Sam's Journal Graphic Novel Excerpt

— 2 —
— DEDICAT ION —
To my wife Christine and my two children
Taio and Matea.Without you this book
would have been finished five years earlier.
Sam's Journal 18 overhaul.indd 2 2019-09-17 4:34 PM

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— DEDICAT ION —
Can’t wait to share this with you.
See you on the other side.
Sheldon Bluecloud
Roy Tai Fiddy Mac
Pee Wee Nguyen
Arfan Haq

— 4 —
Sam’s Journal
Copyright © 2019 by Jeffrey Cheng. All rights reserved. No
part of this publication may be used or reproduced, stored
in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any
means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or
otherwise, without the prior written permission of both the
copyright owner and the publisher of this book.
Printed in Canada.
Written by: Jeffrey Cheng
Editor: Andrew Wilmont
Book design by: Dean Pickup & Jeffrey Cheng
ISBN: 978-0-9938289-1-1
This book is a project by Seed Up (https://www.seedup.education)

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— CO NT ENTS —
PART ONE
Living On the Outsð....................................6
PART TWO
Falling Downð..........................................160
PART THREE
Certifiedð..................................................262
PART FOUR
Recoveryð.................................................372
PART FIVE
Back One the Outsð.................................432

— 6 —
PA R T O N E

— 7 —
Living On the Outs

ripped through the blue sky. They chased me while
I was on the bus. They came through the walls and
threatened me with bad teeth and vacant stares.
We’re gonna rip your dick off!
You will be raped!
You are a bitch!
Passengers molested my brain with their eyes,
probing every embarrassing thought and memory as
if my mind were an open journal. Outside, I heard
passing cars howling loudly, daring me to jump in
front of them.
I couldn’t take it! I left the bus and ran into the
public library for some peace and relaxation. In the
music section, I found the Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ Fever to
Tell. I listened to it and daydreamed happy thoughts
to slay the ugly faces.
PS: Karen O is beautiful. YES!

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Red is
your colour

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Loner. Introvert. Frequent masturbator.
Earth to Sam. Lost in space. Day dreamer.
Writer. Artist. Painter.
Creatively expressing my vibe with ink, paint, and watercolours.
Rocking Joe Fresh black skinnies, music tees, and Chucks.
Blonde Redhead. Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Belle and Sebastian.
Bicycle. Skateboard. Public transit.
Living on AISH for rent, food, and cigarettes.
Piers Anthony. Neil Gaiman. Charles Bukowski.
Lonely. Mama’s Boy. Dependant.
Seeing ugly faces. Hearing voices. Chronic schizophrenic.

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and made me flinch. They bared their sharp teeth and
I was afraid. The ugly faces told me to cut myself and
I wanted to listen. I tried to ignore them, but it made
work so hard, especially as dishes continued to pile
up. And the faces were so aggressive. They invaded my
space with their taunts, tongues, and eyes. I worried
that other people might SEE and HEAR what I was
experiencing.

Then SHE came along. Ebony girl—HOT, waiting tables
in a plunging American Apparel V neck, grey tights,
and TOMS flats. Ethiopian queen, charming all the
customers with her brown, soft nappy curls, pearly-
white smile, and apple-bottom ass. I couldn’t help
but notice that she had a set of incredibly beautiful
breasts. All I wanted was to dive in between them and
hide from the world.
Her name was Eve. She was kind and helped me through
my first and last day as a dishwasher at Café Bruit.

— 36 —
I hate it when I fight with my brother. I don’t like that
he acts like my father, telling me what I should or
shouldn’t be doing. Get off me, man!
When I got home, I wanted to break something. The
voices kept telling me to smash, kick, and break shit.
So I listened to them and punched a hole in the wall.

my brother later and say I’m sorry. It was over
something so stupid and our fights always get me so
stressed. Anyways, he is right. I should be sticking to
my medications. It’s just that I don’t think I really need
them. So what if I miss a few doses here and there. It
doesn’t really make a difference as far as I can tell.
When I feel like this, it helps if I take extra deep
drags off my cigarettes, to savour the taste. I’ve been
smoking for seven years. My favourite cigarettes
are Marley Lights and Belmonts, because they
taste hella good. I don’t care what anyone says—I
love smoking! I love the taste! I love how it makes
me feel! Lighting up, taking a drag, and exhaling is
part of who I am.
In fact, when I am seeing ugly faces, smoking is my
stress reliever. It makes me feel grounded when my
reality isn’t.
I don’t ever want to quit!

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The concert was amazing. I was having so much fun
when suddenly, amongst all the pretentious hipster
kids, she came: a gorgeous punk named Chloe.
I’ve seen her at different shows standing out from
the crowd with her army boots, devilock haircut,
tattoos, and leopard print skirt. She always gets in
my mind and leaves me messages.

I met an artist girl named Samantha who gave
me her card so I could go online and check out
the illustration work she’d done for VUE Weekly.
But Chloe sent me silent voice mails telling me
to throw it away.
So I did, because in her messages, Chloe
promised to be my future wife in five years.

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my home and native land!
I am so grateful to be part of you.
Through you, I learned to read and write.
My family loves you.
You are a safe place
where I get help
paying for food
and rent
and have enough money
to live in my own place.
I love you like you were my own country.

— 79 —
twenty-three years old, extremely available,
and of high demand.
Will I find a soul mate that will read Piers
Anthony to me before bed?
And she will be able to talk to me about
Ham on Rye by Charles Bukowski,
only my most favourite book ever!

— 81 —

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— 91 —
with Rollie, hittin’ the streets, picking up the work, and
re-upping his guys. Around dinner we went to one of
his trap houses, a large apartment complex just off
Jasper Avenue and 111 Street. When we walked into
the suite, I noticed the familiar smell of gasoline from
Ricco chef-ing up a storm of hard white in the kitchen.
Digital scales,
boxes of baking soda,
heat lamps,
trays of drying crack,
empty Palmolive bottles,
spatulas,
bowls, and about seven birds of raw were littered about
the granite kitchen counter.
Rollie opened his duffel bag and dumped out another
six bricks.
While Rollie went to help Ricco work that dope-boy
magic, I sat and watched the crew as they counted
money, talked shit, and got high.

— 92 —
I heard the pianos with the
Batman logo are repressed
and spanked to shit. Stay
the fuck away bruv.

— 93 —
My guys are stretching that comeback to
’bout thirty-one to thirty-two grams off
every ounce of raw.

— 94 —

— 95 —
Ay yo, we outta baking soda and
Palmolive. Someone go get some more!

— 96 —
I never pull out my strap
unless I’m gonna squeeze.

— 97 —
having a smoke today, a butterfly, soft yellow
with green and purple spots, perched itself
on my left arm. It fluttered its pretty wings in
a seductive and flirty manner.

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High Level
Street Car
Tunnel Graffiti

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Set your ears on fire!

— 110 —

— 111 —
that is going on.
Three deep breaths.
The sun kissing my face.
This very moment makes me feel
as if there is still hope to being and feeling happier.
If I can just find a balance, the outcome will be for
the good of all mankind!

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Passing me by
Homecoming queen, hipster chick hot
Rocking skinny stretch denim tight
My head twists backwards
Like Kriss Kross
Take a second look
Damn son!

— 123 —
Let’s bounce!
G-unit’s up in there.

— 124 —
Schizophrenia is a GIFT and a CURSE.
On good days, when I feel safe and in control, it’s
a GIFT to see, hear, feel, and think in special ways
different from normal people.
On bad days, when I feel scared and out of control, it’s
a CURSE to have my brain drowning in a chaotic ocean
of voices, ugly faces, and paranoia.
So what do I do?
Retreat
Into my quiet place. My safe zone.
My apartment or a public library.
Dose
Take one Valium. Pop another two Ativan.
Write
Scratch my thoughts onto paper.
Unfiltered. Uncut. Raw.

— 125 —
Paint
Violently throw down acrylic, ink,
and watercolour on canvas
until I feel better.
Results unpredictable but always feels good.

— 126 —

— 127 —
with their chattering and whispers. When will they
go away? My eyes and ears bleed profusely while
they repeatedly threaten me with harsh looks and
psychologically harming words.
You are nothing!
Die already!
Kill yourself!
No one will ever love you!
Cut yourself.
And the night is so young…

At a DJ Tiesto concert.
Sweating like a black guy out of Do the Right Thing.
Dancing Michael Jackson, “Bad.”
Ecstasy pill stinging as it travelled down my precious
virgin throat.
The high was chemical love flowing through eye, mind,
body, and soul.
Life just became one long-ass mushroom trip.
So awesome, with scary moments, too.

— 129 —

— 130 —
while she lay atop a dirty bed in a downtown
Vietnamese trap house at three in the morning.
Pretty young brunette thang with breasts and
pussy hanging out for all to see. Silver piercings
on her nipples and clit. So high that she was left
oblivious and vulnerable.
Bao took the brick off Rollie and gestured
towards the girl. Guests first, he said.
My stomach twisted as I realized that they were
going to be running trains on her. I was so glad
when Rollie politely declined.

— 131 —
Bao’s crew of slangers were busy chopping up
cookies or shooting each other up on Playstation
while I surveyed the apartment. Cell phones kept
ringing. Drug paraphernalia, handguns, samurai
swords, an Uzi, and push knives were carelessly left
out in the open.
It would have been unwise to make any dramatic
moves. This was a million dollar crew with a lot of
firepower. But in my head, at that moment, I wished
I were Superman so I could save the girl.

— 132 —

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— 134 —
I got a little tipsy with you while we were drinking.
I just had to let you know how much I was
attracted to you. I understand that you weren’t
happy to hear that. I was so embarrassed and tried
to cover myself. I was saying it just to say it!
Too late! I made things awkward and you were so
offended. I wish you hadn’t left. I wish I could have
kissed you.
I am so sorry, Tenneil.

— 135 —
my psychiatrist, Doctor Cruz, and he
bumped up the doses of my antipsychotics
and mood stabilizers.
I know this is all for the good, but why do I
feel that it’s a setback? Shouldn’t the doses
be getting lower?

— 136 —

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— 138 —
Balloons + City &
Colour
+ Gallagher Park

— 139 —
trying to keep up with Peter Pan and his crew
of Lost Boyz. But while they’re flying high in the
sky, blasting rails of pixie dust, I’m stuck on the
ground, jealously witnessing their antics.
Someone wake me up, please.

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Edmonton Public Library
Stanley Milner Wall Graffiti

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I threw out all my meds!
From this day forth,
I would rather suffer the ups and downs
of real life than always being blitzed in la la land,
not knowing my true reality!

— 159 —

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PA R T T W O

— 161 —
Falling Down

— 162 —
so much more! Let it be known that
there is too much to
See
Hear
Taste
Love
Touch
Fuck
in this world.

— 163 —
Throw yourself in front of a bus!

— 164 —

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— 166 —
To dwell within
persistent sad thoughts.
So I released!
And then I found
true happiness.
Listen!

— 167 —
The chaos of daily life will never change.
Fight or surrender?
I choose to surrender.
That makes me a pussy, but at least I am
an enlightened pussy. Real beauty and
sincere feelings spill out from within me!
Life is a precious thing. Don’t get it twisted.

— 168 —

— 169 —
another line of coke. It
expands
m
y m
ind
towards a state free of em
otions
and
terrible worries! Then, paranoid
as fuck, I
fall
back to m
y reality, while still feeling a
sm
all
sense of true
beauty.

— 170 —

— 171 —
Puffing on that la
Filling my lungs
Then suddenly…
Love is all there is
Leading to everlasting life
Infinity in the palm of the hand
Eternity in an hour
It’s all you really need
Now excuse me as I kiss the sky…

— 172 —
She elicits thoughts of me
ravishing her body
like a rabbit fucking another rabbit.
Those mysterious eyes
evoke within me a fiery lust
that I cannot control.
Wondering
what she would be like in bed.
She stands far away,
but casts a tall shadow
that embraces mine.
Our personas mix and I am jolted,
frozen in deep transfiguration.
Shadow melding into another realm.
Worshipping every moment of it.
If her shadow feels this good,
I wonder what SHE would feel like?

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I get anxious to do more.
Illicit drug high gives me temporary
sanctuary from intrusive pain bodies
and difficult emotions!
Feeling nothing anymore,
but I keep on snorting.

— 181 —

— 182 —
I’ve lost track of time.
What day is it?
Suddenly, I realized, I know.
It’s the eighth day of the week.
It’s Octoday.

— 183 —
The feeling I get when I drown in my
own head.
A constant stream of aggressive
melancholy thoughts leading to a steep,
never ending waterfall
down
into
darkness.

— 184 —
all around me. They sleep in Hell with
Lucifer and come to harass me when
he goes to work. Ordering me around,
telling me what to
Do
Think
Act
Feel
False messiahs of the 666 sodomizing
my mind. Leaving sticky trails of their
semen within the crevices of my brain.

— 185 —
In your direction, euphoria when they
touch your cheeks
I send you quiet messages on how to
extract my precious substances without
talking to you
In your intoxicated state, you say yes
Swallowing my nectar like a greedy child
Inflicting such a high that you will never
come down to NORMAL.

— 186 —

— 187 —
everyone I know moves forward
while I stay in the same place. I
went into the nearest Safeway and
doused myself with olive oil because
I felt left out of life. Now that I am
slippery, I can free myself from the
stickiness of my current situation.

— 188 —
What do you want from me? Show yourself!
I know there is someone out there trying to get me. I
can’t stand this cloud of paranoia that strangles my
beautiful mind. These are truly hard times. What is
God trying to teach me?
Of course! Without struggle I will always live a
sheltered life, with eyes wide shut to all the painful
truth, love, and compassion of the universe.
Lift the veil. Open my eyes, heart, and soul.
Look, listen, and feel!

— 189 —

Your skin rots
where I lick it.

— 191 —

— 192 —
that you can only be me that I will
become of you, a true love?
PS: I’ve started talking to myself.
Is there anything wrong with that?

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High Level Train Tunnel Graffiti

— 201 —

— 202 —
Lives in the marijuana I blaze
Smoke, if you can, please me, then I
will please you
Lighters up!
O.G. forever
It’s kush, homie!

— 203 —

Sam's Journal Graphic Novel Excerpt

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