Taking care of yourself - StartUp Independent
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The document discusses issues that independent professionals face such as self-doubt, work-life balance, and feelings of isolation. It provides advice and perspectives from thought leaders on cultivating self-compassion, embracing vulnerability, overcoming imposter syndrome, and reframing oneself in a positive light. Resources and strategies are presented to help individuals care for their well-being and find fulfillment in their work.
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Taking care of yourself - StartUp Independent
- 1. Taking care of yourself • START UP Independent 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 1
- 2. Let’s pause 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 2
- 3. More • Our research showed that our independent professionals tend to have issues with • self-doubt, • balancing life and work, and • comparing themselves with others who have had longer careers, • as well as dealing with the isolation of individual working 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 3
- 4. The Struggle 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 4 https://a16z.com/2012/ 06/15/the-struggle/
- 5. Life is like Guitar Hero 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 5
- 6. How avoid those projections…?! 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 6
- 7. Brené Brown • How do we learn to embrace our vulnerabilities and imperfections so that we can engage in our lives from a place of authenticity and worthiness? • How do we cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection that we need to recognize that we are enough – that we are worthy of love, belonging, and joy? https://www.uh.edu/socialwork/about/faculty -directory/b-brown/ 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 7
- 8. Claire: ‘man in the arena’ • the relationships among vulnerability, scarcity, shame, and comparison using the metaphor of the Arena. • When we experience vulnerability (uncertainty, risk emotional exposure) we can compare, leading to scarcity straight to shame. How do we behave when we are driven by shame ? • Who sits in the cheap seats ? • The relationship between vulnerability and messages, expectations, and stereotypes involving race, class, orientation, and otherness (box seats) • The relationships among vulnerability, self- compassion, and empathy. (Two most important seats) • criticism and cynicism impede willingness to be vulnerable.- whose feedback really matters and whose do we actually listen to ? • An overview of the arena. 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 8
- 9. Vulnerability as a superpower. Pro-tip: be present is to be ‘vulnerable’ 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 9
- 10. Imposter Syndrome • “who the f**k are you?” “who do you think you are?” • Feeling like a fraud • I think I have it all the time • Actually I think it’s my Identity I need to protect myself from the most – my ‘First Adulthood’ • But lately I’ve sensed the need to take a leadership approach • “I may be an imposter, but I’m not a fraud [I think]…” • Cf Jerry Colonna: “blow it a kiss, and say – ‘Thank you, I’ve got this.’” 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 10
- 11. Professor Carol S. Dweck 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 11
- 12. Loneliness - “How does it feel?” • “It’s like being offered a full meal, and not being able to eat it.” • “Like being surrounded by a dark void that you have no way of crossing.” • “Loneliness is worthlessness. You feel you don’t fit in, that people don’t understand you. • “It feels like a bereavement – like an enormous loss of something. And it also feels suffocating – tight and strangling and suffocating, even though it’s an absence.” • “It feels like a dark cloud. You don’t want anyone to see you and so you get lonelier: it’s a vicious circle.” 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 12 https://w ww.1843 magazine. com/featu res/in- solitude- what- happiness
- 13. How to Move Forward Once You’ve Hit Bottom • I just blurted out my whole story: • My life is over. • I have hit the bottom. • I don’t know what to do. • Please help me. • And here is the advice Trungpa Rinpoche gave me. [notes!] • He said, “Well, it’s a lot like walking into the ocean, and a big wave comes and knocks you over. • And you find yourself lying on the bottom with sand in your nose and in your mouth. • And you are lying there, and you have a choice. You can either lie there, or you can stand up and start to keep walking out to sea.” 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 13 https://www.lionsroar.com/how-to-move- forward-once-youve-hit-bottom/
- 14. So, reframe *yourselves* and level up https://ww w.poetryfo undation.or g/poems/4 8985/phen omenal- woman 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 14
- 15. GREAT DREAM • c/o Action for Happiness • 10 Keys to Happier Living by Vanessa King (Author) • https://amzn.to/2Scbxfk • How did you get on? 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 15 http://www.actionforhappiness.org/10-keys- to-happier-living
- 16. What are your Superpowers? • Personal BMC work 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 16
- 17. Marianne Williamson Quote 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 17
- 18. Constantina Muston Practical tips about work/life balance Presentation delivered in Leancamp session we ran together 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 18
- 19. Quantified wellbeing Jonny & The Alpha Complex 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 19
- 20. Positive Psychology 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 20
- 21. Examples 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 21
- 22. More Examples 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 22
- 23. Resources 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 23 https://www.reboot.io/podcast/ https://amzn.to/2zq7WmS
- 24. Bringing it (and us) together 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 24
- 25. Love after Love – Derek Walcott The time will come when, with elation, you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror, and each will smile at the other’s welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life. 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 25 https://www.brainpickings. org/2015/04/21/love-after- love-derek-walcott/
- 26. Closing • Look after yourselves • Look after each other • Be proactive • Be well • In closing – some thoughts 28/11/2018 @NCLStartUp | @souterconsults | #StartedatNCL | @positivepumpkin | @jonnyellis9 26
- 27. What’s next • Thank you • Justin Souter | @souterconsults | 077 177 255 04 • http://www.entrepreneurship.org/founders- school.aspx 28/11/2018 @The_DigitalCity | @souterconsults | #DCAccelerator 27
Editor's Notes
- The Struggle is when you wonder why you started the company in the first place. The Struggle is when people ask you why you don’t quit and you don’t know the answer. The Struggle is when your employees think you are lying and you think they may be right. The Struggle is when food loses its taste. The Struggle is when you don’t believe you should be CEO of your company. The Struggle is when you know that you are in over your head and you know that you cannot be replaced. The Struggle is when everybody thinks you are an idiot, but nobody will fire you. The Struggle is where self-doubt becomes self-hatred. The Struggle is when you are having a conversation with someone and you can’t hear a word that they are saying because all you can hear is The Struggle. The Struggle is when you want the pain to stop. The Struggle is unhappiness. The Struggle is when you go on vacation to feel better and you feel worse. The Struggle is when you are surrounded by people and you are all alone. The Struggle has no mercy. The Struggle is the land of broken promises and crushed dreams. The Struggle is a cold sweat. The Struggle is where your guts boil so much that you feel like you are going to spit blood. The Struggle is not failure, but it causes failure. Especially if you are weak. Always if you are weak. Most people are not strong enough. Every great entrepreneur from Steve Jobs to Mark Zuckerberg went through The Struggle and struggle they did, so you are not alone. But that does not mean that you will make it. You may not make it. That is why it is The Struggle. The Struggle is where greatness comes from.
- “One of the most powerful shocks of the Middle Passage is the collapse of our tacit contract with the universe–the assumption that if we act correctly, if we are of good heart and good intentions, things will work out. We assume a reciprocity with the universe. If we do our part, the universe will comply. Many ancient stories, including the Book of Job, painfully reveal the fact that there is no such contract, and everyone who goes through the Middle Passage is made aware of it.” – James Hollis
- “Loneliness is worthlessness. You feel you don’t fit in, that people don’t understand you. You feel terrible about yourself, you feel rejected. Everyone goes to the pub, but they don’t invite you. Why? Because there’s something wrong with you.” For Me, I don’t tend to suffer from Loneliness, I more feel that I am Alone
- So, basically, you stand up, because the “lying there” choice equals dying. Metaphorically lying there is what a lot of us choose to do at that point. But you can choose to stand up and start walking, and after a while another big wave comes and knocks you down. You find yourself at the bottom of the ocean with sand in your nose and sand in your mouth, and again you have the choice to lie there or to stand up and start walking forward. “So the waves keep coming,” he said. “And you keep cultivating your courage and bravery and sense of humor to relate to this situation of the waves, and you keep getting up and going forward.” This was his advice to me. Trungpa then said, “After a while, it will begin to seem to you that the waves are getting smaller and smaller. And they won’t knock you over anymore.” That is good life advice. It isn’t that the waves stop coming; it’s that because you train in holding the rawness of vulnerability in your heart, the waves just appear to be getting smaller and smaller, and they don’t knock you over anymore. So what I’m saying is: fail. Then fail again, and then maybe you start to work with some of the things I’m saying. And when it happens again, when things don’t work out, you fail better. In other words, you are able to work with the feeling of failure instead of shoving it under the rug, blaming it on somebody else, coming up with a negative self-image—all of those futile strategies. “Fail better” means you begin to have the ability to hold what I call “the rawness of vulnerability” in your heart.
- Phenomenal Woman BY MAYA ANGELOU Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size But when I start to tell them, They think I’m telling lies. I say, It’s in the reach of my arms, The span of my hips, The stride of my step, The curl of my lips. I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me. I walk into a room Just as cool as you please, And to a man, The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees. Then they swarm around me, A hive of honey bees. I say, It’s the fire in my eyes, And the flash of my teeth, The swing in my waist, And the joy in my feet. I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me. Men themselves have wondered What they see in me. They try so much But they can’t touch My inner mystery. When I try to show them, They say they still can’t see. I say, It’s in the arch of my back, The sun of my smile, The ride of my breasts, The grace of my style. I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me. Now you understand Just why my head’s not bowed. I don’t shout or jump about Or have to talk real loud. When you see me passing, It ought to make you proud. I say, It’s in the click of my heels, The bend of my hair, the palm of my hand, The need for my care. ’Cause I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me. Maya Angelou, “Phenomenal Woman” from And Still I Rise. Copyright © 1978 by Maya Angelou. Used by permission of Random House, an imprint and division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved. Source: The Complete Collected Poems of Maya Angelou (Random House Inc., 1994) Related
- Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles" (1992)
- I come from a place of privilege It’s the “sea” I was brought up in It’s the expectations I assumed But there was / is a chasm between acting out that identity and living a life of purpose, meaning, integrity, honesty and wellbeing My formative years caused me to create a personal which was bent out of shape There were few guidelines about wellbeing; and the fundaments of life were assumed and presented / modelled to be in ways which – I believe – set me up to fail My path has been an attempt to assemble a parachute on my way through life in a terrifying free-fall without end Suffering, without being able to suffer, numbness without the ability of comparison We are warriors. We can choose to be Shambhala warriors of the Pure Land lineage We bow to the Great Eastern Sun when it rises, which is full of possibility We get knocked down, and we get back up. We are on purpose. My challenge to you is to set out on this journey of your lifetime; find the courage to live beyond self-impersonation and arrive at your *own* door, for you will truly know when you have arrived. I salute the divine with us all - gasshō