hours on your house. A jog doesn't get any
useful work done and you could easily spend the same energy cleaning your house or learning,
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say, a new language; better yet, you could finally learn 3rd Grade math (fractions) and work
your way up to statistics (what management science has shown is required for quality efforts).
The only way to improve on such an early morning routine of work is to do it socially with others.
It's going to take some serious sales skills to encourage peers, friends, and family to join you.
105
Rule #1 in life: Be great at what you do: life is short.
Again, what does this have to do with inner child care? I told my 13-year old son if he started the
day with 3 glasses of beer he would start his day with a 20-point drop in his IQ, seriously reduce
his ability for sound judgment, and lose most all emotional empathy. People like saying they we
should all be allowed to do whatever we want as long as it doesn't hurt others "but no one is an
Island" (John Donne, 1624, who added "any man's death diminishes me therefore never [ask] to
know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee"). If such a boy walks into traffic without thinking, he
might be killed by a father who's so missing his own son he might never recover. In this way, I
told my son, all of our decisions not only affect ourselves but they affect everyone. Moreover,
most every 13-year child chooses to start his or her day (with the full knowledge of their parents)
with all the self-destructive power of 3 glasses of beer and more, being with the best known
antecedent for mental illness; with not enough sleep. This is 10 hours for a 13-year old and 8
hours for an adult. You just can't start your day with your nose to the grindstone without sleep.
"Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."
Benjamin Franklin in Poor Richard's Almanac, 1735
My son called me a f**king psychopath and hasn't talked to me since. Most fathers will give up; I
have too (see Men on Strike by Dr. Helen Smith). The common advice is to never give up. But,
there's a great risk. For me to never give up when there's no chance of change is just suicidal;
I've seen it. I helped start the Tucson Chapter of Arizona Fathers Demand Equal Justice and the
guy who was president spent every Tuesday night not being allowed to see his son until his son
got to watch his father die one Tuesday night from a heart attack – really from a broken heart. It
really is possible to die from a broken heart. When I read that Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus,
and Michelle Knight had escaped from their kidnapper, Ariel Castro, I was surprisingly detached
emotionally from the story. As I wondered to myself why I seemed to feel nothing about such a
horrific chronicle I read about how Amanda Berry, who was the hero of the story by being the
one to make the effort needed to escape, had to hear the one and only person who had never
given up on her being alive, her mother, had died in 2006 from a broken heart. And, I wept and
cried. The papers said that the three women would likely need years of intensive therapy and
rehabilitation to undo the damage left by the horrific abuse they suffered. The papers, however,
never say such things about the fathers who lose their children every day. It used to be no big
deal when a son was consumed by such anger. Today, such anger is permitted to consume the
rest of the child's life, as well as his father's. Today's children, tomorrow's parents, never get the
help they really need in order to help blame one group for all the world's ills, America's fathers.
To suggest to a father that he should remain in a system that will only hate and abuse him is to
tell him he is better off dead. It is better to repress such feelings in order to stay alive. The first
rule of life is that there is nothing you can do for others if you are dead so your first responsibility
to all the people you love (as well as to the entire world) is self-preservation for the hope that
someday your son will have the courage and strength like Amanda Berry to affect their escape.
It is better to not give up on yourself and get to bed by 9pm. Don't be swayed by any verbal
abuse (by others or yourself) about becoming socially dead. Remember popular people are

more likely to kill themselves – so, don't listen. Socially dead is better than physically dead;
right? And, eight hours of sleep is more important to health than even good nutrition and
exercise. Roughly half of adults and over two thirds of children (according to surveys done by
the National Sleep Foundation between 1999 and 2004) report having sleep deficiencies so as
to function as if drunk from an illegal level of alcohol intoxication most ALL of the time. Plus, it is
completely untrue that the need for sleep declines with age. Sleeplessness is known to initially
cause irritability, moodiness, and dis-inhibition and then slowed speech and flattened emotional
responses, lapses of attention, hallucinations, as well as seriously impairing memory, which also
hampers the ability to be novel or multitask (Dinges, Sleepiness and Performance, 1991). It has
been long shown that long-term poor sleep habits double the likelihood of drug, tobacco, and
alcohol abuse. The NCSDR estimates sleepy drivers cause 71,000 injuries, 1550 deaths, and
up to $100 billion a year in indirect costs. The advice Dr. Google provides from thousands of
sites involves keeping a regular sleep schedule, no alcohol or caffeine after 3pm, no smoking,
no over eating, and exercise (like the jog and Garage rock) before dinner (not in the morning).
Your inner child is waiting for you to be a better parent and provide the care he or she needs, to
be honest and stop pretending everything is all right, and to not shoulder this burden alone. In
rugby, a Scrum is a forceful attempt to get the ball started. So, who might help you get started?
"Be yourself, everyone else is already taken." Oscar Wilde
When have you felt the most fully alive and engaged? Chances are you were on some kind of
adventure, not fully in your comfort zone but being brave. Is it time for a road trip? Of course,
every day, no matter where you are, should be lived as some sort of a road trip. Avoid being
comfortable, avoid finding the color of your parachute (you learn the most when you run away
your special areas of expertise and skills), avoid any sort of perfectionism, and relish mistakes
and be consistently inconsistent and surprising. Don't worry if your plane figuratively is diverted.
Dorothy would have never left Kansas on her own – every change is but a call to an adventure.
It's time to leave behind OK, good enough, and simply adequate. It's time to be wholly amazing.
It has been said that it's called the "Great Commission" specifically because we are called to do
great things. It's time to be honest, wake up, take out the garbage, and being the quest for truth.
"People should lose their minds and come to their senses."
Fritz Perls
"Almost the whole world is asleep. Only a few people are awake and
they live in a state of constant total amazement." Joe vs. the Volcano, 1990
"According to Hugh Thomas, author of a History of The World, the greatest medical
advance in history has been garbage collection. The greatest psychological advance in
history is just around the corner and will also have to do with cleaning up. If we humans
are to be saved from ourselves, individually as well as collectively, we have to learn more
about the art and science of speaking the truth. None of us can do it without a lot of help
from each other. I want to hang out with people who want to find out what it would be like
to live in such a way as to leave no unspoken works, no unfinished business."
Brad Blanton
"Truth and the search for truth are no trivial matter; and if a person goes about searching
in too human a fashion, I'll bet he won't find anything!" Friedrich Nietzsche
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107
Let's Talk About: Violence Against Men
There are thousands of shelters in the U.S. for women and even thousands for our pets, but not
a single independent shelter just for men (and no federal funding). The Domestic Abuse Project
of Delaware Country, PA (where I grew up) was the first to campaign to assist victims of both
genders but that only meant they are one of the few to allow mothers with teenage boys to find
assistance as most still see 12-18 year old teenage boys as members of the "almost clinically
and psychologically dead" (as per Dr. Helen Caldicott) "foreign male element." Many states
claim to help men somehow but not a one can provide any data on the number served. England
built their first men's shelter in 2003 after 423 shelters (now 7,500) had been built for women
(forced to open in secret due to fear of violent protests). All public funding for men's shelters in
England (like most countries), however, have since been pulled as men are now told to go to
women's shelters (a 2008 House of Commons report claimed there was no need or desire for
male-only shelters with the issue only being distorted by a deep-seated contempt for women).
Battered men around the world are routinely told to go to homeless shelters (what, no possibility
of ingrained contempt for men?). A few countries like Holland, Serbia, and Switzerland have set
aside funds for battered men shelters but they are scarce and underfunded compared to homes
for battered women. Most men are still waiting for their country's first governmentally supported
refuge. We must identify the violence done by women against men, see it as a serious social
problem, and face the reality domestic violence is more likely mutual or female-initiated and so
our public service announcements and federal service funding urgently need to be de-gendered.
The 1975 National Family Violence Survey (Behind Closed Doors: Violence in the American
Family, Straus et al.) found men and women equally abusive. The myth of subjugated women
(Gelles, 1988; Kaufman, 1990; Straus, 1991) has but "crippled prevention and treatment efforts"
(Scott, 2006). In 2008, Drs. Douglas and Hines conducted the first-ever national survey of men
who sought help for heterosexual partner violence. It regrettably showed a large proportion of
men who seek help from American domestic violence agencies (49.9%) or hotlines (63.9%) are
specifically told, "We only help women." Many men seeking assistance from DV agencies
(40.2%) or DV hotlines (32.2%) end up accused of being the batterer, a third of male victims
who call the police end up arrested, and less than a third of those who consult with any mental
health professionals are offered details on how to get help from a DV program. The investigation
concluded the worst places for men to get help were "those that are the core of the DV service
system: DV agencies, DV hotlines, and the police. The qualitative accounts in our research tell a
story of male help seekers who are often doubted, ridiculed, and given false information."
According to Dr. B. H. Hoff's (2000, National Study CDC/DOJ) Report on the National Violence
Against Women Survey, there were over 830,000 male victims of domestic violence every year
in the United States. It found 21.6% of male victims were threatened with a knife as contrasted
to 12.7% of women. Dr. Hoff's updated study in 2012 determined more men than women are
victims of physical violence by their intimate partner and estimated that well over 5 million men
each year in America are today the unfortunate victims of physical violence from their intimate
partners. Appallingly, the ratio of male to female victims was never reported in either Executive
Summary or any other fact sheets as any study just mentioning violence against men will lose
all funding as expressly stated by the DOJ (even the section on the disproportionate number of
knife threats was omitted in 2012). The 2012 data showed 42.3% of victimized men (2,266,000)
are subjected to "severe physical violence." This means that over a $1 billion is spent to help
female victims each year but there are virtually no services available in this country for over two
million men who are the victims of severe physical domestic violence every year. Men were also

found to be more often the victims of both psychological aggression and control of reproductive
or sexual health. For one thing, over two million American men reported an intimate partner had
tried to get pregnant when they did not want to (there's so much money to be made from child
support that among college graduates a whopping 90% of all divorces are initiated by women).
This suggested disparity of violence against men is fairly consistent with a quarter century of
research on the topic. An investigation in 1992 into dating violence by Drs. Bookwala, Frieze,
Smith, and Ryan found women reported initiating violence with non-violent partners more often
than men (22% vs 17%). A study of verbal and physical abuse in 1998 on dating relationships
that was presented at a meeting of the American Psychological Association examined a survey
of college students and showed "women were significantly more physically aggressive than
men, particularly in the areas of pushing, slapping, and punching." A study in 2000 (published in
Psychological Bulletin) confirmed women are more likely than men to use physical aggression.
California State University surveyed a thousand college women and 30% admitted that they had
assaulted a male partner over the past year. The top reasons women gave are (believe or not):
(1) my partner wasn’t listening; (2) my partner wasn’t being sensitive; and (3) I wished to gain
my partner’s attention (Martin Fiebert, Ph.D., Denise Gonzalez, Ph.D). A 32-nation study found
women equally violent and controlling as men (http://pubpages.unh.edu/~mas2/ID41E2.pdf) and
that "the most frequent pattern was mutuality in violence, followed by female-only violence." In
2010, the CDC reported 5 million American men and boys have been "forced to penetrate," 80%
of the perpetrators are women, and raped boys are often forced to pay child support (USAToday
Sept. 3, 2014 http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2014/09/03/child-support-statutory-rape-justice-
law-men-column/15044791/) in a new world of male victim "responsibility." This gloomy
disparity begins early with Drs. Ackard and Neumark-Sztainer finding Minnesota High School
boys were significantly more likely than girls to report being the regrettable victim of a date rape.
According to research by the University of Hong Kong and UBS Optimus Foundation, the sexual
assault rates of boys there are sadly much higher than for girls (2.7% vs 1%). Secretary General
of KPAI Erlinda asserts "the majority of children who are victims of sexual violence are males."
The DOJ surveyed 17,700 boys in 2010 and 2013 in juvenile halls and group homes and found
9% had been sexually abused by staff and over 90% claimed their abuser was female. Women
raping males have very little to fear from the law because such acts are legally poorly defined.
Recent research published in the JAMA Pediatrics Journal says that outside of the military and
prisons (where it is mostly against men simply due to their greater numbers), men and women
carry out sexual violence against others at similar rates (by 52% of men and by 48% of women).
Why do we rarely read about women raping men? Recent National Crime Victimization Survey
substantiates men and women are just as likely to be rapists. One of the first ever investigations
on violence against adult men was recently done for the military where less than 3% of male
victims were found to report their assault (nearly a tenth as likely as female soldiers) – for good
reason. It was found when men in the military report a sexual assault, authorities are less likely
to identify a suspect, less likely to refer charges to court-martial (28% vs 42%), and less likely to
discharge the perpetrator than in cases in which the victim is a woman (Baltimore Sun Dec 13,
2013). In March 2013, Brian Lewis became the very first man to testify before Congress about
being sexually assaulted in the military. Psychotherapist Dr. Terri Nelson, author of For Love of
Country: Confronting Rape and Sexual Harassment in the U.S. Military, says male victims face
an additional obstacle: gender expectations in a culture that celebrates the strong, stoic warrior.
"Were you aroused?" is often asked of male victims but never of female victims. Alas, Nelson's
resolve to always refer to victims as female and rapists as male only prolongs such stereotypes.
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Men must face a society where many just don't believe rape can happen to them. They're too
strong; they can't be raped if they don't want it; and, they're just lying. The FBI redefined rape to
include men in 2012 but there are still no ads telling men "You are not alone – we believe you."
About half of male rape accusations are later recanted (Washington Post, 1991; Kanin, 1994;
DOJ, 1996) and 75% of child sexual abuse accusations against men end up to be unfounded or
unsubstantiated, without any legal consequences. It is clearly evident many innocent men are
convicted with little evidence in the words of one juror "just in case it's true." Relatively low
recidivism for rapists suggests many are innocent (hundreds proven by DNA). We know women
often lie with 15% to 40% of children (respectively for first and fourth child) not being fathered by
the duped men who sign the birth certificate (Phillipp, 1972; DNA Diagnostics Center, Texas,
1999; Popovich, 2000). And yet, one DOJ study found murder sentencing grossly biased with
13% of wives accused of killing husbands being acquitted compared with 1.4% of husbands. Of
those convicted, 16% of the women get probation instead of prison, again about ten times the
rate for men. And, the average prison sentence for homicidal wives is 6 years compared to 17
for husbands. Finally, many states have clemency board to review cases of women who murder
their husbands. Mass pardons of husband killers have occurred in both Ohio and Maryland. The
Columbus, Ohio Dispatch reported 15 of the 25 women pardoned by Ohio's Governor Richard
Celeste insisted they had never been physically abused. Why is such favoritism encouraged?
Erin Pizzey, often credited for building England's first women's shelters back in 1971, bitterly
complained how within months feminists hijacked her cause (and government grant) and used it
to try to demonize all men, not only in Britain, but internationally. A great part of her motivation
for building her first shelter was that no one believed her when she asked for help at the age of
six as (in her own words) "nobody would ever imagine that my beautiful, rich mother could be a
violent abuser" (as per her 1974 book, Scream Quietly). It's long past time to refute the efforts to
blame men (and not the social or legal systems) for all greed and abuse in the world. The first
time a niece got me alone, her most pressing question was whether what her mother, aunts,
and teachers kept telling her was true: are men wholly responsible for all the evil in the world?
(See https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wA-QP1gSYJA&list=UUcmnLu5cGUGeLy744WS-fsg)
The owner of the only shelter for men in Canada (without any public funding for over 20 years)
was so overwhelmed by the negative social forces against his efforts he just gave up and killed
himself last year (and suicides by middle aged men have increased by over 50% in just the past
decade, Dr. Arean, 2014). Erin Pizzey told reporters after Silverman's death, "My problem is that
it’s men who’ve been victims of domestic violence, which is largely ignored by society... and not
only ignored, but ridiculed. Billions are spent across the world for women’s refuges and virtually
nothing for men. And the one men’s refuge in Canada was so denigrated and despised by the
Canadian government, as you will see from our introduction, Earl committed suicide after he
was forced to sell his home and he'd lost everything." Anyone not being moved to tears by this
story must not be capable of any human empathy (http://womenspost.ca/owner-of-shelter-for-abused-
men-and-children-commits-suicide-after-financial-ruin-ridicule/), as many readers prove.
And, I haven't yet discussed the blatant myth of the entire feminist cause. Carrie Lukas is the
managing director of the Independent Women's Forum and she wrote for Forbes last year:
"Feminists may protest, but American women aren't the victims of a sexist economy. It's time to
declare an end to the Equal Pay Day myth." The facts are a 25-year old woman is twice as likely
to be able to afford a new home (with 91% of new homes being bought by women) and half as
likely to still be living at home with mom (which is where you will find a full half of age 25-30 year
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old American men today). The 2010 Census showed 80% of new primary care physicians are
women. The inconvenient truth is that women own 60% (projected to rise to two thirds over the
next decade) of all personal wealth in the United States as per Business Insider, 2012, they own
more than half of all individually held stocks (despite being more conservative investors), and
make 80% of all consumer decisions (even half of products marketed directly to men are
purchased by women). One of the few economic measures for which women "need help" is that
women own only 40% of all private businesses (a third of all businesses globally). But, that "low"
number won't last long with 70% of all new businesses being owned by women (who hold the
majority of management / professional positions). Prudential Research (2011) showed 95% of
women will end up their family's primary financial decision maker. And yet, two thirds of women
still feel men (with less education and less pay) should pay for all dates. Wow, what arrogance!
If those statistics were the other way around, you would be jumping out of your seat in anger to
the unfairness. Where does this inequality begin? Glen Sacks notes ten out of ten "discipline
problems" in 1st Grade are typically boys. Plus, studies have found boys with similar language
skills are four times more likely as girls to be identified as having problems (Ewin & Taylor, 2006
and Sciutto, Nolfi, Bulhm, 2006). Dr. Thomas Dee (2006) showed "boys are 2-3 times more
likely than girls to be seen as disruptive, inattentive, and unlikely to do homework." Boys receive
a reduced education with girls ending up almost two grades ahead by the end of high school
and then receiving two thirds of all college degrees (a 50-year old disparity). Walk into any K-12
classroom and you'll see who is forced to sit in the back of the bus today. The nine million
children who are given Ritalin to sit still are most all boys (an Oregon State meta-study in 2006
found all support for Ritalin was only the result of doctored science) and boys are five times
more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD. The feminists would like you to believe that these stats
merely show there's something wrong with boys – shame on you if you accept that. Such sadly
universal attitudes, though, is likely why there are four times more boys waiting for adoption
than girls in every country of the world (except China) and why four out of five parents of kids
born with both gender organs choose sex assignment surgeries to make their children female.
Male victims of violence are largely unknown surely in part because men are extremely hesitant
to report their abuse to authorities or to seek help as they rightfully fear their female partners will
successfully accuse them of being the actual perpetrators. For one thing, arresting men earns
townships cash through federal grants and other funding sources based on the principle of
female victim and male batterer with no funding being available to encourage arresting women.
Again, a third of men calling for help face being arrested themselves. Male victims also do not
seek out their few options for help as battered men who flee their attackers find the act of fleeing
results in losing custody of their children and men who retain their children in order to try to
protect them from abusive mothers often find themselves again arrested for child kidnapping.
But, mothers are more likely to harm and kill their children and are sadly often getting away with
it (Marybeth Tinning killed all nine of her children without any charges until her final confession).
A U.S. Department of Justice report showed that mothers commit 70% of confirmed cases of
child abuse and 65% of parental murders of children. Children are also 88% more likely to be
seriously injured from abuse or neglect by their mothers rather than by their fathers. In 1983, the
US Department of Health and Human Services in fact found 60% of child abuse is inflicted by
mothers with sole custody and that almost all of the rest comes from her boyfriends and second
husbands. Not surprising, boys are more likely to be victims of familial violence than girls. And,
since the number of alienated fathers doubled in the last quarter of the 20th century, we should
expect the number of psychopaths to be double estimates made in the 1970's (as per Dr. David
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Lykken in Antisocial Personalities, 1993, p 204). Dr. Lykken missed the 1991 Epidemiologic
Catchment Area study, sponsored by the National Institute of Mental Health, which had already
reported in the fifteen years preceding the study that the prevalence of antisocial personality
disorder had in fact nearly doubled among the youth in America. With the rates of teen drug
abuse and pregnancy, school dropouts, and juvenile crime being more tightly correlated with
fatherlessness than with any other socioeconomic factor, including income and race, it is no
surprise that many experts believe childhood psychopathy is still increasing (Dr. Ramsland,
2011). Dr. Stout writes American values are the perfect breeding ground for psychopaths (far
rarer in Asia) and Dr. Hare says "our society is moving in the direction of permitting, reinforcing,
and valuing the traits listed in the Psychopathy Checklist such as impulsivity, irresponsibility,
lack of remorse." As a result, you likely feel no responsibility nor feel any remorse for the widely
ignored violence done around the world against all men – and, that's quite spot on, now isn't it?
By playing the damsel in distress trope, girls are taught to manage their feelings by assigning all
responsibility to boys who are alternately taught to repress their feelings and then accept all the
blame for that repression. Girls are raised to be such "drama queens" that boys are ten times
more successful at suicide. But then, few women work in the most dangerous jobs as the death
of a man carries less weight. While heterosexual men who like to shop, cook, or accessorize are
called "metrosexuals," women who do something masculine are instead called "empowered."
What are little boys made of? Snips of snails and puppy dogs tails. What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice and everything nice. A son's a son till he takes a wife, but a daughter's a
daughter all of her life. There is simply no redemption for little boys. Every war story and sinking
ship where everyone yells, "Save the women and children," doggedly reinforces the same idea:
"Men are disposable in our culture." We laugh when women hit men with frying pans and flower
pots but are shocked by any display of anger by a man towards a woman. Who cares if a man is
battered – isn't it just funny? Imagine if instead of Tom Cruise being beaten unconscious by his
ex-girlfriend in Jerry Maguire only to awaken to hear his mentor advising him to just roll with the
punches that it was rather he whom repeatedly battered some woman to unconsciousness
waking to hear someone suggest it was no big deal – no, that would clearly no longer be funny.
Therefore, I'd like to see a Kick in the Balls Challenge for Violence Against Men. In this dare,
one must find a local governmentally funded independent shelter just for abused men or take a
kick in the balls. No donation or money required but without a single male-only shelter in the
U.S. as well as most of the countries of the world, we all deserve one massive kick in the balls.
One can't improve what they don't measure, and you can't measure what you don't track. So,
you (and your clan) will need to keep a journal of your adventures (this is a common thread to
all advice on living better). I additionally believe we should have a national day of re-reading and
mourning our recent great mistakes on Escalante's birthday, December 31 (in remembrance of
our nation's colossal blunder in letting the sociopathic Lizards take away his students). This is
not ever going to happen, so you will need to observe such a day of remembrance on your own.
A quality annual post-mortem should review the deliverables you set out to accomplish last year
(your goals for charitable services and personal improvements) as well as personal and family
finances. And, of course, this should be accomplished in a "church" setting of accountability as
well as reviewing your clans goals and direction. Were you and the group able to live sufficiently
safe, where were you and the group successful and where were their opportunities to improve
(such as commonly in the area or gross intentional failing), were there lessons to be applied to
future efforts, and how close were efforts to last year's plans and commitments? It's also good
to have a guest present to provide an original external prospective on the examination process.
111

What is Heaven and Hell to me?
By Jim Maginnis (1997)
I have had a glimpse of Heaven,
and there are things that I can tell.
That it's not the place we wish for
as we're tossing coins down a well.
Enlightenment at first seems sort
of poetically auspicious.
For Heaven surely can be found
in the fanciest of dishes.
Assuredly the rainbow's it.
No doubt, the babe's soft fragrance.
Convinced authority's the rub?
Then, it's clearly blatant flagrance.
Yet, even in my lover's sigh,
who tightly in my warm embrace,
Heaven's nature's still not disclosed;
for it's revealed in loving grace.
Not life's medley of sights or sounds,
but of heart and soul and passions.
Heaven's truly where I will find
no pain, nor fear, or distractions.
Cloaked in warm and cleansing light,
I'll hear the voice that calls for me.
To give up ego and revenge
and lose my life's worst enemy.
All dread driven from my being,
purged by the perfect love of God.
112
My "not-good-enough" transgressions
replaced with unifying sod.
Where the wild letting go of self
freeing my shame and desire,
Seeks not loudness and indulgence
but gentleness, tenderness, and choir.
To love, trust, know, and remember
to be loved, trusted, known, and heard.
Heaven's a sharing not done with one.
His truth is His life is His word.
Therefore, I start my partnership
knowing the measure of success
is how little input I provide
and by my aptness to confess.
John the Baptist born to witness
what Mosses wrote about the Son.
That through His death and accepting
death in life is life in death won.
I'm not so apt to scribe on Hell,
I suppose it's Heaven's counter.
Pits of darkness saved for judgment
and lakes burning brimstone and fire.
It's where the lone wolf goes to stand,
solitary and strong like stone.
Where searching 'round on every side
all he finds is himself, alone

* Also, see:
www.slideshare.net/JimMaginnis/50-ways-to-untwist-your-thinking
www.slideshare.net/JimMaginnis/sales-talk-2738959
www.slideshare.net/JimMaginnis/best-practices-2739084
www.slideshare.net/JimMaginnis/what-is-quality-2738731
www.slideshare.net/JimMaginnis/workplace-spirituality
You can download this text at www.slideshare.net/JimMaginnis/the-holistic-handbook-to-suicide

The holistic handbook to a successful suicide

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The holistic handbook to a successful suicide