S&M

S&M
by
Victor Revino
Based on, SUPERBAD and PINEAPPLE EXPRESS
vicrevenge@gmail.com
+62818-0616-2536

EXT. STREET - DAY
It’s a beautiful, sunny day in CLARK COUNTY.
CLOSE UP ON THE ASPHALT, SPEEDS UP TO A CLARK COUNTY POLICE
DEPARTMENT’S CAR.
CAR 98, siren blaring, passes every car with enormous speed.
From the windshield, sit OFFICER CHRIS SLATER(smart but lazy)
and OFFICER JEFF MICHAELS(crude, lewd young rookie).
“DAY SHIFT” MONTAGE BEGINS
“I WANNA ROCK” BY TWISTED SISTERS BEGINS.
EXT. STREET - DAY
SLATER and MICHAELS stand beside an expensive sports car.
Inside, sits a pretentious man with a fauxhawk. SLATER writes
a ticket for the guy. Gives it to him. The man furious about
the ticket.
MAN
$500?! For what? For running a red
light?
SLATER
You violated Section 583-B
MAN
What’s that?
MICHAELS
A fucking douchebag with fauxhawk.
INT. CAR 98 - CONTINUOUS
SLATER drives recklessly while MICHAELS yells at the people
on the street.
MICHAELS
Move it people! Law enforcers
coming through.
1.

EXT. STREET - DAY
CAR 98 stops abruptly. A weed dealer sees the car. Runs like
hell. MICHAELS bursts out of the car, chasing the weed dealer
down the street. SLATER chases both of them with the car.
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. EMPTY ALLEY - DAY
SLATER, MICHAELS and weed dealer sit on the car, smoking
weed.
SLATER and MICHAELS bob their heads to the music. SLATER and
MICHAELS sing the chorus, LOUDLY.
SLATER AND MICHAELS
I WANNA ROCK!! I WANNA ROCK!! I!!
WANT!! TO!! ROCK!!
I WANNA ROCK!! I WANNA ROCK!! I!!
WANT!! TO!! ROCK!!
EXT. STREET - DAY
MICHAELS comes out the car to help an old lady with a walker
to cross the street. MICHAELS grabs the old lady by the arm.
MICHAELS
You need some assistance, ma’am?
The old lady glares at MICHAELS.
OLD LADY
I can manage myself, asshole.
EXT. STREET - DAY
CAR 98 comes in fast to break off a bunch of kids
skateboarding. Skater kids scatter. CAR 98 does a donut.
Stops.
CLOSE UP ON SLATER AND MICHAELS FROM THE WINDOW WEARING
SUNGLASSES.
SLATER
Going somewhere?
2.

SLATER and MICHAELS come out. Chase the kids.
EXT. 7-ELEVEN PARKING LOT - DAY
SLATER and MICHAELS sit on top of CAR 98’S hood. Eating
bagels. Bunch of teenagers come out of 7-ELEVEN. Pass SLATER
and MICHAELS.
TEENAGER
Nice doughnuts, pigs. I guess
that's the only holes you guys
gonna get.
SLATER and MICHAELS smile at each other. Turn to the
teenagers.
MICHAELS
Actually, this is a bagel. And I
got it from your mom after I
plugged all of her three holes.
TEENAGER #1
What the fuck? Three holes?
SLATER puts his finger to his head.
SLATER
Yeah, three holes. Think about it.
The teenagers walk away, silently, as they are defeated.
SLATER and MICHAELS continue eating. Smiling.
END OF MONTAGE
The song ends. MICHAELS turns off the radio.
SLATER
What a great song! They don’t make
this kinda stuff anymore.
MICHAELS
It’s sad, really. I mean, who gives
a shit about Miley Cyrus anyway?
SLATER
Circle gets the square. It is
getting twisted out there.
MICHAELS chuckles.
3.

MICHAELS
Funny. Twisted.
SLATER
You know who else is twisted?
MICHAELS
Who?
SLATER
Those guys! Wearing that makeup.
And a dress?
SLATER and MICHAELS laugh.
MICHAELS
They do wear dresses. It's funny
tough, every time I look at you, I
keep picturing you, back in days
wearing the same kind makeup and
dress.
(beat)
Did you? Wear makeup and dress?
SLATER grins.
SLATER
What? No. I was more of a White
Snake guy.
MICHAELS
What about me? What do you see when
you look at me?
SLATER stares at MICHAELS. MICHAELS smiles, big.
SLATER
Honestly, with that mustache, You
looked like a gay cowboy wearing a
leather chaps, ready to buttfuck
me.
MICHAELS chuckles.
MICHAELS
Get the fuck out of here. Are you
serious?
MICHAELS touches his thick mustache. Concerned. SLATER turns
to MICHAELS, smiles.
SLATER
I mean, if I'm gay and you were my
boyfriend.
4.
(MORE)

I'll let you be the butch and just
take your jizz right in my face. I
even let you spoon me.
(beat)
That's how I see you. A macho gay.
MICHAELS gets more disturbed.
MICHAELS
Oh, God. Is it that worse? I should
shave it.
SLATER bangs the steering wheel, LAUGH.
SLATER
Relax, Michaels. I'm fucking with
you. Not literally fucking you. You
actually look good with that
mustache.
MICHAELS sighs deeply.
MICHAELS
Aw, you asshole. You had me going.
I thought that's why that dude at
the bar the other night kept
sending me those appletini.
MICHAELS breathes deeply. SLATER looks at MICHAELS. Lifts an
eyebrow.
SLATER
But seriously though, you should
shav--
DISPATCH (O.S.)
(over the radio)
We have a 415 at 16 San Fernando
Road. Car 98, check it.
SLATER takes the microphone. Sighs.
SLATER
(to the microphone)
10-4. Car 98 on it.
(to MICHAELS)
Punch it, my young padawan.
MICHAELS pushes the siren button. Siren blaring. SLATER steps
hard on the accelerator.
5.
SLATER (CONT'D)

EXT. STREET - DAY
CAR 98 speeds up, yet again. Passes every red lights and
cars.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
SLATER knocks on the door.
MICHAELS
Clark County Police Department.
Open up.
SLATER
We got a call about some shouting.
Come out, please.
SLATER and MICHAELS knock on the door until a cute girl with
a black eye opens.
SLATER (CONT’D)
Good God. Are you all right?
MICHAELS
We got a call about some shouting.
GIRL
No. Nothing's going on here.
SLATER
Is anyone inside?
GIRL
There’s no one inside, officer.
SLATER
Do you mind if I take a look?
GIRL reluctantly complies.
GIRL
All right, I guess.
SLATER steps inside the house. MICHAELS stays to ask some
questions.
MICHAELS
We need to take information about
you and what happened here, okay?
GIRL nods.
6.

MICHAELS (CONT’D)
Okay, first of all. What is your
name?
GIRL
Michelle.
MICHAELS
Wow, what a beautiful name.
Michelle. Similar to my name.
Michaels.
MICHAELS points to his name tag. Chuckles.
MICHAELS (CONT’D)
You know in France, Michaels is
spelled Michelle. So we're like
soul-name-mate.
MICHAELS flirts with MICHELLE.
MICHAELS (CONT’D)
Second of all, who did this to you?
Your boyfriend? Husband? Or just a
guy you're seeing?
MICHELLE
Just my shitty boyfriend.
MICHAELS
Oh, that's great.
MICHELLE confused.
MICHELLE
What?
MICHAELS
I mean it's great that you realized
your boyfriend is shitty. So, are
you looking for another boyfriend?
MICHELLE gets uncomfortable with the questions.
MICHELLE
Is that relevant at all?
MICHAELS
Yes. Every answers matter. Just
answer the question.
SLATER comes out of the house.
7.

SLATER
Well, no one’s inside. It's secure
for now.
MICHELLE
If you must know. I'm not with my
boyfriend anymore after this.
SLATER
That's good. This isn't a healthy
relationship. Not with a black eye
like that.
MICHAELS
Now, the next question is a little
bit personal. What is your bra
size?
MICHELLE glares at MICHAELS. Turns to SLATER.
MICHELLE
Again, how is that relevant?
SLATER
It's very relevant, ma'am.
MICHELLE angrily answers.
MICHELLE
Fine. It's 34B.
SLATER
That's nice. It's not too big, not
too small. A lot of girls this day,
they went for boob job--
MICHAELS
Breast Enhancem--
MICHELLE
It’s Breast Augmentation.
SLATER
Yes, Breast Augmentation. It’s nice
to finally meet someone without
plastic in them.
MICHELLE
I actually thinking about upping my
cup size.
SLATER
What? That would be crazy. Yours
are big as it is.
8.

MICHAELS
Yeah, I’m not even sure that’s a B
cup. Are you sure?
MICHELLE
Of course, I’m sure. I measure them
everyday.
MICHAELS
I’m not convinced. Can we see it?
MICHELLE
WHAT THE FUCK!
MICHELLE slams the door shut.
SLATER
(shouting)
I guess that's all we need. Thank
you for the information.
MICHAELS crouches down. Slips his card through the mail slot.
MICHAELS
Here's my card if you need any
assistance.
BEAT.
MICHAELS (CONT’D)
Can I call you?
CUT TO:
INT. BRIEFING ROOM - NEXT DAY
WIDE SHOT ON ALL THE COPS
SLATER and MICHAELS sit alongside their colleagues, OFFICER
STEPHANIE JENNINGS (28, office hottie) and her partner,
OFFICER JACKSON THOMAS (32, muscular), OFFICER BRIAN COOPER
(27, brainiac) and his partner, OFFICER JONATHAN BRODY (30,
divorced), among other officers.
They sit across three office jerks, OFFICER CRAIG LEROY (33,
African-American), SGT. PAUL NEVILLE (34, annoying) and LT.
ADAM CANTOR (36, very intense, toothpick chewer).
CAPT. ALEX SMITH (50, passionate, energetic) is halfway in
his briefing.
9.

CAPT.
Okay, just a slight announcement.
The guy that Leroy and Coleen
caught is in fact Tom Cruise-- ‘s
cousin.
CAPT. SMITH chuckles.
MICHAELS
Fuck. I thought we actually caught
Tom Cruise going crazy again.
CANTOR chews his toothpick.
CANTOR
(chewing)
Yeah, only a fucked up retard like
you could've think that was true.
NEVILLE
Forrest Gump is way smarter than
you, Michaels.
SLATER
Hey! That's my partner you're
talking about.
NEVILLE
Oh, look. His boyfriend fighting
his battle.
MICHAELS stands up, without a word. Glares at CANTOR and
NEVILLE.
MICHAELS
I’LL GIVE YOU A RETARD,
MOTHEFUCKERS!
MICHAELS jumps to the table. Tries to get across. SLATER,
JENNINGS, THOMAS subdue MICHAELS. LEROY, CANTOR subdue
NEVILLE. The room turns into a riot.
MICHAELS (CONT’D)
Come here you motherfucker. I'll
fuck you both ways!
NEVILLE
You couldn't fuck me even if my ass
is lubricated. That's what a
fucking moron you are!
CAPT. SMITH YELLS.
10.

CAPT. SMITH
STOP IT! YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!
Everytime there's a briefing, you
motherfuckers waste my goddamn time
with this bull-fucking-shit
The room silenced. Stone cold silence.
CAPT. SMITH (CONT’D)
Now get your fucking acts together
and defend this goddamn city or
I'll fuck you all both ways!
CAPT. SMITH points to MICHAELS and NEVILLE.
Get your asses out of here and keep
it save. Briefing's over. Get the
fuck out of here.
They all leave the briefing room. CAPT. SMITH calls SLATER.
Slater, can I have a word with you
in my office.
SLATER
Oh, okay.
SLATER follows CAPT. SMITH to his office.
INT. CAPT. SMITH’S OFFICE - DAY
CAPT. SMITH steps inside his office. Sits down. SLATER comes
in after him.
CAPT. SMITH
Close the door, son.
SLATER closes the door. Turns to CAPT. SMITH. Points to a
chair.
Yeah. Yeah. Sit.
SLATER sits down. CAPT. SMITH stares at SLATER. SLATER
worried.
SLATER
Cap, if this about the pocket
pussy, I'm just gonna say that
wasn't mine.
11.

CAPT. SMITH
No, it's not abo-- Wait, what? Is
that a real thing? A pocket pussy?
SLATER
Yeah, it's a real thing. It's like
a dildo, but for men.
CAPT. SMITH pulls out a pen and a piece of paper.
CAPT. SMITH
Where do you get this “pocket
pussy”?
SLATER
It’s called a fleshlight. With an
‘e’. You can get it on Amazon.com
or whateve-- Is that why you called
me here?
CAPT. SMITH
Oh, yeah, right.
CAPT. SMITH puts away his pen and paper.
I called you because I have your
detective exam result with me. And
it doesn't look good, Chris. You
failed.
SLATER holds his head.
It’s been three times, yeah?
SLATER MUMBLES. CAPT. SMITH walks to SLATER. Tries to comfort
SLATER.
It's okay, Chris. It's okay.
CAPT. SMITH puts his hand on SLATER’S shoulder. Out of
nowhere, SLATER hugs CAPT. SMITH’S legs. Sobs, hard.
SLATER
I want to be a detective my whole
life! Wh-- Why is this so hard?
Three times. Three times, I took
that test.
CAPT. SMITH looks out of his office and sees all the cops
looking at him and SLATER.
12.

CAPT. SMITH
Chris, listen to me. First thing
you got to do is let me go. Because
it looks like you're blowing me.
SLATER lets his grip off of CAPT. SMITH. Still sobs.
Next, is stop crying. Listen to me,
you are a good cop. A good officer.
You'll get there, Chris. Doesn't
matter how many times you take that
test, you will be a detective.
(beat)
It’s a long journey. Full of
obstacles, but I bet my good money
that you will arise from the ashes,
a blazing phoenix. It took me 15
years to get this job. So, cheer
up, you’ll get there.
SLATER stops crying. Wipes his tears. Sniffs.
SLATER
Really? You really think so?
CAPT. SMITH
Absolutely. You're one of the best
we got here. I promise you in two
years, the next time I see you,
you'll be wearing a detective
badge.
SLATER looks to CAPT. SMITH, in admiration.
SLATER
You’re so wise, Cap. You’re like
Morgan Freeman. I feel so much
better.
CAPT. SMITH
So, you'll take that exam again?
CAPT. SMITH gazes upon SLATER. Looks for an answer.
SLATER
Yeah, I'm gonna do it. I'll take
that exam again.
CAPT. SMITH
That’s the spirit! I’m just saying,
when the going gets tough.
13.

SLATER
Yeah. Thanks, Cap.
SLATER stands up. Goes for the door. CAPT. SMITH stops him.
CAPT. SMITH
Chris, Amazon, right?
SLATER
Yeah, or you can Google it.
Fleshlight, with an ‘e’.
CAPT. SMITH writes.
CAPT. SMITH
Fleshlight, with an ‘e’.
SLATER leaves the office.
SLATER and MICHAELS begin their daily shift. MICHAELS stares
at SLATER. Tear marks on his cheek. MICHAELS concerned.
MICHAELS
Did something happened? Back at the
precinct?
SLATER shakes his head.
MICHAELS (CONT’D)
Then, what happened?
SLATER
Michaels, just drop it, okay?
MICHAELS
Okay. Okay. I'll drop it.
SLATER
Good. Now, sit back and be quiet.
MICHAELS sits quietly.
BEAT.
MICHAELS asks again.
MICHAELS
(whispers)
Did he touch you?
14.

SLATER
WHAT?!
MICHAELS
I saw you crying in his office. I
mean, that could happen. I
suspected that he-- You know.
MICHAELS gestures his point. SLATER exclaims in disgust.
SLATER
Ew, no. No. It’s th--
SLATER sighs.
SLATER (CONT’D)
It’s the detective exam. I failed.
Again.
MICHAELS
Yeah, I heard. I don't want to talk
about it in front of you.
SLATER
Thanks, Michaels. That's so sweet
of you.
MICHAELS
Don't worry about it. And don't
worry about the exam. You'll get
ther--
SLATER
No, don't say it. It'll get me down
even more.
MICHAELS
Oh, okay. I’m sorry.
SLATER
No, I’m sorry. I’m just sad, that’s
all.
A call from DISPATCH comes through.
DISPATCH (O.S.)
(over the radio)
Calling all units! Calling all
units! We've got a 510 in progress
at Washington Boulevard.
MICHAELS
(to the microphone)
10-4. Car 98 on it.
15.

MICHAELS hits the siren button. Siren blares up.
MICHAELS (CONT’D)
Finally, some action.
SLATER’S face turns cheerful in a second.
SLATER
Yeah! Car chase! This is just what
I needed. I’m pretty sure I got a
hard on.
MICHAELS looks to SLATER.
MICHAELS
Disgusting. But understandable. But
still disgusting.
SLATER
I’m not kidding. My dick is really
hard. Maybe even blow a load right
now.
SLATER chuckles. MICHAELS makes disgusted face.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Siren blaring. CAR 98 speeds up into an intersection.
CUT TO:
EXT. WASHINGTON BOULEVARD - CONTINUOUS
CAR 98 arrives at the scene. Two cop cars are already there.
CAR 88 with JENNINGS and THOMAS inside. CAR 75 with COOPER
and BRODY inside. They are pursuing a big grey truck.
MICHAELS picks up the microphone.
MICHAELS
(to the microphone)
Hey, is this all of the backup?
JENNINGS (O.S.)
(over the radio)
I guess so.
16.

THOMAS (O.S.)
(over the radio)
Fucking budget cuts!
SLATER
The precinct is not immune to the
economy, I guess.
MICHAELS
Can we focus here?
SLATER
Yeah, right, the car chase.
MICHAELS gathers information.
MICHAELS
(to the microphone)
Any information on the car or the
driver?
COOPER (O.S.)
(over the radio)
We don't have the info on the car
yet. So far I counted two men in
the truck. We can't force them to
stop with any guns.
MICHAELS
(to the microphone)
Why?
COOPER (O.S.)
(over the radio)
Because we don't know what's inside
the-- Oh, shit! Look out for that
car, Brody!
CAR 75 avoids a minivan right in front of it.
JENNINGS picks up the microphone. Immediately contacts
COOPER.
JENNINGS
(to the microphone)
Cooper, are you okay?
17.

COOPER smiles while he picks up the microphone.
COOPER
(to the microphone)
I'm all right, Steph. Don't worry
about me, I got nine lives.
BRODY agitated by JENNINGS.
BRODY
(shouting)
I'm all right too, Jennings!
COOPER
(to the microphone)
Brody’s okay too. How are you? You
all right?
JENNINGS blushes. Giggles. THOMAS shakes his head. JENNINGS
replies.
JENNINGS
(to the microphone)
I'm all right too, Brian.
(beat)
I'm gonna just say it. Looking that
we might die today. If we’re alive
by the end of today, do you want to
go out with me?
THOMAS
(softly)
Holy shit sandwich.
THOMAS sighs as he drives the car.
SLATER and MICHAELS listen intently to the radio. They are
more interested on the respond rather than the car chase.
SLATER
What is taking him so long to
answer it?
SLATER looks to MICHAELS.
18.

MICHAELS
Don't look at me. I don't know
Cooper that well.
MICHAELS gets tired of waiting. Picks up the microphone.
MICHAELS (CONT’D)
(to the microphone)
What’s it gonna be, Coop?
BRODY too, gets impatient.
BRODY
Will you hurry up! I wanna catch
this motherfuckers!
COOPER
(to the microphone)
The answer is yes, Steph.
JENNINGS excited. Acts like a little girl. THOMAS rolls his
eyes.
JENNINGS
(to the microphone)
Are you sure?
COOPER (O.S.)
(over the radio)
Yeah, I'm sure. It's a date.
JENNINGS slaps THOMAS’S arm in happiness. JENNINGS smiles
big. THOMAS looks to JENNINGS.
THOMAS
Are you done?
JENNINGS looks to THOMAS’S intense expression. Stops smiling.
JENNINGS
Yeah, I’m done.
THOMAS grabs the microphone.
THOMAS
(to the microphone)
All right, listen up. You guys had
you fun?
19.
(MORE)

We've got a situation on our hands.
Can we please concentrate on
bringing this crackers down?
ALL (O.S.)
(over the radio)
Sorry.
THOMAS
(to the microphone)
Now, Slater. You and I are the most
experienced guys here. What do we
do?
SLATER thinks hard.
The truck wrecks havoc. Crushing kiosks and hotdog carts on
the curbs. Almost hitting a car, pedestrians.
SLATER still thinking.
THOMAS (O.S.)
(over the radio)
So?
MICHAELS looks to SLATER. Picks up the microphone.
MICHAELS
(to the microphone)
He's thinking! Keep your pants on,
will ya?
THOMAS (O.S.)
(over the radio)
We ain't got all day, boy! Hurry
him up!
MICHAELS
(to the microphone)
How can he hurry up if you keep
hassling him?!
THOMAS (O.S.)
(over the radio)
Dammit, Michaels.
20.
THOMAS (CONT'D)
(MORE)

If you haven't figured it out, we
got a nasty problem here! It can't
wait!
MICHAELS
(to the radio)
If you're in a hurry, why don't you
think of something?!
THOMAS (O.S.)
(over the radio)
I'm a doer! Not a thinker. Why
don't you?
COOPER (O.S.)
(over the radio)
Guys, guys, c'mon.
SLATER finally comes up with an idea.
SLATER
Michaels, put the microphone up.
MICHAELS holds the microphone to SLATER’S face.
SLATER (CONT’D)
(to the microphone)
Listen up, you guys. We box them.
Thomas, is there a dead-end in this
street?
JENNINGS (O.S.)
(over the radio)
116 Jefferson Boulevard.
COOPER (O.S.)
(over the radio)
116 Jefferson Boulevard.
SLATER (CONT’D)
(to the microphone)
Okay. We are going to direct the
truck to 116 Jefferson Boulevard.
To that dead end. Michaels and I
are going to take the lead. You
guys cover the side so they can't
run away. You guys got it?
COOPER and BRODY comply with the strategy.
COOPER
(to the microphone)
10-4. And keep it tight.
21.
THOMAS (O.S.) (CONT'D)

JENNINGS and THOMAS also agree with SLATER'S plan.
JENNINGS
(to the microphone)
Got it.
CAR 98 speeds up. Goes to the front. Drives really close to
the truck’s nose. The truck tries to go right and left.
Blocked by CAR 88 and CAR 75. The truck forced to follow CAR
98.
EXT. 116 JEFFERSON BOULEVARD - DAY
The convoy arrive at the dead end. CAR 98 brakes, hard.
Followed by the truck. CAR 75 brakes behind the truck.
Prevents the truck to reverse.
SLATER, MICHAELS, THOMAS and JENNINGS come out of their cars.
Hold their guns, performing a siege. COOPER and BRODY guard
the back of the truck.
SLATER
(shouting)
You got nowhere to run! We got the
road covered! Come out with your
hands up!
Suddenly, the driver of the truck comes out running. MICHAELS
leaves the group. Chases the driver. The driver passes COOPER
and BRODY. They just look at the driver. MICHAELS passes
them.
MICHAELS
Guys! What the fuck!
BRODY helps MICHAELS, chasing the driver.
ANGLE ON: SLATER, THOMAS AND JENNINGS
The passenger won’t come out. SLATER shouts, again.
SLATER
C’mon, come out! You friend, he
made a big mistake. He's gonna get
caught. My partner, he’s a fast
runner.
22.

SLATER BLUFFS.
SLATER (CONT’D)
Yeah! He's fast as lightning. No
way your pal is going to outrun
him!
THOMAS looks to SLATER.
THOMAS
Real subtle, Slate.
SLATER turns to THOMAS.
SLATER
You know I'm not good at this. You
do it.
THOMAS takes charge. Shouts.
THOMAS
ALL RIGHT MOTHERFUCKER! COME OUT
NOW! OR WE'RE GONNA SHOOT YOUR
MOTHERFUCKING ASS IN YOUR
MOTHERFUCKING TRUCK! EITHER WAY
YOU'RE FUCKED, FUCKER!
SLATER and JENNINGS stare at THOMAS.
THOMAS (CONT’D)
What?
The passenger comes out. Holds a gun. THOMAS smirks. They
point their gun to the passenger.
COOPER shouts from the back.
COOPER (O.C.)
(from the back)
Hey! What's going on over there?!
JENNINGS shouts back.
JENNINGS
The guy came out! I'll talk to you
later! I’m busy!
COOPER (O.S.)
(from the back)
Okay!
23.

ANGLE ON: COOPER
COOPER gets bored guarding the back. Not getting any action.
Sighs. Talks to himself.
COOPER (CONT’D)
Why do I have to cover the back?
(beat)
Beautiful day.
COOPER kicks a little rock.
ANGLE ON: SLATER, THOMAS AND JENNINGS
The passenger still holds his gun. SLATER tells him to put
down the gun.
SLATER
Sir, we need you to put down the
gun! Slowly, Sir!
THOMAS
(to SLATER)
Sir? This guy is a crook. Stop
being so nice to him. Go off the
book.
SLATER
Aggressive approach?
THOMAS nods. SLATER agrees.
SLATER (CONT’D)
Drop your shit! Drop your shit
to the ground, shit turd! Nice and
slowly! Crap it out or we will
shoot the shit right out of you
before you even hit the ground!
THOMAS
Too many shits.
The passenger suddenly points the gun to their way. Before
the passenger could pull the trigger, SLATER blasts his
shotgun on the passenger. The passenger drops dead.
EXT. HOUSE TO HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
The driver leaps from one backyard to another. BRODY leaps
easily. MICHAELS struggles to keep up. Starts to feel
nauseous.
24.

MICHAELS
(panting)
Chunks in my mouth. Oh, God,
Alfredo sauce coming about.
MICHAELS vomits while still running. Bits of vomit stuck to
his uniform. Like an adrenaline rush, MICHAELS runs faster.
Catches up with BRODY. They’re side by side. BRODY glances at
the vomit chunks.
BRODY
(panting)
What the hell is that?
MICHAELS
(panting)
Vomit. I vomited.
BRODY keeps staring at MICHAELS’S vomit stain. BAM. BRODY
hits a fence. Drops to the ground. MICHAELS leaps it, easily.
BRODY
(shouting)
MICHAELS! GET HIM!
MICHAELS gets close to the driver. The driver runs into a
dead end. Picks up a two by four. Hits MICHAELS with it. The
wood breaks but MICHAELS still holds his ground.
MICHAELS pulls out his gun. With martial art, the driver
kicks it away.
MICHAELS
Oh, fuck.
The driver grins. Puts out his hands. Ready to fight.
DRIVER
Who's the tough guy now, huh?
Unwilling to back down, MICHAELS puts out his hands too.
The driver charges. MICHAELS gives DRIVER an uppercut. DRIVER
comes back with a kick to the stomach. An elbow to the back.
MICHAELS covers his face, while DRIVER goes berserk on him.
MICHAELS grunts.
MICHAELS
Stop! Stop! I give up! Time out!
DRIVER ignores MICHAELS. Keeps on kicking him. MICHAELS
crouches down. Defeated.
25.

MICHAELS (CONT’D)
Do you know what “time out” means?!
You asshole!
DRIVER lifts his leg to kick MICHAELS. MICHAELS sees an
opportunity. Sweeps the other leg. DRIVER drops backward.
Head hits the curb. DRIVER passed out.
SLOW MOTION ON MICHAELS STANDING UP.
MICHAELS looks down to DRIVER. Smirks. Spits the DRIVER.
MICHAELS (CONT’D)
That's what you get for messing
around with a puked out copper,
cocksucker!
BRODY arrives to the scene. Looks down to the unconscious
DRIVER. BRODY impressed.
BRODY
Michaels, nice!
MICHAELS smiles. Shrugs.
CUT TO:
BRODY and MICHAELS come back with DRIVER cuffed. BRODY pushes
DRIVER forward. BRODY shouts.
BRODY
(shouting)
HEY, YOU GUYS WANT TO MEET WITH A
GENUINE BADASS! YOU'RE LOOKING AT
HIM!
DRIVER doesn’t agree.
DRIVER
Badass, my ass.
MICHAELS
You shut your mouth!
BRODY points to MICHAELS. The others laugh.
THOMAS
Yeah, right. You're telling me that
Michaels caught that son of a
bitch.
26.

BRODY and MICHAELS re-join the group.
MICHAELS
Thanks for the encouragement,
Jackson.
THOMAS
You’re welcome.
BRODY
No, seriously, I tripped and
Michaels had to chase the guy
alone. When I got there, the shit's
already on the ground, knocked the
fuck out.
COOPER
Nice job, Jeff.
JENNINGS comes close to give MICHAELS a pat.
JENNINGS
Yeah, great jo-- WHAT THE FUCK IS
THAT SMELL?!
MICHAELS
I puked earlier.
SLATER
Oh, Michaels. Again?
MICHAELS glances at the dead body on the ground.
MICHAELS
What the hell happened to this guy?
BRODY finally sees the body.
BRODY
Whoa! What the shit?
SLATER
Oh, yeah. He got his ass capped.
MICHAELS
Nice.
MICHAELS nods and smiles. They all move to the back of the
truck.
SLATER
(to DRIVER)
Where’s the key?
27.

DRIVER
In my pocket.
MICHAELS pulls out the key. Unlocks the door to the
container.
JENNINGS
What do you think is in it?
BRODY
I bet twenty bucks it's weed.
COOPER
Make it fifty and I think it's
cocaine.
BRODY
Done. Jennings?
JENNINGS puts her hands on top of BRODY and COOPER’S hands.
JENNINGS
It's a gentlemens agreement!
BRODY
HUZZAH!
COOPER
HUZZAH!
MICHAELS opens the truck’s back door. Inside, one hundred
kilos of cocaine. MICHAELS is the first one to see it.
MICHAELS
Smack my ass and call me Sue!
MICHAELS reveals it to the rest.
THOMAS
Sweet Marvin Gaye!
SLATER
Holy bejesus!
COOPER
Dammit, I should've made it a
hundred.
SLATER
This a big find, dudes!
CUT TO:
TV REPORTER interviews SLATER and the rest.
28.

TV REPORTER
I'm standing here with Police
Officer Christopher Slater. Today,
he and five other police officers
successfully stop a drug
trafficking of cocaine in amount of
one hundred kilos.
(to SLATER)
Officer Slater, can you tell us how
this went down?
SLATER answers in whisper.
SLATER
(whispers)
We got a call from dispatc--
TV REPORTER
Can you speak up, sir?
SLATER
Ho-- How is this? Testing, testing.
Check mike, 1, 2, 3. Can we do it
again? Cut! Cut!
SLATER taps the microphone.
TV REPORTER
We are live, sir.
SLATER
(looks to TV REPORTER)
Really? I thought this is just a
rehearsal.
TV REPORTER nods. SLATER breathes deeply. Looks to the
camera.
SLATER (CONT’D)
Okay, action. We got a call from
dispatch saying that there was a
suspicious vehicle, so we checked
it out. It turned to a car chase.
We pinned the vehicle to a dead-end
street and as you can see we were
forced to shot one of the
assailants. But, we managed to
captured the other one.
SLATER drags MICHAELS into the shot.
SLATER (CONT’D)
Here's the guy who captured one of
them. Don’t mind the puke smell.
29.

TV REPORTER
Oh, God!
TV REPORTER gags. Covers her nose and mouth.
TV REPORTER (CONT’D)
(to MICHAELS)
Wha-- What is your name?
TV REPORTER throws up in her mouth. MICHAELS sees it.
MICHAELS
(to TV REPORTER)
You just puked in your mouth,
didn’t you?
TV REPORTER nods. She retches. Tries to keep it together.
TV REPORTER
Just answer the question.
MICHAELS
My name is Jeffrey Michaels, ma'am.
TV REPORTER
And how do yo-- Oh. How do you feel
about the heist?
MICHAELS
(to TV REPORTER)
Just breathe through your mouth,
you'll be fine.
(to the camera)
I feel good, we work as a team and
we prevail. Needless to say that we
totally fucked the fucker up.
(beat)
We fucked 'em with our dicks and
one pussy.
TV REPORTER
All right, CUT!
TV REPORTER couldn’t take the smell anymore. Leaves the
camera shot. SLATER, MICHAELS, BRODY, COOPER, JENNINGS and
THOMAS pose like action heroes for the camera.
INT. CLARK COUNTY POLICE DEPARTMENT - DAY
SLATER, MICHAELS, BRODY, COOPER, JENNINGS and THOMAS come in
to the precinct. APPLAUSE EVERYWHERE. The other officers give
them handshakes. CANTOR, NEVILLE and LEROY aren’t impressed.
CANTOR holds his toothpick.
30.

CANTOR
Oh, C'mon! We can do a better job
than them!
LEROY
You know it. Preach.
NEVILLE
You know what? We could capture
those crooks with our eyes closed,
easy.
LEROY
(to NEVILLE)
How are we gonna drive, though?
With our eyes closed?
NEVILLE
Shut up, Craig.
SLATER retaliates.
SLATER
If you guys can do so much better
than us. Where were you? When we
needed backup, huh?
CANTOR
(holding toothpick)
It's because it was too easy that
we let you guys take this one.
Because you're that-- that-- Guys,
help me out here.
LEROY
That bad! You're that bad!
COOPER smiles.
COOPER
Oh, nice dissing. I’m hurt.
MICHAELS
We're bad? How bad?
JENNINGS
Naughty bad?
JENNINGS growls.
THOMAS
Oh, preach to them, sista!
CAPT. SMITH comes between them.
31.

CAPT. SMITH
Hey! Hey! C'mon! C'mon! Knock it
off!
(to the rest of the cops)
They are right! Where were you
guys?! Where were all of you
"cops"? Only three cop cars were at
the scene?! I thought we have more.
Good things these guys save you--
No. No. Our asses.
(beat)
These guys are our heroes, so start
give 'em some respect, goddamn it!
The room silenced.
SLATER
Cap, remember your blood pressure.
CAPT. SMITH
You know what! You guys, Take the
day off. Enjoy it. Please, you guys
deserve this.
CANTOR, NEVILLE and LEROY unsatisfied.
NEVILLE
That's not fair!
CAPT. SMITH
Next time catch the bad guys!
SLATER, MICHAELS, BRODY, COOPER, JENNINGS and THOMAS, all
smile as they leave the precinct. CAPT. SMITH asks SLATER to
stay.
Slater, walk with me.
SLATER walks with CAPT. SMITH.
TRACKING SHOT ON SLATER AND CAPT. SMITH
(walking)
I’m telling you. This bust will put
you over the top with the detective
thing. I TiVo’d the news and I will
give that to the chief of
detective, to smooth things over.
32.

SLATER
(walking)
Really?
CAPT. SMITH
(walking)
Yeah, think of it as your audition
tape.
CAPT. SMITH opens his office’s door. Stops SLATER.
For now, all you have to do is
go home. Take the day off. Fuck
your wife or something.
SLATER
O-- Okay.
SLATER tries to leave. CAPT. SMITH stops him again.
CAPT. SMITH
Fuck her hard, Chris!
SLATER leaves CAPT. SMITH. As SLATER about to leave the
precinct, CAPT. SMITH YELLS.
Fuck her good, son. I want to see
you walk weird tomorrow!
(beat)
With a cane!
(beat)
I wanna see you park your car in
the handicap parking lot!
SLATER leaves the precinct with a disgusted face.
INT. SLATER’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
SLATER and his beautiful wife, KATIE (29), are having sex.
SLATER’S interview tape is on. They both pant.
KATIE
(panting)
Fuck me, hero.
SLATER
(panting)
Oh yeah. I'm a hero.
SLATER GRUNTS.
33.

KATIE
(panting)
Uh-huh. I'm fucking a hero.
SLATER
(panting)
Yeah. I'm Peter Parker. Oh, yeah.
They both grunt.
KATIE
(panting)
No. No, he's a dork.
SLATER
(panting)
Uh, okay, Superman. I'm Superman.
KATIE
(panting)
No. Too gay.
SLATER stops humping.
SLATER
Who then?
KATIE
I don't know, just don't stop.
SLATER humps again.
SLATER
(panting)
I'm John McClane. Yippi Kay Yay,
Motherfucker!
KATIE
(panting)
Too bald.
SLATER
(panting)
Fuck it, I’m Dolph Lundgren.
(in Austrian accent)
Yeah. I am fucking you.
KATIE
(panting)
That’s fucking Arnold.
SLATER
(panting)
I don’t give a shit.
34.

SLATER humps KATIE until the break of dawn.
INT. CLARK COUNTY POLICE DEPARTMENT - NEXT DAY
SLATER walks in the precinct. JENNINGS is crying about
something. THOMAS, BRODY and MICHAELS try to calm her. SLATER
walks toward them.
SLATER
Hey, what’s going on?
BRODY
Cooper’s dead.
SLATER shocked.
SLATER
What?!
MICHAELS
Jennings was supposed to go out on
a date with Cooper last night, but
he didn't show. So, she checked out
his house, found Coop on the bed
with his gun.
JENNINGS sobs, hard. BRODY hugs her. SLATER crouches down.
Offers condolences to BRODY and JENNINGS.
SLATER
God, I’m so sorry, you guys. Jon, I
know he was a great partner to you.
BRODY
He was a great partner.
SLATER
And Steph, I’m so sorry. I always
thought that he would be a great
lover for you. I’m so sorry.
JENNINGS still sobs. Covers her face with BRODY’S shoulder.
SLATER stands up.
THOMAS
That’s not all. Someone broke into
the evidence room and stole all the
cocaine.
SLATER
You've got to be kidding me. Just
the cocaine?
35.

MICHAELS
Yeah.
SLATER
That’s weird. Why just take the
cocaine? There's a lot stuff to
take in the evidence room. Is the
confiscated money still there?
MICHAELS
No. No, that's not what I meant. I
mean why the cocaine that we just
got. Right?
THOMAS
You thinking what I'm thinking?
SLATER
Yeah.
(beat)
What? What do I think?
THOMAS
Jesus Christ, Chris. I'm saying
that--
THOMAS looks around. SLATER and MICHAELS follow.
THOMAS (CONT’D)
(whispers)
I'm saying that Cooper's death and
the cocaine being stolen might be a
connection.
SLATER
(whispers)
Yeah, Cooper’s too smart to kill
himself.
MICHAELS
(whispers)
That's exactly it. That what we're
saying.
SLATER thinks of something.
SLATER
Was there any signs of forced entry
in the evidence room?
THOMAS
A little, but not a lot. The
cameras aren't working.
36.

SLATER
Fuck. It's an inside job. Someone
in this office is giving
information or a part of it or
something.
SLATER, MICHAELS and THOMAS look to every cop. Suspicion
begins to creep.
MICHAELS
Fuck.
SLATER
My guess is Cooper got something
that they killed him. It all makes
sense now. With the time line.
BRODY comes close.
BRODY
About that, before Cooper died he
sent me this message.
MICHAELS
What’s the message?
BRODY
Not here. Not here.
BRODY shakes his head. MICHAELS nods.
CAPT. SMITH comes out of his office.
CAPT. SMITH
Listen up, men.
All of the cops turn to CAPT. SMITH.
As you all know, we lost one of our
own. Brian Cooper. This is a sad
day for all of us to lose Brian
like this. We've got this black
band, I cordially encourage you all
to wear this in memory of Cooper.
CAPT. SMITH hands out black bands for everyone.
Even though this is a bad day for
all of us, the city still needs us.
So go out there and be safe. That's
all.
37.

CAPT. SMITH goes to his office. Comes back with another
announcement.
Oh, and on other thing. You guys
must've heard that some evidence
were stolen. It's being
investigated. We'll get that
motherfuckers that made us look
like schmucks, okay. That's it. Be
safe, you guys.
EXT. CLARK COUNTY POLICE DEPARTMENT - PARKING LOT - DAY
SLATER and MICHAELS walk to their car. BRODY runs to them.
BRODY
Guys, listen to this.
BRODY opens his cell phone and plays the recording.
COOPER (O.S.)
(over the cell phone)
Brode, it's me. Listen carefully,
okay. I found out who the cocaine
belongs to. And you won't believe
who it is. I stashed a video in the
secret place. You go get it, okay.
BRODY closes the phone.
MICHAELS
“Secret place?”
BRODY
Me and Cooper have this secret
stashing place.
SLATER
Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
Brody, you get that video. Tell
Jennings and Thomas to look at
Cooper's place. You know, check for
clues or something. Me and Michaels
gonna check on the driver we
caught. Are we clear?
BRODY
Yeah.
MICHAELS
Clear.
38.

SLATER (CONT’D)
Okay, Break!
BRODY goes to his car. As SLATER about to enter the car, he
glances at CANTOR, standing on the precinct’s door. CANTOR
stares at SLATER. Flicks his toothpick. SLATER enters the
car.
INT. PRISON - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
DRIVER is in the room. SLATER and MICHAELS walk in the room.
MICHAELS glares at DRIVER. Trying to intimidate him. DRIVER
scoffs.
DRIVER
Are you serious?
SLATER grabs a chair. Sits down. MICHAELS still standing.
Still glaring.
SLATER
What?
DRIVER
You're doing the bad cop/good cop
routine.
SLATER
No, we’re not.
DRIVER
Cut the shit!
(points to SLATER)
You’re the good cop.
(points to MICHAELS)
You’re the bad cop. And FYI, I'm
not scared of you. I kicked your
ass before.
SLATER turns to MICHAELS.
SLATER
What?! I thought you kicked his
ass?
MICHAELS YELLS at DRIVER.
MICHAELS
I kicked your ass, you shitface!
DRIVER points back to SLATER.
39.

DRIVER
If he came as the bad cop, I'd be--
Maybe, get scared, because I don't
know him.
SLATER
(to MICHAELS)
To be fair, he's got a point.
MICHAELS
Oh yeah?! You think I'm not bad
enough!
MICHAELS pulls out his gun. Walks toward DRIVER. SLATER goes
with MICHAELS’S scheme.
SLATER
Michaels, what are you doing?!
MICHAELS
Don’t worry! I’m handling this!
SLATER
Oh, no. My partner has lost his
mind!
DRIVER still not impressed.
MICHAELS
(to DRIVER)
Not bad enough? What if I cock the
gun?
MICHAELS cocks the gun.
SLATER
What is he going to do next?!
MICHAELS walks slowly. Stops in front of DRIVER.
MICHAELS
How 'bout if I shove it down your
throat, you whore?!
MICHAELS shoves the tip of his gun into DRIVER’S mouth.
SLATER
Ew.
MICHAELS
Yeah! You don't wanna jerk this
gun. 'Cause if this gun blows.
Believe me. It will blow your
brains out. Literally.
40.

SLATER
All right, too far. Michaels, pull
your gun out of his mouth. Pull it
out.
SLATER grabs MICHAELS away. SLATER and MICHAELS turn their
backs to DRIVER.
SLATER (CONT’D)
(whispers)
What are you doing, man? This isn't
scaring.
MICHAELS
(whispers)
I think I got him scared. My plan
worked.
SLATER
(whispers)
Worked? Michaels, you molested his
mouth. What's wrong with you?
(beat)
Don’t answer that, just follow my
lead.
MICHAELS
All right!
SLATER
Okay, Break!
MICHAELS
Why do you keep saying that? The
break thing. We're not in a
football game.
SLATER scoffs. SLATER and MICHAELS turn to DRIVER. They sit.
SLATER pours a glass of water for DRIVER. Gives it to him.
SLATER
First of all, I'm sorry for my
partner. Putting a gun in your
mouth. How is your mouth anyway?
Did it taste good?
DRIVER
What?
SLATER
Never mind. What is your name, good
sir?
41.

DRIVER
My name is Peter.
SLATER
Well Peter, my name is Chris and
this is my partner Jeff. I'm going
straight to the point, okay. You
know why we're here, right? You
were transporting illegal drugs.
100k of pure cocaine.
MICHAELS
It's not all pure. Maybe 85% pure.
SLATER
(to MICHAELS)
You tasted it?!
MICHAELS
A little. I used my pinky.
SLATER
(to PETER)
Anyway, we would like to know who
gave you the order for the
transport and the destination.
PETER
I don't know any names, man.
MICHAELS
Give us names, now!
PETER
I really don’t know.
SLATER
Peter, let me tell you a story
that'll make you shit in your
stomach.
PETER
Oh, God.
MICHAELS
You might ask, is it possible to
shit in your stomach?
SLATER answers it.
SLATER
It is possible!
PETER rolls his eyes. SLATER stands up. Begins his story.
42.

SLATER (CONT’D)
(low intense voice)
I killed a man during an
interrogation once.
(beat)
Right in this room.
MICHAELS
(low intense voice)
In this very room.
SLATER strolls around the room. MICHAELS glares at PETER.
SLATER
(low intense voice)
It was summer. It was hot. The
room’s temperature was sizzling.
MICHAELS
(low intense voice)
Like Lucifer's anus.
PETER
Please stop.
SLATER
(in Godfather’s voice)
I questioned this guy. I questioned
him time after time after time--
MICHAELS
(in Tony Montana’s voice)
After time.
SLATER
But he didn’t speak one word.
MICHAELS
Not a word.
SLATER
I started to bang him. I banged him
hard.
MICHAELS
Hardcore. Man on man hardcore.
PETER
Stop.
SLATER
I banged his head over and over
again.
(points to the table)
43.
(MORE)

Right on that table. I blacked out.
When I came through, the guy was
dead. Blood dripping from his
mouth. But what did I do?
MICHAELS
What did he do?
MICHAELS shrugs.
SLATER
I picked him up and banged his head
again.
MICHAELS
Ruthless.
SLATER
No, I thought he was faking. I
didn't realize it until the
paramedic came to the room.
(beat)
His blood just sprayed all over the
place. I licked it.
MICHAELS
Blood juice. Good for your health.
SLATER
And you know why am I not arrested?
MICHAELS shrugs.
MICHAELS
Who knows?
SLATER sits down. Points to his badge.
SLATER
Because I am a cop.
MICHAELS
(slams the table)
A motherfucking cop!
SLATER and MICHAELS just stare at PETER.
BEAT.
Still staring. PETER finally cracks.
PETER
OKAY! FINE! If it'll get both of
you out of my face!
44.
SLATER (CONT'D)
(MORE)

I really don't know any names. My
partner, the one you guys shot, he
was the one they gave the order to.
I'm just the driver.
MICHAELS
Hm, I guess we shot the wrong guy.
PETER
We stopped at this corner. My
partner bought something from this
dealer and they talked for a little
while, I didn't hear much, but they
were talking about the coke.
SLATER
So this dealer, he knows about the
cocaine?
PETER
What did I just say?
SLATER
Jezz, touchy touchy, huh?
MICHAELS
The dealer. What’s his name?
PETER
His name is Barney.
SLATER and MICHAELS wait for the last name.
SLATER
What’s his last name? He’s got a
last name, right?
PETER looks to SLATER. Then to MICHAELS.
PETER
I don't want to say. You'll
probably think I made him up.
SLATER
C'mon. What could be worse than
Barney?
PETER
It’s Dick. His name is Barney Dick.
SLATER and MICHAELS hold back laugh. They make jokes.
45.
PETER (CONT'D)

SLATER
High school must’ve been tough for
this guy!
MICHAELS
I keep thinking about Barney the
dinosaur with a purple dick.
They all laugh.
EXT. PRISON - PARKING LOT - DAY
SLATER and MICHAELS walk to their car.
SLATER
That was easy.
MICHAELS
I know. I didn't have to pull out
my dick this time.
SLATER and MICHAELS enter their car.
INT. UNKNOWN LOCATION - NIGHT
In the dark room, unknown men discuss about their plot to
kill all of the cops involved in the drug bust.
UNKNOWN #1
We have to kill all of them now!
UNKNOWN #2
Do we really have to?
UNKNOWN #3
Of course we have to, you idiot!
UNKNOWN #1
Yeah, asshole, because of you, we
had to kill that copper.
UNKNOWN #2
How many times do I have to
explain? I closed the door, I heard
a click.
UNKNOWN #1
THERE WAS NO CLICK!
UNKNOWN #3
THERE WAS NO CLICK!
UNKNOWN #4 gently pulls out a .9mm. Puts it on the desk.
46.

UNKNOWN #4
(points to UNKNOWN #2)
I swear to the Father, Son and the
Holy Spirit themselves, I'm gonna
put bullets right into your
asshole.
UNKNOWN #4 slides his pointing to UNKNOWN #1 and UNKNOWN #3.
UNKNOWN #4 (CONT’D)
(pointing)
And the bullets are gonna come out
of his mouth into both of your
mouths and exit your assholes.
Taking all of your SHITS WITH THEM!
UNKNOWN #3
God, that's innovatively
disgusting.
UNKNOWN #2
Wait, how do the bullets come out
of my mouth to theirs? Are we
kissing?
UNKNOWN #1
Are you done? Any more gay
comments?
UNKNOWN #4
SHUT THE FUCK UP!
The room silenced.
UNKNOWN #4 (CONT’D)
Listen up, we got our stuff back,
that’s a plus. Now, we got to clean
some shit. That happens, we just
have to deal with it. My little
birdie said that there’s a fucking
tape?
UNKNOWN #1
There’s a tape.
UNKNOWN #4
We have no choice. Kill ‘Em, Kill
‘Em al--
Suddenly, a male Hispanic janitor walks into the room.
Carries a mop.
47.

JANITOR
(Spanish accent)
So sorry. Por favor.
They all stare at each other. BEAT.
UNKNOWN #4
Goddamn it! Kill him too.
UNKNOWN #2
Okay.
UNKNOWN #2 pulls out his gun. Points it to JANITOR.
JANITOR
AY DIOS FUCKING MIO!
UNKNOWN #4 YELLS.
UNKNOWN #4
STOP! Not in here, you dumbfuck.
You'll ruin my carpet.
UNKNOWN #2 and UNKNOWN #3 drags JANITOR out of the room.
UNKNOWN #1
We need a new hideout.
UNKNOWN #4
You think?!
INT. COOPER’S HOUSE - DAY
THOMAS and JENNINGS search COOPER’S house for evidence. They
bring their own personal forensic guy, FORENSIC FRANK.
FORENSIC FRANK brushes furniture for prints. THOMAS and
JENNINGS look around.
THOMAS
What kind of sick bastard shoots a
man while he’s in bed?
FORENSIC FRANK
Maybe because the bed's peaceful.
You know, warm sheets.
THOMAS
Mind your own business, boy! I
brought you here not to chat.
FORENSIC FRANK stands up. Points to JENNINGS.
48.

FORENSIC FRANK
Actually, she's the one who brought
me along. Not you, big guy.
THOMAS
Why you littl-- Go to the other
room!
FORENSIC FRANK scoffs.
FORENSIC FRANK
Jeez, okay, Dad.
FORENSIC FRANK leaves for the other room. JENNINGS finds a
picture of her. Taken by COOPER.
CLOSE UP ON JENNINGS’S PICTURE.
JENNINGS sits on COOPER’S bed. Grabs a blanket. Sniffs it.
JENNINGS starts to feel sad again. Sighs.
JENNINGS
Oh, Brian.
THOMAS sits beside JENNINGS. Comforts her.
THOMAS
I know it's tough, baby girl. I can
tell, you like him a lot. And I'm
not just saying this, but you guys
would make a great couple.
JENNINGS
I know we would.
JENNINGS keeps staring at her picture. THOMAS glances at the
picture.
THOMAS
Cooper took this picture?
JENNINGS
Yeah.
THOMAS
He must really like you.
JENNINGS
Mm-hm.
(beat)
But check out how hot I am in this
picture.
49.

THOMAS glares at JENNINGS. JENNINGS looks to the glaring
THOMAS.
JENNINGS (CONT’D)
But it still sad. I'm devastated.
THOMAS grabs JENNINGS by the arm. Face to face.
THOMAS
Let me tell you this, we are going
to take them down. Every last one
of them. Every last one of that
SPINELESS! PUSSY-ASSLICKING!
DICKGRABBING! CUNTFACE!
MOTHERFUCKERS!
JENNINGS stares at THOMAS. THOMAS notices.
THOMAS (CONT’D)
What?
JENNINGS
You just spat on my face.
THOMAS lets her go. JENNINGS wipes her face.
FORENSIC FRANK (O.C.)
(over the door)
You guys done with the love affair?
THOMAS and JENNINGS looks to the door. FORENSIC FRANK stands
at the door.
THOMAS
Shut up asshole, you got anything?
FORENSIC FRANK
Nope, not yet.
THOMAS
You know, if this was C.S.I., they
would be cuffing the bad guys by
now.
FORENSIC FRANK
Yeah, I don’t give a shit. You
should get out though.
THOMAS
Why?
JENNINGS
Because we might step on something.
Destruct any evidence.
50.

FORENSIC FRANK
Bingo, bango, bongo. Not just a
pretty face with an ass that won't
quit, are ya?
(beat)
Boobs so massive, you just wanna
motorboat it.
(beat)
Lips so sexy, it would feel like
kissing Scarlett Johansson and
Angelina Jolie all togethe--
JENNINGS
Dude, you have got to stop!
THOMAS
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
FORENSIC FRANK
I'm a disgusting guy. What'cha
gonna do about it?
THOMAS
Whatever. You got our numbers,
yeah?
FORENSIC FRANK nods. THOMAS and JENNINGS leaves the house.
MICHAELS is talking to someone on his cell phone.
MICHAELS
(to the phone)
Damn it. Talk to you later, Sean.
MICHAELS closes his phone.
SLATER
So?
MICHAELS
No. Sean said there's no records of
any Barney Dick. Or any Dicks. I
think we got duped by that bitch
whore. Let's talk to him again.
SLATER
Relax, Peter said that this Barney
Dick changed places all the time.
He's not lying.
51.

MICHAELS
What do we do now?
MICHAELS looks to the calm SLATER. Confused.
MICHAELS (CONT’D)
Why are you so relaxed?
SLATER
I know this guy. I mean, I heard
about this guy. He's a weed dealer.
This guy knows inside out about any
dealers, deals. Anything you want
to know, he knows it.
MICHAELS
Who is it?
SLATER
Saul. Saul something.
(beat)
Silver. I think it’s Silver.
MICHAELS
Cool. We're going to him now?
SLATER
Yup.
MICHAELS
We should buy some weed while we're
there.
MICHAELS (CONT’D)
Definitely.
MICHAELS turns on a radio show.
DALE (O.S.)
(over the radio)
This KRWROK, 91.10, with Dale
Denton. Prepare as you're about to
get D'd.
I/E. SAUL’S APARTMENT - DAY
SLATER and MICHAELS come up the stairs.
MICHAELS
So nice for that old lady to open
the door for us.
52.

SLATER
She didn’t have to grab my crotch
though.
SLATER and MICHAELS arrive at SAUL’S apartment. SLATER
knocks.
SLATER (CONT’D)
Saul, open up.
MICHAELS hears steps from the other side of the door.
MICHAELS
He’s coming.
SAUL (O.S.)
(over the door)
Who is it?
MICHAELS
It’s the po--
SAUL (O.S.)
(over the door)
Hey, Dale!
SAUL opens the door. SAUL looks to MICHAELS. BEAT. SAUL looks
to MICHAELS from bottom to top. Turns to SLATER. SAUL finally
realizes they are cops. SCREAMS.
SAUL (CONT’D)
OH, SHIT! PIGS!
SAUL runs to his room. SLATER chases SAUL.
SLATER
HEY! COMEBACK HERE, YOU HIPPIE
SHIT! MICHAELS, GUARD THE DOOR!
MICHAELS stays behind. BEAT. SLATER runs out to the living
room. SCREAMS.
SLATER (CONT’D)
MICHAELS, HE’S PACKING HEAT! HIT
THE DECK!
SAUL comes out with an AK-47. SLATER and MICHAELS quickly run
to the kitchen counter. Hide behind it. SAUL shoots in every
direction.
SAUL
DIE! YOU FUCKING VAGINAS!
MICHAELS pulls out his gun. SLATER stops him.
53.

SLATER
Are you crazy?! We need him.
MICHAELS
He is shooting at us! And holding
it sideways!
SLATER
Just--
(shouts to SAUL)
Saul, stop shooting at us!
SAUL stops shooting.
SAUL
WHAT?!
SLATER
We’re here just to talk!
SAUL
Yeah, right! I ain't buying
anything you're selling.
MICHAELS
We're not selling anything! You're
the weed dealer!
SAUL
First of all, I'm a weed liaison,
asshole! Second of all, it was a
figure speech. Get an education,
bitch!
SLATER
Okay, here's what we gonna do. My
partner and I are going to give up
our guns. Just so you know we're
not lying.
MICHAELS smacks SLATER by the arm.
MICHAELS
(whispers)
Fuck that! I say we shoot his legs
and get physical!
SLATER
(whispers)
Michaels, I know that he called you
an asshole and a bitch. But trust
me on this.
54.

MICHAELS
(whispers)
Fine! But if he calls me a bitch
one more time, I'm gonna take him
to a gay bar and let them have him.
SLATER
Okay, Saul. We're putting our guns
on the counter.
ANGLE ON SAUL LOOKING AT TWO HANDS HOLD TWO GUNS FROM BEHIND
THE COUNTER.
SLATER and MICHAELS put their guns on the kitchen counter.
SAUL
Good. Now throw them to me.
MICHAELS
To the ground or directly to you?
BEAT.
SAUL
I don't know. What do you
recommend?
SLATER
To the ground?
SAUL
Okay, throw the guns to the ground
in my direction. And make sure the
safeties are on. I don't wanna get
shot by unattended guns.
SLATER
The safeties ar--
SLATER and MICHAELS take their guns back. BEAT. Put them back
on the counter.
SLATER (CONT’D)
On.
SLATER slides the two guns to the floor. SAUL throws away his
AK-47. Picks up the guns.
SAUL
Good, I'm out anyway. Now get the
fuck up!
SLATER and MICHAELS stand up with their hands up.
55.

SLATER
Just relax, Mr. Silver.
SAUL
The name's Saul. Mr. Silver is my
sex-changed dad. It's Mrs. Silver
now.
MICHAELS
Be cool, man.
SAUL
I'm cool, homes. I'm a cool,
vibrating cucumber inside a girl's
pussy.
SLATER and MICHAELS make disgusted faces.
SAUL (CONT’D)
What the fuck do you guys want?
SLATER
Can we lower our hands? Mine's
getting really numb.
SAUL
Yeah. Yeah. No blood flow may lead
to carpal tunnel syndrome.
Circulation.
SLATER and MICHAELS lower their hands.
SLATER
We're here just to get information
abou--
SAUL
Is this about Ted Jones? Or that
lady cop I killed? Are you working
for him? You working for his ghost?
Ted The Unfriendly Ghost sent you
to kill me?
SAUL holds the guns sideways.
MICHAELS
WAIT! We're really not gonna
fucking kill you!
SLATER stares at SAUL, intensely.
SLATER
Go ahead. Make my fucking day.
56.

MICHAELS turns to SLATER.
MICHAELS
Are you fucking crazy, Clit
Eastwood?!
SAUL pulls the trigger on SLATER’S gun. CLICK. CLICK. Nothing
happens. SLATER smiles. Pulls out the gun’s clip.
SLATER
Sorry about that.
(to MICHAELS)
You did the same thing, right?
MICHAELS
Was I supposed to?
SLATER turns to MICHAELS. Glaring.
SLATER
Are you kidding me?! You're telling
me, I was smiling to a loaded gun?!
Why do I have to do every-- NOW!
SLATER charges down. Tackles SAUL to the ground.
SAUL
FUCK!
SLATER and SAUL wrestle for the gun. SLATER manages to wrap
his hands and legs on SAUL.
SLATER
MICHAELS, GRAB THE GUN! GRAB THE
GUN!
SAUL elbows SLATER in the nose.
SAUL
Fuck you! You go to hell!
SLATER
My nose! You asshole!
SAUL
I'm not the asshole! You're the
asshole, asshole!
MICHAELS jumps in. Grabs SAUL by the arms. They roll on the
ground. Somehow SAUL ended up in the middle.
SAUL (CONT’D)
I'm sandwiched! Gay sandwiched!
57.

SLATER
Michaels, keep him down!
MICHAELS
I am trying!
SAUL
Try this, bitch!
SAUL bites MICHAELS’S arm. MICHAELS SCREAMS.
MICHAELS
HE'S BITING ME! HE'S BITING ME! HE
HASN'T BRUSH HIS TEETH IN AWHILE!
MICHAELS GROANS.
MICHAELS (CONT’D)
EW!
MICHAELS uses his other hand to punch SAUL’S face. Over and
over again.
MICHAELS (CONT’D)
LET GO! LET GO! LET GO!
MICHAELS takes one last powerful punch. SAUL finally passed
out. SLATER and MICHAELS let go of their grips.
MICHAELS (CONT’D)
I need tetanus shot. Or rabies.
SLATER
Did you kill him?
CUT TO BLACK
FADE IN
INT. SAUL’S APARTMENT - DAY
SAUL wakes up. Blinks his eyes. Sees SLATER and MICHAELS
standing in front of him. SAUL looks at his hand. Cuffed to
the radiator. SLATER holds a frozen meat against his face.
SAUL
Is this really necessary?
SLATER
You tried to kill us, you fucker!
You broke my nose!
58.

SLATER points to his broken nose.
SAUL
You punched my face!
SLATER
I didn't do it! He did!
SAUL turns to MICHAELS.
SAUL
Oh, yeah. You did. Good job, buddy.
MICHAELS
Yeah, I did. After you bit me!
With your awful disgraced of teeth!
SAUL
Hey! I flossed! Maybe a plaque or
two, but still.
SAUL points to a joint on the coffee table.
SAUL (CONT’D)
Hey, can you get me that roach?
SLATER
No, we need you coherent.
SAUL
Aw, come on man. Just one hit. I'm
in pain here.
SLATER
Well, you deserved it.
SAUL points to his frozen meat.
SAUL
That's my dinner, by the way. Try
not to get any blood or hair on it.
SLATER
Sorry, man. I'll put it back in the
fridge.
SLATER goes to the kitchen. MICHAELS watches SAUL.
SAUL
You know, you look like my buddy,
Dale. Aside from the gay mustache.
MICHAELS
Why everybody keep saying that?
59.

SAUL
Cause it's so fucking obvious.
Anyway, my buddy, Dale. Are you
related or something? He used to be
a protest servant.
MICHAELS
What? Like a butler? Chauffeur?
SAUL
That's exactly what I said, but no.
(beat)
Shit, what did he do? I think
better when I'm high. I think he
used to service protester.
MICHAELS
Like a prostitute? Man-whore?
SAUL
No. No. Dale's not a two-dollar
hooker with Lime Disease.
MICHAELS
It's Lyme. With a Y.
SAUL
No, man, it's lime. You get it when
you eat too much lime. Anyway, he
has a radio show now.
MICHAELS
No way. Not Dale Denton?!
SAUL
Yeah, yeah. Dale Denton. We're like
mad fucking tight. BFFF.
SAUL shows his gold necklace with an engraving on it.
MICHAELS leans forward.
CLOSE UP ON THE GOLDEN NECKLACE.
ENGRAVING: "SAUL, DALE AND RED, BEST FUCKING FRIENDS
FOREVER.”
MICHAELS
Best Fucking Friends Forever.
That's sweet. Who's Red?
SAUL
That's my other buddy. We're like a
threesome.
60.

MICHAELS
Can you get me an autograph?
SAUL
From Red? I guess I could get--
MICHAELS
No, I meant Dale’s autograph.
SAUL
Oh, right. Sure. Sure. That makes
way more sense. No problemo, amigo.
MICHAELS
All right. You’re kinda cool, man.
SAUL
Thanks, you're not bad yourself.
SLATER comes back from the kitchen.
SLATER
There's like twenty expired things
in the fridge. You should buy new
food.
SAUL
I can't. I'm cuffed.
SLATER
Tha--
SLATER sighs. SLATER notices that SAUL’S eyes are glassy.
SLATER (CONT’D)
Are you-- Are you high right now?
How can you be high? We didn't give
you any weed.
SAUL
When I was out, I dreamt I was
smoking the best weed ever. It's
fucking fulfilling.
SLATER
Then how can you be high in real
life?
SAUL
How the fuck should I know?! It's a
puzzler. You know how dreams
transcend into real life. Didn't
you see Freddy Krueger and The
Nightmare Factory?
61.

MICHAELS
There's no such thing as Freddy
Krueger and The Nightmare Factory.
SLATER
Can we just get down to business?
We're her--
SAUL
To kill me.
SLATER
We're not here to kill you! We just
need information about this guy.
MICHAELS
Barney Dick.
SAUL
Yeah! Dicksucker!
MICHAELS
So you know him? You know where he
is?
SAUL
Where’s who?
SLATER
Barney fucking Dick!
SAUL
Oh yeah, right. I spaced out. He's
usually stationed at 10th Burbank
Boulevard. The alley between the
dry cleaners and Mr. Chow's Peking.
MICHAELS’S cell phone rings. MICHAELS checks the screen.
MICHAELS
It’s Brody.
MICHAELS presses his phone against his ear.
MICHAELS (CONT’D)
Brode.
BRODY (O.S.)
(over the phone)
Jeff. I've got it. I've got the
video that Cooper made.
SAUL makes a sales pitch to SLATER. In the b.g., MICHAELS
talks to BRODY on the phone.
62.

SAUL
Hey, man. You need a weed guy? I'm
looking for new buyers. You know,
networking. Take my card. On the
table.
SLATER picks up SAUL’S calling card. Pockets the card.
SAUL (CONT’D)
You call me if you need hookups.
SLATER
I’ll think about it.
MICHAELS approaches SLATER.
MICHAELS
Someone’s after Brody.
SLATER
What? Where is he?
MICHAELS
(to the phone)
Where are you now? We’ll come get
you.
BRODY (O.S.)
(over the phone)
Doesn't matter. Look, the ones
chasing me are at least four men.
They're driving a black van, kinda
like The A-Team van. No plates.
SLATER
Ask him about the tape.
MICHAELS
(to the phone)
Brody, what about the tape? Did you
see it?
BRODY (O.S.)
(over the phone)
Yeah, you’ll never believe who’s
behind all this. It’s Ca-- FUCK!
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - DAY
CAR 75 crashes into an incoming 18 wheeler. BLACK VAN speeds
away.
63.

BEAT.
CAR 75 wrecked. BRODY’S bloody body is on the wrecked hood.
CLOSE UP ON BRODY’S CELL PHONE ON THE GROUND AMONG BROKEN
GLASSES.
MICHAELS (O.S.)
(over the phone)
BRODY! BRODY! ANSWER THE GODDAMN
PHONE, ASSHOLE! ANSWER! YOU KNOW
WHAT, I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE!!
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. HOLY CROSS CEMETERY - MORNING
All of the cops, including SLATER and MICHAELS attend the
funeral of COOPER and BRODY. Dressed in full uniforms. As the
coffins lowered down, a line of marksmen aim their rifles to
the sky. Shoot it, three times. A priest begins his eulogy.
EXT. HOLY CROSS CEMETERY - HOURS LATER
The service is over. SLATER, MICHAELS, JENNINGS and THOMAS
walks together.
TRACKING SHOT ON SLATER, MICHAELS, JENNINGS and THOMAS.
MICHAELS
You guys got anything?
JENNINGS
No, not yet. Frank said he’ll call
us.
THOMAS
Did Brody even get that tape?
SLATER
He said he got it.
MICHAELS
But when we got to the crash site,
it was gone.
THOMAS stops. Followed by the rest.
THOMAS
That's it. This is a fucking hit is
what it is.
64.
(MORE)

Anyone who came in contact with
that coke. Mainly, us, get killed
or about to be killed. We got
bull's-eyes on our heads, I tells
ya!
SLATER
Calm down, Thomas. No need to freak
out.
THOMAS
I can't, man. Do you know what it
feels like waiting for death!? It’s
like watching Taylor Swift singing
and acting. It's excruciating!
(beat)
I put "Don't Fear The Reaper" on.
And it didn't help. I'm still
afraid of the reaper. Scared
shitful!
JENNINGS slaps THOMAS.
JENNINGS
Calm down, woman!
(beat)
And don't talk shit about Taylor
Swift. She's delightful.
MICHAELS
No, she's not. She's just awful.
SLATER puts his hand onto THOMAS’S shoulder.
SLATER
Look, Thomas. We're good, as long
as we watch each other's back.
Okay?
THOMAS breathes deeply. Nods.
SLATER (CONT’D)
Anyway, we can't think about that
right now. We need to pay our
respect.
MICHAELS
Yeah, let's go to Cooper's house.
His mom makes the best pigs in a
blanket.
65.
THOMAS (CONT'D)

JENNINGS
No. The wake's at Brody's. Brody's
house got more space. But the
P.I.A.B. are there, so we're good.
MICHAELS
Let's just go! I'm fucking
starving!
SLATER and MICHAELS split with THOMAS and JENNINGS. SLATER
and MICHAELS head for their car.
TRACKING SHOT ON SLATER AND MICHAELS
SLATER
It's bad luck to curse at a
cemetery.
MICHAELS
Who said that?
SLATER
You know, people. Cursing attract
ghosts.
MICHAELS
That's dumb.
SLATER and MICHAELS arrive to CAR 98. Just as they’re about
to open the doors, BOOM.
WIDE SHOT ON SLATER AND MICHAELS WITH AN EXPLOSION NOT SO FAR
BEHIND.
CAR 88 EXPLODES. Along with THOMAS and JENNINGS in it.
SLATER and MICHAELS stare at the burning car. Shocked. Jaws
dropped.
SLATER
Michaels.
MICHAELS
Yeah?
SLATER
Did you touch our car yet?
MICHAELS
I grazed it.
66.

SLATER and MICHAELS look to each other. Exchange worried
looks. SLATER and MICHAELS step away from CAR 98, slowly.
Start walking. Pacing. Running to the exit.
EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS
SLATER and MICHAELS run.
MICHAELS
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
While running, SLATER pulls out his cell phone. Calls KATIE.
Presses the phone against his ear.
SLATER
(to the phone)
Katie, it's me. Listen, go to your
mom and stay there. It's hard to
explain, just stay there.
SLATER listens to his phone.
SLATER (CONT’D)
(to the phone)
No, I'm not gonna have sex with you
tonight.
(beat)
Sex swing, really? I'm coming hom--
No. No. Just go to your mom's. I'll
explain later.
SLATER closes his cell phone. Run away with MICHAELS.
CUT TO:
EXT. STARBUCKS - CONTINUOUS
SLATER and MICHAELS stops. Catching their breaths.
INT. STARBUCKS - CONTINUOUS
TV broadcasts a breaking news.
TV ANCHOR
The Clark County Police Department
put out pictures of wanted
suspects.
67.
(MORE)

Officer Christopher Slater and
Officer Jeffrey Michaels are wanted
for the murder of four fellow
officers and robbery of confiscated
100 kilograms of cocaine. Which
three days prior, the two officers
were the heroes of the related
cocaine raid.
TV shows SLATER’S picture.
TV ANCHOR (CONT’D)
Officer Christopher Slater. Age 32.
6'1 of height and weigh in at 220
pounds. Likes long walk at the
beach and holding hands with his
wife Katie. Sounds gay to me.
TV shows MICHAELS’S picture.
And Officer Jeffrey Michaels. 28
years of age. 5'11 and 250 pounds.
TV ANCHOR takes a look at MICHAELS’S picture.
Now he looks gay. For sure.
EXT. STARBUCKS - CONTINUOUS
SLATER and MICHAELS watch the news. MICHAELS touches his
mustache.
MICHAELS
I do look like a bear.
SLATER
I call bullshit on that. 220
pounds?! I don’t weigh that much!
SLATER glances at a customer, looking at them. Suspiciously.
SLATER (CONT’D)
Let’s go. Let’s go.
SLATER and MICHAELS flee the premises.
68.
TV ANCHOR (CONT'D)

EXT. 7TH BURBANK BOULEVARD - DAY
SLATER and MICHAELS are in their civilian attires. Avoiding
recognition. They search for BARNEY DICK’S alley. MICHAELS
accidently knocks someone.
MAN (O.C.)
What the fuck! Watch where you're
going, asshole!
SLATER and MICHAELS look to the guy, sitting on the ground.
SLATER
McLovin?
There sits, FOGELL, their old friend. FOGELL picks up his
glasses from the ground. Puts it on. Looks up.
FOGELL
Officer Slater? Officer Michaels?
MICHAELS
It is you!
SLATER
McLovin!
MICHAELS helps FOGELL up.
SLATER (CONT’D)
What are you doing here? I thought
you went to Darthmouth?
FOGELL
I am, I'm just on vacay. Summer
break.
MICHAELS
That’s cool.
SLATER
Look at you, McLovin!
MICHAELS
You've been getting those college
coochies? You McLovin all the hos?
They laugh. FOGELL chuckles.
SLATER
Bagged the D?
MICHAELS
Slurp the Holy Loins?
69.

FOGELL
There's-- Uh. Som--
SLATER
Paint the town white?
MICHAELS
Take the F-Train?
SLATER
Twin-motorboat it?
SLATER makes motorboat sounds. Shakes his head.
MICHAELS
No, seriously. What are you doing
here?
FOGELL
Oh, I just bought some weed.
FOGELL pulls out a bag of marijuana. Shows it.
FOGELL (CONT’D)
Me and my friends gonna smoke it
and get really, really crunked, yo.
It's gonna be tight.
MICHAELS
We're so proud of you, man.
SLATER
Look at you, you're buying your own
weed. It's like we're the gay
couple who adopted you and now our
son's all grown up. Searching for
your own man. Or woman. It's your
choice.
MICHAELS takes the bag of weed. Examines it.
MICHAELS
How much did you pay for this?
FOGELL
15 a quarter.
MICHAELS
This ain't a quarter. It's not even
a half of a quarter. You got
hassled.
SLATER takes out SAUL’S card. Gives it to FOGELL.
70.

SLATER
Here, try this guy. His name is
Saul Silver. 10 bones for a
quarter.
FOGELL
Uh, thanks. Hey, why aren't you
wearing your uniforms?
MICHAELS
You haven’t watch the news? We’re
criminals now.
SLATER
Some guys set us up. Killed a bunch
friends of ours, blamed it on us.
It’s no big deal.
FOGELL
So you guys leaving the county?
SLATER
No, we’re trying to find this guy.
Clear our names sort of stuff.
FOGELL
Cool, can I come? It'll be like old
times.
MICHAELS
We'd love you to come with, but no,
it's dangerously fucked up.
SLATER
Yeah, we don't want to get you
inner then what we're in. You might
die.
MICHAELS
Yeah, you don't wanna die while
still in college. There still so
much weed to smoke. And so much
bush to suck.
SLATER
That's all we ask, McLovin. Smoke
weed. Fuck some girl. You know, for
us.
FOGELL
Okay, I'll try.
MICHAELS
But if we need you, we'll call.
71.

SLATER
Come here, McLovin.
SLATER pulls FOGELL and MICHAELS for a group hug.
FOGELL
I love you guys.
SLATER
We love you too, McLovin.
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. 10TH BURBANK BOULEVARD - DAY
As SLATER and MICHAELS pass an alley, a man comes up to them.
CRACK DEALER
You want that crack, yo?
SLATER
Are you Barney Dick?
BARNEY DICK
Who's asking? You guys cops?
MICHAELS
We're not right now. We used to be.
BARNEY DICK recognizes MICHAELS from the news. Points to
MICHAELS.
BARNEY DICK
Wait a second. You're the-- uh--
The gay mustache cop, right?
MICHAELS
Yeah. Can we move on?
BARNEY DICK
So, you're cop killers?
EXT. 10TH BURBANK BOULEVARD - ALLEY - DAY
SLATER, MICHAELS and BARNEY DICK step in the alley.
SLATER
We were set up!
BARNEY DICK
Yeah, I know.
72.

SLATER
Then you know who's behind this,
right? You could come with us and
tell the news, like the truth.
BARNEY DICK
No fucking way, man. You know what
name they give to a snitch?
MICHAELS
Uh, a snitch?
BARNEY DICK
Worse! A snitch bitch. I ain't a
bitch.
MICHAELS
Cause you’re a Dick.
BARNEY DICK
That's right. The Dickses are a
fucked up family, but we ain't a
snitch. Not me, not my sister,
Selma either.
SLATER and MICHAELS stop. Hold their laughs at the mention of
Selma Dick.
SLATER
So-- So, it’s Selma Dick?
BARNEY DICK
You got problem with that?
SLATER and MICHAELS try so hard not to laugh. Their faces
turn weird.
MICHAELS
Nope, not a problem at all.
Question, how much did she get for
it?
SLATER
Yeah, is this the kinda thing where
she couldn't pay for the sex
change, so she sell her dick to pay
for it?
BARNEY DICK walks away. Insulted.
BARNEY DICK
Good luck, gentlemen. I hope you
guys find what you're looking for.
73.

SLATER stops him.
SLATER
Okay. Okay. Stop. We're sorry.
(beat)
I bet she's a very pretty woman
now.
MICHAELS
Fine. If you don't want to it
publicly, then, you could tell us.
We won't tell no one. We're not
cops, remember?
BARNEY DICK
Okay. As long as you guys promise
you didn't get this from me.
MICHAELS
We promise.
SLATER
Cross my heart and hope you die.
BARNEY DICK
Good, write this down.
BLACK VAN stops abruptly on the front of the alley. Door
opens. Three masked men come out of it.
One masked man shoots BARNEY DICK, twice. BARNEY DICK goes
down. The other masked men try to kidnap SLATER and MICHAELS.
MICHAELS thrown into BLACK VAN. MICHAELS SCREAMS.
MICHAELS
SLATER!!!
SLATER fights back. Kicking and screaming.
SLATER
Michaels! GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS
OFF OF ME!
The driver, MASKED MAN #1 shouts.
MASKED MAN #1
Just kill him.
MASKED MAN #2 shoots SLATER. SLATER drops to the ground. All
of the masked men goes inside BLACK VAN. MASKED MAN #2 closes
the door. The others try to subdue MICHAELS. MICHAELS
SCREAMS.
74.

MICHAELS
NO! YOU FUCKING MURDERERS!
BLACK VAN speeds away.
SLATER sits up. Looks to his arm. The bullet just grazed it.
SLATER GRUNTS. SLATER runs to aid BARNEY DICK.
SLATER
Hey, Dickish. How are you, big guy?
BARNEY DICK
How do you think I'm doing,
retard?! I'm not gonna make it, am
I?
SLATER touches BARNEY DICK’S wound.
SLATER
Chances are slim, see?
SLATER shows his bloody hand to BARNEY DICK.
SLATER (CONT’D)
Look, Barney. Tell me who's behind
all this?
BARNEY DICK coughs blood.
BARNEY DICK
All I know is the head. His name is
Smith something.
SLATER shocked.
SLATER
Alex Smith?! Capt. Alex Smith?
BARNEY DICK
Yeah. That's the one.
SLATER
Motherfucker!
BARNEY DICK
Hey, can I get a hit here? It's
getting pretty brutal. It's in my
pocket.
SLATER pulls out a small bag of cocaine from BARNEY DICK’S
pocket. BARNEY DICK sniffs it.
75.

BARNEY DICK (CONT’D)
That’s the stuff. Now I can die in
peace.
BARNEY DICK takes a long exhale. SLATER waits. BEAT. BARNEY
DICK stops breathing. SLATER checks.
SLATER
Barney?
BARNEY DICK
Yeah?
SLATER rolls his eyes.
SLATER
Would you fucking die already? I've
got to rescue my partner.
BARNEY DICK
Okay, sure. No problem.
BARNEY DICK takes another long exhale. BEAT. No movement.
SLATER punches BARNEY DICK’S crotch. No response.
SLATER runs to the street.
EXT. 10TH BURBANK BOULEVARD - CONTINUOUS
SLATER stops right on a busy road. SLATER sees a ‘65 Mustang
heading his way. Pulls out his gun. Points to it.
SLATER
STOP! STOP IN THE NAME OF THE LAW!
The mustang runs over SLATER. SLATER drops to the ground.
Still conscious. A minivan stops. The owner runs to SLATER.
GUY
Hey, mister. Are you all right?
SLATER grunts. Looks to the minivan.
SLATER
Fuck it.
SLATER points his gun to GUY. Threatens him.
SLATER (CONT’D)
Give me your keys! Give me your
keys!
76.

GUY
No way! I got a wife that's about
to go into labor!
SLATER
Listen. Listen. What's your name?
GUY
Jim.
SLATER
Jim, my partner’s been kidnapped.
If I don't get to him in time. He
might die.
JIM
What about my wife?
SLATER
How far along is she?!
JIM
Her water just broke.
SLATER
Good, I'm coming with you. I'm on
my way to hospital anyway. You
drive.
SLATER and JIM enter the minivan.
INT. MINIVAN - CONTINUOUS
JIM steps hard on the accelerator. SLATER sits shotgun. Turns
to the backseat. There sit JIM’S pregnant wife and their two
kids. WIFE sees the gun.
WIFE
Who the hell is this?! Is that a
gun?!
SLATER
Hi, I'm Chris. I'm tagging along.
JIM
Meet my wife, Becca. My son, Tyler
and my daughter, Jamie.
JIM runs over all of the red lights.
77.

SLATER
Nice to meet you.
(to the kids)
How you doin' guys?
SLATER uses his cell phone’s GPS to track MICHAELS’S phone.
SLATER shows it to JIM.
SLATER (CONT’D)
Here, follow this.
JIM sees the route.
JIM
This is not the way to the
hospital!
SLATER
That's right. I lied. If you don't
do as I told. I'm gonna shoot your
family.
SLATER turns to the backseat. Whispers.
SLATER (CONT’D)
(whispers)
I'm not really gonna shoot you.
JIM forcefully agrees.
JIM
Fine, you fudger!
JAMIE
Daddy, what's a fudger?
BECCA answers.
BECCA
Fudger is person who gets you hot
fudge, honey.
TYLER
I want hot fudge. I want hot fudge.
JAMIE
Mr. Fudger. Can I get one too?
SLATER
After this, kids.
78.

INT. BLACK VAN - CONTINUOUS
MASKED MAN #2 still trying to subdue MICHAELS. MICHAELS keeps
fighting back.
MICHAELS
FUCK YOU ASSHOLES! WHERE ARE YOU
TAKING ME?! I'LL FUCK YOU UP,
BITCH! COME ON!
MASKED MAN #1
WILL YOU SHUT HIM UP?!
MASKED MAN #2
CAN YOU SEE I'M FUCKING TRYING!
(to MASKED MAN #3 and #4)
Fucking help me!
MASKED MAN #3 and MASKED MAN #4 just sit.
MASKED MAN #4
You didn't pay us for this.
MASKED MAN #3
We’re here just for the kidnapping.
MASKED MAN #2 GRUNTS.
MASKED MAN #2
WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS?!
MASKED MAN #4
Uh, subduing a gay bear with pubes
for a mustache.
MICHAELS
HEY! You are dead, masked man!
MICHAELS scratches the hell out of MASKED MAN #2. Manages to
unmasked him. MICHAELS stares.
MICHAELS (CONT’D)
Ambrose?
MASKED MAN #3 steps in. Knocks MICHAELS out.
MASKED MAN #3
You're welcome. That's gonna cost
you extra.
MASKED MAN #2
What are you? A hooker?
MASKED MAN #2 goes to the passenger seat.
79.

MASKED MAN #2 (CONT’D)
He saw me. We got to kill him.
MASKED MAN #1
Not yet, boss said we need him.
MASKED MAN #1 drives BLACK VAN into a highway.
SLATER searches for BLACK VAN. Meanwhile, BECCA breathes hard
and fast. She’s having contraction. Pants.
BECCA
JIM! GET ME TO A HOSPITAL! NOW!
JIM
Just breath, honey. Just breath
slowly.
BECCA
YOU TRY BREATHING WITH A YACHT
COMING OUT OF YOUR DI--
BECCA looks to JAMIE and TYLER. Cleans her shouting.
BECCA (CONT’D)
YOUR THING-A-DING-DING!
SLATER finds BLACK VAN.
SLATER
There! Go! Go! Go!
JIM hits the pedal, hard.
EXT. HIGHWAY - CONTINUOUS
MINIVAN takes a hard turn. Goes to the highway. Chases BLACK
VAN.
MASKED MAN #3 sees MINIVAN behind.
MASKED MAN #3
There’s a minivan coming our way.
MASKED MAN #1
Probably some soccer mom.
80.

MINIVAN comes to the side of BLACK VAN. Rams it.
BECCA angrily shouts at JIM.
BECCA
What the hell, Jim?! Our kids are
in the car!
JIM
It was fudgin' adrenaline, baby! I
feel like an action hero.
MASKED MAN #4 opens BLACK VAN’S door. Carries a machine gun.
Aims to MINIVAN. SLATER sticks his head out. Shouts.
SLATER
HEY! THERE ARE KIDS AND A PREGNANT
WOMAN INSIDE!
SLATER points to the backseat. MASKED MAN #4 sees BECCA
panting, TYLER jumping around and JAMIE waving at him. MASKED
MAN #4 waves back.
SLATER (CONT’D)
YOU KILL THEM, THEN YOU ARE A
MONSTER! DO YOU WANT THAT IN YOUR
CONSCIENCE?!
MASKED MAN #4 stands down.
MASKED MAN #4 turns to MASKED MAN #1.
MASKED MAN #4
He’s using a pregnant woman and two
adorable kids!
MASKED MAN #3
You gotta say, that's smart.
MASKED MAN #2
Give me the gun!
MASKED MAN #2 grabs the machine gun.
81.

JIM stares at SLATER. Shouts at him.
JIM
You used my family as a shield! Are
you out of your freaking mind?!
SLATER
It worked, didn't it?!
BECCA
JIM, LOOK OUT!
BECCA points to a car right in front of them. JIM steers a
hard left. They all SCREAM.
JIM steers back the van to its course. BECCA SCREAMS.
BECCA (CONT’D)
YOU SON OF A HITCH! YOU GET ME TO A
HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW! OR I SWEAR TO
GOD, I WILL FUCK AS MANY OF BLACK
GUYS I POSSIBLY CAN, TO MAKE YOU
SUFFER!
BECCA GROANS. Contracting again.
JAMIE
Mommy, what's a hitch? What's a
fuck?
BECCA
OH, SHUT UP, JAMIE!
JAMIE shocked. Silenced.
TYLER
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
BITCH. BITCH. BITCH. BITCH. BITCH.
BITCH.
BECCA
HITCH, TYLER! I SAID HITCH!
TYLER
HITCH. HITCH. HITCH. HITCH. HITCH.
BECCA continues to groan. SCREAMS. JIM couldn’t take BECCA’S
scream anymore.
82.

JIM
All right, that's it! I'm taking my
wife to the hospital!
SLATER
Wait, what? No!
BECCA SCREAMS wildly.
BECCA
IT'S TOO LATE! THE BABY'S COMING!
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
MICHAELS regains consciousness. Hands and feet tied up. Sees
MASKED MAN #2 squatting in front of him with the door opened.
MICHAELS kicks MASKED MAN #2 out of BLACK VAN. MASKED MAN #3
and MASKED MAN #4 quickly grab MICHAELS.
MASKED MAN #2 flies out of BLACK VAN. Drops to the asphalt.
Gets hit by a truck.
JIM freaks out. BECCA is fully faced.
JIM
Oh God. Oh God. What do we do!?
What do we do?!
SLATER
Calm down. I'm gonna help, okay.
Here.
SLATER moves to the backseat. BECCA GROANS. SCREAMS.
BECCA
WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?
SLATER
It’s okay. It’s okay. I have EMT
training.
SLATER glances at BECCA’S ripening vagina.
83.

CLOSE UP ON BECCA’S VAGINA.
SLATER (CONT’D)
Oh, God. That's disgusting!
BECCA SCREAMS so loud.
BECCA
IT'S COMING! THIS ONE HAS A BIG
FUCKING HEAD!
CLOSE UP ON THE BABY’S HEAD CROWNING.
SLATER, TYLER and JAMIE look to the bloody baby's head.
SLATER
Motherfudger! Oh my fudgin' God!
It's like a scene from “Alien”!
JAMIE
Daddy, look. I see the baby's head.
Look, daddy.
JIM turns to the backseat. Glances to the baby’s head. JIM
faints. TYLER vomits on BECCA’S thigh.
MINIVAN goes uncontrollable. No one is manning the steering
wheel.
BECCA SHOUTS to JIM. Tries to wake him up.
BECCA
JIM, YOU CHICKEN SHIT! WAKE UP!
SLATER
Jesus, woman. You are cursing in
front of your children.
BECCA
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! WAKE HIM UP!
SLATER slaps JIM’S face with his bloody hand. JIM wakes up.
Blood handprint on his cheek. JIM grabs the wheel,
immediately.
JIM
Did I faint?
84.

JIM quietly steers the wheel.
JIM (CONT’D)
(whispers)
I will never look at a vagina the
same ever again.
JIM’S eyes draw blank.
JIM (CONT’D)
I don’t wanna be here.
JIM loses his mind. Rams BLACK VAN, over and over again.
SLATER
What are you doing?! Your wife is
in labor!
BECCA
NO! NO! IT’S HELPING! THE BABY'S
COMING OUT! KEEP RAMMING THAT SON
OF A BITCH! AAAAAHHHHHH! BANG IT!
BANG IT HARD! FROM THE BACKDOOR!
SLATER
You heard the woman! Pound the
bitch, hard!
JIM continues ramming.
MASKED MAN #1 retaliates. Turns to MASKED MAN #3 and MASKED
MAN #4 who are wrestling with MICHAELS.
MASKED MAN #1
Need some help here, morons!
MASKED MAN #4
We can't! He really is a bear!
MASKED MAN #3 grunts.
MASKED MAN #3
HE REALLY IS!
MINIVAN and BLACK VAN ram each other.
85.

With each ram, the baby slides away from the vagina. The baby
emerges. BECCA PANTS. EXCLAIMS.
BECCA
THE BABY’S HERE!
JAMIE
Yeah!
SLATER
Mazel Tov. It's a boy!
SLATER holds the baby up over his head. Umbilical cord still
intact.
SLATER (CONT’D)
LION KING!
TYLER immediately vomits again.
BECCA
Oh, C'mon Tyler!
SLATER wraps the baby with a blanket. Gives the baby to
BECCA. SLATER jumps back to the passenger seat.
SLATER
That’s it. I’m ending this!
SLATER sticks his head and arms out. Points his gun to BLACK
VAN.
SLATER (CONT’D)
Jim, slow down.
MINIVAN slows down. Goes behind BLACK VAN.
SLATER carefully aims for the back tire. Shoots it. Twice.
The tire EXPLODES. BLACK VAN flips, repeatedly. FLIPS. FLIPS.
FLIPS. Crashes into an upside down position.
MINIVAN brakes, hard.
86.

SLATER sits silently. Fearing the worst for MICHAELS.
SLATER
(softly)
Oh, shit, I just killed my friend.
SLATER comes out. Holds his gun. As soon as SLATER out,
MINIVAN drives away, fast. SLATER turns to MINIVAN, in
disbelief.
SLATER
Oh, great! I helped you deliver
your baby! I hope he gets
testicular cancer!
SLATER moves close to BLACK VAN. Sees gasoline trickling
down. Opens the door.
MICHAELS is still alive. Trapped between the bodies of MASKED
MAN #3 and MASKED MAN #4.
SLATER (CONT’D)
Michaels, you're still alive!
SLATER pulls MICHAELS out. Cuts him loose.
MICHAELS
I thought you were gone.
SLATER
Me too, buddy.
MICHAELS
It was Ambrose. One of them was
Ambrose.
SLATER
Yeah, I know. Cap is behind all of
this. Maybe the whole precinct.
I'll tell you later. Can you walk?
MICHAELS
Yeah. Yeah.
SLATER helps MICHAELS up. Walks away from BLACK VAN.
SLOW MOTION BEGINS
87.

WIDE SHOT ON SLATER AND MICHAELS WALKING, IN THE B.G., BLACK
VAN FLAMING UP.
BOOM. BLACK VAN EXPLODES.
From action hero walking, SLATER and MICHAELS drop down on
their stomach. Holding their ears. SHRIEK.
SLOW MOTION ENDS.
Sirens come out from the distant. SLATER and MICHAELS quickly
get up. Run away from the scene.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. ABANDON HOUSE - DUSK
SLATER and MICHAELS are hiding. SLATER sits on a ragged down
couch. MICHAELS pacing back and forth.
MICHAELS
I mean, what the fuck?! All this
mess we're in. It's because your
beloved Captain? You're mentor?!
SLATER
Hey! He's not my mentor! He just
gets me. And don't you think this
isn't come to a shock to me? The
guy killed our friends.
MICHAELS
Not Brody. He got hit by a truck.
SLATER
Yeah, while being chased.
MICHAELS sighs.
MICHAELS
I mean, should we just jump city?
SLATER
And live as fugitives? Now way. Did
you see “Prison Break”? Those guys
ran the entire four seasons. If I
have to run the entire summer,
winter, fall and spring, I'll kill
myself.
SLATER pulls out his new cell phone. Stares at it. MICHAELS
confused.
88.

MICHAELS
What are you doing?
SLATER
Jeff.
SLATER looks to MICHAELS.
SLATER (CONT’D)
Do you trust me?
MICHAELS
Yeah, man. Why do you think I keep
hanging out with you? And Katie? Or
that couple we had group sex with?
SLATER’S face turns cheerful.
SLATER
Oh, yeah. That was a fun night, but
I kept getting fingered by that
dude.
MICHAELS
That was me, dude. I thought you
were the other girl. There were so
many limbs and your asses felt the
same.
SLATER makes grossed out face.
SLATER
Okay, brain-stabbing imagery aside.
I have a plan, but it's totally
crazy that it might not work.
MICHAELS
I got no plans in mind. So, a bad
plan is a fucking good plan for me.
SLATER
Great. I have to make a few calls
first.
SLATER stands up. Dials the phone. Presses the phone against
his ear.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. CAPT. SMITH’S OFFICE - DUSK
CAPT. SMITH and CANTOR wait for an update on SLATER and
MICHAELS. NEVILLE and LEROY come in the office.
89.

CAPT. SMITH
Hey, Leroy. Close the door. Make
sure of it.
LEROY closes the door. Locks it.
NEVILLE
Ambrose and Wilkinson are gone. And
those two assholes we hired, them
too.
CAPT. SMITH
Slater and Michaels?
NEVILLE shakes his head.
NEVILLE
They got away.
CANTOR
Are you kidding me?! Are they're
ancestors fucking cats?
CAPT. SMITH scoffs.
CAPT. SMITH
This shit keeps getting deeper and
deeper. All I want is this, this
thing to end and just crap it out.
LEROY
You could try Ex-Lax.
CAPT. SMITH glares at LEROY.
CAPT. SMITH
(low intense voice)
You know what, Leroy? You are too
fucking fucked in the head to
respond to. I mean, how can you be
a fucking cop when you have an IQ
lower then my semen and my shit
mixed together, creating this white
brownish paste for you to brush
your teeth with.
(beat)
And I know you have feelings.
Dammit, I'm gonna break every last
one of them. I will make you cry,
shit, vomit and wet your pants, all
at the same time. You hear me?
LEROY starts to cry. Whimpers.
90.

LEROY
You're a monster!
NEVILLE
There's one out of four.
CANTOR
How do you come up with this stuff?
You're like the guru in nasty shit
talking. You should be a demoralize
speaker. Instead of a motivational
CAPT. SMITH’S phone rings. CAPT. SMITH picks up the phone.
Looks to the screen.
CLOSE UP ON CAPT. SMITH PHONE DISPLAYING AN UNKNOWN NUMBER
CAPT. SMITH answers.
CAPT. SMITH
(to the phone)
Alex Smith.
SLATER (O.S.)
(over the phone)
Cap.
CAPT. SMITH
(to the phone)
Chris, is that you?
CANTOR turns his attention to CAPT. SMITH. In the b.g., LEROY
is still crying.
CANTOR
Neville, shut him up.
NEVILLE puts his hand against LEROY’S mouth.
SLATER (O.S.)
(over the phone)
Yeah, it' me.
CAPT. SMITH
(to the phone)
Are you all right, son? Is Jeff
with you?
SLATER (O.S.)
(over the phone)
Michaels's fine. His with me.
Look, Capt, we're innocent.
Someone's setting us up.
91.

CAPT. SMITH
(to the phone)
Chris, you ran away. Back at the
cemetery. Everyone think you two
did it.
SLATER (O.S.)
(over the phone)
We panicked. We thought our car
gonna explode too. You've gotta
believe me, Capt. You're the only
one I trust right now, please.
CAPT. SMITH
(to the phone)
All right, calm down. I believe
you, you know I always do. But,
Chris, you and Jeff need to come
in.
SLATER (O.S.)
(over the phone)
No, no. We give ourselves up, we're
dead. Some masked men tried to kill
us earlier. We're gonna stay low
for awhile. Besides, we got a
videotape that will clear our
names.
CAPT. SMITH quietly shouts to CANTOR.
CAPT. SMITH
(whisper shouting)
They have the fucking tape!
NEVILLE
(softly)
Oh, fuck.
CAPT. SMITH holds the phone back against his ear.
CAPT. SMITH
(to the phone)
You seen it?
SLATER (O.S.)
(over the phone)
No. Not yet. It's on a flash drive
and we can't open it. It's en--
Hey, Michaels, it's enciphered?
MICHAELS (O.S.)
(over the phone)
Encrypted. It's encrypted.
92.

SLATER (O.S.)
(over the phone)
Yeah, it's encrypted. We're going
to a hacker and crack this thing
and then we need you to get us to
safe place.
CAPT. SMITH
(to the phone)
You know what? My son is a computer
nerd. He's a total geek, he gets a
boner every time he sees Jabba The
Hut. I bet he could get that thing
open. Where are you? I'll come get
you right now.
SLATER (O.S.)
(over the phone)
Your house? You sure that's a good
idea?
CAPT. SMITH
(to the phone)
Don't worry, I got a bunker.
SLATER (O.S.)
(over the phone)
Oh, cool. We're at 16 Reseda Road.
CAPT. SMITH
(to the phone)
Good, I'm going right now.
SLATER (O.S.)
(over the phone)
See you soon. Oh, can you get us
some McRibs?
CAPT. SMITH closes the phone. Throws it to a wall.
CAPT. SMITH
Goddamn it! This is all youse guys
fault! You guys had to outsourced
it, didn't you?! Now look where it
got us?! Another fucking tape!
(beat)
This time, you guys go kill them.
They're at 16 Reseda Road.
CANTOR, NEVILLE and LEROY head for the door. CAPT. SMITH
stops them.
93.

Listen, I don't care if you have to
massacre every person in that area.
I want them annihilated. I want you
guys to get explosives and strap it
inside their mouths and their
asses, covering their two largest
holes.
(beat)
I want to wake up with their heads
under my sheet, just like “The
Godfather.” You got it?
CANTOR, NEVILLE and LEROY leave the office.
EXT. ACROSS ABANDON HOUSE - NIGHT
SLATER hides behind some bushes. With binoculars, SLATER
looks to the abandon house. MICHAELS comes up from behind.
Carrying a big black bag. SLATER gazes on MICHAELS shaved
face.
SLATER
Wow! What is wrong with your face?
MICHAELS
I shaved it, man. I had enough with
the gay jokes.
SLATER
To be honest, with no mustache, you
still look like a gay dude. Now,
you look like a metro-homo-sexual,
wearing Liberace’s garage sale
suit.
MICHAELS
Are you kidding me?
SLATER
Don't sweat it. You were born with
a gorgeous gay face, you should be
proud.
MICHAELS
Thanks. How do we know Cap’s gonna
come?
SLATER
We don't. I guess if he ain't
coming, we follow whoever comes to
that house. How 'bout that?
94.

MICHAELS
To the entire precinct? With all
our crooked cop friends?
SLATER
You wanna just run for the rest of
your life?
MICHAELS
Fine, but if I die, I'm gonna haunt
you while you have sex with Katie.
And then I'm gonna ghost-fuck your
wife.
SLATER
Hey, take it easy. That's my future
baby mama you're talking about. You
got the stuffs?
MICHAELS
Yeah, I got them. These are some
heavy shit. Where did you get all
this stuff?
SLATER
Some from e-Bay, Amazon, and other
sites. If I bought them from one
site, they might think I'm a uni-
bomber or a terrorist or something.
I bought a couple of fleshlights,
anal beads to throw them off.
MICHAELS
Anal beads?
SLATER
(nervously)
Ye-Yeah. For Katie, she loves the
beads.
SLATER sees another black van closing in.
SLATER (CONT’D)
Shush, they’re coming.
(beat)
Do they have anything besides black
vans?
EXT. ABANDON HOUSE - NIGHT
The black van stops. Three masked men come out of it.
Carrying machine guns. Run inside the house.
95.

INT. ABANDON HOUSE - NIGHT
The three men search the house. One masked man goes to the
backyard. The two masked men open their mask. It’s CANTOR and
NEVILLE.
NEVILLE
They probably see us coming.
CANTOR
Probably.
LEROY comes back in without his mask. CANTOR angrily shouts
at LEROY.
CANTOR (CONT’D)
Hey, dumbass, why'd you took off
your mask outside?!
LEROY
It itches, man.
CANTOR
I DON’T GIVE A SHIT! YOU DON'T TAKE
OFF THE MASK OUTSIDE!
NEVILLE
Indoor voice.
CANTOR
Whatever, motherfucker!
(beat)
Let's just go to the safe house.
LEROY
The office? I thought we changed
that.
NEVILLE
The Depository.
CANTOR
Asshole! Don't say that.
NEVILLE
What? There's no one here.
CANTOR
Let’s just go.
CANTOR, NEVILLE and LEROY put on their masks. Leave the
house.
96.

CAMERA PAN TO THE COUCH. TIGHT ON A BUG STICKING OUT OF THE
COUCH.
EXT. ACROSS ABANDON HOUSE - NIGHT
SLATER and MICHAELS see the black van speeds away.
SLATER
See, I told you it'd work.
SLATER and MICHAELS look to each other.
MICHAELS
Depository?
SLATER
Depository.
SLATER and MICHAELS run to their car.
CUT TO:
EXT. CCPD DEPOSITORY - NIGHT
The black van enters the depository. SLATER parks the car in
a dark alley behind the depository.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
SLATER and MICHAELS prep for their attack.
MICHAELS
Hey, why they called it depository?
Isn't that a pill you stick in your
ass when you have a nausea?
SLATER
Jesus, Michaels. That's a
Suppository. I mean, technically
it's the same. They put evidence
behind. Just like the pill.
SLATER and MICHAELS pull out guns out of the bag.
SLATER (CONT’D)
All right. You ready?
MICHAELS
I'm gonna say no, but fuck it, I
have to.
97.

SLATER and MICHAELS open the doors.
MICHAELS (CONT’D)
Hey, Slate. Break?
SLATER smiles.
SLATER
Break.
EXT. CCPD DEPOSITORY - NIGHT
SLATER and MICHAELS run to the back of the depository.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. CCPD DEPOSITORY - FIRST FLOOR - CONTINUOUS
CANTOR, NEVILLE and LEROY exit the van. CAPT. SMITH have been
waiting for them. Stands behind the 100 kilos cocaine.
CAPT. SMITH
Hey, assholes! Take your time, why
don't you?! It's not like I don’t
have a business to run to! Did you
kill them yet?
NEVILLE
It was a total bust. They're not
even there.
LEROY
Yeah, you got punk’d, son.
CAPT. SMITH glares at the three of them.
CAPT. SMITH
Are you fucking kidding me? And you
went here?! Straight to HERE?!
CANTOR
Captain, relax. We checked.
CAPT.SMITH
If they're not there, why would
they call?!
BAM. The lights go off. DEPOSITORY goes to a complete dark.
LEROY (O.S.)
Hey, who forgot to pay them bills?
98.

CAPT. SMITH (O.S.)
You idiot! They’re here.
IN GREEN POV ON MICHAELS GRABBING LEROY FROM BEHIND.
IN GREEN POV ON SLATER WATCHING NEVILLE RUNS AWAY.
LEROY screams.
LEROY (O.S.)
THEY’RE BEHIND ME!
IN GREEN POV ON MICHAELS KNOCKING OFF LEROY WITH A
TRANQUILIZER.
LEROY drops to the ground.
CANTOR (O.S.)
Fuck it! Just start shooting!
NEVILLE turns on the backup generator. The lights turn on.
CANTOR shoots erratically. SLATER shrieks.
SLATER
MY EYES!
CANTOR shoots. The bullets hit one of the cocaine bag. A big
cloud of cocaine covers MICHAELS up.
CAPT. SMITH
SHOOT THEM! SHOOT THEM! SHOOT THEM!
SLATER throws the night vision goggles. CANTOR, NEVILLE and
CAPT. SMITH start firing. BLAM, BLAM, BLAM. SLATER drags
MICHAELS away.
SLATER and MICHAELS run away from the flying bullets. Go
behind shelves of evidence. Start shooting back. SLATER
glances at MICHAELS, covered in cocaine.
SLATER
(shooting)
Michaels, what the fuck is that?
MICHAELS
(shooting)
It's the coke. And it's--
MICHAELS moans. Stops shooting. Shakes his head. Starts to
feel the effect. Browses the evidence shelf.
99.

SLATER
(shooting)
What are you doing?!
MICHAELS opens a box with a blood stained machete.
MICHAELS
Buying kitchen knife. What are you
doing?
SLATER
(shooting)
We're in a middle of a shoot out!
MICHAELS
Huh?
MICHAELS licks his teeth. Grinds them. SLATER throws smoke
grenades. The smoke covers SLATER and MICHAELS.
CANTOR, NEVILLE and CAPT. SMITH stop shooting. They can’t see
SLATER and MICHAELS.
CAPT. SMITH
Do you see them?
MICHAELS tries to lick the blood out of the machete.
MICHAELS
Maple Syrup.
SLATER stops MICHAELS. Throws the machete away.
SLATER
That's not syrup. It's dried up
blood. C’mon. C’mon.
SLATER drags MICHAELS to another shelf. Mid-run, MICHAELS
stops. SLATER turns to him.
SLATER (CONT’D)
(softly)
What are you doing?
MICHAELS inhales deeply. Quietly sneezes. MICHAELS quickly
looks to SLATER. Eyes opened.
SLATER (CONT’D)
(softly)
What?
MICHAELS
(softly)
I crapped in my pants.
100.

SLATER
(softly)
Oh, Michaels.
MICHAELS
(softly)
It’s not solid.
SLATER makes disgusted face. MICHAELS sees CANTOR, NEVILLE
and CAPT. SMITH looking for them from the distant. Charges
toward them.
SLATER
Michaels, COME BACK!
SLATER follows MICHAELS. Avoiding MICHAELS’S watery shit
trails.
MICHAELS comes flying out from CANTOR, NEVILLE and CAPT.
SMITH’S side. Manages to tackle CANTOR and NEVILLE.
Panic, CAPT. SMITH flees to the second floor. SLATER tries to
shoot him, but CAPT. SMITH is too fast. SLATER kicks CANTOR
and NEVILLE’S guns.
SLATER (CONT’D)
All right! Stick 'Em up!
MICHAELS stands up. CANTOR and NEVILLE hold their hands up.
MICHAELS
Stand up you cowards. Fight me like
men or I'll fuck you up. C'mon.
MICHAELS does a crane fighting stand. Kicks the air in front
of CANTOR and NEVILLE. The shit flies out of MICHAELS’S
pants. Hits CANTOR and NEVILLE right in the face.
NEVILLE
IT'S IN MY MOUTH!
NEVILLE retches.
CANTOR
MY EYES WENT BROWN! MY EYES WENT
BROWN!
CANTOR wipes his face, over and over again.
SLATER
Ew!
BEAT.
101.

CANTOR
You little fuck! Don't you ever
heard of baby wipes?
NEVILLE
Did you have peanuts? Today?
MICHAELS
Yeah. Taste good, don't it?
Suddenly, LEROY comes out behind SLATER. NEVILLE kicks the
gun away. MICHAELS runs away to the shelves. CANTOR runs
after MICHAELS.
ANGLE ON: MICHAELS AND CANTOR
MICHAELS searches evidence boxes for weapons. CANTOR walks
toward MICHAELS with a crowbar. Cleans his face with a rag.
CANTOR swings the crowbar. MICHAELS ducks.
CANTOR
If only you hadn't stop that truck.
Your stupid friends might still be
alive. It's you own damn fault.
MICHAELS
It's your fault! You killed them,
Cuntor!
MICHAELS still searches for a weapon.
CANTOR
Cuntor. Real nice. You know, even
without the mustache you always
gonna be gay in my eyes.
MICHAELS
In your shit-covered eyes!
CANTOR smiles.
CANTOR
You motherfucker! You know, when I
killed your friends, I actually
feel guilty, but I am really gonna
enjoy killing the shit out of you.
MICHAELLS
Well, too bad for you. My shit's
already out. And it's on your
fucking face.
102.

CANTOR swings the crowbar again. MICHAELS ducks, yet again.
Tackles CANTOR to the ground. Pounds his head to the floor,
again and again.
MICHAELS
(pounding)
THIS IS FOR BRODY!
(beat)
THIS IS FOR COOPER!
(beat)
THIS IS FOR JENNINGS!
(beat)
THIS IS FOR THOMAS!
(beat)
THIS IS FO--
(beat)
I don't know what this is for, but
I'm liking it!
CANTOR musters up his strength. Grabs the crowbar. Swings it
across MICHAELS’S face. MICHAELS goes down to the ground.
Covers his face.
CANTOR grabs the shelf to help him stand. Pints of blood drop
from his head. Stands up. Turns to the helpless MICHAELS.
CANTOR
So long, Michaels.
CANTOR holds the crowbar over his head. Ready to bash
MICHAELS’S head. MICHAELS quickly pulls out a swordfish out
of a box. Plunges it into CANTOR’S heart. CANTOR gasps.
MICHAELS
How does that fish taste, Cuntor?!
CANTOR falls with the swordfish stuck in his chest. MICHAELS
chuckles. Runs to help SLATER.
ANGLE ON: MICHAELS, NEVILLE AND LEROY
LEROY holds SLATER from behind. NEVILLE hits SLATER with a
golf club in the stomach.
NEVILLE
Yeah! Like that?! Here's some more!
NEVILLE hits SLATER, again and again. SLATER GROANS. COUGHS.
LEROY
My turn. Don't hog him.
103.

SLATER
Do you think we're in high school?!
Get your hands off of me!
NEVILLE
You're not gonna go anywhere. I'm
gonna hit you 'til you drop dead.
You hear m--
MICHAELS uses a forklift to tip the shelves. BOOM. The
shelves plummets on top of NEVILLE.
SLATER elbows LEROY in the face. Runs for a bowling ball on
the floor. LEROY chases SLATER. SLATER plugs his three
fingers into the ball. Turns around. Hits LEROY in the
crotch.
SLATER
Here's another ball for your dick!
LEROY GROANS. Passes out.
SLATER (CONT’D)
That's a strike, motherfucker!
MICHAELS comes close. SLATER holds his arm.
MICHAELS
Slate, you okay?
SLATER
Yeah, yeah, but I think my arm is
broken.
SLATER flails his broken arm.
MICHAELS
It's like a noodle. It's like you
don't have bones.
SLATER
I can do the wave break dancing
thing now.
MICHAELS
Lets go. Stop doing that.
SLATER keeps flailing his arm as they run to the stairs.
INT. CCPD DEPOSITORY - SECOND FLOOR - CONTINUOUS
SLATER walks quietly, holding his gun. Broken arm splinted.
Searches for CAPT. SMITH.
104.

CAPT. SMITH (O.C.)
(whispers)
Adam, is that you?
SLATER
(searching)
No. Cantor's dead, Cap. Neville and
Leroy too.
SLATER walks toward the voice, carefully.
CAPT. SMITH (O.C.)
Another good group of men dead
‘cause of you, huh, Chris?
SLATER
Their good?
CAPT. SMITH (O.C.)
Don’t be naive, Chris.
A shot fired. Misses SLATER. Hits a shelf. SLATER turns to
the source of the fire. No one’s there.
SLATER
Cap, just give up. Aren't you
tired? I'm tired.
ANGLE ON: CAPT. SMITH
CAPT. SMITH crouches down behind some shelves. Holds up his
gun.
CAPT. SMITH
Are you alone, Chris? Where's Jeff?
(beat)
Oh, did he die too? Looks like all
the people around you just fade
away one by one.
A tip of a gun comes from behind CAPT. SMITH. Presses against
the back of the head.
CAMERA PAN TO MICHAELS STANDING BEHIND CAPT. SMITH.
MICHAELS
I am very much alive, Cap. Drop it
CAPT. SMITH drops his gun. MICHAELS picks up the gun.
MICHAELS (CONT’D)
Slater, right here!
105.

SLATER walks toward CAPT. SMITH and MICHAELS. CAPT. SMITH
sits.
CAPT. SMITH
Now what? You two gonna kill me?
MICHAELS
Fuck yeah, we're going to kill you.
Siren sounds come from a distant. CAPT. SMITH smiles.
CAPT. SMITH
You hear that? The boys are coming.
And they're coming to get me.
SLATER
All they're gonna get is your dead
body.
CAPT. SMITH
You're going to kill a police
captain? Is that what you gonna do?
You'll be hunted for the rest of
your life!
SLATER slams the metal shelf as he shouts.
SLATER
You set us up! You killed Jennings,
Thomas, Brody and Cooper!
(beat)
And when you failed to kill us, you
pinned those murders on us! Why
wouldn't we kill you?!
MICHAELS
You ruined our lives!
SLATER
Yeah and all that is for some
druglord who doesn't give a crap
about you.
CAPT. SMITH
Druglord? What druglord?
MICHAELS
C'mon, Cap. We know you're not
working alone. There's no way you
can do this all alone. Someone
must’ve been backing you up.
106.

SLATER
Cap, listen, I like you, I always
do. You’re like a mentor to me. I
know deep down there's a stand up
guy.
CAPT. SMITH
You guys are a bunch of retards.
SLATER flinches.
SLATER
You really wanna do this, Cap? You
think they care about you?! If
you're dead they'll find another
fuckhole and another and another to
replace you! You're nothing to
them. Nothing!
MICHAELS
You're just shit. They'll flush you
with the other shits.
SLATER
Just give us a name. So we can kill
the fuck out of them for making our
lives a living hell!
MICHAELS
COMO SE LLAMA?!
CAPT. SMITH bursts out laughing. SLATER and MICHAELS
surprised.
MICHAELS (CONT’D)
What? What's so funny?
CAPT. SMITH
You dumbfucks! It's no wonder why
you didn't pass the detective
exams. It's me! It was all me! I
killed Jennings, I killed Cooper, I
killed Thomas and I killed Brody! I
am the new druglord! Ever since Ted
Jones died, I've been building a
new empire! A coke empire! I AM THE
MAN!
MICHAELS
Where do you get the money to fund
all of that?
107.

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